A Look Inside the Mailbox of Dick Cheney

By Regicides Anonymous November 01, 2005 6,452 views

We here at CRACKED think that a great getting-to-know-you technique is taking a
look inside someone's mailbox. Recently, we took a peak inside the mailbox of Vi
ce President Dick Cheney. Here for your review are transcripts of the letters th
at survived the intense fire-fight with the Secret Service.
___________________________________
Dear Mr. Cheney,
For the last time: no, you cannot appear on The Family Feud. Our contestants are
typically outgoing, expressive, and from the underclass. In addition to being d
ry, wealthy and heartless, your survey responses indicate that you are more out
of touch with the average American than any applicant in the history of our show
.
For "Name something that instantly puts you in a bad mood" you wrote, "Children,
" and for "Name something that cheers you up when you are in a bad mood" you wro
te, "Dead Iraqi civilians." We actually had a signing chimpanzee score higher th
an you, and he was from Luxemburg.
Furthermore, we frequently have military personnel on the show, and while the sh
ow is called The Family Feud, we would rather not have you competing against any
one whose family and friends you may have indirectly killed.
Sincerely,
Tim Rodriguez
Director of Contesting
______________________________________
Mr. Richard Cheney,
Are you unsatisfied with your love life?
Lacking that extra something in the bedroom?
Well fret no longer, because this pill will make your penis bigger in ten days o
r less, or your money back!!!
Now take it and please stop starting wars.
Alex Johnson,
Vimax Male Enhancement
____________________________________
Vice President Cheney,
This is your final warning: any more use of the United States Military for perso
nal reasons and you will be impeached. The following are only a few of the many
examples of your abuse of power in the last four months.
On Halloween night, you had the Secret Service guard your home from vandals.
Your "shoot to kill" instruction resulted in the deaths of six teenage boys "ar
med" with toilet paper and eggs. Additionally, you captured a mailbox smasher an
d tortured him until he "surrendered the names of his co-conspirators and their
future targets."
When you were not invited to a neighborhood Labor Day barbeque, you called i
n the 181st Airborne Division to airlift two hamburgers and a hotdog. Thinking t
he paratroopers were part of their game, a group of children began shooting the
soldiers with water guns. The Mission Report states that the paratroopers return
ed fire with over 4,000 rounds of armor piercing bullets, killing all 14 childre
n. Collateral damage included 90% of Mrs. Brown's famous potato salad and 100% o
f a golden retriever.
Finally, the CIA has admitted to rigging school board elections in your dist
rict. Apparently, they've installed a friendly regime that will fire the high sc
hool principal who suspended your grandson for throwing water balloons at black
students.
Sincerely,
Donald Rumsfeld
Secretary of Defense
P.S. Dick- don't worry about this, it's just a formality. However, my ex-wife is
getting remarried this Saturday, so make sure the 3rd Armored Division is free.
_____________________________________
Dick,
Good work so far. Prepare for phase two.
Satan.
___________________________________
Listen, Cheney. I'm running out of money for my gold-plated helicopter, and out
of patience for your half-assed political psychopathy. Make Bush cut Medicaid or
invade another Middle Eastern country. If I have to show up to another debutant
e ball like a fucking dot com millionaire from a state university, I swear to Go
d I'll make sure that a corporate friendly democrat beats you in 2008.
Ask Bush Sr. what happens when you fuck with me.
Lee Raymond
CEO, Exxon Mobil Corp.
Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_15133_a-look-inside-mailbox-dick-chene
y.html#ixzz3JOrAUfur