Moore 1

Andeja Moore

UWRT 1104

Lecturer Jizi

Personal Essay: Past Authoring

I suppose I will tell the story about someone who used to be a friend. Her name was

Kim. We met in a sophomore homeroom at East Mecklenburg High School. She was very quiet,

with fair skin and hair as dark as midnight. She sat silently behind my friend Tim. We would

casually try to joke with her and after a while she warmed up to us. One day on my way to class,

I noticed Kim took the same route and I felt as though I should speak. I am a very shy person

and I did not know Kim that well so complimenting her outfit seemed to be the easiest thing to

do without being too awkward. She was very surprised I even spoke to her, but she seemed glad.

Kim told me that the dress was made by her grandmother and from that point on we became

friends.

According to her we would have crossed paths sooner but she did not go to Northwest

School of the Arts (she auditioned for dance, got accepted but did not attended the school). I

went to Northwest for 6th through 8th grade studying visual arts and musical theatre. I loved that

school so much but I left. I wanted to pursue normal high school experiences which after

leaving I knew I didnt want. No one at East had any idea of what Northwest was and how much

it meant to me. The friends I made at that school meant everything to me and I just thought Kim

would be the same. Besides having a love for the arts, we both loved traveling and had a passion

for knowledge.
 Moore 2

Kim was a great girl with a rough life at home and I wanted to help her through that.

She was being sexually abused by her uncle and blamed herself for all it. I did not experience

the same pain as Kim, but I knew we were carrying the same baggage. I wanted to give her what

I did not have during my time of need, someone to care. In the beginning, I did not understand

how unstable she was until one night she calls crying. She told me about what her uncle did to

her and how much she could not stand to live another day. I was so shocked and confused. Then

out of nowhere she hangs up. At that moment, my heart dropped. I thought she was really going

to kill herself. I called her back to back, but she did not answer. I could not stop trying, so I kept

calling and texting her thinking hopefully shell pick up. She did not. I called her ex, which also

happened to be a friend of mine, to call her to make sure she was alright. Even though they were

exes they truly did care for one another and I knew if he couldnt get through to her no one

could. Twenty minute later she calls back and says Oh I was just eating dinner. I was so

relieved but still very confused. We would text every day, because I wanted to make sure she

was alright. I would listen to all of her insecurities, worries and problems.

To keep herself distracted from home she focused her time on boys. For example, there

was a guy in my Spanish class, named Montana, she liked and flirted with all the time. Kim

loved the idea that he was bad and she wanted to change that. We had multiple discussions

about how you cant change people but she did not care. He had a girlfriend but they always

claimed they were just friends. No one really believed that. The guys Kim claimed as friends

always wanted something more than just friendship. That summer Kim was going to her

cousins wedding in Hawaii. That week we did not talk until she got back into town. She saw

Montana there too! His cousin got married to Kims cousin, so that makes them cousins.
 Moore 3

Montana still had a crush on Kim the following year but she wanted nothing to do with him. To

this day, I find that super funny and flat out ridiculous.

For my 16th birthday my mother was going to throw me a surprise party with the help of

Kim. Unfortunately, that didnt happen. Kim told my mother I had no friends and I talked to no

one at school. She suggested that I should have a family dinner instead. My mother was so

confused by her response because that sounded nothing like me. I do not consider myself a

social butterfly because social settings are cool but also nerve wracking. However, I did have

friends. I am notorious for keeping my multiple friend groups separate. It felt good to have a

different group of people to handle certain situations in your life. Intermingling them would just

cause chaos because they were all so different. From that point on my mother knew Kim was no

good. I told her Kim is just really shy and did not know what to do.

Honestly, she knew almost nothing about me. I did not want to lay my baggage on her,

she had enough. Also, even if I did she would not listen or laugh it off. My love for her started

to slip away. Overall I still enjoyed being around her but the little things would make me mad.

East Mecklenburg is an IB school and are social classes mean everything. The students are

literally divided into standard, AP and IB. The IB kids for the most part went to middle school

together and spent all four years of high school together as well. The IB kids were considered

the best of the best and a tight knit community because all of your classes had almost the same

group of people. The downside of being an IB kid was the competitiveness. I love a good

competition but being a sore winner is uncalled for. She was becoming a whole new person.

Kim was very smart but she always felt the need to always remind us. When I say us I mean

our friends, classmates and teachers. No one wants to hear about Euclidean geometry during a

statistics lesson or have a conversation about neurobiology while eating lunch. I knew the Kim
 Moore 4

that was down to Earth and super funny instead she was becoming a clone of those pretentious

jerks who felt like they knew everything and looked down on everyone else.

Out of our mutual friends I was the only one who realized this. I appreciate sarcasm as

much as the next person but Kims was hurtful. No one noticed because she would smile and

giggle but in actuality she was just being mean. Grades played a big role in the social structure

of the IB community because that and community service was the only things keeping any of us

in the program. One random day during lunch junior year the guidance counselors decide to hand

out unofficial transcripts. I really wanted to mine and I was expecting nothing but the best. To

promote some friendly competition my friends and I guessed who had the highest GPA. Of

course, everyone picked themselves. When the moment of truth came, I had one of the highest

GPAs. Kim accused me of making Cs & Ds and of course my GPA would look good because it

was weighted. That had me mad because I do not like it when people try to undermine my hard

work or try to make me look bad if front of others. I was determined to prove her wrong. As we

started drifting apart, she started using my words out of context. Our reactions to the break up

were different she would go play victim, and I did not bring up. It was no one elses business.

While she was collecting sympathy, I tried to act as though my world was not falling apart. After

a while I gave up on Kim.

Being friends with Kim taught me, no one has to put up with a toxic relationship.

Unfortunately, dealing with her added more fuel to the flame. Ive been a closed off person for a

very long time but after her Im afraid to get close to anyone else. It sounds crazy because we

were just friends, but that friendship really took a toll on me. I cannot tell who is trustworthy

and who is not, so I push everyone away equally. Im trying to open up more but I am

comfortable in my shell. Also, I learned that I am the kind of person who puts their all into a
 Moore 5

relationship. I suppose I get caught up the idea that someone cares for me as I do for them so I

will literally give them the world on a silver platter. I am blinded from their apathy towards me

because in my mind everything is fine. Afterwards when I do realize it was all a faade I blame

myself. And think of all the things I could have done differently.
 Moore 6

Personal Essay: Past Authoring Draft 2

Honestly, I find this topic very hard to answer. Every event I can think of connects to

something else, which it should since they are a part a chain of events. The event on its own will

not make sense especially since I do not want to go into an extreme amount of details. The

generalized story will not make sense and the detailed story makes me question my reliability of

the whole situation.

I suppose I will tell the story about someone who used to be a friend. Her name was

Kim. We met in our sophomore homeroom in high school. She was very quiet, with fair skin and

hair as dark as midnight. She sat silently behind my friend Tim. We would casually try to joke

with her and after a while she warmed up to us. One day on my way to class I noticed Kim took

the same route and I felt as though I should speak. I am a very shy person and I did not know

Kim that well so complimenting her outfit seemed to be the easiest thing to do without being too

awkward. She was very surprised I even spoke to her, but she seemed glad. Kim told me that

the dress was made by her grandmother and from that point on we became friends.

According to her we would have crossed paths sooner but she did not go to Northwest

School of the Arts (she auditioned for dance, got accepted but did not attended the school).

Hearing that made me want to get to know her even more (most of the kids at East did not know

what Northwest was and to find another person who does had me ecstatic). We both had a love

for the arts, knowledge and traveling.

Kim was a great girl with a rough life at home and I wanted to help her through that. In a

way I felt as though we were one in the same. I did not experience the same pain as Kim, but I

knew we were carrying the same baggage. I wanted to give her what I did not have during my
 Moore 7

time of need, someone to care. We would text every day, because I wanted to make sure she was

alright. I would listen to all of her insecurities, worries and problems. To keep herself distracted

from home she focused her time on boys. She loved the idea of changing them for her own good

which I told her that was wrong and a waste of her time. There was a guy in my Spanish class

she like and flirted with all the time. The following year we found out they were cousins by

marriage. To this day, I find that super funny and flat out ridiculous.

For my 16th birthday my mother was going to throw me a surprise party with the help of

Kim. Unfortunately, that didnt happen. Kim told my mother I had no friends and I talked to no

one at school so I should have a family dinner instead. My mother was so confused by her

response because that sounded nothing like me. I do not consider myself a social butterfly

because social settings are cool but also nerve wracking. However, I did have friends. I am

notorious for keeping my multiple friend groups separate. It felt good to have a different group

of people to handle certain situations in your life. Intermingling them would just cause chaos

because they were all so different. From that point on my mother knew Kim was no good. I told

her Kim is just really shy and does not like to be in the spotlight.

Honestly, she knew almost nothing about me because I did not want to lay my baggage

on her, she had enough. Also, even if I did she would not listen or laugh it off. My love for her

started to slip away. Overall I still enjoyed being around her but the little things would make me

mad. So East Mecklenburg is an IB school the students are literally divided into standard, AP

and IB. The IB kids for the most part went to middle school together and spent all four years of

high school together as well. The IB kids were considered the best of the best and a tight knit

community because all of your classes had almost the same group of people. The downside of

being an IB kid was the competitiveness. I love a good competition but being a sore winner is
 Moore 8

uncalled for. She was becoming a whole new person. Kim was very smart but she always felt

the need to remind us. When I say us I mean our friends, classmates and teachers. No one

wants to hear about Euclidean geometry during a statistics lesson or have a conversation about

neurobiology while eating lunch. I knew the Kim that was down to Earth and super funny

instead she was becoming a clone of those pretentious jerks who felt like they knew everything

and looked down on everyone else.

Out of our mutual friends I was the only one who realized this. I appreciate sarcasm as

much as the next person but Kims was hurtful. No one noticed because she would smile and

giggle but in actuality she was just being mean. Grades played a big role in the social structure

of the IB community because that and community service was the only things keeping any of us

in the program. One random day during lunch junior year the guidance counselors decide to hand

out unofficial transcripts. I really wanted to mine and I was expecting nothing but the best. To

promote some friendly competition my friends and I guessed who had the highest GPA. Of

course, everyone picked themselves. When the moment of truth came, I had one of the highest

GPAs. Kim accused me of making Cs & Ds and of course my GPA would look good because it

was weighted. That had me mad because I do not like it when people try to undermine my hard

work or try to make me look bad if front of others. I was determined to prove her wrong. As we

started drifting apart, she started using my words out of context and for a while everyone

believed what she said. Our reactions to a break up are very different she would go play

victim, and I did not bring up or went into detail about it, because it was no one elses business.

While she was collecting sympathy, I tried to act as though my world was not falling apart. After

a while I gave up on Kim.

 Moore 9

Being friends with Kim taught me that you should not put up with a toxic relationship. Which is

another problem because I am too closed off. I like to be to myself and I become social by

chance or force. Another thing is I do not trust people so by accident I do push people away.

Sometimes you do not have the power to help everyone out of their situations. I would have

literally done anything to make she Kim was okay. My major flaw in our friendship was that I

was trying too hard to keep her afloat that she literally had nothing to offer me. The most

important thing I learned from the Kim catastrophe is you should always stay true to yourself

because in the end you get what you deserve. The mutual friends Kim and I shared did come

back to me. They realized how we both handled the situation differently. Kim was a mud slinger

and I was just trying to clean her mess. I believe I won because we are all friends (except Kim)

to this day. Also, I learned that I am the kind of person who puts their all into a relationship. I

suppose I get caught up the idea that someone cares for me as I do for them so I will literally

give them the world on a silver platter. I am blinded from their apathy towards me because in

my mind everything is fine. Afterwards when I do realize it was all a faade I blame myself.

And think of all the things I could have done differently.

3-5 Concerns about my writing?

The essay itself coherent?

o Is there a sense of organization or flow? If not, how can I change that?
o Are all the ideas express clearly?
o What do you not understand about the essay?
Aside from how rough it is, would you consider it a good essay?
What are some tips you can give me about essay writing?

Rough draft
 Moore 10

Honestly, I find this topic very hard to answer. Every event I can think of connects to

something else, which it should since they are a part a chain of events. The event on its own will

not make sense especially since I do not want to go into an extreme amount of details. The

generalize story will not make sense and the detailed story makes me question my reliability of

the whole situation.

I suppose I will tell the story about someone who used to be a friend. Her name was

Kim. We met in our sophomore homeroom in high school. She was very quiet, with fair skin and

hair as dark as midnight. She sat silently behind my friend Tim. We would casually try to joke

with her and after a while she warmed up to us. I think my friendship with Kim ignited after I

complimented her on a blue floral dress she was wearing. To find out her grandmother made it

for her. From that point on we were inseparable.

According to her we would have crossed paths sooner but she did not go to Northwest

School of the Arts (she auditioned for dance, got accepted but did not attended the school).

Hearing that made me want to get to know her even more (most of the kids at East did not know

what Northwest was and to find another person who does had me ecstatic). We both had a love

for the arts, knowledge and traveling.

Kim was a great girl with a rough life at home and I wanted to help her through that. We

would text every day, because I wanted to make sure she was alright. I would listen to all of her

insecurities, worries and problems. To keep herself distracted from home she focused her time

on boys. She loved the idea of changing them for her own good which I told her that was wrong

and a waste of her time. There was a guy in my Spanish class she like and flirted with all the

time. The following year we found out they were cousins by marriage. To this day, I find that

super funny and flat out ridiculous.

 Moore 11

For my 16th birthday my mother was going to throw me a surprise party with the help of

Kim. Unfortunately, that didnt happen. Kim told my mother I had no friends and I talked to no

one at school so I should have a family dinner instead. My mother was so confused by her

response because that sounded nothing like me. From that point on my mother knew Kim was

no good. I told her Kim is just really shy and does not like to be in the spotlight.

Honestly, she knew almost nothing about me because I did not want to lay my baggage

on her, she had enough. Also, even if I did she would not listen and laugh it off. My love for her

started to slip away. She was becoming a whole new person. I knew the Kim that was down to

Earth and super funny instead she was becoming a clone of those pretentious jerks who felt like

they knew everything and looked down on ever one else.

Out of our mutual friends I was the only one who realized this. I appreciate sarcasm as

much as the next person but Kims was hurtful. No one noticed because she would smile and

giggle but in actuality she was just being mean. As we started drifting apart, she started using

my words out of context and for a while everyone believed what she said. Our reactions to a

break up are very different she would go play victim, and I did not bring up or went into detail

about it, because it was no one elses business. While she was collecting sympathy, I tried to act

as though my world was not falling apart. After a while I gave up on Kim.

Being friends with Kim taught me that you should not put up with a toxic relationship.

Which is another problem because I am too closed off. I like to be to myself and I become social

by chance or force. Another thing is I do not trust people so by accident I do push people away.

Sometimes you do not have the power to help everyone out of their situations. I would have

literally done anything to make she Kim was okay. My major flaw in our friendship was that I

was trying too hard to keep her afloat that she literally had nothing to offer me. The most
 Moore 12

important thing I learned from the Kim catastrophe is you should always stay true to yourself

because in the end you get what you deserve.

P.S. I did have to make new friends my senior year but eventually the mutual friends Kim and I

shared did come back for me. They realized how we both handled the situation differently. Kim

was a mud sling and I was just trying to clean her mess. I believe I won.

Peer Feedback

Emma Julius:

Velcro Words and Phrases:

 Moore 13

ecstatic
social butterfly
nerve wracking
pretentious jerks
IB

Feelings:

Hopeful
Annoyed
Irritated
Concerned
Aside from how rough it is, would you consider it a good essay?
Yes, it is well written and thought out.

What do you not understand about the essay?

How long did the friendship last and when did you two start drifting apart?

Are all the ideas express clearly?

Some are but others need more details like what was going on in Kim's life that she was

struggling with?

Is there a sense of organization or flow? If not, how can I change that?

The paper is well organized and it flows well from paragraph to paragraph.

Alyce Laria

Questions:

What happened to Kim in the end?

What kind of drama was Kim dealing with?
Were you able to help Kim throughout your friendship with her?

Velcro Words and Phrases

Reliability
Dark as midnight
Shy
Baggage
Insecurities
 Moore 14

Cousins by marriage
Notorious
Clone of those pretentious jerks
Accused
Collecting sympathy
Toxic relationship

Feelings

Understanding
Curious
Suspicious
Angry

Questions

How did Kim have a rough home life?

Why would she want to change herself for a boy?
Why would Kim lie and say you didnt have friends?
Why was she so mean?
Why would everyone believe her over you?

Rachel Knapp

Words and Phrases

Chain of events
Hair as dark as midnight
Baggage
Pretentious Jerks

Feelings

Upset
Irritated
 Moore 15

Melancholy
Understanding

Questions

What type of baggage did Kim have at home that may have resulted in her acting like

this?
How did you find out they were cousins?
Did more people feel the same way about Kim?

Emmanuel Ravenel

The whole passage has a sense of personal presence because it is a personal story that you

are telling us.

Being friends with Kim taught me that you should not put up with a toxic relationship.

Which is another problem because I am too closed off.

In this example, you discovered a personal truth through your experience with Kim.
No one noticed because she would smile and giggle but in actuality she was just being

mean.
This interaction with your friends shows how you are trying to connect with your "world"

or environment.
My love for her started to slip away.
You have such a colorfully use of diction that allows the reader to feel what you felt in

this moment. Your diction would be great to see more throughout your essay.
Kim was a great girl with a rough life at home
What kind of experiences did Kim go through?
lay my baggage
You have a great handle on your use of colorful language. When I revise my paper i'll

look to use more colorful language myself

I appreciate sarcasm as much as the next person but Kims was hurtful.
I would love to read about specific things that Kim did! She so interesting, like why

Kim?
 Moore 16

Reflective paragraphs

My peers really wanted to know more about Kim. For example, why did she act the way

she did, what was she going through and things of that nature. Some of the questions I

cannot answer because I just dont know. Actually, those are kind of like the same questions

I ask myself about her. The feedback about explaining important or interesting plot details

are the ones that made it into the final draft. Some of my peers suggested that I add more of

the things Kim has done but I rather not. Even though we are not friends, I do not feel right

putting all of her business out there for strangers to read.

I do not think my feedback was constructive enough because I do not trust my ability to

write. I assume someones writing is good if you can visualize what they are trying to

convey. Sort of like a mental movie. Out of all the feedback I gave to my peers, I think

Alexis Mason got the best of it. An example would be Important words/ phrases: This is

your voice. From the phrases (or idioms), you use I can imagine who you are. Or better yet I

can imagine you as a real person (not saying youre not). You are an excellent writer

because there is so much raw emotion to be felt within each sentence. I loved reading her

essay because it was like an emotional rollercoaster or a lifetime movie. Another example

would be from Emmanuel Ravenels essay As the story neared the end it did get creepier. I

think that is because you sounded so apathetic toward the whole situation. Detaching

yourself from your feelings only make it worse. You can keep running but they will catch up

one day. Honestly thats probably not the best feedback but it might be a push in the right

direction. The worst feedback I gave was most likely to Ian McKnight. I honestly did not

know how to approach his essay. I guess I was just really puzzled by the subject matter. I

know the riots happened but in a way, they did not seem real like some kind of dream. My
 Moore 17

response to reading his first paragraph was: Feelings: scared Why: I watched the news

every day that week and saw my city fall apart. I didnt think the tension was going to blow

over. It makes me uneasy just thinking about it. Honestly my first response to it was to

apologize because I a stranger to a new city the last thing you want to be introduce with is

civil unrest. I wanted to apologize for the protesters behavior towards because in Charlotte

thats not how we act. However, I know that will not make him change his mind about them.

Questions I have for you

Do you suggest that I take the grammar help in the University Writing Center?

Is the essay clearer with the added details?

Is my word choice appropriate for this assignment?

What could I improve on when it comes to sentence structure?