Swati Jena

Harvard II XLRI II Pearson II PwC

"I just want a small help": 5 classic mistakes to AVOID while asking for
help
May 1, 2017 468 Likes 24 Comments

We all need help at times.

And wisdom says, when we do, we should have the humility to accept that we need it and ask for it.

But like everything else, there are ways to do it.

Ways that are right, and ways that are not.

Here are 4 things to NOT do while asking for help

Mistake #1) "I have to talk to you about something" - being unclear, indirect, devious
Sending vague messages like - "hey I want to talk to you about something" or "I have something to ask
you", is the most common mistake.

People use this indirect method for 2 reasons:

1. They are generally uncomfortable being straightforward

468 Likes
2.Comments
24 They fear the other person will avoid them if they get to know of the "real" agenda
If anything, being indirect and misleading can reduce the chances of getting help.

When people don't know what to expect in a discussion, but suspect something will be asked from
them - they raise their defense. This means they will resist more than they naturally would.

When people cannot take an informed decision* on the "urgency" of your need, they will usually
assign it a lower priority.

(Informed decision does not mean you writing "Urgent!! pls respond". It means you sharing the actual
facts and they deciding if it is urgent)

Stating upfront that you need help with <specify>, is your best bet.

Mistake #2) "I need a small help" - dening the magnitude of help
This is an extension of what I said earlier about informed decision. Whether something is urgent or not,
big or small - is the decision of the person who is extending the help.

We may make assumptions that something will take only a little effort or time from the other person,
but we may not know what is going on in the other person's life.

Often people use phrases like "small help" to try and make the help appear less daunting to the other
person

This approach too is a mistake and reduces chances of getting the help.

If your assessment of "small" help does not match the other person's assessment of the effort
required, they are likely to feel manipulated

People like to feel good about having extended some significant help. "Small help" doesn't sound
encouraging

State the EXACT thing you need

And try saying a "BIG thankyou"

Mistake #3) "You are a leader, you must give new-comers a chance" - obliged agreement
This is the worst mistake of all. The other person could be anyone or anything - coach, leader, rich, self-
made, etc, etc.

None of it means anything.

Just because people are from a certain background or profession, they are not obliged to stand by a
value system you think they should, and definitely not one that is convenient to your purpose.

468 Likes
"You are from
24 Comments
HR so you must give opportunity", "You are a woman, so you must consider my case"..
This method does not work because people don't like being cornered into doing anything.

A better way..

Present honest facts about how you will put the 'help' to genuine use

Taking authentic interest in the person's background and doing some research to find common ground
works better*

(*Authentic is the key word and common ground can be explored only if it exists, else it should not be
force-fitted)

Mistake #4) "Thought I will catch up....and I need some help" - showing care when you
don't mean it
This one feels like a sting. An ex-colleague calls unexpectedly, with a cheerful "Hiii" followed by
conversation on "its been a while, how have you been".

Just when the other person is starting to feel good about someone having remembered you in this
busy world, comes the killer statement (usually made to sound very casual)..

"Hey listen, I needed a small help.."

If the mistake in this approach is not already obvious, let me state it.

People feel cheated, worse insulted.

Even if you have called after ages, start with saying you are calling to seek help.

Finish that, then move to the "so..how have you been" part.

That's what on your mind. Let the conversation reflect it.

Being authentic about intentions is showing respect to another person

I once called the husband of a good friend with whom I barely had any contact in the last 5 years. Her
spouse was the national head of a major cab network. I was stranded in a remote location in Bangalore
after a workshop and could not find any cabs at a late hour.

Imagine calling the spouse of a friend, after 5 years, at 9.30 pm - did I mention - in another city!! -
to divert a cab for me.

This is what I told him..

"I am so embarrassed I am calling you after 5 years, so late, and disturbing you for something so trivial at
468 Likes
your level.
24 Comments But I am stranded, and could not think of anyone else who could help me."
I told him that, because that is exactly and genuinely what I felt at that time.

Imagine how insulting it would be, had I said -

"Hii its been a long time, how are you, etc, etc... listen can you please do me a favor. I am stuck at this
place, can you pleeeease help me get a cab?"

I wasn't calling to catch up with him. It would be disrespectful to say so.

Mistake #5) "TIA" - forgetting the good old etiquette

Good manner never go out of fashion.

No TIA (Thanks in Advance) or tks (thanks said in the most unthankful way). If you are so lazy that you
cannot type out a proper thank you why should someone take out time to help you?

Also, knowing the difference between following up and pestering

Best way is to ask..

When do you think is a good time for me to check back with you?

If you have made attempts to contact twice, without a response, recognize it as a "no", send a polite
thankyou mail anyways, and close it.

Finally, the approach BEFORE and AFTER seeking help counts

Even before deciding on the right approach to seek help, it is important to reflect on the nature of
relationship we have with the person we are seeking help from.

There are always those people whom we can call at the middle of the night for help, have a terrible
fight and still know you can count on them, and perhaps don't even need to 'ask'.

But those relationships are few and precious.

Most others rest on fine lines dividing mere acquaintances, people we are 'friendly with', peers and a
whole lot of combinations.

In a dire situation, you would probably ask even a stranger for help.

But in all other circumstances, evaluating the nature of relationship is most critical to deciding
whether or not, when, how much and how you will ask for help.

Example: Often we add someone on LinkedIn and immediately send a very direct mail to review
someone's profile for a company you are working at, with an obligation to "respond at the earliest".
468 Likes
24 Comments
 Being sensitive to the relationship while asking for help is not only important to get the "help", but
also to begin and maintain the relationship itself.

The second part is after someone has asked for help.

What if the other person does not offer the help, we asked for?

Remember that the other person is not obliged to help you. No one is.

When someone says no, or avoids, or ignores, it hurts.

If you reached out to friends, family or someone you helped in the past, it hurts more.

But that is okay. As much as we hate it, we must allow people the right to say no.

Sometimes the reasons are justified, sometimes they are not. Most of the times, we never know the
REAL reason someone denied a help. We ASSUME.

Assumptions kill relationships. Worse, it leaves us with a sense of bitterness.

And in all fairness, we say "no" to others aswell.

So, this becomes the most important part about asking for help..

That help is about relationships.

Sometimes, it takes a relationship for someone to help us.

Sometimes, a help becomes the start of a relationship.

And when it is about human relationships, it cannot be about "techniques and strategies"...

It is about

honesty to accept we need help,

humility to ask for it,

gratitude when we receive it; and

gracefulness when we don't.

*****************************************************************

You can read other posts by the author on LinkedIn or Medium.

468 Likes
24 Comments
 (Use thislink to Medium blogspot)

Her other articles include:

1. "If you are nothing without the suit, you don't deserve it": 3 cardinal tests for anyone who calls
himself leader

2. "If Robots will do everything, what will humans do": Why AI Rhetoric deeply worries me

3. "I love solving problems": The BIG problem with problem solving

4. The Monkey Catcher's Lesson: Why we get stuck in our jobs, situations, emotions..

5. Flirt with your product ideas, don't fall in love

6. Love in the time of Artificial Intelligence: Valentine's Day 2030

7. 3 unforgettable lessons I learnt from an Indian Ed Tech Leader

8. 3 taboo questions Millennials are asking, leaving hiring managers shocked

9. Why the 'Corporate-style Women's Day Celebrations' gives me the creeps

10. Man or Woman? Who should lead gender diversity? Why we are simply asking the WRONG
question.

11. The (difficult) art of doing nothing and why it matter in a world proud of "busy"

12. "So why are you leaving?": Don't treat retention discussions like a ONE TIME date

13. The OOUCH of maternity leaves: Why managers secretly dread it

14.500 Uber rides without driver talking on the phone: My personal starfish story

15.Sophisticated-fear-based-management: 3 unmistakable signs

16."Here is a muffin that will make you successful":The unspoken truth about success

17.5 reasons we should 'stop fighting for a cause'

18.Interns or cheap labor? Making internship count

19.LOL ... driverless cars for India??: When AI meets Cows, Rajinikanth and Ganpati

Written by

Swati Jena
Harvard II XLRI II Pearson II PwC

24 comments

468 Likes
24 Comments
 Leave your thoughts here

Jayanthi D 3h
Delivery Manager at Infosys

The last paragraph is a superb gist - nicely articulated

Like Reply

Sudhir Bahel 20h

Dean Training & Placements

The last paragraph is simply amazing about the way it summaries the crux...awesome read

Like Reply

Nitin Jawarkar 1d
Middleware SME at HSBC Technology India (HTI)

Really eye opener article... Appreciate and thank you for sharing.

Like Reply 1

Suresh Kumar Gopala Setty 1d

Managing Partner at Alpha High-Tech Polyurethanes

Namaste Madam, you have simply made me know the diplomacy of asking an help.

Like Reply

Sunanda Rajaram 1d
Founder of ULLAAS HERBALS

I have asked for help from a few without making any of these 5 mistakes. I have been honest, straight forward, polite,
open and clear about my requirements and even assuring of not looking for micro details but generic bullet points.
But I have known many people do not come forward to share their knowledge for the fear of completion.

Like Reply 1 1

Vijendra Singh Rathore 14h

Managing Director Motion Media

Good article.

Like Reply

There are 19 other comments.Show more.

468 Likes
24 Comments