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INTRODUCTION
Assertiveness is not what you do, its who you are
By Shakti Gawain
Assertiveness means standing up for your personal
rights - expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in
direct, honest and appropriate way. Assertiveness is a
skill regularly referred to in social and communication
skills training. Assertiveness is the quality of being selfassured and confident without being aggressive. In the
field of psychology and psychotherapy, it is a learnable
skill and mode of communication. Being assertive
means being able to stand up for your own or other
peoples rights in a calm and positive way, without
being either aggressive, or passively accepting wrong.
Assertive individuals are able to get their point across
without upsetting others, or becoming upset themselves.
Assertiveness is a way of relating that can be helpful in
relationships, dealing with anger management, and boosting self-esteem. Assertiveness can be
taught, though assertiveness is better thought of as a way of being than a technique that one puts
into place when one feels like it. Assertiveness is not about showing people that you can shout
and its not about scaring them but it's something between being aggressive and being passive.
Assertiveness is the act of asking for what you want in a confident way that harms no one but in
the same time preserves your rights. Assertiveness is a skill taught by many personal development
experts and psychotherapists and the subject of many popular self-help books. It is linked to selfesteem and considered an important communication skill.
DEFINATIONS: Asking for what one wants or acting to get what one wants in a way that respects the rights and
feelings of other people.
Assertiveness
QUALITIES OF AN ASSERTIVE PERSON
They have confidence in themselves: In order to be assertive, you need to know what your boundaries are;
what you like and what you dont like. Many people who struggle with
assertiveness will allow others to make decisions for them, so when I
ask Whats your favorite food? they honestly dont know. If this sounds
familiar to you, this is a great opportunity for self-exploration. They
always have confidence what they speak and what they do.
They respect the opinions of others:Assertive people feel confident about their opinions and beliefs, but dont feel its
necessary to insult or degrade another persons opinions. Someone may feel very strongly
about abortion laws; an assertive person can disagree and share their opinions about the
issue without insulting that persons feeling.
Assertiveness
Assertive individuals are good listeners:Often times when I work with couples and families in session, they are so focused on how
they will respond to the other person that they stop listening to what is being said. As a
result, neither party ends up feeling heard. Assertive behavior includes being an active
listener; behavior which includes good eye contact, not interrupting when the other person
is talking, and reflecting back what was just said to confirm the information was heard
correctly.
Problem solving and compromise:Another key trait to assertiveness is the attempt to compromise in a situation. Not
everyone gets everything they want when engaging in a compromise, but some needs are
met for all parties involved. Compromise shows that the other persons needs have been
heard and this is the attempt at providing a solution that all can be content with.
Assertiveness
Take responsibility
Your feelings are a result of how you choose to view a situation. Nobody can make you
feel any particular way. If you feel angry, upset etc., it is important to remember that the
other person did not choose for you to feel that way. They chose their behavior, you chose
your response. If you blame others for your feelings, it comes across as an attack and they
go on the defensive.
ADVANTAGES OF ASSERTIVENESS
Improved self-image
Your self-image refers to the way you view yourself. How you view yourself affects the way you
view the world e.g. with a negative self-image you may adopt a pessimistic view of the world and
fail to see any opportunities for you to succeed. When you choose to be assertive you adopt a
realistic self-image. You do not see yourself as superior to others, but you also do not see others
Assertiveness
as being superior to you. As there is well being said that There is nobody better than you but you
are no better than anyone.
Assertiveness
When you choose to be assertive, you develop a greater respect for your own opinions. You
realize that not only do you have the right to your own opinion; you have the right to express that
opinion. Even when you feel that your opinion will not be accepted, you are comfortable
expressing that opinion. This builds your confidence and saves you from spending time going
over what you wished you had said. The more assertive you become, the clearer you become
about who you really are. You gain a better awareness of your identity, your values, your beliefs,
your likes and your dislikes. You are comfortable expressing your views and where others
disagree, you are happy to agree to disagree. You do not feel any sense of loss when you agree to
disagree, nor do you feel that you have upset anybody.
Assertiveness
DISADVANTAGE OF ASSERTIVENESS
TIPS
FOR
BEING
MORE
ASSERTIVE
Assess your style
Do you voice your opinions or remain silent? Do you say yes to additional work even when your
plate is full? Are you quick to judge or blame? Do people seem to dread or fear talking to you?
Understand your style before you begin making changes. Ask this questions to yourself.
Practice saying no
Assertiveness
If you have a hard time turning down requests, try saying, "No, I can't do that now." Don't
hesitate be direct. If an explanation is appropriate, keep it brief.
Start small
At first, practice your new skills in situations that are low risk. For instance, try out your
assertiveness on a partner or friend before tackling a difficult situation at work. Evaluate
Assertiveness
yourself
afterward
and
tweak
your
approach
as
necessary.
DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN
Assertiveness
it may be very difficult to contain your anger and harshness when dealing with others. You
want your way and may not think it can happen by stepping down a rung or two on the ladder
to assertive behavior. The truth is that there is a line between both aggressive and assertive
behaviors. You may want to second-guess yourself about crossing the line but, if you know
the traits of an assertive personality versus aggressive, you should be able to stand up for
yourself without backing down or becoming angry and frustrated.
Here is a quick guide about using assertive rather than passive or aggressive behavior:
OPINION
Assertive Clearly states an opinion, but is respectful of others beliefs.
Aggressive Becomes angry and attacks the other persons opinions.
NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION
Assertive Makes eye contact with others.
Aggressive Glaring stares at the person.
BODY LANGUAGE
Assertive Body language is relaxed and open.
Aggressive Body language is rigid and may enter anothers space.
VALUE
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Assertiveness
Assertive Considers him or herself as valuable as others.
Aggressive He or she knows it all.
OBJECTIVE
Assertive Sets goals and reaches them.
Aggressive May reach goals no matter what he says or does.
Other peoples feeling and rights are more important than yours
You will offend other people by being assertive
You are not important enough to express your feelings and rights.
Assertiveness is just another kind of aggression.
I will have to change who I am to become assertive.
ASSERTIVE RIGHTS
Assertiveness is the backbone of effective communication and relationship management. When you
are assertive you find it easy to stand up for your own rights without impinging on the rights of
others. The key to doing this successfully is to be aware of your assertiveness rights. Assertiveness
rights are broadly accepted rights which each person possesses.
The following are just some of your many assertiveness rights. These are the assertiveness rights
which tend to be challenged most often. Defending these rights will greatly improve your
confidence, personal effectiveness and relationships:
Be yourself
You are your own person with your own beliefs and values. You are entitled to live your life as you
see fit, as long as you do not deliberately seek to hurt others. Others may be inadvertently upset by
some of your choices but that does not mean that you have to change.
Respect yourself
You are entitled to make decisions which respect your sense of identity and purpose. Where
agreeing to the requests of others would contradict your values, identity or purpose, it is perfectly
acceptable to say No.
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Assertiveness
Choose your own priorities
Each person has responsibility for their own life. In accepting responsibility for your own life,
you have the right to choose your own priorities. When you have a sense of purpose, you will want
to priorities tasks which help you fulfill that purpose.
Say No
Some people find it the hardest word to say but No is one of the most empowering words. If you
do not want to do something, you are entitled to say No. You do not need to justify your choice.
Be fallible
You will make mistakes and you will get things wrong. That is a natural part of life. As long as you
were trying to do the right thing, people cannot have much of an argument with you. Rather than
getting upset by the response of others, choose to learn from your mistakes and get it right next
time.
Be understood
When there are conflicting opinions, people can become so stubborn in the defence of their own
views that they refuse to hear others. People have the right to disagree with you but you have the
right to have your opinion heard and understood. If they then want to disagree, thats fine.
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Assertiveness
Be aware that there are some responsibilities attached to all these rights:
following through.
To assess your true feelings without exaggeration or underestimation; to express your feelings
commitments.
To express your needs and, if appropriate, work out a compromise.
To recognize anger and joy, and see that these feelings do not interfere with others rights and
responsibilities.
CONCLUSION
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Assertiveness
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