CENTER FOR EFFECTIVE PARENTING

PARENT/CHILD
Children learn how to communicate by
watching their parents. If parents

COMMUNICATION
communicate openly and effectively,
chances are that their children will,
too. Good communication skills will
benefit children for their entire
lives. Children begin to form ideas
and beliefs about themselves based
on how their parents communicate
with them. When parents
communicate effectively with their
children, they are showing them
respect. Children then begin to feel
that they are heard and understood
by their parents, which is a boost to
Communication is the sending of self-esteem. On the other hand,
information from one person to another. communication between parents and
Communication can be verbal, for children that is ineffective or
example, one person talking to another, negative can lead children to believe
or it can be non-verbal, for example, a that they are unimportant, unheard,
scowl on a person's face that will or misunderstood. Such children may
probably let other people know he is also come to see their parents as
angry. Communication can be positive or unhelpful and untrustworthy.
negative, effective or ineffective.
Parents who communicate effectively
It is very important for parents to be with their children are more likely to
able to communicate openly and have children who are willing to do
effectively with their children. Open, what they are told. Such children
effective communication benefits not know what to expect from their
only the children, but every member of parents, and once children know what
the family. Relationships between is expected of them, they are more
parents and their children are greatly likely to live up to these
improved when there is effective expectations. They are also more
communication taking place. In general, likely to feel secure in their position
if communication between parents and in the family, and are thus more likely
their children is good, then their to be cooperative.
relationships are good as well.

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences
Artwork by Scott Snider
1997, 2006 Page 1
 Ways To Communicate Positively With appreciate it when you pick up your
Children toys without being told." When
talking with their children, parents
*Start communicating effectively while should be careful of what they say
children are young. Before parents and and how they say it. Everything
their children can communicate, both parents say to their children sends a
must feel comfortable enough to do so. message about how they feel about
While their children are very young, them. For example, if a parent says
parents should begin setting the stage something like "Don't bother me now.
for open, effective communication. I'm busy," their children may wind up
Parents can do this by making themselves thinking that their wants and needs
available to their children when they are not important.
have questions or just want to talk.
Furthermore, parents who provide their Nonverbally, parents can show their
children with plenty of love, children they accept them through
understanding and acceptance are helping gestures, facial expressions, and
to create a climate for open other nonverbal behaviors. Parents
communication. Children who feel loved should try to eliminate behaviors like
and accepted by their parents are more yelling and not paying attention to
likely to open up and share their their children. Such behaviors get in
thoughts, feelings, and concerns with the way of effective communication.
their parents. Practice makes perfect: Parents
must learn to show acceptance in
Sometimes it's easier for parents to feel ways their children will pick up on.
acceptance for their children than it is
to actually show it. Parents must *Communicate at your children's
demonstrate to their children that they level. When parents communicate
love and accept them. Parents can do with their children, it is important
this in both verbal and nonverbal ways. for them to come down to their
Verbally parents can let their children children's level both verbally and
know they accept them through what physically. Verbally, parents should
they say. Parents should try to send try to use age-appropriate language
positive messages to their children. For that their children can easily
example, when a child picks up his toys understand. With younger children,
after he or she is finished with them, this can be done by using simple
parents can let him or her know that they words. For example, young children
appreciate it by saying something like, "I are much more likely to understand a

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences
Artwork by Scott Snider
1997, 2006 Page 2
direction such as, "No hitting your >Eliminate distractions. When
sister," as opposed to "It is not children express a desire to
acceptable to hit your sister." Parents talk, parents should give them
should try to know what their children their undivided attention. They
are able to understand and they should should put aside what they were
try not to communicate in ways that their doing, face their children, and
children are not able to understand. give them their undivided
Physically, parents should not, for attention. If parents, for
example, tower over their children when example, continue to read the
talking or communicating with them. paper or to watch television
Instead, they should try to come down to while their children are trying
their children's level by lowering to communicate with them,
themselves, either by kneeling, sitting, children may get the message
stooping, etc. This will make eye contact that their parents aren't
much easier to maintain, and children are interested in what they have to
much less likely to feel intimidated by say, or that what they have to
parents when they are eye to eye. say is not important. If children
express a desire to talk at a
*Learn how to really listen. Listening is time that the parent is unable
a skill that must be learned and to, parents can schedule a time
practiced. Listening is an important part later on to talk with their
of effective communication. When children.
parents listen to their children they are
showing them that they are interested >Listen with a closed mouth.
and they care about what their children Parents should try to keep the
have to say. Here are some important interruptions to a minimum while
steps to becoming a good listener: their children are speaking.
They can offer encouragement,
>Make and maintain eye contact. for example through a smile or a
Parents who do this are showing touch, without interrupting.
their children that they are involved Interruptions often break the
and interested. Children might get speaker's train of thought, and
just the opposite message - that this can be very frustrating.
their parents are not interested in
what they're saying - if minimal eye >Let your children know they
contact is made. have been heard. After
children are finished speaking,

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences
Artwork by Scott Snider
1997, 2006 Page 3
 parents can show them that they tracks. Parents should try to ask
have been listening by restating open-ended questions in their
what was said, only in slightly conversations with their children.
different words. For example, "Boy, Such questions often require an
it sounds like you really had a good in-depth response that will keep a
day in pre-school." Not only will this conversation going. Open-ended
let children know that their parents questions that begin with the words
have been listening. This will also "what," "where," "whom," or "how"
offer an opportunity for are often very useful in getting
clarification if the parents are children to open up. Parents should
misinterpreting the message their try to avoid asking questions that
children are trying to get across. require only a yes or no answer.
While asking the right questions can
*Keep conversations brief. The younger help a conversation along, parents
children are, the more difficult it is for need to be careful not to ask too
them to sit through long speeches. One many questions while conversing with
good rule for parents is to speak to young their children. When this happens,
children for no longer than 30 seconds, conversations can quickly turn into
then ask them to comment on what was interrogations, and children will be
said. The goal is for parents to pass on much less likely to open up.
information a little at a time while
checking that their children are paying *Express your own feelings and
attention to and understanding what is ideas when communicating with
being said at regular intervals. Parents children. For communication to be
should let their children decide when effective, it must be a two way
enough is enough. Parents can look for street. Not only must parents be
clues that their children have had available to and listen to their
enough. Some clues include fidgeting, children for effective communication
lack of eye contact, distractibility, etc. to take place; they must also be
Parents need to know when to willing to share their own thoughts
communicate with their children, but and feelings with their children.
they also need to know when to back off, Parents can teach their children many
too. things, for example, morals and
values, by expressing their thoughts
*Ask the right questions. Some and feelings. When expressing their
questions help conversations along, while ideas and feelings, however, parents
some can stop conversations dead in their must be careful to do so in a

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences
Artwork by Scott Snider
1997, 2006 Page 4
non-judgmental way. It seems logical important is that families set aside
that the more parents open up to their time at regular intervals to
children, the more their children will communicate with one another.
open up to them.
*Admit it when you don't know
*Regularly schedule family meetings or something. When children ask
times to talk. One very useful questions that their parents can't
communication tool for families with answer, they should admit that they
older children is the regularly scheduled don't know. Parents can use such
time to talk. This can be done in a instances as learning experiences.
number of ways. First of all, there is the For example, parents can teach their
family meeting. Family meetings can be children how to get the information
scheduled, for example, once a week, they're looking for by taking them to
and/or whenever there is something that the library, using the encyclopedia,
the family needs to discuss. Families can etc. It's far better for parents to
use family meeting time to iron out the show their children that they're
details of daily living, for example human and thus don't know
chores, curfews and bedtimes. Family everything than it is to make up some
meeting time can also be used to air answer that might not be true.
grievances and to talk about problems.
These times can also be used to talk *Try to make explanations
about positive things that have occurred complete. When answering their
during the last week. What's important children's questions, parents should
is that each family member be given time try to give them as much information
to talk to and be heard by other family as they need, even if the topic is
members. something parents don't feel
comfortable discussing. This doesn't
Regularly scheduled times to talk and mean that parents must go into great
communicate don't have to be as formal detail. It's just important that
as the family meeting. For example, parents know how much information
families can use the dinner hour each their children need and then give it
night as a time to catch up with each to them. Parents should make sure
other. Or, parents can set aside time to that the information they give their
play communication games, such as children is age-appropriate. Parents
picking specific topics of discussion and should also encourage their children
giving everyone in the family a chance to to ask questions. This will help
express their opinions. What's parents figure out just what

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences
Artwork by Scott Snider
1997, 2006 Page 5
information their children are looking *Be polite. Parents shouldn't forget
for. Not giving enough information can the ordinary rules of politeness
lead children to draw conclusions that simply because they are dealing with
aren't necessarily true. their children. During conflicts, or at
any other time, parents should treat
Communicating During Conflicts their children with the same amount
of respect that they would show to
All families will have conflicts at one time any other person. Children are
or another. While such conflicts can be people, too, and they deserve to be
upsetting, they need not be too treated with respect. Sometimes
disruptive. There are many different during the heat of an argument or
things that parents can do to smoothly disagreement parents say things to
get through conflicts and to keep the their children that they would never
lines of communication open at the same say to another relative or a close
time. Here are some suggestions. friend. Parents should make an
effort not to do this.
*Work on one problem at a time.
During conflicts, it is best to try to solve *Use "I" messages. When
one problem at a time. It is not a good discussing conflicts with their
idea to bring up many different issues at children, parents should always try to
once. This can be very confusing to both state problems in terms of how they
children and their parents. When this feel. For example, instead of saying
happens families can quickly lose sight of something like "You never pick up
the real issues. your clothes like you're supposed to,"
parents should try something like "I
*Look for creative ways to solve feel frustrated when you don't pick
problems. When trying to solve conflicts, up your clothes." By using "I"
parents should try to keep in mind that messages, parents are telling their
there is usually more than one solution to children how their behavior makes
any problem. Parents and children should them feel, instead of accusing and/or
work together to find solutions that are blaming. "I" messages are effective
agreeable to all parties. Learning to be because children are much less likely
flexible when solving problems is a great to resist or rebel against something
tool for children to have. If one solution that is stated in terms of how the
doesn't work, parents should try to be parent feels. Stating things in terms
flexible enough to try alternative of "I" messages are much less
solutions. threatening to children than are

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences
Artwork by Scott Snider
1997, 2006 Page 6
accusing and/or blaming. "I" messages Examples Of Negative
also show children how to take Communication Parents Should Avoid
responsibility for their own actions.
Parents who express their feelings in *Nagging and lecturing. Nagging is
such a way are also teaching their repeating something that has already
children to do the same. been said. Lecturing is giving more
*Be willing to forgive. Teach your information than is needed without
children to be forgiving by doing so stopping to listen to other opinions or
yourself. ideas. Parents can avoid nagging and
lecturing by keeping their
How To Avoid Negative conversations with their children
Communication brief. Parents should also keep in
mind that once they have told their
Unfortunately, many parents aren't children something once, there is no
aware of just how often they use need to say it again. Instead of
negative forms of communication with nagging, parents should use a
their children. These parents may, as a consequence other than nagging (for
result, be planting the seeds of mistrust example, time-out) when their
and low self-esteem in their children. children do not do something they
This is why it is so important for parents have been told to do. Nagging and
to become aware of and to correct any lecturing cause children to stop
negative forms of communication they listening or to become defensive or
may be using with their children. Below resentful.
is a list of examples of negative
communication. Parents should go *Interrupting. When children are
through this list and identify any of talking, parents should give them the
these negative communication patterns opportunity to finish what they're
that seem familiar. After identifying saying before speaking themselves.
problem areas, parents can then begin This is common courtesy. Children
making changes. Keep in mind that the who feel that they can't get a word
list below does not contain every possible in edgewise with their parents may
example of negative communication. stop communicating with them
There are probably many things that can altogether.
be considered negative communication
that are not included on the list below. *Criticizing. Parents should avoid
criticizing their children's thoughts,
feelings, ideas, and/or children

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences
Artwork by Scott Snider
1997, 2006 Page 7
themselves. Children often see such *Telling your children how to solve
criticisms as direct attacks, and the their problems. This happens when
result can be lowered self-esteem. When parents jump in and tell their
necessary, parents should criticize children how they should do things
behavior, or what children have done, not instead of letting them have some
children themselves. input into solutions for problems.
Parents who tell their children how to
*Dwelling on the past. Once a problem solve their problems may lead
or conflict is solved, parents should try children to believe that they have no
not to mention it again. Children should control over their own lives. Such
be allowed to start over with a clean children may end up believing that
slate. Parents who constantly bring up their parents don't trust them. Or,
their children's past mistakes are they may resent being told what to
teaching their children to hold grudges do and as a result resist their
for long periods of time. Also, children parents' directions.
need to know that once a matter is
settled it remains settled. *Putting children down. Put-downs
can come in many different forms
*Trying to control children through the such as name calling, ridiculing,
use of guilt. This involves trying to judging, blaming, etc. Put-downs are
make children feel guilty because of detrimental to effective
their thoughts, feelings, and/or actions. communication. Put-downs can
Parents who use guilt to control their damage children's self-esteem.
children may do great harm to their Children who are put down by their
relationship with their children. parents often feel rejected, unloved,
and inadequate.
*Using sarcasm. Parents are using
sarcasm when they say things they don't *Using threats. Threats are rarely
mean and imply the opposite of what effective. They often make children
they're saying through their tone of feel powerless and resentful of their
voice. An example is a parent saying parents.
something like, "Oh, aren't you graceful,"
when a child breaks something. The use *Lying. No matter how tempting it is
of sarcasm hurts children. Sarcasm is to make up a lie to, for example, avoid
never a useful tool for parents who are talking about uncomfortable topics
trying to effectively communicate with like sex, parents should not do so.
their children. Parents should try to be open and

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences
Artwork by Scott Snider
1997, 2006 Page 8
honest with their children. This will "Shoot. I'm listening."
encourage children to be open and honest
with their parents. Also, children are "I understand."
very perceptive. They are often very
good at sensing when their parents are "What do you think about ..."
not being totally honest with them. This
can lead to feelings of mistrust. "Would you like to talk about it?"

*Denying children's feelings. When "Is there anything else you'd like to
children tell their parents how they feel, talk about?"
parents shouldn't make light of these
feelings. If, for example, a parent feels "That's interesting."
his or her child shouldn't feel sad about
losing a baseball game, he or she "Wow!"
shouldn't say so. Parents should instead
say something supportive, for example, "I "I'm interested."
know you really wanted to win. It's hard
to lose sometimes." With younger "Explain that to me."
children, this can be done by using simple,
concrete words. Children need to have Effective, open communication takes
their feelings supported by their a lot of hard work and practice.
parents. Parents need to show their Parents should remember that they
children understanding when it comes to will not be perfect. Parents make
their feelings. If they don't, children mistakes. What is important is that
will as a result feel misunderstood by parents make the effort to
their parents. effectively communicate with their
children starting when their children
are very young. The result will be a
Communication Builders much closer, positive relationship
between parents and their children.
Here are some examples of things
parents can say to their children to help
open the lines of communication:
Center for Effective Parenting
Little Rock Center: (501) 364-7580
"I'd like to hear about it."
NW Arkansas Center: (479) 751-6166
www.parenting-ed.org
"Tell me more about that."

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences
Artwork by Scott Snider
1997, 2006 Page 9