OnNormalizing

MarinaMularz

ThisiswhereItellyouaboutmynormalscar.

Perhapsnormalisnttheword.Itis,infact,worsethannormal:itsunexceptional.It

flirtswithmyforeheadrightabovemyeyebrowwhereitlivesasubstantially

insignificantlife.Itdoesnotspellmymiddlename,doesnotactivatewhenmybestfriendis

near,doesnotbearastrikingresemblancetoJesusChristorJeffGoldblumoranyotherholy

idol.Itisaquietscarthatsimplygetsby.

SometimesIimagineit,myscar,inalargercontext,asocialcircleofallworldly

scarsanalternativeuniversewherescarspassnotesandpracticefortheirdrivingexams

andcomplainabouttheirscarparentsinwhispersoverthephone.

Mymomistheworst,onescarsays,Itslikewerenotevenfromthesame

tissue.

Everyonceinawhile,allthescarsinthealternativeuniverseslowjamtoTaylor

Swiftinsomescarsbasement,andmyscaradjustsherglassesandwearsatootightone

piecebathingsuit.Shegetstheimpressionthateverybodytalkedaboutherbeforeshe

showedup.Myscardrinksacanofcreamsodaandwatchesotherpartygoersrealscars

scarsfromextremesurgeryorcrocodilehuntingslowdancetogetherandswapspituntil

theirparentsshowup.

Whereyoufrom?acoolscarwithaNeosporinbeardasksmine,shoutingoverthe

swankiestscarclubtrack.Myscartriestomakeanexit,butdoesntmovequicklyenough.

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 Well,shesays,itwasRagingWatersFunParkin99withschoolfriends.Marina

tookaturntoohardonTheOtterTube.Myscarraiseshercanandtriestomakeajoke,but

getsrealawkwardwithananxiousyelp.Shedidntknowherownstrength!

Thecoolscaraskshowmanystitchesandmyscartriestoformulatesomesortof

majesticstorymeasuredinmedicalsutures.Eventuallyshegivesupandadmitsthetruth

none,notasinglestitchandthecoolscarslinksawaytolaughatthejokesofasevereburn

hethinksmightbecuter.

ItisasorrysceneandIplaylead.Iabsorbthatfeelingthatmyscarenduresthrough

somesortofemotionalosmosisofnotbeingcoolenough,orprettyenough,orenough

enough.Myscardoesnthaveananthemtosingorajourneytobraveoranalbumtodrop.

Shesimplylingersandshiversinchlorineandwaitsforthechancetotoweloff.

ThatswhyIcalledDr.Shore.

IfoundDr.ShoreonGrouponnexttoanadfordiscountturtles.Helookedreal

handsome,likehehadjustbuiltaleathersectionalorstarredinaTVdramaaboutWorldWar

II.Hecrossedhisarmsandsmiledandguaranteedthatallconsultationswereabsolutelyfree.

HespecializedinlasersandPsoriasisandotherthingsthatdidntevenfitintothebulleted

list.Iwonderedifhedeverdealtwithanybodyunexceptional.

Whenthereceptionistaskedmetodescribemyissue,therewasalongsilenceasI

triedtofindtherightphrase.

Itsascar,Isaid.AndIwanthimtoputalaseronitorsomethingtothateffect.

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 Yeswonderful,shesaid.Shesoundedlikeshewasmadeofaloeveraandrainbow

sherbet.ScartissueisDr.Shoresspecialty.Wonderful.Dr.Shoreiswonderful.Youwont

evenrememberwheretheproblemareawas.Itswonderful.

Wonderful,Isaid.

Thereceptionistwentonabouthowwonderfulmychoiceinappointmentwasand

wheretoparkandwhentoparkthere,asIimaginedwhatmynewlifemightlooklike.Id

probablywearallwhiteandbepureandspinaroundinaCaliforniavineyardliketheydoin

tamponcommercials.Myscarwouldbegone,butshewouldbefreefromsocialanxiety

andthingsinthelike.Iprobablywouldntremembertheyearsshestuckitout.Iwouldnt

rememberthewaterslideortheLycraonepiece.Iwouldntremembertheteenagemedicor

thesweatyicepack.Noneofit.Nottheridehome,notthegamewherewecountedhighway

BurgerKings.Notmycity,mystreet,myhouse,orthedriveway.Notthealmostgoodbyeor

thechildlockorMrs.McDermottshesitationstutter.NotthegentlesuggestionthatIcould

bebetter,thatIdbesuchaprettygirlwithoutallthatcreamsoda.Nottheoffertohelporthe

consolationkneerub.NotthefirsttimeIfeltlikeImightnotbeworthit,aloneinmyroom,

infrontofthemirror.Notmyfirstsuckitinoradolescenthungerstrike.Noneofit.Not

daily,notever.Thereceptionistwasright.Itwaswonderful.

ThewaitingroomofDr.Shoresofficewasmanythings,butitwasnotwonderful.

SterilizedchairslinedtherectangleboxandBonJovicriedaboutsomethingonlocalFM.

Theroomsmelledlikemicrowavelasagna,butonlyonaccident,andamanwithgauze

wrappedaroundhisfacereadanoldSportsIllustratedswimsuitedition.Itookaseatacross

thewaitingroomandhopedthattherewasalaserthatcoulderasethatmemory,too,the

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lasagnabikinihybridone.Dr.ShoresGrouponpicturewaspostedonabulletinboardincase

anyoneforgotwheretheywere,andIlistenedtothereceptionisttakecallsfrompeoplewhoI

usedtobe.

Wonderfulshesaid,somanytimesIlostcount,butwhenIwatchedhersayitlivein

person,Icouldnthelpbutbelievethatshebelievedit.Shesmiledtoherselfandnoddedtoan

audienceofnoone,herponytailmovingbackandforthonthebackofherneck.Shedidit

withanothercallerandthen,whenthetimecame,shetoldthemanwiththegauzethathe

couldgoonback,hon.Sheevenstoodandcameouttothewaitingroominperson.Goon

back,hon.Shedressedinallyellowandtouchedthemansarmashecrossedbackandshe

smiledatmelikeshewasinonsomesortofsurprise.Iwonderedwhatothermiraclesshe

hadseeninhertimeasreceptionist.Maybeanelephantmanwhowentontomodel.Abasil

cellhasbeenbackonthebeach.Iwonderedifshedeverdealtwithascarfromtheinside

out.

Whenthemanwiththegauzereappeared,hehadevenmoregauze.Heevenhelda

rollofgauzemaybeeventwoandIfeltmyscartryingtofindareasontojustgohomeor

callmom,stillshiveringandadjustingthebottomofhersuit.Thereceptionisttoldtheman

withthegauzetojuststickwithitwithwhateveritwas.Henoddedasbestashecouldand

leftasthereceptionistcalledmyname.ShesaiditwithsuchexcitementthatIlookedaround

thewaitingroomtomakesurethatwemyscarandIwereinfact,theonlyMarina.The

receptionistrubbedmyhandanddidntevencommentonmyexcessivesweatanditwasan

exceptionalkindnessthatIhadneverexperiencedinanymedicaloffice.Iwonderedif

someonecalledaheadandtoldherthatIwasthatgirlwhocouldhavebeenpretty.Maybe

somebodycalledGrouponandthatshowtheadpoppedup.

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 Thereceptionisthandedmeofftoanursewhosaidmynameinthesamewayagain.

Shetouchedmyelbowandledmedownalittlelefthandhallway.Shelookedlikeshewas

14or15,butshedidntseemtohaveanyscars,soitmadesensethatshewouldhavean

exceptionallifeifthatwasthecase.SheaskedifIhadseenthestoryaboutthesnowcoming

backbecausethatsChicagoforyaaswewalkeddownanaisleofallwhitewalls,doors,

tile,lights.Allwhite,decoratedwithhalfadozenbrassdoorknobs.Ifeltdirtyjustbeing

somewheresoexceptionallycleanuntilwepassedanopendoorwhereadoctoratethe

lasagnaIthoughtIdfinallyforgotten.ThenursestoppedtosayhelloandIheardamuffled

Wonderfulfromtwodoorsdown.Itsoundedlikeleathersectional,likeWorldWarII,like

bulletedlist.Thenurselaughedatajokeaboutsnoworlasagnaormaybeevenbothasshe

tookmyelbowagainandcrossedthehall.Sheknockedandsaidmyname,andopenedthe

officedoorwithoutresponse.Sheleftmetheretomedotherest.

WhenIstuckmyheadinside,Dr.Shorewasonacellphoneandplayedcharadesto

tellmetohaveaseatandwelcomeandanywhereontheexamtable.Heturnedawaytotake

anoteprobablyfromthepresidentorwhoeverchecksinonexceptionallygoodlooking

peopleandItookaseatonthesheetofpaper.Dr.Shoresexamroomwasalsoaspotless

white,exceptforastringofframedphotographsthatlinedthecornersink.Oneofthemwas

justaphotoofDr.Shoresittingonalawnchairwithadogmostlikelytoremindpatients

thatevendogsthoughtDr.Shorewaswonderful.Inalltheothers,Dr.Shoreposedwith

peopleinfrontofthewaitingroombulletinboard.Onemanpointedtoacommemorative

bandage.IwonderedwhatIwouldpointtoinmyphotograph.Idpointtomyeyebrow,

initially,butthenImightpointtomyheartormyheadwhicheveronedidnthavetowork

sohardanymore.

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 Dr.Shorefinishedhisphonecallandshookmyhandandsaidmynameafewmore

times.Heputhisglovesonasheaskedmeaboutthesnowstory,andwhenItoldhimI

hadntheardit,Irealizeditdidntreallymatter.Hehadalreadystartedsomesortofritual

wherehecasedtheentirelandscapeofmyface,porebypore,tiltingmyheadupbefore

finallysettlingonthetissueabovemybrow.Herolledbacktohissinkandreadaclipboard

asheaskedmetodosimplemath.

Howlongagowastheincident?Ittookmeamomenttofigureoutwhichonehe

meant,theinternalortheexternalone.Hesatinhischairandrolledbacktowardsmeand

massagedthescarwiththepadsofhisthumbs.

15years,Isaid.Itwasabout15yearsago.Summertime.

Thatsalongtime.Ididntarguewithhim.

Iknow,Isaid.IthinkIthoughtitwouldfadeawayorsomething.Likeitwould

totallydisappearasIgotolder.Dr.Shorenoddedandcutmeoff.

Thatswhateverybodythinks,butyougottaputthetimein,hesaid.Yougottaput

thetimein.Bodycantfixwhatitdoesntknowisbroken.Dr.ShoreaskedmewhyIdidnt

getstitcheswhentheincidentoccurred.ItriedtoexplaintohimthattheteenagemedicsaidI

shouldntbotherbecausepoolchlorinesterilizesprettymucheverythingandshit.

Wonderful,Dr.Shoresaid.HesaiditinawayIhadntheardallday.Herolled

backtowardsthecounterandIwonderedhowlongitwouldtakeforthelasertoheatup.

Maybeitwasntevenalaser,butsomekindofvacuumorchainsaworfelttippenbecause

thefuturehappenedandanythingwaspossible.Theactualprocedureprobablywouldnteven

hurt,whichwouldbeanicebreakaftersomanyyearsofinternalsting.NomoreMrs.

McDermottinthebackofmymindeverytimeIateasliceofpizza.Nomore5 thgrade

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flashbacksoffeelinglikeafailure.Nomoregrowingupandgrowingoutandgettingoffon

givingintosomelonglineofbebetter,looksmalleraspirations.Cleanslate.Newlife.Burn,

beginagain,perfection.

Dr.Shorestoodupandtossedhisglovesoffbeforerollingbackoverwithhis

clipboard.

Heresthething,hesaid.Atthispoint,thetissuehasnormalizedaroundthescar,

soitsall,essentially,whereitssupposedtobe.Anyfurtherdisruptionwouldmostlikely

createmoredamagebecausethetissuehasnormalized.Doesthatmakesense?The

normalizing?Itooktoolongtoanswer,soDr.Shorewentonaboutskinrecession,asI

imaginedmyscarspendingtherestofeternityinherbathingsuit,hidinginoversizedtshirts

andbackrowphotosuntilDr.Shoretouchedmyelbowagain.

Youvenormalized,hesaid.Doesthatmakesense?

Itriedhardnottocryandpretendedtolistenashewentonaboutsomethingalotless

appealingthanamagiclaser.Ithoughtabouttheincident,theinternalone,theimportantone,

theonethatreallyhurt.Ithoughtaboutthefirstfewdays,weeks,months,yearsoffeeling

worthless.Ithoughtaboutthrowingawaymybirthdaycakeduringmymiddleschoolcrash

dietandthenightlyprayerthatIcould,too,somedayfitintoanAbercrombiehoodie.I

thoughtaboutallthetimeIhadspentbracingmyselffordisappointmentbecauseImight

neverbekissable,orcoolenough,orenoughenough,andthatwouldhavetobeokayandI

thoughtaboutwhenitactuallystartedtobeokaytobesomethingsortofunexceptional,or

exceptionallydifferent.BirthdaysgotbetterandlifegotlighterandAbercrombiegotsmaller

butthatwasokay,too.Sometimespeopleactuallykissedme,andthatwasveryokay.I

thoughtaboutallthelifeIlearnedtolive,andallthepeoplethatwerentMcDermotts,andall

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thetimesIdidntcryjustbecauseIcouldntfitintoasize10.Thereweresomanymoreof

thosemomentsthanIdeverrealizedbefore.Therewassomuchgettingbytocelebrate.The

stingstartedtosubside.Theonepieceswimsuitshiveringslowed.WhoeverIwas,Iwas

worthitbynow.

Normalization,Isaid.Yes.IthinkIgetit.

Dr.Shorewrappedupourvisit,butnotbeforegivingmeaprescriptionforacne

medication,becausethatsjusthowkinddoctorsare.Heaskedmetoclosethedooronmy

wayout,andIwalkedmyselfdownthelittlewhitehallway.Thewaitingroomstillsmelled

likelasagna.SomebodyelseflippedthroughtheSportsIllustrated.WhenIreachedthedoor,

thereceptionistsaidmynameagainandstoodup.

ShouldIgetyoudownforafollowup?

No,Isaid,Ithinkwecoveredit.Oruncoveredit,orsomething.Shemadeana

okaysignwithherhandandaphonerangbehindher.

Wonderful,shesaid.Youjuststickwithit.

Iwill,Isaid,andwrappedmytowelfromtheinsideout.