1. What elements are you revising for and why?

(Possibilities may include characterization,

setting description, theme development, action, suspense or dialogue).
In my story im looking forward to revising the characterisation, theme, setting, and also details.
This is going to give my story the boost it needs in order to be well written. My story doesnt
need much revising, but the revisions im going to make are going to make the story more well
written.

2. What do you want your reader to infer about your character or plot?
I want the reader to infer about the character and plot in a way where they understand what the
story is about and how the life of the boy is.

3. Check all the things below that you feel you have ALREADY accomplished in your story
AND HIGHLIGHT A PLACE IN THE TEXT WHERE YOU DO EACH OF THESE.
__x__Plot contributes to main idea or lesson.

. __x__Dialogue reveals character motivations, flaws and struggles

__x__Dialogue or detail establishes characterization
__x__Detail/plot contributes to meaning/lesson of story
__x__Adds complexity to character by showing virtues and flaws
__x__Shows characters relationship to setting
__x__Purposeful description of setting
__x__Uses well-developed word choice

4. Copy and paste original document twice into revision document. You will leave the original
alone and revise/change/edit the second one. When you submit the assignment, you will have
the original and final revised piece together in one document.
Original:
It was June 18, 1995 a hot sweaty summer day. This is when I was born. Not born a
legend but born a normal child wanting to achieve their dreams. I am 9 years old now and
starting to write a story about my whole life line. If you havent noticed you are reading my story
right now. Anyways lets jump into the action, my 9th birthday.
Your 9 years old son! I love you soooooo much. I hope you do big things in your life
and my make me proud. Well, your friends will be here in 5 hours so lets get the house and
ourselves ready for your party.
I love you too mother. Thanks for everything you have done for me.
No worries son, we will be fine and God will watch over us as we go upon our days on
Earth.
Why are you always so calm?
I just control myself very well. If you want I can teach you how to do so.
I would like that, but I need to get in the shower and clean myself for the day.
Yes, I understand Ill be in my room getting dressed as well.
I went to my room to a disappointment of my older brother, Jamaal Johnson. At my
entrance he was in my room breaking in through the window because he was kicked out by my
mother. He was 15 years old when my mother kicked him out. It all started because he kept
disobeying my mom and her rules, so this resulted in her telling him to move in with his father
(we dont have the same dad). It wasnt like he was being treated differently than me and my
sister. He was treated the same but he didnt follow the rules. My mom gave him multiple
chances. So many I couldnt count on my fingers. This is how it all went down that day. Jamaal
came home from school with 6 friends tagging along with him. He had 6 friends with him!
Thats a lot of people coming into a 2 bedroom apartment, 698 square feet. It was a small home
but compared to the community it was average. He went to a school that was a 5 minute walk
from home located in Chicago, Illinois. The school he attended was Skyridge Pre - 8. This school
was the worst of the worst. The children ran around like hooligans. Fights daily, needs a upgrade.
The school is like a old house that hasnt been remodeled since it was built. Jamaal was in the
8th grade he had been held back twice all because he is always fighting with other children and
taking their lunches. He so claims hes a savage and if anyone messes with his hell get his gang
to drill (its another term for kill someone). Him and his friends were dangerous. Once he pulled
a gun on my mom, Joeann Johnson. These were his words, Dont tell me to take out the trash
ever again! It was a scary moment in time. Ever since that day Joeann has been waiting to
remove him from the house.
He was a bad kid, father in jail for life all because he killed his babymom. I can see my
brother isnt the brightest kid but he has potential to do better and not follow the path his father
took. The last thing Id like to see is my brother in jail for life. Life is short but still long if you
count the seconds that go by. He my older brother not younger, older brother hes the one who
should show me how to be a man. The way things are looking he isnt showing me anything that
is good for me and my future. I have a life and a mother to take care of when Im older. Life isnt
a joke in Chicago. There are roughly 12 deaths on average a month. People walk up and down
the streets wondering if this is going to be their last day on Earth. Gangs on every street,
recruiting young ones. Luckily Im not one of those people who has been chosen by them, but
the one who wouldnt fall into their peer pressure. My brother was good at this but he was a good
at being bossed around by his big homie, someone who tells ones who have a lower role in the
gang what to do. This role was the highest of the gang, it took some people years to get there or
even killing multiple people. It wasnt just telling people what to do it was much more than that.
It was like being the owner of a business. The lower roles were like minions of the big homie
which they just do as he directs them to do. This is like a dictatorship which isnt always good,
but also not always bad. Its nothing to play around with thats why I decide not to join a gang
and continue to get good grades, making my mother proud, which is something my brother cant
say.
I finally began to control myself. I stated to my brother, Why are you here?
I cant come see my little brother god. Wonder what has gotten into you. Im your
brother, in fact your big brother and you treat me this way. Shake my head we supposed to be
close, Jamaal replied.
 You brought 6 other people with you is the problem and its my bedroom window. I
wouldnt had minded if it was only you but its 6 extra people that I sure dont know so they can
leave my house and room now! I told him in a strong stirn voice.
You being real bold right now. You must not know who I am and who the people are that
are with me. You might wanna watch what comes out your mouth. I dont want to have to hurt
you or have one of my little homies hurt you either. It wouldnt be fair me who is 15 to fight you
who is 8 well 9 today is your birthday. You're my little brother I can basically can hurt you if I
want to, but I mean Im not trying to be the way I was before. Anyways move out my way I need
to talk to mom.
Mom isnt home she left to the store to get my cake and other things for my party.
Well, Ill be in her room chilling if you need me Ill wait for her to get back. Oh yeah
also, I like how I wasnt invited to your party little brother.
I didnt invite you cause you are not on good terms with my mother and also always
threatening me and my family in our own household. Thats not respectful and you need to leave
my house before my mother gets home or else Ill get you out myself.
Haahahahahaha! Child oh child, you cant do anything to me and sure cant when Im
with my gang. Even if you try we will jump you and what would you do? Exactly nothing you
like an ant compared to us.
Ill grab these knifes and throw them at you. In the mean I can call the cops and they
will ensure that you are put away for trespassing and threatening to take away my moms life.
Throw knifes? Come on now I taught you better than that. Call the police? You know
not to snitch cause your life would then for sure be over no questions asked.
It never had to be like this if you werent a follower. You joined a gang cause your
friends did. I know who they are too. They are the ones who got you to join the gang. How are
they your little homies? You think you are a king? You dont know what youve put us through.
NOW LEAVE MY HOUSE BEFORE I KILL YOU AND YOUR LITTLE HOMIES!
Ill leave just know we will see you in the streets on you way to school some day.
Im not scared catch me in the streets.
My brother left with his friends but it didnt seem the same as usually does when hes
around..

Revised:
It was June 18, 1995 a hot sweaty summer day. This is when I was born. Not born a
legend but born a normal child wanting to achieve their dreams. I am 9 years old now and
starting to write a story about my whole life line. If you havent noticed you are reading my story
right now. Anyways lets jump into the action, my 9th birthday.
Your 9 years old son! I love you soooooo much. I hope you do big things in your life
and my make me proud. Well, your friends will be here in 5 hours so lets get the house and
ourselves ready for your party.
I love you too mother. Thanks for everything you have done for me.
 No worries son, we will be fine and God will watch over us as we go upon our days on
Earth.
Why are you always so calm?
I just control myself very well. If you want I can teach you how to do so.
I would like that, but I need to get in the shower and clean myself for the day.
Yes, I understand Ill be in my room getting dressed as well.
I went to my room to a disappointment of my older brother, Jamaal Johnson. At my
entrance he was in my room breaking in through the window because he was kicked out by my
mother. He was 15 years old when my mother kicked him out. It all started because he kept
disobeying my mom and her rules, so this resulted in her telling him to move in with his father
(we dont have the same dad). It wasnt like he was being treated differently than me and my
sister. He was treated the same but he didnt follow the rules. My mom gave him multiple
chances. So many I couldnt count on my fingers. This is how it all went down that day. Jamaal
came home from school with 6 friends tagging along with him. He had 6 friends with him!
Thats a lot of people coming into a 2 bedroom apartment, 698 square feet. It was a small home
but compared to the community it was average. He went to a school that was a 5 minute walk
from home located in Chicago, Illinois. The school he attended was Skyridge Pre - 8. This school
was the worst of the worst. The children ran around like hooligans. Fights daily, needs a upgrade.
The school is like a old house that hasnt been remodeled since it was built. Jamaal was in the
8th grade he had been held back twice all because he is always fighting with other children and
taking their lunches. He so claims hes a savage and if anyone messes with his hell get his gang
to drill (its another term for kill someone). Him and his friends were dangerous. Once he pulled
a gun on my mom, Joeann Johnson. These were his words, Dont tell me to take out the trash
ever again! It was a scary moment in time. Ever since that day Joeann has been waiting to
remove him from the house.
He was a bad kid, father in jail for life all because he killed his babymom. I can see my
brother isnt the brightest kid but he has potential to do better and not follow the path his father
took. The last thing Id like to see is my brother in jail for life. Life is short but still long if you
count the seconds that go by. He my older brother not younger, older brother hes the one who
should show me how to be a man. The way things are looking he isnt showing me anything that
is good for me and my future. I have a life and a mother to take care of when Im older. Life isnt
a joke in Chicago. There are roughly 12 deaths on average a month. People walk up and down
the streets wondering if this is going to be their last day on Earth. Gangs on every street,
recruiting young ones. Luckily Im not one of those people who has been chosen by them, but
the one who wouldnt fall into their peer pressure. My brother was good at this but he was a good
at being bossed around by his big homie, someone who tells ones who have a lower role in the
gang what to do. This role was the highest of the gang, it took some people years to get there or
even killing multiple people. It wasnt just telling people what to do it was much more than that.
It was like being the owner of a business. The lower roles were like minions of the big homie
which they just do as he directs them to do. This is like a dictatorship which isnt always good,
but also not always bad. Its nothing to play around with thats why I decide not to join a gang
and continue to get good grades, making my mother proud, which is something my brother cant
say.
I finally began to control myself. I stated to my brother, Why are you here?
I cant come see my little brother god. Wonder what has gotten into you. Im your
brother, in fact your big brother and you treat me this way. Shake my head we supposed to be
close, Jamaal replied.
You brought 6 other people with you is the problem and its my bedroom window. I
wouldnt had minded if it was only you but its 6 extra people that I sure dont know so they can
leave my house and room now! I told him in a strong stirn voice.
You being real bold right now. You must not know who I am and who the people are that
are with me. You might wanna watch what comes out your mouth. I dont want to have to hurt
you or have one of my little homies hurt you either. It wouldnt be fair me who is 15 to fight you
who is 8 well 9 today is your birthday. You're my little brother I can basically can hurt you if I
want to, but I mean Im not trying to be the way I was before. Anyways move out my way I need
to talk to mom.
Mom isnt home she left to the store to get my cake and other things for my party.
Well, Ill be in her room chilling if you need me Ill wait for her to get back. Oh yeah
also, I like how I wasnt invited to your party little brother.
I didnt invite you cause you are not on good terms with my mother and also always
threatening me and my family in our own household. Thats not respectful and you need to leave
my house before my mother gets home or else Ill get you out myself.
Haahahahahaha! Child oh child, you cant do anything to me and sure cant when Im
with my gang. Even if you try we will jump you and what would you do? Exactly nothing you
like an ant compared to us.
Ill grab these knifes and throw them at you. In the mean I can call the cops and they
will ensure that you are put away for trespassing and threatening to take away my moms life.
Throw knifes? Come on now I taught you better than that. Call the police? You know
not to snitch cause your life would then for sure be over no questions asked.
It never had to be like this if you werent a follower. You joined a gang cause your
friends did. I know who they are too. They are the ones who got you to join the gang. How are
they your little homies? You think you are a king? You dont know what youve put us through.
NOW LEAVE MY HOUSE BEFORE I KILL YOU AND YOUR LITTLE HOMIES!
Ill leave just know we will see you in the streets on you way to school some day.
Im not scared catch me in the streets.
My brother left with his friends but it didnt seem the same as usually does when hes
around. When he is around I usually just let him boss me around and not stick up to him. He
treats me poorly but I know he wont hurt unless. He has to or is very angry. When his
blood in raised to the top of the boiler, it can get hectic. Its like setting off all the fireworks
produced yearly, but him going crazy because he cant control his anger. It can get out of hand
sometimes.
Sonnnn!
 Yes, mother?
Why does it smell like that? You better not be smoking.
No, I am not smoking and I havent and never will mother. I promise.
Then why does it smell like this?
Jamaal came in the house.
WHATTT!!!
Yes, you heard me correctly not to be disrespectful or anything. I began to have a sad
look on my face He said he wanted to talk to you about something he wouldnt tell me. I made
sure he left before you got out the shower so you guys wont argue.
Oh I wonder what he wanted.
He said he will see me in the streets because I was sticking up for myself.
That isnt good. We dont know what he is going to do this can go bad.
Well I will be in my room finally having time to get myself dressed.
Okay, dont take long cause we still need to get your cake and some other things to
decorate your party before everyone comes.
Yes, I understand. Also we need better security for our house because Jamaal got into
our house through my wIndow somehow and it was locked.
Okay we can talk about this later we have your birthday party to do today thats what
Im worried about.
I was going to wear the best outfit for a birthday boy. It was the day I could finally wear
this outfit. I have been waiting, soooooo long ugh this is such a relief to my life. Being so anches
to wear this and finally having the chance. Ooooooooo baby, this is truly a triple man. God has
blessed me today, but why me of all the other people are more well trained and respectful than
me. This outfit contained some valuable things. I was going to wear my favorite shoes. The
french blue 12s with my all white Levi jeans. My shoes and jeans alone cost $185 alone. This is
enough to pay one fourth of the monthly rent for this apartment.

5. Make the CONTENT changes that are necessary.

Add in any elements you are missing from the checklist.
Delete unnecessary parts.
Change or edit anything you need to make the piece as best it can be.

6. Edit!
Make sure you have spelled everything correctly.
Check the punctuation for all sentences AND dialogue
Capitalize correct words
Use the best, high level and precise vocabulary you can

Before you read your partners piece, ask them what they want feedback on.
This writer wants feedback on...
Ryan: Theme
Jonathan: Theme

After reading partners piece, look over their independent revision that they completed. Do you
think they were successful in accomplishing what they set out to revise or not? Be specific.

This writer was especially successful with.

Because
Ryan: Almost everything just if he had used more details and better use of working and grammar.
Jonathan: He had the hang of most of it but he lacked somethings but with the use of more
details, grammar and also working he would have all of them.

This writer should still consider.

Because
Ryan: Using better grammar and using more details
Jonathan: Using more details and also using bigger words

Your feedback on the specific thing the writer asked you to look at:
Ryan: - Use repetitive speech bud, can use more large words, use similar words, and grammar.
Jonathan: Repetitive speak bud, sentence starters can be better, use more description, use more
large words, and grammar a bit.

Give the writer an overall score on each of the following. Rate each from 1-5 (1 lowest, 5
highest).
Jonathan
Characterization: 4.5
Plot/action: 4
Theme/message/big idea: 4
Dialogue: 5
Suspense: 5
Vocabulary: 4.5
Mechanics (spelling, punctuation): 5

Ryan
Characterization: 4.5
Plot/action: 4.5
Theme/message/big idea: 4.5
Dialogue: 4.5
Suspense: 5
Vocabulary: 5
Mechanics (spelling, punctuation): 5
Share this document with the writer when you are done. Writers should then all look back to
their pieces one final time and make any last revisions due to peer review.