Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Mum went through all kinds of hardship and trauma during that horrible
time. She managed to survive physically, but she was mentally quite
damaged by the trauma experienced through the revolution. She became
a very angry person.
In her angry state, which was very often, she would hit me and accuse
me of being a waste of space, a worthless piece of shit and allegations
like you have come to ruin my life.
106 FREEDOM TO LOVE
sugar on top when I nally got out of there. Mum always felt guilty after
she punished me, so she always tried to buy my forgiveness by giving
me special treats.
Many people who went through similar type of experiences would have
lived with low self-worth and low self-esteem throughout their adult
lives, but that did not happen to me, because I refused to give the abuser
my power.
No one can destroy your self-belief if you dont allow it. It is only when
you give your power away that you can be destroyed. Let me say it again,
because this is very important. I found this out from my personal experi-
ence, so it is very true to me.
No one in the world can destroy you unless you allow them.
Ultimately, you are responsible for every choice you make.
You can choose to give your power away and be destroyed, or you
can choose to hold your power and create your desired destiny.
I had this insight from a very young age. Where did I get this insight
from? I dont know, although I often feel I did come with some wisdom
learnt from the past before I was born into this life.
I feel every one of us had been born a master. I feel this truth in
my gut.
The world will be a much better place if we all dwell in the
magnicence of our higher qualities. We would be basking in the
glory of our inner light right now rather than struggling through
our inner darkness.
This knowing that I own my own life and I must be the light unto myself
was what got me through the darkest hours of my life; it was what made
me ward o the negative impact of abuse; it was what made me rise
above self-pity and respect my inner value.
After many years of self-study, I realised an even deeper understanding
of this key. One day after a long meditation, an awakening struck me. I
108 FREEDOM TO LOVE
By that time, I had a thriving natural medicine healing centre with ten
practitioners working for me. I was a very successful Chinese Medicine
practitioner, with a waiting list of four to six months. I used to spend
ten hours at work and then come home to a mother who would criticise
me for not folding my laundry properly.
Nothing I did was ever good enough for her. A lot of people suer from
the same problem with their parents. They feel they can never satisfy
their parents expectation. There is no end to the so-called success that
the parents want them to achieve.
Breaking Free from the Bondage of Abuse 109
One day, Mum was sitting at the dining table complaining about
something I did not do right. Normally, when she complained, I tried
not to look at her. But that day, I looked her in the eyes when she was
complaining.
What I saw astonished me to the core of my being. I saw a profound
sadness in her eyes, a really deep grieving kind of sadness as if she was
mourning the death of someone she loved.
Suddenly, I realised she was mourning the death of her own dreams. She
was born with the voice of an angel; she could have become one of the
countrys best opera singers if it wasnt for the revolution.
Her mourning had turned into a kind of bitter jealousy towards my
success. The more successful I became, the more her bitterness grew
towards me.
I went over and sat in front of my mother. I reached out to touch her
hand, but she pulled it back quickly and stared at me with hostility as
if I was an enemy who was going to attack her.
At that moment, I saw a very scared person, a person who felt so inferior
that she had to pretend to be someone tough. The only way she could
feel better was by putting someone else down in order to give her a fake
feeling of being superior.
I started to cry. The realisation of her deep profound sadness opened my
heart to feel her pain. I could feel every bit of it all her broken dreams,
regrets, pain, guilt, shame and remorse.
I felt her, all of her and I cried. Tears were ooding out uncontrollably.
My mother pushed the chair back, stood up, then screamed at me, What
are you crying for, you worthless piece of shit?
You are the one who is successful. You are the one who always gets what
you want, so what have you got to cry about? Her face was turning red
and blue, her arms were waving in the air. She was raging.
I did not react to her rage, because the rage was just a cover-up for her
deep-seated fear of inadequacy and a sense of failure. She judged herself
110 FREEDOM TO LOVE
so badly inside and all she was doing was projecting her judgement
outwards towards me.
I realised it was not me she was accusing, but herself. When she screamed
at me you useless piece of shit, she was screaming at herself she was
calling herself that, not me. I was just a fake target, as she was her own
enemy.
I walked to her, held on to her arms, looked her in the eyes, then slowly
spoke out these words: Mum, look at me. I love you. You are a good
mum. You did the best you could.
I love you. I dont blame you. I really dont. I understand you, I understand
your pain, and I want to take it away from you, but I cannot do that for
you. You have to let it go yourself before it kills you.
It is right now killing your joy of living. What is the point of living like
this? It hurts me seeing you hurting yourself. You must let go of the past.
You cant live in the past.
Today is a new day. Tomorrow is a new day. Let us look forward, not
backward. Mum, I want you to live a long life. I want you to be at my
childrens wedding. You are my mum. I am grateful for you. I wouldnt
be here if it was not for you. I am grateful for you, truly, Mum.
With these words, she collapsed in my arms. I held her close to my heart
for a long time while she let out her sorrow, pain, guilt and shame in her
cry. She never called me a worthless piece of shit after that day.
She still went on criticising me, as nothing I did was ever good enough
still, but she tried hard not to give in to her impulse to complain. I saw
her trying hard to restrain herself from judging me.
Mum has been living in Australia for fteen years now. She is the happiest
she has ever been. My love for her slowly but surely has been healing
her pain.
Breaking Free from the Bondage of Abuse 111
I want nothing more than her healing before she leaves this earth. She
once wrote me a letter and asked for my forgiveness. I thanked her for
the letter and told her that there was nothing for me to forgive. She did
not do anything to harm me.
She could not harm me because I did not place myself under her power
to be harmed. However, she was harming herself in inicting pain upon
me as well as herself.
All harm done to others is self-harming.
All abuse to others is in fact self-abuse.
I helped her to realise that and helped her to release herself from the
bondage of self-blame. I told her that her abuse to me did not aect me
in a negative way; on the contrary, I was very grateful to her.
She was a reection, a mirror of who I do not want to become. Without
her abuse, I would not have grown the way I did.
As a result of this experience, I have become a much better mother to
my children. She loved me through her pain, but I chose to release my
pain through loving her.
The only way you can heal pain is through love.
One day, she told my daughter that I was the best mother any child could
ever hope to have and that she was sorry for hurting me for many years.
My daughter Grace, wiped o her tears and kissed her on her cheek.
Then she said to her, Dont be sad, Grandma, it is not too late to start
loving my mummy. Just start now.
This is how people heal, through enduring love, compassion, acceptance
and understanding, not through righteous judgements. Right now, a lot
of people out there are still suering from family relationship breakdowns.
It is a real shame that families cannot be close. It is in every persons dying
wish that they have better relationship with families.
Please do make it a priority. Open yourself up for healing, look inside
112 FREEDOM TO LOVE
yourself, be brave enough to confess that you are suering, know that
you dont need to suer and youre going to stop this nonsense.
POINTS OF REFLECTION
FOR YOUR DAILY CONTEMPLATION:
At the deepest level, you will regret not having healed yourself
and leaving this world with unfullled wishes.
I hope you do take this very important message home.