Inner Leadership

Our Target Group

Who are you?

When you are really interested in Inner Leadership you really want to
change something in your life. Making changes means making efforts. You
are willing to make these efforts because you see it as an investment in
yourself and your future. That means not only easing your pain, but really
want to change behaviour and patterns by making decisions, taking action
and showing your responsibility.

With this pro-activity you want to contribute to your surroundings and the
larger community. This purpose is not to your own glory; you want to
contribute to the people around you because you want to make a
differences and you see things can improve in your community. You
inspiration can inspire the people around you.

Everyone is welcome to join us and make improvements in our Inner

Leadership. Join us in our trip through some aspects of Inner Leadership
which are worth it to be shared.
Introduction

These days it seems that many persons are willing to pay a lot of money to
experience an event which have a deep impact. An event to experience
real fun, to express deep feelings and pain, to have deep connections with
others. In daily life we seems to find a lack of this profound connection.
Our partner doesnt want to know about this, he or she is too busy or just
scared for these deeps feelings and connection. Our parents still patronize
us instead of appreciate our own identity. Our children are reproching us
for what we did to them when they were still small. Sharing emotions with
colleagues seems very risky, because in the strong competition who can
we really trust? How professional is showing feelings at work? So were can
we go with our feelings?

Many persons among us seem to be desparate for an experience where

they can explore themselves or even can be really themselves for a while.
In our society we seem to be more and more numb for incentives and
impulses. By a higher competiton it seems to be necessarily to hide
ourselves behind a mask. Not only at our work, but also in our family and
even in our love relationship. Many of us consider or wish the love
relationship as the most precious and most vulnerable, so also the safest.
But reality shows a different face.
Can we indivdiually continue like this on the long-term of decades? How
much vulnerability are we willing and able to show? We need it so much.
We spend so much money to feel during all these trainings and
workshops? Why is it so difficult for us to handle (deep) emotions in our
daily life with the (beloved) persons around us, and at the same time
every evening millions of us watches emo-television programs?

But its not only about our personal life on an individual level. Theres
more. We can conclude theres a lack of (an open and vulnerable attitude
towards) emotions, kindness and empathy or lets call it in one word:
commitment. The lack of commitment on an empathic level leads to a
collapsed cohesion in our society. Inner Leadership stands for the opposite.
Leadership in this concept is not about being in charge. Its not about
having the power or being bossy, only because that would give us a
pleasant, an even erotic feeling. Inner Leadership is all about taking our
own part of what is happening around us. Inner Leadership is about filling
gaps that are necessarily to be filled up. Sometimes we observe that they
dont need to be filled up. When we have seen this and we are aware of it,
we analyse it and our decision is: not to fill in these gaps. Thats also Inner
Leadership, because we know why we do it. We take our responsibility
over this decision.
Inner Leadership is in the end about caring. And caring is the opposite of
patronizing! In a natural, pro-active way we inspire others. They feel so
much more comfortable with us that they spontaniously, maybe even
without words, give us space to lead. Thanks to our Inner Leadership.

For Inner Leadership we dont need to be very much there. Everyone can
do it, certainly the more silence even shy persons among us can have a
strong Inner Leadership. Because in the Inner Leadership the invisible
becomes really visible.
Essence of Inner Leadership

In our postmodern society individualism dominates. We are all free! Thats

the main credo, because we are able to do what we want due to all the
choices we have. Everything is possible. Thats one of the best things that
ever happened to us, human beings. But of course being completely free
is also a bittersweet illusion. Because with the unlimited individualism the
empathic commitment dies. Liberated from the group pressure and hidden
in our own world means that we are developing more and more into
personal islands. In daily life those islands can be translated into bitter
loneliness. (We live in the illusion that we dont need anyone thats of
course not true.)
The abstract We are all free means for many of us in practise: Mind
your own business! In other words: commitment is often considered as
meddlesomeness/intruvesiness or moralism. Meddlesomeness and
moralism have a negative connotation in our society. But theres nothing
wrong with commitment.

What does commitment mean?

Looking for clues we came to : With a commitment you are dedicated to a
cause. In this context commitment is connected to devotion, loyalty, long
run, fidelity and bond. A pact, promise and accountability.
At the same time commitment can also be seen as an engagement or
obligation that restricts freedom of action. In this case the connotation of
responsibility, duty, burden and pressure pops up. A good example is :
raising up our own children for whom weve chosen once in our life. But
every parent can confirm that our children sometimes put a pressure on
us, causes stress and tension. Of course our better side doesnt like to
connect the word burden with our lovely children, but we all know better.
Its clear : we have a long-term commitment with them at least for the first
18 years of their lifes. We live this commitment in good and bad times.

We can distinguish two connotations to the word commitment: a

voluntary willingness to give our time and energy to something that we
believe in, or: something that we must do or deal with what takes our
time. And often in our daily life its difficult to distinguish the two
connotations. When we realize that we are pressured by a commitment
which feels like an obligation, the second step in our reflection is that after
all in the beginning weve chosen this commitment voluntary. The
obligation is an outcome of our commitment, but after all we know for
what were doing it. And that make sense to us and motivates us.
(from : http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/commitment)
In other words our commitment is challenging us, it feels like its stricting
us. Or in other words: we want to be more free. You want to leave all
options open, so theres always a way to escape. Everything is possible
after all, isnt it?
But this escaping leads to what? Life is balancing on a long string. What
can help us, is consider life as being on the way but surely with certain
goals. For reaching a goal we need our strenghts, believes and
engegament for not giving in. This engagement can take a lot of our
energy. And we are living in a world wherein things are more and more
easy going. We are getting more and more used to gps-systems, apps on
the mobile telephone and a dishes machine in the house. Our primal
reaction when we discovered these possibilities is: Oh, thats handy! I
also want that. These machines make us less resourcefull, because the
machines are doing the work for us. Growing up with more luxury means
we have to make less efforts for reaching something.
But some thing cant be reached with machines (only). Those things are on
an emotional level of commitment, empathy, deep connection,
engagement, believe, high spirit and enthousiasm even when we have to
go against the stream. Theres nothing wrong with engagement, or doing
something against our will, as long as it serves a higher goal we believe in.

More and more it has to go easy, for what do we really want to fight for
anymore? And making efforts and offers? Some of us, while reading this,
already start sighing, because it sounds like its going to be long and
difficult. And maybe its not going to be fun. It sounds so serious and we
also have to make an effort!?! Experience learn us that a focus and an
effort can lead to a deeper satisfaction what just having fun never reach.
But we have to go through it to be convinced about this.

Empathy
Commitment requires an attention and an effort. Commitment is all about
being there. Being there we can be in many ways, but one thing is for
sure: for really being there we have to be pro-active. Pro-activity doesnt
have to mean that we act in a way that people notice us. Being pro-active
is about estimate our surroundings and the situation, and make the most
appropriate choices for the situation.
An example. Some time ago I had dinner with a friend. After two hours of
talking we started to be involved in the couple beside us. They were on a
first date, but they didnt seem to match that much. Anyway, after a
couple of minutes three persons were very busy to impress each other.
Three egos were taking all the space there was. I had many choices at
that moment. One choice was to infiltrate the space with my own ego and
trying to catch everyones attention. But I choose another option: keeping
silenced, observe the situation and estimate what was needed in this
situation. At that moment, according to my observation it was not needed
to infiltrate the discussion. That was very clear for me, and so I kept
silence. After ten minutes the woman of the couple turned her face to me.
And for more than a half hour I had the time to have a nice chat with her.
In estimate the situation we started with the question: whats needed?
Whats needed to optimise the situation, optimise the outcome for all of
us? What can I contribute to this group that was spontaniously formed? A
group which lasted hardly a half hour, but it was a group. Do I choose for
my own needs or do I try to pay attention to the larger overview?
These reflection in some minutes is a very good example of our Inner
Leadership. Because its caring for each other. And this caring is based on
the commitment we have with our surroundings. This commitment is fed
by empathy. Empathic commitment.

What is empathy?
Empathy is the opposite of sympathy. Sympathy is feeling pity with
someone and someone elses situation. This pityness contains an unequal
relationship. We try to help this person, give advice, but from a superior
position. In a way we approach someone with a mask on, without showing
our real self. There might be a big chance that we pass the real problem
and (maybe without the intention), ignore the problem. Empathy, on the
opposite, means an equal relationship because to understand the situation
of the other person we need to dive into places inside ourself where we
dont want to be. Places where it hurts, place inside ourself where you feel
the pain, old wounds. We dont like to touch them, but to have a real
connection we need to feel these pains to feel other persons pain. The
other person will recognize this and then the real deep connection
happens. This can comfort someone more than we expect. But we have to
make an effort for empathy. Empathy is based on the efforts we (are
willing to) make to connect with the other person.
Example. One day a woman approached me with her story. I never had
seen so much sorrow in one person. During the first consult she was
talking for one and a half hour. It was one monologue: I said literally three
or four words to clarify something. Her story was that her parents always
suppressed her and didnt appreciate her. When she was 15 years old she
let a man enter her life and he was very much encouraging and
empowering her. They married and stayed for 50 years together. He was
diagnosed with cancer and he just passed away. She didnt know what to
do with this lost. This pain went so deep. Maybe I could imagine something
of her pain, but how could I ever understand this?! What could I do as a
counselor? I never lost a woman by death, only by break-ups. But I
decided to listen to her. At that moment I was deeply in love with a
woman. But she was living somewhere else and I could only see her once
in the two weeks. I missed her so much that it hurt. And maybe my
sadness was only ten percent of her sadness. But by going to that current
pain inside me it was easier for me to connect with her and her deep
sorrow. A true equal relationship between the two us started and we made
this journey together for one and a half years. Till I quite this job and
moved to that woman.

This example is an example of real caring, even when we dont exactly

know whats happening or what the outcome will be. We try to follow
someone else. But already this decision to follow someone is a sign of
commitment, its a sign of caring. In this caring one question is essential:
What is needed? What is needed here and now? What is needed in this
situation? What is needed for this group? What is needed for you, for
me? What is needed?

Based on this question What is needed ? we take action. Only we - no

one else! - decide to take action, which action and when.
With firstly making this decision and secondly with taking this action, we
take a responsibility. A responsibility for ourself, for our choice and for who
we are. Hopefully we take a decision were completely convinced about.
Why would we otherwise take this decision? And when were not sure, just
wait a while. Waiting is also a decision that we make, hopefully for the fully
100 percent!

This is the essence of Inner Leadership. The Beatles would say: Think for
yourself. Because I wont be there with you.
Authenticity
Inner Leadership is about personal empowerment and from that point its
about how we deal with other persons. What can we contribute to make
our own personal life more meaningful and from there on our
surroundings. A core element in this Inner Leadership is being authentic.
Authenticity means listening to ourself and behaving according to our own
core, to the person we truly are. This inner-part is natural, and sooner or
later in life all of us feel this. The question is : do we dare to admit this
feeling ? The visible realizing for the outside world is our acting, our
communication which would be direct, honest and transparent.

Lets call authenticity : close to our own core, the person who we really
are. Authenticity means a corrolation between how we feel and the
behaviour according to these feelings. We are congruent with ourself: we
do no when we feel no and we do yes when we feel yes. In other
words we are balanced and we also have the feeling that we have our
focus on our own truth; a truth that we cant avoid because its an intrinsic
part of who we are. Growing authenticy leads to more personal strength:
we show our own maturity instead of putting pressure on people by
insisting our authority only given by our position. That would be inner
emptiness.
Our acting, our communication is direct, honest and transparant. Its
avoiding manipulation. If we want something, we ask for it, instead of
trying to get it by using tricks. Maybe in the beginning this is scaring, but
we have no idea how much more appreciated this will be by our
environment.
Maybe we play naive, but we are not. So, how much of this is always really
possible? Of course it isnt always 100 percent. If we really always do
exactly what we feel, we dont survive, because we cause too much
resistance. Maybe thats why many people already chose in advance for
the comforming way, to safe our skin. This argument cant be
underestimated.
We can find our authenticity by searching, but its hard or even impossible
to change it. Changing our inner core is not possible, its just the way we
are. For anyone of us this is completely different and unique. Thats the
beauty of it - and also the problem when you dealing in groups. Because to
protect ourselves we want to belong to something/someone with similar
values, so we try to erase the differences. But thats not possible, because
in our authenticity we are all different and in this way 100 percent unique.
So what do we do? To adapt and comform we run away from our
authenticity, we run away from who we really are. Adolescense is a well-
known phase in our life when we try to be someone else than we really
are. Even more: this is the stage in life to discover who we are by trying
things out which can match our real self. Some people are raising up by
their parents to behave adapting because its the best way to save the
skin. Maybe they are right, maybe not. But to purify feeling somewhere
deep inside our body pop up sooner of later and resist to our surviving
behaviour. That gives many of us a feeling of restriction and being stucked
or even pain and sorrow. Maybe we are growing up with the attitude of its
a part of life, continue playing the game, but its certainly worth it to pay
attention to your authentic part.

If youd like to split up leadership from the inner part, then you could
say that authenticity would be really a part of the inner side of, our
identity, who we really are. We could call it one of the resources to meet
other people. And of course, to make this inner part visible, we incorporate
it into our behaviour. That bring us to the other part : leadership. But this
concept leadership can be confusing for many among of us, because the
concept of leadership we are all raising up with. Leadership as in Inner
Leadership doesnt mean in the frist place necessarily being a leader over
other persons, but in the first place a leader for ourselves, for our own life.
Thats why it all starts with taking responsibility for your own life. And daily
this means: taking responsibility for your own actions.
For some people this is hard to understand. What do we lead? Mostly a
team, or a project, or a company, or a government We are always
connected with other persons. And so it seems that we are always leading
other persons. Thats the tricky things about Inner Leadership. Because
instinctively, to protect ourselves, we find it necessarily to control our own
lifes and as a barrier also a little bit around our personal lifes. This
around, a certain corridor as we can call, interfers automatically into
other peoples life. Many people see this as a purpose : to protect ourselves
controling the lifes around us. The life of our partner, of our children, of our
colleagues, of our citizens But you can be reassured : they know exactly
what they need to survive, and if they learn this as young as possible 2,
3, 5 years old they also know exactly how to deal with other people.
Everyone is the expert of his/her own life.
So Inner Leadership has nothing to do with being in charge, being bossy,
commands other perons. It all has to do with working together. And
hopefully with a reasonable collaboration the respect appeals and when
there are disagreements people can speak about this open, transparant
and honest. Leadership in Inner Leadership means being truthfull to
ourselves, know what we can do, willing to do this and also show the
people around us that will do this, that they can count on us, as much as
we can take. Thats the real protection to ourselves, or in other words: the
real leadership over our own life. Because after all: we are the expert of
our life and our feelings.
From this point of view a real true authenticity is essential. And when we
are alone is easy to do, but once we are in front of other persons is much
harder. Many of us seems to have a need to proove themselves, because
of yeah, because of what? Do you have a clue?
Authenticity sounds so simple, but for many of us hard to reach. Where
does this difficulty to be authentic come from? Herabove we already
mentioned the element of surviving in a group and to adapt to the rules
of a group. If we deviate theres a risk to be excluded. In a direct way and
in simple words : we feel ashamed if we do something so very authentic.
How many times have we experienced this in our lifes? Thousands of
times! We are aware of this, because someone said something about it,
and unfortunately most of the times we took it negative. We interpreted as
a cynical joke, malicious pleasure, rejection, and we felt pain because we
could not be the real person who we are. It was like someone took off the
oxigen mask, or we felt like a plant that stopped flourishing. And to stop
this, to hunker for the appreciation of someone else we start to adapt to
the codes of a group. Those clothes can be dress code, certain words you
use to distinguish, certain preferences, comment other groups and so on
We are going to be a part of convention. For some among us this is a very
nice save place to life in, for others its a struggle every time they have
to join such a group.
For those among us who struggle theres good news. More authenticy in
our Inner Leadership we can find by searching and live your life conscious.
Even stronger : more authenticity can happen to us. Defeats can serve
you. The last thing we wish other persons are defeats, but this is not
completely true. Defeats are cleaning, defeats can create a catharsis.
Defeats is an humiliation. Defeat can be: losing our job, dont get that
promotion while we are very ambitious, a divorce, a financial
disadvantage, becoming homeless, falling disable, asking for help for a
serious problem Fill in our own defeat. And its even worse if we have
pretended for so long time the opposite. The effects of a defeat touch us
even deeper. Defeats make us falling on the floor, like a little child we fall
on our knees, or even worse: on our mouth, maybe its bleeding, but
certainly it hurts and we cry because of the pain. Cry inside or maybe with
physical tears. Thats what we certainly doesnt want to. So we avoid this
pain by avoiding those defeats.
Maybe its difficult to understand, but defeats also contains good parts. We
can mention three things. Defeats make you humble. When we became
overconfident by success after success after success and those success
were running away with you, a defeat can be a catharsis in the shape of a
sign: how natural were these successes for me? How did I handle with
these successes? Could I cope with them or was it difficult to make
transitions which were consequences of these successes? A defeat makes
you more humble, which is something else than inferior! You can be very
equal to others while you are humble.
Secondly the defeat leads to a deeper sense of empathy. We discover that
we are not the only one who experience this defeat or a similar defeat.
There are so many people like us with this feeling of something went
wrong, we have to pay a price and from that stage on we can continue
building up. But instead of showing sympathy which is a sign from a
superior position to another person who is more vulnerable after a
certain defeat is easier to really feel a pain someone else is suffering from.
When we hear someone else telling about personal defeats were not only
able to imagine what she/he says, no, we really feel because we also
experienced it by ourselves: we understand what that other person is
saying. Its easier for us to stand in someone elses shoes and thats
empathy. Instead of giving advices to another by showing sympathy, in an
empathic state just being there or sharing similar stories we have really
experienced is helping the asking person much more.
In other words: as a result of this empathy a defeat is more deeply and so
really connecting you with someone else. Please, dont go actively
searching for defeats; we are only telling what defeats can bring us.
And with this deeper sense of empathy we also can put the games we are
playing much more in a perspective. By this perspective we are closer to
find out what life is really about. And thats for any single person different,
so you are not going to read on this page what is life about. Its up to us to
find this out for us individually. But instead of playing the came we arrive
closer to our core and we become more authentic. This authenticity is not
a middle finger to other person, but its certainly an attitude that we dont
need the appreciation of other persons as we used to need.
An example of authenticity by a defeat are patience of serious disease,
like cancer. Many of the patiences who survive say that they see life
different. And many things who were so important before their illness is
not that important at all anymore. They move their focus to something and
someone else.

Example:
Some years ago I was participating in a training course. The trainers were
fine, but what they were telling was not completely the same as what the
practise. The real natural leader I didnt find among them (although they
had a lot of experience and were already both 45+), but in the group. This
leader was a woman of 55+, she was a teacher on an university giving
practical courses. Some years before she had lost her husband. I
discovered after three or four days that she was the natural leader (as far
as we needed one). But the beauty of her leadership was that she didnt
behave like a leader. Never she was saying: follow me, come this way,
never she was dominating. She never took too much space, nor too little.
All what she did was being open when necessarily, giving parts of her own
story. All what she did was filling in gaps when the situation was asking for.
All what she did was being herself, completely authentic. On the last day
she did something courageous. She announced that she was not a hugging
type and by experiences she knew that trainings no matter how the
group was developing always ends with a hugging ritual as a way of
saying goodbye. For some people this ritual feels natural, for others it feels
forced. She didnt want to join this moment and wanted to wave goodbye
to us earlier. She was completely accepted in the group, so her message
was easily to accept for us. In her Inner Leadership the invisible becomes
really visible.
Vulnerability and resilience

Inner Leadership grows with more vulnerability in your life. But allowing
yourself being vulnerable requires a lot of courage and confidence. Its a
complicated relationship, but we try to explain it. We have to experience
trust and confidence to feel vulnerable. Only when we feel comfortable
with the situation around us, we can give more of our authenticity. But its
also the other way around: At the same time we need to be vulnerable to
fully experience and feel confidence. This growth happens by experiences.
To make this clear we can think at rejection. How many times have we
been rejected in our life? Was it awful? Yes, it was terrible. No doubt about
it and we can admit this for ourselves. What can we do about this? We can
do a couple of things. One thing is: to change ourselves. For who? To be
more adored by others? We can change by turn to other friends, or
searching for another job wherin we are more appreciated for who we are.
But another option is: we can think its only us, who we have to
appreciate. No one else. And its only ourselves we want to be appreciated
by. No one else. And so we continue. And maybe also the next time it
hurts, but hopefully already a little bit less. And next time again less and
so on. Till the tenth time when it hurts only ten percent of the first time.
Thats exactly how we build our confidence by going vulnerable through
our life. By being more and more vulnerable (or: authentic, as we want) we
experience and feel more confidence. And this growing confidence over
days, weeks, years... we can use to show our real selves, our vulnerability.
Inner Leadership happens by activity. Doing, trying out, reflect about made
decisions and step by step improving. Making decisions is courageous and
makes you vulnerable. Certainly when you are in a responsible position.
But with every decision and every improvement your confidence grows.

What we describe here are different words for something else: resilience.
We grow stronger by building more resilience. Resilience is the flexibility to
react on things coming our way.
Our life is full of inconvenient feelings. Do I what I do in the right way?
What happens if I make that action? When do I make a mistake? Or: what
if I hurt without intention - someone elses feelings by my action? But
thats no reason to stop being (pro-)active. When we continue being pro-
active this ambiguity changes into resilience. This means we are more able
to receive, to accept or even to resist an obstacle. What doesnt kill us,
makes us stronger. Resilience is an important part of growing confidence in
ourself.
More vulnerability and resilience in our life give us more a free feeling.
This is not the same as more freedom. But that doesnt matter, because
after all its about our perception. If we feel more free, thats enough. To
feel more free is an exercise for life. Few among us are blessed with the
feeling that they are completely alone. This is not being alone as in the
meaning of loneliness, but its being alone as in the meaning of being
completely free. The truth is we are born alone and we die alone. Well,
maybe the first part is not true. Probably when we were born we were
immediately taken by the nurse who cared for us and the next moments
by the parents. And they are trying to give us the feeling that we are
beloved. But just before there was the moment of leaving the uterus and
entering the cold and blinded light of the outside world. Its the most scary
moment in our lifes. And we are doing this, going through the small port of
the vagina, all alone. Of course theres help from the nurse and the doctor,
but they dont go with us through our mothers vagina. The same happens
when we die. Probably we are in a hospital bed with people around us who
sincere love us. But even then its them against us. We are dying there in
that bed all alone. They others, partner, children, friends are spectators.
Maybe they support us, but the struggle of dying we do all alone.
What do we want to say with this: we are born alone and we die alone.
And in between theres an interval called life. And also through this
journey we are going alone. If we consider life as a journey alone,
everyone who want to join our life can be welcome. Its a gain and not a
need. Its enriching, its a gift and not a burden. One plus one is two or
maybe even three. Its a positive attitude. We meet someone we like and
with or without words we ask this person to join us. That can be a partner,
a friend, a nice colleague or boss. We rely on ourselves and with this base
we can shape our own life. The opposite is: we always need someone in
our life to responds our needs. When this/these person(s) drop out, its a
very painful gap in our life. Its heartbleading or maybe even depressing.
The perception is more like: one minus one is zero. We feel more
dependent on other persons.
Of course we always depends on others: for a bread, a hug, a clean
pamper, a medicin to cure us, a good play to entertain us And of course
even when we are very free we have a heart that loves other people. So
when somone leaves us (by death, by breaking-up, by an argument) it
can hurt us anyway. But when we feel more free probably our resilience is
better developed and we might be stronger to continue.

This feeling of being free sounds very nice on paper. But we are not that
lucky that we all have been born in a warm, attentive nest with a lot of
positive attachment. Many among us have always felt that we were not
able or not prepared to live our life by completely relying on ourselves.
Indeed, life is not fair, but by saying this we victimize ourselves. We
always have a choice. And one day we all can choose for feeling free and
working on our Inner Leadership. Working on more resilience by making
actions, take responsibility for our actions and caring for the people around
us.

Dont see it too big - its not about your ego! ;-)

Many people will be disappointed when we say : dont see it too big. They
would respond in their enthusiasm: Of course you have it to see big! You
want to change the world, dont you? So you have to conquer the world.
The sky is the limit! But do you really need this? Is it you who wants this or
your ego? For Inner Leadership we dont need our ego. The collapse of
Inner Leadership is when our ego stands between us and the other person.
People easily feel this and its not connecting.
Maybe our ego wants to conquer the world and our ego like the game of
influence masses of persons for whatever reason. But our real core only
needs our surroundings. And of course, when we have a friend on the
other side of the world on Facebook, this friend belongs also to our
surroundings.

So please, lets try to find our Inner Leadership in daily situation with
people who are a part of our life. That can be persons who are already a
part in our life for more than ten years. But that can also be persons who
are a part in our life for only ten seconds, because they are sitting in the
same bus as we do since we get up on this bus ten seconds ago.
Example. A very good example of Inner Leadership are the small gestures
which takes a lot of courage for many of us. We have waited at least with
20 other persons at the bus stop for 15 minutes in the rain. So all of us is
very delighted that the bus approaches. But immediately we see that this
bus seems to be very full. And we look around to these 20 other persons.
So we have to be in front of the line to be sure of a place in the bus. So far
so good, we enter the bus and although all seats have been taken we can
stand in the bus. But we also see two other things which we cannot ignore:
there are still five persons outside in the rain and further up in the
corridor/middle path of the bus there is still place for at least five persons
to stand. Strangely but true, it seems that we are the only person in the
bus who have noticed this. What do we do? In practise its difficult for
many among us to raise up the voice and ask people to step forward to
the back side of the bus. People can be afraid when they are the last
person in the bus that they wont be on time at the door to exit the bus at
the next stop. Or they have to make contact with other persons in the bus
and thats frightening for many people. Showing our Inner Leadership is
caring for people around us: we are safe in the bus, we dont need to
fight for our own situation. But its also seeing that theres enough space
for all of us. Inner Leadership is raise up our voice and ask people to move
to the back. Or maybe we can give the good example and walk to the
back. We show our confidence in asking and connect with others.
This is a very good example of the simplicity of Inner Leadership in our
daily life. This example is only a small gesture, but it can make a giant
difference for many people. Its nothing deep, no coaching, no therapy,
digging in our wound from the past its just a simple gesture in daily life.
Its not to feed our own ego with the attitude of: look at me, what kind of
hero I am! Hopefully when we are not used to it, it can be a victory to
overcome ourself. Congratulations to ourselves when this happen. We
came out of our comfort zone and the panice zone became for us a magic
zone. But see this gift as something for ourself, not for our ego.

A second example of this little gesture is given by Drew Dudley and his
story of the lollipop moment. Summarized he tells in his Ted Talk that in an
university hall he was giving lollipops to persons who were standing in
queue to subscribe. At a certain moment he gave with a smile a small
lollipop to a guy and ask him: why dont you give this lollipop to the lovely
young woman standing in front of you. It was nothing more than a
practical joke in a way. Guess what, a couple of years later the unknown
guy in the queue married the unknown young woman in front of him. In a
funny moment of breaking the ice Drew gave assistance to him with a
simple lollipop. This action doesnt make Drew a hero, he didnt safe the
world, but he changed the world. A very very small part of the world. He
supported love between two persons and probably those two persons
created new life by having children. Lets hope for everyone they meet
that these children growing up to become strong and nice persons who
also spread their best part with people around them. But when this all
started in the queue of the university hall it was not about Drews ego, he
only did it for fun! This is a brilliant example of the simplicity and dailiness
of Inner Leadership.
You find Drews story her: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVCBrkrFrBE
My hero in my youth was John Lennon and that was great. I learned a lot
from him. And there is nothing wrong to have John Lennon as a hero. Or
Barack Obama or Donald Trump or Martin Luther King or the Daila Lama or
Lady Di or another person who stands for positivity according to your own
standards. (If this personal standard meets the standards in your social
reality is another thing.) But please lets not overlook our grandfather, our
cousin, our teacher biology, the greengrocher on the corner People who
are also important in our daily life. Dont overlook their burning light of
inspiration by staring at stars like Nelson Mandela, Winston Chuchill or the
Pope. By many of those stars we would be highly disappointed if we would
know their biography more precisely; most of them are not only altruistic,
of only for their own legend where we arrive at the ego.
No matter if our inspiration comes from a hero like Batman or from our
uncle, one thing is worth it to pay attention to. Maybe these persons
inspires you, like John Lennon inspired me. But of course theres always
difficulty when we start comparing ourself with others, so-called great
spirits from history or from just around the corner. We want to become a
great spirit like them. In this way we are more busy with the process and
even the goal of becoming someone (like them). But becoming someone
or something just happens. Afterwards maybe we can evaluate how we
develop ourself in the previous period. A famous sentence is: Life happens
while youre busy making other plans. This sentence was written by John
Lennon after he stole it from somewhere! ;-) In other words: The only
thing we can do is just being ourself and being there. What is needed
here and now? Not: how will they speak about me on my funeral, how will
history judge about me? Because then you are very busy with your ego
and not with your Inner Leadership.

That brings us to the idea of following. In 2002 I joined a Prince concert.

The late rockstar invited fans from the first lines to dance on stage. A nice
gesture to his die-hard fans. With one person he even had a short chat on
stage. He asked this guy: would you like to be a leader or a follower ? This
guy, in his pure honesty, replied : a follower! Prince was incredibly
suprised and with him thousands of his fans in the concert hall. But the
guy insisted that he was a follower. It seemed that Prince was hoping for
another answer than the guy gave. After all Prince was a leader himself.
As you can read here, this question from Prince always stucked in my mind
and of course I tried to answer this question for myself. It took me several
years to gave myself an answer which satisfied me. Of course in daily life
the two options be a leader or a follower are switching the whole time,
depending on the situation. But while the years passed by I identified with
neither a leader nor a follower. In my reality I feel more like someone who
try to think for himself and makes his own decision based on the impulses
Im open for. (Of course you can consider that I follow these impulses). I
feel on my best when I think for myself as much as possible independent
from the general opinion or social standards (as much as that is possible).
Inner Leadership is not about not to follow. Inner Leadership is also not
about following slavishly. Inner Leadership is about making a decision by
ourself if we want to follow someone else. That can be our partner in a
love relationship when (s)he wants to move for professional reasons, that
can be a group during an afternoon walk in the forest, that can be a
political party with a program they want to realise after the elections.
With Inner Leadership we believe that in the core we only need ourself, our
feelings, our body, our thoughts to come to a decision. That doesnt
mean that we dont inform ourself by searching in libaries, on the web,
chatting with other persons, listening to a song from our favorite singer
to give us the necessary impulses we need. Inner Leadership means that
we are strong enough to make the decisions by ourself. Of course: because
after all we believe that we are naturally creative, resourceful and
complete to design our own life. Our life is our project, from no one else
than us.
Based on this question What is needed? we take action. Only us - no one
else! - decide to take action, which action and when.

Like Michael Jackson would say: Start with the man in the mirror if you
want to change the world. Many gurus wants to influence masses, but
what about their own small surroundings? How is their relationship with
their children, (ex-)wife, their parents.

Four dimensions: heart, mind, body and surroundings

All we do is influenced by four pillars : body, heart, mind and surroundings.

Thats also the dimension for our Inner Leadership.

Heart: what we feel drives us. The decisions we make originally comes out
from our feelings.
We can rationalise as much as we want, but at the end we have to listen to
our feelings. People who have listened to their thoughts for 20, 30 years
finally dont feel good in their lives.
Mind : this is the part many among us uses. And its good to do that,
because otherwise our society would not work. If you wouldnt think twice
before you do something, many more crimes would happen. Mostly the
pattern starts with a feeling, after a while it gets stuck in our mind, we
reflect about it. This is a way of confirmation of our feelings. But mostly we
it sink in again in our feelings. Thats the real confirmation for the decision
we want to make.
Body: maybe our body is the most important thermometer we have for
things that influence us. Its something else than our feelings. Its really
about the awareness of the body and expression the body. Its a totally
different dimension. Many of us lives with their head and the rest of the
body carries the head. But we are so much more! Our body never lies.
When we feel a pain in our leg or in our stomach we know
Surroundings: we are not standing by yourself, all of us is a part of a
community, a family. We have a past with parents, patterns, behaviour
weve learned. We are a part of circumstances and these circumstances
and people around us influence us in our decision making and who we are.
The interaction with our surroundings is essential for our Inner Leadership.

Me in the group / me and the group

We dont live on an island with our Inner Leadership. A big part of our day
we are in contact with other persons. If its not in social media then its in
real life: interact with persons you even can touch and grasp: physical
contact.
For some of us this is difficult to interact with others: we are shy or prefer
to be by ourselves... Many others say to love to be in interaction with other
persons. Our sceptical mind wonders how authentic these words are. It can
be a social wishful statement or it gives us a boost of self appreciation
because we know its social appreciated. Many of us exist by mirroring
with others. It gives us recognition by others. For example many
televisionhosts needs to have ratings, because only then they fully exist.
But nevertheless many persons of us who are in a group are not that social
as we seem to be. It costs us a lot of energy to play the role of social,
chatty person. Its so tirying!
Sometimes we prefer to stay in our comfort zone in the lazy chair in front
of the television. Or before we go to a party, where we dont know that
many persons and we arrive by car, we want to postpone the moment to
finally get out of the car and enter the group. One more cigaret or finishing
this lovely song on the radio and then finally you grasp all your courage to
dive into the group and put on your social mask. Its maybe an innocent
postponing behaviour, but at the same time it says something about the
tensed relationship between us and group we are in.

Certainly being in a group for a couple of days or weeks during an intense

course can be challenging. How do we have to behave? Is it for our
selfesteem more important to be appreciated by others, in other words
behaving as the other persons mirror us, even when it doesnt feel fine. As
a coat that doesnt suit us. Or do we prefer to behave according who we
really are, in other words: authentic. Authenticity is one of the most
difficult things in life and also one of the most desired things. Certainly in
our individual society its a quality to be different and orginal. This
uniqueness is dictated in all the advertisements.
Of course 100 percent authenticity might always be a dream when you are
company. Who is picking the nose when someone is watching? What might
other people think of us?! But that doesnt say that we cant work on our
authenticity when it makes us feel more comfortable. Working on this goal
is working on our Inner Leadership. We use the verb working, because
indeed we have to make an effort for this. Its not about having fun, but
the results of our efforts gives a deeper satisfaction for the rest of our life,
as living our life more fully.

The relationship with the group we are in for only ten minutes or for ten
years -, can become for ourselves more aware by reflecting on two
questions. These two questions focus on how we feel in a group, how we
feel best in a group and how we can approach this appreciated feeling.
These two questions are two sides of the main Inner Leadership-question :
Whats needed ?
The two questions are:
What do I need from the group?
What do I need for the group?
These two questions can lead to some confusion and misunderstanding.
But they are really essential to understand our commitment with each
other :
1. What do I need from the group is mostly clear. Its a direction from
the group to the individual, one member of the group. Because at
the end we all have our identity, theres only one of us, we are all
unique, replacable by no one, and we need the other to take care of
our wishes and needs. So this question includes what the other
members of the group can do for us so we can florish, we can
contribute to the group process. Examples: maybe we are a bit
slowlier than the others, so we need patience from the others or we
need a nap to be more energized. Or we are hungry and we invite
the others to join us to a restaurant or for a snack.
Can the group really respond to our particular need at that
moment ? Mostly its a need to be in our power to show our
commitment to others. Me time - for ten minutes or for ten days -
can also be a part of this needs to commit again with our
surroundings. Taking care for ourselves is caring for the others.

2. The second question What do I need for the group leads to more
confusion. What do we mean with this ? This question focus more on
the entity of the group. Its all about reading, and even more, feeling
the group and which contribution can we give. In the first question
What do I need from the group our own unique identity popped up.
The second question What do I need for the group we identify
ourselves so much with the group that the groups concern
automatically becomes our own concern. Its a high level of
commitment. This is really an important stage if we want to achieve
something together. For a sport team or a military equipe this level
is very important. To sublime above our individual life, we need the
connection with other persons. Preferable a deep connection. In this
stage the egos between us and the others are melting and we are
standing completely open. Its the level of full trust. Of course this
stage takes time to create and to develop. During trainings of a
couple of days we try to establish this level, but it really depends on
the will of the trainees in this group how much we want to connect
with the group. A block happens with a reason but without any
reproach, it just happens because of these unique circumstances.
 There is always the tension between the individual person and the
group. Its a process which leads to uncomfortable feelings, but this
process is a giant example of Inner Leadership, because our
personal Inner Leadership will be tested by the dynamics with other
peoples Inner Leadership.
The question What do I need for the group idealiter leads to the
best circumstances wherein we can experience a deep connection
with the other persons in the group. We are willing to overcome the
differences from the others that is not the same as erase these
difference, because that would mean a ignorance/neglect/denying
from the other persons to create a real, sincere, equal
togetherness. As always: being on the way during this process is
more important than reaching the goal.

To make this theory more clear we can use this small exercise :
Create with six or seven persons a circle. One person stands in the middle.
This person let him-/herself drop and the person will be caught by the
persons in the circle. And even more the person in the middle will be led
around the several persons in the circle and is circling around. This asks a
lot of courage and vulnerability from the person in the middle. But on the
other side it also asks a lot of caring and commitment from the persons in
the circle. Because you are responsible for the person in the middle. The
person will be carefully carried in your hands and hand over to the person
next to you.
The essence of this exercise for the Inner Leadership is not when we carry
the person in the middle in your hands. No, the real Inner Leadership is
when the person is at the other side of the circle, the moment that we are
so called off duty. What do we do at that moment? Staring at the wall,
making jokes, checking your mobile phone? Or do we keep our
concentration on the process because we are a part of this group and our
inner task at that moment is to stay sharp/alert and committed with the
others. We are not passive, but we are very much there with the rest.
Being there. We are fully in our Inner Leadership. Its real commitent.

This caring is not patronizing. Caring is looking around, listening around,

feeling around and experience whats needed. Needed in this room, in this
moment, in this situation. Thats always different. Whats more needed in
this moment: our personal need or the need from someone else, or that
from the group? And whats needed exactly? That doesnt have to be
necessarily an action. Being there can be enough. Interest + concentration
= creativity = magic
Doubts and insecurity

Doubts : we all have a lot of them. And how difficult are they for us to
accept ? Its a pity that insecurity is so much judged in our society. We
dont always have the answer or immediately the reaction that bring us to
the next step. And that is what it is.
Its even more difficult for us to accept a leader with doubts or insecurity.
According to many of us someone who is insecure lacks authority. Thats of
course not true : how many leaders - from actors who leads an audience to
a play during the whole evening or a guide through a museum till
presidents didnt feel ill or had to recharge themselves before leading a
group or even had to speech ? How authentic are leaders? Why do we,
followers, expect so much from them?

There are many different ways of authority. It seems in our society that its
difficult for many of us to accept that our leaders doubt. Why? We want to
be protected (by God, the priest, the trade unions, the media
(information), parents, assurance, security agencies). Certainly in the
21st century we are asking more and more for strong leaders who can lead
us. They are not allowed to show any doubt or insecurity. It will cost a lot
of their popularity and mandate to influence. Always showing themselves
strong: how human is this? Many among us are willing to follow a strong
leader by the promises to solve the problem of our lives. I beg your
pardon?! A trainer, a therapist, a coach, a religious or political leader
doesnt have a mandate to solve our problems. Theres only one person
who has that mandate and thats we as an individual.
I hope you, reading this, doesnt only want to see a leader in front of you
who knows it all and who doesnt feel any insecurity. In the coulisse/side
wing we are scared as hell, but not on stage. On stage we are wearing a
mask of invincibility and authority. But that doesnt mean that we know it
sometimes.
The good news is: our doubts lead to wisdom. Doubts and insecurity are
inevitable to leading to new milestones. So they are inevitable for our
Inner Leadership.

Doubting is not the same as reflecting. Doubting happens to us. If we do a

test - as a nine years old kid or a 55 years old adult and suddenly we
dont know the right answer to an important question. Is it option C or D?
The doubt overcome us like a heavy coat on our shoulders. Maybe when
we were nine years old we started to panic. What now?! Sweat, higher
heartbeat, nervousness Is it option C or D!?!
Reflection happens in a calmer atmosphere and its more directed.
Reflections happens in trainings, in professional surroundings, in bed, in
the mosque or church. Or in ourselves, spontaneously or after a learning
process. Hopefully for us we can modify from the doubting mindset into
the reflection mindset. Reflection can follow doubting. Its a sign of
resilience.
In other words doubting is real Inner Leadership. In our insecurity we are
more conscious of ourselves and the world around us. Doubting is
innovating, standing still for a moment, reflecting about the world around
us, about which way we want to go in our future.
The most gifted persons in their fields of competence are often the most
doubting ones. Sounds logically, because in their insecurity they focus on
every detail of their profession to give the best of themselves. Not
irrelevant: at the same time they have enough courage and confidence to
be able to bring the performance the audience adores.
When we use are doubts in a creative way, we take the control over our
own doubts. We dont let a so-called strong leader make decisions to fill in
our lifes. No, we are going to make the next step by ourselves. This
decision is besides reflection based on another thing: communication. We
better share our doubts and insecurity, so we involve more persons in our
next step. This is a sharing in an equal way. No advices, but the empathic
commitment by listening and responding in an appropriate way. In other
words: a good balance between deciding for yourself and listening to
others. The balance can be found in humbleness and respecting others for
what they are. Not because are their shouting, mocking or threating.
This attitude is also the wishful attitude to work together in a team, a
equal team with collective responsibility and not only one leader and some
followers who only implement.
Passion

Passion can help us to come closer to our Inner Leadership. Passion is

something very vulnerable, it emerges from our identity. It says all about
who we are, thats why it is vulnerable. But passion can also direct us
through our life. It can be the fuel to continue. Passion can help us to come
close to our core, to our Inner Leadership.

What is passion? If we keep it simple: passion is something that we really,

really like to do. Something we are looking forward to the whole day when
we pass our time at school or at work. A passion can be a serie on Netflix,
sudocu, entertain people, saving the world, sex, yoga, commit crimes,
playing Play Station
The next step of a passion is being in your Element. The Element is,
according to Ken Robinson, when an aptitude (something we have a
natural talent for) meets a passion (something that we really really like to
do). In the best case we can develop our passion into a paid job. Thats not
necessarily, but this can help us to give us the privilege that we dont have
the feeling that we have to go to our work everyday. That can make a
huge difference in our life.
As been said: the Element is when aptitude meets passion. There might be
a huge chance that we are good at something that we like to do. And: we
like to do what we are good at. Sometimes the thing we are good at
motivates us and we like to be motivated. Otherwise life is so terribly
boring. Compare it with the courses at school. We like to do history
because we are good at. Most of us hates mathematics, because its too
difficult to do it smoothly. People like to be challenged but not too much. A
small challenge stimulates us to leave the boredom behind and to reach
another level which makes us proud on ourselves. But when its too
difficult, beyond our possibilities, we give up easily. So our passion is
almost automatically something we are good at.

Nevertheless passion is for more people than we think a burden or even a

taboo, something controversial. There are many people who think that
they dont have a passion. They associate passion with something
creative. And very few people consider themselves as creative. Probably
because creativity is linked with brilliant artists like Leonardo da Vinci or
Pablo Picasso. Thats nonsense. Show interest in each other and start an
interesting conversation is also a sign of creativity. Out of two persons
something new appears maybe new insights, maybe a nice time, maybe
confusion it doesnt matter, at least something happens. Maybe passion
has something to do with creativity. But sunbathing can also be a passion.
After all we need a strategy if we want to have nice egal tan, so we need a
certain amount of creativity.
Anyway besides the inferior judgement about our creativity theres a real
shame regarding passion. It seems to be a big word. People can getting
very emotional if they discover, realize or admit that they dont have a
passion. It seems that they consider themselves as someone inferior,
someone who isnt adapted to the standards. There seems to be a
pressure in our society to have a passion. If we dont have a passion, we
are so-called inferior persons. Maybe in peoples mind passion is someting
for special people. Passion is for all of us, if you keep it small and simple.
We all have something that enthusiasts us, it really doest matter what.

The importance of a passion or just call it something we like to do is

linked with being authentic. Something we really like to do is about
believing in ourself and believing in what we do. Believing means that we
are convinced by something no matter if its right or wrong, no matter
what others think about it. We believe in it, its our passion. Its really
about us and our identity. That makes us vulnerable, it brings us out of our
comfort zone. Thats where we need to be, not the whole time, but so now
and then to feel stimulated to continue. Inner Leadership is about this
passion, about going for something and take the responsibility for it.
In a certain way passion is a metaphor for Inner Leadership in itself.
Because in the first step its about knowing ourself, taking action for what
we believe in and carry the responsibility for what we are doing for
ourselves. But we are not living on an island, so what is nicer than to share
our passion with other persons and do something valuable with our
passion. The highest level of being in our Element is: aptitude meets
passion meets sharing your Element with others. That can be anything:
charity, teaching, learning, entertain and try to do this in an equal way.
Thats real Inner Leadership.

Never underestimate the power of our passion. Passion drive us and gives
a direction to our existence. Its important having the feeling that what we
do is meaningful. And its important that we have the feeling regularly that
what we do is just nice. And if we can combine those two things and we
share it with others, its the ultimate expression of our Inner Leadership.
Because in the sharing we take action and take responsibility, because in
the sharing we say in our most vulnerable moment: take this from me, it
comes from the bottom of who I am, its my passion.
Kairos : waiting is the hardest part
Feedback as a part of our Inner Leadership

Giving and receiving feedback is an essential part of Inner Leadership.

What is feedback ? It seems there are thousand different ways of
feedback. What we believe as feedback is: serving the other. So whats
feedback not? Rejection, being critical, project your own frustation to
someone, reproching... Theres no such a thing as negative feedback,
because then its a reproche. Feedback all starts with observing whats
going on, not with the interpretation. Second step is: how to react on
whats going on. Indeed, once again with the question: whats needed in
this situation?
The essence of giving feedback is serving the other person, giving support.
One question to pose is : What can I do for you ?
Example :
Two colleagues have already worked for years. One colleague feel that
someting has changed in the working relationship between the two of
them. What can he do? He can starts with using you: you this, you that
But then he put the responsibility to the other person. Even when its clear
that the other behave heavily different than (s)he used to do, the
colleague can starts with questions like : I notice that the atmosphere or
the interaction between us last time has been changed. How do you see
this ? How do you experience me lately? The other colleague will feel less
attackted because (s)he invited to share her/his impression and feeling.
We can do the same with our teenage children when something is going
on. Instead of reproching we can ask questions.
An often used tactic for a feedback conversation is : one positive point
followed by one negative point and wrapping up with a positive point. So
the critics are hidden in a sandwich between two positive points. But a
smart person can also notice that this conversation is in the beginning all
about the second discussion point, which contains a critic and maybe even
a judgement. The behaviour on which the critic is based is not just
behaviour. This behaviour must contains a source. Sometimes it costs
more time and efforts to discover this source, but with a feedback
conversation you can detect deeper whats really going on. Its up to us
what well going to do with it. But at least from the starting point we avoid
attacks, reproches, and heavily defenses from the other person.

To serve us better we can pay attention to some tools which might help us
in giving and receiving feedback.
 Feedback is always constructive and positive. Otherwise its
reproching. Lets start to observe. Lets try together with our
sparring partner to see whats really going on. And even when we
feel that this relationship cant continue lets try to see how we can
serve the other in the following steps or lets ask the other person
for assistance for what we need.
Share our vulnerability and empathy. Feedback is about the
empathic commitment between two or more persons. In a
vulnerable conversation the chance is bigger that you go to a core.
For empathy we both have to dive to a certain point to really
connect with each other. Thats very valuable to come to a better
understanding.
Please, dont give advice. The other person is the expert over her/his
own life so why do we have to give advice what is good for the other
person? What worked for us and we are delighted about is not
automatically the answer for the challenge of the other person.
Listening levels: Co-Active Coaching distinguish three levels of
listening. First level is very forcussed on ourselves: very useful when
we have to travel alone from A to B. But what can we do with it in an
empathic conversation? Second level is the opposite: we admire the
sparring partner, put this person on a stage and all the focus is on
this person. Can help us in being empathic and in a certain stage of
feedback. Last listening level is the all round level wherein the
observation is essential. Whats going on in the conversation? What
we do hear between the lines? Is the body language according to the
words that are speaking out? Its a holistic approach of listening and
can serve us very well in a feedback conversation.
Powerful questions. Powerful questions are sometimes almost dumb
questions : question we are not going to speak out because they
seems so obvious so why asking them. But because many among us
avoid them they are not often heard and that can mark an enormous
impact. Mostly those questions are open and short, but not always.
Questions like : Whats next ? What do you feel now ? What can I do
for you ? What do you need next ? How can you change this ? How
much do you really need/want it ? How do I know that youll reach
that point ? ...
(For the last two points we were inspired by Co-Active Coaching method.)

Like always in Inner Leadership: it takes two to tango, also in feedback.

Because its not only about giving feedback, its also about the art of
receiving feedback. The person who give feedback can be at the same
time the person who receives. We understand in a professional relationship
or in discussion with our teenage children that a complete equality is not
always possible. Because of the learning and the authority theres a
natural hegemony based on authenticity. But even then the feedback giver
can also be (at the same moment) the person who receives and who feels
gratitude for this conversation.
How can you practise this receiving? Maybe its difficult to imagine, but
lets try to see feedback as a gift. And when we receive a gift we say:
thank you. What we can do when we receive feedback we can only receive
it with thank you. No words or answers, no justification, no defense
Only thank you. Or start this exercise with receiving compliments with
only saying: thank you. No comments, no answers, no judgement. Only
receiving and take it in all over our body and carry the compliment with
us.

Inner Leadership and the relationship between trainers

and trainees

During the process of implementing Inner Leadership in the reality of a

training, the trainees have a lot of space to develop themselves. That also
includes taking responsability for themselves. For many persons this is
really new. They embrace it as a refreshing experience. Others might first
be confused and accept it after a while when they feel growing stronger by
making their own decisions (sometimes for the first time in their life,
because they never learned it before!).

What is our role as a trainer?

Being there. Thats enough.

That means in practise serving a very well developed frame during the
training for the trainees to grow into their new life. This approach gives the
trainees a base from where they can continue and stretch their comfort
zone. The real empowerment does not come from the trainer: it comes
from the potential inside the trainee which was always there. Think about
the impressive, shameless creativity of very young children. Second part
of being there: when a person needs it, we can support with motivation
during a one-to-one-chat (we are also a choach). But the initiatives has to
come from the trainee who has to be fully motivated no one else can
force this.

When participants ask: How can I deal with things in my life? the trainer
is not able to give the golden answer. Like you read under the feedback
paragraph: please, dont give an advice! How could we decide for other
peoples life? The trainer provides the trainees tools so that they can do it
by themselves. There is only one person who knows best and that is the
trainee, but most of the time (s)he does not immediately realise it. The
real learning and empowering is the willingness to fall and get up again.
They leave their comfort zone, go through the panic zone and finally reach
the bright light of the magic zone! The trainer is being there to
accompany them on their journey and fully available for one-to-one chats.
But (s)he is not going to tell what the trainees must do. That is patronizing.

This approach is based on empathy, a real connection between two

persons. Trainers arent gurus who knows everything (better). The biggest
compliment that once happened was: The trainer is rather invisible, and I say
this with a huge respect towards him. He succeeded to guide the training without
pushing himself too much on the foreground. This soulds like real Inner
Leadership!

This paragraph needs a short addition to wrap up.

As a trainer we always emphasis that we learn with the participants. How
equal can we be with the trainees. This is a difficult part, because we dont
know the answer that satisfy us. Nevertheless instead of giving rules we
give guidelines, instead of commands we invite the learners to come to
action. Its their part to be creative and to try to get of it whats in it for
them. Where does the responsibility of the trainer stops and where does
the responsibility of the trainee starts?
For some participants this style is very difficult to accept. It gives a lot of
freedom to them and maybe they expect a strong leader in front of them
who guide them to a very special event. But then we automatically fall
back in the structure of a big leader and the following pupils who learn
from a teacher. Or even worse: a guru kind of leader who fills in for the
participants. That doesnt mean that someone is a strong personality. A
dominant personality doesnt automatically mean a strong personality.
Mostly its the opposite. The strongest personalities people who can bear
a lot, who are able to maintain in times of resistance, who are able to show
real vulnerability even when they take a risk you find mostly among
persons in struggling situation, on the run, in poverty, the unheard
persons. People who know by experiences the less shiny side of life.
A guru kind of leader who fills in for the participants is the opposite of the
whole process of Inner Leadership. When we are open for the ideas of
Inner Leadership we learn a new approach, a more equal approach of a
person who is sharing information, inspiring and stimulating others to
come to action. Thats no false modesty; its a more democratic way of
exchange information and learn. Learn with the final purpose : to come
closer to our inner core and make decisions by ourself and take fully
responsibility for these decisions.

Inner Leadership on macro-scale

Inner Leadership focus in the first place on an independent development.

From there on an individual is able, willing, in other words: ready, to
contribute to the society. Were talking about strong persons on every level
of our daily life who wants to make a differences for themselves and for
the people around them. This attitude is the opposite of feeling and acting
like a victim.
Victimising ourself happens mostly without being aware of it. We feel
down, really down. All we see are boundaries, resistance from insititutions,
rejections in personal or professional lifes. And even the most positive
attitude is a bridge too far. We all know this feeling. Some persons feel it
the last two hours of the day before they fall asleep and next morning they
feel recharged; for others this feeling maintains for months and months
and months
At those moments theres a strong longing that someone else will take it
over from us. This is not strange, we need to recharge. But many persons
among us let direct their own lifes by someone else. Simply because we
can not continue. We really felt letting down by the higher institutions, we
have the feeling that we are disadvantaged the whole time. Even the
government let us down! We lose completely our beliefs in the society. All
what we want and maybe need is protection! Protection from someone
else. Because we cant handle it by ourselves we move into a position
under someone elses protection. That can be our mother, our girlfriend,
the bank accountant, a personal coach, a strong political leader, a spiritual
guru This person can be an inspiration when we meet him or her. But its
something else to let our life lead by such a person. What will be left over
of our own power, confidence, believe, resilience? Some things that
really belongs to us; not coming from someone else, but really our own
skills! We take our own decision and responsibilities in our own life. We
need someone else to build up our life because we are natural creative,
resourceful and complete. Thats the real empowerment.
A big leader who is going to solve our problems, is an illusion. Or in
practise it doesnt work immediately. Or maybe it seems to work for a
while but after a decade, after one generation the succession of this single
person causes huge problems. The final stage is the same as the
beginning point: at the end our distination requests us, single individuals
together, to contribute to a better tomorrow for all of us. We have to do it
together, with initiatives from all of us.
Us is the key to survive in daily life. Our Inner Leadership, which includes
for a big part resilience, needs the commitment from other persons. Thats
why it is so important to keep searching for connection with people with
the same mindset. In our diversity as human individuals its also important
to find compromises to make a next move. This compromise means a huge
sigh for many among of us, because we have a different speed of
developing, different speed of changing, different speed of embracing the
future. That means that people split up and we start living in different
parts with different speeds, different privileges. This process of separation
generates extremism. This extremism excludes many people who cant
follow. For many people this sounds like a complete natural selection, but
we are not talking about nature, we are talking about something we are
very proud on : civilization. And cars and mobile telephones are also
civilization and far from nature and we love it! So why dont we want to
contribute to this empathic commitment based on Inner Leadership?

Example :
An important example of togetherness and commitment on macro scale is
the European Union. We all know its a fragile example of commitment.
And is this European scale not too big for millions of European citizens and
too far from our home ? We could see the Brexit as a sign that many
persons cant follow it anymore. Its not a part of our daily life because
Europe happens somewhere in another abstract, not visible universe.
Even the money, which we have daily in our hands is not enough to gain
the European feeling: being a part of an European family.
How can we grow to this feeling to see the effect in practise?
Its a long process which takes generations and this path is full of
obstacles. Unite the States of America was also a very long process which
had to overcome a giant crisis: a Civil War between 1861-1865. And still
these days a huge differences between the Mindset in New York and
mindset in Texas exists. But all Americans seem to have something in
common: feeling american. Of course we cant deny that theres a huge
differences between the union of Americ and the union of Europe. The
union of America was for a big part the winning of the west in the
nineteenth century, which meant in practise cultivate wild areas in the
west which was hardly inhabited and fight small tribes. In Europe we are
trying to unite different nationalities and cultures which have develop
themselves during many of centuries. And to find a balance between these
deep and rich cultures and at the same time an European identity is
indeed a challenging process.

Its a difficult development which takes generations. But its a process

which is worth it to follow, because its developing our Inner Leadership.
Every person from 18 years wed like to encourage two things. First: live at
least one or two years alone before we are going to settle ourselves with
someone else. Living alone we get to know ourselves and our preferences
much better. We take responsibility for our own life and probably behave
also more mature in negotiations and arguments with our partner (which
happens anyway). Secondly we encourage every person to live for at least
a couple of months abroad. Because only abroad - and even the neighbour
country can be already a challenge we automatically put ourselves and
our own culture in a perspective. In other words we learn to stand in
someone elses shoes and thats another expression for empathy. So
living in another country, in another culture stimulate the empathy, even
when we have the feeling that live in a hell we only want to go home. At
least you deeply realize that there is something else than home, because
you have experienced it!
This is the main reason why the European project is so important to invest
in, because we are investing in our Inner Leadership. Its a practise
learning process to develop commitment, empathy and togetherness. And
this process can only succeed when you get in touch with this project from
a young age. Thats why it is so important to send youngsters from 15, 16
years old in an exchange with other young persons from other parts of
Europe to learn with and from them. In particular the young persons who
have difficulties to put their own culture into perspective, because we all
know nothing is black or white.