String Theory Football in space?

by Lawrence J. J. Leonard

Ever wonder how a String Theory Physicist can teach a Field Goal Kicker
to be 98% accurate,
but would never PLAY football himself,
much less on another planet?

What our sporty Physicist is not saying out loud

is that Football and String Theory have too much in common to work in space.

What?

Let's look at Football through his black-rimmed glasses:

the players are just "points"
moving around on a grid,
literally in a "field."

They are "magnetically" attracted,

that is they act as a unit, like the Offensive Line would.

But, they are "quantumly" charged

and must get to the OPPOSITE Goal Line
to reach "symmetry",
that is to advance their winning agenda.

YELLOW FLAG: Illegal Formation

String Theory ONLY works on a two-dimensional plane,
the gridiron, the pitch.
This is BAD because ONLY ON THIS FIELD
can the "points"
get any traction to advance, to move, or to score.

String Theory in 3-D space is like having

UNLIMITED plays to choose from,
like the play card of Coach Dick Vermeil of the 2005 Kansas City Chiefs,
or Coach Gary Kubiak of the 2015 Denver Broncos.

However, "unlimited" does mean that

there COULD be a PERFECT ARENA where
where NFL Football can be played in 3-D space!

Yep, you guessed it! The ONLY place is on 3-D EARTH.

So, String Theory Football only exists in an imaginary universe

just like String Theory itself.

TOUCHDOWN!
String Theory and Football share THE SAME descriptions.

Here are some easily understood String Theory concepts that can be
discussed with your friendly Einsteins, and maybe make a new friend.

BLACK HOLE
ST: Gravity so strong that "nothing can escape"
FB: Defensive Linemen J.J. Watt and Jared Crick combo (Houston Texans 2015)
ENTROPY
ST: Randomness in a physical system - 91% observable
FB: The predictable plays by the New England Patriots 2016 - 3% observable

ELECTROMAGNETISM
ST: FORCES of Electricity, Magnetism, and Light
FB: 2016 Green Bay Packers 1,080 Kickoff Return Yards and 4,603 Receiving Yards
(both league bests)

STRONG NUCLEAR FORCE

ST: Keeps nucleons together in a nucleus, the equilibrium of subatomic particles
FB: Field Goals keep teams "Even" - 2016 Baltimore Ravens made 38 of 39 FGs
but only had an 8-8 season.

WEAK NUCLEAR FORCE

ST: Radioactive decay and the breakdown of the nucleus
FB: 2016 Cleveland Browns, San Francisco 49ers, Chicago Bears AND Jacksonville
Jaguars

DARK MATTER
ST: Matter that does not emit radiation, has no light, and is not electromagnetic
FB: The 415 Un-Drafted Free-Agents who signed a contract with an NFL team.

QUANTUM GRAVITY
ST: Quantum behavior of quantum mechanics but ONLY in a gravitational field.
FB: Football players make lousy baseball players and vice versa.

There are ONLY about 70 players since 1898

WHO HAD THE BALLS TO DO BOTH.
The most famous and the greatest ever was
Native American and Olympian Jim Thorpe
who played football for the Canton Bulldogs and baseball for the NY Giants.
STRING CHEESE
ST: The point at which Swiss cheese can be affected by black holes.
FB: The point at which you place the nozzle of the string cheese can on you cracker.

STRING BIKINI
ST: The best place to test a nuclear bomb in the Marshall Islands.
FB: The best points on a cheerleader

HAMSTRING
ST: The part of the quantum ham where its magnitude is diminished by its flavor.
FB: The part of the football players body that costs the most to rehabilitate.

While March Madness basketball, a tournament of timed points, will come and go,
String Theory and Football will forever be part of the space-time continuum.

Copyright 1960-2017 Lawrence J. J. Leonard All rights reserved.