Kyle and Alvin in: "Giddy up to Gilroy

By
Michael J. Allen
INT. DORM BEDROOM-DAY
KYLE and LORRIE make out in bed. They speak between sloppy
kisses.

LORRIE
You got a condom, right?
Kyle takes out a trojan.
KYLE
Ch-Ching.
They kiss.
LORRIE
Good, Im not ready to have your
abortion.
Kyle stands up.
KYLE
Im deeply offended. I think wed
make a beautiful stillbirth
together. We could keep it in a jar
on the mantel, and after a messy
divorce itll stay with you, and
Ill see it in a public place every
other weekend during state dictated
visitation hours.
LORRIE
Youre such and optomist, Kyle.
Thinking Ill ever get married.
Youre crazy.
KYLE
I mean, our theoretical unborn son
or daughter is going to need some
type of positive male role model in
its life.
LORRIE
And who would that be?
KYLE
Most likely some rebellious
intellectual type with tattoo
sleeves who poaches his political
"ideals" from his reading of the
sparknotes from the work of some
eastern philosopher.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.

LORRIE
(sarcastic)
You got me. My vagina throbs at
even the slightest hint of
pseudo-intellecualism. Now, will
you make love to me please.
Kyle launches himself onto the bed. They make out.
A knock on the door.

LORRIE
Son of a-
KYLE
Who is it?

A voice answers.
ALVIN (O.S.)
Its me, Alvin.
Kyle sighs.

LORRIE
Ask him to go away.
KYLE
Hey Alvin, do you think you could
come back in a couple minutes?
LORRIE
I hope you last longer than a
couple minutes.

ALVIN (O.S.)
No man. The end is nigh. We dont
have a moment to lose.
KYLE
Ok. Ill be right there.
Kyle gets out of bed, and turns to Lorrie.
KYLE
(to Lorrie)
Whatever he says, just go with it.
LORRIE
Who is this guy?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.

KYLE
Hes an old friend.
Kyle points at the ground.
KYLE (CONTD)
A little out of touch with the
here.
Lorrie points to her head.

LORRIE
Is he alright up there?
Kyle shrugs.
KYLE
Ehhh.....
Kyle opens the door. Alvin, a little nerdy kid busts in
wearing camouflage, a thick scarf, military boots, a big
backpack, and a red headband/bandana. Hes ready for war.

ALVIN
Close the door.
KYLE
Whats wrong Alvin?

ALVIN
I said close the door goddammit!
Lorrie looks frazzled.
KYLE
Ok ok.
Kyle closes the door. Alvin gives Kyle a hug as Lorrie
watches.

ALVIN
Im sorry for yelling at you. Its
just been so hard since the
fighting started. Im just glad
youre alive.

KYLE
What fighting Alvin?
Alvin looks stunned.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.

ALVIN
You havent heard?
Alvin puts a hand to his head and takes a few steps away
from Kyle.

KYLE
Heard what Alvin?
Alvin turns to Kyle.

ALVIN
The vampires have risen.
Kyles mouth drops. Lorrie looks confused.
LORRIE
The "vampires"?
Alvin turns to Lorrie.
ALVIN
Oh hey Lorrie. Yeah. Some fool
spoke the dark speech over the
grave of the vampire king and now
they have risen to take their
vengeance on the children of God.
LORRIE
Ohhhh, yeah of course.
Alvin turns to Kyle. He hands him a scarf.
ALVIN
For your neck. I dont want you to
go and get bit on me. Im gonna go
secure the hallway.
Alvin exits the room cautiously.

Lorrie looks shellshocked.

LORRIE
Wow.
Kyle attempts to put on the scarf.

KYLE
Yeah. Hes a character.
Lorrie gets off the bed.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.

LORRIE
Hes like a dozen characters!
KYLE
As soon as we get him through the
scenario hell snap out of it. Then
itll just be me and you again.
As Kyle talks he struggles to put on the scarf right. Lorrie
helps him and gives him a kiss.

INT. HALLWAY-CONTINUOUS
Garlic is placed by a doorway.
Alvin blesses holy water and coats a door handle in it with
a rag.
Alvin stands up on a chair and hangs a crucifix on the wall.
Kyle and Lorrie watch as Alvin steps down from the chair.

KYLE
I thought you were Jewish.
Alvin looks out the window.
ALVIN
The risen dead do not fear the
chosen people.
LORRIE
So whats the plan Alvin?

Alvin pulls out a map of the USA from his backpack. On it is

stick figure drawings of Kyle and Alvin traveling to
California.
ALVIN
Were going to Gilroy!

LORRIE
Where?
ALVIN
Gilroy, California. Garlic capital
of the world.
KYLE
Its genius.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.

ALVIN
I know.
LORRIE
Sorry, Im falling behind again.

Kyle sighs.
KYLE
Vampires cant be around Garlic or
they die.

LORRIE
Like a food allergy?
ALVIN
Pretty much, but less lame.

LORRIE
Ok, got it. How are we gonna get to
Gilroy, Alvin?
Alvin goes to the window and points outside.

ALVIN
Were going to want to avoid major
roadways and gas stations, so were
better off using the power of
pedals.

Alvins red bike waits diligently outside.

ALVIN
It should take us 13 days to arrive
in Gilroy.

Alvin, Kyle, and Lorrie back away from the window.

ALVIN (CONTD)
11 if we dont stop to see the
Grand Canyon.

KYLE
Well, we have to stop to see the
Grand Canyon.
ALVIN
Its why I scheduled it in.
LORRIE
Wait! Theres three of us and one
bike. How are we all gonna get
there?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.

Alvin does the math in his head.

ALVIN
Youre right. My original plan
would have called for Kyle and I to
alternate between pedaling an
riding handlebars.
LORRIE
That sounds adorable.
ALVIN
Unfortunately, due to unforseen
circumstances, one of us will have
to stay behind.

Alvin looks at Lorrie.

KYLE
Cant we just steal another bike?
It is the end of the world after
all.
ALVIN
No, stealings wrong. Ill stay
behind.

Kyle gasps.
KYLE
No.
Alvin drops his head in defeat.

ALVIN
I have to. It was my plan and I
messed it up. Ive put all our
lives in danger. Im sorry.

Lorrie rolls her eyes.

LORRIE
As long as Im not getting left
behind.

Kyle perks up. He looks from Alvin to Lorrie. He backs away

from her slowly.
KYLE
Only a vampire would say something
so cold.
Alvin shoots Lorrie a panicked glance, and backs away.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.

LORRIE
What?

ALVIN
Lorrie, Girlfriend of Kyle, the
charge of vampirism has been layed
upon you. How do you you plead?
LORRIE
Not guilty?
KYLE
Not sounding too reassuring there
Lorrie.

ALVIN
Im sorry Lorrie, but theres only
one way you can prove to us that
youre not a vampire.
Alvin pulls out a chunk of garlic.

ALVIN (CONTD)
You must eat an entire piece of
garlic.
LORRIE
Really?
KYLE
Its the only way.

Lorrie sighs deeply.

LORRIE
Ok Alvin. Toss me the garlic.
Alvin tosses her the garlic. She takes a bite.

Kyle and Alvin watch anxiously.

Lorrie swallows. She laughs triumphantly. But she is stopped
short when she gags.

She runs into the bathroom.

Kyle looks saddened. He glances at Alvin who loads an
imaginary shotgun. Alvin cocks the shotgun.
ALVIN
Im sorry Kyle. It has to be done.
Kyle takes the "shotgun" from Alvin.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.

KYLE
No. Shes my girlfriend. Ill do
it.
Kyle cocks the shotgun again and enters the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM-CONTINUOUS
Kyle enters the bathroom. Imaginary shotgun at the ready.
Lorrie spits garlic cloves into the sink. Kyle drops the
"shotgun" act. He walks to her side.
KYLE
You okay?
Lorrie spits garlic into the sink.

KYLE
That bad, huh?
She shoots him a look. Kyle sighs.

KYLE
Im sorry for calling you a
vampire.
He hugs her.

KYLE
Thanks for playing along, I think
Alvins almost done with this
scenario.

LORRIE
Ill admit, up until the puking, it
was kinda fun.
KYLE
Im glad you enjoyed it.

He picks up his imaginary shotgun.

KYLE
Because now I have to DESTROY you!

He smiles. She smirks.

 10.

EXT. HALLWAY-CONTINUOUS
Alvin sits in silence as the sounds of Kyle and Lorries
life and death struggle emit from the bathroom.

Suddenly the noises stop and Kyle emerges from the bathroom
victorious.
ALVIN
Thank God youre alive!

Kyle rests the imaginary shotgun on his shoulder.

KYLE
You ready for a road trip?
MONTAGE: Kyle and Alvin suit up for the vampire apocalypse.
They wear blankets like capes. They load imaginary weapons.
Alvin shadowboxes. Kyle dons a pair of swim goggles to
shield his eyes. They slow walk toward the camera.

EXT. DORM BUILDING-DAY

A door is kicked open. A suited up Kyle and Alvin creep out,
scanning their surroundings for vampires.
They work their way down the building, keeping close to the
wall.
When they get to the end Alvin peers around the corner.
Alvins red bike still is waiting at the side of the road.

KYLE
Is it safe?
Alvin cocks his gun.
ALVIN
Its probably a trap, but its now
or never.
Kyle turns to Alvin
KYLE
Hey Alvin, since we might die here,
I just wanna say Im sorry we dont
hang out a lot, and if we survive
this we should hang out more often.
Go on adventures and stuff.

Alvin considers this.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.

ALVIN
If we survive? Thats a big IF.
Kyle sighs.
ALVIN (CONTD)
But it sounds like a deal to me.
Shake on it?
They shake hands.

ALVIN
You ready.
Kyle cocks his "guns" affirmatively. But then he looks
startled and turns his head to look behind himself.

KYLE
Did you hear that?
ALVIN
Hear what?

KYLE
Im gonna go check it out.
Kyle shuffles down the side of the building.
ALVIN
Be careful!
Alvin watches Kyle disappear behind the corner.
Alvin holds his breath anxiously.

Kyle comes sprinting back around the corner.

ALVIN
Whats wrong?

Kyle speaks while out of breath.

KYLE
Theres about 20 vampires coming
this way.

ALVIN
We have to go.
Kyles expression grows distant.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.

KYLE
No. I stay. You go. Ill hold them
off.
ALVIN
No, I wont let you.
KYLE
We both knew this is how it would
end. Youre the only one who has
the skills to survive in this
world.
Alvin realizes the truth.
ALVIN
Youre right, I am. Thanks Kyle.

They hug.
KYLE
No problem, buddy.

They break off. Alvin pulls out rosary beads.

ALVIN
Take my rosary.
KYLE
I cant.
ALVIN
I insist.
Kyle takes the beads.

KYLE
Ok. Now go! Theyre coming!
Alvin runs to the bike.

Kyle turns to face the "vampire horde". He shrugs off his

cape and pulls out his guns.

INT. HALLWAY-CONTINUOUS

A note on a table reads "to Lorrie".

Lorrie exits the bathroom, sees the note, and picks it up.
Lorrie reads the note.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.

ALVIN (V.O.)
Dear Lorrie, if you are still alive
the you are not a vampire.
Congratulations!

EXT. DORM BUILDING-CONTINUOUS

Kyle shoots at vampires. "Vampires" screech out death wails.
ALVIN (V.O)
Kyle is my friend. S.cratch that,
best friend. And Im really happy
that hes with a cool girl like
you. Theres not many people I know
who would eat that much garlic in
one bite.

Alvin gets on the bike and starts pedaling.

ALVIN (V.O.)
Look after Kyle for me. Sincerely,
your new friend, Alvin.

Alvin pedals away.

Kyle runs out of ammo. He throws his imaginary guns down. He
watches Alvin ride away, then enters the building.

INT. HALLWAY-MOMENTS LATER

Lorrie sits in a chair looking sad. Kyle comes up from
behind and gives her a hug and a kiss.

KYLE
Thanks again for playing along.
Youre the coolest girlfriend ever.
LORRIE
Thanks. Alvin seems like a good
friend. Im sorry hes gone.
KYLE
Gone? What do you mean?

LORRIE
Hes going all the way to
California, you probably wont see
each other for a while.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 14.

KYLE
Hes not going anywhere. Hell
probably just ride home and come up
with a new adventure. He does stuff
like this all the time.

Kyle kisses Lorrie and walks away. Lorrie is left looking

dumbfounded.
The End.