Pagei

stopbeingmeantoyourself

 Pageii

alsobyMelodyBeattie
CodependentNoMore
BeyondCodependency
TheLanguageofLettingGo
Codependents'Guidetothe12Steps
TheLessonsofLove
JourneytotheHeart

 Pageiii

stopbeingmeantoyourself
AStoryAboutFindingTheTrue
MeaningOfSelfLove

MelodyLynnBeattie

INFORMATION&EDUCATIONALSERVICES

 Pageiv

Hazelden
CenterCity,Minnesota550120176
18003280094(TollfreeU.S.,Canada,andtheVirginIslands)
16512571331(Fax)
www.hazelden.org

1997byMelodyBeattie
Allrightsreserved.OriginallypublishedbyHarperSanFrancisco
FirstpublishedbyHazelden1998
PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica
Noportionofthispublicationmaybereproducedinanymannerwithoutthewrittenpermissionofthepublisher

LibraryofCongressCataloginginPublicationData
Beattie,Melody.
Stopbeingmeantoyourself:astoryaboutfindingthetruemeaningofselflove/MelodyLynnBeattie.

p.cm.
Originallypublished:SanFrancisco,CA:HarperSanFrancisco.c1997.
Includesbibliographicalreferences.
ISBN1568382863(pbk.)
1.Selfesteem.2.Selfacceptance.3.Beattie,MelodyJourneys
Africa,North.I.Title.
[BF697.5.S46B441998]
158dc219837947
CIP
020100999865432

CoverdesignbyDavidSpohn
TypesettingbyUniversalPress,Minneapolis,Minnesota

 Pagev

Formyreaders
ThankyouforstayingwithmewhileI'vegrowninmy
craftandinmylife.AstheVirginiaSlimscommercial
says,"We'vecomealongway,baby."

ForNelle,whopassedduringthewritingofthisbook
Nelle,youwereafortressofcourage.Youfoughtandwon
manyahardbattle.Thanksforlettingmetravelforyou
whileyourillnessconfinedyoutoyourbed.Thanksfor
yourtimeinmylife.

 Pagevii

Myhearthasbecomeastirwithagoodlymatter.Iamsaying:"Myworksareconcerningaking."Maymytonguebethestylusofaskilledcopyist.Youareindeedmorehandsome
thanthesonsofmen.Charmhasbeenpouredoutuponyourlips.ThatiswhyGodhasblessedyoutotimeindefinite.Girdyoursworduponyourthigh,Omightyone,withyour
dignityandyoursplendor.Andinyoursplendorgoontosuccess:rideinthecauseoftruthandhumilityandrighteousness,andyourrighthandwillinstructyouinfearinspiring
things.

Psalm45:14,
NEWWORLDTRANSLATIONOFTHEHOLYSCRIPTURES

 Pageix

Contents
Acknowledgments xi
ANotetotheReader xv
1.TheInterrogation 1
2.TheCrescentMoonandStar 9
3.Gunfire 25
4.ConversationswithaWarrior 41
5.Blackout 61
6.Shisha 77
7.TheSandlot 97
8.LockedintheBox 113
9.FindingtheKey 129
10.PyramidPower 147
11.ThePoundingContinues 171
12.Graduation 189
CreditsandSources 205

 Pagexi

Acknowledgments
ThishasbeenthemostchallengingbookI'vewritteninmyninebookcareer.Icouldnothavedoneitalone.ThankGod,Ididn'thavetowhichiswhatI'maboutto
do.

IgivespecialthankstoGod,theSupremeAuthorityinouruniverse,whomIhavealsocometoknow,throughthewritingofthisbook,asAllah.

NicholeandWill,thankyoubothsomuch.Nichole,yourvibrantpersonalityandwitbroughtthisbooktolifeandcontinuetomakemyheartsmile.Will,Iamso
pleased

 Pagexii

thatyou'rebecomingapartofourfamily.Ihavelovedyoufromthefirsttimeyousatinmylivingroomglowingwithyourgentlespiritandlovingways.Welcome
aboard.Thankyoubothforstayingwithmethroughthetripandthisbook.Youarethelovesofmylife.Iamsoproudofandpleasedwithbothofyou.Amother
couldn'taskformore.

Dr.SteveSherwin,thankyouforyourpatienceandskillsandyourundeviatingbeliefinthisbookandme.Manyoftheconceptsthatappearinthisbookcamefrom,
andthrough,you.Thanksforeverything.

Wendylee,therearenotenoughwordstoacknowledgewhatatrooperandcopilotyou'vebeenthroughoutthisamazinglyintense,grueling,andmagnificentprocess
thatbeganwhenIfirst(inretrospectnaively)conceivedtheideaforthisbook.ThankyouforyourunwaveringsupportandpresencewhileIwanderedthroughthe
MiddleEast.Thankyouforthequalityofyourintuitivecounsel.Thanksforthelaughs.Thanksforbeingyouandbeingthere.Iamaluckywomantohaveyouinmy
life.Whowasitthatsaid,"EveryoneshouldhaveaWendylee"?Theywereright.Weshouldallbesolucky.Thanksforbeingmyassistant,myfriend,aneditor,a
consultant,andaspiritualandanemotionaltouchstone.

Jhoni,thanksforbeingaloyalandgoodfriend.Yourwelltimedtelephonecallsandcreativeinspirationguidedmethroughsometoughspotsinthisbook.Thanksfor

 Pagexiii

beingthereforme.ThanksforbringingthespiritofL.A.intomylifeandthisbook.Thanksforyourwelltimedpersonaladvice:''Melody,stopthat.It'snotbeingnice
tothem,it'sbeingmeantoyourself.''You'rebrilliant,andyouhaveabeautifulsoul.

Toni,truefriendsaresorareinthisworld.Thanksforbringingfriendship,color,andanappreciationforbeautyintomylife.ItwasyouwhocalledmeNewYear's
Dayandsaid,"I'vemadearesolution.I'mnotgoingtobemeantomyselfanymore."Thanksforgivingmethetitleforthisbook.ThanksforintroducingmetoJerry,in
Pasadena.Thanksforgivingmearolemodelofwhatasuperiorwomanoffinecharacterreallyis.

JohnSteven,fromthebeginningwehavenothadatraditionalmothersonrelationship,butyouhavealwaysbeeninmyheart.You'vefoughtyourwaythroughmany
obstacles,andyou'vewon.Iamsoproudofyou,andsopleasedwithyourbeautifulfamilyyourwife,Jeannette,andmygrandson,Brandon.Thethreeofyouhave
doneanadmirablejob.

ImustexpressmydeepgratitudeandappreciationforthepeopleinMorocco,Algeria,andEgyptwhoopenedtheirheartsandhomestome.Essam,youhavea
sweet,gentlespirit.YourdevoutloveforAllahandyourbeliefintheexistenceofthespecialpowerscontinuetoimpressme.Thankyouforallyou'veshownme
aboutlife.Isenda

 Pagexiv

specialthankyoutothewomenofEgyptforopeningyourheartstoaforeigner.FatehandNazil,youaretheheroesofAlgiers.Youmademytimeinyourcountry
memorable."Thankyou"doesn'tseemadequate.

Finally,ShaneAnthony,thankyousomuch.Iwantedtoleaveyouagreatlegacy.Instead,youleftmeone.Oneofthemanygiftsyougavemewasyourtremendous
spiritofadventure.ItwasthatspiritthatgavemethecouragetotakethetriptotheMiddleEast,toridebytheterroristhillswithlittlefear,andtoridethatdonkey
downthestreetsofthevillageofGiza.Rememberthatnightontheisland,whenyougrabbedmyhandandsaid,"Let'sgo.""Where?"Isaid."Foranadventure,"you
replied.Thatwassixyearsago.Well,you'restilltakingmyhandandsaying,''Let'sgo."Ican'tthinkofabetterguardianangelanymomcouldeverhave.

 Pagexv

ANotetotheReader
IbasedthisbookinpartonatripItookthroughtheMiddleEastinearly1996.Itisaboutaninitiation,agatewayIwentthrough.Itisaboutagatewaymanyofusare
passingthroughasweapproachandenterthemillennium.

Itcouldbelabeledanotherselfhelpbook,butitisn'tabookoflabels.Wedon'tneedanymore.We'vegottoomanyofthem.They'retooconvenient.Theyletustalk
withoutthinking.Theyletusgiveadvicewithoutcompassion.Theymakecriticism

 Pagexvi

andjudgmenttooeasyinaworldwherecriticismandjudgmentcomeeasilyenough.It'snotabookaboutpointingafingeratanyoneandsaying,"You'redoingit
wrong."

Thisisabookaboutlearningtobekinder.It'saboutlearningtobekindertotheworldandpeoplearoundus,asmuchaspossible.Mostimportantly,itisabook
aboutlearningtheartofbeingkindertoourselves.It'sabookaboutlearningtoloveourselvesatthedeepestlevels,atlevelsperhapsdeeperthananyonehastrained
orencouragedustoloveourselvesbefore.It'saboutexaminingthedifferentwayswetorture,punish,abuse,andtormentourselvesandintheprocessofuncovering
that,perhapsdiscoveringsomeofthewayswetormentthosewelove.StopBeingMeantoYourselfisabookaboutlearningtheartoflivingandloving,andtheart
oflearningtolivejoyfullyinaworldwheremanyofuswonderifthat'spossible.

Iwroteitforpeoplestrugglingandtiredofit,peoplewhohavetriedeverythingtheyknowtohealthemselvesandtheirlivesandwhostillwonder,intheweehoursof
thenight,iftheyshouldtalktotheirdoctoraboutgoingonProzac.It'sforpeoplealreadyonantidepressants.It'sforpeoplewhowonderiftheycantrustwhatthey've
learned,wherethey'vebeen,orwherethey'regoingpeoplewhohavereadallthebooksaboutthewondersoftheupcomingmillenniumandstillfindthemselves
dealingwiththerealityoftodaypeoplewhoconsistentlyquotethefirstparagraph

 Pagexvii

fromM.ScottPeck'sbookTheRoadLessTraveledwherehesays"lifeisdifficult"becausethat'swhattheyremembermost.It'sforpeopletiredofjargonpeople
tiredofworkingsohardonthemselvesonlytofindthemselvesstayingessentiallythesameexceptforminorchangesincircumstanceandoccasionalrevelationsthey
wouldhavehadanywaypeoplewhonolongerbelievethegrassisgreenerontheotherside,buteventhatthoughtdoesnotconsolethembecausetheideathatmany
peoplearemiserableisperhapsevenmorefrighteningthantheideathatthey'vebeensingledout.It'sforpeoplewhohavestudiedpastlives,beentopsychics,
attendedalltheworkshops,regularlyvisitedtheirtherapists,andstilldon'tgetwhatit'sallaboutpeoplewhoknowhowtodealwiththeirfeelingsandwonderifthat
overwhelmingprocesswilleverendpeoplewhohavegivencontrolofpartoralloftheirlivestoothersonlytofindthemselvesrepeatedlydisappointedwhenthey
discoveredthepeopletheyturnedtoknewlessthantheydid.It'sforpeoplewhohaveglimpsesthatsomethingrevolutionary,spiritual,andtransformationalisgoing
on,butaren'tquitesurewhatthatis.

Iwrotethisbookforyoungpeople,middleagedpeople,babyboomers,andolderpeople.

Iwrotethisbookformyself.

In1986IwroteabookentitledCodependentNoMore.Insomeways,StopBeingMeantoYourselfisafollowupor

 Pagexviii

completionbooktothatone,kindofaCodependentNoMoreSomeMore.It'saspiritualwarrior'sguide,ahandbookforthemillenniumaswewatchandwonder
abouteventstocome.

ComewithmenowtothelandofScheherazade,thefabledstorytelleroftheArabianNights.Letthemessagesyoufindinthepagesthatfollowcalltoyouon
whateverleveltheywill.Ihopeno,Iknow,InshaaAllahyouwillbestirred,summonedtoanadventureinyourlifethewayIwasbythemysterious,loving,
enrapturingpowerofacrescentmoonandstarilluminatingtheskyonequietChristmasnight.

MELODY

 Page1

chapter1
TheInterrogation
"Hurry,"ItoldthetaxidriveraswewoundourwaythroughthevillageofGiza.

Heturnedaroundtolookatme."Hurry?"hesaid,imitatingthewordwithanArabicaccent.Obviouslyhedidn'tunderstand.

"Yes,hurry.Fast,"Isaid,makingaquick,sweepinggesturewithmyhand.

"Oh."Henoddedinrecognition.

"Quickly!"

"Yes,quickly."

 Page2

Ithadbeenastrangeexperience,spendingthelastthreeweeksincountrieswherefewpeoplespokeEnglishandmybestFrenchwasa"Bonsoir,Pierre"that
soundedasifIwasparrotingacheaplearntospeakFrenchtape.Iturnedaroundforafinallookatthepyramids.Litforthenightshows,theyglowedmysticallyon
thedesertskyline.Isankdownintotheseatandclosedmyeyes.Now,mydriverwasdutifullyhurrying.Icouldn'tlook.Cairoisacitywithsixteenmillionpeople
crammedintoanareathatwouldhouseaquarterofamillionpeopleintheUnitedStates.Ridinginacarthereiscomparabletodrivingthe405freewayinLos
Angeleswithnomarkedlanesandnohighwaypatrolofficerswithquotas.

Manyeventsandsituationsnolongersurpriseus,butwestilldon'tbecomeusedtothem.That'showIfeltaboutthedrivingintheMiddleEast.Itnolongersurprised
me,butIwasn'tusedtoit.IfeltrelievedwhenwepulledintotheparkinglotattheCairoAirport.Iwasastepclosertohome.JustasIhadfeltconvincedIwasto
comeonthistrip,despitetheStateDepartment'straveladvisorywarningagainstit,Iwasnowequallyconvinceditwastimetoleave.IhadfeltalmostpanickyasI
checkedoutofmyhotel,thenhailedacabtothevillageofGizatosaygoodbyetoEssambeforeheadingfortheairport.

Ihadplannedtostayhereforseveralmoreweeks.IcouldtellEssamfeltdisappointedthatIwasleavingso

 Page3

soon.Buthehadrespectedmydecisiontoleave,voicingnoobjectionsandaskingonlyafewquestions.UponmyarrivalinCairo,hehadtaughtmethemeaningof
theArabicphrase"Insha'aAllah."

HeexplainedittomeoneeveningwhenItoldhissisterandauntgoodbyeandtheysaidtheyfeltsaddenedtoseemeleave.

"Don'tworry,"Isaid."Iwillbebacksoon.Ipromise."

"Don'tsaythat,"Essamcorrectedme."Neversay'Iwilldothis.'Insteadsay'IwilldothisInsha'aAllah.'"

"Whatdoesthatmean?"Iasked.

"IfGodwillsit,"hesaid.

MytimeintheMiddleEasthadbeenadreamvacationwell,morelikeacodependent'sdreamvacation.Butthesamevortexthathadpropelledmeherehadtaken
meeachplaceIneededtogotoresearchthisbook.Bynow,researchingthebookhadcometomeanresearchingapartofmeandmylifethatneededtoheal.There
weretimesitfeltmorelikeaninitiationthanresearch.

It'sastrangethingwhenwe'reinthemiddleofavortex.Outsideavortex,wewatchandjudge.Sometimeswedon'tevenseeorfeelit.Butthecloserweget,the
morewe'redrawnintoit.Itspowerbeginspullingonusaswegetcloserandcloser.Thenwe'resuckedintothemiddleoftheexperiencewithachaoticrushof
emotionsuntilattheverycenterwefindpure,absolutepeacealthoughifwe're

 Page4

conscious,weknowwe'reinavortex.Weknowwe'reinthemidstofsomething,learningsomething.Then,suddenly,it'stimetoleave.Theenergyweakens.We
begintogetthrustoutpushedoutbutit'sstillnecessarytopassthroughthewhirlingcentrifugalforce.Sometimesitspitsusoutsometimesweextricateourselves.
Butit'salwaysacentrifugal,almostmagnetic,pushandpull.It'svortexenergy.It'sthewaytheforcesoftheuniverseworklatelyDorothyshowedusthisalongtime
agoinTheWizardofOz.

Vortexesdon'tjustdestroy,thewaytornadoessometimesdo.Vortexesdon'tjustsuckusdownunder,likeeddiesinthesea.Theyheal,energize,teach,empower,
cleanse,enlighten,andtranspose.Theyliftusupandsetusdowninanewplace.Theybringnewenergyin.Theydischargetheold.We'reneverthesameagainafter
avortexexperience.

That'sthewaythistriphadbeen.EachplacethevortexhadsetmedownfromthemuseumsinParis,tothecasbahinRabat,totheterroristinfestedhillsof
Algiershadheldalesson,animportantone.EachexperienceI'dbeenthroughhadbroughtmeclosertothemissingpieceIwassearchingfor:stumbling,mythigh
highstockingsbunchedaroundmyankles,throughthecrowdedCairosoukattwointhemorningridingadonkeythroughthevillageofGizagallopingonhorseback
acrossthedeserttomeditateinsideapyramid.

Andjustaselephantstummyrumble,callingtoeach

 Page5

otheraboutthemysteriesoflife,thepeopleImetandlearnedfromhadcalledtomeFatehandNazilinAlgiers,thewomen''lockedinthebox"inCairo,andmy
newfriend,Essam.

Butnowthevortexwasspittingmeout.Itwastimetogo.

Aswemadeourwaytotheairport,aquietthoughthauntedme.It'snotoveryet.Iignoredit.IwantedoutIwantedtogohome.

Ireachedtheentrancetotheairport.AttheCairoterminal,thefirstsecuritycheckisatthedoor.Iputmyluggageontheconveyorbeltandwalkedintothebuilding.
Threeyoungmenscurriedtopullmysuitcasesoffthebelt.Ithankedthem.Eachyoungmanthenstoodwithhishandout,waitingforagratuity.Ishovedafew
Egyptianpoundsineachpalm,loadedmyluggageonacart,andstartedpushingthecartacrosstheterminal.Afourthmanrusheduptome.

"Metoo,"hesaid,grabbingmoneyoutofmypocket.

"Stopthat.You'redisgusting,"Iscreamedundermybreath,thewaywescreamwhenwe'reoutinpublicandwedon'twantanyonetoknowwe'rescreaming."You
didn'teventouchmyluggage.Nowgetaway."

IrelaxedwhenIreachedthenextsecuritycheckafewmomentslater.IhadoriginallyplannedtoflytoGreece,thenflyhomefromthere.Becauseofmysudden
changeinplans,IhadreroutedthroughTelAviv.Myflightto

 Page6

TelAvivdidn'tleaveforhalfanhourthelineaheadmovedquickly.Irelaxed.Iwasonmyway.

Suddenlyamanandayoungwomanwithlongdarkhairandpiercingeyes,probablyinherlatetwenties,appearedbymyside.Theybothworeuniforms.

''Comewithus,please,"thedarkhairedwomansaid.

Theyledmetoatableinanareaoftheroomremovedfromthehubbuboftheterminal.Theyplacedmysuitcasesonthetable.Themansteppedback.Thewoman
didallthetalking.

Itbeganslowly,thenbuiltinintensity."WhyareyouflyingtoTelAviv?Didyouknowtheplanehadbeendelayed?Whydidyouchangeyourplans?"

Thewomanlookedsimilartosomeoneyoumightseeworkingasareceptionistorwalkingaroundacollegecampus.Butshedidn'tactthatway.Shelookedright
throughmeintosomespacebehindmethatonlyshecouldsee.Eachquestionledtothenext.Hervacantlookandlackofemotionseitherinherquestionsortomy
responsesfeltlikeapassivedisguisefortrainedsavagery.

Toeachofmyresponses,sherepliedsimply,"Isee."Shedidwithwordswhatmostpeoplecanonlydowithknivesorguns.She'sgood,Ithought.Realgood.Icould
havelearnedafewthingsfromheraboutferretingoutthetruthfrompeople,especiallythoseyearsI'dbeenmarriedtoanalcoholic.Themandidn'tspeaktome,but
occasionallyshe

 Page7

wouldturntohimandthey'ddiscusssomethinginalanguageIcouldn'tunderstand.Once,Itriedtoturntheconversationaround.

"ItfeelsgoodtotalktosomeonesofluentinEnglish,"Isaid."Youspeakthelanguagewell.HaveyoulivedinAmerica?"Sherepliedquickly,withoutemotionor
explanation,thatshehadspenttimeinCanada,thensheresumedherquestioning.

"ItsaysonyourticketsthatyoupurchasedthemshortlybeforeyourdeparturefromtheUnitedStates.Whywouldyoudecidetotakeatripofthismagnitudeonsuch
shortnotice?"thewomanasked."Whywouldyoutravelalonetoalltheplacesyoudid?Whatwereyoudoinginthesecountries?"

Ididn'tcompletelyunderstandthemaelstromthathadwhirledmeacrossthissubterraneanland.Ididn'tunderstandwhatwashappeningtomerightnow.ButIbegan
tounravelthemysteryforherasbestIcould.

 Page9

chapter2
TheCrescentMoonandStar
IopenedthecurtainsinmyhotelroomandstaredoutthewindowatthestrangecombinationofsootcoveredmodernhighrisesandoldArabicshopsthatmakeup
theCasablancaskyline.Thenoisefromradios,honkingcars,andshiphornscreatedanirritatingcacophonoussymphony.Womenhiddenunderveilsanddarkeyed
mencrammedthenarrowsidewalks,rushing,hurryingsomewhere.

Itwasthebeginningofmytrip.Iwasintheheartofthecityoverlookingtheharboronthe

 Page10

Atlanticcoastline.CasablancaisthelargestportinMorocco,theeconomiccapitalofthecountry,andthefourthlargestcityintheArabworld.Romanticillusionshad
filledmyheadabouttheexoticbeautyIwouldfindhere.Ihadimaginedscenerysuchasthatpicturedintravelbooksstonestructureswithpottery,foliage,andthe
useofvibrantcolorssoreminiscentofthispartoftheworld.

CasablancahadallthecolorsIhadanticipated.Anexoticcombinationoftangerine,red,gold,blue,andgreendecoratedmyhotelroom.ButCasablancawasnot
whatIhadexpected.Povertyborderingondesperationpermeatedmostofthisseaportcityincludingthisfourstarhotel.Thevibrationsemanatingfromthisplace
weresoforeign,soexotic,sodensemybodycouldbarelyadjust.

IhadflownintoCasablancafromParisthenightbeforelast.ItwasdarkwhenIarrived.Onthewayinfromtheairport,Inoticedthatdriversdidn'tbotherusing
headlightsatnight,exceptmomentarilywhentheyapproachedanoncomingcar.Itsavedonbatteries.

ParishadbeeneverythingIalwaysimagineditwouldbefromallthestoriesIheardaboutmyFrenchancestry,frommyyearsstudyingFrenchinhigh
school,andfromallthetimesIhadseentheEiffelTowerinmagazinesandmovies.

IchosewhatIthoughtwouldbeafinehotelformystayinParis.Butwhenthemanageropenedthedoortomyroom,Ifeltinstantlyoverwhelmed.The
roomlookedsoformal,so

 Page11

beautiful,soelegantandrefined.SoFrench.Itwaslikeapalace.TheroomwasstuffedwithLouisXVantiques.Anoilpaintingframedingoldhung
prominentlyoverthebed.Allthefurnishingsintheroomwereedgedingold.Ijuststoodandstared,mymouthagape.

"C'estbien?"themanagerasked.

Ihadnoideawhathewastalkingaboutnonewhatsoever.ItriedtoretrievesomekindofmemoryfromaFrenchclassofthirtyyearsago,butIcouldn't.

IspentmostofmyfirstdayinFranceinmyroomrestingupfromthetripfromtheUnitedStates,adjustingtothetimechange,andfeelingintimidatedby
theluxury.Then,Igrabbedsomemagazinesandstudiedtheattractions.IwasflyingoutofParisthefollowingday,butIwasdeterminedtoseeafew
sightsbeforeIleft.

OnmywaytotheairportformyflighttoCasablanca,Ididawhirlwindtour.Isatonastoneledgeatascenicoverlookandstaredoutthroughthewinter
fogattheEiffelTower.IstrolledthroughtheMuseumofMan,aspecialhistoricalexhibit.Thismuseumisdividedintosectionsthatrepresentthevarious
countriesinAfricathecontinentwheremanyanthropologistsbelievehumanlifeoriginatedonthisplanet.Eachcountry'sdisplaydepictsscenesaboutthe
sameissuespeoplehavestruggledwithsincethebeginningoftime:birth,health,marriage,family,religion,divination,anddeath.ThenIracedthroughthe
Louvre,brieflyconnectingwithsomeofthemostbreathtaking

 Page12

artintheworldasthevortexfunneledmedeeperintotheheartofthistour.

IhadchosenParisbecauseIwantedtogetofftoagoodstart,onewithalittleflairandcomfort,asIhadexpectedmytimeintheMiddleEasttobestressfuland
probablydeprivedofcomfort.Now,staringoutthewindowinmyroominCasablanca,itlookedasifIhadbeenright.Iwasn'tlookingforcomforthere,anyway.I
waslookingforsomethingelse.

IplannedtospendafewdayshereinCasablanca.Iwouldstoremyluggageatthishotel,thenflyintoAlgeriatomorrow,carryingonlyabackpack.Iwouldstayin
Algeriaforafewdays,maybeaweek.Iwouldn'tdecideforcertainuntilIarrivedthereandsawwhatwashappening.ThenIwouldflybackhere,getmyluggage,
andgoontoCairo.Fromthere,IthoughtpossiblyIwouldflytoGreece.OtherthanforthefinallegofthetripinGreece,Ihadmadehotelarrangementsforatleast
thefirstnightineachcityIplannedtovisit.Iwantedtobeflexibleandlettherhythmofeachcountryandtherhythmofthestorythatunfoldedguidemyplans.

Iclosedthecurtainsandrodetheelevatordownstairstothehotellobby.Outsidethecombinationrestaurantandbar,aHumphreyBogartlookalikesmiledand
noddedtowelcomeme,hisheadbobbinglikeahumanpuppet.Iwentin,satdownatthebar,andorderedacafaulait.

 Page13

Ilookedaroundtheroom.Thereweretwootherpeopleincludingthebartenderbesidesme.Thebartenderworeanavyblue,shortwaistedsuitthatresembleda
militaryuniform.Achicwomanwithshortblackhairandwearinghighplatformshoessatinaboothtomyleft.Shelookedasifshewereinherlatetwenties,maybe
fromItaly.Shekeptglancingtowardthedoorway.Iassumedshewaswaitingforsomeone.

Whenthebartenderbroughtmycoffee,Ilookedatthemilk,hesitatingforjustamoment.IwantedtobecarefulaboutwhatIateanddrankonthistrip.Hell,Iwas
carefulathome.Buttheyboiledthewaterforcoffee.Thisshouldbefine.Ipouredthewarmmilkintothedemitasseofespresso.

"It'squiethere,"Isaidtothebartender.

"It'sRamadan,"hesaid.

AlthoughIhadheardaboutRamadan,Ihadnotbeenawareitwouldbetakingplaceduringmytravels.RamadanisamonthoffastinginIslamiccountries,themonth
whenMuslimsbelieveGodorAllahsenttheKorandowntoMohammed,theprophetandfounderoftheIslamicfaith.IslamicreligionprohibitsMuslimsfrom
eating,drinking,smoking,andsexualactivityduringdaylighthoursfromdawntoduskduringRamadan.Ramadanendswhenareliablesourcesightsthenew
moon.Muslimsconsiderthisatimenotsomuchofdeprivation,butofobediencetoGod.

 Page14

"Whereareyoufrom?"thebartenderasked.

ItoldhimIwasfromtheUnitedStates,feelingcomplimentedbyhisquestion.Ihadwantedtoblendin,tonotstandoutasanAmericantouristtraipsingthroughthe
MiddleEast.Todothat,myfriendandhairdresser,Angelo,hadcutmyhairtolessthantwoincheslong,thencoloreditalmostpitchblack.Ihadcarefullychosen
dark,inconspicuousclothingforthistrip.

"Businessorpleasure?"thebartenderasked.

"Business,"Isaid."I'mawriter."

"Whatbringsyouhere?"heasked.

"Astory,"Isaid."Butitdidn'treallybringmehere.I'mjustinMoroccotogetmybearingsandfindaplacetostoremyluggage.Tomorrow,I'mflyingintoAlgiers."

Wronganswer,Ithought,seeingthescowlonhisface.Iwasusedtothatlookbynow.IprovokeditwheneverItoldsomeoneIwasgoingtoAlgeria.Ihadseenthat
lookonChristmasDay,backhomeinLosAngeles,whenIhadtoldmyfriendMaurice,aMoroccanFrenchmanwholivesintheUnitedStates,thatIwasgoingto
Algiers.Thescowlingdisapprovalnolongerbotheredme.Ihadn'tletitstopmewhenIplannedthistrip.Icertainlywasn'tgoingtoletitstopmenow.Idugouta
handfulofdirhams,theMoroccancurrency,paidformycoffee,walkedoutside,andhailedacab.

"Takemetothesouk,please,"Isaidtothedriver.

 Page15

"Thesouk?"thedriverasked,lookingatmelikeIwascrazy.

"Yes.Thesouk,"Isaid.

Ihadheardaboutsouksbeforemytripbegan.Theywerehugemarketplaces,citieswithinacity,oldArabtownstuckedawayinthemidstofurbanhighrises.Iheard
thatsomepeoplespenttheirwholelivesinsouks.Theywereborn,lived,anddiedinthere.Onetravelagentsaidpeoplecangoinandneverbeseenagain.Ihadalso
heardstoriesaboutthewonderfulopenairherbmarketsinthesouks,theclothing,food,andsilvergoods.Iwantedtoseeformyself.

Thedriverparkedthecaratanintersectionwherethestreetsbegantonarrowtoonelane.

"We'rehere,"hesaid.

"Waitforme,"Iinstructedhim."I'llbebackinanhour."

HesmiledasifheknewsomethingIdidn't.

Ilastedfiveminutes.Ihadwalkedonlytwoblockswhenthreemen,probablyintheirearlytwenties,beganfirstfollowing,thenclosinginonme.Ihurriedlycrossed
thestreetandranbacktothecab,makingmywaythroughtheshovingpeople,thebicyclists,andtheoldwoodencarts.

"I'mdonehere,"Isaid."Takemebacktothehotel,please."

Ireturnedtomyroomandbeganrearrangingmyluggage,preparingfortomorrow'sflighttoAlgiers.Ihad

 Page16

traveledalot,bothintheUnitedStatesandaroundtheworld.SometimesIhadgoneforpleasure.Mostly,itwasforbusiness.In1989,duringoneofthe
controversiesinCentralAmerica,IhadgonetoHonduraswithsomeothermediapersonnelfromMinnesota.Itwaspartofmyworkasajournalistforthedailypaper
inthetownwhereIlived.WehadflowntoPanamaandHondurasinanAirForcebomber.Afivestargeneralhadgivenusatour.Wewerekeptunderarmedguard
inahotel.ThenwewereflownintotheheartofHondurasinahelicopter.

Iwasusedtogoingoutandfindingthestory.

Onlythistime,Iwasgoingalone.

Ibroughtmysuitcasesdowntothehotellobbyandaskedtheconciergetosecuremyluggageforafewdays.Ithankedhim,tuckedmyclaimchecksinmypurse,and
returnedtomyroom.Itdidn'tlookasifmuchweregoingtohappenhere.Thiscitywasn'topeningupforme.IguessIhadn'texpecteditto.Ihadonlyintendedthisto
beasafeplacetostoremyluggagewhileIflewintothenotsosafeneighboringcountryofAlgeria.

Asthesunset,thechantingfromtheeveningprayersrosefromthemosquesscatteredthroughoutthecity,fillingtheairlikeverbalincense.Lightningflashed,thunder
crackled,andthesoundofthehowlingwindsintermingledwiththeprayersandsongs.Thenthewindsbegantoblowsohardthewindowsrattledandshook.

 Page17

Irememberedthefirsttimethewindshadblown,thewindsofthevortexthatbroughtmehere.ItwasthenightafterThanksgiving.They'restrangewinds,
theSantaAnas.Theyblowhard,yetwarm.They'redifferentfromanywindI'veeverfelt.

Thenextday,IdiscoveredtheSantaAnashadblownsohardtheywhiskedmygarbagecanaway.WhileIstoodonthestreetbehindmyhouselookingfor
mytrashcan,mydaughter,Nichole,pulledintothedrivewaywithherboyfriend,Will.

IlikeWill.He'sanactorinLosAngeles.He'syoung,buthe'shadadegreeofsuccessalready.Hehasagoodspiritandagoodheart.Ilikedhimfromthe
firsttimeNicholebroughthimhomeandintroducedhimtome.

Thatday,NicholeandWillwereglowingwhentheygotoutofthecar.Theyhadsomethingimportanttotellme.

''Wehadagreatexperiencelastnight,''Nicholesaid."WethoughtweweregoingtoVenicetohavedinnerwithsomefriendsofafriend.Itturnedouttobe
morethanthat,though.MasterHuangwasthere.He'saspecialholymanfromTaiwan.HeonlycomestotheUnitedStatesonceortwiceayear.Hepulled
Willandmeaside,talkedtousforawhile,andaskedusifwewantedtoreceiveourTao.Wesaidyes.Sowewentthroughthisbeautifulceremonyandgot
ourTao.WealsogottheThreeTreasures,thethreesecretstolife.ButIcan'ttellyouaboutthose.Wepromisednotto."

Nicholetriedtoexplainmoreaboutthismysterious

 Page18

ceremonyandexactlywhatitmeant,butIdidn'tunderstand.

"Mostly,gettingyourTaomeansthatyourkarmahasended,"Nicholesaid."Wedon'thavetoreincarnateorrecycleagain,evermore."

Ihaveneverunderstoodkarma.Idon'tknownotinthewayajournalistneedstoknowwhetherreincarnationexistsornot.SometimesIthinkifwe
caresomuchaboutrecyclingcans,Godwouldprobablywanttorecyclesouls.Asforkarma,whateveritisandwhateveritmeans,ithasalwayssounded
liketroubletome.AndIcertainlywishedIcouldgetminetoend.

Iglancedupanddowntheroadonemoretime,asifstaringhardenoughcouldbringthatgarbagecanback.ThenIgaveupandheadeddownthe
stairwayleadingtothehouse.

"Tellmethesecrets,"IsaidtoNichole.

Sherefused.

"I'myourmother,"Isaidfirmly.

Sherefused.

"Aretheylike..."

"Letitgo,Mom,"shesaid."I'mnottelling."

Ididn'tthinkaboutthevortex,theThreeTreasures,MasterHuang,karma,ormytrashcanagainforawhile.

Astheendoftheyearapproached,Iwasbusywiththeholidaysandmytravelpreparations.Iwasn'texcitednotthewaywefeelwhenwe'regoingona
vacation.Iknewthenthistripwasgoingtobeintense.Myplanwastoresearchmynextbook,butIknewfromthestartitwasaboutmorethan

 Page19

research.Thetripwasanimportantpartofmylife.ItwassomethingIhadtodo.

WhenIsawthatcrescentmoonandstarintheskyonChristmasnight,IknewforsureIhadtogo.Thenewspaper,theradio,alltheguestswhohadcome
tomyhouseforChristmasDaywerebuzzingaboutthiscrescentmoonandstarinthesky.Thenewspaperwascallingitaphenomenon"VenusKissing
theMoon."Ididn'tknowaboutallthat:IonlyknewhowIfeltwhenIstoodoutsideandlookedupatthatbeautifulsliverofmoonwiththeglowingstarat
itstip.

Ithadbeenonlythenightbefore,ChristmasEve,thatIhadtoldNicholetheChristmasstory.WeweredrivingintoSantaMonicatodosomelastminute
shopping.ShewantedtogetabookforWill,andoneortwoothersmallgifts.Webothfeltalittledispirited.

HolidayshadbeendifficultsincemysonShanedied.Thisholidayseasonwasnoexception.While"DecktheHalls"blaredontheradio,adullthrobbing
painpoundedineachofus.ThiswasourfifthChristmassinceShanesdeath.Thisholidaypaindidn'tsurpriseusanymore,butwestillweren'tusedtoit.I
wantedtocheerupNichole:Iwantedusbothtofindsomemeaning,eveninthepain.SoIjuststartedtalkingwhilewedrovedownthePacificCoast
Highway.

"Youknow,everyonetalksabouttheChristmasstory,andtheytalkaboutnoroomintheinn,andtheytalkaboutalltheeventsthattookplacethatday,"I
said."Butsomeotherthings

 Page20

happened,too,thatwereanimportantpartofthatstory.Doyouknowthatthreemenwecallthemwisemen,orMagilookedupintheskyandsawa
star?Theyhadenoughfaithinthemselves,intheirhearts,inGod,andintheuniversetostartoutonajourneyacrossthelandtobepartofsomethingthat
theycouldn'tsee,couldn'tknow,couldn'ttouchcouldn'tevenreadabout.Theyjusthadafeeling,asense.Theyknewhowconnectedtheyweretothe
universe.Theyknewthatstarmeantsomethinganditmeantsomethingimportant.TheyknewhowconnectedGodwastotheuniverse,totheworld
aroundthem.SotheystartedtheirjourneytoBethlehematripthattookmonths,maybeyears,acrossthedesert.

"Yes,thedayJesuswasbornisimportant.Soisthemessageofhavingfaithandofhonoringourconnectiontotheuniverseandhowitspeakstous.Sois
thestoryofthewisemen,andhowtheymusthavefelt,andwhatittookforthemtomakethattrip.That'saChristmasstory,too,"Ifinishedquietly.

Manysubtleincidentsandeventshadledtothistripandpropelledmeintoit.IhadknownforyearsinthatquietwayweknowthingsthatIwouldsomedaybe
journeyingintoAfrica,althoughIhadn'tknownexactlywhenorwhere.Asthetimeforthistripdrewcloser,mysenseofknowingtherighttimeandplacebecame
clearer.

Lastyear,toresearchameditationbookIwasworkingon,IhadloadedmycomputerinmyJeepandtraveledforseveralmonthsaroundthewesternUnitedStates.
Thattrip

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hadbeenresearchforthatbookandatesttoseeiftheuniversewoulddancewithmeandtellmethestoryIwastryingtowriteandlearn.

Itdid.Andthattrippreparedmeforthistrip.

NowIwashereasajournalist,astoryteller,andastudent.IwasabouttotestmyskillsintheMiddleEast.

Inlookingback,Ithinkmywholelifeleduptothistriporatleastthelasttenyears.ItwasasifIhadbeensearchingforamissingpiece.Ihadbeensearchingforit
sinceIwroteCodependentNoMore.NomatterwhatIdidortried,Icouldn'tfindit.Isuspectedthistripwouldholdthekeytothatmissingpiece.

Then,onNewYear'sEve,whenthewindsofthatoldvortexblewagain,IknewforsurethistripwouldleadmetowhatIwaslookingfor.

Thatnight,Iwenttoaparty.Iwasn'tfeelingtoosocial,soIleftthepartyearly.Bythen,thewindswereblowingsohardIcouldbarelystanderectasI
walkedtomycar.

Iwenthomeandwrotealistofallmyresentments,fears,betrayals,anddeaddreams.Itossedthepagesinthefireplaceandsetthemonfire.Isatcross
leggedonthefloorandwatchedmylistturntoashes.

Momentslater,allthelightsinthehouseblackedout.Thenthewindsblewsohardthatthewindowsrattledandthehouseshook.Mybird,Max,felloffher
perch.Iopenedhercagedoorandletherjumponmyshoulder.Ifoundaflashlight,

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turnediton,andsetitonthetable.WejustsattheremybirdandIinthemiddleofthatfloor,listeningtothewindsshakethehouse.

Thenextmorning,whenIwentoutside,mytrashcanwasgone.Thewindshadblownitawayagain.

WhatIdidn'tfullyunderstand,orunderstandatall,wasthatonNovember25,1995,thetimewhenthewindshadblownbefore,agroupofpeoplehad
assembledinabackroomofasmallhouseinVenice,California.ThehouseisonlyacoupleblocksfromthepoundingPacificCoastandthefamousVenice
boardwalk.Whilerollerskatersskatedbytheopenairshops,carefullyavoidingtheeyesofthederangedbeggars,MasterHuangceremoniouslyawarded
theTaotothetwelvepeoplesittingonmetalfoldingchairsinthebackroom.

Firstthemen,thenthewomen,werecalledbynametocometothefrontoftheroom.EachpersonkneltaccordingtotheplacetheChinesewoman
assistingMasterHuangindicated.Thealtarglowedwithcandles.Agirlofaboutnineteentenuouslytookapositioninthebackrowofthewomenkneeling
beforethealtar.TheChinesewomanmotionedforthegirltotradeplacesandtakethehonoredpositioninfrontoftheincensepot.Thegirlheldthe
incenseandplacedit,attheappropriatetime,inthecontainer,asshehadbeeninstructedtodo.

MasterHuangrecitedaseriesofliturgiesinChinese.Stumblingoverthewords,theparticipantsrepeatedthesesacredChinesephrases.MasterHuang
thentoldthepartici

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pantsthattheirnameswerenowofficiallyrecordedintheBookofLifeandthattheyhadjustreceivedtheirTao.Hewentontosaythatjustasthecandles
onthealtarburnedbrightly,sodidthelightwithineachofthem.ThosepeoplewhohadreceivedtheirTao,includingthenineteenyearoldgirl,returned
totheirchairs.

Carefully,soastobeunderstoodwithhisChineseaccent,MasterHuangthengaveeachparticipanttheThreeTreasures.HetracedtheThreeTreasuresto
theirbiblicalorigins.TheneveryoneintheroomtookavowofsecrecyconcerningtheseTreasures.

Beforetheceremonyended,MasterHuangtoldeachparticipantthatheorshehadnowreceivedthekeystothekingdomofheavenintheafterlifeandin
thisworld.Theirkarmahadended.Reincarnationwouldcease.Theyhadreachedandachievedthestatetheancientscalledenlightenment.

Itwasasignofthetimes,agiftofthetimes.

Now,lyingonmybedinthehotelroominCasablancalisteningtotheprayersofRamadanmixedwiththehowlingwinds,IknewIhadchosentobehereinthe
MiddleEastataspirituallypowerfultime.Thiswasn'tanaccident.Itwastimeformetoremember,andtrust,whyIwashere.

WhenmyfriendAngelohadcutmyhair,hehadcalledthisexcursion"anadventure."Butitwasn'tadaredeviltrip.Itwasmorethanthat.

Sometimesinlife,wefeelledtodothingsthatdon't

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seemrational.Thistripwasoneofthosethings.PeoplehadscowledandsaidtheycouldnotunderstandwhyIwouldwanttogototheplacesIwasgoing.Therehad
beentimesitsoundedcrazytome,too.ButIhadscrutinizedmymotivesandtalkedtoafewtrustedpeople,whoagreed.Althoughitappearedcrazy,itwasn't.Iwas
willingtodoanythingandgoanywheretofindthestorythestoryforthisbookandformylife.AndIknewIcouldfindthatstoryintheMiddleEast.

Thistripwasaleapoffaith.

Thiswasabusinesstrip.Thiswasapersonaltrip.Butthiswasadestinytrip,too,"IsaidtothewomaninterrogatingmeintheairportinCairo."Ihadallsortsof
illusionsaboutthistrip.IhaddreamsabouttravelingtothedeepestpartsofAfrica,onsafari.MaybeI'dlearnsomethingfromthePygmytribes,somemagicalsecrets
tolife.OrmaybeI'dhaveagrandrevelationinthepyramidsaboutthemysteryoflifeafterdeath."

"Isthatwhathappened?"thewomanasked,hereyespenetratingmysoul.

"WhatIlearnedabout,"Isaid,"wasthemysteryoflifebeforedeath."

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chapter3
Gunfire
Justaspeoplereporthearingasoundliketherumblingofafreighttrainbeforeatornadopassesby,Iheardtherumblingsofthevortexthatpickedmeupfrommy
homeinsouthernCaliforniaandcarriedmeacrossthenorthernrimoftheAfricancontinentlongbeforeithit.IknewforyearsthatIwouldsomedayventureinto
Africa.ButIdidn'tknowitwouldbeAlgeriauntilthemonthbeforeIleft.

"GotoFrance.GotoItaly.GotoGreece.Butdon'tgotoAlgeria,"myfriendMauricehad

 Page26

warnedmeonChristmasnightwhenhelearnedofmyplans.

Hiswarningwasn'tnews.IhadreadthetraveladvisoryissuedbytheUnitedStatesgovernment.Terroristactivitieswererampant.Anumberofforeignershadbeen
kidnappedandkilledinrecentyears.Travelingtherewasnotadvised,andAmericanswhochosetobethereanywaywereinstructedtohavearmedprotection.I
wouldbeawomantravelingalone,withnogunsorbodyguard.YetIwasdrawnthere.IknewIhadtogo.IalsoknewI'dbesafe.Icouldn'texplainthistoMaurice.
Ididn'ttry.

"I'mnotkidding,Melody,"Mauricehadrepeated."It'sdangerous.Youcouldbekilled.They'reinthemidstofacivilwar."

"Maurice,don'tfuss.I'llbefine,"Ihadsaid."I'velivedmostofmylifeinthemidstofacivilwarmineagainstmyself..."

Now,inCasablanca,Icheckedoutofmyhotelroom,hailedacab,andheadedfortheairporttocatchmyflighttoAlgiers.Itwas6:00A.M.Thecabwasdirty.It
stunk.Theupholsteryontheseatwasrippedtoshreds.Thecabdriverlookedasifhehadsleptallnightinhiscar.

"Youwon'tlikeCasablanca,"myfriendMauricehadsaid."It'sadirtyseaportcity."

MauricehadbeenrightaboutCasablanca.Forjustamoment,asIboardedtheairplane,IwonderedifhewasrightaboutAlgeria,too.

 Page27

Afewmonthsbeforethistrip,IhadvisitedanoldChinesehealerinPasadena,agentleBuddhistmonkwhousedfewwords.Heworkedonmyenergy,mychi,fora
while.''You'removingtoanewlevel,''hesaid."That'sallyouneedtoknowfornow.Gothroughthemotionsoftakingcareofyourself.Sitwiththepain,andallyour
emotions,thebestthatyoucan.Doyourdailydisciplines.Andbegentlewithyourself."

Videogames,thekindthatcomewithacomputer,oftenhavedifferentlevelsofplay:beginner,intermediate,andmaster.Whenyoumovetoanewlevelofplay,it
doesn'tgeteasier.Itbecomesmoreofachallenge.Theplayingfieldislarger.Theactionisfasterandmorecomplicated.

InAikido,oranyothermartialart,therearemanydifferentlevels,ordans,ofskill.Eachtimeastudentmovestothenextlevel,heorshehastopassatest.Andwhen
thestudentreachesthatnewlevel,it'snoteasier.Heorsheisrequiredtousealltheskillsacquiredsofar,pluslearnnewones.Thenewlevelismorecomplicated,
moredifficult,andmoreofachallenge.Andhoweveraccomplished,thestudentbeginsanewasastudentatthenewlevel.

Theplacewhereamartialartstudentpracticesiscalledadojo.Thatmeansplaceofenlightenment.Somepeoplesayourlivesareourdojo.

Ihadmovedtonewlevelsbefore.

Fifteenyearsago,Iwassixyearsintoamarriage

 Page28

toanalcoholic.Intheprocessoffranticallytryingtodoeverythingright,whichthenmeantcontrollingeveryoneandeverythingbutme,Ilostmyself.I
disappeared.Inthemushofbelievingliesandlyingtomyselfmyspiritual,mental,andemotionalpowerswanedintononexistence.Ibecameavindictive,
victimized,passivelyirateamoeba.Ididn'tleavethehouseforyears,excepttogotomarket.

ThatchangedoratleastbegantochangeinonemomentwhenIstoppedpointingateveryonearoundme,screeching,"Lookwhatyou'redoingtome,
"andinsteadbeganlookingatmyself.

InAikido,anonaggressivemartialartIwouldbeginstudyingyearslater,mysensei,orteacher,talkedaboutthegoldenballofpowereachofushasinour
solarplexusagoldenballthatradiatesinawidearcaroundus.AlthoughIdidn'tknowaboutthisgoldenballofpowerbackthen,Istartedtoseethe
firstglimmersofitslight.

Ispentthenextfiveyearslearningthelessonsatthisnewlevel.IlearnedIcouldstoptryingtocontrolotherpeopleandinsteadtakeresponsibilityfor
myselfIlearnedIcouldallowotherstolivewiththeinevitableandconsequentialresultsoftheirchoicesanddestiny.Ratherthantorquemyheadoffmy
neckandimplodemyinsidesobsessing,IlearnedIhadoptionslettinggo,detaching,becomingpeaceful.IrealizedInolongerhadtoletotherscontrol
me.Hallelujah!Iwasfree.Wellalmost.ButatleastIaddedalittlelighttothatgoldenballofpowereachday.

 Page29

Iaddedtheword"no"tomyvocabulary,too.IlearnedIdidn'thavetoletotherslieto,abuse,ormanipulatemefortheirownconsciousandsometimes
lessthanconsciousmotives.IbegantofeelmyemotionsevenwhenotherspreferredIdidn't.IdiscoveredInolongerhadtostaytrappedinrelationships
orsituationsthatmademesowretchedlymiserable.Igottohavealife,too.

Slowly,overthoseyears,Ibegantoliveit.

Tenyearsago,Imovedtoanewlevelagain.Idivorcedmyhusband,tookmytwoyoungchildrenShaneandNicholebythehand,andbeganmyfamily
andlifeanewasasingleparent.IjumpedintomycareerandwroteabookaboutwhatIhadlearnedatthelastlevel,abookcalledCodependentNoMore.
That'sthat,Ithought,dustingoffmyhandsandturninginthemanuscript.Ihavesolvedthatproblem.

Buttomysurprise,alongwiththisnewdimensionoflifecameanewdimensionoflessons.Somewereinvigorating,somechallenging,someconfusing.And
onethesuddendeathofmysonin1991fromaskiaccidentbrokemyheart.

IfoundouttherewasmorelifetolivethanIhadeverimagined.Ialsodiscoveredthereweredeeperplacesinmethatneededhealing,cleansing,and
renewingplacesIdidn'tknowexisted,either.Oftentheoldlessons,thelessonsoftheotherlevels,reappearedindifferentshapesandformsorwearinga
disguise.Wheneverthathappened,IwonderedifIwasdoingsomethingwrong,andIdoubtedtheinsightsIoncethoughtIhad.

 Page30

Ididn'tyetunderstandaboutlevels.

Now,theenergyinmylifehadbeguntoshiftagain.ItwouldtakemonthsbeforeIwouldreallyseeandbelievewhattheBuddhistmonkfromPasadenahadsaid.I
wasmovingtoanewlevel.Thistripwasaninitiation,atest.Itwouldbeareviewofthelessonsofthepast,inalltheirshapesandforms,andaportentofthingsto
come.Whilesomeofthelessonswouldbeobvious,manyatthisnewlevelwouldbemoresubtle.Findingeachonewouldbelikesolvingamystery.

TheflighttoAlgierswasashortone,abouttwohours.AstheplaneswoopeddowntolandatHouariBoumedienneAirport,Iwasstruckbythepronouncednatural
beautyofthisharborcity.Algiers,orElDjazair,wasnestledintheSahelHillsbetweentheSaharaDesertandtheMediterranean.TheseawasbluerthananywaterI
hadeverseen.Thesurfwasgentlewavesbarelyfeathereditssmoothsurface.OldFrenchtenementsandEuropeanhousingdottedthehillside.Thefertilelandscape
lookedlikeapatchworkofgreenvelvet.

Iwasnervouswhenwelanded.Ididn'tknowwhattoexpectinacountrytornbyrevolutionandterrorism.Idisembarkedtheplane,preparedfortheworst.Ifound
theairportstrangelyquietandcalmdifferentfrompeaceful.Iimmediatelyrecognizedthefeeling.

Iwasintheeyeofavortex.

 Page31

Ianticipatedthatpassingthroughcustomswouldbeanordeal.Itsurprisedmewhentheofficersyoungmenintheirtwentiessmiledandwelcomedmetotheir
country.TheywerefriendlierthancustomsofficersIhadencounteredanywhereelseintheworld.

Igrabbedmybackpackandexchangedsomecurrency.AsIheadedforthefrontdooroftheairport,intendingtohailacab,oneoftheyoungmeninterceptedme.He
guidedmeintoasideofficeandleftmeinthecareofayoungwomanwithshoulderlengthchestnutbrownhair.

IgaveherthenameofthehotelwhereIintendedtostay.

Shecalledtoverifymyreservations.Thenshetoldmetowaitinherofficeuntilthehotelshuttlearrived.Halfanhourlater,sheescortedmeoutsidetotheparkinglot
andthevan.Otherthanmillingpocketsofarmedguards,itlookedlikeanormalairportanywhereintheworld.

AswepulledontothehighwayleadingtodowntownAlgiers,Istaredoutthewindowwithamixtureofcuriosityandfear.Theroadswerealmostdeserted.Itensed
eachtimewepassedabarricade,rememberingthetraveladvisoryissuedbytheU.S.DepartmentofState:"Dangertoforeignersisextremelyhigh.Substantialarmed
protectionisrecommended.Airlineterminalsandportsareparticulartargetsofterroristactivity.Avoidregularlyscheduledcommercialflights.Thereisaterrorist
campaignbeingwaged

 Page32

againstforeigners.Dailyviolencesince1994.Over100kidnappingsofforeigners.Adequateprotectionisnotpossible.Roadblocksarecommon,aswellasfalse
roadblockssetupbyterroristsasambushes.Nooverlandtravelrecommended.Terroriststhreatentokillallforeignerswhowillnotleavethecountry."

Ididn'tknowabouttheseriousnessoftheunrestwhenIfirstdecidedtocometoAlgeria.ThetraveladvisoryhadconcernedWendy,whoworkswithmeinthe
UnitedStates.Ithadworriedme,too.Ihadconsideredrearrangingmyplans.ButwhenIdiscussedmyplansandthepotentialproblemsinAlgeriawithmydaughter,
Nichole,shefeltthesamewayIdidifItrustedmyinstincts,Iwouldbefine.

Ihadn'tencounteredanyproblemsobtainingmyvisafromtheAlgerianEmbassyinWashington,D.C.Theyseemedgladtohavemevisittheircountry.Theyhadnot
beennearlyasconcernedastheU.S.StateDepartment.

WhenaskedifitwasaccuratethattravelinAlgeriawasextremelydangerousandthatanumberofforeignershadbeenkilled,themalevoiceonthephoneatthe
AlgerianEmbassyhadreplied,"Oh,it'snotthatdangerous.Yeah,peoplegetkilled,butpeoplegetkilledanywhere.It'snotthatbad."

Whenwereachedthehotel,uniformedguardsstoppedandsearchedtheshuttle.Wethenpassedthroughabarricademannedbyarmedguardsintoacordonedoff
area.I

 Page33

noticedthatahigh,barbedwirefencesurroundedtheentirehotel.Theshuttledroppedmeoff.Crossingthewalkwaytothehotelentrancewaslikecrossingamoat
intoafort.

AmaninauniformsearchedmeagainwhenIenteredthehotel.AsIwalkedtothereceptiondesk,Ilookedupandaround.Thehotelwasnew,modern.Icouldsee
allthewayuptothetenthfloorfromwhereIstoodinthefoyer.Butsomethingwasmissing.Ifilledouttheregistrationform,gavethewomanmycreditcard,then
lookedaround.That'swhatwasmissingpeople.

Iscannedthearealookingforthestandcontainingpamphletsandflyersfortouristattractions,thekindcommonlyseeninhotels.Thatwasmissing,too.Imotionedto
thewomanbehindthecounter,anattractivedarkhairedwomaninherearlytwenties.

"Isupposetherearenodaytours?"

Sheshookherhead,avoidingmyeyes.

"Iwashopingtolookaround,"Isaid.

"I'msorry,"shesaid.

Sheturnedandwalkedaway.Itooktheelevatortotheninthfloor,letmyselfintomyroom,andfloppeddownonthebed.Iwasn'taguestinahotelIwasahostage
inanalmostemptyfort.Therewasnowheretogo,andnoonetomeet.Ilookedaroundtheroom.Therewerenotourbooks,nomagazines,noguidestothiscity.I
walkedtothe

 Page34

windowandopenedthecurtains.Icouldseeasmallspeckofharborthroughthetinywindow.Ihadnowtraveledhalfwayaroundtheworldtositinmyroom.

Shotsrangout,shatteringtheairoutsidethehotel.

Maybeit'sforthebest,Ithought,closingthecurtains.

Icalleddowntothefrontdeskandscheduledamassage.WhenIarrivedatthehealthclub,theyoungwomansittingbehindthedeskdirectedmetoalargeroomoff
totheside.Iwentin.Agirl,maybeeighteen,stoodinthecorner.

"I'mhereformymassage,"Isaid.

Shejuststaredatme.

"DoyouspeakEnglish?"Iasked.

Sheshookherhead.

"Massage?"Isaid.

Shejustlookedatme.Istartedmakingrubbinggesturesatmyself,totrytoshowherwhatImeant.Istartedrubbingupanddownmyarm.ThenIrubbedmy
shoulder,andmylegs.

Hereyeswidenedinhorror.

"Massage,"Isaid.Icontinuedrubbingatmyself,tryingtoestablishcommunication.Itwasn'tworking.Sheedgedaroundme,thenbeganbackingoutoftheroom.

Thishasgonefarenough,Ithought.Itookoffmyclothesandlaydownonthetable.

Afteraskittishmassage,Iwalkedaroundthehotelfora

 Page35

while,thenreturnedtomyroom.Iturnedonthetelevision.Thereweren'tmanychoicesforstations.IturneditoffandstartedpagingthroughanEnglishtranslationofa
MiddleEasternnewspaperIhadpickedupattheairport.Ireadanarticleaboutthelatestfatalactofterrorismhere.Ialsoreadwithsomeinterestastoryabout
governmentsofothercountriesnowallowingjournalistsandprieststoactasspies.

Hmmm,Ithought.

Ithumbedthroughtherestofthepaper,thenputitdown.Isatonthebedforawhile,thensatonthechairforawhile,thenwentbacktothebed.Ilookedatthe
walls.Ilookedatthefurniture.ThenIpickedupthephoneandcalledWendy,backintheUnitedStates,thewomanIworkwith.

"How'sthemagicalmysterytourgoing?"sheasked.

"TheonlydramaI'mgoingtofindhere,"Isaid,"isagrindinginternalonethatliessomewherebetweenjetlagandmenopause."

BythetimeIhungupthephone,itwasgettingdarkoutsideandcoldinside.Iwasacutelyawareofmyaloneness.WhatwasIdoinghere?WhathadIpossiblybeen
thinkingof,cominghere?Astrongwaveofselfloathingandselfcontemptreplacedanysenseofadventure,anysenseoffeelingrightaboutbeinghere,and
particularlyanysenseofbeingguided.

WhenIhadtoldNicholeIwaswritingabookabout

 Page36

howtostopbeingmeantoyourself,shehadjustsmiled."Oh,Isee,"shesaid."It'sgoingtobeamystery."

Well,shewasright.Itwasamystery.SowasthistripandwhatIwasdoinghere,inoneofthemosttortured,perilous,hotspotsontheglobe.DidIreallybelieve
someonewouldjustknockonmydoorandsay,"Hey!I'mgladyou'rehere.I'vebeenwaitingforyoutocomesoIcouldshowyouaroundandtellyoumystory"?

Iorderedsometeafromroomservice,ransomehotwater,andtookabath.Gunfirerangoutintermittentlyoutsidethewindow.Iputonasweatsuit,crawledunder
thecovers,andwenttobed.

IhadalmostdozedoffwhenIheardaknockonmydoor.

That'sfunny,Ithought.Ican'timaginethey'dhaveturndownservice.Maybeit'sroomservice,andtheywanttheirtrayback.

Goaway,Ithought.Letmesleep.

Therappingcontinued.

Igotup,stumbledtothedoor,andlookedthroughthepeephole.Amaninhismiddletwentiesstoodoutsidethedoor.Heglancednervouslyupanddownthe
corridor.Ilatchedthechainlockandopenedthedooracrack.

"Whatdoyouwant?"Iasked.

"MynameisMafateh,"hewhispered."Iworkatthehotel,inanotherdivision.Thegirlatthefrontdeskismy

 Page37

friend.Shesaidyouwereaskingforsomething.IthinkIcanhelp.''

Iscannedhimthroughthecrackinthedoor.Heworeadarkbluesuitthatlookedlikeahotelemployeeuniform.Withhishikeduppantsandchubbycheeks,hehad
anArabianboynextdoorlook.Hiseyesweregentle.Helookedfrightened,butsafe.Iunlatchedthechain,openedthedoor,andlethimin.

Iintroducedmyself,thenstumbledoverhisname,tryingtorepeatit.Hetoldmetocallhim''Fateh."

"Justlike'fatty'inyourlanguage,"hesaidproudly.

Wetalkedforawhile.IttookonlymomentsformetofeelasifIhadknownFatehforalongtime.ThiswasthefirsttimeIhadconnectedwithanyoneonthistrip.I
explainedthatIwouldbeinAlgiersforatleastthreedays,maybelonger.IsaidIwantedtoseethecountryandtalktothepeople,andthatIneededaguidetodo
thatsomeonetodrivemearound.

"It'snotsafetodrivearound,"hesaid.

"Please,"Isaid.

Heshookhishead.

"S'ilvousplait,"Isaid,repeatingmyselfinFrench.Iwasbegging.Iknewit."ThisisprobablytheonlytimeinmylifeIwilleverbehere..."

Helookedatme,scannedmyappearance,thenreluctantlyagreed.

 Page38

"Maybeitwillbeallright,"hesaid."Youlooklikeyoucouldbefrommycountry.Beinthehotellobbyby9:30tomorrowmorning.Weardarkclothes,clothingthat
doesnotlooklikeitisfromAmerica.Donotspeaktoanyone.Donottellanyonewhereyouaregoingorwhatyouaregoingtodo."

Ithankedhim,stuffedsomeAlgeriancurrencyinhishand,andlatchedthedoorbehindhimasheleft.

Inamatterofmoments,theenergyofthisentiretriphadshifteddramatically,movedtoanewlevel.Whatevermysteriousvortexhadbroughtmehere,tothispartof
theworld,wasnowgoingtofunnelmebelowthesurface.Itwastimetotakeadeepbreathanddivein.

ThesharpvoiceoftheinterrogatorrippedmeoutofmystoryandbroughtmebacktotheairportinCairo.

"Whatkindofbooksdoyouwrite?"shedemanded.

Ilookedaroundtheterminal.Thehubbubhaddissipated.Exceptforoneortwotravelers,theonlypeopleIcouldseewereairportemployeesandthemanand
womanwhowereinterrogatingme.

"TheeightbooksI'vewrittenhaveallbeenaboutspiritualgrowthandhealing,"Isaid."Theyarewhatwecallselfhelpbooksinmycountry.That'swhatI'mworking
onnow,too."

 Page39

"Yousayyouwritebooksaboutspiritualgrowthandhealing.YetyoutraveledtoAlgeria,acountrydominatedbyterrorism.Whatcouldthepeopletherepossibly
havetodowiththesubjectmatteryouwriteaboutandthepeoplewholiveinyourpartoftheworld?"sheasked.

Bynow,Iwasdrenchedinsweatandgettingverytired.IthoughtIhadtoldthesepeoplemorethanenough,morethantheywantedorneededtoknow.Iwantedto
getthisoverwith.ButIwantedtocooperate,too.SoIcarefullytriedtotellthesablehairedladywiththepiercingeyeswhatthepeopleinAlgiershadshownme.

 Page41

chapter4
ConversationswithaWarrior
Eachculture,country,orcityisitsownvortexofenergyaswirlingfunnelofcollectivepastandcurrentbeliefs,emotions,intentions,andvalues.LosAngelesisthe
vortexofthecinemaandtelevisionindustry.Washington,D.C.,isapoliticalvortex.At9:30A.M.onSaturday,January27,1996,Iputthefinaltouchesonmy
makeup,fastenedmymoneybeltaroundmywaist,androdetheelevatordowntothelobbytomeetFateh,myguide.IwasabouttogoonadaytourofAlgiers,the
capitalofAlgeriaand

 Page42

theworldcapitalandvortexofterrorism.

Thesixtiesthattumultuous,memorabletimeofPresidentJohnFKennedy,MartinLutherKing,Jr.,andtheVietnamWargavebirthtomanyformsofpoliticaland
personalexpression.Peacemovements,demonstrations,andralliesbecamepopularformsofsocialprotest,powerfultacticstoeffectchangeindemocracies.Butthe
sixtiesalsogavebirthtotheundersidethedarkersideofspeakingoutforacause.Thatoctopusofterror,theinternationalterroristnetwork,simultaneously
begantostretchitstentaclesaroundtheglobe.Itsmemberswerenotonlywillingtodiefortheircausetheywereprimedtokillforit,deliberatelyusingcoldblooded
tacticsthatwouldsendshockwavesofterrortothemasses,makingvictimsofthem,too.

Thefirstwavesweresentaroundtheworldin1968,whenterroristshijackedanIsraeliairplane,thenforceditspilottoflytoAlgiers.

Overtheensuingyears,thetentaclesofterrorreachedcloserandclosertohome.In1972,terroristsattackedIsraeliathletesattheMunichOlympics.In1976,we
watchedIsraelicommandosperformtheirdaringandbrilliantrescueraidonEntebbe.In1986,theUnitedStatesbombedAlgeria'sneighbor,Libya,hopingtodestroy
itsleader,MuammaralQaddafi.InDecember1988,asPanAmflight103passedoverLockerbie,Scotland,onitsway

 Page43

fromLondontoNewYork,abombexploded,killing270people.Ofthem,187wereAmericans.

Bytheearlynineties,theshockwavesfromworldterrorismhadreachedStillwater,Minnesota,whereIlivedatthetime.Arashofpipebombingsandbombthreats,
coupledwiththePersianGulfWarandanationalFBIterrorismalert,hadmeandmanyotherslookingoverourshoulders.Oneafternoon,myson,Shane,askedme
totakehimandagroupoffriendstoabasketballgameatalocalsportsarena."No,"Ihadsaid."It'snotsafe.It'satarget.Choosesomethingelse."

InFebruary1993,terroristsbombedtheWorldTradeCenterinNewYorkCity.OnApril19,1995,abombexplodedoutsidetheFederalBuildinginOklahoma
City,astructurehousingadaycarecenter.Thistime169peoplewerekilled.Ofthem,19werechildren.

Overtheyears,asbombthreatscontinuedtoincrease,theUnitedStateshadrespondedwithincreasedsecuritymeasures.Themostnoticeablechangeoccurredat
airports.TravelersintheUnitedStatescouldnolongersimplycheckinandboardaplane.Theyhadtoshowphotoidentification.Theyhadtoanswerquestions."Did
youpackyourluggage?Didanyonegiveyouanythingtotransport?"Weasanationbegantoreacttoterrorismwithsubtleantiterroristtactics.NowIwasgroomed,
prepped,andreadyforadrivebytheterroristtrainingcampsinthefoothillsofAlgiers

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oneoftheplacescontemporaryterrorismhadbegun.

Fatehwaswaitingformeinthelobby.Hescannedmyappearanceandapproved.Myinstinctshadbeenrightonthistrip.Ithadbeeneasytofollowhisinstructionsof
thenightbefore,todressinunAmericangarb.Ihadbroughtonlyoneextrasetofclothingwithme.Iworeadark,loosefittingsweaterandpants.Withmyshort
darkhairandoliveskin,IfeltalmostinvisibleinthisculturalmixofFrench,Arabian,andBerberheritage.

Fatehgavememynextsetofinstructionsashewhiskedmethroughthesecuritycheckpointsonthewaytotheparkinglot.

"Wearegoingtothecountrytoday,"hesaid."IhavearrangedformyfriendNaziltocomewithus.Heisacollegegraduate.HehasstudiedEnglishformanyyears
andspeaksthelanguagebetterthanIdo.HecantellyouthingsthatIcannotbecausetherearemanywordsinyourlanguageIdonotknow.Wehavenotbeenfora
drivetothecountryortotheparksforalongtime.Itwillbeafundayforallofus.Buttherearedangers."

Fatehstoppedwalkingandturnedtome."Donotspeaktoanyone,evenifyouarespokento.Ifanyonecomestous,ifanyonestopsourcareventhegendarmes
donotspeak.Donotlookintheireyes.Lookdownatyourfeetandbesilent.Thatistheonlywaywewillbesafe,"hesaid."Doyouunderstand?"

 Page45

Fatehlookedsointense."Notevenaquick'Bonjour'?"Iasked,tryingtolightenthemood."I'mgettingbetterwithmyFrench..."

Heglaredatme."Notaword,"hesaid."Donotspeakoneword."

"Iunderstand,"Isaid.

IsatonthepassengersideofthefrontseatofFateh'soldRambler.Fatehstartedtogetinthedriver'sside,butbeforehecouldthecarseatcollapsed,falling
backwards.Hegroaned,sighed,thendugundertheseat,pulledoutascrewdriver,andbegantinkeringwiththeseatback.Fixingthecarwouldbecomepartofthis
day'sroutine.Itwaspartofthedailyroutineformanypeoplehere.Mostoftheautomobileswereold,usedcarsthekindwecalljunkersinAmerica.

WhileFatehworkedontheseat,Iturnedtotheyoungman,Nazil,sittinginthebackseatofthecar.Hehaddarkwavyhairandgracefulfeatures.Hewasofslight
build,muchthinnerthanFateh.IwouldlaterlearnhewastwentyfouryearsoldoneyearyoungerthanFateh.

ItoldNazilmynamewasMelodyandIwaspleasedtomeethim.Iofferedhimmyhand.

"Itismypleasuretomeetyou,"hesaid,"andmyhonortospendthedaywithawomanfromyourcountry.IhavestudiedtheEnglishlanguagemostofmylifebuthave
onlybeenabletouseitintheclassroom.IamhappytohavetheopportunitytousethelanguageIhavestudiedsohard."

 Page46

AfterFatehfixedtheseat,heclimbedinthecar,shiftedthegearstick,letthecarrollbackwards,andfireduptheengine.

WedrovearoundthenarrowcitystreetsofdowntownAlgiersforawhile.Asmallnumberofmenwereoutwalking,someingroups,somealone.Onemanhurried
acrossthestreetinfrontofus.Hewascarryingachild,ayoungboy.

"Themuseumsareclosed.Mostofthestoresareclosed,"Fatehsaid."Thereisnotmuchheretosee."

Afewblockslater,wehitatrafficjam.Abouthalfadozencarshadstoppedaheadofusinthelaneoftraffic.Fatehslowed,thenstoppedthecar.Itwasaroadblock.
Whenwereachedthebarricade,twoyoungmen,armedanddressedinuniforms,walkedtothecarwindow.FollowingFateh'sinstructions,Ilookeddownatmy
feet.Outofthecornerofmyeye,IsawNazilliftupthepapersandjacketthatwerelyingaroundthecartoallowthepolicetoseethecontentsandthesurfaceareas
inside.Thegendarmessmiledweakly,thenwavedusthrough.

"Theyseemedfriendly,"Isaid,aswepickedupspeed.

Nazilleanedforwardovertheseatback."Thegendarmesaredecent,gentlepeople,"hesaid."Theyhavebeenhurtbythistoo.

"Ihaveafriendwhoisagendarme,"hecontinued."Theterroristssethimup.Theyknewthatonthisnight

 Page47

myfriendwouldbewalkingalone,withouthisgun.Theyknewwherehewouldbewalkingandatwhattime.Theyhidinthebushes.Whenmyfriendwalkedby,the
terroristsjumpedout.Oneheldaguntomyfriend'shead.'Nowyouaregoingtodie,'theterroristsaidtomyfriend.Hepulledthetrigger.Butthegunstuck.My
friend'slifewassaved.

"Theterroristshaveconnections,"Nazilsaid."Theyknowpeople'sroutinesandtheirplans.Idonotknowhowtheyknowsomuch,buttheydo.Theyknowwhois
here,andwhenpeoplearecomingandleaving.Iftheydonotalreadyknowyouarehere,theywillsoonlearnofyourvisit."

Wedrovethroughtown,windingourwaydowntothestreetthatranalongsidetheharbor.Soon,wereachedanotherroadblock.Fatehstoppedthecar.Istaredat
myfeet.AgainNazilshowedthegendarmesthecontentsofthebackseat.Again,thepolicewavedusthrough.

"Wehavelostmuch,"Nazilsaid."Mostofushavelostsomeonewelove.Weallknowsomeonewhohaslostalovedone.Weliveinfeareachdayoflosingour
friendsandfamilies.Andasyoucansee,wehavealsolostourfreedom."

Fatehstoppedatagasstationattheedgeoftown,thenweheadedtothecountry.Beforelongthestreetweweredrivingonturnedintoacoastalhighway.

"Irememberthedayitstarted,"Nazilsaid.

Fatehnodded.

 Page48

''June5,1991,''theysaid,almostinunison.

NazilgavemeabriefcourseinAlgerianhistory.AlgeriahadbeencolonizedbyFrance.Followinganeightyearrevolutionarywar,Algeriahadfinallywonits
independencein1962.Bytheearlynineties,theIslamicpartyhadwonpreliminaryelectionsandthreatenedtotakecontrolofthegovernment.That'swhenthecivil
warbegan.AlgeriahadstoppedfightingFrance,butitstwomainpoliticalparties,thesecularNationalLiberationFrontandthereligiousIslamicSalvationFront,had
beguntofighteachother.

OnJune5,1991,thepresidentofAlgeriadeclaredmartiallaw.

"That'swhenthefirstterroristincidentsoccurred,"Nazilsaid."Itstartedwithoneortwoisolatedbombings.Thenterrorismbecameawayoflife.Afewyearsago,the
militarytookoverthegovernment."

"Therewasanearthquakeherethatkilledfivethousandpeople,"Nazilsaid."Youhaveearthquakes,too,whereyoulive.Butourrealnationaldisasterhereis
terrorism.Ithasnowtakensomewherebetweentenandsixtythousandlives."

"Inoticedthepriceonthegaspumps,"Isaid,afterawhile."It's1.45dinarsaliter.GascostsmoreherethanitdoesintheUnitedStatesandit'syourleadingexport.
Whyisgasolinesoexpensivehere?Doesn'tthatmakeyourpeopleangry?"

 Page49

"Yes,"Nazilsaid."Mypeopleareangry.They'reangryatthegovernment.They'reangryattherich.They'renotsurewholetthemdown,buttheyknowthey'vebeen
betrayed."

Wedroveforawhile,thenFatehpulledoffthehighwayintoaparkinglotbyashoppingcomplex.Iopenedthecardoorandstartedtogetout.Fatehimmediately
reachedacrossmeandpulledmydoorshut.Thenhejustsatthere.

"Mafatehisafraid,"Nazilsaid."Alwaysafraid."

FatehandNazilspoketoeachotherforawhileinArabic.ThenNazilexhaleddeeply,andexplainedtomewhatheandFatehhadbeendiscussing."Mafateh'sfiancee
waskilledayearago,"Nazilsaid."Abombblewupthebusshewasridingon.NowMafatehalwaysthinksitisgoingtohappenagain.Heisafraidtheterroristswill
killsomeonehelovesorhimnext.Itoldhimitwassafeforustogetoutandwalkaroundforawhile."

Wegotoutofthecarandwalkedaroundtheshoppingcenter.Allthestoreswereclosedandboardedup.Nazilledusaroundthesideoftheshoppingcomplex.Then
FatehandIfollowedhimdownadirtpaththatledtothesea.Wescaled,singlefile,astonepierthatextendedintothewater.Wewalkedasfaraswecould,thenwe
allsatdownontherocks.

Sittingontheedgeofthepier,Fatehnowappearedalmostrelaxedforthefirsttimethisday.

 Page50

"I'msorryyoulostyourgirlfriend,"Isaidafterawhile.

"Iwasathermother'shousewhenithappened,"hesaidquietly."Wewerewaitingforhertocomehomefordinner.Thetelephonerang.Hermotheranswered.When
shedroppedthephoneandbegantocry,Iknewmygirlfriendwasdead."

"Ithurtstolosesomeoneinonemoment,"Isaid,"tohavethemrippedoutofyourlife..."

Henodded.

Wesatforawhile,nottalking.Whenthreemenapproachedtheendofthepier,wesimultaneouslystoodupandhurriedlyreturnedtothecar.

Fatehpulledthecarontothehighway.Ashorttimelater,heexitedagain.Thistimehepulledintoaparkingareaoutsideapark.Fatehreluctantlyandnervouslygot
outofthecar.NazilandIfollowed.Thethreeofuswalkedacrossthelottotheparkentrance.

Ayoungcouple,amanandawoman,satintheircarwiththedooropenattheendofthelot.Ifeltawaveoffearriseinallthreeofusaswepassedtheirvehicle.We
enteredthepark,thenwalkedatabriskpacethroughthelittered,almostvacantfield.Thelandfeltbarrenanduntended.Eventhetreesfeltstrangelylifeless.

Wewalkedtotheparksrecreationcenter.Itwasclosed.Westoodtherelookingattheclosedfacilityforamoment.Thenweturnedaroundandheadedback
throughthepark

 Page51

tothecar.Afterfixingtheseatandrollingthecartostartit,Fatehpulledbackontothehighway.Hecontinuedtodriveawayfromthecitytowardtheloominghills.

Nazilpointedtothehills."That'swheretheterroristcampsare,"hesaid."That'swheretheyrunto.That'swheretheytrainandlive.

"Itusedtobethatwhenayoungmangrewup,hemadeadecisiontogotocollege,orgotowork,orgointothemilitary,"Nazilexplained."Nowtherearetwo
choices.Doeshejointhemilitary?Orbecomeaterrorist?Theyoungmenofourcountrytakethatdecisionveryseriously.

"Ihavetwofriends.Theywerebestfriends.Theyplayedtogetheraschildrenineachother'shomes.Theykneweachother'smothers.Astheygrew,onedecidedto
jointhemilitary.Theotherdecidedtobecomeaterrorist.Theyknew,astheyweregrowingup,whattheyweregoingtobe."

Nazilpausedashestruggledtofindjusttherightwordstoexpresshisthoughts."Eachbecame...howdoyousayit...dedicatedtohischoice.Whentheyreached
eighteen,oneofthemenjoinedthemilitary.Theotherranforthehillstobecomeaterrorist.Beingaterroristwashisambition.

"Justafewweeksago,themanwhohadbecomeaterroristsneakedintothehomeofhisfriend,theonewhohadjoinedthemilitary.Hisfriend'smotherwasinthe

 Page52

kitchencooking.Hecreptupbehindher.'I'mgoingtokillhimsomeday,'hewhisperedinherear.'Youknowthat,don'tyou?'Thentheterroristranoutthedoor.

"Theythinktheirpowercomesfromstrength.Theythinkpowercomesfromguns,fromkillingpeople,fromhurtingpeople.That'snotpower,"Nazilsaid,shakinghis
head.

"Idon'tknowwhatmakesthemdoit,"hesaid."Theymustbetakingdrugs.Peoplewouldhavetobeusingdrugstoslitthroatsandkillpeoplewithoutthinkingabout
it."

Fatehnodded.

Afterdrivingforabouthalfanhour,Fatehagainexitedthehighway.Wewereinaseasideresorttown.Nazilexplainedthatbeforethedaysofterrorism,peoplehad
crowdedtothisvillageforluxuryvacationsandfunweekendoutings.

Nowthestreetswerealmostdeserted.Mostoftheshopswereclosed.Wewalkeddownthesidewalkforafewblocks,pastthelockedorboardedupstorefronts.
Occasionally,weencounteredpeoplemostlymenwhohurriedlywalkedbyus.Whenwedid,IcontinuedtofollowFateh'sinstructions,avoidingalleyecontact
andlookingdownatmyfeet.

Bynow,myroleasasubordinatewomanonewhodidn'tspeakorlookdirectlyintotheeyesofanyonefeltoddlycomfortable,almostfamiliar.Itrandeeperthan
just

 Page53

followingMafateh'sinstructionsortryingtoavertanattack.Isawthatitwasfrighteninglyeasytodancetotherhythmofacultureandalmostbyosmosisadoptits
beliefsandpracticesasourown.

Inowunderstoodthebehaviorofthewomanatthereceptiondeskatthehotel,theonewhohadtoldMafatehaboutmetheonewhohadbarelyspokentomeand
hadavoidedmyeyes.Shewasn'tavoidingme.Shewasfollowingthecustomsofherculture,dancingtohercountry'srhythm.

Whenwecrossedthestreetattheendoftherowofshops,wefoundourselvesatthegatewaytoapark.Thegatewaslocked.Weclungtothefence,tryingtopeek
inside.Inthecourtyardjustontheothersideofthegate,untendedplantsinasprawlinggardenhadintertwinedthemselvesaroundmajesticGrecianruins,crumbling
stoneremindersofGreece'sinfluenceinAlgeria'srichhistory.Westaredthroughthefenceforawhile,thenturnedandbeganwalkingbacktothecar.

"Thisisafunday,"Fatehsaidearnestly."We'rehavingagoodday,aren'twe?Wewenttothecountry."

NazilandInodded.

"Yes,Fateh,"Isaid."Thisisfun."

Wegotbackinthecar.Fatehagainfixedthecollapsedseat,rolledthecaruntilitstarted,thenheadedbacktothehighway.

 Page54

"Wewilldrivedownanotherroadforawhile,"Fatehsaid.

Heturnedinlandatajuncture,drivingawayfromthesea,towardtheominoushills.Afterawhile,heloopedbackinthedirectionofthecityofAlgiers.Wedrovepast
milesofexpansivebutdesolatecountryside,encounteringfewothervehiclesalongtheway.Then,atajuncturewheretheintersectingroadleddirectlytothehills,we
pulledtoastopatabarricade.

ThistimeInoticedIwasholdingmybreathwhileIstaredatthefloor.Irememberedthetraveladvisorywarningaboutambushesatfalseroadblocks.Thegendarmes
searchedthecarandwavedusthrough.

"Iloveandrespectmybeautifulcountry,"Nazilsaidafterawhile."Terriblethingshavehappenedtomypeople.Buttheworstthingthathashappenedisthatthishas
giventhemaspiritofvengeance.

"Vengeance,"hesaid,"isnotthepurposeofwhatwearegoingthrough."

Aheavysilencepermeatedtheinsideofthecar.ThenNazilbeganspeakingagain.

"Itisatragedywhathashappenedtomycountryandmypeople.Butthebiggestdamageiswhat'sbeendonetoourhearts.Wedon'tevencryanymorewhenwe
hearofdeath.Wehavelivedwiththeabnormalsolongit'sbecomenormal.Ourheartshavegonenumb.

 Page55

"ThatistherealtragedyofAlgiers."

Wedroveforawhile,lookingatbarrenfieldsandrollinghills.Nazilexplainedthatdespitethecountry'sfertileland,Algerianowimportedmostofitsfood.

Hepointedtoalarge,windowlessbuildingtuckedintothelandscapeonourleft.

"Thatiswheretheytaketheterroristswhohavebeencaptured,"hesaid."Once,adoctortreatedaninjuredterrorist.Thepolicearrestedthedoctorandputhimin
jail.TwomenIknowwerearguingaboutittheotherday,"Nazilsaid."Oneofthemcouldnotunderstandwhytheywouldputadoctorinjailfortreatinganinjured
man."

Inoticedstretchafterstretchofbuildings,tenementsthatlookedabandonedordestroyed.IaskedNazilwhathadhappened,ifthiswastheresultofterrorismor
somethingelse.Hetoldmethatmostofthevacantbuildingswereprojectsthatbuildershadbegun,thenabandonedwhentheyranoutofmoney.

"Thishasgoneonforsolong,"Isaid."Doyourpeoplestillhavehope?"

"Hope?"Nazilsaid."Yes,wehavehope.Butwedonothopeforanimprovementinoureconomy.Wenolongerhopeformoreagriculture,ormoreart.Weonly
hopethatonedaytheterrorismwillstop."

Fatehturnedontothecoastalhighway.AswenearedthecityofAlgiers,weallbegantorelax.Nazilstarted

 Page56

talkingaboutcollege,aboutartclasseshehadtaken,andaboutsomeofhisfriendsfromschool.Soonafterwereachedthecitylimits,Fatehpulledthecartotheside
oftheroadbytheharborandtoldmeweweredroppingoffNazil.Fatehhadtogotowork.

NaziltoldmehowmuchhehadenjoyedspeakingEnglishalldayandthathehopedhehaddoneagoodjobofexpressinghisthoughtstome.

Isaidhehaddoneanexcellentjobandthankedhim.

Ipulledmypurseoutfromunderthecarseat."CanIgiveyousomething,somemoneyforyourtimetoday,asagift,awayofsayingthankyou?"IaskedNazil.

Heresolutelyrefused."Icouldnottakemoney,"hesaid,shakinghishead."Thatwouldbewrong.Itwasaprivilegetospendthedaywithyouandtellyouthestoryof
Algeriaandmypeople.Besides,"hesaid,smiling,"wewentforadriveinthecountry.Wehadfun."

IwatchedNazilslipovertheruins,thendisappearintoacolonyofhomesbythesea.AsFatehdroveusbacktothehotel,Inoticedforthefirsttimehowtensedmy
bodywasandhadbeenallday.BecauseofRamadan,wehadnoteatenordrunkanything.Iwasgettingthirsty.Iwantedadrinkofwater.

"There'sourzoo,"Fatehsaid,aswenearedthehotel."It'sclosednow,butwehavetheoldestlivingalligatorthere,"hesaidproudly.

 Page57

Wepassedthroughthehotel'ssecuritybarricade.Gendarmessearchedthecaronemoretime.ThenFatehparkedandwalkedmetothehotelentrance.Westood
therelookingaroundattheguards,thebarricades,andthetreetopsinthedistance.

"Didyouenjoytoday?"Fatehasked.

"Yes,verymuch.Thankyou,"Isaid.

Hesmiled,andseemedpleased.Iturnedtohim,putmyhandovermyheart,andlookeddirectlyintohiseyes."MayGodhelpyourheartcontinuetohealfromthe
lossofyourlove,"Isaid.

Fatehlookedatme.IsawandfeltastrengthinhimIhadn'tbeforeseen."IwillpraythatAllahisgentlewithyou,too,"hesaid.

Fatehwenttothehotel'semployeeentrancetoreportforwork.Ireturnedtomyroom.Iwasscheduledtobebackinthelobbyinonehour.Fatehhadarranged
severalothereventsforme,includingattendingaholyRamadanfeastwithaBerberfamilytomorroweveningtobreakthefastaftersundown.Mydaytourofthe
Algeriancountrysidehadended.

Onceinawhilenottoooftenapersoncrossesourpathwho,despitetremendousobstaclesandpain,hasmanagedtoretainhisorheridentity,values,integrity,
andfaithinGodwhetherthatpersoncallsGod"Allah,""Jehovah,"or"God."Thatpersonknowswhatheorshe

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believesandholdsfasttothosebeliefsdespiteenormouspressuretodootherwise.Andthatperson'sdecisiontohonorhisorhervalueshaslittletodowithwhatthat
personhasreceivedfromlifeorfromGod.Althoughthatpersonhasnotgottenwhatheorshehaslongedfor,hopedfor,desired,ordeserved,heorshehasnot
turnedonGod,oruponothers.Heorshehasnotturnedonhimselforherself.

Thereisaglowingpowerinthatpersonthatisirrefutable.

Beinginthatperson'spresence,evenforalittlewhile,changesus.Wenowhaveaparagon,amodel,ajewelexemplarbywhichtogaugeourselves.Wemaynot
alwaysliveuptothosestandards,butwewillforevermorebeconsciousofwhenwearefallingshort.Andthosefewmomentswiththatpersonwillhelpusremember
whoandwhatwearestrivingtobe.

That'swhathappenedtome,intheheartofthevortexofterrorismonJanuary27,1996,onmydaytourofAlgiers.ImetayoungmannamedNazil.Hetoldmethe
storyofhiscountry.Hetoldmewhathebelieved.AndIsawalightthatshonesobrightlyIwouldneveragainbethesame.

Inalandwherepeoplehadlosttheirfreedomandpower,hehadfoundawaytobefreeandheunderstoodthemeaningofpower.

Atruewarriorhadcrossedmypath.

 Page59

''DidanyofthesepeopleyoumetinAlgiersgiveyouanythingtotransport?Anythingatall?''theCairointerrogatordemanded.

"Yes,"Isaid."Theygavemesomegifts."

"Showthemtomenow,"shesaid.

Iunlockedmysuitcase,whichwassittingonthelargeplatformtablebetweenus.Ishowedherapink,handembroideredBerbergownandacolorposterofthe
Casbahd'Alger.ThenIshowedhermyprizedpossession.Itwasawhitecardboardyearatatime1996calendar.Thenamesofthemonthsandthedayswere
inscribedinFrench.Onthetopofthecalendar,abovethemonths,wasthenationalemblemforAlgeria.Itwasalsotheemblemthathad,bychance,becomemy
personalsealforthistripacrescentmoonandstar.

Thewomaninterrogatingmepausedfromherquestioningforamomentandstudiedmyitinerary.

"YouwereoriginallybookedonaflightfromCairotoGreece.Thatwastobethelastlegofyourtrip.Nowitappearsyouhavesuddenlychangedyourplansand
insteadareflyingfromCairotoTelAvivtoLosAngeles.WhywouldyouspendsomuchtimeinAlgeriaandEgypt,thenatthelastmomentcancelthepartofyour
travelsthatwouldhavebeensuchapleasantvacation?"

"Oh,that,"Isaid."Itsurprisedme,too.Letmeexplain."

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chapter5
Blackout
Iunlockedthedoortomyhotelroomandfloppeddownonthebed.MytimeinAlgiershadfilledupquickly.FromthemomentImetFateh,Ibarelyhadtimeto
sleep.

Hehadarrangedtwoothertoursformebesidesmytourofthecountryside.IhadseenthehighlightofAlgeriannightlifeabarricadedindoorshoppingcenterwhere
carslinedupformileswaitingtobeinspectedbythegendarmesbeforeentering.Ihadseenthecitybydaylight,ridingthroughthenarrow,windingstreetsthat

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ledmysteriouslyintobarrenmarketplacesandthecasbah,streetsconspicuouslylackingthepresenceofwomen,streetsfortifiedforbattlebyrampartsofarmed
guards.

IhadjustreturnedfromthehomeofalocalBerberfamily,neighborsandfriendsofFateh.TheyhadinvitedmetopartakeinaholyRamadanfeastattheirhouse,to
givethankstoAllahandbreaktheday'sfastaftersundown.ThefamilyhadnotspokenEnglish.AlthoughIhadnoideawhatIhadeaten,thefoodwasdelicious.After
themeal,theyhadhandedmetheirfamilyphotoalbums.Ileafedthroughthepages,perusingapersonalpictorialhistoryechoingthesamethemesIhadcomeacross
attheMuseumofManinParisbirth,marriage,family,religion,and,justoutsidethewindowsoftheFrenchtenementwhereIsat,thethreatofdeath.Then,beforeI
left,thefamilyhadpliedmewithgifts."LaBerbertradition,"theyhadsaid,joyouslyplacingpresentafterpresentinmylap.

Backatthehotel,Ilookedatthebagofgiftslyingonthefloornexttothebed.ThepeopleofAlgiershadopenedtheirhomesandtheirheartstome.Inthiscitywhere
onlyafewdaysagoIthoughtIwouldbeconfinedtomyroom,Ihaddoneandseensomuch.Thiswastobemylasteveninghere.Iwasscheduledtoflyoutinthe
morningtheonlyflighttoCasablancaforseveraldays.NowIwonderedifIshouldcancelmyflight,maybeleavelaterintheweek.

Iwentintothebathroomandbegantodrawabath.As

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Ibentoverthetub,adjustingthetemperatureofthehotwater,thelightsinthehotelroomdimmed,flickered,thenextinguished.Iedgedtowardthedoorleadingtothe
outsidecorridor,thenopeneditacrack.Allthelightsinthehotelwereoff.

Itwasablackout.

AflickeringofterrorranthroughmyveinsasNazil'swordsflashedthroughmymind.Theyknowofthings.Theyknowwhoiscomingandwhentheyareleaving.
Iftheydonotalreadyknowyouarehere,theywillsoonlearn.

Thedarkenedhallwaysoutsidemyroomwerequiet,still.AllIcouldhearwasthesoundofthewaterrunningintothetub,andthepoundingofmyheart.Iclosedthe
door,thenleanedagainstit.Momentspassed,slowly.Thelightscamebackon.Ifinisheddrawingmybath,thenpackedmybackpack.Iwasinthemidstofacivil
war.WhenFatehhadfirstknockedonmydoor,Ihadtakenadeepbreathanddivedunderthesurface.NowIwasrunningoutofair.

Itwastimetogo.

ThenextmorningIslippedoutofthecityatdawn.Asmyplanetookoff,Istaredoutthewindow.IhadneverseenacountryasbeautifulasAlgeria.Despiteits
beauty,thelandscapeemanatedahauntingdesolation.Itwasasiftheearthitselfeventhetreesandfoliagehadabsorbedthepainanddespondencyofthepeople
whoinhabitedit.

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IfeltrelievedwhentheplanelandedinCasablanca.MytimeinAlgeriahadbeenenlighteningbutstressful.Iwasreadytogetbacktolife,vitality,andfreedom
freedomespeciallyfromtheimminentdangersofterrorism.IhailedacabbacktothehotelwhereIhadstoredmyluggage.

"Jereturnez!Jereturnez"Isaidtothedeskclerk,alargefrowningmanwearingacaftan.Hewasyetanotherpersonwhohadscowledattheideaofmytripto
Algeria.Now,hesmiledslightlyatmysafereturnand,Iguessed,atmyilliterateuseoftheFrenchlanguage.

Icheckedintomyroom,feelingastrangemixtureofemotionsasIchangedclothesandrepackedmyluggage.Algeriahadtappedintosomemysteriouspartofme.
Mytimetherenowfeltsurrealistic.Iwasn'tcertainIhadbeenthere.NorwasIcompletelycertainIhadsurvived.Myexperiencetherehadruffledeversoslightlythe
edgesoftheboundariesthatkeeprealitysofirmlyandneatlyinplace.

Ialsofeltenergized.Atthebeginningofthistrip,IhadspentthebetterpartofmyfewdaysinParishidingoutinmyroomfeelingintimidatedbytheluxury,beauty,and
tingeofelitismthatsurroundedme.WhenIhadfinallyventuredoutofmyroomintothelobby,Ihadsatprecariouslyontheedgeofavelvethighbackedchair.A
securityguardhadapproachedmeandaskedifIbelongedthere.Ishowedhimmyroomkeyandsaid,"Yes,Ido."ThenIhadgoneoutanddoneafewthings.Now,
therepressionand

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confinementofAlgeriamademeevenmoredeterminedtoseeanddoasmuchasIcouldontherestofthistrip.Ifeltanewsurgeofpower,anewappreciationfor
freedom.Ibelongedhere,too.AndIwasgoingtoactlikeit.

IimmediatelybeganplanninganafternoonoutingtoRabat,Morocco'scapital.Onmywaytothetaxistand,Iwentintotherestaurantinthehotellobbyandordereda
cafaulait.

Thesamemanwhohadservedmethelasttimeagainbroughtmeasilvertraycontainingademitasseofespressoandasmallpitcherofwarmmilk.Ieyedthatpitcher
suspiciously.AsIpouredthatwarmmilkintomycoffee,IknewIshouldn't.

Untilnow,IhadbeenarduouslymonitoringeverythingIateanddrankonthistriptotrytopreventmyselffromgettingsick.ExceptfortheRamadanfeastinAlgiers,I
hadbarelytastedanyofthesucculentfood.

Butitwasn'tjustoverherethatIhadbeenmonitoringmyintake.Forthepastsixyearsormore,mostofthepeopleIknew,includingmyself,haddevotedthemselves
toeatinghealthy.Itwaspartofalargerprocessthatwastakingplaceadetoxification,acleansing,afastingofsortsaspeopledevelopedahigherconsciousness
aboutwhattheyateandabsorbedintotheirbodies.Icouldbarelyrememberthedayswhenfoodwasjustfood,andifittastedgood,Iateit.Now,theruleofthumb
waswhatthedumpydoctorina"Wizard

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ofId"cartoonhadtoldhispatient:ifittastesgood,spititout.Thereweresomanyrulestofollow,includingmyown.Thereweresomanyprohibitionsagainstsomany
things.Lately,especially,itseemedasifeverythingIwantedIcouldn'thave.

SoIdrankeverylastsipoftheespressoandwarmmilk.

OnthesixtymiledrivetoRabatmystomachbegantoache.

Thetaxipulledintoalotoutsideasprawlingpalaceandcourtyard.Thedriverthenlocatedaguidewhoofferedtowalkmethroughthetypicaltouristattractions.The
guidewasastoutoldmanwithdark,sunwrinkledskinandamissingfronttooth.HetoldmetocallhimTommy,butIknewthatwasn'thisname.Itwasjustaneasy
wordforAmericanstopronounce.HetoldmeifIlikedwhatheshowedme,IcouldpayhimwhatIthoughtthetourwasworthattheendofit.

Wewalkedaroundtheking'spalaceandthebuildingwheretheking'schildrenweretutored.Thenwevisitedasacredtombsite.Thetombwasatwostorybuilding
burnishedingoldandguardedbythepolice.Insidethebuilding,awraparoundbalconyoverlookedanornatecoffin.Standingthere,IhadthestrangestfeelingthatI
wasbrushingagainstanopeningbetweenthisworldandtheafterlife.

Weleftthetombandwalkedandwalked.Mystomachhurtmorewitheachstep.Finally,weenteredalarge,terracedgardenarea.IrealizedhowmuchIhadmissed
natureonthis

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trip.ExceptformystressfulvisittotheAlgeriancountryside,Ihadspentmostofmytimeinhotelrooms,crowdedcities,andairports.

Tommypointedtoalargebirdnestingontopofoneofthecrumblingcolumnsofrock."Look!Ithinkit'sastork."

Wepausedamomenttowatchthebird.

Bynow,itwasgettingtobelateafternoon.Tommylookedtired.Isuspectedhewashungry.Occasionally,Isawhimsneakingpeeksathiswatch.

ThededicationIhadobservedintheMuslimsduringmytravelsthroughouttheArabworldimpressedme.Theword"Islam,"Iwouldlaterlearn,means"surrenderor
submissiontothewillofGod."IwasacutelyawareoftheheightenedandacceleratedspiritualityintheairastheculturewentdeeperintothemonthofRamadan.ButI
alsosensedthestrainofthefastwearingonthepeopleasIobservedthemcarryingontheirdailywork.Thirtydaysisalongtimetoabstain.

AsIwatchedTommypantandpuff,walkingdownthegardenpath,Icouldseetheeffectsoftheelongatedfastwearingonhim,too.

"Areyougettinghungry?"

"Yes,"hesaid.

"Goingforamonthwithouteatingordrinkingalldaymustgettough,"Isaid.

Henodded."Butit'sgoodforyou,"hesaid,grimacing.

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Iagreed."It'sgoodforthebody,goodforthemind...

"Andgoodforthespirit,"hesaid,finishingmysentence.

ItrudgedbehindTommyacrossthewidemainstreetsofRabatintotheentrancetotheCasbahdesOudaia,aseventeenthcenturyfortresshiddenwithinthecitynear
theshoresoftheAtlanticOcean.Aswewalkedthenarrowstreetsofthecasbah,Ipointedtoasmallopenmarketnestledbetweentwohouses.Icouldn'tstandthe
paininmystomachanylonger.Ineededalargebottleofwater.

Wefinishedthetour.IthankedandpaidTommy,thenmadethedrivebacktoCasablanca,holdingmystomachalltheway.Bynow,itfeltasifIhadswalloweda
porcupine,quillsandall.

Manysubstances,places,andpeoplecanbetoxictous.Evenotherpeople'sselfhatred,theirbeliefsaboutthemselvesorus,canbepoisonous.What'saroundus
andwhatweabsorbintoourbodiesaffectsus.Ifweinsistonbeingaroundatoxicpersonoringestingasubstancethat'stoxictous,wecandevelopanallergiclike
reaction.Ourbodiestwistandcontort,becomeoutofalignmentandbalance.Wecanbecomeconfused,foggy,evensick.Oursenseofpowerdiminishes.Toxic
substances,toxicpeople,andtoxicbeliefscanweakenpeople,justasthemythicalkryptoniteweakenedSuperman.

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BeforeIunderstoodthis,Ihadspentmuchofmylifeturningonmyselfinsteadofbackingawayfromwhateverwaspoisonous.IfIjusttryharder,dobetter,bemore,
bedifferent,Icanhandlethis,Ihadthought.Ithadtakenmealongtimetolearnthatthelessonwasn'thandlingtoxicity.Itwaslearningtorespectwhatwastoxicto
me.

Thereisafeelingthatcomesagentlehitofrecognitionwhensomethingisrightforus.Sometimestheresponseisalmostelectric.Othertimesit'smoresubtle.The
bodysimplyfeelsatpeace.Thereisadifferentfeelingthatcomeswhensomethingiswrongforus,whenaperson,place,thing,emotion,decision,orsubstanceistoxic
tous.Thatfeelingcanbeeitherastrongnegativereaction,anaggingsensethatsomethingisnotquiteright,orablankresponsewedon'tfeelanything.Ithadtaken
meyearstolearntodetectmyintuitive,bodilyresponses.SometimesIstilldeniedandignoredthem,thinkingIcouldjustplowthroughonwillpower,desire,and
mentalfortitude.AndIstillhadmyblindspotsthoseplacesinmethatdrovemestraighttowhatIknewIwasallergicto.

IhadsurvivedtheterroristsinAlgeria.ButIdidmyselfinwhenIignoredmyinstinctsinCasablanca.Ihadbrokenmyownrule:"Don'tdrinkthemilk."

WhenIreturnedtomyroomatthehotelinCasablanca,IdugthroughmysuitcasesandfoundsomeherbsformystomachthatIhadbroughtforanemergencysuch
asthis.

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Idownedahandful,thenwalkedtothewindowandopenedthecurtains.IsawallthesamesightsIhadseenbefore,thefirsttimeIwashere.Veiledwomenand
darkeyedmencrowdedthecitystreets.Thenoisefromradios,cars,andshiphornsblaredupthroughthewindow.Sootcoveredallthebuildingsthemodernhigh
risesandtheoldArabianshops.Maurice,myfriendfromAmerica,hadbeenright.Casablancawasindeedadirtyseaportcity.Butithadbecomemorethanthat.
Now,ithadbecomeasafeharborandahome.

Mytimeherewasending.SoonIwouldbeleavingforCairo,Egypt.Theenergyofthistripwasabouttoshiftagain.Ihadnoideawhatwascoming,noinklingof
whatwasinstore.Forjustamoment,clutchingmystomach,IwonderedifIshouldcancelmyplansandreturntoAmerica.Thatthoughtpassedquickly.Iwasinway
toodeep.Therewasnoturningback.

IhadsurvivedmyinitiationinthevortexofterrorisminAlgeria.IhadmademypeacewithMorocco.NowIwasabouttomoveintomyindoctrinationintotheancient
Egyptianmysteryschool.

''IstilldonotunderstandwhyyouwouldspendsomuchtimeinthecountriesyoudidandthensuddenlydecidenottoflytoGreecefortheluxurypartofyour
vacation,''myinterrogatorinCairosaid.

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"Itwasprobablyacombinationofmyallergytodairyproductsandthedifferenceinthewaymilkistreatedhere,"Isaid."ButIgotsickfromdrinkingthemilk."

Ihatedmyselfforwhathappenednext.Istartedtocry."Ihaven'tdoneanythingwrong,"Isaid."I'mtired.I'msick.AndIjustwanttogohome."

Thewomanlookedatme.Shebegantalkingtothemanstandingnexttoher,againinalanguageIcouldn'tunderstand.Thensheturnedtome."I'msorrythishadto
takesolong,"shesaid."Youcangonow."

Assuddenlyasthisinterrogationbegan,itended.Ididn'tunderstandwhathadjusthappened,butitwasover.TheflighttoTelAvivhadbeendelayedforseveral
hours.Theinterrogationhadlastedmostofthattime.IsatinthegateareawaitingfortheboardingcallandwonderedifIwasbeingwatchedorobserved.

IrelaxedwhenIreachedtheTelAvivairport.Itfeltairy,muchlighterthantheairportsofNorthAfrica,morelikebeinginsideaLutheranchurchthanaterminal.
BecauseIwaschangingairlineshere,Ihadtoclaimmyluggage,passthroughcustoms,andrecheckmyluggageontheflighttoAmerica.EvenwiththedelayinCairo,
Istillhadoverfourhoursbeforemyplanedeparted.Igatheredmysuitcases,foundacart,andbeganpushingmywaythroughthesprawlingairport.WhenIpassed
theallnightrestaurant,Idecidedtostopforabagel.

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Ilookedaround,noticingtheenchantingdemeanorandritualsofthepeoplearoundme.IwishedIhadscheduledsometimehereonmytrip.Evenfromthislimited
exposuretoIsraelsittingintheairportrestaurantinthemiddleofthenightIfoundthecultureenticing.

ThiswasthelandwheretheChristlived,walked,anddidHiswork.

IrememberedaconversationwithNicholeshortlybeforeIleftonthistrip.IthappenedonedaywhenIaskedhertolookupaparticularBibleverseforme.
Shecopiedtheverseontoapieceofpaper,broughtittome,andbeganreadingaloud.

"Matthew22:35,"shesaid."Thenoneofthem,whichwasalawyer,askedhimaquestion,temptinghim,andsaying,'Master,whichisthegreat
commandmentinthelaw?'Jesussaiduntohim,'ThoushaltlovetheLordthyGodwithallthyheart,andwithallthysoulandwithallthymind.Thisisthe
firstandgreatcommandment.Andthesecondislike...unto...it.'"

Nicholestoppedstrugglingwiththethicktextandjustlookedatme."Ididn'tknowtheytalkedlikeValleyGirlsbackthen,"shesaid.

"Keepreading,"Isaid.

"'Thoushaltlovethyneighbourasthyself'"

"Mostpeopledon'tknowhowmuchtheyhatethemselves,"shesaidashorttimelater.

Iagreed.

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"Whenyoutellpeopleyoudon'tlikeyourself,theyjustscrunchtheirfaceandsaythingslike'Howcanyounotloveyourself?'Ortheysay,'Idon't
understandthatbecauseIreallylovemyself'Butthenyoulookatthemandyouknowthat'snottrue.Theyhatethemselves,too.Theyjustdon'tknowit.

"Itusedtobothermewhysomepeoplehadtogothroughsomuchpaininlifeandbesoawareofit,andotherpeoplewerejusthappytogobowling,"she
said,almostasanafterthought."Foralongtime,Ithoughtmaybewewerebeingpunishedforsomething.Butnow,itdoesn'tbothermeanymore."

"Why?"Iasked.

"Idon'tthinkpeoplewhohavealotofpainarebeingpunished,"shesaid"Ibelievethey'rethechosenones."

IfinishedmybagelandreachedthesecuritycheckpointsecondsbeforeatourgroupofaboutonehundredJapanesetravelersarrived.Oneofthesecurityguards,a
woman,pointedtoalaneontherightandtoldmetostandthere.Shelinedthetourgroupupinthelanenexttome.Thenshebegancheckingthemthroughfirst.I
lookedatthelinenexttome.Thiswasgoingtobealongnight.

Imotionedtothesecurityguard.

"Actually,Iwasherebeforethem,"Isaid."It'slate.I'mtired.Andyoutoldmetostandhere.Butnooneischeckingmethrough.AmIinthewronglane?"Iasked.

"No,you'renot,"shesaid."Pleasecomewithme."

Sheledmetoatableremovedfromthecrowd,atthe

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farendoftheroom.Ontheothersideofthecounterstoodtwouniformedwomen.Theybothlookedlikecollegegirls.Oneofthem,theonewithshoulderlength
chestnutbrownhair,didallthetalking.

Shestartedbyaskingsimplequestions:howlonghadIbeentraveling,whowasItravelingwith,whatwasIdoing,anAmericanwoman,travelingalone.Toeachof
myanswers,sherespondedwithanunemotional"Isee."

SheaskedtoseeproofthatIwasawriter.IsaidIdidn'thaveany.ShewantedtoknowwhyIdidn'tbringanyofmybookswithme.ItoldherIhadconsideredit,
butIhadalreadyoverpackedandhadnoroom.SheaskedwhyIhadcometoTelAvivandwhoIwasseeingormeetinghere.Itoldhernoone,Iwaschanging
planes,notleavingtheairportitwasastopoveronmywaybacktotheUnitedStates.

ThenshereturnedtothesubjectofprovingIwasawriter.Ishowedherafewpiecesofpaper,letterstoandfrommypublisher,andsomefaxesconcerningmywork.

"Whathaveyouwritten?"sheasked.

"Hundredsofnewspaperarticles,"Isaid.Shit,Ithought.Wronganswer."Andeightbooks.TheoneI'mbestknownforinmycountryisCodependentNoMore."

"What'sthat?"sheasked.

"Amiracle,"Isaid.

Shejustlookedatme.

"It'saboutlearningtotakecareofyourselfwhenthe

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peoplearoundyouwouldratheryoudidn'tbecausetheywantyoutotakecareofthem.Andsowouldyourathertakecareoftheminsteadofyourself,"Isaid.

"What'sthenameofthebookyou'reworkingonnow?"sheasked.

"StopBeingMeantoYourself."

"Whatdoesthatmean?"sheasked.

Bynow,Ifeltsingledout,persecuted,angry.Andmean.Howcouldanyone,evenher,notknowwhatthatmeant?Convincedshewasdeliberatelytormentingme,I
tookadeepbreath,leanedcloser,onlyinchesfromherface,andbegantalkingather.

"Weliveinaworldthat'sverymeanspirited,"Isaid.

"There'salotofitgoingaround.Peoplearescared.Theydon'tknowwhattoexpect.Buttheproblemis,inaworldthat'salreadymeanspiritedenough,manyofus
havetakenallthatangerandallthatfearandturneditonourselves.We'rebeingmeantoourselves.Thisisabookaboutnotdoingthat."

Shepaused.Ithoughtweweredone.Thenshecamerightbackatme."Whatcouldthepeopleinthecountriesyou'vevisitedpossiblyhavetodowiththat?"she
asked.

"Wehavethingsexperiences,emotions,lessonsincommonwithallpeople,"Isaidquietly,"nomatterwherewelive."

"Explainthat,please,"shesaid.

Itookadeepbreath.Herewegoagain,Ithought.

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chapter6
Shisha
Cairo,thedenselypopulatedcapitalofEgyptandthelargestcityinAfrica,extendsfromtheeastbankoftheNiletotheedgeoftheSaharathevastestdesertonthis
planet,adesertalmostthesizeoftheUnitedStatesofAmerica.InthiscityofextremecontrastbetweenoldArabarchitectureandglistening,newhighrisebuildings,
manypeopledependasmuchonhorses,camels,anddonkeysfortransportationastheydoonbuses,cars,andairplanes.Islamicreligionisthelawofthelandin

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thisancientcenterfortrade,art,andtheMuslimculture.WhilecontemporaryCairohasbecomeaMiddleEasternhubforpublishing,radio,andtelevision,somesay
themajorexportofthismysticaldesertcapitalisstilllifeafterdeath.

ThemomentIsteppedofftheplaneinCairo,Iknewthelighterpartofmytravelshadjustbegun.TheheavinesstheterrorandthebasicsurvivalissuesofAlgeria,
thepovertyanddesperationofMoroccolifted.AfterdartingthroughthebattlefieldsofAlgiers,walkingthroughtheCairoairportfeltalmostthesameasbeinghome
inAmerica.

Ihadarrangedforashuttleandadriver,whoIwastoldwouldbeawoman,tomeetmeattheairportallIhadtodowascollectmyluggage,passthroughcustoms,
andlocatethecar.AsIwaitedinlinetoshowmypassport,Icouldn'thelpnoticingthesignsplasteredalloverthewalls.Thehugeposterswithboldprintwerenotto
beignored:
"WELCOMETOEGYPT.DRUGUSERSWILLEITHERBEEXECUTEDORIMPRISONEDFORLIFE.HAVEAGOODSTAY."

Okay,Ithought,Iwillhaveagoodstay.

Ishowedthecustomsofficermypassport,clearedthesecuritycheck,thenheadedtowardthefrontdooroftheairport.Itfeelssofreeingnottohavetobeprotected
onmywaytothehotel,Ithought,rememberingmyexperienceattheAlgerianairport.

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Secondsafterthisthoughtcrossedmymind,anextremelypoliteyoungmaninauniformdartedacrosstheroom,interceptingme.HeaskedwhereIwasgoing.IsaidI
hadbeentoldashuttleandawomandriverwerewaitingoutfrontforme.HelookedatmeasifIhadlostmymind.

"Idon'tthinkso,"hesaid.

IinsistedthatIhadadriverwaiting.HesaidhewouldwatchmyluggagewhileIchecked.Iwalkedtothestreetinfrontoftheairportandlookedaround.Ididnotsee
anybodylookingformeparticularlyawoman.Iwalkedbackintotheairporttotheyoungmanandmyluggage.

"Theshuttleisn'thereyet,"Isaid."I'llwait."

"I'llfindyouadriver,"heinsisted.

IwalkedovertothemoneyboothtoexchangesomeAmericancurrencyforEgyptianpounds.Thepoliteyoungmanwenttoarrangeataxi.WhenIreturnedtomy
luggage,fivepoliteyoungmennowwaitedtoescortmeandmybaggagetothetaxi.Eachyoungmanatleasttouchedonepieceofmyluggage.Theneachpolite
youngmanstuckhishandout,waitingforagratuity.Thiscouldgetexpensive,Ithought,stickingafewpoundsineachoutstretchedpalm.

Ienteredthecab,gavethedriverthenameofthedowntownhotelwhereIhadreservations,thensettledbackintheseat.Thedriverpulledoutintotraffic.SoonIwas
ontheedgeofmyseat.

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Therewerenomarkedlanesfortraffic,atleastnonethatdriversobserved.Carsdartedintooncomingtraffic,passingoneithertheleftortherightside.Drivers
insistedonsqueezingthroughbetweenlanesofcars,makingtheirownlaneinaspacewheretherewasn'tenoughroomforamotorcycle.Carsturnedleftorright
whenevertheyfeltlikeit,fromwhateverlanetheywerein,despitetheimplicationsofanyoncomingtraffic.

Ileanedtowardthedriver.

"Thisislikeplayingbumpercars,"Isaid.

Hesmiledandnodded.

Inspiteoftheapparentchaos,thereseemedtobearhythm,aflow,tothedriving.Ididn'tseethatmanyaccidents,andIwaschecking.Iguesseditwouldbeokay.I
leanedbackandletmyselfgofortheride.

Althoughitwaslate,almost10:00P.M.,whenwereachedthehotel,Iwasn'ttired.Somethingorsomeonewascallingtome.LaterIwouldlearnitwasboth.I
askedthedrivertowaitforme,thenquicklycheckedintomyroomandreturnedtothetaxi.

Thedriver,anintense,darkskinned,chainsmokingmanofmediumbuildwhomIguessedtobeaboutfifty,spokeathickcombinationofArabicandbrokenEnglish.
Ididn'tknowexactlywheretotellhimtogo,orwheretherewastogohereinCairo.Exceptformyhotelreservations,Iwastravelingoninstinct.Hestarteddriving
around

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aimlessly.Asthenighthadwornon,thetraffichadincreased.Thestreetsnowfeltfrenzied.SoonsodidI.

Afterabouttenminutes,wedroveintoaquieterpartoftown.Whereverwewere,itfeltcalmer,morepeaceful.Suddenly,IsawasectionoftheNiletheriverthat
flowsnorth,thelongestriverintheworld,Cleopatra'sriver.''Ahh,''Isaid.Justassuddenly,thedriverswervedawayfromtheriverandheadedinthedirectionwe
hadjustcomefrom,backintothechaos.Hedrovearoundandaround.Itlookedtomeasifweweregoingincircles.IbeganpointinginadirectionIwasn'tcertain
why.

"Gothatway,"Isaid."Drivethere!"

Hefollowedmyorders.Soonwebeganclearingtheintensetrafficofthedowntownarea.Ifeltadifferentenergypullingmetowardit.

"Keepgoing,"Isaid.

Suddenly,inthedistance,Isawthemrisingabovetheskyline,litwithcoloredlightsforthenightshows,thetipsoftheancientpyramidsofGiza.NowIknewwhat
wasbeckoningme.

"That'sit,"Isaid."That'swhyI'mhere."

Hedrovepastthetouriststandstoafencedareaontheothersideofthepyramids.Ijumpedoutofthecarandrantothechainlinkfence.Thethreegreatpyramidsof
thepharaohsKhufu,Khafre,andMenkurerosemajesticallyfromthedustoftheSahara.Thewarmnightwindsblew

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gentlebillowsofsandthroughtheair.MyblackshoesturnedlightbrownfromthedustasIsoakeduptheenergyfromthesemysteriousmonumentstotheafterworld.
Inhalfanhour,IhadmovedfromthepandemoniumandtumultoftheswarmingcityofCairototheedgeoftheSaharaDesertandoneoftheSevenAncientWonders
ofthisworld.

Istood,mynosetothefence,andgaped.

Ihadjustenteredoneofthemostpowerfulspiritualvortexesonthisplanet.

Onlyafewmomentslater,Ifeltasinisterpresenceimpingingonmyreverie.Iturnedaround.Threeswarthymenintheirlatetwentiesorthirtiesweremoving
menacinglytowardmecomingatme,corneringmeagainstthefence.

Ifranticallysearchedformydriver.Hewasstandingbackabouttwentyfeetawayfromme,watching.Ilookedathim,flashinganunspokenmessagetohelp.He
avoidedmyeyes,turnedhisbackonme,andbegantowalkaway.

MyGod.Icouldn'tbelieveit.Hewasleavingmefordead.

Icouldn'tspeak.Icouldn'tfindwords.Itfeltasifmythroatwasclosing.Ifeltparalyzed.Istoodfrozen,watchingithappen.Themenwereonlyfeetfromme.

"Don'tabandonme!"

Idon'tknowifIscreamedthewordsortransferredthemtelepathically.

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Thedriverheard.

Hestoppedinhistracksandspunaround.Thenhelookedatmewiththeoddestexpression,asifhewasrelentingorchanginghismind.Ifeltaflickeringof
recognitionsomethingalmostasancientasthepyramidsaboutthissubtletransaction.Inaheartbeat,justasthemenwereabouttostrike,thedriverwasbackat
myside.Heputhisarmaroundmywaist,pushedthemenaside,andwhiskedmebacktothecab.

Somethresholdhadbeencrossed,someformofcommunicationestablished,betweenthisfurtive,darkeyed,chainsmokingmanandme.Hecircledbackaroundthe
pyramids,intotheheartofasettlementIwouldlatercometoknowasGiza.HedrovepastblocksofsmallArabshops,nowclosedforthenight,thenturnedonto
SphinxStreet.Afterafewmoments,hepulledintoasprawlingsandlotandparkedthecarattheendofit,infrontofasmallshop.

Theplainsignintheshop'slitwindowannounceditsname:LotusPalacePerfumes.Tiny,ornatebottlesofeveryshapeandcolorpink,red,gold,green,and
purplelinedthewindowsandshelves.Thedoorwasopen.Severalmensatonabenchinfrontofthestore.Ontheothersideofthelot,infrontofatenement,a
camelkneltontheground,smilingandchewinghaywhileawomanvigorouslygroomedhim.

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Oneofthemensittingonthebenchrose,walkedtothecab,andopenedmydoor.

"WelcometothevillageofGiza,"hesaid."MynameisEssam."

Ilookedatthemanholdingopenthedoor.Heworealong,darkskirtoverhispants.Hewasofmediumheight,slightlyrotund,withhairthathadbeguntothin.He
hadkindeyes,asweetroundface,andagentlespirit.Isteppedoutofthetaxiandofferedhimmyhand.

Wetalkedforaminute.ItoldhimwhereIwasfrom,andthatIhadjustarrivedinCairoanhourago.

"Wouldyouliketoseethepyramids?"Essamasked.

IsaidIwould.

"Wouldyouliketorideacameloverthere?"heasked.

Iswallowedhard,thensaidyes."Butit'ssolate,"Isaid."Howmuchwillitcost?"

"Don'tworry,"Essamsaid."ThisisRamadan,atimeofgiving,atimetorememberAllah.Yougotothepyramids,touchtheirpowers,yourfirstnighthere.Whenyou
return,youpaymewhatyouthinkitwasworth."

Hesmiled."Havefun!"

IswungmyrightlegoverthehumpedbackofthebiggestcreatureIhadcomeacrossinmylife.Iheldontothesaddle.Thecameljerkeduprightfromitsknees,
gentlythrowingmebackwards.ThenIstartedgrinningandcouldn'tstop,asthecamelcloppedalongthenarrow

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passagenexttothesandlot,downpastablockofshops,thenupthesideofamountain,anddownontothedesert.Aboyofaboutseventeen,Essam'snephew,rode
nexttomeonahorse.

Werodetowithinafewhundredfeetofthepyramids,thenstopped.TheSaharasurroundedme.Inthedistance,theglisteninglightsofCairotouchedtheedgeofthe
nightsky.Isatonthecamel,gazingoutatthepyramids,theSphinx,andthedesert.ThefrenzyandfearIhadfeltearlierdisappeared.Iwassafe.

Afterabouttwentyminutes,wecloppedbacktotheperfumeshop.EssamwaswaitingformewithacupofhotEgyptiantea.Heassuredmeithadbeenbrewedwith
bottledwater.Hesaidhedidn'twantmetogetsick.

Itippedtheboyonthehorse,theonewhohadaccompaniedme.IputahandfulofpoundsinEssam'shandandthankedhim.HesaidIhadgivenhimtoomuch
money,andhereturnedhalfofit.Wetalkedforawhile.ItoldhimIdidn'tknowhowlongIwouldbeinCairo,maybeafewweeks.Hesaidhewouldhelpinany
wayhecould.Imadeplanstoreturninadayortwo,thenaskedthecabdrivertotakemebacktothehotel.

FromthemomentImethim,IknewEssamwouldbeateacherandafriend.

Backinthecab,ittookaboutfifteenminutestoreenterthechaoticdowntownCairodistrict.Beforelong,Ispotted

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myhotelrisinginthedistance.Wegotcloserandcloser,thenIsawthehoteldisappearbehindus.

"Wherearewegoing?"Iasked.

"Youwillcomeforcoffeewithmenow,"thedriversaidfirmly.

"Nothankyou,"Isaid."I'mtired.Takemebacktothehotel."

"Youwillcomewithme,"hesaid.

Hedroveunderabridge,thenparkedthecarinasmalllot,waytoosmallforthetencarsthatwerecrammedinthere.Hewalkedtomydoor,openedit,tookmy
hand,andguidedmeout.

"Wherearewegoing?"Iaskedagain.

"Coffee,"hesaidbrusquely.

"Idon'twantcoffee,"Isaid."It'stoolate..."

Heignoredmeandkeptwalking,pullingmealongbymyhand.

Wewalkedupaflightofstairs,overawalkingbridge,downthestairs,andacrossastreet.Iwasdustyfromthedesert,confused,scared,andcurious.Bynow,my
thighhighstockingswerebunchedaroundmyankles,butwewerewalkingtoofastformetopullthemup.Weroundedacornerandenteredasectionofthecitythat
hadnocartraffic.Instead,peoplehundreds,thousandsofthemcrowdedthestreets.Theyjammedsoclosetogetherthattherewasnospacebetweenbodies.
Peopletouchedthosein

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frontofandbehindthemastheymovedalongthestreet.YetIsawandfeltthesameerraticrhythmherewiththismassofpeoplethatIhadobservedwiththecars.
ThedriverandIweresweptupbythethrongsofpeopleandmovedalongbythepulsatingtempoofthisgiganticcongaline.

Thesidewalkswerecrammedwitholdshops,piledoneatopanother.Isawsilversmiths.Fruitstandsfloodedwithdatesandoranges.Clothing.Rugs.Everykindof
Egyptianware,product,andfoodstuffimaginable.Ithadtobeaftermidnight,yetalltheshopswereopen.ForthefirsttimeinallmytravelsthroughtheArabworld,I
sawwomentalking,walking,shopping.Iwastornbetweengazingatthestoresandtheircolorfuldisplays,andvigorouslytryingtokeepmyplaceinline.Someone
pinchedmybutt.Icouldn'tstopmoving.Iwouldhavebeentrampled.Ilookedovermyshoulder.Ashrunken,grayhairedmanaboutfourfeettallandeightyyears
oldgrinnedatme.Hehadnoteeth.Iglared,thenturnedaround.

SuddenlyIgotit.Oh,Ithought.Thisisthesouk.

Irememberedwhatthetravelagenthadsaidaboutthesouks,themysteriousmarketplacesoftheArabworld."Theyrunformiles.Peopleliveinthere.They'reborn,
live,anddieinthere.Becareful.Peoplecangoin,andnevercomeout."

"Isthisthesouk?"Iscreamedatmydriver,talkingslowlyenoughsohecouldunderstandmeandloudly

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enoughtobeheardabovethenoiseofthecrowd.

Henodded."Thesouk,"hesaid.

Wewalkedblockafterblock,goingdeeperanddeeperintothesouk,pulledalongbythemassivemovingcrowd.Finally,mydriversteeredmeoutofthemainstream
oftrafficandledmeupaflightofstairsintoasmallstore.Heguidedmethroughthestoreontoasecondfloorbalcony.Hepulledoutachairinfrontofasmalltable
andsaid,"Sit."

Iwantedtopullupmystockings,butIdidn'tknowhowIcouldpossiblydothat.Theywerecompletelyaroundmyankles.

SoIsatdown.Thedriversatdownnexttome.Minuteslater,awaitercametothetable.Heseemedtoknowmydriver.TheytalkedinArabicforafewminutes.
Momentslater,thewaiterreturnedluggingthelargest,mostornate,floorstandingwaterpipe,orhookah,Ihadeverseeninmylife.

Thedriverlitthecoalslikeanexpert,tookabig,deeppuff,thenpassedthehookahtubetome.

Ilookedaroundthebalcony.Therewerefourorfiveothersmalltables,occupiedmostlybymen.Allofthemweresmokingwaterpipes.Oh,myGod,Ithought.Iam
beingdruggedandkidnapped.It'sallcomingdown,rightnow.Iamwatchingithappen.IhavejustbeenspiritedtotheEgyptianequivalentofanopiumden.

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IwantedtobeinvisibleonthistripbutIdidn'twanttodisappear.

Forthesecondtimethatevening,Ibecameparalyzedwithfear.Again,Ifeltanancientstirringwithin,thistimearecollectionofbeingpowerless,unabletospeak,
helplesstodefendmyself.

Justaminute,Ithought.I'mafortysevenyearoldwoman.Whatwouldtheypossiblywantordowithme,eveniftheydidgetme?

Irelaxedforjustamoment,thenflashedtothesignattheairport:DRUGUSERSWILLEITHERBEEXECUTEDORIMPRISONEDFORLIFE.Nomatter
what'scomingdown,thisisnotlookinggood,Ithought.Ihavetogetoutofhere.Thisisnotagoodthing.

Ilookedatmydriver.Hewaslookingatme,holdingoutthedrawingtubetothehookah,offeringittome,waiting.Myvoicewasparalyzed.Myhandswere
sweating.Icouldneitherspeaknormove.

Onenightbackhome,IdreamtIwasaloneinahousethatwasabouttobeattackedbythieves.Oneofthedoorswasunsecuredandcouldeasilybe
accessedbyanyonedesiringentry.Threerobbersstoodoutsideplanninganddiscussingtheeviltheyintendedtodo.Isawthethieves.Iheardthem.ButI
couldn'tspeakandIcouldn'tgetaway.Ifelthelpless.Ipanicked.Inmydream,Ipickedupthephoneanddialed911,theemergencynumber.Noresponse.
Thephonerangintoavoid.I

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setthereceiverinthecradleandjustwatchedastherobbersdiscussedhowtheyweregoingtoenterthroughtheunsecureddoor.Theywerelaughing
abouttheharmtheyintendedtoinflictoncetheyentered.InmydreamjustasatthepyramidsandnowinthesoukIwatched,fullyawareitwas
happeningyetunabletospeakuporprotectmyself"Help,"Iscreamedinmydream.Atfirstmycrysoundedweak:thenmyvoicebecamelouder.Finally,I
screamed"Help!"soloudlyIwokemyselfupandstartledmybird.Minuteslater,whileIsatinmylivingroomtryingtomakesenseofthedream,Icould
stillfeeltheresoundingvibrationsfrommyshriek.

Stillbackhome,dayslater,Ihadasimilardream.Inthatdream,awomanenteredmyhomeuninvited.Iknewshewasnotofgoodwill:shemeantharm.I
didn'twantherthere,butshejustwalkedintomyhouseanyway,asthoughshehadarighttobethere.Again,Ijustwatched,speechlessandparalyzed.
Finally,Imusteredupthecourage,theenergy,andthepowertopushthroughtheblockandspeakthewordsstuckinmythroat."Getout,"Ifinally
screamed,againwakingmyselfup."Getout!"

Athome,mydreamsthentookmebacktomychildhood,andtooneofseveralincidentsthatIwishedwereonlydreams.WhenIwastwelveyearsold,I
oftenbabysatforthechildrenofpeoplewholivedinmyneighborhood.OnefamilyIfrequentlyworkedforwasawellrespected,friendlycouplewiththree
youngchildren.Ilikedtheirhouse.Itwasn'tfancy,

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butitwascleanandpretty.Ilikedtheirchildren.Andtheypaidmefiftycentsanhourgoodmoneyatthetime.OneNewYear'sEvewhenIwasbaby
sitting,theyreturnedhomelate.Iwasasleeponthecouchwhentheyarrived.Thewomandisappearedintothebedroom.Iwastootired,itwastoolate,I
wastooyoungtonoticehowdrunkthemanwastoodrunktodrivemehome.Onthewayhome,insteadofturningatthecornerwhereIlived,he
continuedtodrive.Afterafewblocks,heparkedthecar.Inthenextinstant,hewasontopofme,alloverme,pullingoffmyclothes.''Stop,''Iwantedto
scream."Getoff.Getaway!"Icouldn't.Thosewordshadstuckinmythroat,too.Ilaytherefrozen,untilhefinished,zippeduphispants,anddroveme
home.

Now,inthesecondfloorbalconyinthesmallArabshopintheheartofthesoukinCairo,Egypt,Iforcedmyselftopushwordsthroughthatsameblockinmythroat.
Thewordsgurgledoutweaklyatfirst,likewaterjustcomingoutofarustyspigot.Buttheycameout.

"Hashish?"Iasked,pointingatthewaterpipe."Isthathashish?"

Thedriverlookedatme,leanedbackinhischair,andstartedlaughing."Hashish?No!"hesaid."Nothashish.Shisha."

"Shisha?"Isaid.

"Shisha,"hesaid.

"What'sshisha?"Iasked.

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"Egyptiantobacco.Soakedinhoney.Smokeitinshisha,"hesaid,pointingtothepipe."It'sgood."

"Tobacco?"Isaid,pointingtothepipe."That'swhatthatis?"

"Shisha,"hesaid."Trysome."

Ilookedattheotherpeopleonthebalcony.ThistimeIstudiedthemmoreclosely.Theywerealldrinkingfruitdrinksandteas.Iscannedthemenuonthewall,trying
toreadthewords.Iwasinajuicebar,theEgyptianequivalentofahealthfoodstore.Theonlydifferencewasthathere,healthfoodstoresapparentlyservedjuice
withawaterpipeandtobacco.Isniffedtheshisha.Itsmelledgood,likepurepipetobacco.Ithoughtabouttryingapuff,then,rememberingmyexperiencewiththe
milkinMorocco,decidedagainstit.Mystomachstillhurt.Iorderedaglassofmangojuiceandsatback.

Tenyearsago,apsychicagypsyIknewbackthenwantedtogivemeareading.Herjewelryclanking,shedugouthercrystalball.Hereyesglazedover
asshebegangazingintotheglasssphere.Afterafewmoments,shelookedintomyeyesandmadehersolemnextrasensorypronouncement.

"IseeI'mgettingthatyoudon'treallyloveyourself"shesaid.

"TellmesomethingIdon'tknow,"Isaidtoher.

AlthoughIprobablywouldn'tmakeitintotheHowardSternSelfLoathingHallofFame,IknewIhadmoments

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whenIcameclose.Ihadmyboutswithselfcontempt,fear,andattimesdownrightselfhatred.IwasaspronetobetrayanddeceivemyselfasIwastoallowothers
tobetrayormisuseme.ButIdidn'tseethatgreatadifferencebetweenmyselfandmostofthepeopleIknew.

Thegypsy'swordsstuckwithmeforyears,implantedinmypsychelikeaforeignobject.IagreedwithherIprobablydidn'tlovemyselfasmuchasIshould.The
problemwas,IlovedmyselfasmuchasIcouldandasmuchasIknewhow.

Lookingback,Iprobablybegantoglorifytheideaofselflove,turningitintoanideal,atthatmoment.IsearchedforitasifitweretheHolyGrailhidden,justoutof
reach,yetaworthyandnoblecause.Ibegantobelievethatselflovewasastaticcondition,likereachingmajority.Onceapersonisovertwentyone,thatpersonis
overtwentyoneforever.IenvisionedrunningaroundlikeaStepfordwife,lovingmyselfallthetime,notfeelinganyemotions,notfeelingtormented,justglowingly,
contentedly(andImightaddnauseatingly)lovingmyself.Thatdescriptiondidn'tapplytomeandprobablyneverwould.Yes,Idecidedovertheyears,thegypsy
wasright.Idon'tlovemyself.

It'sbetterformenottoconsultfortunetellersanymore,notbecausethey'rebad,wrong,ornecessarilyevil,butbecauseI'mtoosusceptible.It'seasyenoughforme
tohand

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mygoldenballofpowerovertopeopleIcansee.I'malsoawalkingtargetforunseenentitiesorthosethatclaimprivilegedconnectiontounseenpowers.AndIhave
enoughmisconceptionsofmyowntounravelespeciallyaboutlove.

InAikido,themartialartI'vebeenstudying,thestudentlearnstobestrongyetgentle,relaxedyetdeeplyalertandintuitive.Theword"Aikido"means"thewayof
harmonizingandunifyingoneselfwiththespiritandenergyoftheuniverse."LearningAikidoisalifetimecommitment.Andastudentcanpracticeandkeepgetting
betteratitaslongassheorhelives.Thelightinthatgoldenballofpower,theoneeachofushasinoursolarplexus,doesn'tdeterioratewithage.Itincreasesasthe
studentacquiresandpracticescertaindisciplines,likerollingforward,rollingbackward,andlearningtobreathe.OnedaymyteachertoldmethatOSensei,Aikido's
founder,diddemonstrationsuntilthedayhedied.Themasterevengotoutofhishospitalbedanddidafinaldemonstrationofhisskillsshortlybeforehisdeath.

Thesesameideashavenowreplacedmyidealizednotionsaboutselflove.Lovingourselvesrequiresalifetimecommitment.Itistheartofgrowinginourabilitytolive
inharmonywithourselvesandthespiritandenergyoftheuniverse.Andifwekeeppracticingcertaindisciplinesincludingbreathingwecangetbetteratitaslong
aswe

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live.Ourgoldenballofpowerjustkeepsglowingmorebrightly.

Somewherebetweenabjectselfloathingandthegrandiosityandnarcissismofbelievingthatwe'reimperviousandknowbestwhateveryoneelseintheworldshould
doisthatsacredspacewecallselflove.Itisaportalandagateway.Howwefinditisamysterysoisitspowertogetustothenextplace.

Whilesomepeoplesaythatfear,hatred,andcontemptaretheoppositesoflove,Idon'tseelifeassuchatidypackageofdualitiesanymore.Ibelieveourfear,hatred,
andcontempteventhosemomentsofcontemptforourselvesthatchokeusupandparalyzeourvoiceareonlybarriers,obstacles,andblockstoworkthroughon
thewaytofindingthatsacredspace.

ThewhirlingvortexofenergyinCairohadtakenme,inmyfirstfewhourshere,totheNile,totheancientmysticalpyramids,totheSphinx,toEssam,andtothesouk.
Butithadalsotakenmebacktomyself.AsIsatonthesecondfloorbalconyintheArabianhealthfoodstoresippingmymangodrink,themessagebecameclear.
Whenlifeturnsonyou,whetherthatturningisrealorimagined,clearyourthroat.Speakup.Tellsomeonewhocares.Mostofall,learntotellyourselfThe
wisdomoftheagesmaybeburiedinthetombsofGiza,butit'salsoburieddeepwithineachofus.

Ilookeddownatthebustlingstreetbelow.That'swhen

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Isawhim,acrossthestreetfromus.IhadnoticedhimforthefirsttimewhenImovedthroughthecrowdedstreetsonmywayhere.Hecaughtmyinterestthen.Now
Ifoundhimcompelling.Ipointedtotheman,thenpulledatmydriver'sarm,tryingtogethimtoputdowntheshisha.

"Who'sthat?"Iasked."Andwhat'shedoing?"

IlookedaroundtheroomwhereIstoodintheTelAvivairport.Bynow,thecrowdsoftravelershadthinnedtooneortwopeople.TheentirelineofJapanesetourists
hadclearedsecurity.Thesubtlemethodsoftheinterrogatorshadsuckedmeinagain.

Mypalmsweresweating.Ifeltfrightened,persecuted,andtrapped.Ihadn'tfeltthisunderthegunforalongtime.WhatwasIsupposedtodo?Icouldn'tsay"Idon't
wanttodiscussthis"andwalkaway.Itwasn'tliketalkingtothemedia,orafeistylover.

Ihadnochoicebuttocontinuetellingmystory.

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chapter7
TheSandlot
IreturnedtoEssamattheLotusPalacePerfumesthefollowingday.LotusPalacePerfumeshadbelongedtoEssam'sfatheruntilthefatherdied.NowEssamandhis
brotherranthestore.TheyweregentlemenanddevoutMuslims.AlthoughtheRamadanfastcontinuedthroughoutmystayinEgypt,EssammadesureIateeachday.
HewouldhavethewomenofhishouseprepareatypicalEgyptianlunch,andthechildrenwouldbringittothestore:aloafofbread,slabsofcheese,dates,hottea
brewedwithbottledwater,and

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fruitanorangeoratangerinetofinishthemealandcleansethepalate.

Sometimesattheendoftheday,Essamwouldinvitemetojoinhimandanymenfriendsfromthevillagewhowanderedbyforthesundownfeasttobreakthedays
fast.Bythenthemenwouldberavenous.Theboyswouldscurryfromthesprawlinghousenexttotheshopcarryingplattersofchicken,rice,andmanyotherEgyptian
dishes.Soonthesmallperfumestorewouldturnintoadiningroom.Wewouldfeast,asEssampassedtheplattersfrompersontoperson,makingcertainwetasted
eachsucculentdish.

Mostoftheactivity,however,tookplaceoutsideonthewoodeninthesandlotbenchinfrontofthestore.Duringthedayandlongintotheeveninghours,themen
wouldgatheratthebench.Theboyswouldplayandridehorsesanddonkeysinthelot.Occasionally,Iwouldseeawomanvigorouslygroomingacamel,buttoseea
womanherewasrare.SometimesEssamwouldpushthestandbearingthesmallblackandwhitetelevisionsetoutsideandpositionitalongsidethebench.Thenall
themenandmalechildrenwouldgatheraroundandwatch.

AlthoughIstayedatahotelinCairo,thenlatermovedtoahotelinGiza,thedustysandlotwiththeboysandthemen,thecamelsandthehorses,thebreadandthe
cheese,andsometimestheblackandwhitetelevisionbecamemyhomeinEgypt.

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Onthisday,immediatelyuponmyarrivalwhenmytaxisquealedtoastopinthedustinfrontofthestore,Essamscurriedtothesideofthecab.WhenIstartedtopay
thedriverthefareheasked,Essamscowled,shookhisheadno,andpulledmeaside.

"Heisoverchargingyou,"Essamsaid."Donotjustgivepeopletheamountofmoneytheyaskfor.Itisconsideredapointofhonorheretonegotiatethepriceof
everything.Youwillnotberespectedunlessyoudo.Givehimhalfofwhatheasks.Nomore,"Essamsaidfirmly.

IdidwhatEssamsaid.EssamandIweresatisfied.Eventuallythedriverwas,too.

Thetaxidriverfromthenightbeforehadtoldmeaboutthemaninthesouk,theoneIhadfoundsocompelling.

IfirstsawthemanasIwasdartingthroughthecrowdedstreets.Actually,Isawhisstickfirst,asthelong,thinrodcamewhippingthroughtheair,rapping
certainpeopleabouttheheadandshoulders.

IcringedandduckedwhenIsawthemanwhackashiftylookingyoungmanjustafewfeetawayfromme.That'sgettingclose,Ithought.IwonderedifI
wasnext.Somethingtoldmenottoworry.

Later,lookingdownoverthecrowdsfromthebalconyatthejuicebar,Icouldseethemanwiththestickmoreclearly.Hesatonastoolacrossthestreet
frommeonthecornerofabusy

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intersection,perchedjusthighenoughsothathewasslightlyelevatedabovetheheadsofthecrowd.Iwatched,mesmerized.Atfirstitlookedasifhewere
randomlystrikingoutatpeoplewiththelong,thin,woodenrodheheldinhishand.Soon,Ibegantonoticearhythmtohiswhacks,thesamechaoticyet
measuredcadenceIhadseeninthetrafficofCairo'sstreets.

"Hehitsthebadguys,"mydriverexplainedmatteroffactly,whenItuggedathisarmandaskedhimtotellmeaboutthismysteriousman."There'sbad
guysoutthere,"thedriversaid."Theysteal.Theyrob.Whenthemanhitsthemwiththestick,thepeopleknowwhothebadguysare.Andittellsthebad
guystostop.''

WhenIaskedifthemanwiththestickworkedforthepolice,thedriversaidthathedidn't.FromwhatIcoulddiscernfrommydriver'sbrokenEnglish,it
wasaselfappointedmission.WhenIaskedhowthemanwiththestickknewwhothebadguyswereandwhomheshouldhit,thedriversaid,"Heknows."

Ineedoneofthose,Ithoughtinstantly.Ineedastick.

Somuchofthiscivilwarwithmyselfhadbeenoverthisissue.Iwantedtoattributekind,generous,benevolentmotivestomanypeopleandsometimestothewrong
people.Thatbeliefsystemdidn'tcreateaworldthatwasniceandkinditopenedadoorthatletthebadguysin.

Inthedaystocome,IwouldnoticethatmanyofthemenandboysofthevillageofGizacarriedastick.Often,it

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wasassociatedwithridingandusedtodirectahorse,acamel,oranass.ButIbegantoseethatthestickwasmorethananecessarytool.Itwasasymbolof
protectionandpower.

Yearsago,whenIhadstartedlearningaboutsettinglimits,sayingnogettingastickIthoughtitwassomethingIwouldneedtodoforashortwhile.Iassumed
thatasIprogressedinmylife,thesituationswhereIwouldneedtousemystickwoulddecreaseandeventuallybeeliminated.Butateachnewlevelofplay,an
abundanceofnewsituationsaroserequiringthatIpickupandusemystick.Someofthesecircumstanceswereobvioussituationsofmanipulation,deceit,orchemical
abuse.Thesesituationsweresimpletodealwithandeasytorecognize.Butmanysituationsatthenewlevelswerefarmoresubtle.Theenergypatternsweresimilar.
I'dfeeloffbalanceandconfused.Somethingwouldn'tfeelright,thenIwoulddoubtwhetherIcouldtrustmyselfandIwouldbeuncertainaboutwhattodonext.But
dealingwiththesesituationsbecamemorecomplicated.Recognizingthemwasoftentricky.

Atfirst,thishadcaughtmeoffguard.SlowlyIbegantounderstandthatIneededtopaycloserattention.Fromshopkeeperstohealerstolovers,inpersonallifeandin
thebusinessworld,awealthofpeoplearereadytocasttheirspellsonanyonewalkingsoftlyandnotcarryingastick.

It'ssaidthatJoanofArcusedtomakeherwarriorsget

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downontheirknees,confesstheirsins,andcleansetheirsoulsbeforegoingintobattle.Maybesheknewintuitivelythatanylingering,unresolvedguiltwouldmuckup
thesoulandweakenawarrior'spower.

InAikido,studentslearntheartofsendingnegativeenergybacktothesender.Itisanartbasedonnonresistance.Strengthandspeedarenotconsidered
power.Studentslearntostayalertandfocusednotparanoidwatchinginfrontofandbehindthemselves.

IfeltconfusedatfirstandforawhilewhenIbeganstudyingAikido.Eachtimemyteacheroranotherstudentmadeamoveonmeintraining,Iwould
lookatmyteacherandsay,''WhatshouldIdo?Idon'tknowwhattodo."

Myteacherwouldn'trespond.Hebelievesthatstudentslearnbestbystrugglingthroughtheconfusionandfiguringthingsoutthemselves.Iwouldbe
twisted,pulled,pushed,yanked,andsometimespunched.AndIwouldjuststandthere.Aftermonthsofpassivelyallowingmyselftobemauled,Icaughton.

"Ifinallyfiguredoutwhattodowhensomeonetriestopunchme,"Isaidtomyteacheroneday.

"What?"heasked.

"Duck,"Isaid.

Backinthesandlot,EssamaskedmewhatIwantedtodothatday.Tomysurprise,Idecidedtogohorsebackriding.Ihadneverriddenahorsebeforeinmylife.
Once,

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whenIwasaboutthree,arelativehadplacedmeontopofahorse.Thatstallionlookedsobig.Iimmediatelytoppledoff.Thefallknockedthewindoutofme,inthat
painfulwaythathappenswhenyoutakeasudden,unexpectedblowtothesolarplexus.Agroupofrelativesstoodaroundlaughing,watchingmerollontheground
groaningandtryingdesperatelynottocry.Inevermountedahorseagain,exceptthebeautiful,carved,woodenonesonthemerrygoroundatthefair.

Now,IswungmylegoverthesideofthishorseandmounteditasifIhadbeenridingallmylife.Thesaddlewaslayersofoldblanketstiedaroundthehorse'sback.
Essam'snephew,theyoungmanwhohadaccompaniedmetothepyramids,rodenexttomeagain.Westartedataslowtrot,precariouslyscalingtherockyhills.
Whenwereachedtheflatexpanseofthedesert,webothbegangallopingthroughthedust.Ileanedforward,ridingthathorseasfastashewouldgo.TheFebruaryair
blewcoolagainstmyface.

Ifeltpowerfulandfree.

Afteranhourorso,wecametoapileofrocksanddismounted.Isatinthesand,leaningagainsttherocks,drinkingfromthebottleofwaterIhadstashedinmy
backpack.

"Doyouhaveahusband?"theyoungmanasked.

"Notanymore,"Isaid."I'mdivorced."

"YououghttocometoEgyptandlive,"hesaid."Youcouldhavemorethanonehusbandhere."

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Igavehimastrangelook."Womencanhavemorethanonehusbandhere?"Iasked.

"Oh,yes,"hesaid.

"Whataboutthemen?Dotheygetmorethanonewife?"

"Yes,"theyoungmansaid.

"Ithinkyou'vegotthatconfused,"Isaid."You'retellingmethatwomengetmorethanonehusband,mengetmorethanonewife,andeveryoneisabletomakesense
outofthatandlivehappily?"

Theyoungmansmiled."Yes.Youshouldcomehere.You'dlikeit."

Ilaughed.

"Iprobablywould,"Isaid.

Wegotbackonourhorsesandreturnedtotheperfumeshop.

Essamhadlunchwaitingforme.Hedidn'teatitwasRamadanandstilldaylight.WesatonthebenchoutsidetheshoptalkingwhileIate.IwassohungryIfeltonly
slightlyguiltyabouteatinginfrontofhim.

WhenIfinishedeating,Ilookedaroundforarestroom.Ididn'tseeoneinthestore.Essamsaidtherewasnoneintheshop,thattouristsusuallywentsomewherein
thevillagetousefacilities.ThenhesaidIwasmorethanwelcometogotohishome,whichwasnextdoor,andusethebathroomthere.

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Ifollowedhimaroundthestore,throughacourtyardlitteredwithchildren'stoys,tothedoorofasprawlingonestoryhome.Itlookednewandfairlymodern.Essam
toldmethatinthevillageofGizahishousewasconsideredamansion.Helivedtherewithhisaunt,hissisters,hisbrotherinlaw,andtheirchildren.Hetoldmetogo
in,turntotherightandIwouldcometothebathroom.Iwalkedintoamazeofrooms,thenfoundaseriesofroomseachofwhichseemedlikepartofthebathroom.
Thefirsttinyroomcontainedasink.Iwasn'tsureifthewaterworkedornot.Inthenextroom,afaucetprojectedoutofthewall.Iguessedthatwastheshower.In
thenextroomwasatoilet.Nexttoitwasalargebasinofwaterandawoodenladleforflushing.

WhenIexitedthebathroomandwalkedbackthroughthehouse,Iinadvertentlyturnedthewrongway.SuddenlyIwasstandinginthemidstofaroomofwomen.
Theyweresittingontheflooronlayersofrugsandpillows,watchingtelevision.Theyworelong,colorfuldresses.Ismiled.Onewoman,thewomaninthemiddle,
motionedformetositdownnexttoher.

Idid.

Theydidn'tspeakEnglish.Ididn'tspeakArabic.Sowejustsatthere.Theireyesglowed.Theyseemedsohappytohavecompany.Igotalittlenervousafterawhile.
Ididn'tknowwhattodonext,andtheydidn'twantmetoleave.Finally,Essamenteredtheroom.

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Hetalkedtothemforaminute,thenturnedtome.

"Theylikeyou,"hesaid.

Whenwereturnedtothebenchonthesandlot,ItoldEssamwhathisnephewhadtoldmeandaskedhimifitweretruethatwomenwereallowedtomarrymorethan
onehusband.

Essamshookhishead."No,"hesaid."Thatisnottrue.Womenareallowedonehusband.Mencantakefourwives."

"Whataboutdivorce?"Iasked."Canawomandivorceherhusbandifshe'sunhappyortheyhaveseriousproblems?"

Essamshookhisheadagain."No.Thewomancannotdivorceherhusband.Onlythehusbandcandivorcethewife."

"That'snotfair,"Isaid."Itdoesn'tsoundlikeagooddealtome."

Aheavypausefilledtheair.

"Itisnotagoodthingtobebornawomaninthiscountry,"Essamfinallysaid."Itstartsatbirth.Everyonegathersaroundwaitingtohearwhetherthechildbornisa
maleorafemale.Iftheycomeoutandsayitisaboy,fireworks!Thepeoplescreamandcheerloudly.Theycelebratesometimesfordays!Butiftheycomeoutand
sayit'sagirl,thereissilence.Noonesaysaword.Thepeopleactliketheyheardnothing.Theyturn,walkaway,and

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returnquietlytowhattheyweredoing."

AsIlistenedtoEssamtellmeaboutEgyptianwomen,Iagainfeltafaintstirringwithinme,asIhadoutsidethepyramidsmyfirstnightinCairo.Formuchofmylife,I
hadquietlyragedaboutbeingawomanandabouttheinequalityinpower,notjustbetweenthesexesbutbetweenpeople.Itseemedtomethatsooften,certain
peopleoftitle,role,andsexwerenaturallyaffordedpoweritwasanentitlementofsortswhileothershadtoworksohardforthissamepower,oftenevento
convinceothersorthemselvesthattheyhadpower.Ihadraged,albeitsilently,abouttheconstraintsIfelttheexpectations,thelimitations,andtheconstantneedto
provemypowerpowerautomaticallybestowedonsomewhetherornotthatpresumptionofpowerwaswarranted.

Sittinginthesandlot,Ibegantoseethatsomeofourbeliefsaboutpowerareprefabricated,doledandrationedouttousinouryouth,sometimesatthemomentof
birth,sometimesbeforewe'reborn.Soaremanyofourlimitationslikenotbeingabletorideahorse.

IwasgettingtiredofpresumingothershadpowerandIhadnone.

Iwonderedhowdeep,andhowancient,myragereallywas.

IthadtakenmemanyyearstounderstandthatIhadpower.Ithadtakenmeevenlongertobegintounderstand

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howtouseit.OftenIbecameconfusedaboutwhatpowerIhadinanysituationandwhatpowerIdidn'thave.Whenmysondied,IfeltsoimpotentthatIforgotIhad
anypoweratall.Whenthedoctortoldmetherewasnohope,Iswallowedmyrageandbitterlyacceptedmypowerlessness.TherewasnothingIcoulddo.

Ihadsetdownmystickandwalkedawayfromit.IhadforgottenIhadastick.

Bynow,backatthesandlot,thesunwasalmostreadytoset.ItoldEssamIwastired.IthadbeenalongdayIwasreadytoreturntothehotel.Hetalkedabout
thingsIcoulddothenexttimeIvisited.

"Usuallythewomendonotminglewiththetourists,"hesaid."Buttheyreallylikeyou.Theyaskedthatyoucomebackfordinneroratleastdessert.Theywanttosee
youagain."Hescannedmyattire.Iwaswearingadarksweatsuit.''Iwanttogetyouadress,''hesaid."Withyourdarkhairanddarkskin,Icouldthentakeyouinto
thevillage.Peoplewillthinkyouarefromhere.Therearemanythingsforyoutodo,"hesaid."Andsoonyouwillbereadytogoinsidethepyramidsandmeditate.
Thenyouwillgetthespecialpowers."

Ifeltexcited,curious,andhonoredtomeetthewomen.Ididn'tunderstandwhatEssammeantabout"gettingthespecialpowers"fromthepyramids.ButasIsaton
thebenchoutsideLotusPalacePerfumesremembering

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howIhadfeltridingthathorseacrossthedesert,IknewIhadunearthedandresurrectedmypower.

Aboywasridingadonkeyaroundthesandlot.Inhishand,heheldastickashortermodeloftheoneIhadseenthenightbeforeinthesouk.

ItoldEssamIwouldbehappytodoallthethingshediscussed.ThenIpointedtothestickintheboy'shand.

"ButIwantoneofthose,too,"Isaid,"tohelpmeremember."

Essamsmiled.Hedidn'tsayanything.Iknewheunderstood.Ifinallyunderstood,too.Ididn'tneedtobuyastick.Ialreadyhadone.Eachofusdoes.Allweneedto
doispickitupanduseit.

Scheherazade,themythicalheroineoftheArabianNights,puthersticktogooduse.Shelivedinalandwherethesultanthekinghadbeendeeply
betrayedbyhiswife.(Oneday,thesultanhadreturnedhomeunexpectedlyfromajourneyandfoundhisbelovedcavortingwithanother.)Todealwithhis
brokenheart,hehadhadthatwifebeheaded.Then,toensurethatnowomanwouldeveragainbetrayhim,hehadmandatedthateachnighthewouldtake
anewwife,avirgin.Aftersleepingwithheronenight,hewouldhaveherbeheadedwhenshearosethenextmorning.

Thishadgoneonforyears.Mothersinthelandwereweeping,eitheringrieffromlosingtheirdaughterorinfearthattheirfemalechildwouldbenext.
Scheherazadewentto

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herfather,aconsulttothesultan.Sheaskedherfathertogivehertothesultansoshecouldbethesultan'snextwife.Herfatherrecoiledinhorror,but
Scheherazadeinsisted.Shesaidsomethingmustbedone,andshewastheonetodoit.

Shesaidshehadaplan.

Forthenextonethousandandonenights,Scheherazadeenrapturedthesultanwithherstorytellingskills.Eachnight,shetoldthesultanaportionofa
story,takingittoitsmostengagingpoint.Thenshewouldsuddenlystop,askingthesultanforpermissiontocontinuethestorythenextday.Thesultanof
courseagreed.Scheherazade'sstoriesweremarveloustalesaboutoppressed,middleclasspeoplewhousedtheirwills,wiles,artisticskills,andfaithin
Allahtofulfilltheirdestiniesanddesiresinthemostmagicalways.Scheherazadesstorytellingskillsweresoartfulthesultancouldbarelywaittohearthe
restofeachstory.Tobeheadherwasunthinkable.Onthenightsshefinishedastory,Scheherazadewouldsimplysay,"Butthatstoryisnomorestrangeor
wondrousthantheoneIamabouttotellyounext."

Bythetimeshefinishedtellingallherstories,shehadgiventhesultanthreechildrenandhehadfalleninlovewithher.Herepentedofhishatredtoward
women,decidingnotallofthemwereevil.Hemadeamendstothepeopleofhisland,thebestthathecould,fortheharmthathehaddone.Scheherazade
savedthewomenofhercountry.Shehealedthesultan'sheart.AndherwonderfultalestaughtmillionsofpeoplehowpowerfultheyandAllahwere.

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Scheherazadedidn'tletanyonetellherhowmuchpowershehad.Sheknewhowpowerfulshewas.Shehadlearnedamostimportantsecretaboutlifeand
aboutpower.Shedidn'tdwellonthepowershedidn'thave.Shemasteredtheartofworkingwiththepowersheknewwashers.

Scheherazadepickedupherstick,thenuseditmasterfullywithflair.

"IstilldonotunderstandwhatthewomeninEgyptcouldpossiblyhavetodowiththewomeninyourcountry,"theinterrogatorsaid,whippingmebacktotheairport
inTelAviv."Thesewomenhavenofreedom.Theydonotevenleavetheirhomes."

Ah,Ithought.Nowyou'rebeginningtounderstandcodependency...

Ileanedforwardonthedesk,lettingitbracemeforsupport.Bynowmybackachedandmyvoicewasscratchy."Iwritetowomenandtomen,"Isaid."Andyouare
right.Iliveinawonderfulcountry.Mypeoplehavemanyfreedoms,freedomsandluxuriesunknowninsomepartsoftheworld.Butmanypeopleinmycountrydo
notunderstandhowfreetheyare,"Iresponded.

"Takeme,forexample,"Isaid."Fortenyears,Iwaslockedinabox..."

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chapter8
LockedintheBox
Sunsetwasthesacredsignalthatbrokethedailyfast.Atdusk,thequietvillageofGizacametolife.

Thisdaywasnoexception.Themenandboysscurriedaboutthesandlotwithavitalityobscuredduringdaylighthoursbyhungerandthesheerstrainofabstinence.
Threecamelskneltonthefarendofthelot,smilingmysteriouslyasiftheypossessedasecretunknowntoanyothercreatureorbeing.IfollowedEssampastthe
perfumeshopanddownthedirtpathleadingtohishome.Inhis

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handheheldawhitecardboardboxoftreasureddelicaciesfromthevillagebakeryhalfadozenlemonbarsmadewithflaky,goldenpastryandadozendatefilled
Egyptiancookies.

Wehadalreadyeatenascrumptiousmeal.Nowweweregoingtohishousetoeatdessertandtaketeawiththewomen.

"Sohowoldarethewomenwhentheygetlockedinthebox?"Iasked.

Essamstoppedshort.

"Thebox?"heasked.

"Yes,"Isaid."Howoldaretheywhentheyhavetogetinthebox?"Ipointedtothehouse.

Hesmiledinrecognition."Oh,youmeanwhendotheyhavetobeginstayingathome."

Inodded.

"Whenagirlturnsfourteen,sheisexpectedtostayathome.Itisthewomen'sjobtocook,clean,andraisethechildren,"hesaid.

"Dotheyhavetostayinthehousefortherestoftheirlives?"Iasked.

Henodded.

"Aretheyeverallowedout?"

"Sometimestogotomarket,"hesaid.

"Howboring,"Isaid."Ihopeyouputmusicintheboxtomakeitbetterforthem."

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Essamlookedatmeasifhedidn'tcompletelyunderstand.Howwouldthisgentlemanunderstand?Ithought.He'snotbeenlockedinthebox.

Heheldthedooropenforme.Ientered,thenwaitedtofollowhislead.WewalkedthroughtheroomwhereIhadfirstmetthewomen,theroomwithalltherugsand
pillowsonthefloor.Heledmearoundthecornertotheleft,intoamoreformallivingroom.Thisroomwassmall.Itcontainedasofa,achair,andanendtable.

TwoofthewomenIhadmetyesterdaystoodwaitingtogreetme.Essamintroducedmetotheolderofthewomen,hisaunt,andtheyoungerwoman,hissister.The
womenlookedfrailandtired.Hisauntlookedespeciallyweary.Essam'snephew,athin,fairhairedboyaboutnineyearsold,satonthesofaamidstschoolbooksand
papers.Heclutchedthenubofapencilinhishandandsatporingoverhishomework.Withtheshynessofayoungboy,hebarelylookedatmewhenwewere
introduced.LaterIsawhimpeeking.Avibrantteenagegirlwithblazingeyesandshinydarkhairwalkedboldlyuptome.Sheheldmyhandinawarmhellothatdidn't
needwords.Shewasstunninglybeautiful.Herradianceinstantlyremindedmeofmydaughter,Nichole.

NooneintheroomspokeEnglishexceptforEssam,sohetranslatedforus.Theteenagegirlwashisniece.Shewasseventeenandverygladtomeetme.Allthe
womenwerehonoredtohavemeintheirhome.

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ItoldthemIwaspleasedandhonoredtobethere.

Thetwowomensatonthefloor.Onelittheflameonasmallstovethatlookedlikeacampingstove,thenbeganboilingwaterfortea.Essamgesturedformetosit
nexttohisnephewonthesmallsofa,whichIdid.Hisnieceimmediatelysqueezedinnexttomeontheotherside.

Essamopenedtheboxofpastriesandbeganpassingthemaround.Hisnephew,aftermuchurging,tookalemonbaroutofthewhiteboxandbeganmunchingonit.
Hisnieceheldmyhandinhers,touchingmypaintednails.Thewomenpeeredatme,refusinganydessert.AndthefaintstirringIhadfeltsomanytimeshereinthis
ancientvillagenowturnedintoawhirlingmaelstromtakingmesomeplacefarbackintime.

Theyearwas1975.Iwastwentyeightyearsold,anewlywed,eagertoexploremydreamsofbeingawifeandmother.Slowlyovertheensuingmonthsand
years,acombinationofforcesmadeitharshlyclearthatmydreamswerefantasiesmereillusions.Bythen,Ihadtwochildren.Ilovedthemdeeply.I
lovedbeingtheirmother.Butpoverty,myhusband'salcoholism,andmyresponsetohisalcoholismwhichIwouldlaterlabelcodependencyhadslowly
groundmedowntoalmostnothing.AlthoughtherewereyearswhenIhadnocar,notelephone,andlittlefood,moneywastheleastofwhatIlacked.Ihad
noselfnoselfidentity,andnolife.Ihadbecomeembittered,drained,andweary.Irarelyleftthehouse.Ihad

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littlecontactwithotherpeople.Ihadevenlesscontactwithmyselfmyemotions,thoughts,orpower.Ispunoffotherpeople'sexpectationsofme,or
whatIbelievedtheyexpected.InolongerknewwhatIwantedfromlife,andIcertainlydidn'texpectmuchfrommyselforfromanyoneelse.

Iwaslockedinabox.

Ihadbeeninboxesbefore.Asachild,Ihadfeltmiserablytrapped.AtagetwelveIbegancrossingoffdaysonthecalendar,countingtothehourhow
muchtimeIhadtoputinbeforeIwouldbesetfree.Myreleasedatewasageeighteen.Ihadfewchoicesthen,excepttowaitforthepassageoftime.Idid
justthat.Butintheprocessofwaitingformyfreedom,Iturnedmyrageandbitternessagainstmyself

BythetimeIwasletoutofthatchildhoodbox,IhadalreadyputmyselfinanotherIwasaddictedtoalcoholanddrugs.Then,aftergettingoutofthattrap,
Iwalkedsmackintoanotherbox.Ifoundmyselfmarriedtoanalcoholicandlockedintomyfutileattemptstomakehimstopdrinking.ItoldmyselfIhad
nochoicesthen.Theredidn'tseemtobeanywayout.

Overtheyears,Igraduallybegantounderstandsomethingsaboutcodependencyandaboutmyselfnullifyingresponsetootherpeople.Ifoundanold
Royaltypewriter,onewiththe"n"keymissing.Ibegancommunicatingwiththeworldaroundmebytellingmystories.Ialsobegancommunicatingwith
myself.Ifoundawayoutofthatbox,awayoutformychildrenandme.ThatwouldnotbethelastboxI'dwalk

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into,butitwasthelasttimeIwouldbelieveIwastrapped.

Manysituationsandcircumstancesinlifecanboxusinwithexpectationsthatarenotours,limitationsthatdiminishourfreedomanddimthelightinourgoldenballof
power.It'ssoeasytoallowotherstoinfringeonourlives,wishes,emotions,andchoices.Theedgesprotectingfreewillarethin.

Ihadbeenworkingforyearstobreakoutofalltheobviousboxes.Butateachnewlevel,theboxesthetrapsbecamemoresubtle.SlowlyIbegantoseethat
manyoftheboxesIfoundmyselfinwereofmyownmaking.Itendedtoconstructthem,crawlin,thenwonderwhomIcouldblameforputtingmethere.Whodid
thistome?Iwouldwonderandsometimesaskaloud.That'swhenI'dheartheanswer:Youdid,Melody.Youputyourselfinthisbox.Nowit'suptoyoutogetout.

Thereareenoughsituationsinlifewecan'tchange,control,ordoanythingabout.Wedon'tneedtocomplicateanalreadyintricateandcomplexlifebylimitingour
choicesandputtingourselvesinabox.

Yet,overtheyears,that'swhatIhaddone.

Recently,Ihadbeguntosuspectthatsomedeeppartofmereveled,atleastforawhile,inthesafetyandcomfortofbeingconfined,limited,andcontrolled.Ihadalso
beguntosuspectthatwhatNelsonMandelaandothershavesaidistrue.Itisnotourdarkness,ourcapabilitytocreate

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mayhemandmadness,thatwefear.Whatfrightensusisourgreatnessandourtremendousinherentpotentialforbrilliance.

Now,sittinginthelivingroominEssam'smansioninthevillageofGiza,Ifeltalltheemotionsthataccompanybeinglockedintheboxadeep,burningrageand
bitterness,fatigue,weariness,hopelessness,andsuchastrongaversiontoconfinementthatIcouldbarelysitstill.Itookabiteofmydeliciouslemonbar,wondering
howdeepandancienttheseemotionalmemorieswere.

Ireallydidn'tlikebeinglockedinabox.

Essam'sniecehandedmeafamilyphotoalbum.Ileafedthroughthepictures.Notspeakingthelanguagemadevisitingdifficult.Smalltalknormallyfillsmanysilent
voids,butwhensmalltalkhastobetranslatedit'softennotworthmentioning.Isippedmytea.Suddenly,Icouldn'trestrainmyselfanymore.

IturnedtoEssam'sniece.''Tellher,Essam.Tellhershedoesn'thavetostayinthebox.''

Hiseyesgotwide.

"Tellher,"Isaid."She'sbeautiful.Sheradiateslife.Shecoulddoanything,beanythingshewants..."

Essamsmiled,thenbegantranslatingmywordsintoArabic.Hisniecelistenedintently.Thenherradiantfaceglowedmorebrightly.Shewantedtohearmore.

"Youcouldbeamodel,"Isaid."Amoviestar.Workin

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anoffice.Youdon'thavetostayintheboxallyourlife.Ihaveadaughter.She'syourage.She'sbeautiful,too.She'sonthecuttingedgeofherlife.Soareyou.Live
it!"

Essamtranslated.Theyounggirlsmiled.Icouldhavetalkedallnight.Afleetingthoughtcrossedmymind,quietingmyvoice:anArabnationunderIslamicruleisnot
theplacetodoaCodependentNoMoretour.

Iwascrossingthatinvisibleyetreallinebetweenhelpingandbecomingexcessivelyinvolvedinaffairsthatweren'tmine.Icouldfeelit.Irememberedthewordsmy
friend'sdaughterhadwrittenonherhandasaremindernottobecomeentangledinagirlfriend'sromanticdilemma:"DON'THELP."Ididn'thavetocontroltheworld.
Therewasagreaterplan.Thisplancouldbetrusted.Ididn'thavetomakeanythinghappen.Icouldletdestinyevolve.

Isatbackonthesofa."Pleasepassthelemonbars,"IsaidtoEssam.

Wesatinthelivingroomdrinkingtea,conversingthebestthatwecould.Afterawhile,Essamstoodup."Thewomenhaveagiftforyou,"hesaid."Pleasecomewith
me."

Ifollowedhimintoaroomthatlookedlikeadiningroom,excepttherewasnotableinit.Framedphotosofmeninmilitaryuniformscoveredonelongwall.Istaredat
thepictureswhileIwaitedforthewomen.Soonthey

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enteredtheroomcarryingarmfulsoflonggowns,eachinasolid,vibrantcolorred,yellow,purple,green,blue,white.

"Theywantyoutochoosetwodresses,"Essamsaid."It'sagiftfromthem."

Iheldeachdressupinfrontofme,oneatatime,tryingtodecidewhichtwolookedbestonme.Theywereallsobeautiful.

"Theywantyoutotrythemon,"Essamtranslated."TheywanttoseewhatyoulooklikeinanEgyptiangown."

Essamlefttheroom.Imodeledeachoftheexotic,beautifuldressesforthewomen.Weoohed,aahed,andgiggled.Finally,aftermuchdebateandseveralrepeat
performances,wedecidedthatthescarletdresswiththesequinedstarandthepeacockgreendressweretherightonesforme.

Ithankedthewomen.Essam'ssisterpattedmyarm.Hisauntsmiled.ItwasthefirsttimeIhadseenhersmileallnight.

Essamcamebackintotheroom.IshowedhimthedressesIhadchosen.Thenhisaunttookmyarm,guidingmetothewallwiththephotos.Shepointedtoapicture
ofadashingmandressedinfullmilitarygarb.

"Shewantsyoutoknowthat'sherhusband,"Essamsaid."Hewaskilledinthewar."

IlookedatEssam'saunt.That'swhatIhadsensedin

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herthatdeepgrieffromlosingsomeonewelove.Ilookedather,wishingIcoulddosomethingforher.Shehaslostsomuch,Ithought.EssamthentoldherIhad
lostmyson.Shetouchedherhandtoherchest,theuniversalsigncommunicatingthatapersonunderstandsabrokenheart.

Essamtranslated,andhisauntandItalkedforawhileaboutgriefandaboutdeath.Wehadsomethingincommon.Webothfeltbetrayedbylife.ThenEssamaskedif
Iwasreadytogo.Isaidyes.

"Tellthemthankyouverymuch,"Isaid."Ihadawonderfulevening."

EssamandthewomentalkedinArabicforawhile,thenEssamturnedtome."Theyenjoyedyourvisitverymuch,"hesaid."Theyaresadyouhavetogo.Theywant
youtocomebacksoon."

"TellthemIwill,"Isaid."Ipromise."

That'swhenEssamtaughtmethemeaningofInsha'aAllah.

"Neversay'Iwilldothis'or'Iwilldothat,'"Essamsaid."Insteadsay,'IwilldothatInsha'aAllah.'"

"Whatdoesthatmean?"Iasked.

"IfGodwillsit,"hesaid.

"ThentellthemIwillbebackInsha'aAllah."

Hesmiled.

Iwalkedoutthefrontdoorofthehouse.Iintendedtoreturnsoon,butthiswouldbethelasttime,atleastonthis

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trip,thatIwouldseetheselovelywomenofGiza.

EssamandIwalkedtoarestaurantinthedowntownareaofthevillage.Hedirectedmetoasmalloutdoortableattherestaurant,thenorderedteaforus.Iranacross
thestreettoanopenairmarkettogetsometangerines.

"Takeoffyourshoes,"EssamsaidwhenIreturnedtothetable.

"What?"Iasked,wonderingwhatkindofculturaltraditionthiswas.

"Takeoffyourshoes,"hesaidagain.

InoticedhowdustymywalkingbootswereasIunlacedandremovedthem.Essamkneltdown,tookmybootsinhishand,stoodup,smiled,thenpointedtoashop
acrossthestreet.

"I'mgettingyourshoesshined,"hesaid."They'recoveredwiththedesert."

Shortly,Essamreturnedtothetablewithmyshoes.Wesatdrinkingteaandtalkingaboutthetangerines,thevillage,andmyplansfortherestoftheweek.Iwas
consideringmovingfromthelargehotelinCairotoasmallerhotelontheedgeofGiza.Ihadn'tyetbegunwriting.Thisconcernedme,butthereweresomanythingsto
seeanddo,somanypeopletomeet.Theseadventuresfeltsoimportant.

"IhavesomemorefamilymembersIwouldlikeyoutomeet,"Essamsaid.

"Who?"Iasked.

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"Thereareaboutfivethousandofthem,"hesaid.

Ilaughed.ThenEssam'smoodshiftedvisibly.

"Ihadtodivorcemywife,Melody,"hesaidafteralongpause.

"Why?"Iasked.

"Becauseshewouldn'tstayinthebox,"hesaid.

Hisvoicewastintedwithsadness,hisfaceandeyescloudedwithconfusion.Inthatmoment,inthatlookinhisface,Isawsomanythings.

Menneedwomenasmuchasormorethanwomenneedmen,Ithought,whetherthatneedexpressesitselfasaneedforfriendshiporaromanticrelationship.I
lookedaroundatthestreetsdevoidofthepresenceofwomen,asmanyofthestreetsintheArabworldhadbeenexceptinthesouk.Societiesneedthebalance
broughtbyfemaleenergy,Ithought.That'swhat'smissinghere.Tobecompleteandliveinawaythatbringsusintoharmonywithourselvesandtheworld,weeach
needthedailypresenceandinvolvementofthefemininesideofourselvesourintuition,nurturing,creativity.

Essamwasstrong,yethewasakind,gentleman.Inallmytimehere,Ihadseenhimwieldpowerovernoone.Heseemedtoacceptandenjoymyindependenceand
freedom,eventhoughI'mawoman.Iwonderedwhyallowinghiswifefreedomthreatenedhimsomuch.Coulditbethateventhoughmenappearedtohavesomuch
morepower

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thanwomen,menperceivedwomenasactuallybeingmorepowerfulthanmen?Didtheylookatwomenwiththesameillusionsaboutpowerthatwomensometimes
hadwhentheysawmen?Wasthiswholedanceabigpowerplay,wherepeoplesufferedfromtheillusiontheydidn'thavepowerandthentriedtorepressthepower
inothersstealpowertotrytobringthingsintobalance?

Theworldischanging,Ithought.OurworldintheUnitedStateseventhisworldhereintheMiddleEastischanging.Onepersoncannolongerhavepowerby
denyinganotherhisorherfreedomorpower.Theworldisbringingitselfandthemaleandfemaleenergiesinitintobalance.

Takingpowerfromanothernolongerworks.Powerwhetheritisemotional,spiritual,mental,physical,psychic,orfinancialisatremendousresponsibility.The
GoldenRuledountoothersasyouwouldhavethemdountoyouisnotasuggestion.It'salawthatdecodeshowtheuniverseworks.Howweuseourpowers,
howwebehave,howwetreatothersboomerangsbacktous.Eventhesubtlewayswedirectourthoughts,emotions,andintentionstowardotherswillinevitably
comebacktohauntus,particularlywhenweinterminglethesepowerfulenergieswithourwill.

Ultimately,howweloveourneighborishowweloveandtreatourselves.

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Yearsago,IpracticedtheritualofprayingforpeopleIresented.Ihadn'tunderstoodtherationalefordoingthis.IdiditbecausepeopleItrustedtoldmeto.Theytold
methatitwasbetterthanseekingrevengeandthatprayingforpeopleIresentedworkedwhichitdid.Ihaddonethisonblindfaith.Now,Ibegantoseewhyit
worked.Whenweseekrevenge,wearereallytargetingthatspitefulenergyatourselves.Whenweprojectmeanenergy,itcanandwillbeturnedbackonus.It's
inevitable.Ithastogosomewhere.Andwhenweprayforanotherevenifwehavetoforcethewordsuntiltheyfeelrealwe'rereallyprayingforblessingstobe
heapeduponourselves.We'reprojectinganenergythatisdesirabletohaveredirectedandturnedbackatus.

Makenomistakethereisavastdifferencebetweenareckoningandrevenge.

InAikido,Ilearnedthattheart'spowerfuldefensetechniqueswereeffectiveonlyifsomeoneattacked.Ifapersondidnotattack,therewasnonegative
energynoforcetodirectbackatthatperson.

IpesteredmysenseiforabookIcouldread,somethingthatwouldhelpmetomentallyconfiguretheideasIwasstrugglingsohardtolearn.Iwantedto
understandinmyheadhowtoworkwithenergythatwasdirectedatme,howtointuitively,immediately,andgracefullysendallnegativeenergybackto
itssourceinthedojoandinmylife.Iwantedtherecipeforhowtoprotectmyselfwithoutbecomingvengeful,aggressive,oroverly

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hurtful.IwantedtolearneverythingIcouldaboutpower,becauseitwassettingmefree.AndIwantedalistofrules,aninstructionbooklettohelpmedo
that.

"That'snothowyoulearn,"myteachersaid."Strugglethroughtheconfusionuntilyourbody,mind,andspiritlearnhowitfeelswhenyougetitright.
Thenyou'llreallyknow.Andthenyou'llremember."

"ButtheremustbesomethingIcanread,"Iprotested.

Finally,onmyown,Ifoundabookthatdiscussedtheseideas,abookcalledTheArtofWar.WhenItoldmyteacheraboutthebook,hesaiditwasagood
one."Butwhenyoufinishthat,there'sabetterone,"hesaid."It'scalledTheArtofPeace."

BackinGiza,asIsatintheoutdoorrestaurantdrinkingmytea,talkingtoEssam,andthinkingaboutpower,women,andrevenge,Inoticedayoungboyridinga
donkeybarebackdownthestreet.Thisancientvillagemesmerizedme.Itwasajourneybackintime.

"Look!"IsaidtoEssam,pointingattheanimal.

"Doyouwanttorideit?"Essamasked.

Ihesitated.Essaminsisted.Hecalledtotheboy.Thenwewalkedovertothedonkey.Theboydismounted.Iswungmylegoverthebackoftheanimal,hoisted
myselfup,thenrodethatassbarebackdownthestreet.

Ithadtakenmealongtime,butIwasoutofthebox.AndIhadnointentionofgettingbackinInshaaAllah.

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"Letmeseeyournotes,"thefemaleinterrogatorwiththechestnutcoloredhairdemanded,reelingmebackintotheairportinTelAviv.

Irecoiledindisbelief.Ifeltinvadedandviolated.Didn'tIhaveanyrights?Whatwasthiswomanlookingfor?WhatdidshethinkIhadfound?

"Iwanttoseeyournotes,"sherepeatedfirmly."Anythingatallyouhavewrittenthatpertainstothisbook."

MyhandsshookasIfishedthroughmysuitcaseanddugoutmyfile.

"Idon'thavealot,"Isaid,handinghersomepapers."Butheretheyare."

"Readthemtome,please,"shesaid.

Iputonmyglasses,thenstruggledtoreadmyalmostillegiblewriting.

"StopBeingMeantoYourselfisaboutajourneyintoselflove.It'sabouthavingcompassionforothers.Butit'saboutlearningtohavecompassionforourselves,
too."

Ipaused."Oh,"Isaid."AtthebottomofthepageIhaveonemorethingscrawled."

Shelookedatme,waiting.

"It'sanawfullybigadventure..."

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chapter9
FindingtheKey
Beforethebirthofwrittenlanguage,ancientcivilizationsdocumentedandpreservedimportantcommunicationsandmessagesbycarvingpicturesandsymbolsinstone.
Thesepicturesandsymbolsexpressedideasratherthanwords,aswritingdoesnow.

AlthoughEgyptgraduatedfrometchingsymbolsinstonetowritingonpapyrusalmostfivethousandyearsago,muchEgyptianartstillconsistsofsymbolicone
dimensionaldrawings.Thesepicturesarenotjustintendedto

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captureaparticularsceneastheartistsaw,interpreted,andthenrenderedit.Theyaresymbolicpicturessacredartmeanttocommunicateaspecificmessageor
storydirectlytoaperson'sheartandmind.

Onthisday,inGiza,EssamandIwentshoppinginthevillage.Ineededafewincidentalssomefruit,amusictape,someaspirin.Ihadalsobeeninstructedtobuy
fourwhitecandlestobringintothepyramidswithmewhileImeditated.WhenIfinishedshopping,Essamtookmetomeetanotherofhisrelatives,adoctorwhois
alsoaperfumemerchant.Wetookteawiththedoctorandvisitedforawhile.Almostabruptly,Essamstoodup.

''Pleasecomewithmenow,''hesaid."Itistimeforyoutogetyourpictures."

Ididn'tunderstandwhathewastalkingabout,butbynowItrustedEssam.Hehadbecomemorethanafriend.Hehadbecomeateacherandaguideforthispartof
myArabianexpedition.

Ihadnoidea,asIfollowedhimtothecar,thattodaywouldholdakeytoamysteryI'dbeentryingtounravelforyears.

Ihavespentafairdegreeoftimeinmylifelookingforkeyscarkeys,housekeys,garagekeys.Keys.

Ihavespentmoretimelookingforonekeyinparticularthekeytothemysteryoflife.

Itwasasiftherewereabiglockedmetaldoor.Ononeside

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ofitwaspure,trueedificationandwisdom,supremeknowledgeofwhywe'rehereandhowtobehappyandfulfilledwhilewerehereenlightenment.

I,however,wasontheotherside,lockedout,spinningmywheels,futilelysearchingforthekey.

Overtheyears,Ihadbeentotherapists,doctors,andhealers.Ihadusedhomeopathy,kinesiology,acupuncture,andacupressure.Ireadbooksandhad
writtensomeofmyown.Iregularlysearchedthroughmagazines,clippingoutarticles,lookingforcluestothekey.Ihadattendedworkshops.Italkedto
people.ItalkedtoGod.IpracticedthetenetsofthefaithIwasraisedin,andbelievedinChristianity.Then,Iexposedmyselftotheothergreatreligions
oftheworld.

InmyyouthIhadtriedalcoholanddrugs,thinkingtheyweretheanswer.IhadusedandabusedLSD,cocaine,heroin,andmorphine.Iingestedmarijuana,
alcohol,barbiturates,andamphetamineslookingfortheanswerinmindaltering,chemicallyinducedspiritualexperiences.

Later,Ilookedfortheanswerinrelationships.Then,Ithoughttheanswerwastoavoidromanticrelationships.

ItriedGestalttherapyTransactionalAnalysis,hypnotherapyprayer,andmeditation.Andoverthelasttwentythreeyears,Ihadparticipatedinmorethan
oneTwelveStepprogram.

Iusedaffirmations.Ilistenedtotapes.Ifeltmyfeelings.Imonitoredmythoughtprocess.Iservedothersobsessively.ThenIredefinedservice,sothatIwas
servingjoyfully,ratherthan

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compulsively.IstruggledtolovemyselfIlearnedtobeassertive.Idealtwithmyglaringcodependencyissues,mysenseofnonexistentselfandmyclinging
vinedependency.

Ithenmarcheddutifullyforwardintothegrindingworksomanypeoplehavecometoloveandknowasfamilyoforiginwork.Ibeganthegruelingand
eternalprocessofdetoxifyingorhealingmyrepressedandembeddedemotionalblocksandcorrelatinglimitingbeliefs,thesesocalledbarriersto
wisdom,fulfillment,andenlightenmentthatIhadaccumulatedsincetimeimmemorial.Hooray,Ifinallyfoundandhealedmyinnerchild.Inurturedher.I
lovedherthebestIcould.Ievenhadafuzzyteddybear,GodblessJohnBradshaw,stashedintheclosetinmylibrary.

Iconnectedwithandlearnedtotakecareofmybody,understandingitsintricateconnectiontothesoul.Iwasonestrogentherapyforhormone
replacementandvitamintherapyfornutritionalsupport.

Aftermysondied,Istayedwithmygrief,everygutwrenching,heartbreaking,mindshatteringmomentofit.ThenIworkedthroughmygrief,finally
acceptingthelifetimehandicapofthelossofmyson.

IwentontoperusetheCourseinMiracles,whereIlearnedwithMarianneWilliamson'shelpaboutthemagicofloveinallitsmyriadshapesandforms,
diligentlyrememberingthatlovealsoincludedsaying"no"andsometimes"getaway."

Atlast,Iopenedmyheart.

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Then,climbingtheladderofspiritualgrowth,Iputmyfootonthenextrung.Withtherestofthenation,Iread,spellbound,BettyEadiesEmbracedbythe
Light,awestruckbythemysteryoflifeafterdeath.

Ilovedthatbook.ButIstilldidn'tunderstandthemysteryoflifebeforedeath.

Iwasstilllookingforthatkey.

Overtheyears,asaresultofmysearch,myvalueshadchanged.WhereasIusedtofantasizeaboutgoldanddiamonds,Inowaccumulatedandtreasured
beautifulrockslapislazuli,shimmeringcrystalsfromtheHimalayas,amethyst,rosequartz,watermelontourmaline.Thesewerenowmypreciousgems.I
usedoilsandaromatherapy.Ichosemycolorscarefully.Iavoidedpolyesterliketheplague.

Butsometimes,inthemiddleofthenight,Istillwondered,shouldIjustgivein,jointherestoftheworld,andstarttakingProzac?

IknewIwasn'taloneinmysearch.MostofthepeopleIknewwereonasimilarquest.Theywerelookingforthekey.Somepurportedtohaveit,butthey
chargedsomuchfortheirseminarsIwasn'twillingtoattend.

TheyearbeforethistriptotheMiddleEast,IspentthreemonthstravelingtosacredsitesaroundthewesternUnitedStates.Isoakedinsomeofthemost
potent,healing,mineralladenhotspringsinthiscountry.IvisitedthevortexesofSedona,theancientAnasazivillageinChacoCanyon,andthe

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blessedNewMexicanchurch,theSanctuariodeChimayo.Igazeduponrocksandruinsandwaterfallsandrainforests,absorbingthatenergyintomysoul.

Ishouldhavebeenglowinginthedamndark.

ItfeltasifIwereinatunnel.Occasionally,Iwouldgetglimpsesoflight.ButinthosemomentsIfeltmoreblindedthanIdidembracedbyit.Mostofthe
time,Icouldn'tseewhatIwasdoingorwhereIwasgoing.Ididn'tunderstandwhatthisentireexcursionwasallabout.

Manyofthetherapies,people,ideas,andresourcesIstumbledontoovertheyearshadgenuinelyhelped.Whilesomeendeavorswerefeelgoodactivities
(theyfeltgoodwhileIwasdoingthembutdidn'taffectmethatgreatlyoverall)andafewschemes,suchasusingdrugs,hadimpairedme(Ihadtolater
spendtimeandmoneyundoingthedamageIhaddonetomyself),mostoftheseundertakingshadcausedapermanent,beneficialchangeinmeandinmy
life.

ButIstillcouldn'tfindthekey.

Icouldn'tunlockthedoorandgetinthatroom.

Icouldn'tfindenlightenment.

SometimesI'dthinkI'malmostthere,I'montheedgeofit,I'msoclosetoabreakthroughIcanfeelit.ThenI'dmakearunatthatdoorandbam!I'dcrash
headlongintoitandfallinacrumpledheaponthefloor.Thedoorwasstilllocked.Atleastitappearedtobe.Ontheotherside,afewfeetaway,justout
ofreach,werethetreasuresIsought.ButIcouldn'tquitegettothem.

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Iwasn'tnecessarilydepressed,butmyspiritached.Sometimesitwasadullagitatingpain.Othertimes,itwasclosertoanguish.Iwassogrindingly
dissatisfied.Lifecouldbesodisappointing.Herewewere,approachingthemillennium,thisglorious,exhilaratingtimethatsomanypeoplewerebuzzing
about.Butitdidn'tfeelallthatspinetinglingtome.Itfeltconfusingandattimesdebilitating.Ididn'tgetit.Ididn'tgetthemillenniumatleastnotwhat
itmeantpersonallytomeandthepeopleIknew.Ididn'tgetwhatthisentireundertakingwasallabout.Ididn'tgetenlightenment.

AttimesitseemedliketheharderIworkedtogainunderstanding,thelessIunderstood.

Maybetomorrow,I'dthink.MaybetomorrowI'llfindthatkey.Itseemedasifenlightenmentwerealwaysonedayonestep,onetherapist,onebook,one
healer,onesomethingawaynomatterwhatIdid.Iwasbecomingwearyandskeptical.

Iwondered.WasIengagedinalegitimatetruthseekingexpeditionthatwasleadingsomewhere?Orwerealltheseactivitiesmerebusywork,an
experimentinfutility,somesortofpunitiveendurancetestonacosmictreadmill?

Overfifteenyearsago,whenIwasalreadywellimmersedinthisquest,atrustedfriendtoldmethatthesecrettolifewassimple:therewasnosecret.That
didn'tsoundrighttome.Theremustbeone,Ithought.Iknewtherewasakey,althoughitpromisedtoremaineternallyoutofmyreach.Now,afterall

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theseyearsofsearching,Iwasbeginningtowonder.Maybemyfriendwasright.MaybeIwaslookingforsomethingthatdidn'texist.

ThisdayinGiza,Iwouldfindthekeytounlockthatdoor.

Essamhailedataxi,andwewovethroughthestreetsofGizaplaza,makingourwaytoasmallshoplocatedbehindahospital.WewereinapartofthecityIhadnot
yetseen.Thesignintheshop'swindowannouncedthatwewereatNileRiverPapyrus.Essamtoldthedrivertowaitforhimthenheescortedmeinside.Itwasa
tiny,narrowstore.AlmosteverysquareinchofthewallswascoveredwithEgyptianartthathadbeenhandpaintedonpapyrus.

"Iwillleaveyouhereforonehour,"Essamsaid."Lookaround.Seeifanyofthepicturesspeaktoyou.Remember,ifyoufindanypicturesyoulike,donotpaythe
markedprice.Half,andnomore.Iwilltelltheshopkeeperthat,too."

AfterspeakingforawhileinArabictothemanbehindthecounter,Essamleft.Thepapyrusmerchant,athinmanwhoappearedtobeinhisearlytwenties,askedifI
wouldliketoseeademonstrationofhowpapyruswasmade.ItoldhimIwould.Sohebegantotellandshowmethestoryofthisancientart.

Inalandwherefewtreesgrow,thepapyrusplantflourishes.Aboutfortysixhundredyearsago,ancientEgyptiansdiscoveredthatiftheycuttheinnerportionofthe
papyrus

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stalkintorazorthinstripsandsoakedthesestripsinwater,thestripscouldthenbewovenintoflatsheets.Afterpressinganddryingthesheetsundersomethingheavy,
likearock,theEgyptianscouldthenmakethesamemarkingsonthesesheetsthattheyhadbeen,untilnow,dutifullycarvinginstone.Unlikerocks,thesesheetscould
berolled,stored,andeasilytransported.TheancientEgyptiancivilizationhadstumbledontoawaytorecord,preserve,anddisseminateideasandinformation.Lighter
thanstone,papyruspaperrevolutionizedtheirworld.

Theshopkeepershowedmehowthethinstripsofpith,theinnerportionofthestalkorreed,weresliced,soaked,thenwovenintoaflatsheet.Heshowedmehow
thewovensheetswerepressedanddried.Thenheshowedmethefinishedproducttheivoryyellowparchmentlikesheetscalledpapyrus.Heexplainedthat
papyruscanbedrawnorwrittenonusingoilcolors,watercolors,coal,ink,atypewriter,orgouache(aformofwatercolorpaint).Heshowedmehoweasilythe
sheetscanberolledandstoredinacylinder.

"Goahead.Lookaround,"hesaid,whenhefinishedhisdemonstration."Seeifyoulikeanyofourpictures."

Iwalkedtothefarendofthestore.Vibrantlycoloredpicturesofallsizescoveredthewalls.ThepictureswerevastlydifferentfromtheartIwasusedtolookingat
artthatexpressedanartist'srenditionofaparticularsceneora

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portrait.Thesepicturesweresimpleonedimensionaldrawings,buttheywerehauntinglyprofound.Manyofthepictureswereimplantedwithhieroglyphicsymbols.
Becauseofthelargenumberofdrawingsandthedifferenceinthisartform,ittookmeawhiletofocus.

Gradually,Ishiftedfromlookingateverythingatoncetostudyingtheindividualpictures.IsawmanydrawingsofthepyramidsandtheSphinx.Inoticedanintricate
astrologicalwheelwithancientEgyptiansymbols.Itwasbeautiful,butwhenIstudiedit,Ithoughtaboutafriendofmine.Itdidn'treallyspeaktome.Icontinuedto
look.Soon,Isawmyfirstpicture.

ItwasasimpledrawingoftheVirginMaryholdingtheChristchildinherarms.

Maryworeaflowingbluegown.Agoldenhaloencircledherhead.Theblueinhergownwasofanindescribableshadeandhue.Thechildsheheldwasbarefoot.A
goldenhaloencircledhishead,too.Bothofthemworegoldencrowns.

Iwasn'tnowandhadneverbeenamemberoftheCatholicchurch,butMaryhadbecomeincreasinglyimportanttomeoverthepastyears.Hergentle
spirit,tenderways,andmagnificenthealingpowerhadhelpedmyhearttohealinatimewhenlittleelsecouldtouchme.

ShehasthelightnessandloveoftheangelsandthehealingpowerofherSon.

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Herenergycalmsandsoothesme,yetsometimestakesmybreathaway.

Ifeelcompletelyandutterlysafeinherpresence.

Ifeelquietlyempowered,confident,andstrengthened.

Ialsofeelunderstood.

SheisthefemininesideoftheDivine.

Thispicturespoketome.

"Iwantthatone,"Isaid.

TheyoungmantookthepictureofMaryandtheChristchildoffthewallandplaceditonthecounter.Icontinuedtolookaround.Soon,anotherpictureattractedmy
interest.Itwasanintricateweavingofpeople,hieroglyphics,andanimallikecreatures.Itwaslongandnarrow,aboutfivefeetwideandtwofeethigh.IlikeditbutI
didn'tunderstandit,soImovedon.Somethingaboutthispicturepulledmeback.Noticingmyinterest,themerchantbegantellingmeitsstory.

"ThispicturerepresentsEgyptianmythologyaboutlifeafterdeathandhowoneentersparadise,"hesaid."Whenyoudie,yougobeforeacouncil.Atthattime,your
heartisremovedandplacedononeofthepansofabalancingscale.Afeatherisplacedintheotherpan.Ifyourheartweighsthesameasorlessthanafeather,you
areallowedtoenterparadise.Ifnot,"hesaid,scowlingandshakinghishead,''yourheartisfedtothedragons."

Istudiedthelong,narrowdrawing.Nowthathehad

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explainedthestory,Icouldseeitclearly.Allfoursceneswerethere:afiguresittingbeforethecouncil,thissamefigurestandingnexttothebalancingscales,thisfigure
beingledtoadoor,andfinallytheornateroomrepresentingparadise.

Forthousandsofyears,thisancientculturehadknownwhatithadtakenmemostofmylifetounderstand.

WhenIwastwelveyearsold,Ialreadyhadaburgeoningproblemwithalcohol.FromthefirsttimeIsneakedadrinkfromthebottleofJackDaniels
stashedinthebackofthecupboardunderneaththekitchensink,IhadaproblemalthoughIdidn'tseeitasaproblematthetime.AllIcouldseewasthatI
lovedthewarmtinglingglowasthefieryjuiceslippeddownmythroatandkickedintomystomach.

Itfeltgood.

Thisparticularsummer,IwasheadedtoaBaptistBiblecampinnorthernMinnesota.Ihadattendedthiscampbefore.Thesepeoplewereserious:they
meantbusiness:itwasmoreBiblethancamp.ButthissummerIwouldbeprepared.Icarefullyfilledseventinyperfumebottlesoneforeachdayofthe
weekwithwhiskey.ThenItuckedthebottlesintomyrolledupsocksandcarefullystashedtheminmysuitcase.

Ibreezedthroughthefirsttwodaysofcamp.Ihadtoattend,asallparticipantsdid,manychurchservicesandlectures.ButIalsohadthecomfortofthe
sun,thefreshair,thelake,theboats,theswimmingandmysevenperfumebottlesfilled

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withJackDaniels.Onthethirddayofcamp,whileIwasdutifullybuildingaPopsiclestickhouseduringartsandcrafts,twoseniorcampcounselors
approachedme.Theyhoveredoverme,givingmethatlook.Then,theyshowedmetheperfumebottlestheyhadconfiscatedfrommyroom.Iinstantly
knewthepartywasover.

Thecounselorsmarchedmetoasinkandforcedmetowatchwhiletheypouredmywhiskeydownthedrain.Thentheyledmeintoasmallroom,aroom
waytoosmallforthreepeopletobeinIthoughtatthetime.Wesatinacircleonmetalfoldingchairs.Withgreatsolemnity,thecounselorsinformedme
thattheywereextremelydisappointedinme.Thatwasn'tnews.Iwasextremelydisappointedinmyselftoo.Ihadbeenforalongtime.Thentheygaveme
theComingtoJesusOption.Theyfelt,theysaid,obligatedtotelephonemymotherimmediatelyandinformherofthisseriousandflagrantviolationof
camprules.However,theyalsosawfittogivemealoophole.IfIwerewillingtomarchtothealtarduringaspecialchurchserviceinfrontofallmy
juniorhighpeersgetdownonmyknees,confessmysins,andletJesuscomeintomyheart,theywouldn'tfeelquitesoobligatedtocallmymother.

''Okay,"Isaid."I'lldoit."EventhoughIhadtodothisinfrontofmypeers,facingthewrathofGodseemedmorepalatableandlessfrighteningthanfacing
mymother'sire.AquickshakeofthedicetoldmeGodwouldbemoreforgiving.

Atchurchservicethatafternoon,Islunkuptothealtar,

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knelt,andwassaved.IaskedJesustocomeintomyheart.IsaidhowsorryIwasforallthethingsIhaddone.Inretrospect,IthinkwhatIregrettedmost
wasthatIhadbeencaught.

Everyonecheeredandclappedforme.Wesang"WhataFriendWeHaveinJesus"and"ForGodSoLovedtheWorld."Thenwemadebigpostersoutof
coloredconstructionpaperthatboldlyannounced"JESUSISINYOURHEART.''

Wewereallsohappythatafternoon.Thecounselorsrejoicedforthelostsoultheyhadledtosalvation.Theotherchildrenweredelighted(probably
becauseitwasmeandnotthemwhohadbeencaught).AndIwashappy,too.

Motherwasn'tcalled.

Wedidarepeatperformance,includinganothertriptothealtar,alongwiththesinging,thecheering,andthepostermaking,thefollowingday.The
counselorswantedtomakesuretheexperience"took."Ileftcampthatyearfeelinggood.Butitdidn'thavetheimpacteveryonehopedfor.ThemomentI
returnedhome,IheadedstraightawayforthecupboardunderthekitchensinkandthatbottleofJackDaniels.

TenyearswouldpassbeforeIwouldfindmywayintochemicaldependencytreatmentandtheTwelveStepprogramthatultimatelysavedmylife.And
thirtyfiveyearswouldelapsefromthetimeImadetheposterproclaimingJesusWasinMyHeartbeforeIwouldunderstandwhatthosecolorfulwordsI
cutandpastedthatdayreallymeant.

Formostoftheyearsofmylife,IthoughttheymeantIhad

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tojamaporcelainstatueofJesusintomyheart.AlthoughIconsideredmyselfaChristian,thatvisiondidn'tworkforme.Itdidn'tmakesense.

Then,onmytripthroughthewesternUnitedStatesin1995,IwanderedintotheSanctuariodeChimayo.TheSanctuarioisaNewMexicanchurchrichin
folkloreaboutthehealingpowersofthegroundbeneathitsfoundation.Thisdirt,thisearth,issaidtobesacredandholy,containingpowerssimilartothat
ofthewaterinLourdes.Crutcheslinethewallsinthebackroomofthechurch,physicalevidenceofthehealingmiraclesthathavesupposedlyoccurred
here.Daily,foralmosttwoweeks,Iwatchedpeoplewalk,limp,andsometimesbecarriedintothischurch.

IntheSanctuariowheresomanyflockedforamiracle,I,too,sawaflashoflight.IfinallyunderstoodwhatitmeanttohaveJesusinyourheart.Whether
theyhadknownitornot,thosewellintentioned,handwringing,soulsavingcampcounselorsfromnorthernMinnesotaweretalkingaboutthevalueand
importanceofeachofourhearts.Hallelujah!Ididn'thavetokeeptryingtojamthatporcelainstatueintomychestanymore.

"Ittakesalottogetoutofbedeachdayandlivelifewithpassionandanopenheart,"NicholesaidonedayshortlybeforeIleftonthistriptotheMiddle
East.

"Yes,itdoes,"Iagreed."Itcertainlydoes."

Theywerealltalkingaboutthesamethingthecamp

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counselors,mydaughter,andnowintheNileRiverPapyrusshop,thisintricateEgyptianpicturehangingonthewall.

Anopenheartisaslightasorlighterthanafeather.AndJesusisinthatheart.

"I'lltakethatone,"Isaid,pointingtothepictureaboutparadise.

Icontinuedtolookaroundthestore.Ittookmeonlymomentstospotit.ItlookedalmostlikeaCelticcross.Itwasgold.Thetopwasrounded.Acrossbarran
throughthemiddle.Oncloserinspection,Isawthatitwasakey.

"What'sthat?"Iasked.

"It'sanancientEgyptiansymbol,"theshopkeepersaid."Theankh.It'sthekeytopowerinthisworld."

Themerchanttookthesimplepaintingoffthewall,andIhelditinmyhand.

Iwasright.Therewasakeytopowerandlife.Ihadsuspecteditallalong.TheEgyptianshadknownitforfivethousandyears.Maybethatwasthereason
forthecamels'mysterioussmiles.Butmyfriendhadbeenright,too.Itwasn'treallyasecretanditwasn'toutofreach.

Thekeytopowerwasn'tinallthethingsIhaddone,thepeopleIhadtalkedto,thecrystalsonmydesk,orthebooksonmyshelves.

Ihadhelditinmyhandallthetime.It'swhereallthehardworkandallmyendeavorshadled.

Thekeytolifeandpowerissimple.It'sknowingwhowe

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are.It'sknowingwhatwethink,whatwefeel,whatwebelieve,whatweknow,andevenwhatwesense.It'sunderstandingwherewe'vebeen,wherewe
are,andwherewewanttogo.That'softendifferentfromwhowethinkweshouldbe,fromwhootherswantustobe,tellustobe,andsometimeseventell
usweare.

Therearemanydrugsthatcaninjurethebodyanddeadenthesoulcocaine,alcohol,heroin,marijuana.Butthereareotherdrugswhosenarcoticpower
weoverlook.Disillusionmentandbetrayalcangrindawayatoursoulsuntilallourfaithandhopearegone.Thecumulativeeffectofalifetimeof
disappointmentscanleaveusconfused,lost,anddulled.Whetherithappensinonemomentorovermanyyears,losingfaithdeadensthespiritlikea
syringefilledwithheroinoralineofcoke.ThemostdebilitatingdrugonthisplanetbesideslosingfaithinGodiswhenwestopbelievinginourselves.

"I'lltakeit,"Isaid."I'vebeenlookingforthatforalongtime."

ShortlyafterIpaidformypictures,halfprice,Essamreturnedtothestore.Wehadaquietafternoon,sittinginthesandlot,watchinganEgyptianversionofCandid
Camera,thefamousoldtelevisionshow.ThenIwenttomyhotel.Iwantedtogetagoodnight'srest.TomorrowIwasgoingintothepyramidsofGiza.

Today,Ihadfoundthekeytopowerinthislifeandinthisworld.NowIwasreadytogetmy"specialpowers."

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IstoppedtalkingandglaredatthedeceptivelyinnocentlookingfemaletorturingmeattheairportinTelAviv.

Shewasn'tintimidated.

"Showmetherestofyournotes,"shesaid.

Ipulledoutanothersheetofpaper."I'vegotthis,"Isaid."Butit'snotgoingtomeananythingtoyou."

"Readittome,"theinterrogatorsaid.

"It'sfromaconversationwithmynineteenyearolddaughter.It'sjustanideaaconceptforthisbook."

"Tellmewhatitsays,"theinterrogatorsaid.

IlookedatthewordswrittenonthepieceofpaperIheldinmyhand.Ifeltsoembarrassed.Explainingthiswasgoingtobethetoughestoneofall.

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chapter10
PyramidPower
FromtheHangingGardensofBabylontothePharosLighthouseofAlexandria,thepyramidsofEgyptaretheonlyoneoftheSevenWondersoftheAncientWorld
thatstillremainsintact.Afterthousandsofyears,thesemassivemanmadestructuresalsostillremainshroudedinmystery.

Fromcompositepicturesdrawnbyarchaeologists,scholars,andhistorians,wenowunderstandthatthesecolossalconstructionsweremonumentstodeathtemples
builtofstone

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andfilledwithtreasurestoprovidealuxuriousdwellingplacefornobilitywhohadenteredtherealmofexistencecalledtheafterlife.

Thedeadcouldnotnecessarilytaketheirricheswiththemintothismysticalnextworld,butancientEgyptiansofnobilitybelievedthattheycouldcomebackandenjoy
thetreasurestheyhadaccumulatedinthisworldiftheirpossessionswerecarefullyplacedinsidethetomb.Theyalsobelievedatfirstthatentranceintotheafterlifewas
grantedonlytothoseofnobility.Andthisafterlifecouldbeachievedonlyifthebodywerepreservedsothesoulcouldreturntoit.Theculturedevelopeda
sophisticatedandsuccessfulmethodofpreservingbodiescalledmummification.Positioningofthebodywasimportant,too.Themummifiedbodieswereplacedunder
theexactcenterofthepyramid.AndthepyramidswereconstructedonthewestsideoftheNileRiverbecausetheEgyptiansbelievedthatthedwellingplaceofthe
deceasedwasinthedirectionofthesettingsun.

Itissaidthatpeopleloveagreatmystery.Thatterm"greatmystery"aptlydescribestheGreatPyramidsofGiza.Althoughtheyareawonderoftheancientworld,
theyarethephysicalembodimentoftheword"mystery"incontemporaryculture.

Howthisancientcivilizationconstructedthesemammothstructureshascausedmuchspeculationandremains

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anenigma.Overtwomillionstoneblocks,eachweighingabouttwoandahalftons,weretransportedandcarefullypositionedtobuildKingKhufu'spyramidalone
thelargestofthethreepyramidsofGiza.Werethepyramidstheresultofmuchgrunting,groaning,andprimitivemanuallabor?Orweretheyconstructed,assome
peoplespeculate,usinginnovativemethodsandtoolsthathavesincedisappearedbut,ifrediscovered,wouldrivalspaceagetechnology?

Whenthesepyramidswereconstructednowpuzzlessomehistoriansandarchaeologists.WhilemanyexpertshavesurmisedandlongagreedthatthepyramidsofGiza
datebacktoaboutfortythreehundredyearsago,otherscholarssuchasJosephJochmansarenowstirringthehistoricalandarchaeologicalpotbysuggestingthat
thesemysteriousmonumentsmayhavebeenbuiltaslongastwelvethousandyearsago.

Althoughmanypuzzlingaspectssurroundthe''how,""when,"andeventhe"why''ofthesepyramids,theultimatemysteryofthesecolossaltombsistheaspectperhaps
leastdiscussedbyhistoriansandmostcloakedinlegend.Itisthesecretsurroundingthesupernaturalpowersthepyramidsaresaidtopossess.TheGreatPyramidsof
GizamayhavebeenagatewaytotheafterworldatthetimetheywereconstructedtoentombpharaohsKhufu,Khafre,andMenkure.Butmanyofthemillionsof
touristswhoflockannuallyto

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Gizadespitethreatsofterrorismandwarandmanylocalinhabitants,likeEssam,believethatthesepyramidsarenow,morethanever,acabalisticportala
gatewaywherepassersbycantouchtheedgesofaworldunknown.

MyguideforthislongawaitedexpeditiontogetthesespecialpowerswasagainEssam'sseventeenyearoldnephew.Heexplainedthemysteryofthepyramids
differentlywhilewewerehorsebackridingtogetthere.Itwasmidafternoon.Wehadjustscaledthesideofarockyhill.Nowwewerepassingthroughadesert
graveyard,thelocalburialgroundforthosenotofnoblebirth.

"It'sbettertobeburiedinapyramid,"theyoungguidesaid,pointingtothedustygraves."Otherwisethewindblowsthesandawayandrobbersstealallthetreasures."

Essamhadbeentalkingtomeaboutgoingintothepyramidstomeditatesincethenightwefirstmet.Ididn'tunderstandwhathemeantabout"gettingthepowers."
NordidIespeciallybelievehim.ButIhadfollowedhisstrictinstructionsanyway.Ihadmyfoursmallwhitecandlesinmybackpack.Iwasdressedinwhite.Andto
mygreatembarrassment,Iwaswearingawhitecottonclothonmyhead,heldinplacebyawovengreenband.

IhadarguedwithEssamaboutwearingthiskerchiefonmyhead,buthehadinsisted."Ifyouwanttogetthespecialpowers,youmustwearthatwhitecloth,"hesaid.

Grumblingallthewhile,Ihadpurchasedthewhite

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headcoveringfromoneoftheyoungmerchantshawkinghiswaresonthepaththatledfromtheperfumestoretothepyramids.Itcosttwodollarsandfiftycents.

Ridingthehorseacrossthedesert,headedforoneofthesmallersteppyramids,IfeltmorelikeacheaptouristimitationofanArabsheikthanIdidanenlightened
womanonherwaytobecomingempowered.

Iknewtherewassomethingspecialaboutthepyramids.IfeltitmyfirstnightinCairo,whenIhadbeendrawntothem.Ifeltitevenwhenthatmenacinggroupofmen
madearunatmebythefence.IfeltthepowersofthepyramidseachtimeIcameclosetothemduringmystayhere.TheirinfluenceonthevillageofGizawas
undeniable.

ButIhadneverparticularlyfantasizedaboutgoingintoaburialtombtomeditateevenoneofthesecolossalstonemonuments.Ididn'tunderstandwhatmysterious
powerscouldpossiblybeinsidethepyramidsorhowthesepowerscouldpossiblyaffectme.AlthoughIliked,respected,andtrustedEssam,Isecretlythoughtthis
wholeordealofgoingintothepyramidsand"gettingthepowers"wasatouristgimmick.

Ifthere'ssomuchpowerhere,whyaresomanypeoplelivinginpoverty?Whyarethewomensotrapped?Andwhydothesepeopledrivethewaytheydo?

Iwasskeptical.Iwasskepticalaboutthe"specialpyramidpowers."Iwasskepticalaboutcrawlingaround

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insideatomb.AndIwasskepticalaboutwearingthisstupidwhiteragonmyhead.

Afterclearingthemountainsideandthegraveyard,Iloosenedmyholdonthereins,nudgedthehorsewithmyheels,andbegangallopingacrossthestretchofdesert
thatseparatedmefromthepyramids.IwasstillbaffledbyhowquicklyIhadtakentohorsebackriding.ButIdidn'tquestionthatmystery.ItwasasifIhadbeen
ridinghorsesallmylife.

Theabilitytobreakthroughabarrierorblockinonemomentandbegindoingsomethingthatinthepastappearedunfathomablewasaweinspiring,yetIalmosttook
itforgranted.Ifpeoplecoulddothat,Ithought,theycoulddoalmostanything.It'saboutourperception,ourfears,andthelimitationsweplaceon
ourselves.

WhenwenearedtheGreatPyramids,myguidepointedtooneofthesmallerpyramidsthatstoodattheedgeofthethreelargeones.Thesmallerpyramidswerethe
burialtombsforthequeensandrelativesofthepharaohs,hesaid.Wewereheadedthere.

Werodetoasmallhutthathousedthepyramidguard.Myguidetookmyhorse'sreinsandtiedupbothhorses.Soon,afrowningbulkofsundriedmanemerged
fromthehutandapproachedme.Hewaswearingauniform.Hewastheofficialpyramidguard.Hewouldtakemeinsidetomeditateandgetmypowers.

Essamhadpreparedmeforthis.IknewIwouldhave

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topayofftheguardforallowingmeprivateentranceintothepyramid.Well,notreallypayhimoffIwastotiphim.ButEssamhadinstructedmenottopaythe
guarduntilafterIfinishedmeditating.

Theguardledusonfoottothepyramidentranceasmallholeinthesideofthepyramid.TheguardaskedifIwasready.Isaidyesandshowedhimmyfourwhite
candles.Theguardshookhisheadno.Hehadfourwhitecandleshewantedmetouse.HesaidhewantedtobesureIgotthepowers.

Andprobablywantstobesurehegetsabiggertip,Ithought.

"Okay,"Isaid."We'lluseyourcandles."

Thebulkyguardsqueezedhimselfthroughthesmallopeninginthesideofthepyramid.Ifollowedhim,tryingtoclimbinheadfirst.Thatdidn'twork.SoIhoisted
myselfupandloweredmyselfin,feetfirst.Inaninstant,Iwentfromblazingdesertsunlighttothepitchblackinteriorofthistomb.Wewalkedhunchedoverthrougha
narrowpassagewaythatwasonlyaboutthreefeethigh.Myguidefollowedbehindme.Afterafewmoments,theguardinfrontofmestoppedandlitoneofthe
candles.

Ilookedaroundthemusty,dankinterior.Thewallsflickeredwithgentlelightfromthecandle.Thecrumblingrockwasthepalestshadeofyellow,almostoffwhite.

Wefollowedacirculartrailleadingtotheheartofthe

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tomb.Afterawhile,wewereabletostandalmoststraight.Thenwecametoajuncture.Onepassageledtotherightoneveeredtotheleft.Wewentleft.After
walkingashortdistance,wereachedadeadend,asmallwomblikeroominthecenterofthepyramid.Thegroundwaslitteredwithcrumblingrock.Anaturalledge
aboutthreefeetoffthegroundencircledtheareaofthisthreesidedcubbyhole.

Theguarddrippedafewdropsofcandlewaxontotheledgefromthecandleheheldinhishand,thenstuckthecandlefirmlyinplace.Thenhelittheremainingthree
candles,carefullypositioningthemequidistantapartontheledge,creatingasemicircleoflight.Isatdownontheground,withmybacktothedeadendwallofthe
smallroom,andadjustedthewhitekerchiefonmyhead.

Thepyramidguardandmyguidewishedmeluckingettingthepowers.Thentheyleftmealone.

Isatonthefloorofthetomb.Thisisludicrous,Ithought.WhatamIdoing?Isthisreallyhowonefindsenlightenment?Itseemedmoreliketheheightofabsurdityto
me.

Ididn'tknowwhattodonext.

Thiswasn'tthefirsttimemyquestforenlightenmenthadleftmefeelinginthedark.

Ayearago,onmyjourneythroughthewesternUnitedStates,IhadwanderedintoaNativeAmericansweatlodgeinSedona,Arizona.Iunderstoodthatit
wasasacredritual

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symbolizingspiritualcleansingandpurification.ButthatwasallIunderstood.Idutifullyandrespectfullystoodandallowedmyselftobepurifiedwithsage
smokebeforeIenteredthetent.ThenIclimbedthroughtheflapwiththeotherparticipants.Iwatchedasthefirekeeperbroughtglowinghotrocksinto
thetent,placingtheminanindentationintheground.Icouldseethattherockswouldcreatetheheatthatwouldmakeussweat.ButIwishedIhadan
instructionmanual.

Ilistenedattentively,sweating,huddledinthetent,astheoldNativeAmericanshamanbegantheceremonywithaprayer.Myanxietyheightenedasit
becameapparentthatparticipantswereexpectedtosaysomethingaloud.Iwantedtofitintotherhythmoftheexperience.IwantedtogetallIcouldout
ofit.Iwantedtodoitright.

Sweatdrippeddownmyface.Ileanedforwardintently,hangingoneverywordtheshamanuttered.

"Andnowwewillhonorthespiritofyeast,"shesaid,"whobringsus..."

Ilurchedback.Thespiritofyeast?Ithought.Whatdoesthatmean?Mymindraced.Itriedtofigureoutifwewerehonoringbread,oragriculture,and
whatIcouldsayaboutthatwhenitbecamemyturn.IwasthinkingsohardIcouldbarelylisten.Allthewhile,Istruggledtoactcalmandenlightened.

Imumbledsomethingwhenitbecamemytimetospeak.

"AndnowwewillthanktheSpiritoftheWest,"theshamansaidnext.

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Oh,Ithought.TheSpiritoftheEast.NowIgetit.

Onanotheroccasion,Ihadgonetomydoctor,aholistichealingprofessional,foralmosttwoyearsbeforeIunderstoodwhathewastalkingabout.During
thattime,hehadregularlyreferredtomy"orc"field.Ihadnoideawhathewassaying.Nonewhatsoever.Iknewvaguelythathewastalkingaboutthe
energythatwaspartofmeandthatsurroundedmyphysicalbody.Theworkwiththishealingprofessionalhadbeenprofound.Ithadhelpedmegreatly.So
Ididn'tquestionhimaboutmy"orc"field.Iassumeditwassomenewdiscoveryeveryonebutmeknew.Afteralmosttwoyears,whileIwasreadingabook,
Ifinallyunderstood.Mydoctor,myhealer,hadbeentalkingaboutmy"auric''field.

TherewerealotofthingsaboutlifethatIjustdidn'tget.SittinginthistombontheedgeoftheSaharaDesert,Ididn'tunderstandwhatIwassupposedtodonow.
But,ifsittingherewithakerchiefonmyheadwasgoingtohelpmegetoneinchclosertothemissingpiece,thenIwouldtryit.Ireallywantedtobeenlightened.I
reallywanted"thepowers"iftherewereanyspecialpowerstobehad.

IwilldowhatIknowtomeditate,Ithought.

IlookedaroundtheareawhereIsat.Ipickedupacouplepiecesofthelightcrumblingrockandheldonestoneineachhand.

Iwouldbeginbypraying.

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First,IsaidtheLord'sPrayer."OurFather,whoartinheaven,hallowedbethyname.Thykingdomcome,thywillbedone,onearthasitisinheaven.Giveusthisday
ourdailybread,andforgiveusourtrespassesasweforgivethosewhotrespassagainstus.Andleadusnotintotemptation,butdeliverusfromevil.Forthineisthe
kingdom,andthepower,andtheglory,foreverandever.Amen."

Next,IsaidtheAveMaria."HailMary,fullofgrace,theLordiswithyou.Blessedareyouamongwomen,andblessedisthefruitofyourwomb,Jesus.HolyMary,
MotherofGod,prayforussinnersnowandatthehourofourdeath.Amen."

Then,IdidaBuddhistchantIhadlearned."Omahhungvaragurupadmesiddihung.Ommanipamihung."

There,Ithought.Isatforamoment.Iwasalotdustier.Thecandleshadmeltedsome.Otherthanthat,nothinghadchanged.IfeltexactlythesameasIhadbeforeI
enteredthismysticalpyramid.

Iclosedmyeyesandtriedtoconcentrate,butthedroningvoicesoftwopeopletalkingoutsidethecubbyholedistractedme.Iwonderedhowmuchthesepeoplehad
paidforthisenlighteningexperience.

"Shhhhh,"Isaidloudly."I'mmeditating."

Next,Itriedsomelessformalprayers.IprayedforthepeopleIlovedmydaughter,myson,myfamilyandfriends.IprayedforthepeopleIresented.Ifinishedwith

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someprayersofgratitude,countingandexpoundingonmyblessings.

ThenIopenedmyeyesandlookedaround.Nothingwashappeningyet.

Ireclinedontheground,usingmybackpackforapillow.NowIwould"breathemychakras,"anexercisemyholisticdoctorhadrecentlytaughtme.Chakrasare
thoughttobetheenergycenters,oropenings,inthebody.Deliberatelyenvisioningthemandbreathingintothemduringmeditationsupposedlyclearsoutresidueand
opensustopower.

Ivisualizedbreathingaspinningcircleofcolorforeachchakra,startingatthebottom,orrootchakra,andworkingmywayuptothecrown.Istartedwithredatthe
bottom,atthebaseofmyspine.ThenIenvisionedanorangecircleslightlybelowmybellybutton.Next,Isawaspinningyellowcircleinmysolarplexus,thengreen
fortheheart,blueinthethroat,purpleonmyforehead,andwhiteatthecrown.Iwentupthebody,thendownthebody,imaginingthecolorfulcirclesrapidlyspinning
counterclockwise.Ididthisfortenorfifteenminuteswithmyeyesclosed,breathingdeeply.

IthoughtIstartedtosee"TheLight,"butwhenIopenedmyeyes,Isawitwasjusttheflickeringfromthecandleflames.

IstillfeltexactlythesameasIhadbeforeenteringthistomb.

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NowIwasoutofthingstodo.Isatthere,lookingaround,feelingstupid,watchingthecandlesburn.Iwishedthetwomenwouldcomebackforme.IwishedIwasn't
wearingthisridiculoushankieonmyhead.IwishedIhadashishawithsometobaccoinitnow.

IfeltasifIhadfailed.

Isat,andsat,andsat,waiting...foratleastanhour.Nothinghappened.Nothingwasgoingtohappen.Iwantedtoleave.''Help,"Ibegantoyellsoftly."Please
comeandgetme."

Theguidesappearedinstantlyattheentrancetothecubbyhole."Whattookyousolong?"Isaid.

"Wewerejustsittingaroundthecorner,"theguidesaid."Thatwasustalking.Wewerewaitingforyou."

Igrabbedmybackpackandfollowedthetwomenoutthenarrowpassageway,throughtheholeinthesideofthepyramid,outintothebrightlightoftheSahara
Desert.ItriedtogivethepyramidguardtheamountofmoneyEssamhadrecommended,buttheguardmadesuchascowlingfacethatIimmediatelygavehimsome
more.ThenmyguideandIrodethehorsesbacktothesandlot.

Idismounted,tippedtheyoungmanwhohadescortedmeonmyjourneyintoenlightenment,andwenttofindEssamtosaygoodbye.

Iwasthirsty,dirty,dusty,anddisheartened.Iwasalsodonefortheday.

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"Didyougetthepowers?"Essamaskedearnestly.

"Yes,"Ilied,"Idid."

Whatacrock,Ithought,inthecabonthewaybacktomyhotel.Ihavereallyandtrulyoutdonemyselfthistime.

WhenIreturnedtomyhotelroom,Ifloppeddownonthebedandstaredattheceiling.

Ifeltcheapened,stupid,andbetrayedagain.

Idon'tknowwhenithappened,butatsomepointIstoppedthinkingandbegantalkingoutloud.

"Idon'tgetit,"Isaid."Iabsolutelyandtotallydon'tgetit.Iamsosickofchasingthetruth.I'msosickofthepainonthisbasicallyuninhabitableplanet.I'msickof
tryingtomakealifeandfailing.I'msickofgettingbackupagaineachtime,tryingagain,justtostumbleandfailagain.I'msickofgoingthroughpain,thencallingita
learningexperience,onlytohaveneitherthepainnorthelearningeverend.I'msickoftryingharder,doingbetter,andbeingsomeoneI'mnot.Thewholethingisa
crock.

"What'sthepoint?"Iscreamedattheceiling."Whydowehavetocomehereifalloflifeisgoingtoconspireagainstustomakeitashardasitcanpossiblybe?"

Lifehurt.Ihurt.Myspirithurt.Myemotionshurt.Andmybutthurtfromhorsebackriding.

IfeltasthoughI'dbeenfightingthedevilateverystep.

"Oh,Icankeepdoingthis,"Isaidaloud."Icankeepgoingthrougheachdisappointingexperience.Icankeep

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struggling.Ialwayssurvive,don'tI?I'vedoneitforalmostfortyeightyears.I'mastrongwoman.IgothroughwhateveritisIneedtogothrough.AndIdoitlikea
trooper.Yup,that'sme.I'msogoodatdealingwithpain,disappointment,heartache,betrayal,andproblems.I'velearnedhowtobegratefulforeverybitofit.I've
learnedhowtobreatheintothepain.I'velearnedhowtogetthrough,getaround,makethebestof,transform,andeventurnitintohealingforotherpeople.Yeah,I
candoit.I'veturneditintoanart..."

That'swhatthisisabout,Ithoughtsuddenly.Igotupoffthebedandstoodinthemiddleofmyhotelroom."Eureka!"Isaid."I'vegotit!"

Iflashedbacktothesummerbeforethistrip.

OnedayNicholestoppedbythehouse.Shewasgoingthroughahardsummerthattransitionfrombeingachildtoanadult.Shehadbeengroveling
aroundinemotionalmuckformonths.Thatday,shewascomplainingaboutherpainaboutallthepaininlife.

"Yououghttobehappy,"Isaid."Today'sFriday."

Shejuststaredatme."DoesyourpainendonFridays?"shesaid.

WelistenedtoJanisJoplinbeltout"MeandBobbyMcGee"and"GetItWhileYouCan"onthestereo.ThenNicholetoldmethestoryofhowshethought
lifereallyworked.

"MygirlfriendJenandIfigureditoutoverlunch,"she

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explained."There'stwokindsofpeopleinthisworld:thepigsandthevampires.Thepigsthinkthey'regoingtobehappywhentheybuyanewhome,get
married,getanewcar,orgetanewjob.Theyreallybelievethoselittlethingswillstopthepain.Andforthemitdoes,kindofTheyjustgobowling,orthey
golfandthat'senough.Thevampiresaredifferent.They'vebeenthroughsomekindoftunnel,somekindofexperiencethat'sreallychangedthem.Andit's
notthatthey'venevercomeout.Theyjustgetchangedbyit.Theyknowtoomuch.Theydoallthesamethingspigsdo.Theygetnewcars,theymove,they
getmarried,theytakenewjobs.Buttheyknowthatthesethingsarenevergoingtomakethemhappy.Theyknowthatlifeisgoingtohurtsometimes,at
leastalittlebit.Andsometimes,it'sgonnahurtalot."

IttookmeawhiletorealizeNicholewasn'tusingtheword"vampires"thewayIusuallythoughtofthatword.Shewasn'ttalkingaboutwerewolves,
monsters,bloodsuckers,orhumanparasites.Shewastalkingaboutpigsandvampiresthewayacollegegirlwouldtalkabouttwofootballteams.They
werejustterms,ornames,forpeopleontheteamsoflife.

"It'snotthatvampiresareneverhappy,"Nicholesaid."Butthey'rehappyinadifferentway.Theyfeelalltheirfeelings.Andsometimestheyhave
momentsofpurejoy.Buttheyknowthosemomentsaren'tforever.Theymoverightontothenextfeelingandexperience.

"Insomeways,"Nicholesaid,"thevampiresareeven

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happierthanthepigsbecausevampiresknowhowtheyreallyfeel.Theytellthetruthandpeoplelikethat.Peoplelikebeingaroundthem,eventhough,for
themostpart,vampires'livessuck.Buttheytakethepainandtheyturnitintosomethingmore.Theydosomethingwithit."

IflashedbacktoaletterIhadreceivedfromayoungmanImetonChristmasDay,thedayIfirstsawthecrescentmoonandstarinthesky.

Hewasinhisearlytwenties.Heandhismotherwerefriendsofafriendofmine.TheyhadjoinedNicholeandmeandourmutualfriendforChristmas
dinner.Intheyearpast,thisyoungmanhadalmostdied.Thenhehadmadeadecisiontocomebacktolife,adecisionthatmadehimandhismotherhappy

"Mydreamisalsotobeastoryteller,"hewrotetomeinaletterthankingmefortheday."Isometimeswonderifthat'swhyIsurvivedtogiveback
somethingofwhatI'velearned.Ihopethatoneofmypurposesonthisplanetistousetheperspectivegainedfromtragedytoilluminatelife.Ithinkitisin
reachingouttotheuniverseanddeeplywithinourselvesthatallowsustotranscendtheseexperiences.Itiswhatallowsustoturntragedyintoalifeforce
forourselvesandothers.Itiswhatallowsustotranscendsurviving."

IflashedbacktothebeginningofthistripinParis,whenIhadwhiskedthroughtheMuseumofManandtheLouvre.That'swhatthatwasallabout,Ithought.Itwas
the

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setup,thekickoff,forthisadventure.Itleddirectlytotoday.Itwasallrightthere.Ihadseentheeternalthemesoflifeonthisplanetbirth,family,health,marriage,
religion,divination,anddeathandtheartthatresultsfromalltheanguishandjoyofthoseexperiencestherichandtreasuredartthatfillsthehallsoftheLouvre.

Evolutionwasn'tsomethingthatmayormaynothavehappenedonce,atthebeginningoftime.Ourplanetandthelifeandpeopleonitcontinuallyevolve.Aswegrind
througheachissueandtheme,theworkandartwecreateembodytheseexperiencesfortherestoftheworld.Ourcreationshelpusevolve,butourlivesandour
workhelpothersevolve,too.

We'renotjustheretoliveourlivesandtocreateourart.We'repartoftheartbeingcreated.

Foralong,longtimesomewhereinthebackofmymindlurkedthecodependentexhortationthatifIreallylovedGodandtrulywantedtoserveonthisplanet,I
wouldforcemyselftotakevowsofchastityandpovertyandlivethelivesofthepeopleIserved.Now,inthehotelroominCairo,Ibegantoseethat'sexactlywhat
manyofushadbeendoingallalong.Wewerehavingtherangeofhumanexperiencesandemotionsofthepeoplewewouldlaterserve.

Liveswithoutpain,comedy,drama,irony,romance,suffering,somefoolishness,andadashofunrequitedlovewouldbelikegoingtoseeamoviewithoutaplot.It's
not

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thatlifeisonlypain,suffering,drama,andtragedy,butthoseelementsarepartofit.Andalwayshavebeen.

Fromtherawmaterialoftheseexperiencescametheartwewouldcreatetheartoflivingourlivesandtheartwecreateinourwork.SooftentheexperiencesI
wantedtodenyweretherawmaterialthathadbeenhandedtometoshapeandformintotruthandintoart.Nicholehadbeencorrect.Thiswayoflivingandcreating
artinvolvesspeakingthetruth.Mynewfriend,theonewhohadwrittenmealetter,hadbeencorrect,too.Thiswayofliving,working,andapproachingourlives
allowsustotranscendsurvivalandmartyrdom,anditilluminatesthetruthforothers.It'snottheartoflivinghappilyeverafter.It'stheartoflearningtolivejoyfully.

ItisthewalkoftheChrist.

Ihaveafriend,adiva,anoperasingerfromtheEastCoast.Earlyoninhercareer,whenshewasabeautifulyoungwoman,sheresonatedtotheMozart
Requiem.HerinstructorattheJuilliardSchoolofMusic,LeonardBernstein,askedherthenwhysuchayoungwomanwithabrilliantfuturewasso
interestedinsuchaheavywork.Sherepliedthatshedidn'tknow,shejustwas.Overtheyears,shecontinuedtosing.Thenshemarriedandgavebirthto
twobeautifulsons.Whenheryoungersonwastwenty,hewaskilledinamotorcyclecrash.

"NowIknowwhyIwassopassionateabouttheRequiem,"shesaid."Itwasmydestinytosingthatsongfrom

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thedepthsofmysoul.Theproblemwas,''mydivafriendsaid,"bythetimeIlearnedtosingtheRequiemwithpassionandunderstanding,Iwasso
embitteredandbrokenheartedInolongerwantedtosing."

Mydivafriendtoldmeanotherstoryaboutacomposerwholivedinanothertime.Thiscomposerconsideredhimselfacraftsman,someonewhodiligently
workedatthejobofcomposingmusiceachdaythewayashopkeepergoestohisstoreoradressmakerfitsandsewsdresses.

Thecraftsmancomposerhadhitawallwithhiscreativityandhiswork.Hewasstuck.Hecouldn'twriteanote.Onedaywhilefeelingtormentedoverhis
dilemmaofnotbeingabletowritemusic,thecomposeropenedhiswindow.Outside,heheardthreenotesbeingplayedbeautifullyonahorn.Thenotes
seemedtobecomingfromabarnnearby.Eachdayfordays,whenheopenedthewindow,thecomposerheardthesesamethreebeautifulnotesbeing
played.Finally,thecomposerlefthisroomandwentinsearchoftheoriginofthesethreehauntinglybeautifulsounds.Hethendiscoveredayoungboy
hidinginthebarnplayingahorn.

Thecomposertalkedtotheboyforawhile.Helearnedthattheboy'sfatherbeattheboyterriblyandrefusedtolettheboyplaymusic.Toavoidthedaily
beatingsandhavethefreedomtoplayhishorn,theboyhidinthebarnandplayedtheonlythreenotesheknew.

Thecraftsmancomposerwentontousethesethreebeauti

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fulnotesastheinspirationandfoundationforthenextpieceofmusichewouldwritethelovely,lilting"StraussWaltz"byJohannStrauss.

Someofushearandlearntosingawiderangeofemotionalnotesinourlives.Otherslearntosingorplayonlyafew.Itdoesn'tmatterhowmanynoteswe'recalled
tosing.Whatmattersisthatwesingthemthebest,thepurest,thefinestweareable.Whenwedo,ourlivesandworknotonlybringhealingtotheworld,ourwork
bringshealingtoourselves.

Inanafterwordtothestoriesshetoldme,mydivafriendtoldmesomethingelse.Ifwestruggleandworktolearnourcraftoflivingandcreatingwithemotional
honestyandjoy,wewilltrainourvoicesandoursoulstosingthefinal,high,resonatingsoundthatisthepurestnoteinthescale,theonedivasworksohardto
achieve.

Itisthefull,richtoneofpeace.

Inlessthanhalfanhour,inmyhotelroomindowntownCairo,alifetimeofdissatisfactionhadshownitsgrimfaceforwhatitwas.Itwasasthoughavortexhad
whirledthroughme,cleansingmeofthesedarkremnantsfrommypast.

Thesegrimemotionalsecretsthathadbeenburiedinmewerenotnecessarilynews.Ihadlivedwith,through,andinspiteofthemforyears.Whatwasaninnovative
thoughtwasthatIcouldbehealed,orfreed,fromthese

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beliefsandemotionsthathadcoloredmyvisionandspiritforsolong.

Iwasn'telatedoreuphoric.Butmyemotionalstatehadspunarounddistinctlyforthebetter.Inthewhirlwindthatfollowedmyexcursionintothepyramid,my
skepticismhaddissipated.Sohadmycontempt.Initsplace,Inowfeltexcitement,arushofjoy,andasenseofpurposethathadbeenmissingforalongtime.

Somethinghadhappenedinsidethatmysterioustomb.Therewasapowerthere.Icouldfeelandseeitnow.Thisjourney,thisgruelingexcursion,wasleading
someplace.Ithadapoint.Eventhoughithadn'tfeltasifanythingwashappening,somethingimportantandmagnificenthadbeentakingplaceallalong.

Mysteries,secrets,ancientwisdom,andspecialpowershadbeenburiedinthesetombs.Nowthiswisdomandthesepowerswerebeingreleased.Ihadtouchedthe
edgesofaworldunknown.

Themysteryofmylifewasbeingrevealed.

Untilnow,IhadbeenlivingoutofanunpackedsuitcaseinoneroominadowntownCairohotel.IhadbeenindecisiveabouthowlongIwouldstayinCairoand
exactlywhereIwouldgonext.IhadoriginallyplannedtofinishmytripbyflyingtoGreeceandwritingmybook

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therebutthatlegofthetripstillhadn'tmaterialized.

Despitethelanguagebarriers,theunbearablychaotictraffic,theovercrowding,mygreatcautionaboutthefood,mylingeringstomachache,andthelargenumberof
peoplewhowantedgratuitieswhetherornottheyhadperformedaservice,Cairoanditssuburb,Gizahadbecomemyhome.

Iimmediatelydecidedwhattodonext.Therearetimesandplacesofheightenedandacceleratedspiritualgrowth.Ihadjustenteredone.

IwouldstayinEgyptandwritemybook.

''Whatiswrittenonthatpieceofpaperyou'rehidingfromme?"demandedtheinterrogatorinTelAviv.Isheepishlyshowedherthetwowordsscrawledatthebottom
ofthesheet."VampireArt,"Isaid."That'sallitsays.It'sanotetomyself."

"Isee,"myinterrogatorsaid."Openyourcomputer,"shesaid."Iwanttoseewhatyou'vewritteninthere."

"Iwouldgladlyshowyouwhat'sinmycomputer,"Isaid."Butthere'snothingintheretoshow.Ididn'tgetaroundtowriting.Somethinghappenedthatchangedmy
plans."

Shelookedatmeasifshedidn'tbelievewhatIhadjustsaid.

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Ibegantostumblethroughthenextpartofmystory.Ididn'tcompletelyunderstandtheshiftyeteithertheonethathadwrestedmeoutofEgyptandpropelledme
intotheinterrogationfirstinCairoandnowhereinTelAviv.

WhatIcouldn'tyetexplainwasabouttobecomeclear.

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chapter11
ThePoundingContinues
EssamhadgivenmetheaddressofasmallhotelinaresidentialneighborhoodclosetoGiza.Hehadbeengentlyharpingatmefordaysaboutmovingtoaless
expensivehotel,onewhereIcouldfeelmoresettledandathome.NowIdecidedtoexploreandmakethatmove.

WhenIwenttocheckoutthehotel,themanagershowedmeasuite.ItwasnothingfancybasicEgyptiandecor.Butthepricewasright.Itwasalmostlikean
apartment.Ithadalargebathroom,alivingroom,andabedroom.

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Itwouldbeaperfectplacetowrite.I'dbeonlyafewminutesfromthedesert.Icouldunpackmycomputer,setupshop,andalternatetimesofintenseworkwith
powerfulmeditationsessionsinthepyramids.

TheancientenergyIhadtappedintoherewouldkeepmehighlycharged.

IreturnedtothehotelindowntownCairo,checkedout,andloadedmybelongingsinataxi.Insteadofgoingdirectlytothehotel,Iheadedforthesandlot.Iwantedto
returntothepyramidsforanotherdoseoftheirpowers.

Ileftmybelongingsattheperfumeshopandmountedacamelformytrektothesmall,potentpyramidthathadunleasheditsenergyonmeyesterday.Ihadpacked
awaymywhiteheadcoveringinmysuitcase.Ididn'tthinkwearingittodaywouldbenecessary.ButEssaminsistedthatIagainwearwhite"togetthepowers."

Asthecamelcloppeddownthenarrowpathonthewaytothedesert,Ipurchasedyetanotherwhiteclothandstuckitonmyhead.Ididn'tunderstandwhathad
takenplaceinthepyramid.Ididn'tseehowwearingawhiteragonmyheadconnectedtothismystery.Butundeniably,yesterdayhadaffectedmegreatly.Iwanted
moreevenifitmeantlookingridiculous.

Essam'syoungnephewrodealongsidemeagain.Ismiledatthesamebulkysundriedpyramidguardandfollowedhimthroughthetinyopeninginthesideofthe

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tomb.Icroucheddownandwalkedthroughthenarrowcurvingpassageway.Theguardplacedfourwhitecandlesontherimencirclingthesmallroominthecenterof
thepyramid.Heandmyguidethendeparted,leavingmealonetoreceivemoreofthe"specialpowers."

Thistime,Isatcrossleggedonthefloor,closedmyeyes,andaskedGodtohelpme.Ibegantomeditate,breathingintheairandenergyofthisdankmysterious
vortex.Inmoments,justseconds,ithitme.Itenteredthroughmycrown.

Theforceoftheenergywhippedmebackwards,knockingmeflatontheground.Thehaironmyarmsstoodup,electrified.Frommyheadtomytoes,thismysterious
vortexwhirledthroughmewiththeforceofatornado,chargingmewithitspowers.

Ithadprobablydonethesamethingyesterday,butI'dbeentoocloggedwithmyowndankbeliefsanddarkemotionalresiduestofeelit.Today,Icouldfeelitwhileit
washappening.

Yesterdayhadbeenacriticalstepapreparationfortoday.

Therearehigherplaceswecangotoconnectwithancientenergies,power,andwisdomthathavebeenentombedandhiddenfromsight.Thepurposeofthepowerful
energybeingunleashedistoclearusoutsotheselongforgottenpowerscanmanifestineachofus.

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WhenIfinishedmeditating,Itippedtheguard,rodethecamelbacktothesandlot,paidmyguide,andthankedEssam.ImadetentativeplanstoreturntoEssamand
thepyramidsinafewdays.Iwasreadytogettowork.

WhenIarrivedatmynewhome,thesmallhotelnearGiza,theownercheckedmeinandgavemeakeytomyroom.Itooktheslow,creakingelevatortotheninth
floor,wenttotheroomnumberIhadbeenassigned,andopenedthedoor.

Ilookedaround,myeyeswideningindisbelief.Thisroomwasdark,anditwasthesizeofalargeclosetnothingliketheapartmentIhadbeenshownbefore.I
walkedtotheonesmallwindow,openedthegrimycurtains,andlookedoutside.Theroomwasnotonlysmallanddark,itdirectlyoverlookedaconstructionsite.

Thistriggeredamemory,anunpleasantonethathadbegunthesummerbeforethistrip.

Iwasrentingasmallcottagebythesea.Icouldhearthewavesfromeveryroominmylittlehouse.ThewarmCaliforniasunrarelyhidbehindtheclouds.I
couldwrite,walkonthebeach,goforaswimintheoceanaftermymorningcoffee.Icouldliveandwritemybookswithnatureatmyside.Itwasn't
necessarilyadreamhome,butitwasheaventomeuntilthepoundingbegan.

Itstartedwithasimple"ForSale"signthatwentuponthehousenextdoor.Soonnewownerspurchasedthepropertya

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sprawlingmansionthatdwarfedmylittlecottage.Thenewownersguttedtheirhugehouseandbeganmajorreconstruction.InCalifornia,thereisoften
littlespacebetweenthehomes.Theirhomewasonlyafewfeetfrommyoffice,mybedroom,andmylivingroom.Everymorning,thenoisefromthe
hammering,theradios,andtheloudvoicesofthelaborerswokemebeforemyalarm,whichwassetfor7:00A.M.Mostdays,thenoisesoundedasifit
camefrommylivingroom.

Thepoundingcontinueddayafterdayafterdaysixandsometimessevendaysaweek.

Itwouldgoonforalmostayear.

ThenoiseseemedtointensifyeachtimeIwentinmyofficetowork.Eventhehealingforcesofnaturethesun,freshair,andfrothysurfweren'tenough
todiminishthecolossallyannoyingforcesoftheworkers'hammeringblows.

Iexploredmoving.Ilookedatoverfiftyotherdwellings.Nodooropenedformethere.Iwasstucklivingnexttoaconstructionsite.Itriedtolivewiththe
situationasbestIcould,acknowledgingmyneighbors'righttorenovateandmyrighttobeannoyed.Butthecombinationoftheirnoiseandmyfrustration
blockedmefromworkingorlivinginpeace.

NowinGiza,asIlookedoutfromthistiny,darkroomandsawthesprawlingconstructionsiteloadedwithjackhammers,meshfencing,andloudtalkingworkers,I
justshookmyhead.Thisisn'tgoingtowork,Ithought.It'snotgoingtoworkatall.

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Ireturnedtothelobbyandcomplainedtothemanager.

''Thisisnottheroomyoushowedmeoriginally,"Isaid."IwantalargeroomliketheoneIsawbefore.Iwantwindows,solightcangetin.AndIdon'twanttolive
andsleepnexttoaconstructionsite.I'mplanningonworkinghere.Itoldyouthatbefore.Ineedpeaceandquiet."

Themanager,anolder,polishedArabiangentlemandressedinasuit,suddenlydevelopedaproblemspeakingEnglish.Heactedasifhedidn'tunderstand,stumbled
overwords,balkedabit,thenfinallyagreedtogivemeabetterroomtheonlyotherroomhesaidwasavailable.Naturally,hewouldhavetoraisetheprice.Isaid
thatwasfinebutaskedtoseetheroomfirst.Heshowedmetheroom.Itwasthesameonehehadoriginallyshownme.

Igrilledhimthen.

"Willitbequiethere?"Iasked.

"Yes,"hesaid.

"Doyoupromise?"Iasked.

"Yes,"hesaid,assuringmetheroomwouldbeeverythingIwanted.Itransferredmyluggageand,forthefirsttimesinceleavingtheUnitedStates,unpacked.Ihung
myclothesinthecloset.Iputmysmallergarmentsinthedrawers.Iunpackedmybathproducts,myhairproducts,andmymementos.Ispenttheentireevening
settingupmyroom.IwashalfwayaroundtheworldfromwhereIlived,

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butIwantedtomakemyselffeelcomfortable.

Thefollowingday,Ifinallyunpackedmycomputer,too.IhookeduptheelectricaladapterIhadbroughttoaccommodatetheforeignvoltage.ThenIturnedonthe
computer,openedafreshnewfile,andtypedoneortwowords,tryingtogetmylead.That'swhenitbegan.

Itstartedwithoneloudpound.Secondslater,anotherloudpoundfollowed.Then,another.

Soonthepoundsturnedintocontinuous,irregularlypacedslamsthatshookthewalls,thefloor,andthelegsofthelittletablewhereIsat,staringintomyfreshnewfile.

Ididn'tknowwhowasmakingthisnoisebutmyirritationincreasedwitheachwallshakingslam.Itoldmyselftoignorethepounding.Thenmystomachstartedto
hurt.Itached.Iforcedmyselftofocusontheblankcomputerscreenandtriedtothinkupwordstowrite.TheharderItriedtofocus,theharderthepoundingshook
thewallsandmyconcentration,andthemoremystomachhurt.

What'swrongwithmethatIcan'thandlealittlepounding?Ithought.Justbuckup,doyourwork,andignorethenoise.

Icouldn'tignoreit.

Finally,Ipushedmychairawayfromthetableandwalkedtotheoutsidecorridor.Ilookedaround,tryingtolocatethesourceofthenoiseandmyaggravation.I
didn'thavetogofar.Thedoortotheroomnexttominewaswide

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open.Adark,railthinmansatcrossleggedonthefloor,afewinchesfromthewall.Inhishand,heheldalargemalletthebiggesthammerIhadeverseen.Every
fewseconds,heraisedthemalletoverhisheadandtookawhackatthewall.Eachblowcrackedoffatinypieceofthethick,concretelikeplasterthatcomprised
theseoldEgyptianwalls.

Themanwasn'twieldingthehammerfast,buthewassmackinghard.Itlookedasifhewasyettofindhisrhythm.Theentireholehehadmadeinthewallmeasured
lessthanasquarefoot.

"Excuseme,"Isaid.

Helookedmyway.

"Howlongisthispoundinggoingtocontinue?"Iasked.

Helookedaroundtheroomandgestured."Untilallthewallsaredown,"hesaid.

Itookadeepbreath,thankedhim,andreturnedtomyroom.

Itriedgoingbacktomywritingandignoringthenoise.Thatdidn'twork.ThemoreItriedtoignorethepounding,thelouderitsounded.EachtimeIheardthethudof
thehammerhittingthewall,Ibegananticipatingthenextblow.

Ipushedawayfromthedeskanddecidedtomeditate.Ilaydownonthebed,closedmyeyes,relaxedmybody,andallowedmyselftosinkintoadeep,almost
hypnoticstateimagingwhitelightaroundme,tryingtorecreatethe

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powerIhadfeltsurgethroughmeinthepyramid.AsIrelaxedmoreandmore,Ideliberatelyprogrammedathoughtintomymind:whenIcomeoutofthisstate,Iwill
knowwhattodonext.Iwillgodeepwithinmyself.TheanswerIneedwillbethere.

Imeditatedforalmostanhour.

WhenIarose,Ifeltcalmandserene.Thepoundingcontinued,butmyanxietyhaddiminished.Injustafewmoments,theanswercametome,seeminglyfrom
nowhere.Thesolutionsurprisedmebutexpresseditselfwithcrystalclarity.

IknewwhatIhadtodo.

Itwastimetoleave.Itwastimetogohome.

Thistripallpartsofithadbeenenlighteningandtransformational.ButIhadfoundmystory.IhadgottenwhatIneeded.Iwastiredofpretendingmystomach
didn'thurt.ThepoundingwouldcontinueIwasobviouslydoomedtohaveitfollowmearound.AndIwasbeginningtograduallyfadeintothisculture,whichwasn't
thepurposeofthisjourney.FormanyreasonssomethatIunderstoodandsomethatIdidn'tseeitwasclearthatthesamevortexthathadbroughtmeherewas
nowspittingmeout.

Ihadbeenpushedtomylimits.Enoughwasenough.

Astrangefeelingsettledin.Ifeltagitated,almostpanicky.Ididn'tunderstandthisfeeling,butIknewwhatitmeant.Iwasn'tbeinggentlynudgedoutofEgypt.Iwas

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beingpushedoutasforcefullyasIhadbeendrawnhere.Itwasn'tjusttimetoleave.Itwastimetoleavenow.MyMiddleEasternadventurehadended.

IwenttothephoneandcalledWendy,backintheUnitedStates.

''Seeifyoucangetmeoutofhere,"Isaid."Seeifthere'saflightouttonight."

Wendypromisedtocallmebackwithinthehour.Ihungupthephoneandstartedstuffingmyclothesintosuitcases.Shortly,thephonerang.Iexpectedtohear
Wendy'svoice.ItwasEssam.

HeaskedhowIwasandwhenIwascomingtothesandlotagain.

Essamhadbeensohelpfulinsettingupaplaceformetostay.Hehadsomanyeventsplannedfortherestofthistrip.Iknewhewaslookingforwardtomycontinued
visit.Iknewhewouldbedisappointedbythissuddenchangeinplans.Ifeltfoolishafterallhehaddone.Ihopedhewouldn'tfeelasifIhadlethimdownorbetrayed
himbecauseIhadchangedmymind.

Once,whileIwaseatinginarestaurantwithNicholeandWill,thesliceofpineappleNicholewastryingtocuthadslippedoffherfork,flownacrosstheroom,and
landedatsomeotherpatron'sfoot.Nicholehadcoveredhermouthwithherhandandsaid,"Oops."

That'swhatIhadtodonow.

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Essamsoundedsaddenedatthenews,buthewasrespectfulofmydecisiontoleave.ItoldhimIwaswaitingforWendytocallbackwiththeflightinformation.IfI
couldgetouttonightIwouldswingbytheperfumeshopandsaygoodbyebeforeIleft.Ihungupthephoneandreturnedtopacking.WhenIclosedandlockedmy
lastsuitcase,IrealizedWendystillhadn'tcalled.

Bynow,threehourshadpassed.

Ifeltagitatedandconfused.Wendywasreliable,dependable,andalwaysontime.Shedidexactlywhatshesaidshewoulddo.AlthoughshewasbackintheUnited
States,shehadhelpedmenavigatethisentiretrip.

Icalledher.Sheansweredimmediately.

"Wherewereyou?"shesaid."I'vebeentryingtocallyouback.Allthefrontdeskwouldtellmeisthatyouweregonefortheday."

Myagitationturnedtomildparanoia.

Whywouldtheytellherthat?TheyknewIwashere.Ihadcalleddownandtalkedtothepersonatthefrontdeskseveraltimes.Icouldseeitallhappeningbeforemy
eyes.Nicholewouldhavetoflyoverhere,findme,andwrestmebackhome.She'dbedoingaremakeofNotWithoutMyDaughter,ahairraisingtruestoryabout
anAmericanwomanwhorefusedtoleaveanArabcountryuntilshecouldfreeherchild.OnlyNicholewouldbecallingherbookNotWithoutMyMother.

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WendyandIagreedonthephonethatforwhateverreason,somethingdidn'tfeelquiteright.Andyes,itwastimetogo.

ThenWendytoldmethegoodnews.Shecouldgetmeoutonaflighttonight.IwouldhavetoflyfromCairotoTelAviv,andthensitinTelAvivforalmostseven
hours.Fromthere,I'dpickupanAirFranceflightthatwouldflymedirectlytoL.A.

Ididn'tthinktwice.Ifthatwasthedoorthatwasopening,I'dwalkthroughit.

"Bookme,"Isaid."IfIhurry,Icanmakeit."

Ipaidformyroom,checkedoutofthehotel,hailedataxi,andheadedforLotusPalacePerfumes.Itwastimeforonelastlookatthesandlot.Itwastimetotell
Essamgoodbye.

IaskedthecabdrivertowaitwhileIsatonthebenchandtalkedforawhiletoEssam.Thissuddenpartingwashardforbothofus.Wehadbecomeclosefriends.I
thankedhimforallhishelp,hiswarmhospitality,andallthelessonshehadhelpedmetolearn.Wetalkedofthingswemightdointhefuture,ifIwereevertoreturn.
Ofcoursethewomenwantedtoseemeagain,hesaid.Thepyramidswerewaitingwithmorepowers.AndEssamcouldtakemeandanyfriendsorfamilyIbrought
alongcampinginthedesert,ridingcamelsbynightandpitchingandsleepinginArabiantentsduringthehotdesertdays.

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Essamexcusedhimselfforamoment,thenreturnedbearinghandfulsofgifts.Hegavemebottlesfilledwithcoloreddesertsand,ametalcommemorativeplate,a
figurine,andthreestonereplicasofthepyramids.Ipackedthegiftsinmysuitcase.Then,Essamplacedinmyhandthreetinybluestonebeetlesscarabssymbols
ofresurrection,rebirth,andeternallife.

IhuggedhimgoodbyeandsaidIwouldreturnsomeday,addingthewords"Insha'aAllah."

Iclimbedintothecab,andweheadedtowardtheairport.WehadtodrivethroughGizaandmostofCairotogetthere.Itwaslate.Timewasrunningout.The
alreadythick,unrulytrafficwouldbesteadilyincreasinguntilitreacheditschaoticeveningpeak.

"Hurry,"Itoldthedriver,aswewoundourwaythroughthevillageofGiza.

Heturnedaroundtolookatme."Hurry?"hesaid,imitatingmewithanArabicaccent.Obviously,hedidn'tunderstandtheword.

"Yes,hurry.Fast,"Isaid,makingaquick,sweepinggesturewithmyhand.

"Oh."Henoddedinrecognition."Quickly!"

Iturnedaroundforonelastlookatthepyramids.Litforthenightshows,theyglowedmysticallyonthedesertskyline.Isankdownintotheseatandclosedmyeyes,
preparingforthedriveahead.Now,mydriverwasdutifullyhurrying.

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Afleetingthoughtcrossedmymind.Don'trelaxtoomuch.Thistripisn'toveryet.Iignoredit.Ijustwantedtogohome.

IarrivedattheCairoairporthalfanhourbeforetheplanewasscheduledtodepart.Icheckedmyluggagethroughthefirstsecuritycheck,thentriedtogetpastthe
hoardofporterssomeofwhomdidn'teventouchmyluggagewhoheldtheirhandsoutforatip.Oneporterranuptomeandtriedtograbthemoneyhangingout
ofmypocket.

"Stopthat.You'redisgusting,"Iscreamedundermybreath."Youdidn'teventouchmyluggage.Nowgetaway."

IrelaxedwhenIreachedthenextsecuritycheckafewmomentslater.IthoughtIwashomefree.Butitwasn'toveryet.Ayoungwomanwithdarkhairsuddenly
approachedme,thenpulledmeaside.That'swhentheinterrogationbegan.

"IthoughtitwasjustaflukethatIhadbeenheldandinterrogatedinCairo.Whentheyfinallyreleasedme,afterIhadbrokendownandcried,Ididn'tthinkaboutthe
incidentagain.Iwassimplygladitwasoverandhappytobeonmywayhome.Now,afteralmostfourhoursofbeinggrilled,heldunderthespotlight,andhavingmy
notesandcomputerexaminedhere,Iknowit'smorethanafluke,"IsaidtotheinterrogatorinTelAviv.

Something'sgoingonhere,Ithought.Somethingmorethanmeetstheeye.

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Seeingmyfrustrationandanger,thechestnuthairedfemalegrillingmesuddenlyswitchedgears.Forthefirsttime,sheappearedsympatheticandalmosthuman.

"I'msorrythisistakingsolong,"shesaid."Butwehavemanybombthreatsinourcountry."

"Iunderstand,"Isaid.Ihopedthatmeantshewasgoingtostop.

Itdidn't.Sheimmediatelyfiredhernextquestionmyway.

"Doyouhaveanymorenotes?Anythingmoreyoucanshowus?"

WhywasIbeingtorturedthisway?Whatwasgoingon?Ididn'tgetitthefirsttime,andIespeciallydidn'tgetitnow.Iwasstandinghere,drippingsweat,theonly
persondetainedinthisairport.

Idugthroughmyfolder."Here.Thisisit,"Isaid."ThisisallIcanfind.It'sabsolutelyallIwrote."

"Readittome,"shesaid.

Istartedreadingfromthewrinkledpieceofpaper.

"It'snotjustaboutthethingswedoordon'tdo,althoughthosethingsmatter.It'snotaboutalwaysdoingthingstherightway.Andit'scertainlynotaboutdoingthings
thewayotherstellusweshould.It'sabouthowweloveandtreatourselves,howwerespondtoourselves,howwetalktoourselvesaboutthethingswedoourlife
experiences,whoweare,andwherewe'vebeen.It'saboutgiving

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ourselvesthatfeelingofgentle,lovingselfacceptance,theonewe'vewantedforsolong.

''It'sthespiritofathingthatcountsoverall,"Iread."Andthisisabookaboutthespiritofselflove."

Suddenly,standingtherereadingtotheinterrogatorfrommywrinkledpieceofpaper,Igotit.ThelightscameoninTelAviv.Thisinterrogationwasn'tpunishment,nor
wasittortureeventhoughitcertainlyfeltasifitwere.Theworldwasn'tagainstme.Lifewastryingtoshowandteachmesomething.

Iwassupposedtotellthisinterrogatormystory.Thiswasn'tanaccident.Itwasanimportantpartofthebook,thetrip,andmylife.

IhadbeensobusyfeelingtormentedIhadn'tseenit.Ididn'tgetitinCairo,thefirsttimeithappened.Butthatwasallright.Lessonsdon'tgoaway.Theykeep
repeatingthemselvesuntilwedounderstand.

ThesecondIsawthis,theinterrogationceased.

Theyoungwomansmiled.

"Youcangonow,"shesaid."Haveagoodflight."

IreachedtheAirFrancegateminutesbeforetheboardingcall.AsIwalkeddowntheramponthewaytotheplane,Irealizedsomethinghadslippedmymind.Ihad
forgottentoshowmyinterrogatortheinterviewnotesfrommydaytriptotheterroristhillsinAlgiers.

Nosensestirringthatpot,Ithought.Itwasanhonest

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mistake.Besides,I'llmissmyflight.

Oops,again.

IsettledintomyseatontheplushFrenchairliner.ThecountryofFrancehadshownmethebeautyofitsartintheLouvreandahistorycourseintheeternalthemesof
lifeattheMuseumofMan.NowtheFrenchwereshowingmesomethingelse,too.Theyknewhowtoenjoythegoodthingsinlife.IhadevenheardtheFrench
peoplewereswitchingtoafourdayworkweek.Theywerewillingtotakelesspaytohavemoretimetoenjoylife'spleasures.

Thestewardbroughtmeacupofcoffeeandofferedmeapastry.Itwasgolden,light,filledwithcheese.Ididn'thavetoworryaboutthisfood.Itookasipofcoffee,
inhalingitsricharoma,andleanedbackinmyseat.

Iwasonmywayhome.

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chapter12
Graduation
IdisembarkedtheAirFranceairlineratLAX,anticipatingtheworstasIpreparedtopassthroughcustoms.Mylasttwoairportsecurityexperienceshadleftme
shaky.ItsurprisedmewhenIhandedthecustomsofficerawomanmydeclarationform,paidmysixtyfivedollarsinduty,andimmediatelygainedentryintothe
UnitedStateswithoutfuss,ado,oraprolongedinterrogation.

Ayounggentleman,aporter,assistedmewithmyluggage.Irantotheexitgate.Nichole

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hadpromisedtobeheretomeetme.AsIroundedtheramp,Ireachedintomypocket,pulledoutmycottonkerchief,andstuckthewhiteragonmyhead.

WhenIwalkedintothemainpartoftheterminal,Nicholescannedme.Shedidn'trecognizemeatfirst.Thenhereyeswidenedinrecognition,andsheburstinto
laughter.

Wehugged.NowIknewIwashome.

Onedaysoonaftermyreturn,Nicholerangmeuponthephone.Sheinitiatedtheconversationthewaysheusuallydoeswhenshetelephones.

"Whatareyoudoing?"sheasked.

"Tryingtofigureitout,"Isaid.

"Figurewhatout?"sheasked.

"Life,"Isaid.

"Liketherestofusknowandit'sabigsecretwe'renottellingyou.Well,keepworkingonit,"shequipped."Letmeknowwhenyougettheanswer,andI'lltellyouif
you'vegotitright."

Althoughwewerebantering,ourconversationsummarizedmyoverallresponsetothetrip.Ihadfoundmanyuseful,invaluable,andenlighteningpiecesintheMiddle
East.IhadfoundtheKeytoPower.Mysterieshadbeenrevealed.Butdespitemydiscoveries,somethingwasstilloutofsight,outofgrasp,andjustoutofreach.

Ihadn'tyetfoundthemissingpiece.

OneofthefirstthingsIdidwhenIreturnedhomewas

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tolightenmyhair.Myfriendandhairdresser,Angelo,whohaddarkenedmyhairforthetrip,nowbegantoturnmeblonde.Heinsisteditwasanimportantpartofmy
life,mywork,andthisbook.Hesaidmyauricfieldwaslightening,anditwouldhelptohavemyhairlighter,too,forawhile.Ididn'targue.Angelohadanuncanny
abilitytosynchronizemyhairwithmylife.Myhairandclothinghadnowbecomealmostcostumesimportant,butstillcostumes.Forsomereason,itfeltnaturaltogo
lighterandbecomeablonde.

IttookamonthtohealmystomachfromtheeffectsofdrinkingtheMoroccanmilk.Ialsodiscoveredthatwhatdemandedhealingwasn'tjustthecurrenteffectsof
drinkingmilkprocesseddifferentlythanmydigestivetrackcouldassimilate.Theentireexcursionhadspurredandactivatedamuchdeeperhealingprocess.WhetherI
consciouslydesiredtogothroughthisintenseandoftensurprisingagendumwasirrelevant.Thewheelshadbeensetinmotion.Therewasnoturningback.

Thecrescentmoonandstarcontinuedtoappearonsigns,onposters,onjewelry,andoccasionallyintheearlymorningsky.Istilldidn'tunderstandwhatthissign
meant.ButIknewitwasanimportantpictureasacredsymbolthatspokedirectlytomyheartandmind.

Oldtreasuredvaluesresurfacedandreappeared.LovethyGodwithallthyheart,andsoul,andmind.Honorthe

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SabbathwhateverdayyourheartsaystheSabbathis.Donotcovet.Lovethyneighbor.And,borrowingTommyBoy'sfavoriteline,fortheloveofGod
remembertoloveyourself.

IthadbeenonethingtoseetheforcesoftheuniverseatworkwhentravelingthroughthewesternUnitedStates.Ithadbeenanothertoseetheuniversedanceforme
interroristinfestednationshalfwayacrosstheglobe.

ThistriphadrevitalizedmyfaithinGod,intheuniverse,andinmyself.

ItwouldtakemonthsformetointegratewhatIhadlearnedandunderstandtheimportanceofwhatIhadseen.Ihadn'tjustcollectedafewtrinketsofwisdomto
keepinatreasurechestandtakeoutandexamineatmyleisure.IhadbeenundeniablychangedbywhatIhadseenandexperienced,byallthathadtakenplace.

Iwasbeingtransformed.

Ihadbeenthroughaninitiation.Ithadincludedareviewanddemonstrationofkeylessonsofthepast.ButthisobstaclecourseIhadstumbledthroughhadalso
revealedimportantcluesabouthowtheenergyatthisnewlevelwouldwork.

Aswegroundorspedtowarditdependingonthemoodofthedaywehadallembarkeduponanewtime.

Themillenniumhadarrived.

Theword''mystery"grewinimportance.Lessonsandinsightsbegantounfoldwiththesubtleintrigueofa

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RaymondChandlermysterynovelplot.Slowly,Ibegantotrustandsometimesplaywiththisenergy,almostthewayIwouldplayaparlorgame.Tryingtoknowtoo
muchtoosoonorbeforeitwastimecreatedatormentedinnerstruggle.Resistancelednowhereworthgoing.Itonlycausedpain.

"Integrity"becameakeyword,too.Anythingcouldhappenatthisnewlevel,butitwasn'tatimeofanythinggoes.Manipulation,hustles,cuttingcorners,denials,
slidingby,lessthanhonorableintentions,andlittlewhiteliesimmediatelycametolight.Theenergyofthisnewtimewasalive,vibrant,intuitiveborderingonpsychic.It
demandedthetruth.

Hurryingandrushingnolongerworkedaswelloratall.Ananxietyriddenpaceslowedmedown.I'dgetarunningstart,thenrunsmackintoawall.Thenewtiming
thatprevailedwaspersistentandnotnecessarilymyown.IhadtolearntotakethetimeIneeded.

Detailsbecamecriticalatthisheightened,acceleratedbutmicroscopicpace.Whilethemovementsometimesfeltwaytooslow,thisnewenergywhirledthroughme,
bringingchangeandhealingattopspeedifItookmytimeandreveredeachpiece.

AlthoughattimesIgotwearyofmonitoringeverythingIateanddid,Ibegantopayevencloserattentiontowhatwastoxictome.Weneedtobeatourstrongestand

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bestforthepowerfulcreativeforcesthathavebeenunleashedintheworldtowork.

OnemonthafterIreturnedhome,whenmystomachbegantoheal,ItookatriptotheredwoodforestatBigSur.Itwassupposedtobeaquietweekendgetaway.

That'swhenIhadtheunsettlingdreamaboutanalchemist(onewhohasmagicalpowerstotransformdrossintogold)whohadgottenrecklesswithhisax.Inthe
alchemist'seagernesstotransformhislifeexperiencesintogold,hehadmistakenlyhackedawayathimself.Hisalchemyhadgonebad.Now,inthedream,hehidin
bedundersheetsandaquilt.Inhisdesiretoworkhiswizardry,hehadcuthimselfupsobadlytherewasalmostnothingleft.Hefeltsoashamedhewantednooneto
seewhathehaddone.

Thedreamleftmeunnerved.RecentlyIhadboughtanaxsoIcouldchopwoodformyoutdoorstove.Maybethedreamisjustanightmare,broughtonbyeatingtoo
lateintheday,Ithought.Orperhapsthedreamisanadmonitiontobecarefulwithmynewax.

Itriedtodismissthedreamasirrelevant,butthisdreamwouldn'tletmeloose.

Slowlyitbegantounravel.ThehairstooduponmyarmswhenIunderstoodandgotitright.Aftertravelinghalfwayaroundtheworld,Ifinallyfoundthemissingpiece.

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Allalong,ithadbeenme.

InthenameofGod,spiritualgrowth,andtryingtobeniceanddothingsrightIhadgivenaway,asJanisJoplinwailsaboutinhersong,alotofpiecesofmyheart.

Ihadhandedovermyesteemtothosewhohadn'tbeenabletoloveme,eitherbecauseitwasn'ttheirdestinyordesire."Here,takeit,"Ihadsaid."Youmustberight.
There'ssomethingwrongwithme."Ihadneverlearnedtherules,therulesforhowtobeloved.Ihadgivenawaymypowertolove,tobeloved,and,mostofall,to
lovemyself.

Tothosewhohadbetrayedme,Ihadgiventhebestpiecesofmyheartandsoul.Ihadgiventhemmyhope,myabilitytobefulfilled,andmycompassionformyself.I
hadgivenupwhatIknewtobemytruth.Ihadforegonemyrighttobefreefromliesanddeception.InsteadIhadlearnedtobetraymyself.Ihadgivensomuchand
settledforsolittleinreturn.Itwasadeadly,spiritkillinggame.Thesewerethemostpreciouspiecesofmyheart.God,itwastimetogetthemback.

Itwastimetoreallylovemyself

Tothosewhosaidtheyknewbetterandmoreaboutwhatwasrightformylife,Ihadsystematicallyrelinquishedmypower.Ihadgivenupmyabilitytothinkandto
feelandtostumblearoundandfindmyownpath.Ihadgivenawaysomuchofmypowermylighthadalmostgoneout.Ineededtorememberthateachofusis
valuableandhas

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somethingimportanttocontributetotheworld.Andmyanswerswereinme.

Ihadgivenawaymyfreedomtoalotofboxesandtrapsfrommoney,tosicklove,toallthe"havetos,""shoulds,"and"shouldn'ts"floatingaroundinsocietyand
embeddedinmyhead.Ihadclippedmyownwingsandsatlockedinacagefeelingbitter,powerless,andtrapped.Ididn'thavetostaythere.Iknewhowtofly.

Tothedarkforcesofgriefthathadweakenedmyheart,Ihadgivenmyabilitytoexperiencejoy.Ihadbeguntobelievethatlifewasonlyaboutloss.Ithoughtitwas
supposedtohurtandbehard.WhatwerethosewordsIusedtobelieve?"Everythingworksoutforgood.ThereisaPlan.IcanreallyandtrulytrustGod."

Ihadgivenmyvoicetothosewhowouldbenefitbymysilence.SomanywordswerestuckinmythroatIcouldbarelyspeakanymore.Ihadforgottenhowtoscream
inrage,shoutforjoy,say"Getaway"or"Comeclose."Ihadlearnedtoexpertlyacquiesce.Ihadforgottenhowimportantmywordsare.Itwastimetostartspeaking
mypiece.

Ihadlearnedtooverlookwaytoomuch.Ihadlostmystick.Weeachhavesomuchemotionalandspiritualpower.Ineededtorememberwhatwasimportantnot
justtoothers,buttome.Ithelpseveryonewhenwetellpeopletostop.

Tothosepeoplewhohadn'tprotectedme,Ihadgiven

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myrighttofeelsafe.Ihadforgottenhowtotrustlifeandmyself,tofeelsecureandoutofharm'sway.IthoughtIhadtofeelfrightenedandonguard.Itwastimeto
getbackmypeace.Iknewhowtoprotectmyself.

Tothosewhohadn'twantedmeatleastnotthewaywewanttobewantedIhadgivenmyrighttobehere.Maybetheyhadn'tchosenme,butIcouldchoose
myself.Allofuswhoareherenowhavechosentobehereforthistransformationaltime.Wearethechosenones.

Toallmydreamsthathadbeenshatteredandlost,Ihadgivenmyabilitytodreamagain.Ididn'tthinktherewasanywherenewlefttogo.Ididn'tthinktherewas
muchleftthatmeritedhope.Animportantpartofmehaddied.Ihadforgottenhowtowish.Ithoughtdreamswerestupidandjustfortheweak,notforpeoplewho
hadsense.Ididn'tthinktherewereanyprizesleft,atleastnotinthisworld,notforme.Itwastimetogetbackmysenseofwonderandawe.Iwantedtothrow
penniesinthefountainagainandmakeawishuponastar.

NowthatIknewwhatwasmissing,Iwantedallthesepiecesback.

Wedon'thavetosettleforoneiotalessthanwedeserve,andourbirthrightistobewhole,complete,andintact.Whatweneedtoknowisnothowwrongwe'vebeen
buthowwonderfuloursoulsandlivesare.

SoonaftermydiscoveryatBigSur,Nicholetelephoned

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meatthelodge.Shehadnewsshewasexcitedtotellme.Shecouldn'twaituntilIarrivedhome.

''MasterHuangiscomingbacktotown,"shesaid."It'stimeforyoutogetyourTao."

Ihadbeenwaitingforthisforalong,longtime.

Theinitiationwascomplete.Ihadjustpassedthetest.

Thefinalmessageofthetripwasabouttobecomeclear:Ifyoufeellikelifehasbecomeanobstaclecourse,don'tlosefaith.Ifalltheolddoorsappeartobe
closing,anewdoorwillsoonopenwide.Thisonewillbethegatewaytoanewdimensionoflife.

At3:00P.M.onMarch3,1996,IwalkedthroughthefrontdoorsoftheVeniceHolyHouse,inVeniceBeach,California.Thefrontyardwasapeacefullandscape,a
Zengarden.Thehousesmelledintoxicatinglyrichwithallthedeliciousvegetariandishesthathadbeencookedandspreadaboutinpreparationforafeast.

Nicholeaccompaniedme.Throughouttheafternoon,shestayedbymyside.Shehadbeenthroughthisbefore.Shewouldbeanescort,aguide,andgivetestimonyas
tomycharacterwhentheceremonybegan.

At3:30P.M.thatday,myfullnameincludingmymaidennameMelodyLynnVaillancourtBeattiewasenteredintheBookofLife.Iwastoldthisrecordingwasa
formalityithadbeenthereallalong.Aftercarefullywritingdownthespellingofmyname,themantakingthe

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information,MasterHuang'sassistant,toldmetoproceedtothebackroomoftheHolyHouse.

Theceremonywasabouttobegin.

Firstthemen,thenthewomen,werecalledbynametocometothefrontoftheroom.Whenmynamewascalled,Itenuouslytookapositioninthebackrowofthe
womenkneelingbeforethealtar.ThewomanassistingMasterHuang,aChinesewomanwhospokenoEnglish,motionedformetotradeplaceswithsomeoneinthe
front.ShetoldmetositbytheincensepotthesamepositionthatshehaddirectedNicholetofourmonthsearlier.

IstumbledthroughtherepetitiveliturgyimitatingthesoundsandrepeatingtheChinesewordsthebestIcould.MasterHuangthenapproachedeachofus,oneata
time.HeputhishandonmyheadandaskedifIwasreadytotakethisstep.IsaidIwas.HethenpronouncedthatIhadofficiallyreceivedmyTao.

Afterspendingamomentwitheachofusinthegroup,MasterHuangtoldusthatjustasthecandlesonthealtarburnedbrightly,sonowdidthelightwithineachofus.
Ourkarmawasended.Reincarnationwouldcease.Wehadreachedandachievedthestatetheancientscalledenlightenment.

Hetoldustoreturntoourchairs.

Carefully,soastobeunderstoodwithhisChineseaccent,MasterHuanggaveustheThreeTreasures.He

 Page200

explainedthemcarefully,tracingtheTreasurestotheirbiblicalorigins.Thenweeachtookavowofsecrecy.

TheTreasureswerenotourstoreveal.

MasterHuangtoldusitwastimetosmile.Wehadnowreceivedthekeystothekingdomofheaventoparadiseintheafterlifeandinthisworld.

Thisiswhathesaidnext:

"Forthousandsofyearsonthisplanet,enlightenmenthasbeenavailabletoonlyafew.Throughoutthehistoryofman,therehasusuallybeenonlyoneenlightened
beingontheearthatatime.Nowthatthemillenniumishere,enlightenmentwillbegiventothemasses.

"It'sagiftofthetimes.Andasignofthetimes.

"Enlightenmentisnowavailabletoall.

"Oneatatime,acrosstheglobe,thelightswillbeturnedonuntilthebrillianceofthisplanetglows."

WhenIarrivedhomethatday,IknewIhadjusttakenpartinanimportantandsacredevent,butIwasstilluncertainaboutexactlywhathadtranspired.Master
Huang'swordsstuckinmymind."Youdon'thavetoworryoraskquestions.Eachpersonwillbeshownwhattodo."

Iwenttobedearlythatevening.Iwasexhausted,buttiredinagoodway.AsIbegantodriftintosleep,theSantaAnasstartedblowingonceagain.Thewinds
encircledthehouselikeavortex,thesameastheyhadbeforethistripbegan.Theyblewsohardthewindowsshook,thedoors

 Page201

rattled,andthebirdbegantosquawk.

Thenextmorning,firstthing,Icheckedoutside.Thosewindshadtakenmygarbagecanagain.

"That'sit,"Isaid."I'mdone.Thisisthelasttimethiswillevertakeplace."

Itrudgedtothehardwarestoreandboughtanewcanandalong,thinchain.Itiedthechainaroundthetrashcan,securingitwithseveraltightknots,thennaileditto
themailbox."There,"Isaid,poundinginthelastnail."Thatsolvesthatonceandforall."

Ihaveneverunderstoodkarmanotinthewayajournalistneedstoknow.I'mnotcertainifit'scauseandeffect,unfinishedbusiness,oraspiritualconsequenceof
somethingwecan'trememberbuthavenonethelessdone.I'mnotcertainifkarmaisspiritualjustice,theboomerangeffect,orsimplythewaytheuniversebringsitself
intobalance.

Istilldon'tknow,notinthewayajournalistneedstoknow,ifwelivemanylivesorjustone.Iknowthatsomepeoplehaveexperiencedsomuchchangeit'sbeenlike
havingseverallifetimesinone.

Maybewejusthavetokeepcyclingthroughuntilwefindallthosemissingpiecesandfinallytakethemback.

Idon'tknowwhatitmeanstobekarmafree,orifIreallyam.Maybeitmeanswecanletthewindsblowawayallouroldemotionsandbeliefsalltheblocksto
ourpower.

 Page202

There'sahigherroadandalowerroadtoanyplacewewanttogo.Theenergyofthesetimesbringsthefreedomtotakethathigherroute.

NicholepulledupinthedrivejustasIwastestingthestrengthofthenewchainthatwouldsecuremygarbagecan.Itlookedasifitwouldwork.

''Didyoufigureitoutyet?"sheasked,followingmedownthestairs.

"Figurewhatout?"Isaid.

"Life.Thebook.Both,"shesaid.

Nowitwasmyturntosmile."It'sstillamysterytome."

OnWill'sbirthday,heandNicholecametothehouse.SomethingspecialwasgoingonthatweekendIcouldfeelitintheair.NicholeandWillwentforawalkonthe
beach.Itwastheplacetheyfirsthadmet.

Whentheyreturnedtothehouselaterthatnight,Nicholesmiledno,shebeamedandshowedmeherlefthand.Onit,shenowworeasparklingopalengagement
ring.ThechildrenandIhuggedandcriedandtalkedandlaughed.ThenNicholebroughtoutWill'sbirthdaycake.

Heblewoutallthecandlesexceptforoneaspecialcandlethatcouldn'tbeextinguishednomatterhowhardhetriedtoblowouttheflame.

 Page203

"Thatcandleisjustlikeus,"Nicholesaid,lookingaroundtheroom."Nomatterwhatwedotoputitout,theflamekeepsonburningbright."

THEEND

 Page205

CreditsandSources

ComputerandInternetResources

AmericaOnlineWriter'sResources,includingCompton'sEncyclopedia,Grolier'sMultimedia,andtheConciseColumbiaLibrary,providedinstantaccesstofactson
Algeria,terrorism,andtheMiddleEast.

Compton'sInteractiveEncyclopedia,1996,providedvaluabledataandfactsaboutterrorism,Cairo,Egypt,Giza,theGreatPyramids,theSaharaDesert,Islam,
Ramadan,thehistoryofwriting,languageandart,theSevenAncientWondersoftheWorld,Algiers,theMiddleEast,andMorocco.

WorldWideWeb,Elephants,ThomasHelton,1996,"TummyRumble."

 Page206

GovernmentAgencies

ManyUnitedStatesgovernmentpublicationsprovidedvaluablefactsanddataonAlgiers,Egypt,andMorocco.

TheEmbassyoftheDemocraticandPopularRepublicofAlgeriaandtheEgyptianEmbassywereextremelyhelpfulinpreparingforthistrip.

Miscellaneous

BrantParkerandJohnnyHart,creatorsof"TheWizardofId."

JanisJoplin'sGreatestHitsbyColumbiaprovidedthebackgroundmusicforwritingthisbook.

AspecialthankstothereferencedesksattheRidgedaleHennepinAreaLibraryinMinnetonka,Minnesota,andtheSouthdaleHennepinAreaLibraryinEdina,
Minnesota,forsupplyingfactualdata.

VirginiaSlimscommercial/adwasthesourceofthelineusedinthededication.

Movies

Tombstone,HollywoodPictures,writtenbyKevinJarre,filmbyGeorgeP.Cosmatos,providedinspirationforthelineonthe"differencebetweenareckoningand
revenge."

TommyBoy,ParamountPictures,aLorneMichaelsProduction,filmbyPeterSegal,starringChrisFarley,forthetagline"fortheloveofGod."

 Page207

Publications

Algeria:ACountryStudy.EditedbyHelenChapinMetz.LibraryofCongress,FederalResearchDivision,1994.

ArabianNights.AdaptedfromRichardF.Burton'sunexpurgatedtranslationbyJackZipes.NewYork:PenguinBooks,1991.ContainsthetaleofScheherazade.

Bradshaw,JohnE.BradshawontheFamily.DeerfieldBeach,FL:HealthCommunications,1988.

ACourseinMiracles.GlenEllen,CA:TheFoundationforInnerPeace,1975.

Critser,Greg."Oh,HowHappyWeWillBe:Pills,Paradise,andtheProfitsoftheDrugCompanies."Harper'sMagazine,vol.292,no.1753(June1996).

Eadie,BettyJ.,withCurtisTaylor.EmbracedbytheLight.Placerville,CA:GoldLeafPress,1992.

HolyBible,AuthorizedorKingJamesVersion.WorldBiblePublishers,1989.

Jochmans,Joseph."HowOldArethePyramids?"AtlantisRising,no.8,Livingston,MT.

Lamott,Anne.BirdbyBird.GardenCity,NY:Doubleday,AnchorBooks,1995.

Thisbook,amustreadforanywriter,aspiringorpublished,providedmewithprofessionalsupport,wisdom,andtheparticularimpetusformydefinitionofselflove.
ThelinereferredtoisonewhereAnnewritesthatshebelieves"nothingistheoppositeoflove."

NewWorldTranslationoftheHolyScriptures.Brooklyn,NY:WatchtowerBibleandTractSocietyofNewYork,1961,1981,1984.

 Page208

Peck,M.Scott.TheRoadLessTraveledNewYork:Simon&Schuster,Touchstone,1978.

Simon,JeffreyD.TheTerroristTrap:America'sExperiencewithTerrorism.BloomingtonandIndianapolis,IN:IndianaUniversityPress,1994.

SunTzu.TheArtofWar.TranslatedbyThomasCleary.BostonandLondon:Shambhala,1988.

Williamson,Marianne.AReturntoLove:ReflectionsonthePrinciplesofaCourseinMiracles.NewYork:HarperCollins,1992.

Zwingle,Erla."Morocco:NorthAfrica'sTimelessMosaic."NationalGeographic,Oct.1996,vol.190.

And...

Athankyouandacknowledgmentto:

GreggBaxter,forwritingthebeautifulletter.

JenBush,fordiscoveringwithNicholethemarvelouspigsandvampirestheory.

AngeloDiBiase,myfriendandhairdresser,forcostumingme.

MichaelFowler,myAikidosensei,fromtheWarandPeaceDojo,SantaMonica,California,forpatientlyteachingmeAikidoandprovidingahelpfulbrochurefrom
whichIderivedmydefinitionanddescriptionofAikido.

MarjorieCampbellPerfilio,fortellingmethebeautifulstoriesaboutherselfandaboutJohannStrauss,andforherencouragementalongtheway.

Andherson,ChristopherPerfilio,forbringingMarjorieandmetogether.

 Page209

AnnPoe,forhelpingmesolveafewofthisbook'smysteries.

MichaelPowers,LosAngeles,California,fortheauthorphotograph.

CharlieRaun,forthedelightfulstoryofthe''Don'tHelp"hand.

 Page210

HAZELDENINFORMATIONANDEDUCATIONALSERVICESisadivisionoftheHazeldenFoundation,anotforprofitorganization.Since1949,Hazelden
hasbeenaleaderinpromotingthedignityandtreatmentofpeopleafflictedwiththediseaseofchemicaldependency.

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FormoreinformationonHazelden,pleasecall18002577800.OryoumayaccessourWorldWideWebsiteontheInternetathttp://www.hazelden.org.