Bithika ODwyer

TABLE OF CONTENTS

BITHIKA ODWYER HIDE AND SEEK ...................................................................................1

BITHIKA ODWYER BEAUTY IS MY LIGHT ........................................................................2

BITHIKA ODWYER PHOTOS I..............................................................................................10

BITHIKA ODWYER WORLD HARMONY RUN 2009 .........................................................11

BITHIKA ODWYER MY GURU SRI CHINMOY..................................................................14

BITHIKA ODWYER PHOTOS II ............................................................................................20

Hide and seek
I cannot remember the first time I set eyes on my Guru, try as I might. What does
remain etched indelibly in my mind and heart, however, is the first time I saw his Tran-
scendental picture. Immortalised is the table upon which it sat and the room in which it
was enthroned. When I revisit the tiny body I inhabited at five years old and experience
again the sheer thrill of those moments (the power of which seemed to outweigh my pat-
ent lack of bodily mass) the very memory seems to induce a disembodied sensation, as
if I was a pure soul again weightless and free.
Having run aimlessly into the room as children do suddenly there it was stand-
ing on the table, alone in a plain frame, looking at me. There was no explanation for its
existence there, and yet it seemed somehow inevitable that I should have encountered
such a thing in our dining room! I stood for a time, as stunned as an animal in a dazzling
light. I could not tell if I was deeply afraid or thrilled time was suspended for an instant.
Moments later I found myself in another room catching my breath. Soon this room
seemed so dark in comparison, and I was compelled to run back for more thrills! In and
out I ran for what seemed like days: for blessings and then to take a breath, for more
blessings ... His eyes seemed to penetrate my very core, and pull apart the seams of my
existence, rendering me a mist of atoms, liable to dispel into the air. I continued to peep
at my Lord until gradually I acquired the strength to withstand his gaze for longer periods
and over further time I became accustomed to the tremendous power that is his love,
and learned the priceless value of making my life within his heart.
I believe that on the day I breathe my last I shall think of this significant moment in
my life and the invisible cord that has connected me to his Transcendental conscious-
ness ever since. It will be one of those moments that will characterise the power of this
birth, and which I am sure I shall carry inside to another existence in the future.

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Beauty is my Light
Posted January 25th, 2005 by srichinmoyinspi... (#10368)
[From Bithika]

Ive been enjoying the recent comments about Beauty -- Sumangali and Pavitrata, greetings. I
third these ideas from the depths of my existence. Sumangali, you have pretty much summed up
my way in -- the portals of my divinity seem to be beauty-related also. Furthermore, I see the
biggest factor in Beauty as Light -- yes all the interior decorating experience has taught me that!
A lack of light kills everything that is good, inwardly and outwardly. An abundance of Light is
my definition of Heaven! I suppose it really hits a button for me that sums up so much about my
life on this path -- childhood and adolescence and adulthood.

I think I should never be able to seek the God I yearn for so deeply, were I not given an
opportunity to do so in colour, brightness, prosperity, joy and abundance. This is the gift I am
enjoying during my physical existence this time round. I feel like I was born with a
predisposition to believe that a search for God, for Light and Divinity was an austere, cold,
lonely road ... and a knowledge that I never wanted to walk such a road -- that I believed that
there had to be another road for me. Rather than believing that another road existed, I think I fell
into the easier belief that spirituality was not for me. These things always felt like something I
learned in a previous existence, or maybe a genetic/cultural birth-day gift -- welcome, kid,
this is how it is ... Maybe centuries of being taught the fear of God or what people like to do
in Gods name had set me at odds with my heartfelt cry for the highest. I visualise my last 200
odd years as being spent in a cloud of doubt: I want to grow and love and live free of fear of any
kind, but there is no cultural or religious expression that fits me. I believe that I tried very hard to
define my own morality, make my own spirituality, if you will, and live the best I could -- use art
and music and poetry to create my own understanding of the Divine, my own divine-humanity.
The creation of a Utopia of Light, Peace and Bliss -- its concrete expression in any way I could
... but within no organised framework. I could see none pure enough to seek the highest AND
nurture the individual completely, within a community that allowed free will and expression.
None to celebrate the diversity of life within the unity of the Whole -- which seems to form that
pattern of Beauty. I imagine that this realisation was a very painful one, and shared by souls the
world over. I wanted to sit on mountain tops and sing of the beauty of myriad forms, to view all
from the birds all-encompassing eye and reject nothing. And so my idea of a God eroded --
where was He to fulfil my longing? -- and I fell only into spiritual habits that I could
personally maintain.

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And then I awoke on this path. Just before my sixth birthday. I remember first seeing my
meditation photograph and the ground-shaking experience of it! I had to run into the room to
look at it, and then it was such a thrill to look at that I was absolutely shocked and had to run out
of the room to catch my breath! Then I had to run into the room again and look as soon as
possible. It went on for hours. Hide and seek. The beginning of facing the Truth I had been
seeking for centuries. A journey into Light, as much as it is of learning to love again, after a very
long period of hurt.

It has taken me many years to soften and thaw out into the realisation that life was not created to
torture humankind. The creator is not a wrathful, mean, austere force -- or even a force of chaos -
- a force of indifference -- a force unable to control his creation. My previous lack of trust in the
safety of believing even in a divine force, rather than my own humanity (which I felt I could at
least answer for) were eating into my whole progression as an evolving soul. It really felt like I
came to a point where I had to fully connect with a divinity within and around in a more
conscious way in order to go forward. And for that I had to risk belief and faith.

As a young child I was eager to see Sri Chinmoy. When I returned home after our visits to the
Centre, I cried myself to sleep for weeks every night -- upset with my parents for not letting me
stay longer. It was not his grandfatherly sweetness, kindness and concern -- but the sheer light of
the air around him. I would sit stock still for hours and hours in his presence just drinking every
single ounce of light I could. I had so many spiritual experiences as a child -- a sheer abundance
of light and joy. We sang songs, and we meditated, we ate food and we shared cute jokes -- there
were other children in my group for playmates also. So simple, and yet it is so clear to me now
how my whole spiritual self was being rebuilt so tenderly. I could feel that God had caught up
with my prayers of centuries, and was showing me what he dreams for us as a race, before it is
messed up and we blame him for it!

I had a very strict school back at home, which was again trying to instill the same stiff upper lip
discipline and mental agility that had been the norm for centuries. Because my spiritual training
was primarily in silence, I was developing very naturally outwardly with every aspect of my
developing mind, and meanwhile the love and kindness were seeping into my soul and I was
pleasantly marinating in them, eventually to emerge as a completely transformed individual. Sri
Chinmoys guidance was laid out as a benchmark, but I was given complete free will to discover
my own truth. It was always a given that the pursuit of the spiritual heart was the key to divine
experience -- Guru did say this time and again. But his understanding of the unfoldment of a
soul, the timing of illuminations and so forth were impeccable -- telling us how things were was
not his style -- but helping us to truly discover for ourselves the truth. I think of him as a true
friend -- allowing the individual the joys and sorrows of existence and his/her free experience,
while always being there to help at any moment. When I think of how many acts of kindness I
experienced, inner and outer, tears come. I was not given to obeying my parents or even the best
wishes of my Guru at times, and had many adventures while trying to discover who I was. I was
always met with a loving and tender kindness. Forgiveness comes to Sri Chinmoy faster than it
will ever come to any. And always oneness -- a full understanding of where you as an individual
are and what your needs are. He was a pure channel of divine light in my vision, but again and
again I was struck by his humanity also -- such impeccable nobility, endless giving to all around
-- of his time, money, affection, concern. My own wilfulness was no match for his quiet, silent,
sweeter than the sweetest eye. Not for long, at least. The only thing that seems to upset him and
really get me a scolding is when I neglect to smile. This was a source of much confusion for me

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for so long -- what on earth is important about smiling, after all! Ah, but not so. I learn year by
year the ultimate truth of this. This self-giving is the key to heart, love and happiness -- a smile is
just the beginning.

Thanks to him, I am developing from an emotionally stunted disbelieving savage into a human
being who values love as the greatest courage and endeavour. Love, in all its many expressions.
Expanding Love as opposed to contracting fear. Thanks to him I feel that there is a conscious
divine being, who created this earth, in whom I strive to have faith, hope and peace. I treasure
most that beauty and light and joy are considered by him extremely important to spiritual
development -- and thus I know that I am on that path that I have sought for centuries.

As a woman, I have everything I need to progress -- I believe that I live a truly modern life. I
have many older sisters and a very beautiful and supportive spiritual family. I hope that I may
grow into women half as beautiful as some of them. I treasure their joys and their sorrows, and
the more generations that are included in our family the more special the bonds of love and
friendship. I have projects to work on within my own community -- a business to support myself
independently (which means a lot to me), musical and artistic projects, fun projects like plays
and games, and always colour, decorations, abundance. This path is a garden where you can find
a representative of everything and everyone under the sun, thriving and living side-by-side with
even diametrically opposed aspects in harmony. I am not given to fluffy gratitude -- when you
grow up with spiritual terms, I think you come to the point that you have to really redefine some
of the terms again for yourself, or the language can become cliched; but I know that in my future
births, I shall look back on this life as the turning point. Wherever I go from here, I know that I
have been so deeply altered by these 26 years, that my destiny has been rewritten. I know that I
now believe in the impossible dream -- of a divine life on earth. I have as many incarnations as
it will take to manifest that dream, but that belief is so priceless. I know I shall personally honour
Sri Chinmoys sacrifices to bring this truth to me for all my days, for all eternity.
_____________________________________________________________________________

Re: Beauty is my Light

Posted January 25th, 2005 by purnakama2000 (#10369)

I can find no other word save gratitude for your beautiful offering here.

Purnakama
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Re: Beauty is my Light

Posted January 25th, 2005 by arpan_deangelo (#10373)

Bithika,

Your post was a delightfully descriptive, deeply sincere and wonderfully concise portrayal of
your life, inner and outer. I could read no further without first responding with a hearty Thank
You for such a heartfelt rendering of your experiences seeking the Light.

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Having known you and your family for a few decades now and seeing you and your brother
occassionally on your visits here, it is a joy to be all a part of the same world community with
our Guru, Sri Chinmoy.

Many times when I first came to the path 33 years ago I used to think that if this path really turns
out to be genuine and real with a great Teacher, and if I can stick with it for the rest of my life, I
would eventually have new friends in the distant future who were not even born yet.

I was only 19 at the time and had lots of growing up to do. So you could say that I too have been
growing up on the path in my own way. But to see the young people who struggle through all the
difficult stages of the outer growth cycles and at the same time try to progress in the inner life
which can be even more difficult, it is truly a miracle of transformation and an affirmation of
Divine Compassion. You are a shining example.

I saw your parents in China last month, and it was so nice to be with them even for a short time.
We talked about the kids and what you are both up to. I feel so grateful to have spiritual friends
both young and old who feel like family even when they may live in different countries with
varying lifestyles. Yet when we can relate to each others experiences on the path under the
guidance of the same wonderful Teacher, it brings our worlds closer and makes the concept of
Oneness more real.

What you said about Light is something that struck a chord within me as well. This poem by Sri
Chinmoy happens to be one of my favorites that I use for many of my meditations. It comes from
one of the Aspiration-Plants books. I had memorized it such a long time ago that I forget which
book it is from, but I guess that doesnt really matter. It goes:

To see God the Light,

To feel God the Light,
To become God the Light:
This is the only Goal
Of my meditation.

Gratefully,
Arpan
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Re: Beauty is my Light

Posted January 25th, 2005 by dharmaja (#10374)

Dear Bithika,

I am overwhelmed by your outpouring.

Dharmaja
San Diego
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Re: Beauty is my Light
Posted January 25th, 2005 by sumangali_m (#10375)

Bithika

For once I dont have words to reply to a message, except to thank you for putting your insights
and experiences into writing.

I am always proud and grateful to have you as a dear and precious friend.

Sumangali
:oD
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Re: Beauty is my Light

Posted January 25th, 2005 by jan_klaile (#10376)

Wow! Thank you! That was...gee...I have no words. Awesome!

Thank you,
Jan :0o
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Re: Beauty is my Light

Posted January 25th, 2005 by suchana27 (#10380)

Dear Bhitika,

Many thanks for sharing your abundant inner beauty and light! I especially loved the paragraph
where you played hide and seek with God when you were a child.

A masterpiece of spiritual insight I am going to keep forever!

Suchana
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Re: Beauty is my Light

Posted January 25th, 2005 by pavitrata27 (#10410)

Bithika!

Yikes! What a tour-de-force! Hello! Under what bushel have you been hiding all that? Bravo!
Keep smiling!

Pavitrata
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Re: Beauty is my Light
Posted January 27th, 2005 by anitabusic (#10420)

I join in in expressing my awe and gratitude for your most sincere and inspiring outpouring.

Anita
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OT - Cheery-O (was Beauty is my Light)

Posted January 27th, 2005 by bithika777 (#10443)

Pavitrata, Sumangali, Sarada -- Greetings from Dell-Boy-Land ...

Its not Peckham, but has all the trappings! (I'm sitting opposite your prototypical middle-
england market with its full quota of trotters. Very entertaining!) I am on the road for a few
days looking for that big business opportunity. It has been a gruelling trip (apart from a great
girls night out on Tuesday -- thanks for the star hospitality Sumangali), because I am alone and
have somehow thought I could achieve more than was sensible -- 6-7 hours driving and trying to
navigate at the same time yesterday -- and mostly in the dark -- from city to city. Bad planning
on my part! When I did get to location, I was often so jaded that I couldnt exercise very
effectively my super-turbo-visionary enthusiasm, and most properties looked grey, dull and
dingy. However, the digi-cam, I think, is saving me, as I can review things from the safety of my
desk in the next few days and then inject a bit more joy and objectivity into it all! Meanwhile, I
shall have to rely on that liquid enthusiasm -- of the java, colombian, kenyan bean variety ...

I am looking forward to inputting something a bit more meaningful when I return -- I am

following your chat ... but had to say, it makes much better reading over lunch than the
newspaper I read over breakfast!

Cheery-O Peoples. Request me the navigation fairy, please. Oh, and the parking fairy would be
very well received also.
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Re: OT - Cheery-O (was Beauty is my Light)

Posted January 29th, 2005 by pavitrata27 (#10488)

Hey Bithika,

If you are wi-fiing, I think Cafe Nero have recently set up wi-fi in some of their cafes, and much
cheaper than Starbs.

Be warned though, wi-fi is seriously addictive. If you sigh for Java, the combo of wi-fi and Java
is irresistible.

While you are gadgeting, howz about GPS? Now thats what I call being looked after by the
Navigation Devas.

Got any good anecdotes about your travels?

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Pavitrata
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Re: Beauty is my Light

Posted February 2nd, 2005 by anitabusic (#10548)

Hi Bithika and others,

You wrote:

> As a young child I was eager to see Sri Chinmoy. When I returned
> home after our visits to the Centre, I cried myself to sleep for
> weeks every night -- upset with my parents for not letting me stay
> longer. It was not his grandfatherly sweetness, kindness and
> concern -- but the sheer light of the air around him. I would sit
> stock still for hours and hours in his presence just drinking
> every single ounce of light I could. I had so many spiritual
> experiences as a child -- a sheer abundance of light and joy.

This touched me deeply, as I share the feeling. However, you expressed it so eloquently that no
further words could add to it. Then this passage by you also moved something deep within me:

> The only thing that seems to upset him and really get me a
> scolding is when I neglect to smile. This was a source of much
> confusion for me for so long -- what on earth is important about
> smiling, after all! Ah, but not so. I learn year by year the
> ultimate truth of this. This self-giving is the key to heart, love
> and happiness -- a smile is just the beginning.

I also came upon this passage by Sri Chinmoy (the link to the full text is below):

Self examination is our aspiration for the higher world and the inner world. The higher world is
immortal Light. The inner world is infinite Peace. Light shows us the face of Truth and then
makes us the body of Truth. Peace makes us the body of Truth and then shows us the face of
Truth. Light says to Peace, Sister, I need your Length. What you have and what you are is
Infinitys Length. Peace immediately tells Light, Brother, my Length is equally yours. What
you have and what you are is Transcendental Height. I need your Light and your Height. The
immortal Light says, My sister, take it. My Light and my Height are equally yours.

Unlike us, God examines Himself constantly. We are reluctant to examine ourselves, but God is
fond of examining Himself at every moment. He examines Himself in order to see whether His
infinite Compassion is operating most effectively in the heart of mankind. And unlike us, God is
fond of perfecting Himself at every moment. He feels that He is perfect only when we can offer
Him a soulful smile. We pray to God for countless things, but He inwardly prays to us for only
one thing: a smile, a soulful smile.

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https://web.archive.org/web/20041210185043/http://www.srichinmoy.org/html/resources/library/
talks/philosophy/self_examination.html

So many times we have heard during the years Sri Chinmoy ask us, even beg us to smile, and
how many times have we heard him say that a single soulful smile from us gives him more joy
than he received on the day he realized God! How much importance he gives to our happiness
amazes me always.

Of course, smiling is important for other reasons as well. When we smile from our hearts, we
cannot help but affect others by raising their consciousness in the heart-to-heart communication -
- smiling at each other. Also, if the other person is in a foul mood -- barking at you or snipping
with anger -- you may take half of the negative energy away just by offering him/her a soulful
smile. Such power a single smile has. So lets always smile and make ourselves and others happy
-- at least that is my dream I would like to turn into reality in my life -- to smile most soulfully
and constantly. Big goal, huh?

Thank you Bithika for reminding me of how it feels to be in Gurus presence. I am smiling :)) a
huge smile!

Anita
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Re: Beauty is my Light

Posted February 2nd, 2005 by kamalakanta47 (#10559)

Anita, Bithika, Assistant Moderator and everyone who posts/reads here -- I feel so privileged to
be associated with you all, and of course with Sri Chinmoy, who brings us all together with his
inner love, compassion and concern...

Thank you for reminding me of the importance of smiling. I truly have a lot to smile about, and I
do not always acknowledge it...

In my hearts smile, Kamalakanta

[You give us a lot to smile about, Kamalakanta. :-) I hope you will someday repost your story
about the man who cant get the prayers right, but still manages to walk on water. Thanks for
your personal miracle of making so much music available on radiosrichinmoy.org. I hope to
catch up with it all someday. --Assistant Moderator]

[END]

SOURCE: http://www.srichinmoyinspiration.com/forums/10368

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 Bithika ODwyer Photos I

Bithika ODwyer performing with Temple-Song-Hearts, 1991

Bithika ODwyer (right) running with a friend from Sri Chinmoy Centre, circa 2005

Bithika ODwyer (bottom left) with friends from Sri Chinmoy Centre, circa 2005
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 World Harmony Run 2009
May each and every individual each day have a new dream of world harmony.
--Sri Chinmoy, Run Founder

100 Countries, 6 Continents, 70,000 km, Billions of Hearts...

Great Britain

London, Great Britain

Great Britain 21 June: Maidstone - Canterbury

There were 9 girls running on the team today with representatives from England, France and
Moldova. We had a 58k stretch of road to cover which, combined with the boys mileage,
spanned the distance from Greenwich (London) to Canterbury. The boys were due to run the first
64k from Greenwich to junction 8 on the M20, so we drove to that point to begin our efforts.

11
We decided to split into 2 teams, each equipped with a car, a torch, mobile phones and a set of
maps in order to cover the distance as efficiently as possible. Each team took a section and then
we planned to meet up to run the last few miles together. After an initial section on a path along
a faster road, and some manoeuvres over a motorway, we came to the promised section of idyllic
countryside between Ashford and Canterbury rolling hills, hedgerows of singing birds, fields
of sheep and cows

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I am always amazed at the tangible thrill I feel in holding the torch and running with it today
was no exception! After covering the miles without losing any of our team members, or getting
anything resembling lost, we ended the day with a chip and egg dinner at the seaside

All most satisfactory!

Bithika
______________________________________________________________________________

Distance: 29 miles

Team Members:
Bithika (British), Shankara (British), Manjula (France), Padmasini (France), Sahana
(British), Natashira (France)

Gallery: See more images!

SOURCE: http://www.worldharmonyrun.org/great_britain/news/2009/0621b.html

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 My Guru Sri Chinmoy
by Bithika ODwyer

Sri Chinmoy the great wish-fulfilling tree. Everyone wanted and needed something
from him, we were pulled towards him by his great magnet of a heart. Some looked like
they knew exactly what they wanted, others seemed to stumble backwards into his
arms, completely unconscious of who he was to them. He did not mind. There was al-
ways purpose to his timely and inexplicable presence in your life the completion of an
ancient deed, long buried in oblivion but like a precision technology delivering its result
at the prescribed nanosecond. You knew on some level who he was, had a sense that
he was very, very close to your life breath your heart and soul. In his presence you
were never more alive the intensity of every interaction would saturate your heart and
overwhelm you. But there were veils hanging like great washing on lines in a garden
through which you chased him, always failing to grab the trailing wisp of his foot or hand
and feeling the timeless, blurred intimacy of the game, the smiles, the humour, a sweet
brother in play. He had come with a giant caravan of deliveries and the great pressure
of getting the work done seemed to drive him to sleepless and constant endeavour a
single and iron will to achieve what was asked of him within a fixed earthly time. There
were clocks on every wall, by every chair, underpinning every activity reminders of
this limit but at the core, a child, ever free, ever self-offering, loving, sweet, kind, com-
passionate he and his iron will were helplessly ruled by his own compassionate
heart.
He always appeared to me to sit outside the boundaries of Time and Space, but his task
was to deliver experience to those still living within their confine in such a way as to
teach them to be able to jump out and realise themselves as beings ever free. Time
was the great backdrop for his work and he always displayed a relationship to it that in-
dicated to me respect, playfulness and mastery. Everything was possible in his games.
Although a basic respect for the conventions often began the play, as you got fully into
the game, he would take time and matter into his own hands and bend them for his pur-
poses. Those were the purposes of a Guru, the One who brings Light into the darkness
of the human experience, reminds us that there is more, so much more than we can
understand ... I shall never be able to fully explain what that was like to be at the end of
I got free passes to ecstatic realms for periods, and then seemed to be driven through
the darkest corners of my own ignorance at others. If I didnt find the right posture in-
wardly, my anxiety increased to the extent that I felt like I couldnt ever keep up with his
baffling, spinning universe. At times I walked through agonising pockets of depression
and fear and doubt but when I was fully aligned inwardly by some inexplicable
grace, I became a channel for something so sublime, so perfect, so completely fulfilling
I experienced an almost complete dissolution of myself as an individual and the re-
lease into vastness and peace of this experience was not to be equalled. Nor often sus-
tained.

14
And there it was the field of play. Real, exhilarating and by turns extremely painful.
Part of the training was to increase our capacity for both ecstasy and pain for taking
all conditions of existence as experiences and identifying ourselves with the vast flood
of consciousness underpinning it all. I had a clearer understanding of this when I had
bravely soldiered my way through what seemed like a number of years of painful per-
sonal experiences and then had an experience of ecstasy given by Gurus blessingful
touch. I was shocked that after 6 or 7 months of this amazing and deeply fulfilling ex-
perience, my body was struggling to deal with it and this meant that my mind started to
become restless and I reached the limit of my toleration I actually had to ask for help
via my monthly missive, and it stopped immediately to my disappointment.
I saw how far I had made progress over the years, by his direct instruction and by trying
to identify with the reality beyond painful experiences. I saw how this had prepared me
for an ecstatic experience to a certain extent, which was equally challenging in another
way. And I saw the limitation of my own inner vessel of the physical nerves, the men-
tal stability and so on. It occurred to me that the truths we were aspiring for would be a
curse if we were not ready for them, that our receptivity and preparation was a huge
part of the process. The way forward seemed to be to take some more deep breaths
and keep working with these personal limitations and gradually stretch my capacity to
be fit for a higher force.
I could get a sense that actually pain and ecstasy would meet at some point in an ulti-
mate awareness. This meant that my relationship to pain/the negative side of experi-
ence needed to change for good. I had to view every experience as equally nourishing
and fulfilling, neither seeking nor clinging to anything offered to me, but just drink it and
walk on, developing a detachment and an increased sense of being seated somewhere
deeper that could sustain more intense experience of Truth in the long run. There was
a necessity of affirming the higher Truth and Light in every thought and action to unseat
the depressive darkness of the mind. This, I discovered, was an ancient principle of the
sages of India (and, to be fair, is woven through many other ancient (and some modern)
cultures also) it was nice to have had the opportunity to self-validate their principles
for myself! What is interesting is that, apart from Gurus initial comment when he
blessed me informing me what I was about to experience, there had pretty much not
been an outer word after that. Such is the way with a master, the teaching is inner but
so tangible, the aim being that you feel you have discovered the Truth from within by
yourself. I discovered in time that meditation on the heart was the quickest way to bal-
ance and channel the Light, the higher force, with the lower parts of the being again
this was Gurus message but I had the chance to discover it for myself. It is now indeli-
bly carved into my existence.
The Gurus mastery is to teach sublime Truth via the most trivial outer channel. It is a
trick that you have to see to appreciate fully! In conjunction with the other experiences
above, I had a long running battle with poor Guru over the concept of a smile. I have
been scolded over the years so many times about this one, what I thought of as ridicu-
lously trivial, subject! It started when I was a little girl waiting for him at Heathrow air-
port. I was small (maybe 7 or 8) and when he came out of the door I was standing at
the end of a ramp amongst hundreds of people waiting for him. I watched his feet as he

15
walked down the ramp and towards me. I was at the turnaround, and the feet stopped.
I continued watching them, then, because they stood still, after a moment I felt com-
pelled to look up. He was standing in front of me with the most powerful smile I had
ever seen. I was stunned. It was like the sun and it saturated me completely in that
moment. Nobody had ever smiled at me like that and it was for no apparent reason at
all. I was like a little rabbit in the headlamps of a car. He asked me if I could smile at
him. I was willing and made a nod and speechless attempt but was like a flimsy flower
wilting in the dazzling sun. Afterwards, a close disciple of Gurus who had been follow-
ing him took me aside and asked me if I understood how Guru was specially blessing
me. I nodded, again speechlessly. I knew that I would not forget that smile.
After that heart-conquering opening gambit, as the years went by we entered into a
chain of smile-related teenaged wrangles they ranged from little comments (often into
the microphone with 1,000+ people listening), to more pleading personal comments, to
offhand grumbling, to downright acid comments My position was that I try to be sin-
cere, I try to call a spade, a spade, I dont want to be involved in the more extreme ele-
ments of what I saw as the tree-hugging pseudo spiritual groupies that can populate
spiritual communities. It is not my style to read poems in high voices and smile vacu-
ously to prove that Im a spiritual person while simultaneously backstabbing people to
try to get somewhere socially (I had seen what I perceived as these unfortunate human
behaviours displayed in our group and I was arrogant and disdainful in my naivet of the
journey ahead what a brat!). In short, I wanted to preserve my individual way of ex-
pressing myself, my sense of integrity, my personal pride etc and his demand for what I
thought of as insincere posturing disgusted me. Guru did not like what he termed as my
incapacity when he would give me something, when we would take a picture, when-
ever. He called it criminal if you couldnt smile. He was consistently displeased with
this aspect of my life. I was consistently uncomprehending of his position, challenged,
baffled, confused. I thought it was a silly trivial thing, and I just wasnt going to spend
my time in America to come away with their cheesy have a nice day kind of insincere
behaviours. I tried, believe me, again and again to make what I called a sincere smile
(better than the other two-faced losers) to please him largely so he would just shut up.
My heart was not in it because I just didnt get it. It only got Guru more critical and me
more belligerent and distressed by turns. And so it went on. But a real Guru never
gives up on a message he wants to drive home and, oh yes, hes the master of pa-
tience and timing!
I would get back the pictures of us and peruse them to see what I looked like could it
be as bad as all that, or was he just a grumpy old man that got out of bed the wrong
side that day? Sometimes he would have us stand there by ourselves and he would
take these pictures (always taken at a total slant for some strange reason) of us. I
would try, try, try to smile. But it always looked like something else, something uncom-
fortable, there was a blockage. My friends would tell me, Bithika, he just wants to see
teeth, doesnt matter what you feel like, just show your teeth for Gods sake! They
were sick of the whole affair by now, and so was I! I tried the teeth trick but it felt like I
was missing the point. Of course there were many other interactions over the years, but
invariably whenever I would turn up in New York for our weeks of what we call Celebra-
tions, one of the first interactions would often be that old chestnut of why I wasnt smil-

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ing properly/enough/soulfully/cheerfully/self-givingly etc. It sounds like a story that will
come to a tidy climax where I will have an epiphany and well both have a laugh. It
wasnt really how it happened.
All this smiling business coincided with my pockets of depression. Its one of those
things that I understand only in hindsight. Forces from within me were playing out some
dark history or drama such that I went through pockets of depression in my spiritual
quest I hear that this is not uncommon as we unravel previous behaviour patterns built
up over centuries. When I would see him and he would make these comments I see
now that he was applying an equal and opposite force to counteract this on so many
levels. Those little acid comments fell into my heart and gradually grew into a few dif-
ferent trees of strength not first without releasing floods of tears and pain that were
deeply rooted in my heart and for which I had no explanation. Every visit to New York
would be accompanied by hours of tears deeply cleansing, cathartic experiences that
left me so much lighter at the end.
I began to realise the power of what I initially termed fake it till you make it in other
words, having the vision of a particular consciousness and then taking on the outer ac-
coutrements of it initially and trying to live it aspirationally at least and then drawing the
essence of it down into that shell by degrees. Kind of putting on the uniform so you can
play the part a somewhat back-door approach to getting somewhere spiritually with
difficult sea-change elements of spiritual transformation (but Im a firm believer in what-
ever works now!). I realised that the simple act of smiling was almost like a commit-
ment to the Light that you were willing to play ball, it was an invocation, an invitation to
higher forces to bless you, it was a receptivity to something vast, something greater
than the identification of how little i feels right now (e.g., not in the mood for a smile).
It was a recognition that there is a perfect higher consciousness inside our being and all
that separates us from it is the veil of our self-identification. That self-identification has
had centuries of investment moral, emotional, mental, social investment that have
been made into it. And yet, it is merely like a piece of cloth. The choice is there to
throw it off. The choice is something that can be made in a second. What may have
been guiding and moulding us over centuries of growth, at some point becomes a limit-
ing, not protecting cover. The tree outgrows the plastic sheeting, the caged animal re-
turns to the natural habitat this was my Gurus call to me to throw my human moral-
ity and pride aside and stand up as the being of Light that he insisted on seeing me as.
Human life had taught me that a smile was not useful, but the divine life demands us to
smile as it is by nature a radiant sun that must offer itself to all those around. When we
value ourselves, our own divinity enough, we awake to the divine life, and commit our-
selves to it, we are transformed.
And so a smile became my emblem for change, for growth. I saw it as my commitment
to a higher consciousness as my self-offering, as a way to express my gratitude for
existence on this earth, for that capacity to value Light and hold it at the earth plane. It
was unimaginably powerful when this started to finally burn through my life, illumining so
many of the dark corners. Added into this was Gurus ever present quest for his chil-
dren to bring sweetness into human life another pride-smasher for an independent
feminist who wanted to find her way as a cool and powerful woman, in any way but via

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the stereotypically sweet, mild and bending traditional female values that I associated
with centuries of neglect, abuse and servitude! I am not sure how I swallowed that one,
but once the penny had started to drop with the smile issue, I realised this one had to go
too. It all fell into place and I gradually learn that we cannot hold onto any preconceived
ideas about who we are, or who we should or want to be. The divine Light is not any of
it, but a pure electricity that we put the ridiculous shades onto, and can just as easily
take them off if we have the courage.
I now see real strength as the simple qualities of the heart a willingness to smile and
offer of oneself, the sweet and childlike approach to life which is ever fresh, pure and
innocent and not as the rigid, brittle morality and integrity which so often fails to fulfil
us emotionally and spiritually in the final analysis, and which is the source of so many of
the detrimental conditions of this earth. I find Gurus message one that I can build my
entire existence upon: follow your heart, follow your heart, follow your heart I hope
that he can feel my tears of gratitude for the immense power he sent into my heart just
by opening this small ridiculous topic.
Sri Chinmoy was a true master. His skill with his disciples training was very exact. If
you were hungry, you would get food, and you would get whatever you needed in the
way of challenge to stimulate growth you had better be ready if you asked! He knew
what he was doing. There was no way to fool him, or to subvert him. I witnessed his
as he called it - two-pence-worth occult powers on many occasions. Even though he
considered these things spiritually next to useless, they came to him like drinking water,
and with such power that you could be continents away, just about to do something you
should not, and he would stop you by calling or sending some message or via some
other unimaginable occurrence at the very time. Sometimes he would be compassion-
ate and make it look like a random coincidence, other times he would be very sharp and
you would not get away with it. To me he embodied Supreme Power, but under com-
plete control. I was afraid at times, but his one downfall was his compassion. He had a
capacity for forgiveness that would literally obliterate like a mother the others misde-
meanours and draw them close over and over again, no matter what they had done
wrong or how poisonous they proved to be. While we all benefitted from this at times,
he suffered and he drank our poison. But then he was training us to become as he was,
learning these behaviours so that one day we too will be bound to endure pain and suf-
fering to offer ourselves to those around us. It is a model for a divine world based on a
self-giving divinity. This was the mixture of his childlike heart and warrior persona.
There was nobility and a true statesmanship that benchmarked its own standards in
public life, and never stooped to reflect the behaviours that were thrown on it from the
world around. I saw this, I admired this, I adored it and I would dearly love to emulate it.
I had unfortunate friends who were hungry and demanded experience beyond their ca-
pacity because they felt it would boost their social position and just out of general igno-
rance they couldnt deal with the result at all and before long they had denounced
there ever having been Truth and given up spiritual pursuit on principle. Their hunger
was mixed with a personal greed and I watched their journey with pain, as they were
close friends, and with a sense that it could so easily be me. The goal is oneness with a
vast universal consciousness beyond the personal ego, and on the way their personal

18
greed was blown open and they did not have the strength to overcome it and jump to
the wider consciousness. It is a very real danger when the timing of growth is not re-
spected the cake is pulled out of the oven yet to be fully cooked because of the impa-
tience to eat it, and it flops and gives you a stomach pain. I said goodbye to those
friends as their reality shrunk to the painful stump of their personal anger being bran-
dished at the infinite Guru often got the brunt of their anger, and I understood in one
way because his messages for us were often infuriating and painful, but there was a
choice and they chose to remain with a smaller part of their being for a while longer. He
was not afraid to draw that response either, as growth always came first, and this was a
territorial risk he made himself vulnerable to.
I walked on, renewing my commitment to losing myself as much as possible and not
seeking or building any part of my reality on an outer validation for my individuality that
would bind me when I needed to become free. But I understand the human need for
validation, it is difficult to remain unvalidated by the world around you it is a challenge
of a very deep spiritual nature and one that Guru braved again and again himself.
Every length of the road has tests that you need to pass in order to have the capacity to
take the next curve. You have to respect the order of this or there is danger. The Guru
helps you to get the best possible opportunities. He bargains for you and prepares the
way for you and tells you of the dangers and helps you through the challenges. But
most of all he believes in you and challenges you to grow where others would tell you to
stop dreaming. When you are ready, he will not let you shirk the challenge. He has
been there. He is master of Time and Space and knows the methods that will work. I
saw him caution my friends in so many ways and for so many years before they bit off
more than they could chew, but I also saw him finally allow them the choice to make
their own destiny. And I know he will be with them through their suffering, be the source
of renewed hope at some stage, and in due course lift them back up to continue on with
increased wisdom. The road is very long. It began for me before my mind existed to try
to make sense of things, and it will continue on long after my mental capacities dissolve
away only my soul will live to tell the tale. And my soul will always be guided by my
beloved Guru Sri Chinmoy, for he lit the flames in my heart, has watched over them like
a mother for so many years, and is inextricably linked to my existence.
And so I am my Gurus disciple I respect Time and Space and Matter and all the pa-
rameters of earthly life, but no more than necessary. I have seen a reality beyond
these. I have learned that patience, poise, a relentless aspiration and most of all a
world-class Guru open doors and make the impossibilities of the human condition melt
away for the birth of a higher consciousness. And I consider it my good fortune to be
flowering spiritually far beyond anything I could have ever deserved
Bithika

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 Bithika ODwyer Photos II

Bithika ODwyer with the World Harmony Run, June 2009

Bithika ODwyer (bottom row, left) with friends from the Cambridge Sri Chinmoy Centre
on a fun excursion to Thetford Forest, 2009

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