Goodbye, Shy!

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 Goodbye, Shy!

Goodbye, Shy!
by Amy Waterman

All Rights Reserved

Copyright 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

The information contained in this book is provided as is without warranty of any kind.
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Contents

Shyness Mastery Tip #1: Make Friends First....................................................................5

Shyness Mastery Tip #2: Feel Good about Yourself.........................................................6

Shyness Mastery Tip #3: Stop Thinking and Start Doing.................................................9

Shyness Mastery Tip #4: Put Him First..........................................................................12

Shyness Mastery Tip #5: Get Perspective......................................................................14

More Confidence-Building Tips...................................................................................16

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 Goodbye, Shy!

Goodbye, Shy!
How to Overcome Shyness around Men

When youre feeling shy, you start to get nervous and slip up. You say stupid things or do
things that are completely out of character. Its like a temporary insanity, Deb told me.
Its like something takes hold of me and turns me into this weird person.

Deb couldnt relax and be herself around men. The thought of even talking to an attractive
single man made her heart race and her palms sweat. It was like a disease.

Ive tried everything to shake it, she said. The funny thing is that Im fine around my
friends boyfriends and husbands. I can laugh and joke with a married guy, no problem.
But the minute I start to feel attracted to a guy or the minute I realize that hes attracted to
me its like this switch gets thrown. I turn into a nervous, bumbling wreck.

Debs not alone. Shyness with men is one of the biggest complaints for the single women
who write to me. They tell me that no matter how confident they think they feel, their con-
fidence falls to bits around a man they really like.

So how can these women overcome their shyness and allow their genuine, natural, vibrant
self to shine through?

Thats what this Special Report is all about.

Youll learn five powerful techniques to shift your feelings of shyness so that you can be
confident, calm, and charismatic around the men youre attracted to the most.

Shyness Mastery Tips

1. Make Friends First

2. Feel Good about Yourself
3. Stop Thinking and Start Doing
4. Put Him First
5. Get Perspective

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Shyness Mastery Tip #1:

Make Friends First

For some women, shyness stems from a lack of experience in general with the opposite sex.
This was a particular issue for Deb. She had no brothers and had gone to an all-girls school.
Her best friends were all females, and the only men she interacted with were clients or the
partners of her female friends.

She had no idea how to relate to a man on his own terms, and that lack of experience made
her feel clueless when it came to actively engaging with a man she liked.

When a woman has few male role models or platonic male friends in her life, she often finds
it difficult to see men in any context other than sexual. She divides men into two categories:
men who like her, and men who dont (or are indifferent to her).

This puts way too much pressure on every interaction she has with a man. If she feels like
she has to make every man she meets feel attracted to her, then no wonder she starts to
panic at even the thought of talking with a man!

I gave Deb an exercise to break this pattern. Deb had to promise me that she would avoid
any romantic entanglements for three months. She could talk to men and make friends with
anyone she liked in fact, she was encouraged to do both but she could not flirt or go out
on dates. Any form of romance was off limits.

At first, she felt like this was a counterproductive thing to do. She wanted to learn how to
get better with men, not stop dating them altogether! But she agreed to try my suggestion.

The reason I gave Deb this exercise was because I wanted her to see what it felt like to inter-
act with men with absolutely NO pressure involved. As long as there was the possibility of
a romantic attraction, Deb would put pressure on herself to get the man to like her.

At first, Deb reacted by spending more time with her female friends and not bothering to
talk to men at all. She did find it slightly easier to interact with the men at work, but overall
she didnt notice much difference. She felt like the exercise was restricting her, not helping
her.

But starting from the second month, her perspective began to change. She was invited to a
party, and whereas before she would have agonized over what to wear and how she looked,
this time it took her just fifteen minutes to throw on jeans and a shirt. She felt so much more
relaxed, with all the pressure off to meet someone. Her friends knew that she was prohib-
ited from dating, so they didnt try to set her up with anyone. It was so much more fun that
she was amazed. For the first time, chatting with men didnt feel like work!

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By the time the third month was over, Deb had become a convert. Its so much easier! she
said. I used to dread going out before, because I knew that Id be expected to check out
all the hot guys and try to get chatted up. I didnt realize how much my friends affected me
before. It was like I should feel guilty for being single or something. But now theyve kind
of forgotten about hooking me up, so when I talk to a guy its just about me and him rather
than my friends looking on. I cant tell you how amazing that feels!

The exercise had worked. Deb was beginning to relate to men on their own level, rather
than as potential boyfriends. I encouraged her to continue making friends with men without
putting any pressure on herself for there to be anything more. Even if you like someone, I
told her, youll get further by starting off as their friend than by trying to get asked out right
away.

Shyness Mastery Tip #2:

Feel Good about Yourself

The majority of the women I talk to want a great relationship, but they dont believe that
theyll ever have one. Monica spoke for many women when she explained, Im 38, and I
figure that if I was going to be married Id be married by now. I guess Im just going to be
single forever.

Monica felt invisible. She thought that men didnt notice her, and when they did they only
saw her as the friend. She was the one who tagged along with her other friends while they
got chatted up and she didnt.

Shed made up her mind that men werent interested in her, and everything about how
she acted projected that belief. When an attractive man walked by, she looked away and
frowned. She kept her attention focused to the small space directly in front of her, and she
hunched her shoulders so that she wouldnt stand out. Shed be so focused on her thoughts
that she often didnt hear it when someone spoke to her.

Shyness can often be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You feel shy because you think no one likes
you, and no one ends up liking you because youre acting so shy!

Monica needed to see that her shyness was standing between her and the connections that
she so desperately craved. She needed to open up to other people before they could open
up to her.

The task I set Monica was to listen to an affirmation CD every night for one month. The pur-

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pose of the affirmation CD was to help her feel more secure and confident in herself. She
needed to see herself as a loving, lovable person before her shy habits could change.

I explained to Monica that affirmations are positive statements that reflect what you would
like to be true regardless of whether it actually is true right now. Examples include, I love
and approve of myself, or, I have a wonderful relationship that supports me and gives me
joy. You can say the affirmation out loud, write it down, or listen to it as often as possible
(which is why CDs are particularly effective).

Affirmations work like advertising. Advertisers know that the more you hear their slogan
on television and the radio, the more youll remember it, and youll start to believe its true.
Similarly, the more you repeat an affirmation, the more you begin to believe it, and eventu-
ally it becomes true for you.

No matter how many negative beliefs you have about yourself that youre overweight,
unattractive, too old, cant attract men, and so forth you can eliminate them with affirma-
tions. Affirmations will help you feel good about being YOU.

Feeling good about being YOU is an essential part of overcoming shyness. You see, when
you feel down on yourself, you project those self-doubts as shyness. But when you feel good
about yourself, you project that inner confidence to the world.

Imagine that you just won the lottery, for example. Do you think youd be shy about it? No!
Youd want to scream and jump up in the air and hug everyone in sight!

But say, on the other hand, you just failed an exam or messed up on an important project at
work. Youd walk home with your head hanging and shoulders slumped. You wouldnt be
in the mood to talk to anyone, because youd feel like a failure.

Its for those times that affirmations are important. Affirmations help you feel good about
yourself all the time, so that you dont ever feel bad for long.

Affirmations help remind you of the truth, which is that you are a wonderful, unique, lovable
person who deserves a great relationship. There may be times that life gets you down, but
ultimately you should know that many amazing experiences are in store for you.

Monica agreed to listen to the affirmation CD that I recommended. (I particularly like those
by the author of You Can Heal Your Life, Louise Hay.) She thought it was silly at first. She
found it boring to listen to the CD repeatedly, and she didnt feel that the affirmations were
true for her.

But she kept listening. She listened over and over again. I am loving, and I am lovable. I

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love and approve of myself. And the more she listened, the more these statements started
to dislodge old feelings of unworthiness.

I didnt quite realize how much I disliked myself before, she told me a month later. I
thought it was a fact that I was never going to attract a man because there was nothing
attractive about me at all. If youd have tried to convince me otherwise, I wouldnt have
believed you. I couldnt see anything good about myself at all, but I could sure list all my
bad points.

Theres nothing arrogant about believing that youre wonderful and deserve a great relation-
ship, but many people think there is. They resist believing good things about themselves.

In our culture, its much easier to focus on the negative parts of ourselves than the positive.
We worry that people will think were being egotistical or snotty.

But there is nothing egotistical about loving and accepting yourself. Rather, loving yourself
is the foundation of good self-esteem.

When you love yourself, you are not comparing yourself to others and saying, I am better
than them. You are simply affirming what is true for every human being on the planet: you
are wonderful and worthy simply for being you.

As Monica began to feel better about herself, she began to find it easier to take small social
risks. She could look up and catch someones eye without feeling embarrassed. She stood
straighter. She smiled more easily.

And she began to realize that the reason that men chatted up her friends but not her was
because of how she was acting. Ive realized that Ive got to get off my butt and put in
some effort myself, she said. For some reason I guess Id always thought that men were
supposed to be the ones coming up to me, but now I know that Ive got to go and try talking
to them, too.

Its almost like a miracle to see how feeling good about oneself can make a person act in a
more naturally confident way. But it shouldnt be surprising. By focusing on your feelings
about yourself, rather than the way you act, you address the problem at its root. You cure
the source of your shyness, rather than the symptoms.

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Shyness Mastery Tip #3:

Stop Thinking and Start Doing

My friends have these perfect marriages, Rosemary complained, and I end up being the
one who gets divorced. They all think theyre better than me, and maybe they are. Maybe I
should have tried harder with my marriage. Every time I meet someone, I dread the moment
I have to tell them Im divorced. A lot of people think that if youre divorced it means theres
something wrong with you.

Rosemary was an outspoken, lively older woman but when it came to romance she felt
embarrassed that she was doing it all over again for the second time. Shed thought that her
first love would last forever; she wouldnt have gotten married if she hadnt. But it didnt,
and now she was in her early 50s and single once more.

She felt awkward about dating again. She was too embarrassed to try online dating, and she
preferred staying at home to going out. She didnt know what shed talk about or what was
expected these days. Besides, she said, it wasnt like she had the advantage of youth.

Sometimes, we can be confident in every other area of our life, but theres one area that
seems like our nemesis. Time and time again, we set out to work on it only to end up feel-
ing stuck and frustrated. After enough failures, we get so sensitive about it that we prefer to
ignore it altogether.

Thats what Rosemary was tempted to do. Everything else in her life was great: her relation-
ship with her kids, her job, her house. She went on holidays once a year and spent the rest
of her money on spoiling her loved ones. Who cared if she didnt have a man? She didnt
need one, after all. She was fine just as she was.

But Rosemary was lying to herself. She hated having to grow old on her own. It seemed
unfair that her marriage was the one that had to break down while her friends marriages
were still going.

Rosemary needed to learn to stop comparing herself to others. The fact that her friends mar-
riages were still holding together didnt necessarily mean they were any happier. Of course
dating was going to be different at 50 than it was at 20, but that didnt give her a license to
wax nostalgic over her youth. Rosemary needed to stop thinking so much about her situa-
tion and start doing something about it.

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All too often, we get trapped in mental circles where we go around and around, analyzing
our situation from every angle, comparing it to our friends, comparing it to the past, and
wishing things were different.

Insight is a wonderful thing, but there comes a time when you need to get off that mental
merry-go-round because its not taking you anywhere.

Rosemary could think of 101 reasons that dating would simply be a waste of time. She
could think of 101 excuses for not going out and making the effort. She was too tired, or
shed go next time, or she didnt have the right thing to wear, or the right kind of people
wouldnt be there.

But all that thinking was just a way to stay trapped where she was.

Rosemary, I asked, do you like your life exactly as it is, or do you want it to change?

I do like my life as it is now, she replied defensively. I have a wonderful life.

Then why are you here?

I dont know. There was a long silence. Well, you know, I just want to add something.
Make it better, not change it.

If you want your life to be different to how it is even if that difference is just improving
it for the better you have to be open to change.

You cant keep the same life you have now and just add something to it.

Starting a relationship can turn your life upside down. Whereas you may have your life
just as you like it, so he also has his life just as he likes it. Both of you are going to have to
compromise and be open to changing the way you do things if you are going to make a new
life together.

This is a particular issue among middle-aged singles. Once a person has reached middle
age, they have set views on how they like to live their life. They know exactly how they like
things done, and they have the freedom to do things exactly as they please.

So, when a new relationship comes along, that autonomy is threatened. Suddenly, you have
to make room for someone elses ways. That person has to make room for your ways. If your
lifestyles differ significantly, living together can be a nightmare.

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If you want a committed relationship, then youre going to have to commit yourself to
change.

It may not be easy to admit that theres something in your current life thats missing. It may
not be easy to give up your autonomy and independence. But if you want a relationship,
you are going to have to take a step outside your comfort zone.

Rosemary had let her excuses keep her stuck inside her comfort zone. She could happily
talk endlessly about her situation, the divorce, and the impossibility of meeting anyone new
because talking didnt require any work.

As the saying goes: A little less talk, a lot more action.

My recommendation for Rosemary was to learn to notice when she was thinking unhelpful
thoughts, and to nip those thoughts in the bud.

For example, every time she found herself comparing herself to her friends (or comparing
her situation now to what it was like when she was younger), she could tell herself, This is
not about them; this is about me.

Every time she found herself thinking that going out was a waste of time or that she wouldnt
meet anyone anyway, she could tell herself, Im going to have a great time, and this will
be fun.

Every time she found herself feeling sorry for herself, she could tell herself, There is a man
out there right now who wants a woman to love, and Im wasting precious time.

Simply by becoming more aware of how her thinking was keeping her stuck, Rosemary was
able to break out of her comfort zone and become more proactive in her own life. She spent
less time complaining about her situation to herself and more time doing something about
it. Not only did she start seeing results, but she began to feel a lot better about herself.

I was on my way to becoming a whiny old woman, she told me. I forgot the cardinal rule
of life: cant never did nothing!

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Shyness Mastery Tip #4:

Put Him First

Jenna had a problem. I always feel like people are looking at me, she said. Its like
theyre judging me or secretly laughing behind my back. If I talk to a guy, I end up barely
paying attention to what hes saying because Im trying to figure out if he likes me. I feel
utterly hopeless in social situations. Help!

In people like Jenna, shyness is a result of acute self-consciousness, where youre hyper-
aware of everything you say and do and other peoples reactions. You feel like everyone is
watching you, ready to pounce if you mess up.

Luckily, theres an easy solution.

All you have to do is realize that no one is paying that much attention to you. Theyre actu-
ally more concerned with what you are thinking of them!

You see, the root of self-consciousness is the ego, which wants you to believe that the world
revolves around you.

But its incredibly self-centered, if not selfish, to think that youre the center of attention. The
people around you have better things to do than to watch you and criticize your every move.
In fact, you can be certain that theyre spending more time wondering what everyone else
is thinking of them.

So dont waste your time worrying about what other people are thinking about you. Theyre
probably not thinking about you at all!

I remember seeing a wonderful video clip once that showed a guy and a girl chatting to one
another at the bar. The first time, you just heard what they were saying to one another. Then
you watched it again, but this time you could also hear what the girl was thinking. Then it
repeated one more time with the guys thoughts superimposed.

Sure enough, while the girl was wondering what the guy was thinking about her, he wasnt
thinking about her at all. Rather, he was wondering what she was thinking about him!

This is good news for you. It means that you shouldnt worry so much about what a guy is
thinking about you. His opinion of you matters less than your opinion of him!

So the next time youre with someone you like, dont waste your time wondering about
whether he likes you. Instead, focus on getting to know him, deciding whether you like
him or not, and then giving him positive feedback that lets him know that you enjoy his
company.

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Heres a secret that not many women know

Men tend to like women who like them.

Its really flattering when someone displays a genuine interest in you. If someone likes you,
you think that they must be pretty switched-on to have such good taste.

Men constantly run the risk of rejection when they put themselves out there to talk to a
woman, so it makes their day when they find themselves in an interesting, engaging conver-
sation with someone, and they often want to see her again.

It makes sense when you think about it like that. Of course men are more likely to pursue
someone whos enjoyed their company than someone who acted awkward, uncomfortable,
or indifferent!

So forget about whether you look alright, whether what you just said sounded stupid, or
whether hes losing interest. Instead, focus on connecting. Smile at him. Laugh. Ask him
questions. Listen actively to his responses. Demonstrate interest. In the process, you may
just find that youve completely forgotten to be self-conscious!

And heres another tip.

For Jenna, her self-consciousness was caused by her critical nature. She constantly judged
herself on everything she did. She would stand in front of a mirror and critically assess her
flaws and what she could do to cover them up.

Jennas inner critic was so loud and vocal that she couldnt imagine how anyone could fail
to see all her faults.

But she was wrong.

We tend to be much harder on ourselves than other people are.

Just think about your friends for a moment. Do you tend to focus on their flaws? Of course
not! You accept your friends just as they are, and you wouldnt want them to be perfect,
because that would make them boring.

Flaws are interesting. They add depth and complexity to our character.

As women, we tend to believe that certain things are important to men when theyre really
not. What men tend to notice about women often bears little resemblance to what women
notice about themselves.

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You may think, for example, that what you said sounded really dumb, but he may have been
focused the whole time on how soft your lips look. You may wish youd taken more time to
fix your hair, but he can only see how radiant you are.

Its been said that women tend to dress for other women rather than men. Women have a
keen sense of fashion and very strict views on what looks beautiful. Most men, on the other
hand, could care less about what you wear or those extra pounds youre packing.

Men love real women, and they know that the centerfolds in magazines are air-brushed
beyond recognition. In fact, Ive heard many men say that they would prefer to date a girl
next door to dating someone famous or super-gorgeous, because perfect women are in-
timidating. The more attractive a woman is, the more likely she is to be high maintenance,
and if theres one thing that men dont like, its a girlfriend whos hard work.

So be a little easier on yourself, and recognize that your opinions about yourself are just
that opinions. The woman you see looking back in the mirror bears only a passing resem-
blance to the woman he sees.

You see your big nose, while he sees your big smile. You see your fat thighs, while he sees
your curves. You see your crows feet, while he sees the twinkle in your eyes.

Isnt that comforting?

Shyness Mastery Tip #5:

Get Perspective

I want to talk briefly about my own experience with shyness.

When I was younger, I thought that the ultimate proof of social status was to have a popular
boy be interested in me. As long as a girl could get a boyfriend, she had a certain degree of
social clout that could never be taken away from her.

In my school, if there werent any boys interested in you (or if the only boys interested in
you were the unpopular ones), it meant that you were at risk of staying at the bottom of the
social heap. Maybe if boys couldnt find anything to like about you, there wasnt anything
to like about you at all.

You started to believe that you didnt fit in anywhere. It seemed like everyone else was bet-
ter looking, more popular, and more socially successful than you. You just wanted to shrink
inside yourself and stay small forever.

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When youre younger, you think that this is the way the world is going to work forever. You
assume that being unpopular at 16 will lead to a lifetime of solitude and social failure. You
dont realize how artificial the school environment is, or how little it resembles the real
world.

Ive often wondered what I could have told my younger self that would have made those
years any easier. What do I know now that I wish I would have known then?

The answer is this:

I wish I would have known then that being liked wasnt as important as I thought.

The opinions that the popular kids in school had about me would become completely ir-
relevant once we graduated. As I headed out into the bigger world, I quickly forgot all the
boys that Id once wanted to like me. There was so much more to life than the fishbowl of
a small school. There were interesting people to meet, interesting things to learn, and new
experiences to explore.

Looking back at my younger self from the perspective of nearly two decades later, I feel re-
assured that nothing is ever quite as important as I think it is at the time. I can see that not
getting everything I wanted was actually good for me in the long run. I am glad that my life
has turned out as it did, even if I didnt always like it at the time.

It can be very reassuring to put things in perspective like this.

What youre experiencing right now will ultimately become a very small slice of your entire
life. As important as it seems to you now, I can promise that youll barely remember more
than a few details in a couple of years.

When you can put things into perspective like that, you no longer take things quite so seri-
ously. Its not the end of the world if you dont manage to make it with the particular man
youre keen on right now. There will be other men. There are always other men.

For example, try to think back to all the boys you had crushes on in high school. Do you
remember all their names? If you met them again at a school reunion, would they still seem
as desirable to you now as they were then?

Perhaps you can start to see now why being liked by the particular man youre interested in
isnt quite as important as you felt it to be.

It may feel like the end of the world if he doesnt call you back but it isnt.

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If youre honest with yourself, you can probably see that you have a tendency to make things
into a bigger deal than they really are.

You may make sweeping statements like, If he doesnt ask me out, Ill kill myself, or, I just
knew it, Im going to be single forever.

But catastrophizing doesnt help. All that drama will only make you more nervous, worried,
and upset.

When everything is a potential catastrophe, you feed the part of yourself that gets panicked,
shy, and discouraged around men. You put so much importance on being liked that your
self-esteem starts to depend on it. You start feeling like you have no control over your life,
because your entire happiness depends on other people acting the way you want them to.
Its a downward spiral into despair.

Break the cycle by refusing to get caught up in the drama of who likes who. Put your love
life back into perspective by focusing on the other elements of your life career, family, hob-
bies, health, home with equal enthusiasm. Have faith that whatever is happening in your
life right now is happening for a reason. Trust that things will always work out for the best,
even if it doesnt seem so at the time.

Once you can master this perspective, you will find that youre not worrying quite as much.
You can let go and enjoy meeting men without stressing out over whether it will go some-
where. Youll exude a natural confidence thats born of inner peace.

Trust me: if I can do it, you can, too.

More Confidence-Building Tips

If youre interested in learning more about how you can become a more naturally confident
person in every area of your life from the social to the sexual, the personal to the profes-
sional then youre going to want to check out Supreme Self-Confidence.

Written by Slade Shaw with input from the other members of the Meet Your Sweet Team,
including myself and Mirabelle Summers, Supreme Self-Confidence takes you through every
aspect of confidence-building. Youll learn:

How to stop doubting yourself,

How to feel more comfortable making decisions,
How to stop worrying so much,

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How to get over a life event that has shaken your confidence,
How to stop depending so much on other peoples approval,
How to feel more in control of your life,
How to develop confidence in conversations and social situations,
How to deal with an embarrassing social blunder,
How to understand what makes you shy and overcome it,
How to become more confident at work,
How to stop undervaluing yourself,
How to break your fear of rejection,
How to unleash your sexual confidence,
How to ignite attraction,
How to deal with stress,
How to set goals

And much more!

Lets see what Slade himself has to say about confidence. Heres an excerpt from the intro-
duction.

Excerpt from Supreme Self-Confidence

A lack of self confidence has a tremendous negative im-

pact on your life.

When you lack self confidence, youre compromising your

career, your friendships, your relationships, your social life
in general, and your life overall.

Self confidence is absolutely central to getting ahead in life

and Im not just talking about tangible accomplishments
like getting that pay rise, promotion, or beautiful partner.

Im also talking about the intangibles that make life worth

living, like the ability to relax the ability to feel secure
and the ability to simply like and appreciate yourself.

After all, its difficult to enjoy life when youre always ques-

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tioning your own talents and doubting your abilities!

True self confidence doesnt stem from achievements. It

doesnt stem from winning awards. It doesnt stem from
receiving compliments.

It all starts from a belief in yourself and your own, in-

nate talents and abilities.

Not what other people say, not how youve reacted to

situations in the past, and not the outcomes of those
situations.

Its self belief. And that is exactly what Im going to help

you to attain.

Self-confidence is everyones right, so if youre not as confident as youd like to be, why not
try out Supreme Self-Confidence?

Youll discover nearly 200 pages of superb tips and techniques designed for fun and fast
reading, plus inspiring stories that will show you exactly how this information has already
worked in other peoples lives.

Better yet, its backed up by the Meet Your Sweet Better Than Moneyback Guarantee.

Unleash your confidence today by visiting:

www.MeetYourSweet.com/selfconfidence/women/

All the best in life and love!

Amy Waterman
Author of From First Dates to Soul Mates
Co-author of Conversation Chemistry and 2nd Chance

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