9.1.

2017 Yes,ItsYourParentsFaultTheNewYorkTimes

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SundayReview | NEWSANALYSI S

Yes,ItsYourParentsFault
ByKATEMURPHY JAN.7,2017

Weliveinaculturethatcelebratesindividualismandselfreliance,andyetwe
humansareanexquisitelysocialspecies,thrivingingoodcompanyandsuffering
inisolation.Morethananythingelse,ourintimaterelationships,orlackthereof,
shapeanddefineourlives.

Whiletherehavebeenmanyschoolsofthoughttohelpusunderstandwhat
strainsandmaintainshumanbonds,fromFreudiantoGestalt,oneofthemost
rigorouslystudiedmaybetheleastknowntothepublic.

Itscalledattachmenttheory,andtheresgrowingconsensusaboutits
capacitytoexplainandimprovehowwefunctioninrelationships.

Conceivedmorethan50yearsagobytheBritishpsychoanalystJohnBowlby
andscientificallyvalidatedbyanAmericandevelopmentalpsychologist,MaryS.
Ainsworth,attachmenttheoryisnowhavingabreakoutmoment,applied
everywherefrominnercitypreschoolstoexecutivecoachingprograms.Experts
inthefieldsofpsychology,neuroscience,sociologyandeducationsaythetheorys
underlyingassumptionthatthequalityofourearlyattachmentsprofoundly
influenceshowwebehaveasadultshasspecialresonanceinanerawhen
peopleseemmoreattachedtotheirsmartphonesthantooneanother.

Bytheendofourfirstyear,wehavestampedonourbabybrainsaprettyindelible
templateofhowwethinkrelationshipswork,basedonhowourparentsorother
primarycaregiverstreatus.Fromanevolutionarystandpoint,thismakessense,
becauseweneedtofigureoutearlyonhowtosurviveinourimmediate
environment.

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9.1.2017 Yes,ItsYourParentsFaultTheNewYorkTimes

Ifyouresecurelyattached,thatsgreat,becauseyouhavetheexpectation
thatifyouaredistressedyouwillbeabletoturntosomeoneforhelpandfeelyou
canbethereforothers,saidMiriamSteele,thecodirectoroftheCenterfor
AttachmentResearchattheNewSchoolforSocialResearchinNewYork.
Translating
Itsnotsogreatifyouareoneofthe40percentto50percentofbabieswho,
ametaanalysisofresearchindicates,areinsecurelyattachedbecausetheirearly
experiencesweresuboptimal(theircaregiversweredistracted,overbearing,
dismissive,unreliable,absentorperhapsthreatening).Thenyouhavetoearn
yoursecurity,Dr.Steelesaid,bylaterformingsecureattachmentsthathelpyou
overrideyourflawedinternalworkingmodel.

Giventhatthedivorcerateisalso40percentto50percent,itwouldseem
thatthisisnotaneasytask.Indeed,researcherssaid,peoplewhohaveinsecure
attachmentmodelstendtobedrawntothosewhofittheirexpectations,evenif
theyaretreatedbadly.Theymaysubconsciouslyactinwaysthatelicitinsensitive,
unreliableorabusivebehavior,whateverismostfamiliar.Ortheymayfleesecure
attachmentsbecausetheyfeelunfamiliar.

Ourattachmentsystempreferentiallyseesthingsaccordingtowhathas
happenedinthepast,saidDr.AmirLevine,apsychiatristatColumbia
UniversityandthecoauthorofthebookAttached,whichexploreshow
attachmentbehaviorsaffecttheneurochemistryofthebrain.Itskindoflike
searchinginGooglewhereitfillsinbasedonwhatyousearchedbefore.

Butagain,historyisnotnecessarilydestiny.Interventionprogramsatthe
NewSchoolandtheUniversityofDelawarearehavingmarkedsuccesshelping
atriskgroupsliketeenagemotherschangetheirattachmentbehaviors(often
passeddownthroughgenerations)andestablishmoresecurerelationships.
AnotherattachmentbasedinterventionstrategycalledCircleofSecurity,which
has19,000trainedfacilitatorsin20countries,hasalsoprovedeffective.

Whattheseprotocolshaveincommonispromotingparticipantsawareness
oftheirattachmentstyle,andtheirrelatedsabotagingbehaviors,aswellas
trainingonhowtobalancevulnerabilityandautonomyinrelationships.

Onereasonattachmenttheoryhasgainedsomuchtractionlatelyisitsideas
andobservationsaresoresonantwithourdailylives,saidKennethLevy,an

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9.1.2017 Yes,ItsYourParentsFaultTheNewYorkTimes

associateprofessorofpsychologyatPennsylvaniaStateUniversitywho
researchesattachmentorientedpsychotherapy.

Indeed,ifyoulookattheclassiccategoriesofattachmentstylessecure
insecureanxiousinsecureavoidantandinsecuredisorganizeditsprettyeasy
Translating
tofigureoutwhichoneappliestoyouandothersinyourlife.Thecategoriesstem
fromtensofthousandsofobservationsofbabiesandtoddlerswhosecaregivers
leavethembriefly,eitheraloneorwithastranger,andthenreturn,atestknown
asthestrangesituation.Thelabelscanalsoapplytohowadultsbehavetoward
lovedonesintimesofstress.

Securechildrengetupsetwhentheircaregiversleave,andruntowardthem
withoutstretchedarmswhentheyreturn.Theyfoldintothecaregiverandare
quicklysoothed.Asecurelyattachedadultsimilarlygoestoalovedonefor
comfortandsupportwhenthey,say,arepassedoverforapromotionatworkor
feelvulnerableorhurt.Theyarealsoeagertoreciprocatewhenthetablesare
turned.

Childrenhighontheinsecureanxiousendofthespectrumgetupsetwhen
caregiversleaveandmaygotothemwhentheyreturn.Butthesechildrenarent
easilysoothed,usuallybecausethecaregiverhasprovedtobeanunreliable
sourceofcomfortinthepast.Theymaykickandarchtheirbackasiftheyare
angry.Asadults,theytendtoobsessabouttheirrelationshipsandmaybeoverly
dramaticinordertogetattention.Theymayhoundromanticinterestsinsteadof
takingitslow.

Insecureavoidantchildrendontregisterdistresswhentheircaregiversleave
(althoughtheirstresshormonesandheartratemaybeskyhigh)andtheydont
showmuchinterestwhencaregiversreturn,becausetheyareusedtobeing
ignoredorrebuffed.Alternatively,aparentmayhavesmotheredthemwithtoo
muchattention.Insecureavoidantadultstendtohavetroublewithintimacyand
aremorelikelytoleaverelationships,particularlyiftheyaregoingwell.Theymay
notreturncallsandresisttalkingabouttheirfeelings.

Finally,insecuredisorganizedchildrenandadultsdisplaybothanxiousand
avoidantbehaviorsinanillogicalanderraticmanner.Thisbehaviorisusuallythe
lingeringresultofsituationswhereachildhoodcaregiverwasthreateningor
abusive.

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9.1.2017 Yes,ItsYourParentsFaultTheNewYorkTimes

ToolstodetermineyourdominantattachmentstyleincludetheAdult
AttachmentInterview,whichismeanttobeadministeredbyaclinician,orself
reportquestionnairesliketheAttachmentStylesandCloseRelationshipsSurvey.
Butcriticssaidtheiraccuracydependsontheskillandtrainingoftheinterviewer
Translating
inthecaseoftheformerandtheselfawarenessofthetesttakerinthelatter,
whichperhapsexplainswhyyoucantakebothtestsandendupindifferent
categories.

Itcanalsobepossiblethatpeopleshouldbeviewedasalongacontinuumin
allcategories,saidGlennI.Roisman,thedirectoroftheRelationshipsResearch
LabattheUniversityofMinnesotainMinneapolis.

Itsworthnotingthatjustaspeopleintheinsecurecategoriescanbecome
moresecurewhentheyformcloserelationshipswithsecurepeople,securepeople
canbecomelesssoifpairedwithpeoplewhoareinsecure.Youneedsocial
contexttosustainyoursenseofsecurity,saidPeterFonagy,aprofessorof
psychoanalysisatUniversityCollegeLondon.

Headdedthathavingsecureattachmentsisnotaboutbeingaperfectparent
orpartnerbutaboutmaintainingcommunicationtorepairtheinevitablerifts
thatoccur.Inthedailybatteringofanyrelationship,Dr.Fonagysaid,iffreeflow
ofcommunicationisimpaired,therelationshipis,too.

KateMurphyisajournalistinHoustonwhowritesfrequentlyforTheNewYork
Times.

FollowTheNewYorkTimesOpinionsectiononFacebookandTwitter
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AversionofthisnewsanalysisappearsinprintonJanuary8,2017,onPageSR4oftheNewYork
editionwiththeheadline:Yes,ItsYourParentsFault.

2017TheNewYorkTimesCompany

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