Term Paper

Take a look back in time, back to the days of chivalry, white picket fences, drive-in

movies, and most importantly, romance. Old love stories of moonlit walks and fancy dinners

seem to be met with modern versions including drunken bar hookups and cheap tinder date

meals. Have people and their perspectives really changed that much? And is it actually

important for relationship success?

My parents were in the same high school graduating class. They were friends but never

dated until they met again around a decade later. My dad proposed under fireworks on New

Years Eve, they had a small family wedding in Hawaii, and have been together ever since. I

would have imagined that such a romantic history would go along with pretty romanticized

views of marriage. That assumption was wildly incorrect. When asked what the purpose of

marriage was, both my mom and dad first responded to start a family. This is one instance

in which they believe it is essential because its nicer for the children. My mom elaborated

that marriage is lovely and she is so happy that she is married but it is an advantageous

nicety in most cases.

My parents purely institutional views of marriage do not extend to relationships

though. They believe the purpose of marriage is to provide a stable structure for children, but

believe a successful partnership is the prerequisite. This is rooted in the capability of a couple to

function together, trust each another, commit, and have fun. Their belief is that marriage should

not (and would not) even be a consideration if you are not in love and enjoying the experiences

of your life with this other person.

 Following up, I questioned whether or not there would be any reason for a couple who

does not want children to get married. Their answer? No, no specific reason unless they both

wanted to. Slightly shocked, I began to question whether my parents were committed to the

idea of commitment. I posed the theory to them that couples who are not married are more likely

to split up because they do not have to handle the complex process of a divorce. They retorted

that without children, a divorce is not that much more difficult than a break-up. The signing of a

few legal papers is the easiest part its the emotional and psychological separation that makes it

hard and thats unavoidable, whether youre married or not.

In other words, it should not take a piece of paper to make you more committed to someone.

I asked Jenny, a 19-year-old student, what she thought the purpose of marriage was as

well. She replied that it was to feel stable, self-assured, and confident that you will be with that

person, as well as stupid stuff like health insurance. Her focus and endeavoring for

relationship stability and consistency could be immediately linked back to a desire to replicate

the conditions of her comfortable childhood in an upper-middle class family with both her

married parents.

What throws off this instant connection, though, is that my dad grew up in very similar

situations, yet he never mentioned relationship constancy as a major concern, treating it more

as a given. Allie, another student, also believes marriage is a binding re-assurance that you will

be with someone (and also noted the legalities that make it beneficial). Alexandra, a 19-year-

old child of divorce, again stresses that stability and knowing someone will be there through the

tough times are the number one features, as well as having a companion to share ones best life

moments with.
 Beginning to notice a trend, I realized that maybe it is not a presence or lack of family

structure that causes this obsession with securing relationship exclusivity, but rather the state of

dating culture nowadays. All three of these girls go to school in major cities, and therefore are

exposed to a seemingly unlimited number of people. There is a vast number of alternatives to a

given partner at any given time. According to Levingers Social Exchange Theory, this can

destabilize a relationship, and make people more likely to leave. Moreover, modern society

valorizes individual happiness meaning that there are fewer barriers to breakups as it is quite

socially acceptable.

The rise of social media and online dating options has also transformed the way people

look at their dating options. There is constant comparison, all day, every day, that no longer is

restricted to those who we see in real life, or even within our nations borders. Opportunities to

meet and interact with people are everywhere, so with such an abundance of options, it seems

it would be extremely limiting to date one person. It could also be argued that individuals have

higher expectations nowadays with more details and meticulous criteria for potential partners.

When asked what they look for in a partner, my parents both emphasized the importance of

having similar interests and someone you enjoy spending time with. They did not believe there was

any specific age to get married, and believe that things should fall into place naturally

developing from friendly interaction to exclusivity and affection. This went along with their

notion that there is no specified amount of time people should date before marriage because

everyone is different in my moms words: sometimes people just click and hit it off and in

my dads: some people you can figure out right away, sometimes it takes longer, and sometimes

you just know.

 The one thing that my mom thought was important was that the person is motivated in

their life, and my dad added that if they had a direction or focus that would help, but they both

stressed nothing is an absolute given leaving the door open for meeting the person you

didnt know you needed. This sort of romantic ambiguity is less common among our age group

Alexandra specified that the good age to get married is 25 to 27, Jenny said that she would

want her boyfriend to have slept with approximately 5 people, and had expectations that the guy

should open doors, be ambitious, and have a stable career. Furthermore, this goes along with the

idea that feminism is putting pressure on marriages to be fulfilling for women as they are

capable of being self-sufficient without men. The romance of a damsel in distress being saved by

her prince is desired by ever fewer women as they seek independence and equality.

Not only do people themselves think of their own dating alternatives, but also how

easily they could be replaced in the eyes of a partner. Marriage is a way to lock someone (and

hopefully their love) down and feel secure in this world of casual hookups and one night stands.

Much of our generation seems paranoid, potentially due to divorce culture. The common

institutional interpretation of marrying to start a family or acting as a type of formalization, is

replaced by the understanding of marriage as an assurance of security.

Arthur Aron describes love not as an emotion but as a drive. Using this theory, it could

be understood that although the strive for love has not changed, it is possible for people to have

taken on new methods to achieve and maintain it. It seems that a less romantic approach is more

common nowadays -- reflected in the statements of the the three girls I interviewed especially

Jenny and Allie. Both of them are in casual, undefined relationships and neither had any sort of

dream wedding. For them, it is easier not to define a relationship or to be friends with benefits
or because a relationship is bound to end, but friendships arent. When asked, Jenny said she

believes that the best way to meet and see someone is a situation where you can see each

other regularly. Sober.

I laughed wow that sounds absolutely magical, noting that I was glad she specified

sober as a key detail. Her statement echoes a modern standpoint in which a partner should be

someone who fits in with ones own life, and who would almost fit into the friends-with-

benefits category. As a very-academically focused, pre-med student, Jenny already has a busy

life incorporating volunteering, schoolwork and friends. Realistically, having a boyfriend

would be time consuming and is not a priority for her right now. Emphasizing this even more,

Jenny commented that a serious marriage-material relationship should come at a point in

your life when you have already decided what you are doing with your life, and are on the path

to achieving it.

Alexandra, in the same school program, does have a boyfriend, although much of their

time together is spent studying rather than what one would consider a typical date. Again, this

is an example of how relationships are often subordinate to education and personal successes.

Today, schools are getting harder, and work days are getting longer. Products, housing, and

tuition is becoming increasingly unaffordable, especially in metropolitan areas like New York.

Do individuals make less time for relationships nowadays? It appears as if many people

definitely want to get married and date seriously someday, but have better things to focus on

right now. Dating currently is seen as more of a chore something less enjoyable, and

inexplicably difficult. The increase of responsibilities outside interpersonal relationships means

people are preoccupied with their jobs and their own endeavors to put effort into other people.
 I was surprised to find out that, as a child of divorce, Alexandra actually had the most

romantic approach to marriage out of the three girls from my generation who I talked to.

Originally, I thought that having divorced parents would disillusion her image of marriage.

Alexandra, though, places a high value on marriage and is cautious. She is quick to respond to

being treated incorrectly, and will not stand for being with someone who does not value her. Her

more romanticized approach could be a hopeful envisioning of a marriage that would not end

like her parents.

Although my parents, Jenny, and Alexandra have varying opinions and backgrounds, key

aspects of their mindset suggest that they all have foundations for a successful relationship and

marriage. My mom and dads successful marriage seems to align with Belsky & Hsiehs

predictors of initial and prolonged marital success. Just talking to them over the phone to conduct

this interview I witnessed a great deal of compatibility in terms of common perspectives as well

as supportiveness. If one of them mentioned a point the other didnt agree with, they talked

through it and usually ended up coming to a common solution. For example, when I asked if

there were gender roles in marriage, my mom replied in ours? Yes, but my dad countered that

he didnt think so. He explained that the fact she was responsible for cooking and keeping the

house in order was simply because he was in the role of the breadwinner and it just worked out

that way. My mom accepted this and ended up agreeing that the deciding factor would be based

on earnings rather than gender, but more often than not, it is the man who works.

Jenny and Alexandra both are on the path to being highly educated individuals who

want to wait until they are older to dive into marriage two factors which greatly improve their

chances of being in long-lasting marriages. Additionally, although they do not have extremely
romantic approaches to relationships, it can be argued that a strong companionship is

significantly more important. The inclusion of what could be considered old school romance

may simply be outdated and not a factor in relationship success.

The role and opinions of romance people have is largely based on a combination of the

societal norms of the generation in which someone has grown up, as well as the lessons they

learn from their parents relationships. In this day and age, companionate love is seen as more

typical than romantic love. There is emphasis on trust and attachment, rather than passion, and

ideas of true love. It seems more common now to seek someone who fits in with your own

life plans not someone who sweeps you off your feet. People are less willing to sacrifice

personal accomplishments to be with someone. In general, our generation just seem to be

worse at romantic endeavors. Attempts at it may be successful, but there is generally less

natural finesse and more calculated moves.

Fairytale romances and knights in shining armor may be fading into the background,

but love is and will continue to be in the forefront.