Chapter 1 A First Look At Interpersonal Comm.

We define Interpersonal Communication as a selective, systematic process that allows people to reflect and build personal
knowledge of one another and create shared meanings.

Three levels of communication:

1. I- It communication : We do not acknowledge the humanity of other people; we may not even affirm their existence
2. I You communication: People acknowledge one another as more than objects, but they dont fully engage each
other as unique individuals
3. I Thou communication: When we meet others in their wholeness and individuality

The feature of interpersonal communication:

a) selective
b) systemic
c) process that allows people to reflect and build personal knowledge of one to another
d) create shared meaning

Two types of meaning creating:

1. Content meaning
2. Relationship meaning
Traditionally speaking, the models of interpersonal communication:
1. Linear
2. Interactive
3. Transaction Models
Abraham Maslow (1968) proposed that we communicate to meet a range of human needs. According to Maslow, basic
needs must be satisfied before we can focus on those that are more abstract.
1. Physical Needs
2. Safety Needs
3. Belonging Needs
4. Self-Esteem Needs
5. Self-Actualization Needs
6. Participating Effectively in a Diverse Society
Principles of Interpersonal Communication:
1. We cannot not communicate
2. Interpersonal Communication is irreversible
3. Interpersonal Communication involve ethical choices
4. People construct meaning in interpersonal communication.
5. Metacommunication affect meaning
6. Interpersonal Communication is not a Panacea
7. Interpersonal Communication effectiveness can be learned
8. Interpersonal Communication develops and sustains relationships
You can improve your interpersonal communication competence by communicating effectively, appropriately, and ethically.
Chapter 2 Communication and Personal Identity
Self is a multidimensional process of internalizing and acting from social perspective.
The self arises in communication with others; we distinguish two types of others:
1. particular others
2. generalized others
Particular others communicate their view of us by:
a) direct definition
b) Reflected Appraisal
c) Identity Scripts ,
d) Attachment Style
The term self- fulfilling prophecies reflect to occur when we internalize others expirations or judgment about us and then
behave in ways that are consistent with those expectations and judgments.
Positive Negative
Secure Is facilitated when the Anxious/Ambivalent Is fostered by inconsistent
Positive caregiver responds in a treatment from the
consistently attentive caregiver.
way to the child

Dismissive Is promoted by Fearful Is cultivated when the

Negative caregivers who are caregiver in the first bond is
disinterested in or unavailable or
unavailable to child. communicates in negative
ways to the child

We learn our cultures values by three ways:

a. We learn as we interact with others who have internalized cultural values
b. We learn broadly shared social perspective by participating in institutions that embody cultural V.
c. We learn our cultural values through media, traditional media, newspapers, and social media.
The aspects of identity emphasized by culture:
a) Race
b) Gander
c) Sexual orientation
d) Socioeconomic Class
Impression management is how we use communication in an effort to persuade others to believe in the face we present.
What you can do to enrich the self:
1) Make a Firm Commitment to personal growth
2) Gain and Use knowledge to support personal growth
3) Self-Disclose when appropriate.
4) Set Goals that are realistic and fair
5) Seek contexts that support personal change
Chapter 3 Perception and communication
Perception is the active process of creating meaning.
Perception consists of three processes: selecting, organizing, interpreting people.
We cant attend to everything in our environment so we focus on what we decide is relevant to us, in any given moment.
We select to attend to certain stimuli based on a number of factors. We notice things that stand out because they are
larger, more intense, or more unusual than other phenomena. Change also compels attention.
What we select to notice is also influenced by who we are and what is going on within us. Our motives and needs affect
what we see and dont see.
According to Constructivism we organize and interpret experience by applying cognitive structures called Schemata. We rely
on 4 schemata to make sense of interpersonal phenomena: prototypes, personal constructs, stereotypes, and scripts.
Prototypes: The most representative example if a category.
Personal construct: A bipolar, mental yardstick we use to measure people and situation
Stereotypes: A predictive generalization about individuals and situation based on the category which we place them
Script: A guide to action in particular situation.
Interpretation is the subjective process of explaining our perceptions in ways that make sense to us.
Attribution is an explanation of why something happened or why someone acts a certain way.
4 dimensions of attributions
Locus Internal External
Stability Stable Unstable
Specificity Specific Global
Responsibility Within personal control Beyond personal control
The two most common Attributional Errors are Self serving bias and Fundamental attribution error.
On perception influences: Physiology, Expectations, Age, Culture, Cognitive abilities, Self.
How can you improve perception and communication?
1. Recognize that all perception are partial and Subjective
2. Avoid mind reading
3. Check perception with others
4. Distinguish between facts and inferences
5. Guard against the self serving bias
6. Guard against the fundamental attribution error
7. Monitor labels
Chapter 4 The world of words
Words are symbols which are arbitrary, ambiguous, abstract representation of other phenomena.
Three characteristics of symbols:
1. Arbitrariness words are not intrinsically connected to what they represent
2. Ambiguity because what they mean isnt clear-cut
3. Abstraction - they are not concrete or tangible. Words stand for ideas, people, events, feelings, and so forth, but they
are not the things they represent.
There are 4 principles of verbal communication:
1. Language and culture reflect each other
2. The meaning of language are subjective
3. Language use is rule-guided
4. Punctuation shapes meaning.
Communication rules are shared understanding of that communication mean. There are 2 types of communication rules
regulative rule and constructive rules.
Regulative rules specify when, where and with whom to talk about certain things.
Constitutive rules specify how to interpret and perform different kinds of communication.
Philosophers of language have identified five ways that symbolic abilities affect our lives:
1. Language define Phenomena
2. Language evaluates
3. Language Organizes Perceptions
4. Language allows hypothetical thought
5. Language allows self reflection.
Totalizing is not the same as stereotyping. When we stereotype someone, we define him or her in terms of characteristics
of a group. When we totalize others, we negate most of who they are by focusing on a single aspect of their identity.
Although all humans use language, we dont all use it in the same way. A speech community exists when people share
norms about how to use talk and what purpose it serves. Speech communities are defined not by countries or geographic
locations but by shared understandings of how to communicate.
Guidelines for improving verbal communication:
1. Engage in dual perspective
2. Own your feelings and thoughts
3. Respect what others say about their feelings and thoughts
4. Strive for accuracy and clarity
Chapter 5 The world beyond words
Nonverbal communication is all aspects of communication other that words.
Nonverbal communication is similar to verbal communication in four respects: it is symbolic, it is rule-guided, it may be
intentional or unintentional and it reflects culture.
There are also differences between verbal and nonverbal communication and the meaning we attach to each. We consider
tree distinctions between the two kinds of communication:
1. Nonverbal communication tend to be perceived as more believable
2. Nonverbal communication is multichannaled
3. Nonverbal communication is continuous.
Four principles enhance insight into how nonverbal communication influence meaning in human interaction:
1. Nonverbal communication may supplement or replace verbal communication
2. Nonverbal communication may regulate interaction
3. Nonverbal communication often establishes relationship level meaning
4. Nonverbal communication effects and expresses cultural values.
Nonverbal communication can convert 3 dimensions of relationship levels meaning:
1. Liking
2. Power
3. Responsiveness
There are 9 types of nonverbal communication/behavior that use each to establish relationship, regulate interaction and
express personal and cultural identity:
1. Kinesics body position and body motions, including those of the face
2. Haptics the sence of touch
3. Physical appearance
4. Artifacts - Are personal objects we use to announce our identities and heritage and to personalize our environments
5. Environmental factors
6. Proxemics - Refers to space and how we use it .
7. Chronemics - Refers to how we perceive and use time.
8. Paralanguage - communication that is vocal but does not use words
9. Silence
You can improve nonverbal communication by
1. Monitoring your nonverbal communication
2. Interpreting others nonverbal communication tentatively
Chapter 6 Mindful listening
Hearing is a physiological activity that occurs when sound waves hit our eardrums.
We can define listening as an active, complex process that consists of being mindful, physically receiving messages,
selecting and organizing messages, interpreting messages, responding and remembering.
The first step in listening is to make a decision to be mindful. Mindfulness is being fully present in the moment. Mindfulness
is a choice. It is not a technique, nor is it a talent that some people have and other dont.
The second process involved in listening is hearing, or physically receiving messages. Receiving messages is a prerequisite
for listening. For most of us, hearing is automatic and unhindered.
The third element of listening is selecting and organizing material. We selectively attend to only some messages and
elements of our environments. What we attend to depends on many factors, including our interests, cognitive structures
and expectations. Selective listening is also influenced by culture. Once weve selected what to notice, we then organize the
stimuli to which weve attended. Finally, we decide how we should proceed in the conversation. It is important to
remember that we construct others and their communication when we use our schemata to make sense and organize
communication.
There are two broad types of barriers to mindful listening: obstacles in the communication situation and obstacles in
communicators.
External obstacles: Internal obstacles:
Message overload Preoccupation
Message complexity Prejudgment
Noise Reacting to emotionally loaded language
Failure to adapt listening styles
Forms of nonlistening:
1. Pseudolistening pretending to listen.
2. Monopolizing continuously focusing communication on ourselves instead of listening to the person who is talking.
3. Selective listening involves focusing only on particular parts of communication.
4. Defensive listening perceiving personal attacks, criticism or hostility in communication that is not critical or mean-
spirited.
5. Ambushing listening carefully for the purpose of attacking a speaker.
6. Literal listening listening only for content and ignoring the relationship level of meaning.
The first requirement for listening effectively is to determine your reason for listening. We listen differently for 3 reasons:
When we listen for pleasure, to gain information, and to support others.
Three guidelines foster effective listening:
1. Be mindful
2. Adapt listening appropriate
3. Listening actively.
Chapter 7 Emotions and communication
Emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence, or EQ, which is the ability to recognize feelings, to judge which feelings are appropriate in which
situations, and to communicate those feelings effectively.
Emotional competence which involves awareness of our emotions, including emotions experienced simultaneously,
the ability to recognize and empathize with others emotions, awareness of impact of our expression of emotions on
others, and sensitivity to cultural rules for expressing emotions.
Emotional intelligence consists of the following qualities:
Being aware of your feelings
Dealing with emotions without being overcome by them
Not letting setbacks and disappointments derail you
Channeling your feelings to assist you in achieving your goals
Being able to understand how others feel without their spelling it out
Listening to your feelings and those of others so you can learn from them
Recognizing social norms for expression of emotions
Having a strong yet realistic sense of optimism
Emotional intelligence includes more than being in touch with your feelings. You also need skills in expressing them
constructively and an ability to recognize how others feel. Because humans are connected to each other, how one
person expresses emotions to another affects the other person like catching a cold.
Understanding emotions
Some researchers assert that humans experience two kinds of emotions: some that are based on biology and thus
instinctual and universal, and others that we learn in social interaction.
In many instances, what we feel is not a single emotion but several mingled together.
Emotions are our experience and interpretation of internal sensations as they are shaped by physiology, perceptions,
language, and social experiences.
Physiological influences on emotions
Organismic view of emotions we experience emotion when external stimuli cause physiological changes in us.
Emotional expression begins with a perception of something, after the perception, we experience chages in our bodies.
Finally, we experience emotion.
Perceptual influences on emotions
The perceptual view of emotions (appraisal theory) asserts that subjective perceptions shape what external phenomena
mean to us.
External objects and events, as well as physiological reactions, have no intrinsic meaning. They gain meaning only as we
attribute significance to them.
We act on the basis of our interpretation of phenomena, not the tangible phenomena.
Different interpretations would lead us to define our emotional distinctly. Our perceptions filter our experiences and it
is the filtered experiences that influence what we feel and how we respond.
Its missing the mechanism by which we interpret emotions.
Language influences on emotions
Cognitive labeling view of emotions- how we move from experience to interpretation
The mechanism that allows this is language
Our labels for our physiological responses influence how we interpret those responses
What we feel may be shaped by how we label our physiological responses.
Cultural influences on emotions
Emotional communities culture and social groups to which we belong (families, neighborhoods, gangs, monasteries,
and fiends)
 The society and communities in which we live influence our beliefs about which emotions are good or bad , which
emotions we should express or repress, and with whom we can appropriately communicate which emotions.
Interactive view of emotions- cultural rules and understandings shape what people feel and how they do or dont
express their feelings
Three key culturally influences concepts: framing rules, feeling rules, and emotion work.
Framing rules
Framing rules define the emotional meaning of situations
Within any single culture there are multiple social groups and resulting ways of framing events
Tell us what we have a right to feel or what we are expected to feel in particular situation
Reflects and perpetuate the values of cultures and social groups
All social communities have rules that specify acceptable and unacceptable ways to feel
Feeling rules are sometimes explicated in terms of right and duties.
Pressing feelings reasons we may not express emotions
Cultural and social expectations
Self-protection
Protecting others
Social and professional roles
Express emotions inappropriately the ineffective expression of emotions
Speaking in generalities
Not owning feelings
Counterfeit emotional language language that seems to express situations but does not actually describe what a
person is feeling
Social media and emotions
What we have learned about emotions is relevant to digital and online communication in several ways.
1. The reasons we may not express emotions in face to face interaction may also operate when we use social media
2. Social media may help us experience and express feelings
3. Social media can become substitutes for emotional involvement with people in our face to face relationships.
Guidelines for communicating emotions effectively
1. Identify your emotions
2. Choose whether and how to express emotions
3. Own tour feelings
4. Monitor your self-talk
5. Adopt a rational-emotive approach to feelings
6. Respond sensitively when others communicate emotions
Guidelines that can help you decide how to express emotions
1. Evaluate your current state
2. Decide to whom you want to express your feelings
3. Select an appropriate time to discuss feelings
4. Select an appropriate setting for discussing feelings
Chapter 8 Communication Climate: The
Foundation of Personal Relationships
Communication climate is the overall feeling or emotional mood between people that is shaped by verbal and non verbal
interaction between people.

Of the many influences, four are particularly critical for building and sustaining satisfying relationships:

1. Investment
2. Commitment
3. Trust
4. Comfort with relational dialectics.

Investments are what we put into relationships that we could not retrieve if the relationship were to end. Investments
cannot be recovered.

Commitment is a decision to remain in a relationship. Notice that commitment is defined as a decision, not a feeling. Unlike
passion or attraction, which arise in the present, commitment links partners together in the future.

Self-disclosure is the act of revealing personal information about ourselves that others are unlikely to discover in other
ways.

Being comfortable with relational dialectics means opposing forces, or tensions, that are continuous and normal in personal
relationships.

AUTONOMY/CONNECTION NOVELTY/ PREDICTABILITY OPENNESS/ CLOSEDNESS

I want to be close. I like the familiar rhythms and routines I like sharing so much with you.
of our relationship.
I need my own space. We need to do something new and There are some things I dont want to
different. talk about with you.
Levels of Confirmation and Disconfirmation:

1. Recognition
2. Acknowledgment
3. Endorsement

Five guidelines for building and sustaining healthy climates:

1. Actively use communication to build confirming climates

2. Accept and confirm others
3. Affirm and assert yourself
4. Respect diversity in relationships
5. Respond constructively to criticism
Chapter 9 Managing conflict in relationship
Defining interpersonal conflict
Interpersonal conflict exists when there is expressed tension between people who are interdependent, perceive they have
incompatible goals, and feel a need to resolve those differences.
Expressed tension
Interpersonal conflict is expressed disagreement, struggle, or discord. We communicate disagreement in various ways.
Interdependence
Interpersonal conflict can occur only between people who perceive themselves as independent at the time of the conflict.
Obviously, we are independent in I-Thou relationships with close friends, family members, and romantic partners. In
addition we may be temporarily independent with people in I-You relationships, which would include people we know only
casually.
Perceived incompatible goals
We experience conflict when we see perceive that what we want is incompatible with what is wanted by a person with
whom we are interdependent.
The felt need for resolution
Conflict is more than just having differences. We differ with people about many things, but this doesn't invariably lead to
conflict.
Principles of conflict
Principle 1: Conflict is natural in most western relationships
In most Western relationships conflict is a normal, inevitable part of relating.
The presence of conflict does not indicate that a relationship is unhealthy or in trouble, although how patterns manage
conflict does influence rational health. Actually, engaging in conflict indicates that people care enough about each other to
want to resolve differences.
Principle 2: Conflict may be expressed overtly or covertly
Conflict may be expressed either overtly or covertly.
A common form of covert conflict is passive aggression, which is acting aggressively while denying feeling or acting
aggressive.
Principle 3: Social groups shape the meaning of conflict behaviors
Cultural differences regarding conflict
The majority of Mediterranean cultures regard lively conflict as a normal valuable part of everyday life.
Differences among social communities
Our orientations toward conflict are influenced not only by culture but also by social communicate.
Principle 4: Conflict can be managed well or poorly
Depending on how we handle disagreements, conflict can either promote continuing closeness or tear a relationship apart.
One of the main reasons conflict is handled poorly is that it often involves intense feelings, which many people do not know
how to identity or express. We may feel deep disappointment, resentment, or anger toward someone we care about and
this is difficult to manage.
Principle 5: Conflict can be good for individuals and relationships
Although we tend to think of conflict negatively, it can be beneficial in a number of ways.
Orientations to Conflict
We now look at three basic orientations that effect how we approach conflict situations.
Lose-lose
A lose-lose orientation assumes that conflict results in loses for everyone and that it is unhealthy and destructive for
relationships.

Win-lose
Win-lose orientations assume that one person wins at the expense of the other.
Win-win
Win-win orientations assume that there are usually ways to resolve differences so that everyone gains.
Responses to conflict
Physical force may be an unfortunate necessity in some situations, such as combat or self-protection. In interpersonal
relationships, however it is a very poor way to deal with conflict.
The exit response
The exit response involves physically walking out or psychologically withdrawing.
Exit responses are associated with lose-lose and win-lose orientations toward conflict.
The neglect response
The neglect response denies or minimizes problems, disagreements, anger, tension, or other matters that could lead to
overt conflict.
The loyalty response
Involves staying committed to a relationship despite differences.
The voice response
Finally the voice response addresses conflict and attempt to resolve it.
Communication patterns during conflict
-Unproductive conflict communication
-Constructive conflict communication
-Conflict management skills
Social media and conflict
Guidelines for effective communication during conflict
-Focus on the overall communication system
-Time conflict purposefully
-Aim for win-win conflict
-Honor yourself your partner and the relationship
-Show grace when appropriate
Chapter 10 Friendships in our lives
Nature of friendship:

1. Willingness to invest
2. Emotional closeness
a) Closeness through dialogue
b) Closeness through doing
3. Acceptance
4. Trust
5. Support

Friendships evolve through a series of stages that involve progressive investments:

1. Growth stages
2. Deterioration stages.

Relation rules are unspoken understandings that regulate how people interact.

Friendships are subject to internal tensions and external pressure.

Internal tensions are relationship stresses that grow out of people and their interactions.

1. Relational dialectics
2. Diverse communication styles
3. Sexual attraction

Friendships may encounter pressures from outside sources. Three such pressures are competing demands, personal
changes and geographic distance.

Cyberbullying is text messages comments rumors embarrassing pictures videos and fake profiles that are meant to hurt
another person and are sent by email or Smartphone or posted on social net-working sites.

Four specific guidelines for satisfying communication between friends:

1. Engage in dual perspective

2. Communicate honestly
3. Grow from differences
4. Dont sweat the small stuff
Chapter 11 Committed romantic relationships
Committed romantic relationship
Are relationships between individuals who assume that they will be primary and continuing parts of each others lives
Dimensions of romantic relationships
For years researchers have struggled to define romantic commitment
Passion
Passion is what first springs to mind when we think about romance. Passion describes intensely positive feelings and fervent
desire for another person.
Commitment
Commitment is the second dimensions of romantic relationships
Intimacy
The third dimension of romantic relationships intimacy feeling of closeness connection and tenderness
Style of loving
-Does love grow out of friendships
-Can you decide to love only someone who meets your criteria for a partner?
-Would you rather suffer yourself than have someone you love suffer?
-Is love at first sight possible?
-Is love really a game playful not serious?
The development of romantic relationships
Growth
Navigation
Deterioration
Social media and romantic relationships
Guidelines for communicating in romantic relationships
Engage in dual perspective
Practice safe sex
Manage conflict constructively
Adapt communication to maintain long-distance relationships