26.

Not Knowing

Da bih videla sebe kakva jesam potrebno je da razumem ta je stvarna, direktna mo

opaanja, koja je jedino mogua u stanju osloboenosti od svih uslovljavanja. Verujem
mom nastojanju, mojoj potrazi.

Ali, ja ne mogu da vidim da je moja prava potraga paralisana onim ime je motivisana.
Traim nain da ne budem ograniena uslovljavanjem mojih misli, moje memorije, onim
to ja verujem da znam. U potrazi sam za onim iznad toga. Ja pokuavam: inim napore
da radim, da budem prisutna. Ali sam u tome zarobljena ja sam zarobljena itavo
vreme, tokom celog trajanja mog pokuaja. Prva misao koja me spreava je Ja radim.
Ja ne vidim ko radi, ja ne vidim da je um smetnja, prepreka. Upotrebljavam re ili ideju
na ono to traim i na taj nain projektujem predstavu i pokuavam da poveem emocije
koje bi mi pomogle da ostvarim svoj cilj. Verujem da je potrebno da znam ta traim.
Mentalna predstava postaje vanija od potrage za istinom.

Moj odnos sa mehanikim umom mora de se promeni. Ja moram da vidim njegovo

uslovljavanje i da izgubim sve iluzije njegovog kapaciteta kako bih shvatila ono to se
nalazi izvan takvog funkcionisanja. Istina jednostavno ne moe biti razmiljanje. To ne
moe biti posmatrano samo razmiljanjem, eljom da to postignem ili postanem. Istina
ne postaje ona jeste. Moram da vidim da je moja misao zaustavljena tvrdoglavou
neke ideje ili vezanosti za odreenu formu. U trenutku to vidim, um je osloboen ideje i
oblika, i tada nova mo zapaanja moe zauzeti mesto. Imati direktnu mo zapaanja
znai otkriti neto potpuno novo, neto nepoznato to moj um nikada ne moe izneti.

Zato je to tako da moj um nikad ne otkriva neto novo? Ja sam zarobljenik svih utisaka
koji su pohranjeni u meni. Uslovljena sam mojom uskladitenom memorijom, koja je
isklesana unutar mene pod uticajima koji su me dotakli. To je sve ime ja raspolaem kao
odgovor tokom ivota. Korak po korak, bez da sam svesna, ja prihvatam to stanje
uslovljenosti, gde se energija mog uma izopauje. Moj um je iscrpljen te gubi ivotnu
snagu i vitalnost. On jednostavno sakuplja sve vie i vie podataka. Ja mogu da ga
disciplinujem, usavravanjem mog znanja. On ak moe postati briljantan. Ali ja i dalje
ostajem u podruju onog to je poznato. Na koji nain ja mogu prevazii ovakav nain
razmiljanja kako bi se ukazalo neto novo?

Moram biti dovoljno slobodna da sve odbacim te da oslukujem bez da oekujem

odgovor. Shvatam da kada ne znam odbacujui sve automatske uskladitene odgovore
zadobijam najvii oblik razumevanja, i da ako odgovor doe, bie laan. Moram da
ostanem bez odgovora i da nauim da vidim, da vidim bez prosuivanja, bez misli, bez
rei. Videti je jedan izvanredan in koji zahteva izvesnu panju koja mi je nepoznata. To
je in koji oslobaa, koji uspostavlja nov koncept, nov razum. Opaanje je sutinska
energija u oveku i ona se moe pojaviti samo kada je osoba neprestano u vienju,
oslukivanju, ispitivanju a da se ni malo ne oslanja na um sklon razmiljanju. Mi
moramo pruiti potpunu panju pitanju koje je pred nama. Ona nee biti potpuna ukoliko
traimo odgovor. Potpuna panja je proces posmatranja (oslukivanja bez da oekujemo
neki odgovor), meditacije.

Kroz budnost i meditaciju, priroda misli i nain kako ona deluje mi se moe razotkriti.
Ako uvidim sa celim mojim biem da Ne Znam, vie se ne oslanjam na moju memoriju
kako bih pronala odgovor. U tom trenutku, i samo u njemu, ja postajem slobodna mog
uslovljavanja, osloboena zatvora moje memorije, i mogu imati potpuno opaanje onoga
to je izvan toga. Ja sada znam ulogu misli kao faktor za pamenje (skladitenje), samo
faktora za priseanje.

To see myself as I am would be to perceive what is real, a direct perception that

is possible only in a state free of all conditioning. I believe that I search.

But I do not see that my very search is paralyzed by what motivates it. I am seeking a
way not to be confined by the conditioning of my thought, of my memory, of what I
believe I know. I seek to go beyond it. I try: I make efforts to work, to be
present. But in this I am takenI am taken all along, during the entire course of
my effort. The first thought that impedes me is that I work. I do not see who is
working, I do not see that the mind is an obstacle. I put a word or idea on what I am
seeking, and so I project an image and set out from a feeling of lack to go toward
the objective. I believe it is necessary to know what I am looking for. The
representation becomes more important than the search for the truth.

My relation with my thinking mind must change. I have to see its conditioning
and lose all illusion of its capacity to perceive directly what is beyond its
functioning. Truth simply cannot be thought. It cannot be looked for by the thinking
alone, or by the wish to acquire or to become. Truth does not become it is. I need to
see that my thought is held back by the stubbornness of an idea or the attachment
to a form. In the very moment I see this, the mind is freed from the idea or form, and
a new perception can take place. To have a direct perception would mean to
discover something entirely new, something unknown that my mind can never bring.

Why is it that my mind never discovers anything new? I am a prisoner of all the
impressions deposited in me. I am conditioned by the reservoir of mymemory, the result
engraved in me of the influences that have touched me. It is all that I have to answer with
in life. Little by little, I unconsciously accept this state of conditioning, and the energy of
my mind deteriorates. My mind is sapped in its vitality and strength. It simply
accumulates more and more information. I can discipline my mind, polish my
knowledge. It can even become brilliant. But I remain in the realm of the known.
How could I go beyond this way of thinking so that something new could appear?

I need to be free enough to discard everything and to question without expecting

an answer. I understand that not knowing, discarding everything, is the highest form
of thinking, and that if an answer comes, it will be false. I have to stay without
answering and learn to see, to see without judging, without a thought, without a
word. To see is an extraordinary act which requires an attention that is unknown
to me. This is the factor that liberates, that brings a new thought, a new mind.
Attention is the essential energy in man. And this energy can only appear when
one is constantly occupied in seeing, in listening, in questioningnever in
knowing with my thinking mind. We must give our complete attention to the question in
front of us. The attention will not be total if we seek an answer. Total attention is the
process of meditation.