EIP WORK DRAFT 2: Peer Review Sheet

Reviewed by: Tyler Runfola, William Sutton

Tag, Label, Highlight, Question, Explain and Comment
A) INTRODUCTION
THE FIVE RHETORICAL TASK
1. Issue, topic, or problem identified [task 1] The impacts that sports, such as boxing have on an
athlete's later life.

1. Outlined/described that problem for the audience [task 2] The improper equipment and lack of
training are leading to poor living conditions for athletes in the later years of their life.
2. Contextualized problem by entering the conversation of prominent voices [task 3]
3. Thesis (claim + reasoning) [task 4] Considering
this, as athletes become older their
bodies deteriorate, thus making them more vulnerable to injury and other health
complications
4. Preview the kinds of evidence/ analysis thatll be employed in addressing issue [task 5] How
boxers bodies are deteriorating and how they can avoid that by taking precautions while still fighting.

1. THESIS. Locate the central persuasive stance of the essay. Underline the claim and highlight
the reasoning parts of the sentence. Evaluate the strength of the thesis as a whole and by its
component parts, the claim and proposed reasoning. I think the thesis is good but you need to
add more reasoning to make it stronger.
1. What are your concerns about this thesis?
2. What questions does the thesis immediately raise for you as a reader?

1. INTRO CONTEXT (Tasks# 1 - 3, above). Evaluate the context and shaping of the surrounding
situation. To what extent does the essay demonstrate a current, specific, exigent, particular
(non-generic) context or discourse from which the issue arises and is best understood by? Offer
probing questions, advice or feedback on the contextualization of the essays stance. This
brings up the important exigence point that we are just learning the full effects of these head
injuries and the health issues they experience later in life.

1. INTRO HOLISTIC FEEDBACK. Offer your overall thoughts / questions / suggestions /

concerns /feedback on the strengths or setbacks of the essays intro. Evaluate and give one or
two take-away ideas about the organizational, logical, rhetorical or stylistic concepts.
The first sentence is good as it makes the reader wonder what those changes are and how they
have progressed. Need to add reasoning to thesis, to make it a solid one.
1. CONSISTENT MESSAGE. Return to the introduction after reading body paragraphs: To what
extent does the essay development correspond and uphold the thesis reasoning and overall
introductory setup? Put another way: is there any disconnect between the introductions stated
direction and the actual work of the essay?

B) Essay Development: Vertical Idea/Paragraph Development .

ANATOMY OF A PERSUASIVE PARAGRAPH
 1. Topic Sentence claim
2. Set-up Ideas /introduce source
3. Evaluate and Analyze sources
4. Build insight, synthesis, implications, conclusions

1. PARAGRAPH Development.
1. Go through a full page or so of the body paragraphs (approx 3 or 4 parag.). Quickly identify
topic claim, evidence and evaluation/analysis in them. Based on patterns in your findings: Which
aspects of the anatomy of a paragraph (above) does the essay need to work on? Point to
examples where the topic claim or analysis or insight falls short of potential. I think the
development is solid, but you need to add sources, talk more about CTE as that has been a
main disease, find some articles on it and go a more in depth with it.
I agree with the first reviewer that the development over all is well done. However
just one thing, in paragraph 3 you immediately state an article and summarize the article, that is
essentially unnecessary. You could probably shorten the first sentence and just go into how the
article correlates to the context.
a. They Say I Say / Naysayers /Opposing Views. Anticipating objections and raising them
in paragraph analysis can strengthen ones position. What objections might be raised and
where? Write out your objections for the writer and offer any feedback on TSIS work. I just
think that you could work on flow just a little bit. Try briefly introducing something and then
immediately correlate that to your subject, rather than trying to summarize or talk about what is
introduced
b. Which paragraph or section was the strongest? Weakest? Feedback.
I think that your introductions to paragraphs are the best section in each. Whereas the second
to last sentence seems to be your weakest for it somewhat seems like theres not going to be a
conclusion afterwards, it just feels rambled on
a. Any recommendations on the order of the paragraph development. Is it moving
vertically and toward greater insight or randomly / tangentially / backwards / ???

1. RESEARCH AND CITATION. Source credibility can be established in many ways (a writers job,
institutional affiliation, funding sources, reputation) and as readers we take as a given that the
writer is honest and not intentionally misconstruing information. Nonetheless, a position is
strengthened by brief, clear indications of source ethos. That in mind...
a. Comment on the apparent quality of the source. Refer to Works Cited page as
needed. You need to implement more sources, which will also make your essay stronger and
give important points. You could focus more on the diseases that are being caused and the
effects of them.
Definitely agree that the use of sources and in text citation will very much better your essay and
get your point across.
a. Comment on the efficient & clear set-up of source. Note any places in need of revision.
Lacking many sources and a work cited page.
b. Comment on the appropriateness on the types of research employed. Reminder: Do
not automatically discount qualitative (non-numerical) methods of support. A logical analysis of a situation
or persuasive input from prominent voices can be as or more valuable than isolated numbers or data.
 What matters is whether intended audience will find it compelling and whether that kind of support can
contribute insight, add meaning, back-up claims, etc.
c. MLA. Note whether in-text citations and Works Cited references are accurate/need
work. Owl Purdue Citations Available here. Any other formatting issues to note?
No works cited page, however in text citations are seemingly MLA format, so thats good.

C) Concluding Considerations
1. CONCLUSION. Evaluate the effectiveness of the closing paragraph(s). In your own words,
describe and assess what you understand as the purpose of the essay (the hoped for outcome
and response from its intended audience). To what extent does the conclusion avoid merely
repeating the introduction claim and instead launch itself forward/outward and toward genuine
engagement, broader implications or actions, etc?
I like your concluding paragraph, however i do think that it drags on a little bit. It just seems a
little long for a conclusion, i would look at the motivation lines that are speaking directly to the
reader and try to either integrate them into another sentence or get rid of them. But other than
that good.

1. RHETORICAL SITUATION: Speaker, Message, Audience, Purpose, Exigency.

a. Who is the target audience and does this essay speak to their needs, interests,
concerns on this topic? How so? How not so? The target audience is athletes and probably
trainers.
The target audience is seemingly athletes or motivational athletes (i.e. trainers, speakers,
coaches, etc.) that are either in the middle of training or want to start. I would say that this essay
very well does speak to their needs or communicates with this audience well.
a. Offer a holistic response to application and demonstrated skill of the essays rhetorical
effectiveness. Consider the terms above and their complex interrelations as you discuss.
1. What was the best part of the essay? I think the aspect of Muhammed Ali, brings a good
example, but i would extend it and make more points of how Parkinsons impacted his way of
life, compared to before he had the disease.
I think your conclusion is the best aspect of your essay, you really do a good job in summarizing
your thoughts and opinions on the topic in this last paragraph.
1. Offer a final comment on the total effectiveness of the message and its development in the
essay. I think what you have is good, i would just add some more substance to it and dive
deeper into the details, because it seems more as more of an overview.
I think over all this is good, but will agree with above comment in that you could dig a bit deeper
and go into some detail. Also use your sources to get your point across.
1. Offer a final suggestion (or two) on what you see as high order concerns / areas in need of
further attention. I would focus more on the ways someone could avoid this happening to them,
like what are some ways that have been discovered since Muhammad Ali was fighting that
could help prevent others ending up like him.
I would not only look at prevention, but also look at treatment type of things. You could briefly go
into what is being done in order to help people in these situations.