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10 Parenting Principles
Celeste Riches
CHILD 330-2 - Sister Hawkes
Brigham Young University- Idaho
Fall 2015

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1. Avoid Excessive Criticism

One of the emotion coaching strategies talked about in Gottmans program, Emotion
Coaching, is to avoid excessive criticism, humiliating comments, or mocking your child
(Gottman, 1998). This is an important principle in parenting because as a parent, you want to
validate your child and help them feel important. If you humiliate or mock them, this will cut
them down and their self-esteem will lower. We want to raise our children and help them feel
important. In Positive Discipline, it also talks about saying negative things to your children
(Nelsen, 2013). We are to be understanding and listen to what our children have to say. When we
do this we are to avoid saying negative things that would hurt the childs feelings. This principle
is also supported by Marvin J. Ashton. In the 1991 October General Conference he said,
Constant criticism can wear one down and weaken knees. Elder Ashton helps solidify this
point that while we parent, we should avoid excessive criticism and put downs. This tears
children down and we want to build them up and increase their confidence.
2. Messages of Success and Failure
In the parenting program Mindset, it talks about how we can give our children messages
of success or failure depending on how we respond to a situation (Dweck, 2006). It is important
to encourage your child and when they do fail, do not put the blame on others. Help them own up
to the consequences of the actions that were made. Going along with this principle, Gottman
main idea of emotion coaching is sometimes not appropriate, depending on the situation. One of
the times where emotion coaching is not appropriate is when you are pressed for time (Gottman,
1998). If you try to emotion coach your child when you are rushed, they will not be able to
adequately explain their feelings to you. They will feel like a failure. We want to encourage and
support our children so they can feel validated. In The Family: A Proclamation to the World it

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states, Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith,
prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational
activities (1995). If a family does these nine things they will be able to send more messages of
success to their children. This is an important principle because we want our children to feel
success and encourage them to do their best. There will be times when they fail but it is up to us
as parents to encourage them to keep trying and make changes for next time.
3. Set Firm and Loving Limits
In the program Love and Logic, it talks about setting firm and loving limits (Cline and
Fay, 2006). This does not mean that the parent yells or threatens their children to do things. It is
just the opposite. Parents are to lovingly set limits with their children and firmly enforce them.
Whatever consequence you tell your child, you better be prepared to keep it. If you say you are
going to leave them as the restaurant if they do not eat their food, this is lying because you really
would not leave them at the restaurant. In Gottmans 5th step of emotion coaching it talks about
setting limits and solving the problem (1998). As this happens, children are able to follow rules
and learn responsibility. In the Book of Mormon, Alma talks about Moroni and how he was
firm in the faith of Christ (Alma 48:13). Even though Moroni is firm in his faith, he is also
loving. We as parents need to be firm in setting limits and do so with love.
4. Do Not Be a Drill Sergeant Parent
In the program Love and Logic is talks about the downfalls of being a Drill Sergeant
parent (Cline and Fay, 2006). Drill sergeant parents love their children and they want what is
best for them. However, they go about it in a controlling manner and with a lot of put-downs.
Children need to feel uplifted and important. In the program Mindset, it talks about having a
fixed mindset (Dweck, 2006). This means the parent is fixed on a certain idea or way the child

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should behave. Much like drill sergeant parents. In the Doctrine and Covenants it says,
Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God (D&C 18:10). As we remember the
worth of souls is great then we will be able to be positive with our children and help them to
grown, rather than conform to what we want them to do. Remembering this will help them feel
love and validation.
5. Less is More
In the program Positive Discipline, it talks about how we are to stop trying to solve our
childrens problem and stop lecturing them. It says, If we would talk less, we would help our
children so much more because they would feel validated for their thoughts and ideas. Often they
work through problems themselves because they have had a sounding board, other times; they
feel better because they feel supported even when they cant think of a solution (Nelsen, 2013).
In Gottmans emotion coaching his third step is to listen empathetically and validate your childs
emotions (1998). It is so important to help your child know that you care. As Nelsen states in
Positive Discipline, you can has what and how questions and practice reflective and active
listening (2013). Ben B. Banks, a member of the First Quorum of the Seventy said this about
listening to your children. Effective communication. Parents should spend a great deal of time
listening, not just telling. This listening should be done with an open mind and heart (1993). As
we take more time to listen to our children, we will be more capable of helping them know we
love them and help validate them.
6. Set High Standards
It is important to set high standards for your children, but not high enough they cannot
achieve them. In Mindset, it talks about how setting high standards sends a message to your child
that they have potential (Dweck, 2006). Helping to set high, reachable standards will help your

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child reach their full potential. This principle is also found in Love and Logic. It talks about how
we need to set firm limits with our children. These limits are the standards we as parents expect
our children to follow. Very similar to this is how God is with us and keeping the
commandments. In 1 John 5:3 it says, For this is the love of God, that we keep his
commandments: and his commandments are not grievous. The commandments of God are
given to us because He loves us. Just as we give our children high standards to keep because we
love them and know they can achieve a higher potential.
7. Routines
It is important that children and families have set routines. In Positive Discipline, it talks
about two purposes a family should have routines; 1) to give family structure, and 2) children
respond well when they have a routine in place (Dweck, 2006). Just as Positive Discipline talks
about routines, Emotion Coaching has a routine to go through to help your child understand their
emotions. Gottman talks about the 5 steps to emotion coaching (1998). As you do these 5 steps
to emotion coaching your child will recognize the routine and it will become familiar to them.
This routine will teach them how to deal with their emotions in a positive way throughout their
lives. Another routine that will help your children is daily family scripture study and prayer. L.
Tom Perry, a member of the Quorum of the 12 apostles talked about the blessings of daily family
scripture study and prayer. He said, I promise you that daily family prayer and scripture study
will build within the walls of your home a security and bonding that will enrich your lives and
prepare your families to meet the challenges of today and the eternities to come (1993). Your
children will respond positively to routines but remember it may take a while for them to set it,
so be patient.

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8. Positive Time Outs

In Positive Discipline, it talks about the importance of positive time outs rather than
punitive time outs. Positive time outs help children learn and understand why they are in trouble
rather than using punitive where they are sent away without an explanation. This is similar to the
principles in Love and Logic. Love and Logic teaches us that we need to remain patient with our
children and to not show frustration. Brigham Young said, Bring up your children in the love
and fear of the Lord; study their dispositions and their temperaments, and deal with them
accordingly, never allowing yourself to correct them in the heat of passion; teach them to love
you rather than to fear you (Widtsoe, 1941). This can be achieved as we discipline through
positive time out.
9. Give Your Child Choices
In Love and Logic, it talks about how children need to feel empowered by giving them
opportunities to make their own choices (Cline and Fay, 2006). In Gottmans emotion coaching,
one of the emotion coaching strategies is to empower your child by giving them choices and
respecting wishes (1998). Throughout the Book of Mormon it talks about choice and agency. In
2 Nephi 2:27 it states, And [men] are free to choose liberty and eternal life. We have been
given the freedom to choose since before we came to earth, why would that stop once we got
here? Parents need to give their children a chance to make choices that are set in the limits of the
parents. A parent would not offer this or that if they did not want their child to pick that,
they would pick something else in place of that.
10. Right Dose of Control
Another principle taught in Love and Logic is to have the right dose of control. Control is
power and often with children we can have control battles. We need to help our children learn

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and gain independence. Children need to have control in their lives and become more in control
as they grow up (Cline and Fay, 2006). Gottman talks about with emotion coaching. He said
when children reach adolescences, as parents we need to encourage them to be independent with
decision making and respect their choices (1998). It is so important to teach our children these
things to our children in the home so they can be better prepared to enter the real world.
President Harold B. Lee said, The most important of the Lords work you will ever do will be
within the walls of your own homes (Williams, 2000). We need to do all we can in our homes
to help provide our children with the best opportunities we can.

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References

Ashton, M. J. (1991) Strengthen the feeble Knees. Available at: https://www.lds.org/generalconference/1991/10/strengthen-the-feeble-knees?lang=eng (Accessed: 12 December
2015).
Banks, B. B. (1993) Take time for your children - Ben B. Banks. Available at:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1993/10/take-time-for-yourchildren?lang=eng&media=audio (Accessed: 12 December 2015).
Williams, C. J. (2000) The teachings of Harold B. Lee: Eleventh president of the church of Jesus
Christ of latter-day saints. Salt Lake City, UT: .Cline, F. and Fay, J. (2006) Parenting
with love and logic: Teaching children responsibility. Tyndale House Pub.
Dweck, C. S. (2006) Mindset: The new psychology of success. United States: Random House
Publishing Group.
Gottman, J. (1998) Raising an emotionally intelligent child. United Kingdom: Simon & Schuster
Adult Publishing Group.
Nelsen, J. (2013) Positive discipline. New York: Ballantine Books.
Perry, L. T. (1993) Back to gospel basics - L. Tom Perry. Available at:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1993/04/back-to-gospel-basics?lang=eng
(Accessed: 12 December 2015).
The family: A proclamation to the world (1995) Available at: https://www.lds.org/topics/familyproclamation?lang=eng (Accessed: 12 December 2015).
Widtsoe, J. A. (1941) Discourses of Brigham Young. Salt Lake City: Desert Book Company.
Williams, C. J. (2000) The teachings of Harold B. Lee: Eleventh president of the church of Jesus
Christ of latter-day saints. Salt Lake City, UT.