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This article is the fourth in a series of four written in that criticizes us, we have called the self within
1994 for the journal, Psychotherapy in Australia us that criticizes other people the Judge.
The Inner Critic is of special interest to
In our previous articles we spoke of the many psychotherapists, whatever their orientation
selves that make up the psyche. In this article, because of it role in emotional distress. The
we would like to concentrate upon a self that anguish caused by the Inner Critic is always a
assumes major importance in the lives of basic factor in low self-esteem and is often a
most people and is of particular interest to major impediment to any growth or change.
psychotherapists, the Inner Critic. This Inner Many of the difficulties in therapy experienced
Critic is a voice within each of us that criticizes by your clients can directly be traced to this self
us mercilessly. With an IQ of about 500 that which will question their ability to learn or to
enables it to spot all of our shortcomings, an grow or, at the very least, will attack them for
uncanny ability to read our most secret feelings, needing help in the first place. The Inner Critic
X-ray vision to reveal deficiencies that would is often directly involved in anxiety, depression,
be invisible to the naked eye, infrared tracking sleep disorders, addictions, and a variety of self-
systems that can look within our dreams at night, destructive behaviors. It is usually a key factor in
and standards of comparison that would make dysfunctional or abusive relationships.
Einstein look stupid and Mother Theresa look Most people are not even aware that there
selfish, this Inner Critic takes upon itself the task is a voice or a self speaking inside of them
of evaluating us. Needless to say, it always finds because the Inner Critics constant judgments
us falling short of expectations. When we speak have been with them since early childhood
of this Inner Critic we mean the voice within and its running critical commentary feels quite
natural. It develops early in their lives, absorbing
(or internalizing) the judgments of the people
around them and the expectations of the society
in which they live. The more difficult or abusive
the childhood, the more vicious and abusive the
Inner Critic is likely to be.
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2 The Inner Critic
according to the value system of each particular others will like her.
Hal Stone, Ph.D. & Sidra Stone, Ph.D.
culture. We have been particularly fascinated by Some mothers are more indirect than Anns,
these variations. pointing out what is wrong with the way other
For example, in America our critics are likely people dress or act so that the child will know
to criticize us if we are not special enough or if what one should not do. Some mothers do not
we do not stand out. Our Critics do not want say anything. They just look at a child with a
us to disappear in the crowd, to be ordinary. worried expression and he or she must guess
Australian Critics take the opposite view. In what is wrong!
Australia you have a saying that goes something Toms Dad observes that his son is not careful
like this: Dont be a tall poppy because tall enough when he helps with the chores, or when
poppies get their heads cut off. You are not he does his homework. He points out what Tom
supposed to stand out, to be special, or to do is doing wrong, or tells him that he is clumsy or
anything that will draw special attention to you. careless. He wants Tom to be disciplined, careful,
Therefore, the Australian Inner Critics are quite and clever. He wants all his children to be able to
judgmental towards people who stand out too be successful in life. As Tom listens to his father,
much or who try to be special. he begins to feel pretty stupid.
Anns mother and Toms father are ordinary
The Development of the Inner Critic parents. They need to succeed in making their
The Inner Critics original function is to spare children proper people - whatever that means to
us shame and pain. In the growing up process them - in order to feel good about themselves. In
parents must teach children to look good and the process of socializing a child, even the most
to behave appropriately in order to succeed in gentle and accepting parents must discourage
the world, both at home and in the workplace. or change certain behaviors, set limits, convey
Therefore parents look at their children, try their expectations and teach basic elements of personal
best to figure out what is wrong with them, and hygiene and appearance. Parenting usually
then do what they can to fix it. (The same can involves a certain amount of going against the
be true of relatives, teachers, religious leaders, childs natural inclinations. No matter how this
people at work and general acquaintances.) is done, there is an implication that there is
Anns mother fears that her daughter is something unacceptable about the child.
not attractive, and tries her best to correct the In order to protect themselves from the
problems she thinks she sees. She wants Ann pain and the shame of always being found less
to be popular at school and eventually she than they should be, a voice develops within
hopes that Ann will find a good husband. She these children that echoes the concerns of their
tries to be subtle, but she is constantly making parents, their church, or of other people who are
suggestions about how Ann might improve her important to them. This Inner Critic is a self ,
looks, her weight, her behavior. Sometimes she a separate subpersonality, that criticizes them
lets Ann know what is wrong by comparing her before their parents - or anyone else, for that
to someone else who seems to do things right. matter - can!
As Ann takes in her mothers messages, she This Inner Critic is extremely anxious, almost
begins to feel that she is not acceptable the way desperate, for them to succeed in the world and
she is, but that she must change herself before to be accepted and liked by others.
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3 The Inner Critic
As we leave childhood, this Inner Critic and has developed in childhood to make our
Hal Stone, Ph.D. & Sidra Stone, Ph.D.
continues its attempts to make us acceptable to relationships less painful and to help us to avoid
others. Unfortunately, it often does not know humiliation. It carries with it an underlying fear
when to stop. The Inner Critic does not know that we will be found unacceptable and therefore
when enough is enough. It has a tendency to will be rejected or abandoned.
grow until it is out of control and begins to Since it is deeply concerned about our
undermine us and to do real damage. At this relationships with others, the Inner Critic spends
point, its original intent gets lost. a great deal of time worrying about what others
think of us. It keeps us vulnerable and childlike
The Relationship of the and puts us at the mercy of the judgments, needs
Inner Critic to the Other Selves and demands of everyone around us. We have
The Inner Critic, in addition to its overall job of no right to be separate or to have our own needs.
policing our every move, supports our primary This puts us into the position of a child with
selves, those selves that are primary in our others, making it impossible to maintain a sense
psychological makeup and determine who we are of self, to make decisions that reflect our own
in the world. For instance, if our primary self is a needs and individuality or to establish proper
Responsible Parent, the Inner Critic will criticize boundaries. In our terms, a strong Inner Critic
any thoughts or actions that are not responsible immediately sets the stage for a parent/child
such as selfishness, self-indulgence, frivolity, bonding pattern.
irresponsibility. The latter are representative of A well-developed, strong Inner Critic does
our disowned selves. (We discussed these selves not allow us to accept compliments or love, but
in the November 1994 issue of Psychotherapy.) questions the motives or the intelligence of the
Often, if a client has made an effort to change giver, often whispering something like: If she/
his or her primary self system through therapy, her knew what you are really like! softly in our
but has not truly integrated this change, the ears. It responds to the judgments of everyone
Inner Critic will not only criticize the disowned around us by agreeing with them. Ironically,
actions, e.g.., selfish behavior, but will criticize although the Inner Critics aim is to spare us
the primary self for its shortcomings as well. judgment, it is quite likely to elicit The Judge
Thus, the client will hear her Critic make in those around us. This can happen energetically
conflicting statements such as: You are too (almost like a magnetic attraction) or directly
selfish. and You are too co-dependent and take because once the Inner Critic criticizes
too much responsibility for others. something in us, we are open and vulnerable to
the same criticism from the outside.
The Inner Critic and Relationship
Last, but certainly not least, the Inner Critic
As a therapist it is important to note that the prevents intimacy directly by shaming and
Inner Critic is a major player on the stage of abusing our Inner Child so that it cannot relate
relationship. We cannot discuss this in detail properly to others. It is this child that carries our
as we do in Embracing Your Inner Critic, but deepest sensitivities and feelings and is a major
let us look at some of the important ways in factor in truly intimate connections. When it
which it influences ones style of relating. The is frightened, abused and feels like a victim, it
Inner Critic is basically relationship-oriented cannot relate normally and naturally and the
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4 The Inner Critic
deep, soul-satisfying intimacy that it brings with Dialogue method (Psychotherapy, February,
Hal Stone, Ph.D. & Sidra Stone, Ph.D.
it is missing from all our relationships. 1995) because with this the therapist can speak
The Inner Critic is responsible for a great directly to the Inner Critic. As a therapist, you
many of the difficulties commonly experienced might address Susans Inner Critic as follows:
in relationships. As a therapist, you might find it Therapist: I understand that you are not
interesting to explore its role in the relationships pleased with the way Susan behaves. Tell
of your clients. For instance, its comments often me, what is wrong with her?
play an important role in re-creating childhood Susans Critic: Well, shes inconsiderate.
relationships, particularly if these have been She doesnt answer her mail or return her
abusive. Your client may have moved out of an phone calls quickly enough. I think that she
abusive situation with her parents or spouse, but is too self-centered, shes basically a selfish
within her is her Inner Critic repeating all the person, just like her mother always said.
old criticisms and throwing her into despair. It is Therapist: Is there anything else?
important to remain aware of the power of this Susans Critic: Yes, shes too emotional.
inner voice when working to remedy difficult When she gets upset, she forgets about her
outer situations. family and her friends. I wish she would
pay a little more attention to what other
people think. While Im thinking about it,
I wish she would pay more attention to
the way she looks. I think that shes gotten
a little careless about her appearance and
people notice things like that.
Therapist: What would you say if Susan
started to pay more attention to her
appearance?
Susans Critic: I guess I would say that
shes too self-indulgent.
Working with the Inner Critic Speaking directly to the Inner Critic in this
With this knowledge, you can work with the In- way begins to separate it from the other selves
ner Critic in any way that suits your own thera- and the client is able to view it, and its criticisms,
peutic orientation. For us, however, the first step more objectively. Initial conversations with the
in working with the Inner Critic is to show the Inner Critic usually focus upon its criticisms,
client that there is a voice within him or her that e.g.., of the clients physical appearance,
is incessantly critical. In our book, Embracing emotions, intellectual functioning, relationship
Your Inner Critic, we have likened this voice to skills, spiritual practices, etc. These conversations
a radio station that has been playing within ones often illustrate the impossibility of pleasing the
head since early childhood, a voice so familiar Inner Critic. With Susan, for example, the Inner
that it is no longer noticed. We find that the best Critic would criticize her if she did pay more
way to help the client become aware of this self attention to her appearance even though it has
and to separate from it is to utilize the Voice been criticizing her up until now for not paying
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5 The Inner Critic
enough attention. Contradictions of this type are concerned about what people will think. They
Hal Stone, Ph.D. & Sidra Stone, Ph.D.
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6 The Inner Critic
1994
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