Kylee McCluskey

COMM 2110

Relational Change Project

Date: April 19, 2017

Final Report

In this paper I will outline my personal change project. My goal was to

communicate with others to get a full story instead of aggressively assuming
or ruining friendships. Below I talk about my unwanted communication
patterns with examples of how my normal communication was in the past.
Constraints that I have had during my project, implementations on how I
handled changes, and my positive results. I share some strategies I used
which were perception checking, and learning how to correctly apologize and
be assertive. Lastly I explain my recommendations for the future.

Unwanted Communication Pattern

My current communication habit is ineffective because I come on to strong
when it is not needed, and dont have all the information. I am blunt and
dont normally show a lot of emotions when I am talking to someone. That
includes making jokes that not everyone finds funny, or if someone becomes
offended by what I say I ignore it instead of apologizing. If I communicate
this way a negative side effect would be that people think I am rude and
aggressive. I would come off as not having any emotions. This
communication style could prevent future relationships from forming or dent
already existing ones.

Here are some examples below:

One example of a time when my unwanted communication pattern

took place was when a group of friends and I were out getting ice
cream at Cold Stone. We were all having a good time talking. There
was one girl there that I had only met a couple times and wasnt very
close with but we knew each other. This instance took place about 2
years ago, shortly after the news was talking about Ray Rice beating
up his wife in the elevator. We were all talking about that and I said she
probably deserved it. I was half kidding and half serious. My friends are
of course used to me saying comments like this, but the one girl took
my comment to heart. She didnt say anything about it there, but from
 then on she decided she full on hated me. I then used another bad
communication strategy of avoidance. Since everyone let me know she
hated me and she showed it by giving me dirty looks and ignoring me,
I always just smile and ignored her. It went on for a year before she
apologized to me.

Another time of this unwanted communication pattern would be when

my friend pulled into my drive way to drop me off, as I was getting my
stuff together to get out of her car my mom didnt see us and backed
her car into my friends. I was shocked and wasnt sure what to do. My
mom got out of her car, gave me a dirty look, and started walking into
the house. I was upset with her actions so I said Why are you giving
me that dirty ass look, youre the one that backed into us?? To which
she yelled back Well dont have your fucking friends park in my drive
way! which they usually dont but since she was dropping me off
thats what we usually do. Luckily there wasnt any damage to either
car, but we avoided each other all day.

One more example would be when Madi and I after class when we were
walking to the car and I was telling her about something so
unimportant, just rambling, but she was on her phone and didnt hear
it so she asked me to repeat myself. Since it wasnt important I didnt
want to say it again so I said You were on your phone, I am not
repeating myself. I didnt mean for it to come out sounding so rude
but it did. So there was tension between us and we were quiet almost
the whole ride home

Strategies
When I learned in my interpersonal communications class that there are
useful strategies to have better relationships with others I wanted to use
them in my daily conversations to see if there was a significant difference.
Below are some of the strategies I have learned and/or used.

1) One strategy that is very helpful is perception checking (Beebe, Beebe,

Redmond, 2014, p.81). There are two times, direct and indirect
perception checking that are both useful depending on the situation
youre in. Indirect perception checking is looking for more information
by either listening to someones words or body language, or by tone of
 voice, or body language and other non- verbal cues. There is also
direct perception checking which is when you ask if what youre
thinking is correct and using their non-verbal cues as reasons why you
think this. This will help the other person understand your thinking as
well. This will help get all the information needed so I dont jump to
conclusions. I will avoid any fundamental attribution errors by looking
at the big picture, becoming aware of how others perceive me,
increase conscious awareness by being more mindful. I will be other-
oriented, and check perceptions.

2) How to Apologize (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond, 2014, p.178), an apology

means an Explicit admission of an error, along with a request for
forgiveness. It is best not to apologize right after the error and give it
a little bit of time, for each of you to calm down and it also makes it
seem more forgiving because youve put more thought into what
youve done wrong. I expected this strategy to help me for when I do
come off as aggressive and needed to save face and the relationship

3) How to Be Assertive (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond, 2014, p.179) being

assertive means make requests, ask for information, stand u0 for your
rights, and generally peruse your own bet interests without denying
your partners rights. This will help me get what I need while also not
bringing down my partner or friend.

4) Solve Problems rather Than Control (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond, 2014,

p.176). This is one of my favorite strategies to use now. By saying
what seems to be the problem and How can we fix this situation
instead of barking orders or being demanding is a good way to solve
problems happily.

5) Halo/Horn effect. The Halo effect is assigning more traits we like to

people with some likable traits. The Horn effect is the same thing but
with negative traits. It is good to realize when we do this so we know if
we are making the right decisions or not. Especially with the horn
effect so we dont continue not liking someone off of one thing. This
will help build better relationships.

Constraints
I noticed one big constraint while using the strategies above was that the
other person I am talking to wouldnt respond with what I needed to continue
my part of the conversation. This would be frustrating and harder for me to
continue without becoming aggressive. For example if I am trying to get my
feelings across using I statements or asking a question and the other
person doesnt follow some of the steps and puts me down I have tried
explaining to them my interpersonal communications class and the steps to
resolve our issue and the other person has not cared to continue with me.
Another constraint was trying to remember to use these strategies in
everyday talk. It was easier to remember to use them during arguments
where I wanted to win rather than normal conversation.

Implementation
To enact the new behavior I would have to close my eyes and take a few
breathes before responding. Another way to keep up with using the
strategies was to always have my journals on my mind. I noticed it was
easier to remember to use these strategies if I needed to write one of my
two journals for the week.

I made big changes with friends and family in a positive way. I can still work on the initial
conversation/communication, but saving face and making up for being aggressive using some of
the strategies above has saved a lot of strain from my relationships. For example from my journal
when my mom hit my friends car I was able to have a rational conversation with my
friend and take the time to apologize to my mom by studying up and thought
about what to say first. I expressed that I shouldnt have reacted the way I
did and that I didnt know what to do in the situation. She told me that she
Felt like an idiot for hitting her car and helped me understand her side of
things. From there we fixed the tension on our relationship within the same
day which otherwise could have taken a lot more time. I tried to fix the
constraints from the last section by really explaining to the other person that
I am working on fixing my own communication pattern but I am still learning
myself and to work with me the best we both could. I didnt plan to achieve
this yet but the only thing I want to achieve in the future is to have good
communication with someone I am in an intimate relationship with because
that is why my past relationships have failed. I am excited though for the
future, the next time I am in one that I will be able to apply everything I have
learned and have great communication with them.

Results
All and all I think that I had some really positive results from trying these
strategies out in my real life. This has resulted in me having happier
relationships with friends and family. I was more able to think about others
feelings instead of just my own. These are strategies that I will definitely take
with me for the rest of my life. The only negative outcome I can think of from
this project is that I am always over thinking about what should be done or
said, or what could have been done or said better. Almost everything turned
out how I would have expected them to through using the interpersonal
communication theories. There were times it didnt pan out the way I
expected and that was only when talking with my dad. I would try and solve
issues and he would rather yell no matter what. Even when it was my mom
and I trying to explain the situation and that we wanted to fix the problem
and not elevate it more, he would just say Yeah, okay in response. I am
satisfied with the changes I have made for myself this semester in class and
my attempt at changes show that these examples work most of the time.

Recommendations
I plan on always using these strategies in the future because so far they
have been very helpful. I would like to learn new and more strategies as well
as work on the ones I already know continuously. I also plan to still journal in
the future to keep track of my changes and to help me continue making
positive communication changes in my life. I will also remember primacy and
recency theory and not let those effect my relationship either. Another
strategy I could use in the future is managing goals. Manage Goals (Beebe,
Beebe, Redmond, 2014, p.247) identify your own goal and your partners
goal, figure out where they overlap and to manage the goal: separate the
people from the problem, focus on shared interests, generate many options,
and make decisions off criteria. Then use problem solving, define the
problem, analyze problem, determine goals, generate multiple solutions, and
select the best solution. Using these steps helps both people in the party
save face.

Works Cited

Describe Your Feelings, Rather Than Evaluate Behavior (Beebe, Beebe,

Redmond, 2014, p.174)
How to Apologize (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond, 2014, p.178)/ Describe Your
Feelings, Rather Than Evaluate Behavior (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond, 2014,
p.174)

How to Apologize (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond, 2014, p.178)

Indirect Perception checking (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond, 2014, p.81)

How to Be Assertive (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond, 2014, p.179)

How to Use Words of Support (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond, 2014, p.173)

Assertiveness vs Aggressiveness (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond, 2014, p.180)

Elaborated code (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond, 2014, p.177)

Solve Problems rather Than Control (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond, 2014, p.176)

Halo/horn (notes from class)

Manage Goals (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond, 2014, p.247)