LECTURE 7

Human Love
A Phenomenology of Love by Manny Dy; A Phenomenology of Love by
William Luijpen
Outline:
Introduction
1. Love as An Appeal (Invitation) of the Other
a. An invitation/appeal to me to step out of myself
b. An invitation/appeal to be with, for the other
i.
not an appeal of his/her facticity
ii.
an appeal not identified with the explicit request
iii.
appeal of his subjectivity, to share in his subjectivity
c. An appeal that brings new dimension to existence
2. Love as a Yes to the Appeal
a. Yes of my subjectivity
b. Embodied Yes to the Other
c. Yes to the Other for the sake of the other
d. A yes that bring self-fulfillment
e. A yes that demands to be ratified by the other
3. Love as Creativity, as making to be
a. Distinction between knowing and loving
b. Distinction between creativity of love and creativity of artistic
work
c. What is created in love:
i.
Creation of the WE
ii.
Creation of World into a WE-WORLD
Introduction
- In our previous discussion, Martin Buber describes the 2
fundamental ways, and levels of relating with our fellow
men/women.
- I-IT: Social Relation
- I-THOU: Interhuman relation
- The latter relation is the relation that is authentically human and
humanizing.
- And Martin Buber clarifies the conditions and obstacles for this kind
of relation:
- Seeming vs. Being
- Speechfying vs. Personal Making Present
- Imposition vs. Unfolding
- Genuine Dialogue takes place when these conditions are realized;
and when there is genuine dialogue, the participants are disposed
for the interhuman relation which takes place, happens as a gift, as
a grace-event.
- There are several specific ways of realizing the I-Thou relation, of
treating, encountering, relating with the other as a Thou. Among
these possibilities, love is the most common and the deepest.
- Yet, love is the most often misunderstood concept.
- Though it is most universal experience (a universal human
phenomenon), it is the most commonly misunderstood
- Some misconceptions of what love is:
- Love as mere feeling
- Love as act of possessing or being possessed
- Love as equated with/identified with sex
- Love as falling in love: you could not do anything but be
seduced or overwhelmed by some power beyond your
control.

In this section, we will try to understand the nature and

characteristics of authentic love. How?
- By phenomenological method, i.e.:
- First, let us be aware and set aside or bracket our
preconceptions, prejudices, stereotyping of love.
- Then let us try to go back to what is originally given in any
experience of love and reduce from the different
experiences what is essential to those love-experience, i.e.
what makes those experience an experiences of love distinct
from other experiences.

Love as An Appeal
- in any loving encounter, any experience of love, one
experiences an appeal, an invitation, a calling forth that is
addressed/directed to me.
- This appeal, invitation, calling forth goes out/come from the
Other and is embodied in a word, a gesture, a look, a smell, etc.
- No matter in what form the appeal of the Other embodies itself,
it is not an appeal from mere words, gesture, look, smell but
from the Other as other.
- Now let us more specifically clarify what the appeal contains:
- The other is appealing, inviting, calling me to what, for
what?
- Who is this other who appeals to me?
- What makes me hear/notice the appeal?
a

An invitation/appeal to me to step out of myself

- in my daily life or at the first stages of my our development, I
am:
- centered on myself, enclosed in my shell or nest
- permeated with self-importance or pride
- preoccupied with my concerns, interests, needs , projects
- absorbed in my thoughts, feelings, etc.
- too absorbed, identified with my social roles, particular traits
and characteristics such that I see and relate in relation to
these roles, traits I have:
- Seeing myself as a judge, I only see or face others simply
as delinquent, lawyers, etc.
- When loving encounter takes place, there is an invitation, an
appeal, a calling forth from the other mediated through signs,
gestures, looks to go beyond, to step out, to break away
- From my shell, my own nest
- From my roles, from the roles I see in other.
- In each encounter with the other, there is this
invitation/appeal/call. When this invitation is seen, perceived,
heard, noticed, then there is a loving encounter or more
properly the loving encounter has begun.
- But I could be blind, deaf to this invitation; I can myself to this
appeal when I am too compulsive and too absorbed with myself
and my roles.
- When this happens, I need a special attitude, a special
disposition in order to perceive the appeal and this attitude
itself implies that I have already been freed from my absorption
and compulsion.

Appeal of the Other, to be with, for the Other

- now, let us clarify what is in the other that invites me to step
out of myself

i.
-

ii.

iii.

Not an appeal of his/her facticity

Facticity:
- Refers to ones givenness, what is already there,
determined, structured
- Refers to the already determined physical and spiritual
qualities/attributes of the Other
- Physical traits
- Temperament, psychological traits
- Inclinations
- Aptitude
- Moral qualities
What invites me to step out of myself is not these qualities
and attributes even how attractive, pleasing and beautiful
they are.
Why?
1. For these may call me to be near him (infatuation) but
they are incapable of inviting me to step out of myself.
2. The invitation of the other to step out of myself remains
even these qualities cease to attract. Love would not be
made impossible when these qualities fade away or are
lost.
3. As long as the others qualities in themselves speak to
me, invite me, the invitation does not come from the
other as the other, as a person, thou, subjectivity.
An appeal not identified with the explicit request
What invites me to step out is not the explicit request of the
other, i.e. expression of the factual situation for which
provisions have to be made.
- What he/she explicitly asks from me because of the
situation in which he/she is in.
- The request that he/she makes
Why?
1. Even if I respond to and satisfy the request, it does not
mean that there is love, that I really step out of myself,
transcend myself for the Other. Maybe I just do it out of
pity or just to get rid of him.
2. Even if I respond to that request and satisfy to that
request, the other goes away very much dissatisfied as if
I have not satisfied/responded to his actual request,
appeal, invitation.
3. The appeal of the Other is more than his explicit request.
The other does not only make an appeal but he is an
appeal.
An appeal of his subjectivity, to share in his subjectivity
What appeals, calls, invites me to step out of myself is
HIS/HER SUBJECTIVITY:
- What stands over and above the qualities, attributes of
the person, the role that he/she has.
- The very depth of the person which could not be reduced
to one of these qualities and aspect nor the sum total of
them
- The very depth which is
- the original source of all these qualities, stamping
them with uniqueness, the source
- the original source of possibilities
- the original source of initiative, determination.

The attributes/qualities embody the subjectivity but could

not be identified with it.
They point to something deeper, something that stands
beyond from which the appeal comes from, goes forth.
The request, what he explicitly asks is not what appeals to
me but HE who makes the explicit request.
The subjectivity, the Other as other appeals to me to step
out of myself for what?
- To share, participate in, to be for/with HIS/HER
SUBJECTIVITY
- This means to accept/consent, support, help in his/her
self-realization, self-actualization.

An appeal that brings new dimension of my existence

- we have mentioned at the beginning of our discussion that for
me to perceive the appeal of the other, I must already in some
extent overcome my over too fascination with myself
- yet on the other hand, it is precisely the appeal of the other to
me that liberates me from my self pre-occupation, egoistic
existence, by revealing to me, opening me up to a new,
unsuspected dimension of my existence.
- How does the other open me to this new, unsuspected
dimension? What is this new, unsuspected dimension?
- We grow in our awareness of the different dimensions of our
existence? As we grow, we go deeper; as we go deeper, we
grow.
- First level: Facticity - I am my facticity
- I who is a facticity am my different qualities, attitudes,
roles and other determinations which I inherited from my
past.
- Second level: Freedom/Subjectivity
- I am more than my facticity because I am their bearer;
and as subject, I have freedom:
- To annihilate, to transcend every form of facticity
- To extend myself toward a not yet finished, to be
realize unique self-project by being in the world
- Yet I always find myself again as the bearer of objective
qualities, a filled-out file card, player of role.
- Third Level: Subjectivity for the Other (Intersubjectivity)
- The appeal of the other as other makes me see, reveals
to me that my existence is an existence for, with the
other
- The appearance of the other, the perception of the
other's appeal makes me realize that the deepest aspect
of myself is not only my subjectivity but my subjectivity
for the other: my deepest self is self for the other, my
existence is an existence for, with the other
- This appeal of the other brings a radical
conversion/change to my self-realization of my unique
self-project
- I only become truly myself by realizing myself in the
world for the other
- I am here to realize myself in the world that others
may live, that others may become what they are
meant to be.
- I transcend my facticity for the sake of the other; I
overcome my facticity through self-realization in the
world for the sake of the other, that others may live.

Love as a Yes to the Appeal of the Other

a

Yes of my subjectivity
- the appeal of the other which proceeds from his subjectivity (not
from his facticity nor be identified with his/her explicit request)
calls/invites me to step out of myself and to share in his
subjectivity
- this appeal which brings me to an awareness of the deepest
aspect of my existence demands a response, an appropriate
response.
- The appropriate response is the response/yes of my subjectivity
since the other appeals from his/subjectivity and appeals to my
subjectivity
- I should not respond simply from my facticity, from what I
have but from my subjectivity, from what I am; I do not only
give what I have but what I am
- I dont simply give a piece of bread, a coin, a part of my
time; nor simply play the role that he needs at the
moment, nor attain the quality/attributes that could help
him
- But I respond from what I am, from my subjectivity:
- I respond with the totality, unity, uniqueness of my
life
- I respond from the deepest aspect of myself: original
source of my creativity, activity which stamps all my
activities, roles and attributes with uniqueness
- I give the potentialities, my self-project for the good
of the other.
- This response from my subjectivity:
- Could never be forced by anyone on me, even by the
other's appeal; it is an act of the WILL, FREEDOM.
- Is not a question of feeling for my subjectivity is
something beyond, deeper than my feeling; it is not
determined by feeling or by external circumstances.
- If I say yes to the appeal, i.e. give my subjectivity in freedom
for the other, then this yes is known as LOVE.
a. Embodied Yes to other's Subjectivity
i.

Yes to other's subjectivity

- since the other's appeal is not an appeal of his facticity, my
yes/response is not a response to his faciticity: i.e., to his
qualities, characteristics or determinable attributes/roles
- love is not a yes to be with, for the other's facticity
- it is not a matter of supporting, affirming, sharing the
different qualities, attributes and roles of the other
- since the other's appeal is not identified with his/her explicit
request, the Yes/Response to the appeal of the other is not
simply the material granting of that explicit request,
granting of what other explicitly requests
- to say yes to the appeal of the other as other does not
necessarily mean that I give in to his/her explicit request.
- In some cases, I have to say no to his/her explicit request
in order for me to say yes to his appeal as a person, to
say yes to his subjectivity.
- Since the appeal of the other comes from his subjectivity
and the appeal is to be with, for his subjectivity, the yes of
love is the yes to his subjectivity
- To respond to the appeal of the other as other is to
affirm, share, support his subjectivity

His freedom
Self-realization of his unique self-project and
possibilities
What he is meant to be.

ii.

Yes to other as Embodied Subject is not sentimentality,

romanticism
- the subjectivity of the other to which I say my yes is an
EMBODIED SUBJECT
- a subjectivity immersed in the body, in the world (I am
my body-I have my body, being in the world)
- a subjectivity identified in some extent with his/her body
- a subjectivity that could not be separated from his body,
from the world,
- a subjectivity that realizes, becomes itself in and through
the body, the world.
- To say yes to his/her subjectivity involves, means:
- Being conscious, taking care, doing something, affirming,
supporting his body, his world, his material life
- Concretely this means:
- Giving him/her food, shelter, clothing
- Building hospitals, road, other necessary
infrastructure for humanization
- Taming the river, develop medicine
- Opening schools
- Humanizing the economic, political, social structure
- All these one does in order that it may be possible for the
other to be a subjectivity, a self,
- Thus, to the other who is an embodied subject is not a pure
sentimentality; it engages one to do something concrete in
the world, to accomplish something in the world, to make it
more human.

iii.

Yes to the Other is not permissiveness

- Since the appeal of the other as other/subjectivity could not
be identified with his/her explicit request, to say to the
appeal of the other as other does not necessarily mean that
I say yes to any explicit request that he makes
- to say no to his/her explicit request does not necessarily
mean saying no to the Other
- to say yes to his/her subjectivity, I need to go beyond
what he/she requests;
- I even sometimes need to say vehemently and strongly
no to his/her request which clearly will destroy/ruin
his/her subjectivity
- Saying to other's subjectivity does not mean saying yes
- to what he/she thinks as:
- Unique self-project:
- Ultimate Reality/Value toward which he/she directs
his/her life:
- Ultimate Happiness
- Why? because what he/she chooses as his Self-Project,
Ultimate Reality/Value, Ultimate Happiness is not always,
is not necessarily his authentic self-project, not the
Ultimate Reality/Value, Ultimate Happiness.
- For example, if he/she chooses to make himself, money,
possessions, sex among others as his self-project,
ultimate reality/value, ultimate happiness, then I am

obliged to oppose him, to close this road for if necessary

by force.
This presupposes that:
- I have true conviction about what true happiness is,
what is the ultimate reality, what is an authentic selfproject: BEING FOR OTHERS, NOT IN HAVING
- I cannot be indifferent nor content with what other
thinks as his/her happiness.

b. Yes to the Other for the sake of the Other (Disinterestedness of

Love)
i.

The motive to say yes to the Other as other is not seek to one's
own fulfillment, interest or advancement.
- the motive/purpose of ones loving-response is not to
draw/get some advancement, advantages, benefits or
rewards for oneself from one's loving of the other
- one who loves cannot possibly intend and try to gain
something out of the love:
- to seek promotion
- to gain some advantages
- to satisfy some needs
- to fulfill some ambitions
- to fulfill to certain desire, dream
- to realize one's unique self-project
- one who does so cannot keep his/her love pure; there is a
betrayal of love, denial of love
- e.g.: if a nurse who tenderly and attentively takes care of
her patient because she wants to become quickly as
possible head nurse or to gain eternal reward for herself, the
patient does not feel that he is really loved.

ii.

The motive of love is not to dominate, to force or to possess the

other.
- If I love the Other, I do not intend to dominate, force or
possess the other. I do not intend that:
- The other does things according to what I want, I like
even if he does not choose or want it.
- To make him/her go this way/destiny whether he/she
wants it or not because that is really the best/authentic
way/destiny
- Rather, I intent, I will, I support the others freedom, that the
other himself/herself determines his own action and being.
- Concretely this means:
- I am not just satisfied that the other goes a particular
way through the world, not even if that way is good, will
lead him/her to authentic happiness, self-realization.
- I should desire/seek that he/she himself/herself
- chooses that good way or avoid the bad way
- realizes his/her destiny, self-project according to
his/her own rhythm, dynamism.

iii.

The Motive of love is YOU

- To love the other is to love him/her because of him/her, for
his/her own sake and not mine.
- To love is to say yes to the other as other for his/her the sake
and not mine (even at my expense)
- I affirm, support the Others subjectivity for his/her own sake
- For the sake of his/her subjectivity itself

For the interest, advancement, realization unique self

This is the end in itself which could not be used
simply/solely as means to some others.
I support this end even at my expense: Pain, discomfort,
even death

c. It is a yes that brings self-fulfillment

- As we have discussed above, authentic love does not aim,
intend, seek, wish ones self-fulfillment and self-realization,
- Yet, love brings authentic self-fulfillment, self-realization
- I come to realize without at least directly intending it my
unique self-project
- I come to realize myself in my deepest dimension,
being/subjectivity for, with the other
- In this sense, loving itself is the very fulfillment of my
deepest being.
- In other words, a human person goes forward to love the other
and then he finds the fulfillment of his personhood, provided
this fulfillment is not the motive of his love.
d. It is a yes that demands to be received/ratified by the Other
- Love wills, supports, affirms the Others subjectivity as a
response to Others appeal
- This willing, supporting, affirming of the Others subjectivity
becomes only fruitful when the other accepts/ratifies, freely
consents the loving-response.
- Though the lover cannot will that his love be not known,
understood, accepted, and fruitful, he cannot force his Yes, his
offer, his response be accepted by the Other
- The other is absolutely free to respond to say yes or no; he
should make other make an absolutely free acceptance and
ratification of his/offer for love to be authentic.
- Thus, there is the risk of rejection, betrayal and consequently,
one becomes entirely defenseless.
- No doubt the experience of rejection is painful, and it will take
time for the lover to recover himself from his experience.
- Nevertheless, the experience can provide him with an
opportunity to examine himself and the emptying of oneself
brought about by rejection would allow room for development.
In this sense, it is still an enriching experience
3

Love as Creativity, as making to be

- when love is received and reciprocated, love becomes fruitful in
the sense that love:
- makes the other be
- creates the other
- let us clarify how does love creates the other, how is love
creative
a

Distinction between Knowing and Loving

- Knowing the other person is a necessary condition in loving the
other but the two are different/distinct
- In knowing,
- I just let reality be as it unfolds, unveils, unconceals before
me
- I let reality be by perceiving, respecting, and accepting it as
it unfolds, unveils, unconceals before me
- In letting reality be and in respecting and accepting reality, I
am completely passive

In
-

I do not do anything with reality as it unfolds, unveils

before except to respect and accept it.
Thus, knowing is not a creative activity
Loving,
It involves letting be: perceiving, respecting, affirming the
other as he/she unfolds, unveils, unconceals before me
It also includes making the others be:
- Willing, choosing
Subjectivity
- Supporting
Self-Project
- Assisting
the Others
Freedom
- Fostering
Self-hood
- Creating
Etc.

e. Distinction between the Creativity of Love and Creativity of Artistic

Work
- Similarity between Creativity of Love and Creativity of Artistic
Work
- In making an art work (just like sculpture), the artist does
not just let the stone be a stone, or a wood be a wood
- He makes it be, he makes it into a beautiful sculpture. He
realizes what is potentially in the wood, in the stone. Yet that
potentiality could not have been realized without him.
- The same thing in love, I do not just let the other be. I also
make the otherss other be.
- Difference between Creativity of Love and Creativity of Artistic
Work
- The other that I make to be in love is not an object, like
stone (which is without freedom, subjectivity, self-project,
etc.) but a person/subjectivity which has freedom, unique
self-project and possibilities.
- Love creates the other in the sense that it makes the other
be not as facticity but as subjectivity:
- the person could never be fully in touch with his
subjectivity and would never proceed from his
subjectivity unless he/she is loved by another.
- Unique self-project and unique possibilities could not be
realized without the love of another
- His/her freedom as freedom from, to and for/with could
never be realized with the love of another.
- But love creates the subjectivity of the other not by
unilateral, causalistic or deterministic manner as sculptor
creates a statue out of a stone or wood.
- Though there are some influences of the other on ones
subjectivity, the subjectivitity could never be determined
by the other without destroying it or corrupting it.
- Unlike a stone which I could completely determine
without destroying it, I could never completely
determine the other persons without destroying them
as person, destroying them in their subjectivity.
- My affection, action, influence could only bear fruit, could
only be creative, could make the other be if he/she
accepts, ratifies my affection, influences.
- E.g. in education:
- If the person studies what his teachers says he
should study because his teacher says so and not
because he wants or chooses to study, the
teacher feels that he does not the other becomes
a subjectivity, a person.

f.

i.

If the person does study because he opts/chooses

to study as he himself sees or at least trusts that
there is some value in it, then person becomes
more fully what is meant to be, he realizes
himself on a level he would never have reached if
he had been left alone.
What is created in love?
- To answer this, let us have a very brief phenomenological
descripti0on of the experience of being loved
- We come to describe this experience by answering this
question: WHAT DOES THE OTHER MAKE OF ME WHEN HE
LOVES ME?
-

ii.

Creation of the I into a WE

In his/her love (his breaking out of himself/herself to affirm,
support, etc. my subjectiivity, my self-realization of my
unique self-project), I am no longer alone in my subjectivity
- I now become aware of my subjectivity as being loved,
affirmed, accepted, supported by the other.
- I realize my unique self-project and possibilities and go
forward to my destiny in the presence of someone who
accepts, affirms and makes possible this self-realization.
- In short, I am not alone, and I am not doing it alone. I
am with the other and I am doing it with the other.
Consequently, I no longer feel the fear of being myself and
the anxiety in trying to someone else. But I acquire the
feeling of security, of acceptance.
Creation of the World into a WE WORLD
If one is unloved, the world
- is hell,
- lonely
- is resistant, opposes my self-realization
- is cursed, hated by me.
- E.g.: For children growing up unloved and maltreated,
the world is cruel.
If one is love, the world
- Has a kind face
- Shared world.
- Becomes accessible to my self-realization
- Is a homeland