Running head: PFSM IN NRSNG 1

Professionalism in Nursing

Personal Statement Teacher Comment Draft

Taylor Majoria

Louisiana State University

Audience

This personal statement was prepared as a draft for English 2001, taught by Professor Jean Coco.
This draft needs further revision before submitting for admission to the LSUHSC school of
Nursing in New Orleans.
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Professionalism in Nursing

Personal Statement Teacher Comment Draft

Preface
I chose to submit my third personal statement draft because it seemed to have more
potential than my previous two drafts. My first two drafts were only one or two weakly-
developed paragraphs each, while the third had the structure and potential for stronger and more
developed paragraphs. Originally, this draft was incomplete after the thirty-minute timed
window. After the draft was peer reviewed, I tried to improve the focus by constantly asking
myself what the purpose of the personal statement was while revising. I also tried to improve the
development of this draft by including personal experiences to support my statements. I did not
question any of the revisions or peer review comments; in fact, I completely agreed with them.
After listening to my voice recording of my personal statement, I noticed some grammatical
errors (subject/verb agreement, repetitiveness, etc.) that I did not notice just by looking over my
draft. There is still much room for improvement; therefore, I do still have some concerns with
my personal statement. One of my concerns would be about the development of the draft.
Although I have included personal experiences in each paragraph, I feel as if there is a better way
to support my statements while also keeping the reader engaged. Another concern I have for my
draft is about the organization of the paragraphs. The paragraphs could flow together more
seamlessly. And my final concern with this draft is the focus. Although I feel like I have
improved my focus of the essay overall, I am not sure if it is as effective as it can be.

I found the comments on how to develop my experiences to be helpful because I was not
completely sure on how to better develop my paragraphs. I also found the comment on
organization helpful to string the paragraphs together using the main idea of the paper. I did not
find any of the comments to be confusing. I also did not question any of the revisions; I believe
all were necessary.

Professionalism in Nursing

1. A nurse possesses certain professional qualities that aid in the successful functioning of

their workplace. These professional qualities include being an effective team member, being a

strong leader, and being a caring individual. Some of my personal experiences lead me to believe

that I have some of the qualities that it takes to be a good nurse. Experiences from joining my

high schools marching band, becoming a member of the National Honor Society, and becoming

a summer camp counselor have helped me to realize these qualities. These experiences in my life
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have made me believe that I have acquired some of the professional qualities that it takes to be a

successful nurse.

2. Just as gears of a precise machine must work together, so too nurses of an effective

health care team must work together. As a member of a high school marching band in New

Orleans, it was just as important to remain unified. Every week after Christmas break leading up

to Mardi Gras, I had marching band practice after school. I played the cymbals and my friends

played the drums and other percussion instruments. When a member or two could not make the

after-school practices, you could really hear a difference in the sound of our performance. Each

player and instrument plays a special role in how the entire band sounds. In the absence of just

one single player and instrument, the entire band sounds off. It is the responsibility for every

player to show up and participate in the performance so that the whole band sounds great. The

same goes for a nurse; each plays an important role in how the whole medical teams

performance goes. It is the nurses responsibility to be dependable and accountable in his or her

duties so that everything goes as practiced.

3. When referring to the success of a health care team or a student organization, strong

leadership and effective team work go hand-in-hand. As a member of my high schools chapter

of the National Honor Society, I was involved in the important decision makings of the programs

at our school. Throughout my time as an NHS member, my fellow members and I held many

meetings in which we have had to make sound decisions about things that affect the rest of the

school and others lives. An example of an NHS decision that affected our school was the

implementation of a tutoring program during free periods, like lunch and study hall, to guide

students who needed the extra help with their classes. Members of NHS would tutor students

during their free time. An example of an NHS decision that affected peoples lives was the
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involvement in purchasing Christmas presents for families with AIDs. As a team, the members of

NHS had to choose items that would best fit each persons needs. By working together and

making important decisions, members of the NHS and I led efforts to better the lives of those in

our community.

4. Within any medical setting, being kind and courteous to whom you are addressing is an

important quality of a successful nurse. As a camp counselor, it was essential to be as nice to the

campers and other counselors as possible. The best example I could give of this is when

Jonathan, a camper at Oakdale Summer Camp, sat on a bench by himself while the other

campers were off chasing each other and playing board games. Jonathan seemed anxious from

being away from his parents, so I walked over to introduce myself and other friendly campers to

him to try to ease his anxiety. Slowly but surely, Jonathan opened up and soon found out how

much he had in common with the kids I introduced to him. After talking about their favorite TV

shows and videogames, Jonathan and his new friends joined the rest of the campers in games of

basketball and tag. Being kind to Jonathan vastly improved his mood and he went on to make

many friends at camp. A little kindness and consideration goes a long way; something successful

nurses are aware of.

5. Through my experiences as a marching band player, a National Honor Society

member, and a summer camp counselor, I have found that unity, making important decisions, and

being courteous are the qualities that are important for success in any profession, especially

nursing. By acquiring these traits of a successful nurse, I feel inspired and adequately prepared to

pursue a degree in nursing.