You are on page 1of 29

The Five

Flirting HT

Styles

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 1 13-01-22 12:09 PM


to A

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 2 13-01-22 12:09 PM


The Five
Flirting TITLE

Styles

Use the Science of Flirting


to Attract the Love You Really Want

JEFFREY A. HALL, Ph.D.

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 3 13-01-22 12:09 PM


[Harlequin nonfiction logo]

The Five Flirting Styles

ISBN-13: 978-0-373-89273-0

2013 by Jeffrey A. Hall, Ph.D.

All rights reserved. The reproduction, transmission or utiliza-


X
tion of this work in whole or in part in any form by any elec-
tronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter X

invented, including xerography, photocopying and recording, X


or in any information storage or retrieval system, is forbidden X
without the written permission of the publisher. For permis-
X
sion please contact Harlequin Enterprises Limited, 225 Dun-
can Mill Road, Don Mills, Ontario, Canada, M3B 3K9. X

X
[CIP DATA] X

X
and TM are trademarks owned and used by the trademark
owner and/or its licensee. Trademarks indicated with are X

registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office, X


the Canadian Trade Marks Office and/or other countries. X

X
www.eHarlequin.com
X

Printed in U.S.A. X

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 4 13-01-22 12:09 PM


FMH/
CONTENTS BMH

za-
X INTRODUCTION: A MISSED OPPORTUNITY
c-
er X CHAPTER 1: THE FLIRTING STYLES

ng, X CHAPTER 2: THE PHYSICAL STYLE


den X CHAPTER 3: THE POLITE STYLE
s-
X CHAPTER 4: THE PLAYFUL STYLE
n-
X CHAPTER 5: THE SINCERE STYLE

X CHAPTER 6: THE TRADITIONAL STYLE


TOC
X CHAPTER 7: THE SWITCH

X CHAPTER 8: PERCEPTIONS AND MISPERCEPTIONS


ark
e X CHAPTER 9: COMMON MISTAKES AND HELPFUL TIPS

ce, X EPILOGUE

X APPENDIX: ABOUT THE PROCEDURES IN THIS BOOK

X NOTES

X REFERENCES

X ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 5 13-01-22 12:09 PM


AFT
read
her
time
of gi
goin
ever
to gi
drink
nigh
ted
bar w
atten

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 6 13-01-22 12:09 PM


Introduction

A MISSED
OPPORTUNITY FMH

AFTER A TOUGH WEEK OF WORK, KELSEY WAS GETTING


ready for a night on the town. Enjoying a pre-party drink with
her friends and blasting her favorite music, Kelsey took her
BODY
time getting readyshe wanted to look good tonight. The kind TEXT
of girl who brings the party wherever she goes, Kelsey was out-
going and always seemed to know how to make friends with
everyone. Bouncers, bartenders, and waiters always wanted
to give Kelseyand her friendsa little something extra. A free
drink, a good table, an extra appetizer often appeared. That
night she was going to her favorite bar. She walked in and strut-
ted up to the bar to get drinks for her friends. Although the
bar was packed, Kelsey had no trouble getting the bartenders
attention, flashing him a bright smile. He came over to take her

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 7 13-01-22 12:09 PM


8 The Five Flirting Styles

drink order, she leaned in to talk in his ear, and they were soon walk
hitting it off like old friends. This was going to be a good night. cer a
The same night, Spencer was getting ready to go out with S
his friends. For the first time in months, they had convinced to K
him to go out to try to meet someone newor so they thought. aske
Spencer hated bars, clubs, basically the whole singles scene. exce
Despite what everyone said, he never found it a good way to a litt
meet women. He always found himself in a corner with an an- the
noyed look on his face, watching other guys aggressively (and ama
successfully) hit on girls. All of his girl friends told him how to c
much they hate pushy guys, but once they were actually at dow
the bar, the ladies seemed to love it. Despite what his friends wno
thought, they hadnt convinced Spencer to finally get out and said
meet someone. There was only one reason that he was going ly di
outto see Kelsey. walk
But, he didnt come up to the bar, he went straight to an emp-
ty booth with his friends. Kelsey thought, Whats his problem?
Ch
I dont get it, why is Kelsey talking to that guy?Spencer
thought. I swear she smiled at me when I walked in, but now The
shes hitting on someone else. Im not going to compete with time
that. He settled down at a booth with his friends and joined trea
the conversation, trying not to let his disappointment show. girl,
My drinks gone, and this guy is a tool. Im going to go later
see what Spencer is doing, Kelsey thought. She found him in like J
a booth with his friends. She came up behind him and playfully one
asked, Hey Spence! Planning to ignore me again? Spencer his g
looked startled and a little embarrassed. But, he moved over reall
right away to make room for her beside him and he introduced D
her to his friends. Recognizing Spencers interest, his friends you

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 8 13-01-22 12:09 PM


Introduction: A Missed Opportunity 9

soon walked to the bar to get another round of beers, leaving Spen-
ight. cer and Kelsey alone.
with Spencer knew this was his chance. So, he started talking
nced to Kelsey. He asked her about Justin and if she was OK. He
ught. asked her about work and what she had been up to. He was
ene. exceedingly polite, but frustrated too. Kelsey seemed to be
ay to a little bored and kept looking around the bar as if this wasnt
n an- the place for having that sort of conversation. She looked
(and amazing, but he though better of saying sohe didnt want
how to come off as just another jerk. As the conversation wore
y at down, she said, I need to check in with my friends over there,
ends wnodding to the other section of the bar. Kelsey got up and
and said, It was good to see you, Spence. Spencer was serious-
oing ly disappointed, but he let her go and watched sadly as she
walked away.
emp-
m?
Change Your Game H2
ncer
now The story of Kelsey and Spencer happens over and over again,
with time after time, from California to Kansas, from Miami to Mon-
ined treal. Girl wants to meet good guy, good guy wants to be with
w. girl, but they just cant seem to connect. Kelseys friends will
o go later give her a hard time about always ending up with the jerks
m in like Justin, but can offer little advice about how to meet some-
fully one better. Spencers friends will pick on him about how weak
ncer his game is and what a downer he is about going out, but they
over really cant offer any better advice.
uced Dating guides and pick-up books wont help much either. If
ends you read these books theyll tell you that Kelsey is a good flirt

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 9 13-01-22 12:09 PM


10 The Five Flirting Styles

and Spencer is a bad flirt. But is Kelsey really a good flirt? Sure, P
Kelsey knows how to use her body language and bubbly per- d
sonality to meet guys, but she always winds up with the wrong c
one. For Spencer, the dating guides will tell him, Step up your T
game! Theyll tell him to get out there and compete with other p
men, isolate her to get her alone, and come on strong because fl
girls love a guy with confidence. As if it were as simple as that. p
Dating guides even tell women how to flirt with body language, fl
as if batting your eyes or walking seductively is useful advice r
for everyone (or anyone). T
fl
a
H1 FIVE FLIRTING STYLES a
T
This book isnt like the others. This book is a game changer. The a
truth isnt there isnt one right way to flirt. In fact, there are five s
flirting styles. You already have a way of flirting that feels natu- r
ral and is most effective for you: you just need to learn how to s
use it. Rather than a one-size-fits-all approach, this book will T
provide you detailed and research-based information about s
your own unique style of flirting so that you can flirt smarter p
and attract the kind of dates and relationships you really want T
to attract. Thats what sets this book apart from the rest. a
Based on exclusive research, these five flirting styles were L
discovered in a sample of over 5,000 eHarmony users and con- f
firmed in a huge survey of 4,500 individuals worldwide:
You
The Physical Flirt:Physical flirting involves the ing s
expression of sexual interest through body language. style

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 10 13-01-22 12:09 PM


Introduction: A Missed Opportunity 11

Sure, People who scored high in this style of flirting often


per- develop relationships quickly and have more sexual
rong chemistry with their partners.
your The Polite Flirt:The polite style of flirting focuses on
ther proper manners and non-sexual communication. Polite
ause flirts like Spencer are less likely to come on to a potential
that. partner and generally do not find traditional flirting
age, flattering, but they tend to have longer, more meaningful
dvice romantic relationships.
The Playful Flirt:People with playful flirting styles often
flirt with little interest in romance. They flirt to have fun
and for an ego boost, often with no romantic strings
BP
attached. Kelsey is a classic Playful flirt.
The Sincere Flirt:Sincere flirting involves creating
The an intense emotional connection and communicating
five sincere interest. Sincere flirts have meaningful romantic
natu- relationships that put emotional connection first and
w to sexual attraction second.
will The Traditional Flirt:Traditional flirts believe men
bout should make the first move and women should not
arter pursue men. By taking a more passive role in dating,
want Traditional women have trouble getting mens attention
and are less likely to be direct in their intentions.
were Likewise, Traditional men often know a potential partner
con- for a longer time before approaching them.

You probably recognize yourself in one or a few of these flirt-


ing styles. Everyone is a mix of the five styles, but typically one
style is more dominant than the others.

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 11 13-01-22 12:09 PM


12 The Five Flirting Styles

Your style of flirting isnt inherently good or bad. But un-


derstanding your flirting styleand how to recognize all five
flirting stylescan be invaluable in your dating life. Thats be-
cause how you flirt influences the way you communicate at-
traction, the kind of person you attract, your relationship
success, and how long a relationship you typically have. If
youre not finding the kind of relationships you want, your
flirting style isnt working for youand thats where this book
can help.

H2 Take The Flirting Styles Inventory


This book might not make you an instant flirting success, but
it will help you take the first steps towards a journey of making
your flirting style work for you.

THE
H1 HOW TO USE THIS BOOK lucky
an a
First, go online and complete the online Flirting Styles Inven- expl
tory. You will get your own individualized report that you can dia c
download, print, and share (if you like). Once you know your Cosm
flirting style, this book will explain how your style influences my fi
every step of a relationshipfrom where you go to meet people expl
to how you experience love in committed relationships. You can style
zero in on the chapters and parts that are particular to your flirti
own flirting style, but dont skip the parts about the other flirt- go a
ing styles. Flirting takes two, after all, so youll want to know the fl
how other people flirt, too. ent t

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 12 13-01-22 12:09 PM


t un-
five
s be-
e at-
ship
e. If
your
book
Chapter One

THE FIVE
but FLIRTING STYLES
king

THE BOOK YOURE READING BEGAN WITH AN INCREDIBLY


lucky meeting of minds in Los Angeles, CA, which evolved into
an academic research article, and then sparked a viral media
ven- explosion. The five flirting styles have received incredible me-
can dia coverage on TV, in print and online. And Womens Health,
your Cosmo, Glamour, USA TODAY and Time magazine all featured
nces my five flirting styles, among many others. In this chapter, Ill
ople explain the research and exclusive data behind the five flirting
u can style. Ill also give you crash course in the true definition of
your flirting (which is much more than batting eyes) and how we
flirt- go about communicating attraction, setting the stage for how
now the flirting styles came to be and how it is fundamentally differ-
ent than what came before.

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 13 13-01-22 12:09 PM


14 The Five Flirting Styles

who
BH Research Says
that
For years, school, work, and friends and family were the lines
BTX most common places to meet a new spouse. Internet in do
dating is now second only to meeting through friends. ters
the m

The story of the five flirting styles starts with a seismic shift in
dating as we know it as online dating became more and more
popular. After years of slow, steady growth in the 1990s, online
dating services experienced exponential growth between 2000
and 2005. For match-making services like eHarmony that pair
members with other members based on key data they collect,
with this great success came a special challenge, one that Se-
nior Director for Research and Product Development at eHar-
mony, Steve Carter, was tasked with solving. Peop
In order to better serve eHarmony users and ensure a high- guag
er success ratea better match, if you willSteve wanted re- is a
search on the science of romantic chemistry. When two people thes
were matched by eHarmony, courted through email, and bold
enough to meet face-to-face, what happened? Did they experi-
ence that electric spark of chemistry or was it dullsville? Steve
wanted data about eHarmony users that would help sort out
the matches who felt a strong connection versus those who
felt nothing.
At that time I was an eager new graduate student at the
Annenberg School for Communication at the University of
Southern California. My advisor, Dr. Michael Cody (Cody to his Afte
friends), had a friend and former student named Julie Albright NO!,

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 14 13-01-22 12:09 PM


Chapter One: The Five Flirting Styles 15

who knew Steve Carter, who was a USC psychology grad. At


that time, Cody and I were writing a book chapter on pickup
lines, and Julie passed along this info to Steve. At the Daily Grill
in downtown Los Angeles and later at eHarmony headquar-
ters in Pasadena, I found myself at this fortuitous meeting of
the minds.

ft in BH
Quotables
more
nline How a person flirts honestly reveals some important
BTX
000 qualities about the individual.
pair Dr. Steven Gangestad, Evolutionary Psychologist
BTX
lect, at University of New Mexico ATTRIBUTE

t Se-
Har-
People think that there is just one way to flirt: through body lan-
high- guage. But, I came to the conclusion that pinning down flirting
d re- is a lot harder than you might think. I set off to try to answer
ople these three questions.
bold
peri- 1. Do you always know when someone is flirting
teve with you?
out 2. Does everyone flirt for the same reason or for
who the same end goal? NL
3. Is the body language of a flirtatious person
the different than that of a friendly person?
y of
o his After looking at the evidence, I had to come to the conclusion:
right NO!, No, and sort of (in that order). One of the big conclusions

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 15 13-01-22 12:09 PM


16 The Five Flirting Styles

of the flirting styles project is this: Everyone simply does not


flirt in the same way or for the same reasons.

H3 WHATS YOUR MO?


Another challenge of figuring out what is flirting and what isnt
is that people have very different goals for flirting (Henningsen,
2004). One of the most common questions I get is the same
question in different forms: How do you know if someone is
really flirting with you or is just being nice/trying to get a free
drink/ trying to make someone else jealous. People will often
do things that look like flirting for reasons that have nothing
to do with love, romance, or attraction. Because of the utterly
contradictory and confusing goals that people can have and the
unfortunate possibility of outright deception when flirting, it is
really hard to know whether or why someone is flirting at all.
Dear

Ive
BH Top 10 Ways to Spot a Physical Flirt
gro
1. Soon after meeting you, a physical flirt will
clearly show you if they are attracted to you. on
2. If you meet online, physical flirts feel comfortable ad
disclosing personal details, and will want to but
meet you face-to-face as soon as possible.
BXNL sinc
3. Physical flirts will (mis)interpret your
friendliness as flirtatiousness.
4. Whether a man or a woman, a physical flirt will
be a bit more aggressive, assertive, competitive, That

and dominant compared to any other flirting style. me i


I can

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 16 13-01-22 12:09 PM


Chapter One: The Five Flirting Styles 17

not 5. A physical woman will use a pick up line at a bar


or lay on the flattery on a date.
6. Physical flirts are incredibly confident that other
people want them and find them attractive. They
isnt are the only style that feels so assured.
sen, 7. A physical flirt will come alone to a bar to pick
ame attractive strangers.
ne is
free
ften
hing
terly
d the
ASK THE DOCTOR:
it is
Post Hookup No Show DR_H1

t all.
Dear Dr. Hall, LSA

Ive been hanging out with this guy in my


group of friends for a while, and I have a crush
on him. Last weekend, I hooked up with him at
a drunken party. I thought that he was into me, LTX
but now I feel like hes been blowing me off ever
since we hooked up. Whats HIS flirting style?
Jess (High Sincere & Physical Style, Low on Traditional) LSIG

Thats a tough question, but I think what you are really asking
me is, Whats his deal? How should I read him? One thing that
I can tell you is that women are much more likely than men to

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 17 13-01-22 12:09 PM


18 The Five Flirting Styles

think that hooking up is a pathway toward a long-term relation-


ship. This is a tough situation in your case particularly because
you wanted this to turn out a certain way. You hooked up with
him knowing you were attracted to him, and hoping it would
turn out well. From your flirting style I can tell you probably
had no trouble getting him interested in you. You easily com-
municate sexual attraction, you know how to seek an emotional
connection, and you have no problem approaching guys. Id bet
you pushed the fast forward button on courtship. It isnt that
a long-term relationship cant get started now; it is just that in
your mind you have already stepped on the gas pedal.

TR

Q: W
Kati
Thes
used
femi
noth
matt
Bryc
I tot
gett
its B
right
goin

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 18 13-01-22 12:09 PM


tion-
ause
with
ould
ably
com-
onal
d bet
Chapter Six
that

THE
at in

TRADITIONAL STYLE

Q: Walk me through your typical evening out. QUE


Katie: When I go out, it is important to me to look my best.
These days, girls dont wear heels and dresses as much as they
used to, but they are my favorite. Heels make me feel more
ANS
feminine, more girlish, and sexier. When it come to dresses,
nothing revealing, of course. You know, first impressions really
matter!
Bryce: You know the saying, clothes make the man? Well,
I totally believe that, so I sometimes can go a bit overboard
getting ready. Ive got to make sure my hair is just right. Then,
its Boss shirts and pants, and always cologne. When it comes
right down to it, I try to dress better than any other guy Im
going out with.

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 19 13-01-22 12:09 PM


20 The Five Flirting Styles

Q: When you go out, where you do and your friends usu- his m
ally go? wha
Katie: The perfect place for me is someplace classy, like the flirti
places you see in the movies. My friends like to go to clubs
to meet guys, but I just cant stand the idea of putting myself
out there like that. We usually compromise on a place that is SW
more low key, like a hotel bar with couches or someplace more
relaxed. Draw
Bryce: Im up for whatever, but some places I like more than switc
others. My friends and I like to go to this cigar lounge before like
we head out somewhere. I sometimes wish that you could meet som
women there, but it is all dudes. It is my kind of place, you nam
know? A place you can get a cigar and a scotch. Afterward, we are t
hit whatever clubs where the drinks are expensive and there is
a line out front. Thats my kind of place. Wh

Q: Tell me about how you go about approaching someone
you are interested in.
Katie: There is a rule I never break: I dont approach guys.
Some girls are aggressive and I have no problem with that,
but its just not for me. The guy should show he is interested. I
dont want to put myself out there and get shot down. Id much
rather have a guy make the first move.

Being switched on make you more aware of a persons sexual


motives, which may be a bit uncomfortable for you. For women
particularly, doubting the honesty or purity of mens motives
is a major concern when it comes to flirting (and for good rea-
son). However, being switched off isnt just about mistrusting

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 20 13-01-22 12:09 PM


Chapter Six: The Traditional Style 21

usu- his motives, it is about whether you are paying attention to


what is being said in an interaction and whether it might be
the flirting.
lubs
yself
at is SWITCH ON H1
more
Drawing from my interviews with people about their own
than switch, Id like to give you a quick run down about what it feels
fore like to have your switch turned on and turned off. Here are
meet some quotes from men and women that I interviewed. Their
you names are changed, but these quotes are real. The first group
d, we are those who would describe their switch as turned on.
re is
What does it feel like to have your switch on? H4
Flirting is a way of socializing for me. If its off, Im
eone not being as social.Conor, 20 years old, Physical
and Traditional Flirting Style
guys. Its like Ive got a lot of personality, I guess. It makes
that, me feel more lively. If my switch were off, itd be like BP

ed. I a rainy day in a person.Charlotte, 24 years old,


much Playful and Physical Flirting Style
Im always playful with people, even ones I dont
know. I grew up around girls, so I always kind of
xual know how to act around them. Ive been trained.
men [laughs]Logan, 30 years old, Playful and Sincere
tives Flirting Style
rea-
sting

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 21 13-01-22 12:09 PM


P

AS P
ques
I me
impo
or a
whe
want
K
first
som
to th
Righ
you

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 22 13-01-22 12:09 PM


Chapter Eight

PERCEPTIONS AND
MISPERCEPTIONS

AS PROMISED IN CHAPTER 7, WE NOW RETURN TO THE BIG


question, how do I know if someone is flirting with me? As
I mentioned before, with this question comes several other
important questions, Are they interested in me romantically
or are they just being nice? What you really want to know is
whether they are interested in you in the way you want to be
wanted and the way you want them back.
Knowing that a person is interested in you is an important
first step for all romantic relationships. If you incorrectly think
someone is interested in you, then you are wasting time talking
to the wrong person when you could be talking to Mr. or Ms.
Right. By talking with someone who actually isnt interested,
you are opening yourself up for rejection and embarrassment.

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 23 13-01-22 12:09 PM


24 The Five Flirting Styles

To answer these challenging questions, Ive drawn from worl


cutting-edge research to pinpoint the 9 Rules of flirting: ing fl
Rule #1 Flirting is hard to accurately distinguish from 2) Fl
being friendly or nice. pine
Rule #2 Men are easier to read than women because look
men are obvious and women are inscrutable.
W
Rule #3 Men think women are more romantically
interested than they really are. IF

Rule #4 Body language is your best bet for telling if


P
someone is interested.
Rule #5 The fear of rejection or looking bad messes it up. P

Rule #6 Flirting is not just about sexual or romantic P


attraction.
Rule #7 Women are in control of the interaction. S

Rule #8 You can be clearer. T


Rule #9 You can be more accurate.

Whe
true
RULE #1 Flirting is hard to accurately aren

RULES_
distinguish from being friendly or nice and
H1 ally
Im guessing Rule #1 comes as no surprise to anyone. You are attra
probably swamped by popular advice about what to look for ing t
when flirting, but still not so sure that you know it when you your
see it. What you might not know is that accurately judging flirt- in an
ing is equally hard for regular people as it is for researchers of th
who do this sort of thing for a living (which is the best job in the shar

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 24 13-01-22 12:09 PM


Chapter Eight: Perceptions and Misperceptions 25

from world by the way). There are three reasons accurately detect-
ing flirting is so hard: 1) Flirting looks a lot like being outgoing,
m 2) Flirting is harder to detect than everyday emotions, like hap-
piness and sadness, and 3) Romantic interest and being nice
look very similar.
e.
What Style is Best for Me?
IF YOU ARE A. YOU WILL APPEAL TO.
CRH

Physical flirt Physical flirts. Sincere flirts.

t up. Polite flirt Polite flirts. Traditional flirts. Women.

Playful flirt Playful flirts. Men.


CR2CL
Sincere flirt Sincere flirts. Women.

Traditional flirt Polite flirts. Women.

When it comes to flirting, we want to be able to be honest and


true to ourselves, but we also want to be liked. However, we
ely arent always honest because we are afraid of being rejected,
ice and without being honest, we may not be liked for who we re-
ally are. If you think of flirting as a slow escalation of attention,
u are attraction, disclosure, and contact, then it isnt an all or noth-
k for ing thing. Instead, serve up attention that is honest and true to
you your flirting style and look for a return. If you like what you see
flirt- in another person, always reciprocate, dont make them do all
hers of the work! Rather than trying to have your cake and eat it too,
n the share your cake one little bite at a time.

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 25 13-01-22 12:09 PM


26 The Five Flirting Styles

Are They Interested? EN


A playful flirt is flirting when they seem to be Ther
totally into you but then suddenly disappear. goin
A playful flirt is NOT flirting for romantic Here
reasons, unless you know them well enough to tell to ha
they are interacting with you in a unique way.
A physical flirt is flirting when they display
sexual interest like a LED sign: buying drinks,
dropping lines, showing off their body and dance
moves, and escalating physically.
A physical flirt is NOT flirting when they dont
feel physical chemistry. You only get this kind
of attention from them when they are truly
interested and attracted.
A sincere flirt is flirting when they want to get
to know you and connect emotionally, no matter
where you meet.
A sincere flirt is NOT flirting through small talkor

BXBP chit-chat or through physical contact and touches.


Although they like to be given compliments and
are open to more forward flirting, they probably
wont be the ones initiating it.
A traditional flirt is flirting when he does
everything first and she waits for his lead.

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 26 13-01-22 12:09 PM


Chapter Eight: Perceptions and Misperceptions 27

ENDING IT
There are two reasons to end your flirting attempts: it isnt
going anywhere or it is going well but someone has to leave.
Heres some advice for knowing when to end things and how
to handle it.

The Scenario: You want to send


a flirty online dating message
The emerging world of online dating has introduced
a whole new set of challenges when flirting. Online
dating messages must strike a balance between
playfulness and formality and that first online message
is critical. Its easy to come off as too causal or too
formal. The reason this is so hard to pull off is that an
overly casual message has the possibility of seeming
flighty. If you are really playing up the emoticons and
shorthand (OMG!) you might come off as immature.
If you come across as too formal in your message, you
arent going to get a response back.
The Fix: Here are some dos and donts that apply
to everyone no matter your style.
DO spend time reviewing their profile carefully.
Once you see something that catches your inter- BXUP
est, make sure you draw attention to things
the two of you honestly share or both really
care about. Dont exaggerate or fake interest in

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 27 13-01-22 12:09 PM


28 The Five Flirting Styles

something. Thats a path to dating disappoint-


ment. A message that refers back to their profile
lets them know that you took the time to read it
and are genuinely interested.

DONT use too many text-messaging conventions


like emoticons and shorthand. It tends to come off
very poorly when people dont have much else to
go on except that single online message. A well-
used ; ) is good, but too much LMAO will get you
no response. While you are at it, spell check and
edit carefully. Dont get written off because you
look like you didnt take the time to even bother
reading what you wrote before pushing SEND.

DO be flirty by suggesting what the two of you


might enjoy doing together someday. Showing a
sense of humor and a sense of fun about yourself
and what you care about. Flirting in a way that
makes sense to you and your own flirting style
will help send the right message.

five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 28 13-01-22 12:09 PM


five_flirting_styles_interiors.indd 29 13-01-22 12:09 PM

You might also like