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Conlessions of
My
0 r"nas< Drama Queen
Per/eci Life
PlAN~T JAN~T
Dyan Sheldon

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 THURSDAY 11 Dl<EM8lR
Digitized by the Internet Archive
in 2011 Talk about self-centered! Me! Me! Me! Me! ME!' That's all
anybody in this house cares.about, I was trying to have
a normal conversation over supper (the way people do in
films, erc.), nOI some Grear Intellectual Discussion (I know
my family's limits. believe me), when I realized thai
no one was listening to me. I slopped dead right in the
middle of explaining about what happened at lunch (which
was v dramatic and emotionally stressful). and no one so
much as glanced my way. Sigmund (my male parent) was
messing around with his electronic organizer. as per usual.
and the Mad Cow (my female parent) was staring at him
with her eyes squinted like she was trying to work out

http://www.archive.org/details/planetjanetOOshel
 whether Or nOI he was.going blow us allyup. Also as per
10
usual. my parents' OTHER child was reading some book
like the rude. antisocial boil thai he is. (Tomato sauce was
dripping down his chin in a particularly revohing way.
You'd think at his age he'd al least be houserrained.)
Anyway. I just sal there watching them for a few seconds.
They were chomping away like lions round a dead zebra,
oblivious 10 anyone but themselves (for a change. righl?!!).
And it suddenly hil me nOI [ust how Spiritually Alone I am.
bUI how easy it would be for me [ust to GIVE UP and
1 become like them: shallow ... superficial ... more boring
than asphalt. I recovered from this DEVASTATING
realizanon and asked them very sweetly if they were aware
of the fact rhar I was trying to have a conversanon. l'd've
gOI more of a personal response if I'd fartcd. SliII slaring at
Sigmund. the Mad Cow asked him did this mean he WaS
going our again tonight and. still staring at his organizer,
Sigmund said he was jusl checking his schedule. and was
that a crime now or sometlung? I could tell that they were
about to start another fight. which is preuy much ihe only
Ihing they do rogerhcr lately. If you ask me. u's just as
well Sigmund's hardly ever home .. or the ft.I would be like
war- lorn Beirut or one of those places. So. for rhe sake of
Peace. I cleared my 11"0'1 and tried again. "Hello? Hello?"
I shouted. "Is anybody there?" Which WaSwhen [ustin
suddenly looked up and made his one joke about Planet
Janet trying to communicate with Earth. That, of course.
caught the parents' auennon. Tbe three of them laughed
like a pack of demented hyenas.
It's TOO MUCH, if you ask me. I'm al a v crucial time
in my life when I should be encouraged 10 express myself
and explore my feelings and experiences. and what do Iget
instead? I get, ooh. Planet Janet's trying to contact Barth,
that's what I gel. So I said thaI I didn't see what was so
bloody funny and the Mad Cow told me to watch my
language, as per usual. Slgmund's contribution, also as pe, J
usual, was to quote the only poem he knows-the one
about seeing yourself as others see you. Too right. I said.
and I removed myself from the kitchen in a meaningful
way. I was REALLY irked.I mean, I listen to them all
the time. 1)0t that aoy of them ever has much to say.
(Yadda yadda yadda the government ... yadda yadda
yadda guess what happened in the supermarket ... yadda
yadda yadda ... yadda yadda yadda ... I mean,
BORING or Whal?)
So that's why I decided it's definitely lime to Stall til' Dark
Phase. Disha (.~t)' v$esl :Friendin 'he 'llllit't!'U(lnd
,'Forn:er) and I have been talking abour it since September.
I REALLY don't want to end up having a trivial life like
 everyone especully everyone rill related 10. I want to
else,
LIVE. not just exist. I mean. life isn't about what's on
telly or who len the roller seat up. is il? It's full of
ANGST (meaning suffering and deep emotions) and
PASSION. I want to be in touch with the REAL stuff.
The DEEP pain and joy. Tbe TRUE Essence and
Substance. I have a ~"millg, e/{niJtirJolIl.and if I don't
gel away from all this mundane crap. it will wither and die
like a flower in a desert.
Anyway, I was I)'ing Oil my bed thinking about all of
4 this when I remembered tlus diary. Sappho (aka my aunt
Hannah) gave it 10 me as a winter solstice present.
(Sappho doesn't give presents for Christmas because it's a
Male. Capitalist, Consumer Bloodbath; she gives winter
solstice presenls instead.) It's called Th, Lives of the Gr,at
Feminists Diary. and it's packed with facts you never wanted
to know about \\'0111en you 've never heard of. For
instance. Fusae Ichikawa founded the Women's Suffrage
League of ),11"" in 1924! I was REALLY glad to learn
that: At last Illy life has meaning: Anyway. I \V3S
the wnuen word. 1 reckon that way I can gel in touch
with my DEEPER SELl'. And a1~0it should help my
chances of finally gelting a story published in the school
magazine.
RMlg Disha afier the kitchen was finally evacuated by the
peasants. She was suitably shocked by their behavior
though not, of course. surprised (she's known me a long
time and knows what my family's like almost as well as
1do). 0 says she reckons the Mad Cow squints like that
when she's really trying 10 focus 011 something, though I
can't inlagine WilY she'd want to focus on Sigmund. I
asked 0 where she gelS this stuff from and she said from
books. D's ready for.the Dark Phase too.
I was gOing to tell you what happened at lunch, but I'm so
emotionally depleted now that lean 't exactly remember
what it was.
going \'0

wait a couple of months and then throw it Out without fRIDAY 11 DECEMBER
the Mad CO\v noticing. which is what I usually do with
presents from Sappho, but now I've changed If)' mind. Last day of school before the ChriS01\iISbreak, so it was
Instead of lrying to converse with people who don't want v Intensely busy. On 101' of everything else, I had to race
.Q listen, J'1I1 going 1(> seek solace and self-cxpresston in to the shop during lunch because' I len all 01)' Christmas
 cards at home (the Mad Cow was nagging uie this
morning. as per usual, so I tOt.lly forgot about them).
I gOt fifteen cards (including one from Ms. Staples. my
English teacher and. consum source of inspiranon to me),
and a present from Siranee, who's going up north for the
holidays.
Went round to Dish.. s .fter scbool to discuss the Dark
Phase. Dish. agrees tI", slncc we both rum seventeen next
year (D's Libra and I'm Scorpio), It's an excnlci.lingl)'
unponam lime for us and If we're ever going 10
6 REALLY LIVE and nOI IuS! go through the motions
like our parents, we'd beuer Slut preparing for It now.
Also we're both very Cn'flli,." (lilt! -{niffir. and it's the
Great Artists and Writers who have .Iways known bow to
suffer. If they're not killing themselves Or hacking 01T
body parts. then they're full of dDDm ~nd glDDm and
muttering about how awful everylhing is (Dish. says she
reckons Shakespeare was .Iw.),s iu a Dark Phase). We
owe it 10 ourselves 10 explore the Dccp End of the Pool
of Life. D and I decided the Dark Phase will begin on the
51rDlic Dr midnighl 011 New Ye.rs Eve. Wcre going 10 be
intense, serious, Intoll<clII.II)' and splrilu"lly curious and
adventurous, and spend it 101 of IiU1C nurturing Our
lout r. To do this we're going 10 read poetry and greal
literature. rt'ally gCt into art and serious films. and wear
mainly black clothes and makeup so everyone will know
bow deeply we experience tliings, etc. I'm v glad I
changed my mind about chucking this diary. The Dark
Phase and all its revelations. undersundings. and
epiphanies MUST be recordedn:
The Mad Cow and Sigmund were arguing again at supper,
(If things go 00 like this much longer, I'm going to
demand combat pay.) The MC was all wound up because
when Sigmund said he'd take her Christmas shopping
tOnight she didn't think he was going 10 bring along half
of the single parenls group he runs as well (this, of course, 1
was a GROSSexaggerauon 00 the MC's pan: it was only
Mrs. Kennedy). Anyway. when they broke for air, I look
the opportunity to make my announcement re the Dirk
Phase. It really is the season of miracles. because for once
(10 my utter amazement) Ihey were all llsrenlng. Sigmund
said. "Does this mean you're leaving Earth's orbit for
good?" The Mad Cow said I could forget gelling any
money from HER for a new wardrobe (.5 Ifl), and Justin,
keeping to his policy of being as difficult and bloody-
minded as possible, said that it wasn't the Grear ArtlSISand
Writers who understood sulTering: II was the poor sods
nobody'd ever heard of. CAN YOU BELIEVEIT? My brother
the philistine Neanderthal. Justin said Ih.1 If I wanted 10
gel in touch with the deepest levels of humat r angst I
 should try living on the streets! I didn't even Slay for
, ,y
pudding afier that. I went Slnight 10 my room. Obviously
1'111 starting the Dark Phase not a moment 100 soon!!!
~ATURDAY B DEHMBER
Dish. and I did some Iast-minure Chrisnuas shopping
8
today. (Except for D, I'm giving everyone euhcr v cool
candles or v cool picture frames Ih.1 I gO! in the market.)
We ran into David and Marcus. David wanted us 10 help
him find someihing for Ius sister. This proved a hule
difficult. She doesn't read, she doesn't have allY hobbies,
she never writes letters. she has no interest in plants. and
EVERYBODYalways gels her bath oils, CIt. (I ask
you-what choice do they have'!!) On the basis Ihal, if
nothing else, David's sister must eat, Disha suggested food,
but that was also out since. David's sister's always On a diet.
I finally cracked it and he gO! her a gift voucher at the
video shop. (David thinks I may be a genius, bUI modesty
Blade me point out thai I ant related to a psychorherapist.)
To celebrate. we an went for lunch at this v cool japanese
noodle place. I was going 10 gel another lillie present for
the Mad Cow because Disha remembered Ihat I gave her 3
candle for her birthday, bUI I spent more than I'd meant
to on lunch. So we went for coffee instead. (Marcus and
David, being male, don't really like shopping anyway, They
find it V stressful and largely boring- D and I discussed it
later and we agree that it's something to think about,
[ mean, they can play the same com purer games for
HOURS ON END, which we find EXCRUCIATINGLY,
TEDIOUS, yel when il comes 10 some!hing thai's actually
quite intellectually demanding and stimulating they either
gel pissed off or fall asleep. Dlsha reckons it must be
genetic.)
The Mad Cow dragged the Christmas tree in from the
,
garden this afternoon, complaining the whole time like it
\ViIS as big as the one at Buckingham Palace or something.
(Defying all natural Jaws, it's exactly the same size it was
last year, which isn't exactly enormous.) Sigmund's meant
10 do the lights, bill he wasn't home so [ gOI stuck with
the job. Of course, the MC nagged me to check them
before [ put them on, None of them worked, bur [ put
them on anyway, I don't have HOURS to Waste lesting
every bloody bulb. Alice Bestler's having a bunch of us
over 10 watch Chrisrmas videos tomgh ..
 lAJlR
Had a v good lime at Alice's (her parents were smashed,
so we helped ourselves 10 the eggnog). bUI came home 10
find the MC still up, Redecorating the Christmas tree, She
was even grumpier than usual because she'd had 10 rush
out 10 Woolwonh's 10 gel another SCIof Iighls. I told her
the lighls were working fine when I rested them. and she
believed me. She's really not that bright.
10
SUNDAY 14 DHIMBIR - (HRISTMAS IVI
When I was lillie, Chrisunas Eve was (b~t(lgir(ll,I'd wake
up practically lingling with excitement. (One lime I even
threw up .11over the kitchen table, I was so jazzedt) I'd
lie awake for hours, listening for sleigh bells and singing
angels and Sluff like that. Oh. youth: How brief tr is, and
how deluded! (I know I'm only sixteen, bUI I already gel
a biuersweet feeling when I think about my childhood.)
Now Christmas Eve is about as exciting as Groundhog Dol)'
(but with presents}. The same people. The same food, The
same argulllcnts. To show you what I mean, Nail arrived
this afternoon just in (hue for lunch (as per usual). The
(irsl Ihing Nan sa),s ,w'y )'(0' is, "Doesn't the tree look
beautiful?" And then she starts complaining about the ride
Over or her arthritis. etc. I said hello to Nan. and then I
said I had (0 deliver my Xmas presents 10 Illy friends and
gOIOUIof there FAST before Nan started banging on
about God. When I gOI back, Ill)' male David WaS wairing
for me. The Me was force- feeding him her home-baked
biscuns (which are more like pressed sand than what you
buy) and Nan was going on about Wby We Celebrate
Chnsunas as though he'd never heard the story before.
David was trying 10 smile and act interested and hungry
and all, bUI I could tell thar he was V GLAD (0 see me.
"
There was definuely sweat on lus forehead. whicb was
excrucuungly attractive in a v virile way. I SOrt of go in
and OUI of fancying David. bUI rigbl then I was absolutely
more in than OUI. In fact, I really wished it were snowing.
because then we could have gone for a walk in a winter
wonderland and had a snowball fight. which I know
from films is a t :R<1I11(1nlic Ihing 10 do. (And also v
Chnsunassv. of course.) BUIsince it wasn't even raining
we went to Illy room.
David and I had a v imcresung conversation about the
hypocrisy of adults. Do what I say. bUI not what I do.
Yadda yadda yadda, God and Peace on Earth and Goodwill
10 Men, but it's really all about selling as much crap as
possible, and then rhe prime minister even tells everybody
 no' '0 give '''y,lling '0 SIre.' beggars, WIl.,', that
supposed '0 mean? I'm nOl on the God Squad Or anything,
but even I know that jesus was v huo helping beggars and
people like that. I said maybe Nan should go round and
read the PM the New Tes... nenr, because he seems to have
missed a couple of crucial chapters. David agreed, David's
preuy intelligent, He says his f.mily behave even worse at
Christmas than they do the rcst of the ye.r too. And they
never give him wh.t he wants, Isaid Iwas thlllking of
p.inting my room, and David said he'd help. (Even if I
fancied doing the whole thing .11 by myself, I would've
II accepted-think how swe.ty he'll get p'IOting!!!) Then we
exchanged our presents, I bet he go, me somerhmg from
the Body Shop. Eve" though he wrapped 11 himself ,0
throw me, ),011 can tell from the shape. And. anyway, boys
aren't exactly im.gin'live shoppers, arc ,hey? David
guessed [ gave him. photo frame, He said he hoped there
was a picture of me in it. Wh., brtlllant Idea! [ wish I'd
thought of it beforcI wrapped .11 111)' presents,
(HRISTMAS DAY
It was justus today. Sigmund, the Mad Cow, lhelr olher-
less successful-progeny, and Nan. Which was even more
dire than it sounds. Tbe only bright spot was lh., Nan and
me MC ""'cd thetr candles (I guess sbe forgOt what 1 g.ve
ber for her birthday-tha,'s gntitude for you!), though
this was more than made up for by the f.ct ,h., Sigmund
and Justin acted like I'd given them someming secondhand, B
8y lunchtime Nan was well into God mode and me parents
were well imo me Xmas booze.
There was a major row, Even worse than I.s, year,
Sigmund's under orders no, ,0 argue with Non at
Christmas because it's her favorite day next to Easter, but
how long he holds to that depends on how much he's had
to drink. Today he lasted till it was time to say grace, (Nan
onvo)'shas to say grace, even when i, isn't Xmas, Even ..
breakfast. for God's saket) For the first ume since I've
known him. Sigmund volunteered for the job, The Mad
Cow gave him one of her Dead, by Laser Looks, but Nan
was delighted. (You'd think she'd know beuer: he's been
ber son for more than half a cemuryt) Sigmund closed his
 eyes and bowed his head. all solemnlike. and then he
... ned Ih.nldng God for the millions of people In Ihe
world who sufTcr hunger. poverty. oppression. 10TlUrc.
mjustlce, ere, "We're all very gralefullhal il isn't us." said
Sigmund. "Very. "cry graleful." Iusnn (who hu less of.
sense of humor than he has brains if you ask me) .houghl
it was hllarlous, but neither Nan nor the Mad Cow SO
much as cracked a smile. Nan said tbere was a 10. of evil
in the world. and iI had norhtng 10 do with God. and
Sigmund said how did you get '0 be the Supreme Creator
and nOI have anything to do with e\'iI1 Nan said nHII had
14 a wrah Jild wichrd side. and Sigmund warned 10 know whose
fault that was. Sigmund said that if God hod created man.
then He'd made a preuy big mess of ir. hadn'r He1 BUI
Nan's nOI one of those meek Christians. She started
snapping and bristling and reminding Sigmund how long
she WiLS in labor with him [two weeks. apparendy}.
Sigmund ,ook hls plare and a boule of wine into his office
(or the Bunker, >.S lite Me's staned calling i., becauw he
spends so much lime there lately). He stayed there for the
rest of the afiernoon, which dldn't exactly kill the party, AI
least we gOI to finish eating in ;PelIC,.. Sappho C.l111C round
.1fier we'd CatCH because she's a vegan as well as J pagan
and she won 'c sh in the same room as a lurkey 1I111\:h~H'S
alive and extremely well.
Here's what I go. for Chrisunas:
(I) A MOBE! This is lite best present I eyer go. in my
ENTIRE life! EspecioUysince II CAInefrom Sigmund,
Lu. year be gave me 0 gift voucher for Marts & Spencer
(how tacky is tha.1 He said I could use it '0 BUY
UNDERWEAR- as iP.!!) and this book called FRUd(or
Bqjilln<tt, which I dumped in the book bank, Sappho said
giving a t eenager a mobile phone was the equivalent of
giving her a spear or a bow and arrow in more primitive
cultures, Everyone laughed like she was making a joke,
bUI I think she has, point. MUSIdiscuss wuh D.
(2) Besides the mobe, I gOI a phone card for fifty quid's 15
worth of calls! That should las. me EONS.
(3) A well wicked pair of knee-high black leather boots
with the mos. incredible heels th tbe Mad Cow only gOI
me because she said she wouldn '. have any peace if she
didn't. (I really had 10 (Urn the screws for this, believe me,
I even bad '0 GO with her .0 gel litem, because I knew
she'd never buy litem for me if I wasn't there '0 goad her
On. I had enough trouble just gelling her Into the shopt)
(4) A Tvshin tha says JESUS LOVES YOUfrom Nan (all four
of us got the same thing), n's a slighl improvement on last
year when we all gOI pocket Bibles, bill mine was in
Korean.
(5) A book on )'oga from [ustin. I'm not exactly paralyzed
 with joy by thls one. Either Sigmund put him up to u, or
justin lhinks it's funny lO torture and lomle~t me ltke this,
Wh" I re~Iy wanted was money for a class. Ms. Staples
goes to one at the yoga center, which she says is v cool,
I even bought thIS v wicked neon-purple leotard and
matclling leggings in case there were an)' deeply spiritual
but eXCTlldatlngly attractive blokes about, but Sigmund
refused to pay for the course, He said my piano,
swimming, computer, and pottery lessons cost him
THO'VSANDS, and all he has ro show for II is a piano
nobody ever plays, an antique computer no one USCS,and a
16 bowl with a round bottom that he keeps his paper clips in.
(6) Two lots of bath stufT from the Body Shop. (One from
Marcus and one from David. They must have asked Dish.
what "Om. I like because they"re both Raspberry Ripple.
This could be problem, because Raspberry Ripple doesn't
exactly fit with the Dark Phase. White Musk would be
beuer.]
What I didn't gCt was an elecmc razor. God knows I
dropped enough hints. And I pracucally BLEED TO
DEATH every time I shave my legs. B\I! I suppose I
should've known I had as much chance of getting an electric
razor as I had of gettillg a car. Even tbough Sigmulld throws
a MEGA wobbly every time I borrow his r.170r, ,m" Is
ALWAYS championing women and blathering on about
what a feminist he Is because sometimes he .washes the
dishes and stuff llke that, he isn't v interested in female
things. (1 once asked him to get me some pads while h. was
in the chemist's and be practicaUy went into cardiac arresu)
And I get no symp~lhy for lhat son of thing from the Me
elther. Not only is she related to Sappho (who has hair
under her ARMS!!!). bUIshe's SOfar beyond being a
sexual object that she's prcny much into the chimp look
herself
Oh, yes. and I also gOI (7) thts excruciatingly cool top 11
from Disha (It's black with the outline of a bat in purple
gliner-V DARK!).
TU(SDAT 16 DHIMIIR - lOlli' DAT
Disha had to go to her aunt's for dinner and her father
made her leave her mobe at home. (0 says getting a
mob. isn't exactly the modern equivalent of getting your
own spear because nobody was going 10 lake your spear
away from YOll because you used it '00 much, were
they?) Anyway, since I'm stuck all alone in the ltDusr Df
 HOlTor I reckon this Is a good time to 1M you in the
picrure re ME!
VITAL INFORMATION ABOUT ME:
Name: Janel Foley Bandry.
Age: Sixteen years and almost I\VO months.
What I'm Like: I'm outgoing. but I can be quiet and
v thoughtful-e-I don', consider mysclf superficial at all.
I like to think about life and all the BIG quesuons 101.
Everybody uys I 1I1"ea wicked sense of humor. (1 believe
laughter is v important. I mean, what do you hav if )'ou
18 don't have lallght.r? You have iears.) I'm Interested on
EVERYTHING . xceptthings th.t are BORING.
I'm preuy sur. I'm heterosexual. even though there's
lesbianism in the f.mily and Sigmund's cousin Br)'an IS
married to a bloke named Ethan. But I'm not [us; a thinker.
I'm an action person tOOand I .111 pl.nlling life that IS
full of AOIII(IIIrt' and ,(rI",/IIlIn.
Parents: Jocelyn Bandry. k.l Ihe M.ld Cow. forty-five if
she's a day. teacher (ns lust like they S,I)': those who C.IIt
do anything. leach); and Robert II.ndry .. ,kJ Sigmulld.
fifiy-fivc. some sort of' psychorhcraplsr.
Siblings: lusun B.ndry. eighleen. dwecble and g('lIer,,1
cosmic fungus,
Pavorite Colors: They used 10 he red .IOCIhlne when I
Was younger, bill now that I'm more mature and about to
embark upon my Dark Phase tiley' re bLutt Af1!l ,.,.,tt.
Favorite Foods:
(I) Hamburgers with lots of S!\lfT on them.
(2) Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.
(3) Chips (esp. with gravy).
(4) Fried chicken.
(5) Smoked salmon with cream cheese. I've only had
this once. at Disha's, because it's tOOexcruciatingly
sophisticated for my funily (who think ~ shred of paper
towel is 0 serviette). but I really loved il (proving yet again
that 1 was meant for greater things!).
Favorile SUbjects in School: English and art.
Fuorile Things in Ihe UDivene:
(I) Jlty/lJesf :Fri~nd,Dish. Paski,
(2) Books.
(3) Films.
(4) Music.
(5) Hanging OUi with my mates.
(6) Exploring other dimensions and stuff like th.t.
(7) LIFE!!!
(8) Cats. It's no mystery why tile Egyptians worshiped
them. is it? They're 1I0t soppy and weak like dogs, but
strong and v independent. qualities I definitely admire.
(Other things ( really like are rainy nighlS, the moon, plain
 Bounty bar s, tortilla chips. triple chocolate mousse. really
big jumpers. silk. cold sheets. watching tclIYIn the dark.
pigs. eic.)
Most H>I~dThingsin th~Univus~:
(I) PE and the Anti-Barbie (Mrs. "Don't Get Your Knickers
in a Twist" Wist, Illy PE reacher).
(2) Science.
(3) Maths.
(4) Anylhing boring.
(5) Catriona Hendley.
(6) Cruehy Mid injustice.
lO Life Ambition: I'm nOI sure yet. I reckon I Coli' work th..
out once I'm 01 universily-if I go. I may go 10 arl school
Instead, even though Justin goes to art school, which is
hardly a recommendation. (Personally I think calling what
Justin does .,1 is pushing u, I mean. anybodj' can t>ke
photo. We've gOI ALBUMS full of the bloody Ihings. 10
prove my point. People don't queue for hours to see the
Mono Llso because d. Vinci had good earnera. do Ihey1)
BUIl, of course. do nOI merely take phOIOS;I'm palmer,
so art's sull v definite possibiluy. On the other hand.
lucrarure is also a possibilhy. (I lean more towards
Hrerature because there are quite a few Great women
wmcrs but .111the Great Artists are 111cn. I don't sec I1HICh
point ill enrcnng a field with such limited poicnual.) 011
the other hand. maybe I'll travel and find myself in India
or Australia Or someplace like that instead. which is
something both artists and writers oflen do.
Some Things That I!.ea.llyAnnoy Me:
(I) My family.
(2) Women with pusbchatrs (you can't move withour
tripping over one).
(3) Pop music.
(4) People who pick Ihelr noses on the bus. etc,
(5) People who talk to themselves out loud in public.
(6) People who never ltsten 10 what other people Me saying
(esp. if the people not being listened to are in their teens). 11
(7) Carriona Hendley.
That's not absolutely eve')'1bing. and I do change my mind
(which is. of course. a sign of personal growth as well as a
Crratice~\''afJUr).but it gives you a rougb idea.
WlDIISDAI 11 DHlMBlR
Two whole days of family fesuvtues Is about all I can bear
without applying for citizenship in another country. so
since Disha was dragged 10 Kent to sec some old gene
 .,
sharer, I sought refuge at Sara Dancers. Sara Dancer lives
with her dad because she had this GINORMOUS fight
with her mother in the summer, and her mother said dllt
if she hated II so much Ihing with her she should go and
live wilh her fathu. Sara sal's her fathers nOl eucdy
COOL (he's an accountant] but it'S a lot less stressful
living with him than with her mother because he doesn't
give a toss if there are dishes in the sink, etc. Sara says the
difference between living with a male parent and a female
parent Is like the difference between buying your groceries
in a superstore and in the corner shop. Sara Dancer says
n she thinks she may DO IT soon. She says she can't stop
thinking about sex. so \\Ih)' not? I said because she never
has "lore than two dales with the sante boy. and she
agrees tim this is her MAJOR stumbling block. And also
she reckons tllat though it would be easy to do it with
the Johnny Depp of Slapy HDII.. v, and maybe with Russell
Crowe, she's not So sure about .tnyone she .Jctuillly knows.
Which is probably just as well since Sara's mother would
kill her if Sara did it and she found out,
Talked to 0 on my mobe after she gOt horne from her
mission of mercy, which was (surprise, surprise) incredibly
boring. (0 says she doesn't know how ANYONE could
live anywhere but London but i poinred out th... true
(;rr.",;,,(, J,Jiril,r can draw inspiration [rom anywhere. Look
at van Gogh-be was always doing flcwers.] Wound up
baving a v intense conversation, D says it's no wonder that
Sara can't stop thinlting about SEX since it's always being
pushed in your face. Songs about sa, ads using sex, films
about sex. It just goes on and on , .. Disha says she
reckons if everybody had good sa (or even bad sex) on a
regular basis they wouldn't need to talk about it all the
time. I asked D ifshe thinks It's man's nature to deceive
himself, and sbe says Shakespeare's always banging on
about that, 0 says I'm definitely going to be a natural at
the Dark Phase,
n
I think I must have what Sigmund calls" a low libido"
(apparently another thlng I can thank the Mad Cow for),
because I'm not sex mad at all. What I think about a lot
more than sa is :Falling in .lort'. I want it to be like
Romeo and Juliet Or Jane Eyre and Mr, Rochester, I want
to be swept away by ;Pa...,ion, a hopeless fool for .lort':!
(Not like Sappho's friend Samantha, who seems to get
swept away every time some bloke buys her dinner.) Dish.
agrees with me about love and passion, of course, but she
says she's afraid we may have a long wait before we find
men who inspire those fee.lings. She says look at the boys
at school-most of them couldn't inspire a drop of water
from a rain cloud. ( said not even David or Marcus? Dlsha
says she likes them both ..s people, and she does see that
 each in his way is more attractive 'han most of 'hem. but
, S,opped at the bookshop 011 the way home. I reckoned
she once saw Marcus run a piece of dental Aoss from one
nostril to 'he other. which prell)' much deleted passion
from 'h;1t menu. And she's no' TOTALLY sure about
David, but .. leas, he doesn't wear trainers. which IS so lfi:s
passe. (I mean, really. 'he parents both own a pair!)
THURSDAY 18 DHlMBlR
14 Weill '0 get the paint for my room today, Dish. couldn't
come because her mother was pissed ofT about something
and made her SlaY in '0 help her with 'he housework.
(At leas, ,hat's one ,hing the Me wouldn't even coosld,,!
She learned her lesson 'he ume she made me do 'he
vacuuming and 'he Hoover caught fire.) There was uus
V OBNOXI01.lS man on 'he bus who 'old me ofT
because Iwas talking to Disha on my mobe. I couldn't
believe it! He said I should ge, a life instead of spendtug
my parents' hard-earned money telling my friends I W,\5 on
a bus. I told him I already had a LIFE. and it Included
being part of the age of communication. ,\11(1thai he was
the one who should get a life instead of bUlling in 011
someouc's private conversation. People arc TOO MUCI ..o(!
Reali)" It's no wonder the sensuive sufTer.
this would be a good lime '0 read one of the. books Ms.
Staples is always tilling about, Deep, meaningful. angst-filled
modern classics are her spedalilY. I gO! Tilt Ouuida hy Albert
Camus because Ms. Staples says he was into the absunliry
of life, and because Idefinitely identify with the title
(the dPirilual(rancl(;f't'(/li~IyC{/i{'(lare always on the
outside, aren't 'hey?). And also because it was about three
thousand pages shorter than UI)'SltS(another of Ms. Staples's
favorites).
15
fRIDAY l' DHlMBfR
I'm absolutely exhausted! Marcus and David came round to
help me and Disha paint my room ,od.y. I could only find
two rollers, so Disha and Idid the woodwork with
brushes. lt looks well wicked! We did the walls purple and
the woodwork black. It's v sophisticated. but powerful and
moody a, the same time. You can imagine someone situng
in it, writing poetry and listening to jazz. (Which. of
course, is what I plan to dol)
My family has the aesthetics of wtldcbeesrs-e-which
probably isn't v fair '0 wlldebeesu. Not one of them
 appreciates
. . ..
the new decor of my room. The Mad Cow said
it reminded her of a whorehouse. ( asked her if she was
saying Ihis from previous experience. or if she was jllSI
basing it on her wide knowledge of whorehouses in
general. and she told me ( wasn't half as funny as (
Ihoughl ( was (how original is thal?!!). Nan said that she
would never have been allowed 10 gel away with painung
her room like lhal When She Was a Girl. I said I was
surprised she could remember Ihal far back.
Started TheOurslder. The narrator's mot her dies on page one.
26 which seems promising. ( fell asleep though before I could
gel any fun her. Thank God I didn't gel Vir""'. or I'd be
reading il for the rest of my life!!!
MONDAY I JANUARY
A NEW YEAR BEGINS!
WE EMBRACE LIFE ANEW!
D and J were invited to a Bruce Lee Festival at Marcus's
for New Year's Eve but we dedi ned. hen though I find
boys can be prcuy interesting 011 their ()\\'11, when
a few of them togeLher (heir maruriry level collapses in
a v alarming way. They think a car chase is tmellecruallj,
challenging. Disha agrees. She says il sometimes strikes her
as Absolutely Amazing that all of the Great Thinkers are
men. II doesn't really seem possible.
So since Disha's parents wem OUIlasi night, 0 and I spent
a quiet New Year's Eve .1 hers. In~anlicipalion of thls
momentous upcoming year. we both WOre black jeans and
tops, and black llpstlck .and eye shadow. The effect was
excrucialingly Oil. There was a boule of while \\10e in the
fridge, and Disha said we could lake il because her parents
had bad so much 10 drink over the Ias: week they wouldn't
notice. I'd nicked a couple of fags from Sigmund's LAST
pack (this lime he says he really is giving up for good). We
don't smoke, of COurse(never mind the heart disease. ere.
have you SEEN what nicotine does 10 your TEETH?),
bUI we reckoned it was a special occasion so we should
Iry it the once. (And also MASSES of Great Arusts and
wruers have been addicted 10 tobacco as well as alcohol.
so we reckoned il was fill.ing.for the beginning of the Dark
Phase.) Disha managed a whole one. bUI I was-coughing
100 much 10 exactly enjoy it. and it made me feel sick
10 my stomach. But the wine was greal. (If I have 10 b.
addicred 10 something because of my 6'~/{;'ie<Jj)iri{,I
)'OU get would definitely prefer while wine 10 something that could
give you cancer and ruin your smile. Plus Sappho says
 white wine's NOT FATTENING. and every.hing else
~
I like is!!!We lu a bunch of candles and some incense,
found a jazz program on the radio. and sat On the.floor of
Disha's room. We talked for HOURS. Mainly about life.
II was all v deep and intense. and v intellectual.Disha said
it was too bad the wine wasn'r one of those bottles in a
straw basket. since that was much more Dark Phase than
chardonnay. but I said wine was the drink of intellectuals
no mailer what it was in. 0 puked in her waste bin in the
middle of the night. but the wine musr've knocked me OUI
because I didn't hear her. Neither of us even had a
18 headache today. But Disha told her mum she thought she
had a touch of lIu. so she didn't even have to clean om the
waste bin herself.
I don't believe in making New Year's resolutions. I believe
in constant and continuous personal growth. My parents.
being tces mundane. make resolutions every year-and
usually break them by noon on January first. So. this isn't
a resolution, but one thing I am going to do this year
is listen to more jazz. Dish. and I re-illyenjoyed the
program on the radio last night. even though a 10'
of the time there wasn 't any tune: }'OU could actually
recognize. But that's because jazz is the music of the
intellectual. so u's meant to be like that. In Our house
all thats usually played is the music of the bourgeois
(Sigmund's CapitalGold and the MC's classicaltapes) and
the depraved (the 'noise Justin listens to). And also I'm
going on a diet. It's not like I'm OBESE or anything, but
artists. writers. and intellectualsin a Dark Phase tend to be
lean. (Disha said that's because they're usually tOOpoor to
eat, but I pointed out that the artist who sold her bed to
the Saatch]Galleryisn't poor, and Disha said (hat just
because someone put your bed in a gallerydidn't make
you Rembrandt, who anyway WaSFAT, I hope she's not
going to spend the Dark Phase being argumemauve.)
When I got back to the IbIwt ~r1I011'Or, the MCand
Sigmund bad had another MAJOR ROW. I knew as
soon as I got into the flat because the MCWaSmuuenng
darldy on the phone to Sappho. Sigmund only emerged
from the.Bunker for supper. and they didn't say a word
to each other for the whole meal. PersonallyI prefer it
when they're not speaking since at least it's quiet,
TUESDAY llANUARY
Lifereally is v ironic. isn't it? (Tltis is something I've been
noticing more and more lately.) Everymorning during
'em, I drag myself 0111 of bed and listen to the news
 hoping rh small fires closed ID)' school for a. leas. one
day, bu. when u's the holidays I'm BORED OUT OF
MY MIND!!! Disha, of course, feels exactly the same,
She says she's finding the holiday stultifying (mealllng II',
!IIrning her brain into 0.1Ime11).Iasked her where she go.
lila! word from, and she said lhat jus. shows how bad iI is,
doesn't iii She's started reading the dictionary for fun.
Thank God Marcus rang up and said everybody was
hanging out 3'David's thts afiernoon if we'd like 10 come
310ng. Do birds like 10 fly? Not only were we DYINO '0
gel 0111of the house, but this was our Dark Phase debur, so
JO to speak, (Dish. gOI a red leather jacket for Xmas, which
is unfonunare since even thougb it's cooler than ice iI
RUINS the cffeet, Thank God my boots are black.)
The Mad Cow wanted 10 know if I was going '0 funeral
(is rh.. funny, or wh,,?!!), and Sigmund said no, u was
juS! the way creatures 011Illy plant! dress (surely I must 've
been adopredl). II look me and D so long '0 gel 'Olally
ready IIIal b), rhe lime we go. '0 David's, Marcus had
already gone home! After inviung us and c\ery.hing, It's
100 much, really,
Except for Davld (who said we looked" ilWl'liri,1 lldd,III1S).
none of the others even noticed our new look! The)' were
100 bus)' SlufTingtheir faces and playing the Pl.ySt,lli(>II
game DaVIdgo. for Xmas. which was V BORING. e<p If
you were practically sl.rving 10 denh. II made me lhink
about the power of lolly and stuff' like L1,.1.Their reality's
100allydistorted. You should've heard them ba.nging on
about tactics like they were crack SAS uoops and not
teenage boys who can't gel across London without an A-Z.
My feet were hurting a bil from my new boots and my
stomach was starting 10 growl (011 I'd had all day was
ONE slice of DRY loa" and IWOv small apples) and D
looked like she miglu fall asleep, so we decided 10 leave.
Fonunately I've had new boors before, so I'd thought 10
bring a pair of shoes with me. I changed as soon as we gOI
out of the house and was able to walk home without JI
doing my feet any permanent damage, even thougb I
didn't look as cool. Iwas RAVENOUS by tile time IgO!
home, of course. I stood al .he counter and ale half a
packet of water biscuits, which I reckon is OK since they
don't have any fat in them, NOl so sure about the cheese.
WlDKUDAY J JANUARY
I think the Mad Cow's really slarting 10 lose lt (she is
pushing tifly). If she's no. picking fighls wlth Sigmund,
she's picking them wuh me! I Sa' down 10 have a cup
of lea wnh her this afrernoon while she was cooking
 something, and she went BERSERK because r sniffed the
y
milk, I just wanted to make sure it hadn't gone off Is that
a crime? I swear that I am DOtgoing to become grumpy
and senile when I get old, I'm going to have a ~\i'l/lg
{f(.(!(lrt(lIld~foll/,even when I'm sixty, And maybe plastic
surgery,
D says it sounds to her like the MC must be
M.ENOPAUSAL!!! She says she's heard of caseswhere
the woman either won't come OUIof her room for months
Or does weird things like paiming the entire flat bright
n orange (sometimes on the OUTSIDE!I!). When her nan
Wentthrough 'he menopause she thought that ghosts were
after her and kept climbing into the washing machine
because she thouglu she'd be safe there (it was a tOP
loader).
THURSDAY 4 JANUARY
Went with Disha to exchange Ill)' tWOgift SCtSof
Raspberry Ripple for two sets of White Musk, but the
sales assistant wouldn't exchange them because I didn't
have the receipts. I asked her where else she thought they
came from, since they say Body Shop 011 them, but she
was a right stubborn cow, Disha says r can always use,
them as presents for other people, as long ~s I don't give
her aile.
The Mad Cow was sluing in the kitchen, sniffing into
a Cup of tea, when Disha and r gOt back, r couldn't tell
whether or not she'd been crying, but she looked Ukeshe
was gelling into One'of her i&DiIs. We made ourselves
scarce, Dishasays the MC seems V TENSE lately, but r
explained that it's just her hormones. She's up and down
like a staircase,You never know what mood she's going to
be in, D says she bopes that if we ever get th.atold they'll
have invented some drugs to combat it.
fRIDAY S JANUARY
Andrew "the Missing Link"jeffers, Justin's best mate for
reasons that will become obvious, accosted me in the
kitchen while I was making myself a cup of tea. He wanted
me to know that he thinks my friend Disha is v fit. r said
that's because she works om and has a black belt in karate,
and he said that wasn't what he meant, (Reallyl Um,
duh. , . ! I didn't know thau) He said to tell her she has
great tits, I told him to tell her himself

SATURDAY 6 JANUARY
According 10 Th. lires or Ih. GrN' fmlinillS,Virginia Woolf is
famous for uylng uw every woman should have a room
of her own. You em tell righl 01TIhal she didn't live with
my f.mily. I woke up rhts morning 10 find the child my
parents should NEVER I.. ve had sl.nding over my bed
laking picrures of me! (I wouldn't sleep in the nude In this
14 house in a heat wave.) II's all the Mad Cow's fault for
gelling him th .. new camera for Christmas. (She's always
spoiled himl] Now he's suned laking pictures of US .galn.
of course, the Me's on his side, as per usual. She says
[ustin doesn't mean any harm: he's jusl obsessed.
Possessed, more like. Then she went 01TOn one of her
langems. )'"mncring on about how talented [ustin is and
how proud she is of him. (For pushing a buucn') The Me
says that Justin wants 10 expcrtmcm more with sryle, now
11m he's made ,1 bu of. name for himself, I said ,\I1dwhat
would that name be? Sluthcad! She Ihouglll J was joking,
Personally I think she's delusional, (J can onlv assume Ihal
my father Ihe shrink hasn'. noticed this because he's not
home or they're fighllng or he's In the llunker I"'clending
10 be working 1)111 "e"l1y sno"king (,'g<.) II W,1<<0000
excrucialingly BORING, I was tempted 10 tell her Ihal
jusun rakes pictures of her and Sigmuud sle,epiug as well,
but I decided 10 use the tnformsuon to blackmail him
instead. I need the money.
Talked 10 Dtsha for EONS last nighl. II's so civilized,
being able 10 lie on my bed in privacy and have a
conversanon ,,;thOUI everybody eavesdropping on my
business or consundy tmerrupung 10 tell me the lime or
thai they're wailing for a call. I'm going 10 need another
phone card soon.
SUI DAY 1 JAIOARY
Disha and I bung OUIwith the others al David's again Ihls
afiemoon. and this lime Marcus managed 10 slay for more
than IWOseconds. Marcus suggested We go for a walk and
then David said he'd come 100. Marcus gOl us laughing so
much I had 10 go Into pub 10 lise Ihe 100. I pretended I
was looking for my mother, Aner Marcus and David went
home, Disha and I went back 10 mine. jusun and Andrew
were in the kuchen. I went 10 the 100 and [ustln went 0(1'
10 gel something and can YOII believe il? The Missing Link
DID IT! He actually DID IT! He told Dish. she had greal
 cics! And chen he cried co TOUCH THEM! 1 lIed about
Dish. being. black bch, but she did take a self.defense
course from the police lasi summer because her parents
are refugees, She flipped Andrew over and he crashed uuo
the fndge. D.sh. and I didn't StOPlaughing for HOURS.
I goc l'elled .t by ihe MC for knocking 1ll0S1of the
magnets off che fridge, of course. Like it was MY f,uh,
rigl,,? And chen she made ME pick them up, nOI /u;cin!
Talk about INEQUALITY between rhe sexes! I should
ask Sappho who 1 should complain co.
J6
MONDAY B JANUARY
What ." excruciating relief 10 gel back 10 the real world
.fter .11 that lime imprisoned in the \!Dust ~11IDmr!And
also, of course, 1was glad 10 see my lllany friends and Ms.
suplcs (my English and FAVORITE teacher). There was
a lot 10 c.tch up on! Catriona Hendley spellI most of the
day boring everyone with rales of her ..<crucialingly
wonderful holiday in NEW YORK (of course! Where
else would she go: they're not selling tickets to Mars l'c,.
arc they?). and "II the famous people she "'CI. ,1I.d,.11Ihe
a111<17.ing restaurants she are in. and all the astounding
chings she did (like 'hopping cill-cue hysterical lau~hcc,
here-she couldn't shop auymoret!'). Step aside,
Columbus. You'd think SHE discovered A!"erlc., ibe w.y
she went On. It was TOTALLY revolting. No. all W<1.S
,_ W -. however, Disha, Siranee, Alice, and I all
noticed rn.l Catriona had put on few pounds eating
in all chose amazing restaurants, Her chest bones aren't
protruding as much as usual. Unfortunately chis also means
ch.t I'U NEVER be able 10 go 10 New York unless I lose
at least a stone beforehand. And so far 1 apparently haven't
lost a gram. I'm going 10 have co stop my diet until the
MC buys a decent sec of scales (t.e., ones chat work).
What's the point of starvlng If every lime 1weigh myself
I'm heavier chan I was the ume before?
Wore my DeW boots to school for the first time today.
EVERYONE admired them, Even Catriona Hendley said
they were tris cool and asked where I got them. Wiping
tear from m)' eye, I sadly had .0 cell her they were the
last pair in the shop. Which is why they're little tight
(though I dtdn'r tell her that, of course). I was st.lrling
co limp by the end of the day, but J don'. chink anyone
noticed.
 TUHDAY 9 JANUARY
[asked Mr. Belakis, my art teacher, why there aren't any
Great Women Artists, and he said what about Frida Kahle.
to name but one. Theil he told me to read Some book by
Germaine Greer. Found Germaine in my diary. Apparently
there are HORDES of Grear Women Artists, but no one
ever tells you about them. Then [ found Frida in my diary.
Apparently she had one eyebrow, a mustache, and slept
with TONS of people of BOTH sexes.
J8 Had to soak my feet when I gOt home because of the
blisters. Despite the pain J was in, the Mad Cow threw a
MAJOR wobbly because I used the stew POt (it was the
largest thing I could find). She said why didn't [ usc the
mop bucket? I didn't know we had a mop bucket, but
even if I had I wouldn't have PUt my feet in it. (After she's
used jt to wash the floors?) Disha says I call probably
stretch them (the boots. not my feci).
I mentioned Frida Kahle to Sappho, so she "II Know I'm
finally using something she gave me, Sappho said Frida's
husband (who was also a famous artist) had a mustache
and slept with TONS of people too, so what was the
big deal?
WfDNHDAY 10 JANUARY
There really isn't any justice in this world, is. there? The
school magazine met this afternoon, and the next issue's
going to have TWO poems by Catnona "God Died and
Left Me in Charge" Hendley that she wrote about New
York, One's called "Skyline" (how Iris original!) and the
other's entitled "lnvistble People" (about the poor-like
she's ever met any). They're both really stupid poems if
you ask Ole. Esp. the oue about the invisible poor. All J
can say is New York must be v different to London. Here
poor people are right in your face. And you can't move J9
down the street without tripping over their blankets and
dogs. etc.
Meanwhile, NOBODY liked the SIOry J submiuedbefore
Christmas. They found it confusing. But isn't life
confusing? I talked to Ms. Staples about it in private. She
had some v constructive things to say (good imogay!niceUSl of
[onguog'!grippingid,o!), but she says I need to work a bit
harder on my plots. I told her I thought plots belonged in
gardens, and that to conform to rigid rules about stuff like
that stifled my Crr({live4pilil, Ms. Staples laughed and said
that she hoped I didn't take tllal line when it came to my
GCSEsbecause the education authority likes plots.
 I could never be a teacher. II mU$1suck the <-fblll righl our
of you (e.g.. Jocelyn Bandry, though il is pbssible tha; she
never had a soul io the first place). I feel bad for poor Ms.
Staples,who. unlike my female parent, does have a
(j>{I.rSi(JII(III!./tJIII and a quesring, intelligent mind despite
the personal lack of talent that musr've driven her into
leaching. How depressing il must be to work for people
who don't understand literature Or art or the true nature of
life' I told her I'd do my best. She gave me a graleful
smile. It's a BIG responsibility, having 10keep Ms.
Staples'slevel of hope up, but I feel I'm old enough now
40 10handle it. Afterall, that's part of what life's about. isn't ill
THURSDAY II JANUARY
Wha; a day! I don 'I think any more could go wrong if
I tried! The Mad Cow forgot 10tron the gray skin I was
going 10wear, so I had 10find something else that fil my
mood. It took EONS. I missed my usual bus, of course,
and then I couldn't find my pass. I look mrylhinyOUIof my
bag, but il wasn't anywllm.You should've heard the driver
moan about how much Sluff I carr)' around with Inc.
(Whar's it 10him' He's no. my mother!) 1 asked him if
he thought I was lugging around all these schoolbooks 10
gel a free ride! I mean, really, if there was.evera man in
DESPERATE need of a life, this was tbe man,
When I finally gOI10school, Disha turned up wearing
almost the exact same shin I was wearing, so we went
back to hers sc she could change. We were really only
seconds late, bUIStalin (aka Mr. Wilkins, our tutor)
wouldn't listen 10our perfectly reasonableexplanation and
gave us detention, [Power,corrupts, and absolute power
corrupts absolutely. I can't remember where I beard that,
but u's uue.) Then it turned OUItbal besides forgelting 10 41
iron my skirt, the Mad Cow forgot 10remind me 10lake
my PEkir again. I told Mrs. WiSl rhar I had cramps so bad
I thought I was gi~ingbirth, and she let me go 10 the
library instead of running around the field having my shins
clubbed. The bad news was that the sighl of me reminded
the librarian, Mrs, Higgle. that I still had two books
outstanding. I tried 10explain that I though. I'd brought
them back. but she said Ibal was what I said last lime. It'll
be a note home nexr, and then Sigmund will gel on my
case, yadda yadda yadda. The man can talk you into
unconsciousness.I hope the Mad Cow Can find the books.
 lATER
OH, TRAGEDY! OH, DARK DAY OF HORROR
AND GLOOM! I CAN'T FIND MY MOBE! And
I thought nothing more could go WRONG today! How
ironic is Ihal? Wh)' does ever)'lhing happen 10 ME?
I rnusr've dropped it on the bus this mcrning. which
is understandable considertng all the trauma I was put
through! The last time I remember having it was when
I rang Sara Dancer at the bus SLOp. The parents will
dehydrate me if they find OUI.
41
fRIDAY n JANUARY
I'm meant to be lid)'ing my room. ("If you Want 10 go to
Disha's lonighl, you'd beuer lid)' that room!" I don't know
why she doesn't PUIit on a tape loop and save herself the
trouble of sa)'ing the same tlling OVER AND OVER.)
The good news is II,at I thought I heard her coming 10
check on me (she was definitely <1prison guard in one of
her previous lives). so I dived under my bed in c!.:aning
mode, and guess what I found! The yOg<1 book I gOtfor
Chnsunas: rd forgoucn all about it. The woman ()11 I he
cover is sitting cross-leggedand smiling. There arc dozens
of quotes on the back from ordinary people who say that
yoga changed their lives. It looks preuy easy, I can smile,
and I can sit cross-legged,so what could be so hard?
Maybe I'll give il a 11')'. J can see yoga fining in v well with
the Dark Phase.Ms. Staples does yoga and she says it's
D~JPiriIllO',as well as heahhy. I wonder if you can lose
weight doing yoga (since dlettng obviously doesn't work).
SATURDAY IJJANUARY 4J
Had a v good time al Disha's, as per usual. Her parents
aren or as obtrusive as some. We were going to .have
an hploring IJlllrr:BillltllsiDns lIighl,but I left the book on
wirchcraf at home and Disha couldn't find the tarot cards
I gave bel' for Christmas (you've got to be given them:
you can't buy them for yourself), so we decided to have
an lnrellectualNight inslead. We were going 10 get 0111
this brilliant Iapancscfilm Ms. Staples told us about. bill
Blockbuster didn't have it. We were going to listen 10
intelligent music and read poetry instead, bUIwe couldn't
find the [azz station. Allwas FRUSTRATION AND
DOOM until Disha remembered thai Mrs. FOSlernext
 door (who is civilized and has cable) lent her. copy of
, - if.
Cluelesslast year that we never watched. Ms. Staples says
Cluelessis based on a Jane Austen novel, so we reckoned
that was just ..s good as something in Japanese. We finally
found it under some stuff on the floor of Disha's
wardrobe. But then frustration and doom turned to
AMAZEMENT AND SHOCK! Someone who was
probably Mr: Foster taped over Cluelesswith an ADULT
MOVIE. WC'te. not naive-s-wc've seen (he magazines
on the tOp shelf in the news agent's and stuff like that, of
course- bur both Disha and I come from homes where
44 pornography is frowned upon, Even Sigmund and the Me,
who are major believers in free speech. say it's demeaning
to women. Sappho said if she ever found Justin with porn
she'd make him eat it, and not even Justin would think
that was an idle threat. As for the Paskis. they were both
arrested for disorderly conduct when someone tried (0
open a sex shop in their old neighborhood. (Mrs. P
whacked the store owner over the head with a sign thar
said CHILDRENUVEHERE.)We didn't watch much (you don't
have to watch much to get the idea, and after Ulat it's SOrt
of boring). Dish. says now she'll never be able to see the
Fosters (esp. Mr. Foster) without feeling embarrassed. We
talked a bit about the boys we know and whether or nOI
they're into porn, which is a bit weird and creepy 10 think
about. Then Disha said could I imagine either of our
mothers straddling a chair in black lace suspenders with
rassles banging from her nipples and her tongue Olll like
that, and we practically died laughing.
When I gOt back to l!It~HOUlt this afternoon, the Mad
Cow was lying in wail (and not in suspenders and tassles,
believe me. She might be into S&M though. I have no
trouble picturing her with a whip). I barely gOt the door
shut before she started in. "What did I tell you .. , ? Whal
did you promise, .. ? I thought you were going to clean
up that pigsly before you went Out last nigbt!" Same old 45
same old. Tlien she literally dragged me over to the sink so
I could see all the plates and stuff she'd found under my
bed. AND she actually made me count them: six glasses,
seven mugs, two plates, nine spoons, three bowls, and
Great-Grandmother Rose's WILLOW PLATE!!! (Was I
INSANE? How could I treat a family heirloom like that?)
I rold her to chill OUI."A woman your age shouldn't get so
excited," I told her. "You'll give yourself a Stroke," For a
minute there I thought she was going to forget about her
commitment to nonviolent parenting and gtve me a stroke.
but instead she asked me 10 let her know when my planet
was ready to receive transmissions from Earth so she wasn't
[ust wasting her breath all the time. And then she told me
 10 GO AND TIDY my room, and not 10 come down
."
till it was done. I may spend the rest of my life up here,
(AI least I would if I had a phonet)
SUNDAY 14 JANUARY
Disha wanted to know if I managed to stretch Ill)' new
boots. I groaned out loud! Disha'd said J should wet them
before I stuffed them full of newspaper so rhey'd be more
46 flexible when J stretched them, so on Wednesday I filled
the mop bucket with water and left them in it in the
garden shed, J TOTALLY forgot about them! Dlsha said
when she laid me. 10 soak them. she meant for an hour or
so, not nearly a WEEK. Wha; a DISASTER!!! I mustve
been cursed at birth or something. They look all funny,
and the heel came off the right boot. Disha said I could
lake it 10 a cobbler, bUI I was 100 depressed to ask her
what a cobbler is.
I hate 01)' brother more than anyone has ever hated
ANYONE or ANTIHING in the history of the world.
As if lt wasn't enough that my new boots Me TOTALLY
RUINED. I was just trying out some new makeup
(Si)rttrtSs iliad;) when the door to my room was Rung open
and there was Justin and his bloody camera, (we at 73A
Wooster Crescent live in a virtually lockless world). He got
me pUlling on eyeliner. J really think it's time they had
him put down, You can't bite into a crisp in this house
without being photographed. It's like living with the
paparazzi (bur without the champagne and stuff]. Poor
Princess Di! I really feel for what she went through. Death
must've been a kind of release, (When J told that to Disha,
she said maybe it's not just the (;rt!t1I;"" who suffer-the
famous do too. J never thougln of it like that. J mean,
you can be MEGA FAMOUS and have the i1folll 41
of a cow pat, can't YOIl? BlII 0 says one has to make
a dtsnncuon between physical suffering and spinrual
suffering. Spiritual suffering is what the creauve do,
I don't think it's premature to say that the Dark Phase is
v successful so fart)
MONDAY IS JANUARY
Sara Dancer says her mother's boyfriend is into porn,
which Sara says is pretty understandable, since her mother
isn't exactly Madonna (she looks like a dinner lady). Sara
 even found magu.Jnes with names like S<x Slal'C!and Sht's
GOlia Hal" II under the mg in the bathroom.'She won't lake
baths anymore. Sara's mother doesn't know h. but S... 's
liule brother watches porn aU the lime on cable. And also
on the Internet. Sara watched il there once. Out of
tntellecunl curloslty. and it was preuy gross. She says she's
searched her dad's 8al for signs of Solitarv Sexual ACli"ily
bUI .11she turned up was a packet of condoms. which she
look as a good sign even though she doesn't ihiuk he has a
48
steady girlfriend. Sara says there's no way she'd 1'''1 up
with a room without ;'l lock in her mother's house-not
even when she's [usi rhere for a visit. She says u's like
living with wild lions. You never know when tlleir
primitive nature is going 10 lake over and Ihey auack, I
said Y"11don't ibtnk your mum's boyfriend would DO
SOMETHING. do YOII.and she said no. of course
nOI. bUI YOIIcan't be 100 careful. can you? Look 01 all rhe
articles ill the papers about people molesting minors.
Maybe newspapers aren't as BORING as I've always
thouglu. (And also readillg papers might be good for
slimulating the llrplTssiOlland Srnsr of Suffrringof rbe DP. AI
least they're faster to read than mOSIof Ms. Staples's books')
1 don't sec how I can go another day wuhout a phone,
It's like having a limb amputated. I can sull feel il pressed
aga,"st my check. I can Millsee the speoal purple c.,r
I bought for it. I can still hear its dlstlncrive call (some
Beatles song). I reach OUIfor It and It lsn't [here. M)'
fingers touch the air and I wonder why. Why? Why bas
this happened 10 me? (J reckon I must be learning an
important life lesson in toss=-you know, thai NOTHING
lasts forever-e-bur I s[iII wish I could've lost something
else. Uke Justin. for tnsunce.) 0 says maybe I should've
checked 10SIproperty. but everybody knows thai anything
good tb.1 gels 10SIgels nicked, so why bother? Now I have
notlung 10 do when )'111 w.iling for buses Or walking
down the street on my own. II'S SO BORING! And also
it's torture.
.,
Since 1can't just lie on my bed and talk 10 Disha, 1 was
going 10 watch some Ielly 10 relax before I started my
homework, bUI Nan turned up. 1 was just about 10 open
the living-room door when 1 bear d her say. "Ask yourself
what jesus would do in this suuauon, jocelyn." God knows
what they're on about now. bUI I sbould think it would be
hard even for [esus 10 be in the place of a menopausal
madwoman. J beat a h.slY retreat.
 TUHDAY 16 JANUARY
THIS IS TOO MUCH!!! You want 10 know how
TOTALLY INSANE the Mad Cow's gelling? Now she's
going Ihrough the rubbish. REALLY!!! I asked her if
she's planning 10 become a bag lady when she fill.,lly
retires from making my life hell, and she said she W.IS
aClually Ihinklng of joining MIS. She said she was looking
50 for evidence of Sigmund still being a closet ntcoune addlci.
You'd think she'd remember from last lime Ihal he always
sneaks the rubbish from the Bunker into someone else's
bin SO we Can'I accldenully find his butts. AII)'way, she
wen! Ihrough the rubbish and she found the boots, She
went BALLISTIC! 1 mean. they're only BOOTS. They
can be replaced, If you ask me, she's way 100 matenallstlc.
She should Iry nurturing her spiritual side a bit more.
WEDIHDAY 11 IAIOARY
Sigmund was banging on about work, as per usual,
while the rest of us were lrying 10 Cal Our supper. I wasn't
really llsrenlng (I mean, who docs?),bur l heard him say
something about rnatrophobla. I hare 10 ask Sigmund
questions (because he always gives such v long answers
thar by tbe time be's finished you don't have a clue what
you actually asked in the first place), but the Dark Phase II
is one of intellectual curiosity, SO I risked u. Sigmund said
matrophobia is when you're .frold of turning into your
own mother. Justin spoke one of his firsl full sentences
of the new year then, He asked Sigmund what it would
be called if he was afraid of Sigmundluming into Nan.
Everybody laughed except me. 1was praclicaLly turned
10 Slone, It never even occurred 10 me before that such
a thing could happen. 1 know 1worry about becoming
as SJ..uJoIll
and poinlltssas the res; of my family, but il
never occurred 10 me Ih.ll [ could aClually turn into MY
MOTHER. [ asked Sigmund if Ihal sort of thing was very
common, and he said u \V '5 ItHICh more C01111110n to tum
I
into your own mother than to be afraid of it. 1couldn't
believe il! Me, turn into the Mad Cowl!! I'd have 10 kill
myself I mean, really, what other option would ( have?
Now I'm feeling lltcpiJ) llcprrsscd, Allthe yefrs they make
you go to school to memorize a bunch of crap that you
immediately forget, bUInobody ever tells you anything
REALLY IMPORTANT, lr doesn't seem fair, Are we
mushrooms that have to be kept in the darkI
D agrees that no one ever tells you anythi.ngREALLY
IMPORTANT or even worth knowing, She says the
more she finds 0111 in the Op, the more she realizesthai it's
practicallya miracle that EVERYBODY isn't depressed.
TOO TRUE! lr almost makes you admire people like my
parents. who manage to exist on such a superficiallevel
that the slings and arrows of Outrageous Fortune miss
them entirely. But can you truly experience REAL joy
or meaning by floating on the surface of the Lakeof Ufe
and never diving down to the depths? Oisha and ( don't
think so.
THURSDAY 18 JANUARY
There is a God! There really is! And He's ON MY
SIDE!!! Sigmund caught Justin gelling ready to take a
picture of him while he was pceillg (Sigmund, not Justin)
and he went BERSERK!!! You'd never believe Sigmund
makes his living being reasonable in this dead calm way if
you'a seen him waving the roll of film about. He would've
had the camera 100, but the Mad Cow snatched it away jusl
in time. I think she rhought il was flmny, because she left
the room v quickly after that. ( thought it was hilarious.
Sigmund gOIso worked up thai he gOIone of his
migraines and had 10 go 10 bed.
Thursday nighls I usually mind Mrs. Kennedy's twins,
Shane and Shaun, while she goes to her compuler class and
then out for a drink with her mates, bUItonight she rang
to say she had a cold and wasn't going out after all. Mrs.
Kennedyis in several of Sigmund's groups (including the
wives of men in prison support group and the low self-
esteem group), and now, under the guidance ofa man
who can never find his car keys, she's gelling her life
together. At four quid an hour, she can get everyone's tife
together for all I care. Not that the twins are easy. But God
knows I could use the money (getting money out of
Sigmund or the Mad Cow is harder than putting your eye
makeup on in the.dark); ( could also really use the break
from them, though, Children definitely don't fit into the
OP. From what r Cart tell, most of the Great Writers and
Artistsdidn't have that milch to do with children-if
anything. Not even tbe women. 0 agrees, She says
 Shakespeare bad the twins and all, but she doesn't think he
,.,
took them every other weekend or anylhing like that. On
the other hand, the MC doesn't like Mrs. Kennedy, so me
going over there usually winds her up (one has to snatch
bits of happiness where. one can in this life!). The MC says
she doesn't like Mrs. Kennedy because she shows right-
wing racist tendencies (she votes Tory and once asked the
MC what her ethnic background is), but 1 reckon it's really
because Mrs. Kennedy's v attractive in an EClStEnJ,,,
SOrt of
way, and the MC (being about as attractive as bog roll)
resents her, It's a pretty common syndrome.
S4
fRIDAY" JANUARY
Dish. and 1 had another long talk about MEN AND
LOVE this afiernoon. Should 1go after David? Should I go
after Marcus? It's a big decision to make. Marcus is a v
good artist, which gives us a ""IJiri(JlfJ/ Co'IJIl'rliQII, but
he's gOt a v square face and only one eyebrow and isu '( as
goodlooking as David. David's v sexy (D and I agree It's
his eycs-his lashes arc longer than mine when rill
wearing lash-leugthenlng mascara), and though he isn't a
painter. he is v literary. (One- rime when we were all at his
and cxcruciaungly bored, we played his parents' Trivial
Pursuit and David was incredible! Even Disha was
impressed, and you already know how much she readst)
But he did start a food figbt at Wa jenkins's Halloween
party, which was v juvenile, even though be did get
Carriona Hendley smack in the face with a handful of jclly,
which was preuy hilarious and ruined her hair! Somenmes
I think that if I could put David and Marcus together I'd
have the perfect man. After all, if you do end up having
sex with someone, you get to be on pretty intimate terms
with his penis, don't you? 1don't think I'd be able to be
on intimate terms with Ole penis of someone less than
dose to perfect. And also 1 do worry- that there's no real
:FriSlon, as the French (who seem to know a lot about
fPos.,ion and Ji..()lI1ana) would say. There's no real
chemistry, no explosion of ~lIlt. On the other hand, a
little practice mighr not burt. Maybe passion's something
you have to work up to, As Disha says, you don't jump
into the deep end of the pool the firs! time you try to
swim, do you.?
SATURDAY 10 JANUARY
GOD LOVES ME! He really does. Or maybe my
karma's beuer than I thought, because wait till you hear
 what happened lonighl. Ml' whole family evacuated the
premises afier slipper. Together: I think ILt~ywere going 10
some exlubluon at justin's college. The parcms were preuy
presentable looking. bUI Iustin is NEVER presentable
looking: he alw~ys looks like he lives on the streets. The
Mad Cow asked me if I was coming and I sighed and told
her I had 100 much homework this weekend (which is
preuy much true). HaVing the Aat to myself Is about as
rare as seeing a Aock of pigs Aylng over north london. so I
decided to take advantage of this unexpected opponunay
and as soon as Ihey left I had a look for the Mad Cow's
56 mobe, (Sigmund did all his Christmas shopping in one
shop this year-he even gOI a mobile for NUL Ihal has
large numbers so she can see them and Ih.1 plays
..Amazing Grac. ") I finally found it in her desk. looking
palhelically unrouched. She never lISCS It. so she'll also
never know it's gone.
Read another page of The OUlsider (to be honesr. u's 1I0t
exactly what I thouglu II would be from the 11110).TWO
poems by Ihis French guy Ms. Suplcs recommended. and
the lmroducrion 10 Illy yog., book lonighl. The Dark Phase
is going REALLY well. 1,,1111051 can't remember what it's
like 10 be a child anymore.
SUNDAY 11 JAIUARY
Disha just rang. We had a v interesting conversation.
o wanted to know if I remembered her brother's friend
Elvin. (Dish"s brother. Calum, is younger than justin-
he's in the sixth fonn >t OUI school-s-but he's about IWO
mIllion years on in evolutionary terms. For one thing, he
can speak.) Dlsha SolySI've seen Elvin a couple of limes,
He's the one Calum melon the special film course he's
laking. I said, "Blond?" Disha said no. be's the one with
the longisb black hair who wears cowboy beou, I said,
"Oh, ruM!" Anyway, Disha was alone in the kitchen
with El,'in just now, and he'd been asking about ME!
Elvin's a naff name, bUI Dish. and I agreed thai he's preuy
good-looking. ALSO he wears black turtlenecks and his
hair is just long enough 10 make him look like a Beal poer,
(We discovered the Beat poets when one of them died and
Ms. Staples told us how Ihey were an trnelleciual
movement and everything. Ms. Staples says Ihey were
pissed ofT with the system and the middle-class IIfeslyle
long before the punks-True Artists always are.)
Dish, says Elvln's ,I film school and he's already won.
prize for some film he made about cats (al leasl Dish. Ihlnks
it', about cal'; she isn't TOTALLY certain), A filmmaker
 is v cool-sort
..
of a combination berwcen an artist and a
writer. I reckon I didn't really notice EMn before because
he's older. I know lots of girls like older men. (One of the
maths le.chers lefl over Christmas 10 fulfil her biologiCAl
destiny and has been replaced by Mr. PI'gel, who looks
)'oung cnough 10 be sixth-former except GORGEOUS.
and you wouldn't believe how many girls who can't add
up without a calculator are lalking about doing A.level
mathsl!'] I, however. don't see the anracuon. Older men
make me sort of nervous. l think YOllhave 10 SUSpCCI Iheir
motives. (I mean, why can 'I Ihey gel a woman thelr own
58 age? [S there something wrong with them? Are Ihey afratd
of being with an equal? Do they dunk a younger girl
would be cosier 10 push aroundt) Elvin's difTerem Ihough
(he's nOllh.1 old-in facl he's probably the same age as
Justin, bUI MUCH more marure). Disha and I agree Ihal
dus Is v exciling.
On a more mundane note. Sara Dancer s I.. \~ng second
uloughlS about DOING IT, She was lalking 10 some girl
who sraned having sex the day before she turned fifteen.
and Ihi~ girl reckons Sara should hold out for a bed ,15 well
as . rcaI boyfriend, The first lime thls girl did il W,\S ill a
garden ,hed (she had a rake handle in her back Ihe whole
1iI11(:, but it was over pretty fasl so it \\',l!Ort', coo OJd). She
says she's never done il without her clotheS on or lying
down-unless you count the back SUI of her boyfriend's
father's car. which none of us do. Sara says il doesn't
sound mueb like in films, And I said il was just what 1 was
always saying, wasn't ill Where's the Romancr? Where's
tbe {Pas,ion? Where's the overwhelming desire 10 merge
your &>111 (and a couple of body pans) with another?
MONDAY n UNUARY
59
Mentioned 10 David al lunch lltal I'm reading 11u OUlSid<r.
He was impressed. He said be admires Camus's clarity of
Intellect, philosophical optimism, and hopeful love of life.
This doesn't sound mueb like the book I'm reading. bUI
I said I did 100. I reckon the opumtsm and hope must
come afler page three.
The yoga isn'r as easy as n looks on the cover, I'm sure
some of the posiuons are only possible if your bones are
made of Plasucine or you're double-johued or something.
I was trying 10 do the Chakrasana (Ihe Wheel, 10 the
layperson) because it says In the book Ihat il strengthens
your thigh and stomach muscles (I reckon il beats going
 on another dier). I got Into It OK. but then I got SOrt of
stuck. It was either call for help or crash. I made the wrong
choice. I screamed and Justin raced In. bUI of course he
wasn't alone. He had his stupid camera with him. He
snapped me jusl as I fell. He'd beuer hide Ibal bloody
thing. because if I gel my hands on it I'm throwing it
into the 100.
WlDlHDAY 14 IAIUARY
60
IT HAS TO BE TOLD!
Five Reasons Why I Hale Catrtona Hendley:
(I) She's ALWAYS had. big head because her mother
writes for the Guardidn and her father is some excnlciatillgly
ginormous big deal at Channel Four.
(2) When we were in primary school. Catrlona Hendley
always made up dumb games for us 10 play. and I was
always the dog.
(3) When we gOI 10 secondary school. Catriona Hendley
asked me in from of everyone if I was a Taurus, bUI I
didn't know anYlhing aboru astrology theu and l tbouglu
she said tourls: and I said no. I was born In London. It
took EONS to live it down.
(4) Doe day last summer we were all hanging OUIin the
park and Catriona was lelling some incredibly boring story.
I was lying on the ground. walching the clouds, and I m
up 10 ask Dish. something, and Catriona told me 10 lie
bad down and ear another BAG OF CRISPS! Uk. I'd
already eaten one! In from of everybody! (Dish. said thaI
was 001 what Catriona said, but I think Dlsha was jusl
trying to make me feel beuer. DW,.'s v loy.tl.)
(5) CATRIONA HENDLEY'S AFTER ELVIN
WHATEVER-HIS-NAME-IS!!! I can hardly
believe it myself. I mean, I mow the world's. global
village now. but it's still 001 THAT small. How does she 61
even knaI. him? He doesn't go to our school, she doesn't
have an older brother, and she'snot big mates with Disha,
BUIthe Eyes Don't Lie, There I was, minding my OWn
business and waiting for Sara afrer school (Disha had 10 go
to the dentist's), when who should come riding through
the gates on his bicycle but Elvin! Now Ihal I know he's
interested in ME, his face has been burned Into Illy brain
and I recognized him immediately. He looked even cooler
than I remembered. I reckoned he was meeting Calum, and
I was just getting ready to go over and say hello in a hey-
don't-l-know-you sort of way when Catrlona Hendley
came Rying down the steps behind me like a bat 0111of
hell (nearly knocking me over) and pracucally uckled him
 ..
as he go, 01This bike! If Camona Hendley was buill like.
real woman (like SOme of us) and not a wood sprue, she
would have floored him. Then she dropped her books, ON
PURPOSE! (This is the rwenry-first century. Can you
believe ill) Wh., could he do? He bad to help her pid
them up. And. aJ'~'W'y. she W<IS practically standing on his
fee, so he dtdn't have much choice. This really isn't f.lr!
He saw me firstt If she'd balled her eyelashes any more.
she'd've given him a RASH.
Rang Dlsba on the way home 10 tell her what happened.
61 She's going 10 sec wha, she can lind out. ( hope Nan's
righ, and there is a hell. because il would really make m)'
life 10 know lilat C.. rtona Hendley will be going 'here.
Then we'd see how cool Ms. "So Trendy You Could Break
Your Teeth on Her" really is.
THURSDAY H JANUARY
II took ,'ges '0 gel Mrs. Kennedy's twins '0 bed ,onigln,
The)' musr have visited (heir dad at the weekend. because
,hey were all wound up about him. Dad this. , . Dad
that . D.ld , , Dad ... D,ld ... BOring Or what? ( "link
they're conru~jng hint wuh someone who isn't cI(')III& IIIlIC
for armed robbery. Shane sald thelr dad was coming borne
soon, and I reminded him Ibal soon was nearly. year
.way. Children have no real sense of lime. I had 10 keep
interrupting my conversanon with Disha 10 tell them to
chill out. and it was a v important one. (Dish. managed
10 gel the Information thAi C.ttiona Hendley used to live
across the road from Elvin, so that's bow they know each
other-I'm nOI sure if I think this is good news or bad
news.) I had to tell the twins 10 be quiet so many limes
that in the end Disha said she'd rather have" bath than
listen to me screaming at Shane and Shaun. so we JUSt
hung up. 6)
Rang Sara Dancer. Now she 's having third thoughts. She
says she's going 10 have 10 have sex sometime, so why DOt
now? And ilia she says it's like putting ofT a haircut. I
don't think so, There's nothing even remOlely romantic
about ha'ing your hair CUt.Sara says maybe she'll meet
somebody Saturday night. She's going to a pmy.
The MC was polishing 01Ta boule of wine when I gOt
home. (On top of EVERYTHING, now she's Slatted
drinking as welll I don't know why, but il irritates me
when she gets really inebrtated.) Firsl she told me what
lime il was and thai these late "Ights had better not affect
my schoolwork. Then she wanted 10 know where Mrs.
 ,
Kennedy went tonighl. Doesn't she know Lhe)'have pubs
and cinemas in London and she doesn't have 10 go to
Bristol for a drink afier her computer class] I felt like
telling her to get herself on Prozac IMMEDIATELY.
II's bad enough she's .Iw.ys on at me, but extending her
attacksto the neighbors can't be good sign.
FRIDAY 16 JANUARY
64 I had a nightmare last night that Johnn)' Depp was my
brother and Catriona Hendley was going out with him.
Everytime I turned comer, there they were fr.mtic.illy
exchanging saliva and Au germs. It was so scary, it woke
me up. On the other side of love, the Mad Cow and
Sigmund were shrieking at Nell other In the kitchen. You'd
think the)' were tTylngto wake the dead the way they were
c.rrying 011. I wish they'd go back 10 just ignoring each
other like they uSllallydo. it was IWO In the morning. for
God's sake! I mean, REALLY! One minute she's angr)'
with poor Mrs, Kennedy for mylng out afier her class and
milling Ill)' sleep, and lhe nex: she's srarrcd World War III
praclicallynext door 10Ill)' room! And also they're aiw.l),s
lelling me I never rhink abour '"l'one else: I gOI IIll'
Discman and plllgged myself in so I could get some sleep,
Tomorrow Disha's going with me to the yqga center to
buy a mat so I don't slip over again. I have to pay for it
myself of course. Sigmund wouldn't give me the money
because he says it'll JUSI wind up with a bunch of plants
on top of it like the piano. The Mad Cow can usually be
worn down eventually. but she wouldn't rough up either
this time. She says she p.ud for the leotard and the
leggings, and that was enough, Whit dId I think she
was-MADE OF MONEY? I'm beginning 10 think
she's made of toxic waste. I wonder if I should suggesl
hormone replacement therapy.
SITURDIYllJAIUIRY
OH MY GOD!!! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO
BELIEVE THIS! I! Disha and I were coming out of the
yoga center with my new mat (lilac because Ihey didn't
have black) and a Tibetan meditation CD (to help me gel
in the right mood, which is v important) when, as if
drawn by the invisible forces of the universe, we happened
to glance through the window of the veggie cafe next
door. Sitting right in the middle of the room was Blvln,
I was struck anew by how excruclaungly attractive he is.
(I'm amazed h never really hit me before.) I swear, my
 heart LITERALLY skipped a beat (a sure' sign of the lirst
stirrings of ,j>'t.f4ioll). And then my heart hit my kneecaps
when ( saw who was sitting with hint. You could have
knocked me over with a crisp wrapper. OH YES!!! None
other than Dtnon. Hendley. She's like a genn the w.y she
geLSeverywhere, Elvin and the Hendley were eating salads
and having a v intense conversation. At least she was, She
was leaning over so much she was practically io his lap!
(It's just as well she doesn't have boobs or she would've
suffocated hlm.) And then it hit me! Elvin and the Hendley
have something ill common besides being ex-neighbors!
66 Everybody at school knows Cairtona Hendley is the biggest
vegetarian since the CO\\' because she's always banging on
about it (you'd think she'd invented it, the way she goes
Oil). 8\11 I'd no idea about Elvin. I could see it all clearly,
Catriona was trying to worm her way il110 Elvin's life
through lettuce and herbal teas. I asked Disha wh)' she
hadn't told me about Elvin being a VEGETARIAN
Serious Filmmaker, and she said that since she didn't hang
around trying to see Elvin eat, she couldn't possibly know
a thing like that, could she' She said she didn't think il was
important 311YW,'y,(I'd like 10 know what she thlnks IS
imponantl]
Nobody else al home lonight.. Justin sloped olT as ,0011 as
he'd stuffed his f,ICC,and then a while later Sigillund ,1I1d
the Mad Cow rushed olT shouting .. each other. Isn't life
ironic? If I'd known I was going to have the Hat to myself,
l'd've 51ayed borne and enjoyed lite luxury of all the peace
and quiet, but I'd already planned to go OVM to Disha's,
So, to tole some ad,'ant.gc of this Ctfifrom ,,,~(}ods,
I
helped myself to some of the politicaUy correct bath oil
Sappho gave the Mad Cow for the winter solstice (which is
tested on nothing except chemists and is more expensive
than plastic surgery) and had a long soak before I went.
(Can you believe how childish my mother is? She hid the
bath oil behind the unned vegetables because she thought
I'd never lind it therel) The bath was bliss! Oh, bow liang
to live on my own! When I can't sleep and I don't feel like
:/lomanLiciFanIQS); Iplan my entire Hat. Ichoose the
furniture and the kitchen units, everything. Ieven plan
dinner panies.
SURDAY lIIA.UARY
Desperate limes call for desperate measures, and if starting
to .'Fall ill .co/)(' with someone who Is being stalked by
Camona Hendley isn't desperate times I don't know what
is. So even though the book says that constructive spells (like
making someone have a hormone rush every time be sees
 ..
you) should be made during a full moon. I called an
[t,!Dring Ollirr llimrnsions1ll4hl last night. It was new moon.
so I decided to think laterally the way Sigmund is always
telling me to. I reckoned we could trick the Other
Dimensions Into Ihinking there was moonlight. We
rounded up every candle we could lind (including a Frosty
the Snowman one left from Christmas. a pack of birthday
candles. and Calum's skull candle. which he wouldn't be
needing since he wasn't home). Then we wailed till
Disha's parents went 10 bed so we didn't have 10 worry
about being hucrruptcd. That gOI us 10 one In the
68 morning. Oishi, mother is a phenomenal snorer (MUCH
worse than Sigmund). Her snores are to ordinary snores
what a nuclear bomb is 10 a slingshot. We left the transoin
over Dlsha's door open. and as SOOnas we could hear the
earth-shaking snorts and wheezes that meant Mrs. Pas"l had
passed OUI.Disha started lighling the candles while I started
lighting the incense. The candles were going 0111 as fast as
she was lighting them, so we shut the window (Disha's
father believes In AIR the way my father believes in
Freud). Her room looked well Wicked when we were
done. Holding hands. we sat in the middle of the floor
with our eyes closed. I started the incantatlon. "Pray 10 Ihe
moon when she Is rouud=-" BUII didn't gel ony further.
because Dish. told me 10 be quiet and listen. J didn't hear
an)'thing. Dish. said rhat was e"actly what she meant Her
mother had stopped snoring! Dlsha has a more pessimistic
nature than I do. She immediately decided that this meant
ber mother was gelling OUtof bed 10 come and checlt on
us. 1said not necessarily (If 1 dldn'l have such on ,.,{nulir
JtHJJ, I migbt consider being a sollcitor, since I also have a
very logical mind). I said maybe Mr. Poski rolled ber OUIof
bed to shut her up. That's what the Mad Cow used to do
to Sigmund (tbough lalely she ju.st makes him sleep on the
couch. which is preny bloody inconvenient if you want to
sit up late watching a film).
Anyway. Disha started blowing out the candles in a frantic
SOrt of way. We JUStgot them .U Out when a sound even
more horrific than Mrs. PaskJ's snoring shattered the "
peaceful silence of the night. Dish. clutched my hand. Her
palms were already sweating. "Ob my God!" she
whispered. "We're being burgled." I told her thaI it
delinittly wasn't the house alum. I'm an authority on
bouse alarms. Ours was always going 01Ttill Sigmund
ripped it OUIin a fit of temper, so I know what Ihey sound
like. This was more like an air raid siren. It wasn't easy
getting to the lighl switch because of all the candles, Every
time we look a step we knocked another one oyer. We
were still groping around In the dark when Mr. Paskl
started running Ihrough the hallway shouting. "Fire! Fire!
Everybody get Out of tile house!" We didn't need to be
 told twice. J once PUI the iron on Illy band (I was Ihinking
of somrlhlng and wasn't looking), and Disha once SCIher
shirt on fire with a candle, so we both knew the agony of
burning flesh. We trampled over the candles and hurled
ourselves Ihrough the door. Mrs. Paski had a blanket over
her shoulders and a pill of high heels on her feel, bUI Mr.
Paski was lUStw earing pajama bottoms, a rallY old Pink
Floyd T-shtn. and one sock (God knows what he'd been
up 10!). We all rail iruo the road to wait for the fire
engine. Every lime we heard a siren, Mr. Paskl shall led ,
"There they are!" Bill they weren't, Dish. wanted 10 go
10 back Inside 10 save her new leather jackel. bill her mor her
wouldn't lei her. There was a bit of all argumenl about
Ihal, bUI then Mr. Paski started raming and everyone finally
shm up.
Afier while Mrs. Paski said she didn't see any smoke. Mr.
Paski told her that was the most dangerous kind of fire. the
kind wlthoru smoke. Mrs. Paski pulled her blanket lighler
and sniffed. She didn't smell smoke either. Mr. Paski sald
he smelled smoke. He asked me and Dish. if we smelled
smoke, and we sald \\'C guessed so since agreeing was ,\ 101
easier than disagreeing. Mr. Paski suned 5l,lndin& on one
fool. I wondered if he'd ever done yoga. )\fier another
while. one of the neighbors poked his head out of an
upstairs wmdow. Mr. Paski explained about the fire The
fire engine was there in minutes. Apparently. in all the
confusion, neither of the parent Paskls thought of actually
ringing the fire departmenull By then half the road was out
on the street. Disha and I were jusl about to go next door
for a cup of tea when fireman came out of the Paskis'
with Frosty in one hand and the skull in the other.
Apparently the smoke from .11 the candles sci off the alarm
in the hall. Mrs. Paski mumbled something, and then she
started laughing. Mr. Paskl didn't laugh. (He didn't laugh
later either, though Dish. and 1 did.) Mrs. Paski told him
to look on the brlghl side. If Calum had been borne, he
would have been filming the whole thing. 11
The MC and Sigmund weren't laughing either when I got
home. Nobody told me, of course, bUI Nan broke her
elbow falling off. bus ytSterday. Apparotlly that's where
they went rushing ofT to last nighl-the hospital. They had
to put a pin in her elbow to hold it togelher. I didn't quite
get the whole story. Sigmund and the Mad Cow were busy
moving their sruff out of rhelr bedroom so Nan could sleep
in there, so all I gOt was a garbled account from Nan. She
kept laughing and s.ying J should've seen the other guy
(I presume she meant the pavement). They musi've given
her some heavy drugs for the operation. The major pari of
the story is that Nan has moved in with us until her
elbow's healed enough for her 10 be on her own (which
 _'
could lake MONTHS considering how old she is), Her
arm's all wrapped up In plasuc like. hunk of meat. It
looks really GROSS, Sigmund's wigged OUtcompletely.
"Is this what Jesus would do if He broke His elbow?"
he kept asking, "Move in with His son?" I hope he
remembers Ihis when he's old and feeble and "'<I.IltSto
move in with me!
MONDAY 19 JANUARY
n screamed, "Praise be 10 Jesus! It's the devtl's spawn!" I
Sara Dancer's father twisted his ankle on Saturday night so
Sara stayed home to look after him instead of going to the
party, I think this may be an excuse, It's on I)' an ankle, for
God's sake,
Back in the land of the sexless, there was so much trauma
at home last night because of N,ln (Sigmund and the Mad
Cow are both sleeping on the couch now, which Is not
exactly an optimum situation) tlw I forgot all about doing
my spell again until I was gellillg read), for bed. It was
raining, so I reckoned it didn't maucr If the mOOIl W,\S full
or not. [ mean, who's going 10 sec il tlUY\V.1Y! J lit SOUle
candles and sat cross-legged on m)' bed In my underwear
so I'd be more ill touch wid, my primitive self I closed
my eyes and REALLYconcentrated, At litst I had to keep
checking 10 make sure I was saying it right, bUI after a
while I started 10 gel into n, I swear I could feci the S,1ril
IIIht fttUlt 61111dtis6lling my room, I started rocklng gently
back and fonh and chanting, "Queen of the Moon, , ,
Queen of the Sun ... Queen of the Heavens . , , Queen of
the Stars . , ." (I dido'I plan 10 do this, It just happened! It
was well wicked!!!) I forgot about who I was, and where
I was, [ was an Aztec maiden or an andem druid, I was
drifting in the cosmos like a panicle of Ught, unfeuered by
the chains of the material world. AI least I was until Nan
n
came back 10 Earth pretty sharply al thaI, My first real spell
and I bad a manifestation! The devil's spawn! How brilliant
can you gel? [ opened my eyes, shouung. "Where?
Where's the devil's spawn?" Turns out there wasn't any
manifestation - Nan was actually lalklng about me: Can
you believe il? Her Own lIesh and blood! I was wen
disappointed. It took EONS 10 calm her down (It's a
good Ihing I wasn't naked), The Mad Cow pur a sign on
the bathroom door that says BATlIROOM in case Nan gels
confused again, I demanded that the lock on my door Is
fixed, but Sigmund isn't having II. He gave me twenty
excructannglv boring minutes on why he doesn't believe
in locks (he doesn't know how 10 fix them himself and
be's tOOcheap to pay someone else to do it Is why),

lUUDAY )0 JANUARY
Late again for school. Mr. Wilkins gave me another
detention. (According to the papers, teachers ate leaving
the profession IN DROVES, but not Mr. Wilkins, of
course, Probably he knows he'd. never get another job.)
Disha discreetly pumped Calum for more information on
14 Elvin. (There's not a doubt in my mind that Dish. is my
cosmic sister. I know in my Jillli it's no coincidence that
we were born in the same year. in the same borough of
the same city, and go to the same school.) Anp"ay, besides
being a veggie, Elvin (according to Calum) 15 "el)'
concerned about the state of the planet, He feels filmmakers
have a responsibility to show the world as it really ISand
to help protect it (so at least there's no danger that If I do
fllll ;)(""f)'iIlLOf(, with him he'll go running off to
Hollywood), mvin's ami-hum. anu-vivisccuon. and anil-
intcrnauonal giobaiisill (he's anti so much that even
Sappho would approve), I asked Disha what internatiollal
globalism was. since it's one of those terms that everybody
uses bUI no one ever explains. I thought i1 1111gl1 11.1\'('
S0l11ctluug to do with the ;,\ge of conunu IHC.ll ion and 1)(,lng
able '0 e-mail anywhere in 'he world in a second, but
Disha said it had something to do with those riots they
have every spring, So she isn't sure enher. But whatever it
is, Elvin was nearly arrested cutside McDonald's at the riots
last year. No wonder C.,riona Hendley's afier him. She's
always protesting about something, She's practically
London's answer to loan of Arc, Besides all lhat, Elvin's
taking some sort of Eastern martial arts course (for the
philosophy, not the ability to break a brick wall with one
hand, of course), but Disha couldn't remember which One.
And also his star sign's leo. I don't know anything about
leo. I'll have to ask Sappho.
The police were round at ours when [ finally gOt home
this afternoon! At first I thought t.hey must be looking
for [ustin, but they were there to talk to Nan. Apparently
she didn'r fall ofT the bus: she Jumped .fter some guy
who'd grabbed her b.g. She downed him, but be gOt away
(S4lIS said bag). The police were v impressed with her
quickness of mind and body. NOli said it was the way she
was trained ill the war. She's obviously still suffering from
the drugs.
GET THIS!!! Geek Boy overheard me telling Disha about
the police and everything . nd he said Nail REALLY
WAS in the War. [ said right, ill .. I air raid shelter (which
 ..
o Ihoughl was v funny), but [ustin said no, not in an .ir
raid shelter, in France! He said she was some son of spy,
Disha and I near ly choked, we were laughing so much,
bUI laler I asked Sigmund and he backed Iusun's slory, He
said nOI only did tlley give her a medal for bravery, bUI
I'd seen it at Itasl a million times because u's up 011her
mantelpiece. next 10 Grandad's ashes, So then I asked
the Me, because ahhough she Ius a 101of faults. winding
me up tsn'r one of them. Plus she doesn't have a sense of
humor, The Me said if I visaed Earth more oflen ,
I mighl have some idea of what was going on around me,
Which I look 10 be confirmauon of [ustin's siory, My
gnndmolher the spy, I REALLY can 'I believe It. The Me
said that's because I think Nan was born OLD, which she
wasn't. I said did she mean unlike her, and she said she
look il back; I should Stay on my own planet or she mighl
have 10 kill me, Didn't I say she has no sense of humor!
WlDNHDAY H JANUARY
The Mad CO\v was ill J prize bitch 11100d this 1110I'uil1&.
If she gal pml by the mO,IIl, she'd be a millionaire. /\11
I did was ask where Illy black trouser ..sklrt was and she
went mad, "I'm not your skivvy, young I.d),! If you W,lIIl
il washed, gel off your bum and wash it yourself]" Justin
shuffied in righl then, asking about breakfasl (one of the
few verbal communlcallons he can be relied on 10 make),
and she rounded 00 him for a change. She told him he
could do his own laundry from now on 100, (How unhir
is thai! He only changes once every couple nf weeks,
whereas I ch.mge at least twice a day!) Afler thaI I didn'r
feel much like eating, so I made my escape, I was HOURS
early, of course, It would've served the Me righl if I'd
been raped by some drug-crazed psychopath on his way
home from a nlghl of carnage. Thai's what Iwas thinking
as I turned into the road the school's on, I was itnagining n
my mother weeping on televiston, begging the nation 10
tell the police if they knew anything Ih.1 could lead to the
arrest of the heartless klller of her only daughter. I was
practically crying myself, And what happened next? All of a
sudden I beard a mobe go off behind me. It was playing
the Star Wall theme song, The .$lorWOIl theme song is
definilely not something you'd expect a normal person 10
have on their rnobe. It really look me by surprise, but I
managed 10 calm myself down, (Psychopaths are like dogs
-e-they can smell fear.) Besides, I was fairly certain a drug-
crazed psychopath wouldn't remember 10 take his mobe
with him, I mean, who would he c.1II Psychopaths dOIl'1
have friends. And even if he did, whar would he say? "Hi.
J'm on the street and I'm jusl about 10 auack this auracnve
 young woman with bum like Jennifer Lopez's who's"
walking 011her OWII," [ looked round, It wasn't a mobe, h
was a high-Ih bicycle bell. And on the bicycle (which
was also high-Ih) was ELVIN!!! Elecrricil)' shor Ihrough
me as if [ were a meral pole (the metal pole of lort'!), [
couldn't believe it! Whal was he doing here? Whal if I
hadn't left early? Whal if I'd been LATE? [ half expected
Catriona Hendley 10 drop OUiof a tree and ruin II all,
Elvill said, "HI. h's Jail, iS1I'1i11" I adrniued 10 beillg jan,
He gOI ofT and walked the rest of the way with me, He
18 was meeling Calum 10 give him something before school.
I mentioned Ih,lI Dish. and I saw him in the cafe on
Salllrday, and he said we should have come in and said
hello, so [ explained tbal we were just going 10 our ),oga
class and didn't have lime. He said he'd always been
Imeresred in yoga, [ said it had changed m)' life, [ told him
we went lnto rhe c.re a lOt (whicb is a slighl exaggeranon.
bUI we do pass it quite oflen 00 Our way to the "ideo
shop), I said we wen I there afier our ),og. class for herbal
lea and sruff like Ihal because there aren't that many places
II"" cater for veggies, He said be didn't know I was a
vegetarian 100. I .1111now.
nOllglu a lock for Ill)' bedroom 011the w,,)' home. If 1'111
going 10 ,call)' gel into m)' ),og., J can 'I live III fear ,h.1
Justin's going 10 bUTSIin 10 lake more photos. h destroys
my concentration.
Disha asked Calurn if be mel up with Elvin this morning,
and Calurn didn't know what she was on about, So
Detecuves Bandry and Pasld now know that meeting
Calurn was just a feeble excuse, Elvin was there 10 see
ME! I actually TINGLE when [ think of u.
THURSDAY I HBRUARY
I made my announcement about turning veggle at supper
ronigb; (last night we had sausages, which is one of the
few things the MC can actually cook properly, so 1
reckoned [ might as well have one lasl meal as a meal
eater). As per usual, I had 10 wall for Sigmund and his
wife 10 finish their argument, but as SOOnas they took a
break [ pushed my plate away and wen I for tt. "[ can't eat
this," i said. The Mad Cow turned her venomous gaze on
me and wanted 10 know why not. Iustin said he'd have u.
Sigmund didn't say anylhlng, because he'd already stormed
off 10 go 10 one of his groups (Sigmuod's gOI more groups
than Columbia Records). [ explained tim I had become a
vegetarian and would only be ealing fish, chicken. and
 ~
soya burgers from now On. "And you'll be cooking them
yourself 100," mooed the Mad Cow. "I'm DOLmaking
special meals for you." I pointed OUIthar her sister, Sappho,
was a VEGAN and she didn't have 10 cook her Own
meals when she Came round. The Mad Cow said I could
go and live with her. And they talk about teenagers having
auirudet
I was going 10 mention 10 Mrs. Kennedy lhat the twins
have been a little overacuve lately, BUI I [lever gOI the
chalice. As per usual, she was flapping all over the place
80 gelling ready and banging on about what a greal person
Sigmund is and bow lucky I am 10 have him as my
father, I always agree. I see no reason 10 burst her bubble.
fRIDAY 1 HBRUARY
Cinderella Bandry (Ihal's ME) was fixing herself a "eggie
burger for supper toniglu when the oven mill caugbt on
fire. I reacted immediately. (I was v imprcsscdt) Without
a second's hesitation. [ S\VlUlg around and hurled the nun
into the sink. This was obviously the most imclUgcnl Ihing
to do. but of course (he Mad Cow \V.lS in Ill)' way and the
mill hit her instead. You'd think I'd shot her (and excepl
for a liule singed hair she wasn't even hurt) , Now she's
cnanged her mind about me cooking my OWII food. Didn't
1 say she's menopausal? What more proof do you need,
I ask you? She's up one minute and down the neltt like
an oU pump,
I'think I'm starvmg In the clinical sense. The incident with
the Me and the oven miu distracted me so much that the
burger gOI burned and all I had for supper was vegetables.
II's like living on water. But I'm nOI giving up. The
Hendley has enough advantages wuh Elvin. I can't let her
have that one 100, And aU I had last night was a cheese 81
sandwich. I bad to SLOpal McDOnald's on the way 10
school this morning, I was feeling so faint, 1ale IWOboxes
of those chicken things (I couldn't eat duck-you know,
because ducks are so cute-but chickens aren't very
attractive so I reckon they're all righl). BUIcoming home
on the bus tonight was this depressed-looking giam
chicken (wearing Reeboks). and 1wondered if it was some
son of sign and started feeling guilty.
Disha says she was Once given a bag of baby carrots by a
giant rabbit On Parkway, She says he was really grubby and
there was even a Slain on one of his ears. She threw the
carrots a\vay.

SATURDAY J HBRUARY
Sigmund thinks my decision 10 show respect for other
animals and turn veggie is the sign he's been '''iling for
Ihal I'm not [ust gelling older; I'm growing up as well.
He's delighted 10 see me Ihlnklng for myself and accepting
responsibiliryfor my own life. (I don 'I understand why he
sounded so surprised.) Then he said th.. at least I was
81 doing better than the "bloody governmem." I bel the
bloody governmelll isn't '$ hungry as I am though. I
finished ofTthe shepherd's pic Mrs. Kennedyleft for the
twins' supper on Thursday before I remembered about
being a vegetarian, I reckon it's .11nglu though, because
she used mince and that doesn't really (OUIll as meal
either.
Dish. said the giant chicken wasn't a cosmic Sign.She sald
he stands in front of th.lI new chicken restaurant. h'lIlding
Out flyers. I said I didn't think he rcally was ,I chicken (he
was ,,,caring rraiucrst): l jusl thought maybe the universe
\\,.1SIr}ling 10 make Inc feel bad by pUlling him on III)' bus,
Disha said he was ill'! going to work, Which 1$probably
why he looked depressed, , Ih()nght .,houl th.I, and I can
definnely understand il. Whal must 'I be like, gelling up
every morning and puuing on this bright yellow chicken
suit, blowing tomorrow you're going to get up and do the
same thing. and the next day, and the day after llw . , ,
maybe for your whole life? (And I bet he's paid chicken
feed!) I will never lake a job as a giant chicken, no mailer
how desperate I am for cash.
Sappho carne over mis afiernoon with her new girlfriend,
Mags (she SCWlS nice), and Congratulationson Becoming
a Vegetarianpresenl for me. I was braced for some mort
feminist propaganda (never mind the winter solstice, for II
my birthday she gave me this huge book on the hislory of
me suffragettes-she couldn't expect me to read iI, SO I
reckoned I was meant to use it as a weapon), but what it
was IV,. this excruciatinglycool pair of purple combat
trousers. Sappho said that every woman should own a pair,
since they're in combat most of their lives, I would've
liked them a teeny bit darker, but last time I commented
on something Sappbo gave me, she look It back, so I kept
quiet. I mink Magsmust be a mellowing Influenceon
Sappbo.
Nan and Sappho are usually kept preuy much apart,
because Nan thinks lesbians are really un-Christian, and she
made sure Sappbo knew how she felt right from the first
 ~
lime they mel. which was al the parents' wedding. On
Ihal firs!. htsiodc occasion. Sappho gOImelodramatic and
SLOPped the band in midsong by loudly dernandlng 10
know why II was all righl (or Jesus to b"'g om wuh
whores but nor with gay people. On this occasion.
however. Nan gOIa lot of sympathy from Mags (or
her broken arm, which kept her happy. And even Sappho
was impressed with Nan's story (HORRIBLY
EXAGGERATED, of course) of how she nearly caughl
the perpetrator because of her traming in the war. Sappho
said Na.nwas a closer fcmintst, and even Nail laughed.
84
So anyway, we gOIthrough giving me my present and
showtng Magsthe flal withour too much trauma. BUIas
soon as we sal down (or lea Sappho started banging 011
about female sexuality (not thai anybody asked). It was SO
iris boring. Especiallyif you'\'e heard it all about six million
limes before. I was practtcallyasleep when Nan suddenly
shot to her feet. shouting, "I never bad one of those
Ihings. and it didn't do me any harm!" II was preuy
dramatic. with the sling and .11.I had no idea what
"thtngs" she \V,1$ lalking about. but she defintrelyhad my
aucuuon. Sappho pUI 011 her best professorof women's
studies voice and said, "Mrs. Bandry.arc YOII s,'YlIIgyou've
never had an orgasm!" This is not il word I've ever heard
spoken aloud In our kitchen before. (In facI, I reckon II'S
nOIsomething that's happened very often in our house. If
ever. The only sounds I've ever heard (rom the parents at
night are either arguments or Sigmund's snores.) I wasn't
alone, The Mad Cow spat the biscuit she was chewing right
acrossthe table. I thought she was going to choke to death.
Magsasked if anybody wanted more teo,
SUIDAY 4 HBRUARY
Disha and I went to Camden Market this afternoon, I gOt 85
my nose pierced! I've been thinking about it (or EONS
and today I JUStwent for it. Never mind the pain or
possible disfigurement. (EvenCatriona Hendley doesn't
have her nose piercedl) Disha iso't sure how she feels
about self-munlation. SO she just gOttwo more holes put
in each ear. We spent hours wandering around the marker,
It was well cool (aside from all Ihe wicked clothes, we saw
someone throwing up outside a pub, and someone else
being dragged off by the police). I bought this Chinese
skirt and these really cheap wind chimes (they're meant
10 be very calming. and whh Nan in the Ral I need all
the calm I can get, so I bought three). Dlsha left me on
my own while she went to gel some fried noodles since
I'm back on my diet lod.y. Eventhough I don't eat
 f
ANYTHING now tim I'm a vegcurtan I seem to have
gained two pounds! (0 says If crisps were made of pork
I'd be all righl.) Anywa)'. I was looking at the bowls on
one of the stalls when the bloke said 10 me, "So what do
you like?" I said I thoughl the blue fish bowl was nice. and
he said thai wasn't what he meant. 1 don't know why I
always smile when someone sal'S something I don't
understand, but th .. 's what I do. He smiled back, "WclJ?"
he said. "Eees ... weed. , . ? Maybe a hip girl like you
wants something. hule more exouc ... 1" I couldn't believe
it! II must be the nose ring. No aduh has ever tried to sclJ
86 me drugs before. Dish. was furious Ih.1 she missed it!
The only member of my f.mlly who noticed m)' nose ring
was Nan. She thought I'd joined. p.gan cull. She said
she'd always known something like this would happen.
Sigmund told her to put a sock in It: It was only a ring.
And then .11of a sudden Justin decided 10 join In. He
wanted 10 know If I realized th,ll the nose ring was a
symbol of slavery and servitude, For cows and pigs. I said.
Justin said for women tOO,Traditionally, If a woman wears
a nose ring it means she's owned by J man. I satd it was
no such thing: it was .. f.'shlon suremcm. He said I'd be
haVing myself circumcised next. (Sec what I mean by
stupid? It's boys who gel circumcised! Evcrybod)' knows
lhat!) If you ask 111e, Ins parents should have ihouglu
about how their son would be affected by the 1>vings of
a militant feminist during his formative years.
10lDIT S HIRDIRT
( couldn't believe it! I came out of art with Marcus
and there was Elvin! As soon as Isponed him, I started
laughing, even though Mucus wasn't saying mything
funny. It was brilliant! Elvin looked well surprised. He'd
come to see Mr. Belakts. (I can't believe Dish.l didn't find 11
out WI Elvin used to go to our school! She said I could
have asked him that myself when I was t.llklng to him the
other day. Always an excuser) Marcus wanted me to go to
the high street with him, but I said I had things to do after
school.
Later, I came OUtof the library jusr as Elvin walked past on
his way 0111. I said f thouglu he'd be 01\ his bike, and he
said he wished that he was. He said it was the only way to
travel In london, and I said 100 right. So when he asked
me if 1 had a bike I automarically said yes (not. rotaI lIe-
I used 10 have one: 1 just haven't had one for a while),
And GUESS WHAT? He asked me if I wanted to go
riding on the heath with him sometime! Do leaves grow
 ,
on trees? I don't remember much afier that, ahhough I'm
sure e\'erything he said was v intelJigelll and winy. Iknow
it sounds weird, but I almost wtshed he hadn't got on my
bus. I re.lly wanted to ring 0 and tell her .11 about it and
everything be said, etc. But then he sald he was dropping
by Carricna's on his way home, and straightaw.y I wished
he wouldn't get ofT.
You're not going to believe this, but Sappho says women
88
can be circumcised! 1 said but we don't have a penis, and
she said, "You really do live on your own planet, don't
you?" (Ha-ha-ha, right? You can see why no one's ever
accused feminists of 11O\1nga great sense of hurnor.)
Isaid well, we don't have penises, and she said maybe
it would do me some good to pa)' some attention when
people are talking to me now and then. Phoned Dish. and
she didn't know women could be circumcised either,
TUESDAY 6 HBRUARY
Because I made 01lC:Lillie COBUJlCnl about the nut curlers
she fcd me last night (and they really did taste like
cardboard), the Mad Cow Weill into one of her MEGA
mood swings. After she calmed down she gAveme thirty
quid to buy myself some vegelulan food. I said I didn't
know why she couldn't just pick up stulT for me wben
she's doing the carnivores' sbopplng and she said she bas
enough to do without trying to guess what I Want to eat,
ls that LAZY or what?
Disha went shopping with me afler school. Neither of
us bas been in a supermarket for EONS. It was pretty
horrifying. Not only is it as big as an airport termlnal. bUI
it was ABSOLUTELY PACKED with shoppers! Disha
said you'd think the)' were giving the food away, We
couldn't work out where oJI these people came from, Don't
.,
they have jobs? Don't they have lives? There's practically
.. whole aisle for crisps, a whole aisle for sweets, another
aisle for biscuits, and yet another Usle for breakf ast cereals.
No wonder the Mad Cow spends hours getting the
groceries. Dish. satd if she had to do the food shopping
she'd probably spend the resr of her life trying 10 decide
which packet of rice 10 buy. It took us an hour jusl to find
where they hide the vegetarian stuff. After that it was easy
since they hardly have anything, They've gOt more varieties
of pizza than vegetari .n meals. Then we had to queue
for another eon. And what thanks do I get for wastlng
precious hours of my life doing the Mad Cow's job for
 ,
her? NONE!!! She was all pissed ofT because I didn't
bring back .ny change: I reill)' should have a word with
Sigmund aboiu geuing her ou hormone replacemem
therapy, TI,,,
or Prozac, I don't see how I can be expected
10 live with her lack of rational thought.
WlDNISDAY 1 HBRUARY
I think Marcus thinks I like him (well. I do like him. bUI at
'0 the moment I'm no' sure how much). Marcus, David, Sara.
Lila. Nick, Disha. and me all went down 10 MCDonald's
afier school (I bad the fish thing. of course). We were
siuing by the window when who did I see coming OUl of
ihe 'ideo shop across the road? Calum and ELVIN! I
wasn't sure what EMu was doing outside McDon.ld's las,
spring rh.. nearly go, him busted. bUI I was prcuy sure he
wasn't queuing. And .11of. sudden it lUI me th.1 I
probably dldn'; want him 10 see me in MeDoll"ld's. even if
I wasn't c,lling hamburger. So 1 ducked under the table,
Marcus (who was siuing next 10 me) looked down and
asked Inc what I was doing. What I was doing ,11 thai \fer)'
moment was kneeling in some ketchup trying to unhook
n,y 110$C ring fronl his trousers without unhooking In)'
nose 3\ well. I dldn't \\'.).111 10 explain about E.IVII1. so) jU\l
said the first thing Ih.1 came into my head. Which was that
I wanted to give him a foor massage, And he said, "Why
don't you come back 10 mine and give it to me there?" in
a v suggestive way. I hope his mother can get the blood
out of his khakls.
Revolting glop is oozing frolll the hole In my nose. I don't
think this can be right. IJUSthope Id01l'1 have 10 be
rushed 10 emergency In the middle of the night.
THURSDAY I UBRUARY
TOTAL HUMlUATION! And it's all Mrs. Wisl'S fauh.
h was pissing down, so we gOt '0 SlaYin and play
volleyball. Whal treat ! 1told the old b.g 1 was feeling
crompy and wanted to go and get a pad, just in case, bUI
she wouldn't let me leave the class. "1 Ihoughl you had
terminal cramps last week, Janet. How can you be gelting
your period again?"She was well sarky. Catriona Hendley
laughed louder than anybody else, (Dish. says I should've
said that 1 was afraid of geldng hit on the nose by the ball,
Which would have been true. It already hurts like bell)
Anyway, I said that last week's cramps were a false alarm.
but she wasn't having any of u, Mrs. Wist forced
 .-
me 10 play, and of course I sraned bleeding like I'd been
srabbed-e-rtglu in the middle of rue ganle. II was so gross!
Blood was dripping down my leg. Everybody starred
shrieking. You'd think that with PE being 'he last class of
'he day, Mrs, Wisl would have leI me go home after Ihao,
10 avoid the rush, but OH NO, she lei me go and ge, a
pad and dean up and all, but then she made me Slay righl
10 rue gruesome end, I didn't want to go on rue bus
because I was feeling really stressed by thcu, so I went 10
Disha's '0
call 'he Mad Cow 10 come and ge, me. And who
do you think was siuing in the kitchen, eating a cheese
sandwich? Elvin! Who else? Of all the billions and billions
of people in the world-many of whom I wouldn't mind
seeing me traumatized and smelling like sornethlng
slauglucred-e-u had 10 be him. I would've swooned, but
I was on auromauc panic, This was my big chance! My
chance to sit dO\"H and have: a cheese sandwich with one
of the mOSIdesirable men in london while we discussed
'he merus of being vegetarian. Only I Couldn't Take II
because I fell so gross, J didn'r even say bello. I jus. turned
siraighl round and collided with Disha. I nearly trampled
her geuing out of the room. What a day!'!
Three Reasons Why Dish. Paski's "~(,,{JCI'I
-7'';I'/''/''
(I) She's ;,ue)ligeJ1I and loyal,
(2) We're into all the same Ihillgs,
(3) Disha laid, Elvin thar the reason I ran off like Iba.
yesterday was because I suddenly remembered it was
the afiernocn I worked in rue local Oxfam shop, lr was
a pretty bnlliant lie. She said he was suitably impressed,
being rue serious sort. I [ust hope he never asks me where
the shop I work in is. since I haven't a clue, Bxceptfor
when rue Me used 10 lake me 10 charilY shops when I was
liule and dtdn't know any better. I've never been 10 one in
my life. They smell. And also Siranee's stster's friend gO!
bugs from a .secondhand jumper once.
tJ
fRIDAY' HBROARY
I think I may start keeping a list of Most Unromantic
Sexual Encounters. Porget the garden shed and the back of
a car, Boris Becker knocked up some model ina broom
cupboard, I couldn't believe il euher, but it was OD the
radio so il must be true, He was in some well posh
Japanese restaurant. and between courses or something he
followed this model into the cupboard, and nine months
later he's. dad. Boris Becker! He's always dressed in while,
so you sort of think of him as good guy, I'm beginning
10 think Ibal if you're going 10 have a role model you
should probably pick someone who's already dead so they
 ""
can't disappoint YOIi.Disha says nOI 10 forge I Presidem
Climon when I sian my lis t, She says she knows power's
meant 10 be turn-on, but she doesn't think the Oval
Office with armed guards ourstde and all those phones
would pur her in the mood.
lila's parents are going away for" romantic weekend so
Lila's decided 10 have valenune p.lrty tomorrow nigb r.
despne what happened lasl lime. I wish Sigmund and the
Mad Cow would go away for a LONG romanuc weekend.
but even if they weren't AT WAR and ",Ighl possibly do
94 such. Ihing. they'd have 10 lake Nan with them, so there's
no use hoping. Marcus asked me if I was going 10 Ula's
and I said yes. of course-even though I have
NOTHING 10 we ar. He's going 10 pick me up so we can
walk over 10gClher. I said Ilia! was grear. l rold Dish. to
meet tiS at mine.
Disha's had a BRILLIANT Ide.! She thinks I should send
Catriona Hendley. valentine and make her think u's from
David. lila. who's .1 v good friend of Catriona's, wid Disha
Ih.ll Camona used 10 have the hots for David. bUI even
Ihough he hangs 0111wuh her a 101(because her paTenlS
own a heated pool and a snooker tablet}, he's never asked
her out. Thai should lake C,II";on.5 mind olT Elvin for
a bit. Disha said what we should do is wrue- a D on the
card. and then partly cover it over wlth a sticker so II looks
like be started 10 sign il and then tried 10 hide it. Then she
said we should send Oa\.;d one from Catriona 100. Disha
shows a remarkable ulem for subterfuge,
Even though my nose still looks a bil red and has a
tendency 10 leak, I went over 10 Disha' s this aflernoon
because Elvin was going 10 be there. I was "cry cool. ThJs
lime [ didn't run OUIof the kilcben; Ibis lime I sal down.
Elvin and Calum are going 10 make a film logether,
probably in the summer if everything works out righl.
(Apparently there's much more 10 malting a movie than
pUlting film in the earnera.) They talked a 101about II.
I think it's sort of. documentary about people. We fixed
toasted cheese sandwiches. Elvin and I made a great deal of
eye COOlaCI. He even asked me a couple of questions: why
I became a vegetarian. what my favorne subject is. nd if I
have a brother (because the meal industry is irresponsible
and motivated only by profit, which is what Sappho always
says; art and Englisb. but I wish we had a film course; and.
yes). He said be thought he'd heard of my brother. I told
him Ihal was virtually impossible. I'm well chuffed lh..
I had the sense 10 hide in McDonalds. even Ihough I have
no ide. how 10 gel ketchup out of my combat trousers.
 .,
David rang for a chat. As you know, I usually flirt with
David, bur I was still thinking about Elvin and didn't have
the energy. It's fUJUlY,isn't it? When you have no single
object of your desire, you can flin with anyone, bm as
soon as your heart begins to yearn to see that one face,
you lose imerest in the others. At least that's the way it is
for me. And also my nose really hurts. You don't feel like
flirting when your nose really hurts.
96 SATURDAY 10 HBRUARY
Weill shopping with Disha this afternoon, She wanted to
get something to go with her red skirt for the party tonight
(we reckon we can be exempt from the DP just lhis
oncc-e-afier all, even Great Artists and Writers do JTuIl ill
Lo/lt', even if it's only TRAGICALLY), l. of course,
could buy NOTHING. I have to save all my money for a
bike, and no one else would give me any. (Not even
JUStuI.He's left the photos of Jocelyn and Robert Bandry
so it's my word against his.) I
sleeping at Andrew's,
offered to do errands for Nan for a nominal charge, and
she accused me of betng worse than a moneychangcr in a
temple. I even med to borrow a renner from [ustin, but he
wasn't having it either, He said that I still owed him fifty
quid from the summer. I pointed out that I'd only
borrowed a fiver ihat time. He said it was fifty quid with
interest. (Rest assured, the skies over London will be
choked with pigs before he sees any of that!!!) Anyway,
Disha and I went to the West End. I was so distraught over
my poverty that I forgot to bring my mobe and Dish's
was at home charging, so she had to use a phone box to
ring her mother and lind Out what it was she was meant to
pick up for her. You couldn 'r even see out of the box,
there were so many cards plastered all over the glass. And
they're not like minicab cards (you know, name, phone 91
number, and maybe a drawing of a car). They're full-color
photographs with whips and stuff like that. Disha said she
doesn't know why they bother putting porn magazines on
the top shelf of the news agent's when the phone boxes
are wallpapered with the same sorts of pictures. She said
Sappho must never come to the West End, because if sbe
did there wouldn't be a box left standing. I asked Disha i(
she thought they were ALL prostitutes. or if some of them
really were masseuses and personal trainers. Disha said she
hoped 1 was joking. It was JUStthat there seemed '0 be SO
MANY. Dish. said well. there would be, wouldn't there?
You don't need any qualifications, you make more than
you would working in Woolworth's, and YOIldon', have
 "
to pay tax. All you have to worry about is nOIcatching
some fatal disease or being beaten up or murdered. I think
prosmuuon in general bas to go on my Most Unromantic
SexualEncounterslist. It makes the giam chicken job look
good if you ask me. There's obviously a lot more to sex
than you'd think. Or a lot less.
Walked past a bike shop On the way home. I couldn't
believe the prices! I could buy a motorized scooter for lhat!
Dish. said I should look for. secondhand one in toor.
98 When Sigmund saw the hole in my door where I tried '0
pur on the lock, he lost it completely. as per usual. Yadda
yadda yadda. It's hard to believe he gets paid to LISTEN
'0 people. I've never heard him keep his mouth shu. for
more than rwo seconds. He says I've TOTALLY ruined
the door and that now he'll have .0 get a new one-and
God Knows How Much That's Going to Cost. ( said to
make sure he got one with a lock.
( practicallyrubbed m)' fingers 10 the bone trying '0 get
the ketchup Out of my new trousers. but you Call still see
it, so ( bough. a boule of black dye to hide the stain. It
looks prelly easy. You jus. dump it all in the washing
machine.
SUNDAY 11 fEBRUARY
Marcus was late picking us up last night, which was just
as weU since I had to change FIVE times before I found
something presentable to wear. I tried on the Chinese skirt
I got in the market, but it rnusr've shrunk or something
because it was too tight. Dluo my pink Lycra.EvenDisha
said I looked like an overstuffedsausage. I can't possibly
be gaining weight, even though I'm not STRICTLY on
my diet anymore because I don't really ear anything but
vegetables.Finall),remembered the Me's black silk skirt
(mercifullyshe was out), which is both casual ani!
sophisticatedand went PERFECTLY with the bat top.
When Marcusarrived be was wearing a pink bow tie-and
carrying a single red rose. (Even Dishasaid he looked
prell)' good.) I acted overwhelmed. "For ME?!! Oh, you
shouldn't have!" He said. "Sweets for the sweet; roses for
the thorny." (He can be pretty funny.) Marcussaid that if
he'd known he was escorting two devastatinglybeautif'il
women to lila's and not [ust one he would've bought
another rose. He reckoned he could've gOta deal on two.
We were JUStabout to leave,when Davidturned up.
 ,.
(I forgol he also said he warned 10 walk over wlth me.)
David was wearing a red shin (no lie). but he had. rose
100 (Ihey must've been giving them away .. the end of
ihe road). I Ihink he Ihoughl Marcus's rose was for Dish.
because he whipped II OUIof my band and thrust II 01 her.
And then he gave me the one he'd brouglu.
II wasn't untll we gOI 10 Lila's that I understood why I'd
been SO PARTICULAR aboui what I was wearing. My
psychic self musr've been picking up messages from the
Earth Goddess because guess who was already there when
100 we arrived! Yes! Oh YES YES YES!!! Pate Is wuh me! II
was none other than Elvin Whatever-His-Name-Is. MI' heart
did a double Aip and the rest of the room faded around
him, I was glad the IIghliog was low, because I could fecl
myself blushing (which is something I usually only do
when 1'111 OUiin public with members of my famlll'). ElvlIl
was lalking 10 Catrioua. (Of course I She would've known
he was going 10 be there, wouldn't she? She's nor one 10
miss an opporumhyl II doesn't even have 10 knock. She
sees II comlug, opens the door. and hauls il in.) There
were a bunch of other people wuh them ,\I rhe back of rhe
room, I pretended not lO sec them and gave Marcus nly
[acket 10 stick in tbe bedroom. David said he'd do ii, ,Iud
whipped II 0111 of Marcus's hands. Marcus snatched II
back and marched ofT. \.vithin seconds. Elvin \\1.1$ conling
towards us (towards met). I was p"clic~y Vicooningrrillt
:Iloppin_, bur I didn't let II show. Snll acting like I
hada'r seen Elvin, I stood OS close 10 David as I could
wuhour actually bugging him. (If a bloke's interested,
he'Il be even more interested if he thinks be's not the
only one. I'm nOI sure where I read thai, but San Dancer
says it's true.) II son of worked. II was definllely a
V AWKWARD .1
moment, Only wasn't Elvin who
storied to bristle like a dog Ihat's IU$Iseen another dog-it
'vas David. I could feel him gel taller. And then Marcus
came back and latched himself on 10 my otber side. I fell
like I was wedged between IWORoman columns or 101
something. Elvin (being a sensitive Leo) musr've realized
that D and M were being all male territorlal because I've
been friends with thern for so long. because afier the usual
friendly greetings, instead of bringing up the bike ride or
anything like thai, be asked me if Marcus was my brother!
Marcus wanted to know if he looked like my brother. and
Elvin said he wouldn't know since he's never mel my
brother. Elvin and I Ihought tim was v funny. As soon as
Elvin went back 10 Ca"iona and her molley crew, Marcus
asked who he was. Then he mumbled something about
Elvin always hanging around, Disha and I watched Catriona
and David (subtly, of course) 10 see if Ihey made eye
contact or anything. AND GUESS WHAT? II was all
we could do nOI 10 laugh out loud! David kepi looking

over at hcr so much that be barely kept up with thc
conversation, and she cast more than one thoughtful look
his way too, I suppose it was just as well for everybody's
concentrauon that Elvin left early and Camona left the
room (though not the building, sadly). But despite the fact
that Elvin Icft really early and I didn't get. chance to talk
to him again, 1 had pretty good time. At Lila's Halloween
party the ouly person who danced with me was her cousin
from Glasgow, whose concept of dancing was to jump
straight up and down in the air like a Jack Russell. This
time, however, I had two boys to dance with=--usually, as
101 it turned om, together. They're both REALLY good
dancers, 1 found it very exhausting, though, so when
Marcus went into his John Travolta routine, and then David
went into his, 1 slipped away and sat down, It took them
EONS to notice.
Mr. Burl next door was backing his scooter om of his froru
gardeu as we gOt to my house. I dosed the gatc for him.
Then Marcus and David came in for a cup of rea. After they
left 1 told Dlsha how hostile Marcus and David were to
Elvin. Disha thinks they both thought they were going to
the party with me, 1 said she was mad, I'd remember if
one of them asked me our. Anyway. wh,ll about D.IVld aud
C~\lriona?Their eyes were drawn to each other like
magnets, Dlsha said she'd forgotton about David and
Catnona, So maybe it was JUStMucus after ill. 0 said it
would serve me right for proclic>lly licking his boots in
McDonald's the other day,
The MoldCow's ILl\~ng dinner with Sappho and Mags,
Sigmund's grouping (left-handed redheaded dyslexic
unwed fathers with one blue eye probably), and Justin's
gone Out, leaving me grandmother-sitting, AS PER
USUAL. Fortunately Nan's nodded off In front of the
lelly, so now's my chance to dye my combats without her
telling me how Jesus would do It,
10J
IOIDAY 11 fEBRUARY
Found the roses Marcus and David brought under the table
In the ball, still in their wrappers but >lready withered and
dead, .lou and lltilll. 1 reckon they're the IWO greatesl
themes in an and literature-as well as In life. And il
made me realize how short life really Is. We are all born
to die (I don't know if some poet wrote that line before
1 did, but I think u's pretty good). At least the roses had
their moments of beauty. (That'S more than my mother
ever hadt) 1 took a couple of pculs to press in my diary,
and then 1 chucked them in the bin.
 ,..
Last night I dreamed that I was at this barbecue (like in
Texas or somewhere like that). There were whole cows
rumtng over the coals. And you should've seen the
burgers! They looked like meteors! I was swearing when
I woke up. It's weeks since I became. vegeunan, and .11
I've had besides vegetables is fish and chicken (and thac
lillie bh of mince). And my parents think I don't stick to
.nything!
There must be somcrhuig wfong with the washing
machine, The combats didn't exactly come out the W,,),
104 thought. The trousers are brilliant, bUI the surchtng dtdn't
take the dye. so I've gOt these really cool BLACK trousers
with almost WHITE surching. It is v passe. And not
euctly my Im.ge.
TUHDAY B HBRUARY
The Mad Cow nearly gOI arrested in the supermarket for
nicking a birthday card that somebody left in her trolley
(at le.lst that's h" story!!!). Apparently there wasa MEGA
scene with the n",nager. and HUNDREDS of >hoppers
were l't,lIlding around warching. Signlund said con"idcl'ing
how much money she spends there each week they should
be giving her BOXES of free cards, DOtpersecuuog her.
The Me said it was nice of him to take her side for
a change. and they neuly got Into another row. (I'm
beginning to think that rowing's \Vh" they do instead of
having sex.) Justin said the MC was really unlucky to get
the only conscious security guud in london. Nan said she
should sue for defamanon of character (which, let's face it.
would be REALLY hard to prove). The MC says she can
never go back there again, in case somebody recognizes
her. I told her not 10 worry about that since nobody
I remembers what WOmen her age look like. And then sbe
got angry with ME!!! She says she hopes she's still alive 105
when I'm her age so at least she can die laughing.
D reckons I can cover up the white stitching on tbe
combats with. laundry marker. If you ask me. she should
consider a career in fashion. She has a real ulem.
YA1UTlirs DAY
To celebrate this day of 1:0I1t'. the boys who sit at the back
in Mrs. Gumpia's maihs class let loose a bunch of inflated
rainbow-colored condoms while Mrs. G was writing
on the board. She thought they were balloons. It was
 excruciatingly hilarious. Dish. said )'OU could bel that if
we'd had Mr. Plage!. he would've known what Ihey were!
I GOT MY FIRST VALENTINE! It was wailing for
me when [ gOI home this afternoon, It's one of those reaUy
nafTones with a red satin heart mmmed with lace. I 10\'e
il! [ pili it on my bureau SO the Mad Cow will sec it when
she patrols my room and know that someone loves me.
That should wind her up. Here she is. finishing her life as
a woman, and I'm just aboiu to begin mine. Due [ hope
that Illy secret valentine Is Elvin? W" that moment when
106 he smiled at me in Dish's kitchen the moment when he
thought, Lthink I'm 'Fu/linJrinLort' with J.n?
THURSDAY U HBRUARY
So whar's the FIRST Ihing [ sec when [ gel to school this
morning? Nothing less than Catriona and David chming
nonchalantly just inside the gale!!! Were they discussing
their valentine cards. one wonders! I g~lvCthem both .1
BIG greeting, and David gOt a distinctly pink tinge 10 hi'
complexion, as Ihongh I'd come across them snogging or
something. Naturally [ acted like I didn't notice. David did
eat lunch with us. but I'm Sure II WiS just til divert
suspicion. He was definitely preoccupied. and even though
Marcus bad the rest of us in stitches, David hardly cracked
a smile.
Since JlO one sem her. valenune. the MC bought herself a
boule of sparkling chardonnay. It didn't help her mood
any, though. She was all suky because [ was going 10 Mrs,
Kennedy's (is per usualt) and wanted to know if The
Womm ever myed home. I said what happeaed to Fem.te
Solicbrity and being supportive of single mothers? The Me
said maybe r should uk Mrs. Kennedy abom Female 101
Solidarity. God knows whit she was on abour. She really is
gong througb the CHANGE-from human to witch.
The Me musr've gone round 10 Sappho's for more wine.
because she wasn't in the flat when I got home from Mrs.
Kennedy's. Nan was asleep at the kitchen uble. She's nOI
gelling older; she's rurning into a cal. No mailer where
you put her. she nods ofT. Even in the middle of supper
(though not before she's said grace)! Disha says it's beuer
than her grandmother. Her grand mot her docsn'r remember
.nything unless It happened seventy years ago. She calls
Dlsha Paula and is always asking her if she liked the
chocolates.
 .,
fRIDAY 16 HBRUARY
Caught David and the Hendley with their heads together
in the library today!!! Made a point of going over to say
hello, Did David look EMBARRASSED or what? He
gave me some crap about history homework. Yeah. right.
like I \V,lS born yesterday.
108 The Mad Cow had another major IrolUma allMh tonight because
her whites came out gr.}'. Sigmund and Justin had
vanished. .5 per usual, and Nan was passed out in froru of
the ,elly (also as per usual), so she came s,raight for 111e.
She wanted '0 know wh .. I'd been doing in 'he washing
machine. "No'hing:' I said. "Washing clothes." She s'M,ed
waving a finger in from of my face. Hysterically. "Then
what's thls, Jane,' Wha,'s this?" she kepi shrieking, It WaS
black dye. She said if 'his was my clever wa)' of gelling out
of doing my own laundry. I could forget it, She slIgges,ed
I read ALL instructions before I did anYlhing. She ,aid if'1I
EVER happened again. she was going 10 send me to
Inclon{'~la co work in il faclory until I'd earned Cl10uRh It)
buy i\ new machine. She reckons il would lake nil ,'U1
Ihirl)'.
Everybody else had sp.ghelll Bolognese for .supper tonight,
but all I had was cheese sandwich because Nan threw out
the soya mince. She thought it was dog food and we don't
have. dog. How is it possible th., I'm related to these
people? I hope I'm not ge'ting anemic.
Found myself in the kuchen with my parents' other child
tonight. I was ignoring him as usual when he suddenly
told me I should give the MC a break. I said what? Her
leg? Her arm? Her neck? He said it's not a joke. Can't I see
the state she's in? I said it would be pretty hard for me '0
miss it, since I'm the one who gelS most of her shir. Thank 109
God, our conversaricn go, cut short by Sigmund barging
in. looking for 'he corkscrew (the Me was over a, Sappho's
.gain so he couldn't ask her). Iustln didn't even look .t
him; he jus, mumbled something about it being about
time ,hat Ijoined 'he human race, and left the room.
SATURDAY 11 HBRUARY
I woke up this morning looking like I'd been bitten by 'he
King Kong of mosquitoes. My whole nose is red now. And
swollen! The Mad Cow says it's infected and made me lake
the ring OUt.Thank God u's half-term or I migh' cod up
 going 10 school with b.g over my head like K~II. Iamers
did Ihal lime she dyed her hill pink and her father went
INSANE and SHAVED IT ALL OFF! Sappho gave
me one of her herbal remedies for my nose. Al leasl It
smells OK.
Since looking like somerhmg deformed has made it
impossible for me 10 go out in daylighl. I read another
COliI'le of pages of lh. Outsider and did some yoga. ( WaS
feeling In a pretty reflecuvc mood afier Ihal. so I wrOIC a
poem about being Here while everyone else is There. Dlsha
110 said il was v deep. which is what ( thought. So maybe It
was important for my nose 10 go septic for me to
assimilate what the DP has laughl me so far.
~UNDAY 18 HBRUARY (Sara Dancer's advice
about locked doors proves prophetic!!!)
Three Reasons Why I Hate My Brother:
(I) Hc's ugly and stupid,
(2) He tore up my hest coloring book when I was four.
(3) This .lfic",ool1 1 was practicing yoga to my new CD
(the c1ul1Iing docs help. lhough there's a bit when the)'
suddenly SlMt blowing trumpets and banging cymbal-, that
comes as a surprise the firsl time you heu: it) when the
stereo just Slopped playing. ( wasn't going to go through
all the bother of finding new fuse and pUlting il in and
all thu. so. since [ustin wasn't home, I went to his room
(otherwise known as the Bbck Hole) to borrow his
stereo. which is like going Into. house where someone's
just died of bubonic plague. His room isn't just unlidy-
it SMELLS. I couldn't sec his stereo. so, holding my
nose and trying nOI 10 gag or touch .nything with my
skin, I started kicking plies of clothes aside. And what do
you think I found? MY LEOPARD-PRINT BRA!!!
That's what I found!!! Me you revohedl Mulnply that by III
about a trillion and you'll know how I feIl! I picked il
up with my sleeve and brought it downstairs 10 show
the Mad Cow. (I don't want to think about what he was
doing with it!) The MC was less than horrified, She said
there's probably nOlhing unhe~thy abou; il (there is for
ME!). and thaI Sigmund will "have a word with Justin."
Well. thaI should help. (Sigmund never has less than a
thousand words with anyone, and Justin will stop
llstenlng completely after "talk 10 you.") And also she
refuses 10 buy me a new bra. She says rill being
melodramauc and ( should lusl wash it. She says il
probably JUS! gOt mixed up In the laundry. which is
another good reason we should each do our Own. I may
have 10 burn ir.
 There must be more to Sappho's plcklng-wOd-sage-when-
the-moen-is-full rom inc than Ithoughl. The swelling's
gone down and Illy nose has stopped acbing,
Disha was sulubly AGHAST when I told her what Geek
Boy did. She sal's it JUStproves th.t you never really know
anyone, not even the people who are closest to you, There
are .uways depths. D says it's son of scary when you realize
lbat EVERYBODY has a secret, Inner life. I said not
everybody. As the child of Robert and Jocelyn &ndry I can
say that with CERTAINTY, And as fat as JUSIingoes. I
III don't know if I consider nicking my bra a DEPTH
exactly. even if it is true Ihal I wasn't expecting it. It',
more like a Ct!SPO~01 Sh~IIDWI1tSS,
MONDAY" HBRUARY
(Half-term, Can I
use the break? 00 I need to breathe?)
Sigmund made Justin apologize for nicking Ill)' bra. If YOll
COUIlI unering one word ("Sorry") from behind a camera
an apology. Justin s.lid it was Andrew's idea. (Andrew is
the fourth reason I hate III)' brorhcr.) According to Justin.
the), just wanted to sec how it worked. What for? Arc they
planning 10 wear one? I'm going to make a list of ever)'
bra I Own so I can check whether any go missing In d;e
future. .
The Mad Cow and Nan were all atwitter when I gOI home
from Disha's this afiemoon. I reckoned there musr've been
another excruciatingly exciung incident in the supermarker,
so j wasn't really Jl<lyingauenuon till 1 hurd Nan say
thai sbe thought il mighl be a good idea if we set up
neighborhood watch. Nan said she doesn'i know what the
world's coming to. In her cUy (like she can remember thai
far back!) people looked OUIfor each other and knew how
10 lake care of themselves. 1 thoughl Sigmund musr've had tlJ
another car stereo nicked (number five!), but it turned OUI
t1at Mr. Burl next door was robbed. Scmebod y look his
scooter last Saturday night! My mobe was chuging, SO 1
raced to the kitchen phone 10 tell Disha thai we'd actually
wi messed a robbery in progress. Disha said hadn't she
said Mr. Burl looked like he'd tosr some weighl? 1said no.
(I cenainly don't remember that.) She Ihoughl maybe the
police would Willi 10 question us. The only person who
wanted to question me was the Mad Cow. She'd been
Iislening to my whole conversation, of course (I couldn't
have less privacy if I lived in a doorway). The MC was
HORRIFIED dial I actually so w someone going ofT with
Mr.llurl's bike and didn't say anything. 1 asked her what
she wanted me to say. Anyway. how was I meant to know
 it wasn't Mr. Burl going for a moonlit ride?"!t was dark,
She said she hoped I realized that at some point in time
I was going to have to take up residence on Earth, and
advised me .gainst going Into any career that required even
an insignific.nt amount of thought.
JUUDAY 10 HBRUARY
Another v illleresting day!!! Well! shopping for general
114 maintenance supplies (shampoo, conditioner, crc.), and
who should I SP)' with my Iiule eye but Catrlona and
David: They were coming out of the record shop near the
tube. They weren't holding bands, but tbey were walking
V CLOSE!!! I re.illy am a creature of impulse, because I
suddenly decided to foUow them. They strolled along juSt
looldng in windows for a bit, and then they went into
woonc's. Agent Bandry right behind them. Woolte's was
crowded and it wasn'r e.>.Sy10 keep them in siglu and slay
Out of sighl .1 the same time. I was Sidling pasl the kuchen
stuff when I realized David and Catriona weren't the only
ones being followed!!! I \V", being closely observed by a
youngish man in .1 Nike sweatshirt. I dived clown rhe
sweets aisle. and he popped up at the other encl. I knew
inslantl)' that i1 wasn't lust or ,lnydling like that. though
He had undercover security guard written .11 over him, The
wt thing Iwanted was 10 follow in the f~leps of
Jocelyn Bandry and get accused of shoplifting, Especi.illy
with the Hendley about (spreading sensational news stories
is in ber blood .fter all), Isuppose Icould sinlply have
left, but I didn't lhink of that until later. Instead I was
attacked by genius once .g.in! I went straight to the
manager and told him a pervert was following me around
the store. Nalurally, the manager didn't want to admit that
it was the store detective, so we got into a v intense
discussion . Perhaps acting is my real calling. because
I definitely gOt into my role of ViCllmized and Innocent 115
Young Woman Alone. The man.ger finally offered me a
five-pound gift voucher to appease me, which I generously
accepted, The downside was Ihat by the time 1returned to
my quarry they were gone. DecIded to save the voucher
for NUl'S birthday.
Came home to find the female parent IN MY ROOM!
She was lying on my bed! I was highly indignant, I can tell
you. Not only was this. MNOR breach of my privacy,
but her eyes were all red and she was sniffling like she
WaS coming down will, somelhing, She'd bcuer nOI be
infecting me with her germs. She said she was taking
a break from Nan, but I know her beuer than that. She
knows I got a diary for the winter solsuce. and she
 probably wants to read what I say about her (thongb I
can't il11.lgine why. since even SHE 11111St
realize it isn't
going to be good!). Time for a move!
SignllU)d and Nan had an argUtllent toniglu. For a change!
This one was about war as a method of settling differences.
Sigmund doesn't think it's what Jesus would do. Nan said
the Bible said an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.
Sigmund said it also said tum the other cheek. Nan
stomped off muttering that the Word of God is the Word
of God. and Sigmnnd shouted after her. "Even when It
11& contradicts Itself?" The Mad Cow told him if he didn't StOP
winding Nan up she was going to kill the two of them. 1
know she was only kidding, but Dlsha's words from the
other day came back to hauru mc. and 1stared at her for a
few seconds like I'd never seen her before. Maybe D's right
and EVERYBODY-e"en !II)' mother-has an inner.
secret self. Maybe. deep down in her inner. secret self.
Jocelyn Bandry (primary school teacher and graduale of the
St. JolUl Ambulance firsr aid course) really would kill
someone. People do, don't they? You see. il on the news all
Ute lime. The neighbors arc always well shocked. Usually
it's a man slatlghlcring his wife and children. but it could
go the other way. couldn't it? And even if the. Me's not
serial killer w~ililtg 10 happen. lots of housewives go imo
prosuuuion for extra 1l10nC)'[rhis is welt documented in
films and TV programs). And there was this suburban wife
and mother in America who it turned out was wanted by
the FBI for being a terrorist in her youth. 1know none of
these seem like.ly for my mother. bur it did make me think.
J musr've gOtlost in my thouglus because she suddenly
started shrieking, "And what are you looking at?" So 1said I
was [ust wondering if she rcollyhad the potential to murder
someone. and she said nOI 10 provoke her. I beat a hasry
retreat. but I couldn't stop tlJinking about how you never
REALty know ANYONE. It's all through Iueramre and
history. &trayal. Treachery. Deception. It:S even in comic
books and films. for God's sake! After a while. though. I 111
got really lind anddrprrsst1ithinking about all this so I.went
and watched telly with Nan for a while. but her soap was
pretty RiFE wnh betrayal and deception too (who knew
the Dark Phase was going 10 be THIS dark?!!), so I rang
Disha, D says Shakespeare was totally obsessed with
treachery. betrayal, and deception. She says it just 'proves
we really are probing the DEPTHS of human experience.
She says now she TOTALLY understands that poem abour
ignorance being bliss. And I said our @fblltr musr be even
3)""fH'r 1111(/JltOll' C;"olit:t! than we Ihought. D agreed.
Now I feel oddly at :Pl!ON:. I reckon we've reached another
<1 spiritual plareau!l!
 WlDHlSDAY 11 HBRUARY
justin has a black eye. He won't say how he gOI it.
Probably walking into a lamppost or something. He's
always hurting himself (lasr time it was. broken ankle).
NOI only is he the clumsiest Ihing on IWOfccl. bUI he,
practically comatose most of the lime. Sigmund said he
hoped justin wasn't doing anything dangerous. Uke wbat?
Eating hamburgers? Crossing against the light? (This isn't
exactly the young Indiana jones we're talking about here.
justin hasn't even ridden a bike since he was hit by a
118 police car.) Nan said thank God he wasn't bun worse, and
the Mad Cow muttered something about nothing being
more important than human life (.Ithough I can think of
several things th.t are more important than Justin's life).
THURSDAY 11 HBRUARY
Made another aucmpt at l11ystory for rhc school nhl& rhis
morning, bUI writing is A LOT harder than it looks, I WaS
pretty relieved when D,wie(rang U(). He was bored 100. So
in rbc end I hung 0111wllh MMCII s. David, $II',IIICC.Disha,
etc . t David's. I look Ihe opponunuy 10 try and gel some
Information out of hun about \\that':. h.'ppcning wuh
Carrion. when we had few minutes alone, I suried out
by asking him if he gOt .ny valenunes and he actually
blushed! Busted!!! (It was reaUy tldifW'1 ond GntiMring.
Like when )'OUsee some guy built like an American
football player with. baby. I don't know why ti,", should
seem so S\veet-I see dozens of women with babies every
day and all I think is that's their youth and figure gone,) I
said I gOl one 100, to encourage him, and he didn'l say
anything. Then I asked him who he thoughl his was from.
and he smiled (he has one of those v auractlve lopsided
smiles) and said he had an idea but he wasn't going to say.
I was about to start wheedling when the others came back. 11'
Better luck next time.
Dish. said did I notice that Marcus and David seemed a
bit cool to each other. and I said no, D said REALLY?
[ asked her if she was trying to make some polnr. and she
said no. she was just saying because the DP has got her
into the habit of thinking and noticing things. I reminded
her that we're meant 10 be nOlicing things with profound
Significance. nOI mundane details.
I've spent. lot of the half-term going through all the
posslbtlines, and I really thmk my valentine must have
been from Elvin, It was 100 soppy for Marcus, And I
KNOW I'm righl about David being nuercstcd in the
 Hendley. Who else is there! This Is the first'time anyone's
scm me one, and it's the first time I've known Elvin, The
logic seems prelly irrefutable to 111e. So, since he obviously
is interested in me (having more or less solidso), I've
decided to be one of those new women )'011're "'w.ys
reading about in the color supplements and not wait for
him '0 ring me about the bike ride. After .11, maybe be
forgot. He is a filmmaker. You wouldn't expect Spielberg
'0remember he once asked ),OU'0 go on bike ride,
would you!
110 I don', ,hink being twins an be huhhy. Either S&S don',
speak 10 me a' .U bee.. rse Ihcy live In rhelr Own linle Twin
World, or Ihey won't shut "I' and 1.lk in stereo. Tonight
thcy were banging on aboiu their father og.io. Apparently
he's bigger than my father. stronger than my fatber,
cleverer than my father, and even beuer looking than m)'
father. God they're cxhausung: J ask you, who would be
yOWlg? How tedious and infanulc their minds are, I tried
to ignore them. After all, J couldn't rcaUy argue with
them-they are mere children-MId, .nywa)'. since I've
never met their dad (because he', been Inside all the time
I've known Mrs. Kennedy) they may be right ,ISfJr ,15 I
know. (The DJ>is .150 helping me develop an open mind.)
Then Shane said their dad could bear m)' dad up, and
Shall" said 100 righl. I asked Ih(~111why he would \\'.)111co
do that. and they said BECAUSE. Could I ever have
been like that? It really doesn't seem possible. Sigmund was
still up when I got back. so J told him how weird they've
been lately. I reckoned, since he's Mrs. Kennedy's therapist
and ..II, he'd be interested. and he was. He went into this
long yadda yadda yadda about the w.y twins relate. and
their imaginations. and bow you can't re"'ly believe much
they say. especially twins who have been through as much
as Shane and Shaun and have to pretty much make up
father. And he thinks I talk. lot!!! As per usua], I was v
sorry I'd broughr il up. I said oJ.1 I re"'ly wanted to know
was if he t.hougbt they could be on medication. SigmWld 01
said the only person be suspects of being on mediation is
me. You can see what I'm up against. And he expects me
to have serious conversations wlth him!
FRIDAY H FEBRUARY
Since the McDonald's incident. I've been reluctant to hang
Out wuh the boys anywhere too public, just in case we run
into Elvin (which. with my LUCK, would be bound to
happen). because even though It does men good to think
that other men are interested in you. I don't '\,iU\I to
overdo it. You know. I don't want It to backfire and
 actually DISCOURAGE him. But tooay" broke down
and said I'd go to the bookshop with David, He said if I'd
finished the Camus, he could recommend sOlllething else,
h was a tricky situation. If I said I'd finished The Outl.JcrI'd
have to tell him what I thought of it, but if I sard I hadn't
he'd think there was something wrong with me since it's
not exactly LONG. BUIthen GENIUS struck: I told him
I'd finished it bUI was going to read it again, so I could
fully appreclare all its subtleties. J said I didn't feel I could
discuss il after jusl one reading, He seemed v impressed,
No sooner did 1 hang up than Marcus rang. Whal was I
III doing. yadda yadda yadda? I said I was going 10 the
bookshop, so he said he'd come tOO,Then it occurred 10
me that 1 could EASILY bump into Elvin in a bookshop,
so I asked Disha if she wanted 10 come 100. When we gOt
there D"'id was preny quiet. but I reckoned Ihat was
because he was in lileruy mode (you should've seen ihe
book he boughl-h's thick as a brick!). Anyway, Marcus
was in good form so we had some laughs, And we didn't
meet Elvin.
My gooomood evapomcd almost as soon as I gOl III rhe
flat. The MC was in my room AGAIN! This lime she said
she had a mlgr,Iinc (which mighr'vc had a shred of trurh
in n. since she didn't exactly look like a piece of ,Ht) anel
il was the only place she could lie down in (flriro<yand
:P~~, 1 said what about Justin's room; he'basn't sold his
bed, has be? And listen to wl~t she said!!! She sald Justin
needs SPACE because of his phOtograpby, And what
about me?!! I'm an artisl, or maybe writer. I said bow
am I ever going 10 fimsh my Story for the school rmgazine
if I don't have any PRIVACY AND PEACE? And then
YOIl know what she sold? She said J, K, Rowling wrote the
first Harry Potter in a cote so she didn't see what I was
making such a fuss about!
0)
SATURDAY 14 HIRUARY
Is this injustice or wh.t? Appuently, when JUStin gOt his
black eye he also lost bis new camera. And is Justin being
punished for this carelessness] Is he being tre.. ed like a
pariah? Is he scorned and grumbled a, and told OVER
AND OVER how much things COSIand bow no one's
ever going to buy him anl'thlng again? NO. HE ISN'T!
He's been bought another camera! Sappho's right. There is
no equality between men and women, NOI in tlus house at
le..lst!!!
 SUNDAY H HBRUARY , ..
Finally gOt around (0 hanging my wind chimes outside m)'
bedroom window. They're absolutely bnlliam: I lie on Illy
bed. looking up at the glow-irHhe-dark stars On the ceiling
and listening to my chimes as though I'm camping in 'he
Himalayas, watching the night S~l'and hearing 'he temple
bells ringing in the distance. As someday, perhaps, I will!!!
(Must check Out what the scorpion situation is in the
Himalayas before I go, though.)
114
MONDAY 16 HBRUARY
A black star hangs over me' The curse of a whole coven of
witches envelops J11C! You doubt that? WeH. gues.s what's
happened now: l'm the bold. innovatlve trendsetter who
has her nose pierced and gets a dangerous tnfecnon as a
result-and Catriona Hendley goes aud gets a ring put
through her lip like she invented body piercing! (YOIl will
notice ihar she did it DURING HALF-TERM-
probably on 'he nrs' day!!! That way, if it went septic and
her lip swelled up like a zeppelin. no one would ever
know. Talk about drrr~lionand Irrarhrl'Y,I'm sure if Wllllam
Shakespeare were to come hack to life and run inro
Catriona Hendley on the high street he'd think she was
Lady Macbeth in a short skirt and knee-higli boots.
"Gadzooks!" he'd cry. "You're back!") Everybody was
hanging around talking about Catriona's lip before the bell.
I told them about facial rings being a sign of slavery and
oppression. I said I look my nose ring our as soon as
t found out. Catriona said she reckoned lips nngs were
differeru. She said she wasn't really sure about kissing with
it though, Someone said he'd be bappy to help out if she
wanted to practice, and everybody laughed, Including
David. He's obviously a better actor than you would have
tliought! It's good news about the kissing though. That 115
should slow down her moves on Elvin a bit too.
JUHDAY 21 HBRUARY
Disha had some V DEPRESSING NEWS. Elvin came
by hers last night with Catnona Hendley! How could he
do ,h.t? I feel as if. someonc's Rollerbladed across my
heart. He knows Disha's my best friend! Did he think I
wouldn't find OUl? That I wouldn't be excruciatingly burr?
That the ,;J{ope.r'!/Jlty.tove wouldn't be dashed agains,
the craggy rocks of Catriona Hendley's common good
looks' Disha says it wasn't like 'hey were holding hands or
 anything, He juSt brought her along because they're such
OLD friends and he wanted to show her his award-
winning documentary on cats, which (apparently) he left
with Calum, 10m not consoled. That's how these things
start, One day they're joking around like brother and sister,
and the next he's sticking his tongue down her throat,
WEDNESDAY 18 fEBRUARY
116 I think justin must have a girlfriend because a girl called
asking for "Just" (I was so surprised I said, "just WIUl?"),
and when I asked him who it was, he said, "No one"
(which is pretty ironclad proof if you ask me). The Me
says I'm getting carried awa), by my vivid imagination (as
'1511~!!!),
She says this girl's probably just a friend, She sa)'s
justin has lots of female friends. Strange bur tnte!!! Gcek
Bo)"salways had lois of girls hanging round him, but
he's never gone Out with any of them, I said J reckoned
it must be time that changed. Why else was he nicking
Illy underwear And. an)'\\I,)', as hard .15 it ntight be to
believe th.t ANYONE from the human species could be
interested in lusun, there was somcrhing in this girl's voice
that sounded POSSESSIVE-and also sllggest~dSEX
(md if that isn't a thought to sober up every wild pany
in London, [ don't mow what is), I mow (rom waiting
"' mporLS, etc., that some of the most unauracnve people
imaginable find pannus (look no further than the parent
8mdrys for proof!!!), so I think we have to accept that-
thougb grossly improbable-It Is not impossible that a
female migbt be interested in my brother, She's probably
right tan.
fRIDAY 1 MAR(H III
Went to Disha's after school (again) hoping J migbt run
into EMn but he wasn't there. The good news was th.t
Calum wasn't there either, I had mother attack of genius.
MaybeCalum had Elvin's phone number written down
somewhere. Disha said looking in Cahan's room for Evin's
number was a waste of time. (Was I mad? He's a BOY,
for God's sake. Did I think he kept an address book?) But I
was convinced it was worth a try, Sbe was right about the
address book, but Calum, being a Serious Filmmaker,does
keep a notebook! It was in his desk, Elvin's number is
written on the inside cover, Dlsha said it was too bad
Calum didn't keep a diary. She'd give her red leather jackct
 (which, obviously, she LOVES) to read if: I said that
even if Juslin knew how to write, [ wouldn't want to read
his diary. I'd be afraid to. Knowing the superficial justin
B.mdry is creepy enough without finding out his dttjlfll
Stmls. Oisha $,lid yeah. but think of the v interesting bess
we could make each other about what we would find in
our brothers' diaries. Disha said she bet Calum is seeing an
older woman. [ bet her that justin has boils on his bum,
We laughed so much we though' we were going to ga.sp
our last!
118 We found two other V INTERESTING things in
Calu111's desk: DRUGS (there was a lump of hash in a tin
on '01' of his notebook) and ELVIN'S MOVIE (Pun
LDl't-a film by Elvin A. Zagary). We debated what to do
about the dope for about half. second, and then we
decided that It should definitely be POft of our intense.
cxpenence-seektng Dark Phase. so Disha hacked. bit off
with Calum's Swiss Army knife and wrapped i, up in few
of 'he Rizla.s,hat were also iII the till. She hid it under the
rug in her room for future use. Then we watched Eh'in's
movie. It really is about cats(!!!)-feral cats and the people
who feed them. I have to say that I learned A LOT from
it. You wouldn't believe how many people there arc
skulking around with tarrier bags of Cat food and bowls
and stuff, 0 said she not only found It "Is depressing, but
she also fclt she now knew more than was necessary about
the relationship between loneliness. madness. and felines.
I, however. found it a disturbing but V MOVING 'lid
thought.provoking commentary 00 our times.
SATURDAY J MAR(H
Awake half 'he night worrying about where [ can hide my
diary. I've been keeping it in my laundry basket, under my
dirty clothes, but lt doesn't scent very secure. (With her
mood swings. the MC could suddenly decide to do the
lot herself, never mind what she said about Dot being
anybody's slciwy.) I dOD', know why [ didn't thin.I: of
it before. r mean, not only have I got the Mad Cow lying
on my bed and snooping round when I'm DOthome. but
I've got justin bursting in whenever he feels like i, to take
pictures 'lid Dick my underwear and Nan wandering in
when she forgers where 'he 100 is. It's llke King's Cross
Station at rush hour, It goes without saying that NONE of
these people respect my righ' to privacy. And also. ill case
you haven't noticed, Sigmund sull hasn't gOt me my DeW
door, Unless i rip up a floorboard, I can't think of any
 place that's REALLY safe to keep m)' diary, I have
tempo.. ril), moved it to my closet, under a pile of stulTed
toys. Eventhe MCdoesn't go in there since the time she
opened the door and was buried under an avalancheof
clothes, (Well, where did she think I was going to put
everything? If it would all hang in the closet, it wouldn't
have been on the Aoor, would it?)
SUNDAY 4 MAR(H
110
I DID ITI!! I rang up Elvinand asked him when he
wanted to go for that bike ride, (Thank God he answered
the phone, I've had just about enough of mothers! I'm not
sure I could cope with another one, even if she is the
woman who gave birth to such a remarkable son.) Elvin
said we couldn't go today, because it's raining, So NEXT
SATURDAY, weather pernumng. I'm a little wary of
trying. weather spell since obviously neither 0 nor I have
enough .Ptytr~(1I11{ ;i)tit'(I()' in which to make one. M.'ybe
I should get Nan to ask Jesus to make sure it's not plsstng
down,
Had ;I v imensive self-Improvement day in prcparauon
for next Saturday, I even read Sigmund's ObIin''' so I'll
know what's happening In the world if it comes up in
CODVeTS4tiOD. (I reckon 1don't actually need io read up
on the cinema, even though it's Elvin's greu passion, since
I've been watching films from before 1was born.) And also
1 bought a jazz CD (MQStm of MocklD),
partly because jazz
is the music of tbe intellectualand panly because il was
v cheap, I even did TWO sessionsof yoga! [ felt
absolutely brilliant afterwards. but nobody tells you that
yoga makes you fan, do they? You wouldn't believe bow
much NOISE can come out of one body. How can
people do it in a class? It must smell Ukeany room Justin
and Andrew have been in for more than five minutes. [ 1)1
reckon thai's wby tbey burn Incense.
10lDIY S IIR(H
Latefor school this morning because 1 feUback to sleep
when [ was doing my yoga (lying dead still is v rel..tiDg!)
and the Mad Cow didn't wake me because she was busy!
What SOrt of mother is so busy she forgets her own
child?!!(What am1 going to do If 1 DO turn Into my
mother? How will I ever live wuh myselR)
 . hand!) when (WO more boys came up beh~d me. On.
JUHDAY 6 MARCH
rYE BEEN MUGGED! em you even believe II?
I HAVE BEEN MUGGED! IN BROAD
DAYLIGHT!!! I hne '0 sa)' u. but Nan's riglll, Wha.
IS the world coming .o? Here's what happened, I wen.
10 see thts bike that was advertised in Loo.afier school.
11'$ no. exacdy stare of the an (i.'s white, pink, lilac, and
Bl rust) , but i. was only twenty quid (which seems '0 me
reasonable price for something you have .0 pedal), I rook
the overground af.er I bough r the bike because II was
MILES away and there was no way I was gelling .11
S\veal)' riding II home, I was talkmg .0 Disha ou Ill)'
mobe as I came 0111 of the train station, (til..s NEVER
allowed .0 have another pm)' because this tune someone
threw up in the ficus, They'd covered it up with dead
leaves, bu. Mrs. Ienkius smelled u.) Wc were tr)'ing '0
work out who the mysterious barfcr nliglll be, I had 10
stop for a second .0 ge. Ill)' hearings. and then I went
len .hrough the tunnel. That's when lt happened. Two
boys were (;onting towards IHe, and [ had to swerve a hi!
.0 avoid running into them. The bike SO," of wobbled,
and I was dealing with that (not eas)' with onl)1 one
grabbed my mobe and the other gave me a shove. J (are
my best tighlS, The strip), ODes Sappho gave me for my
birthday. I was so traumatized by fallmg over with the
bike and all tha., I dtdn '( even know my mobe was gone
until ['d calmed down, No one came over '0 help me up
or mythiug, of course (his Is definitely (he age of
selfishnessl!'). And (he irony Is th .. I could have been
saved, David wanted '0 go '0 Ihe library (0 work on our
English project, but I said I couldn't. Well, I couldn't, I
HAVE (0 have a bike by Saturday or I'm really gomg (0
have a problem. Bu. if I could have thai moment back, In
I'd make David come wlth me (0 see (he bike, I'm sure
he would've done it. He's very accommodaung.
Imusr've aught her on one of her UP swings, because
the Mad Cow was ucruoalingly sympathetic about my
mugging. She wanted (0 (ake me for an x-ray. And she
wasn't even mgry about me losing my phone, She iUS!
kepi SO)'ing,"You poor thing, . , Are you sure you're
all right?" over and over. Nan trted '0 cheer me up by
reminding me tha. God Works in My<lerious Ways. [ustin,
of course, was his usual insensitive, uncaring self. He said
I was the only person he knew who'd fallen off a bike
wuhout ever gelling on u. I said al lea$1 I hadn't ridden
in front of a police car. I wasn'r as stupld as .hal.
 Justin had three phone calls 10nighl-aJld"lhey were ALL
FROM HER!" The Mad Cow answered the first lime, I
answered the second, and Nan answered the third. Nan
has no shame, so she asked her what her name is. You
won't believe Ihis!!! It's Berhsheba!': I knew she couldn't
be NORMAL andinterested in the Bandrys' other child.
I usually spend some time before I fall asleep imagining
all the brilliant dungs thai are going 10 happen 10 me
once I've lefi secondary school. but last nighl I spenl
it wondering what Bethsheba could possibly see in my
brother. I know girls are different 10 boys. Boys see a short
B4 skirt and a big pair of lils and they go into meltdown.
(I think it has something 10 do with male hormones. bUI
Sappho says it's because men Can see better than the), Call
tlunk.) Girls, however, are auracted by other Ihings. like
intelligence. talent, character. and personality. But Justin
doesn't possess intelligence. ralem. character. Or person alii)'
any more than he possesses looks, for God's sake. J reckon
Bethsheba either lost a bel or is a nymphomaniac with no
standards whatsoever,
WID.ESDAI 1 MARCH
MEGA trouble at the Rancho Bandry!!! When I gOI horne
from school loday the Mad Cow had a surprise for me,
She'd decided 10 GIVE ME her mobe. She said she never
used iI, so she didn't see .IlY reason wJIYI shouldn't have
hers. I tried 10 talk her out of it. I said I was preuy shaken
from the auack and wasn't sure if I wanted 10 walk around
with something Ibal was so popular with thieves. As per In
usual, sbe paid ABSOLUTELY no artennon 10 me. She
said as long as I was careful and paid mention 10 where
I was she'd actually feel beuer about me going OUIon my
own if I had her phone. She went 10 gel it. She was gone
for eons. I crossed my fingers and sipped my lea. Maybe
she'd 10lally forgotten where she'd pill it. She hadn't, She
returned in screaming mode. "Where's my phone? Did
you lake my pbone? Did you go through my things? How
would you like il .if J went through your things?" (As if.
righl?!I) Yadda yadda yadda. I didn't break down though.
I've been her daughter for sixteen years: I know how 10 do
il. I just kept saying that I bad no idea what she was
lalking about. What could she do? She's 100 lazy 10 dust
for fingerprints. The whole lime this was going on, Nan
 was sound asleep at the kitchen table. She'only woke up
when the MC started screaming that it was her phone I lost
yesterday. "Tell the truth, Janel. II was my phone, wasn't
it," she kept shrieking, "Trust in the Lord!" cried Nan. The
Mad Cow said He was probably the only person in this
house you could trust.
THURSDAY 8 MAR(H
06 Disha, being of a v thorough (and, 10 be honest, less
crearive) nature. thinks it would be a good idea for me
to tryout my new bike BEFORE the weekend, bUI this
seems a little reckless to me, I mean, what if I do get hit by
a police car? (If you belong 10 a family like mine, you
realize at a young age that you haven't exactly been born
under a lucky siar.) It would be bad enough if I had an
accident oft" my ride with Elvin, but I don't wanrto be in
traction when I should be with him, I reminded Disha that
YOIlnever forget how to ride a bike, no mailer how long
it's been, That's a facr. She said she reckons il really is a
fact, since her grandn10ther can', remember where she is
most of the time, bill last summer at the family barbecue
she jumped on some child's bicycle and rode all over the
garden. singing.
The MC was still up and in one of her antH ..~rs, Kennedy
moods wben I got back from baby-siuing toniglu. She
wanted 10 know where I'd been till nearly midnight, and
I said across the read-s-where did she think I'd been? She
said she thougbt Mrs, Kennedy, having children of her
own, would realize that Thursday is a school night, Then
she wanted to know if she was usually drunk when she
came home in the middle of the night like this, Did she
say where she'd been? Did she go OUton her own or with
friends? (I really think the MC musi've played a v key role
in the Spanish Inquisiuon in one of her previous hves.)
I said so now you're Mrs, Kennedy's mother too. She said 1J1
no, she's jusl my mother and thai's hard enough, I pointed
Olll Ihat paranoia is also a symptom of the menopause, and
she said nOI to forget that infanticide is 100, I said u's
lucky she doesn't have an infam then, and she said thar's
nOI what il means,
fRIDAY 9 MAR(H
Marcus rang wan ling 10 know if I fancied going to the
cinema at the weekend, I said Disha and [ were planning 10
see that Chinese film on Sunday and he could come along
if he wanted, Then David rang with the same question, so I
 invited hlm to C0l11C along too. t conslder'Ibts \I fortuitous!
II could be my chance 10 find out whar's happening with
him and Carnona.
Spent HOURS blacking in the siltching on my combats
with a marker, as suggesled by O. They Are the absolutely
only Ihing I have lhal' s rlghl for cycling 011 the hcnh
(excrudalingly cool. bUI practical al the same time). And if
I do sa)' so myself. Ihey look well wicked. ('m also wearing
the bat 101' Dish. gave me (panly because I ADORE it.
and partly for luck). I doubt Ihal ('II sleep much looighl.
HS bUI al 1 sl my chimes will soothe 01)' troubled. restless
heart.
SATURDAY 10 MARCH
I'm writing this now. BEFORE my dale with Elvin. even
Ihough I slill have scads more 10 do to get ready. BUIas
I fin.lI), dnfied ofT to sleep last night. Roating on the
delicate sound of my chimes like a bamboo leaf 011a
warm spring breeze. it struck me th.lt Ihis could be a
V lomCIlI01lSday. This may be the day I rail ill .tllle for
che first time. (Which. as everyone knows. is Ihe Most
lmponanr Day of Your Ufc!!!) If u is. rhcu I will Never Be
the Same Again. Think of il! I gOI up chis morning and did
the lhings I do every morning. I washed. dressed. and PUI
on my makeup. as per usual. I had a cup of cea and a bowl
of cereal, as per usual. Nan was arguing with her only son,
Justin was Sluffing his face while he read the paper. and
the Mad Cow was Lalking 10 the radio. ("Yes," she was
sa)'ing. "that's precisely what I Lhink. ") Everylhing normal,
And all the time I didn't know I was about 10 ,'Fall
&mtriI1Tm,/yellf4t1lyin .u.~. Thai while I was wiping
up the juice lhal gOI spilled, My Destiny was brushing IIi5
teeth in Crouch End. So Wish Me Luck! The next lime you
hear from me I may be a woman in -o.,,~.
SUIDAY 11 MARCH
I couldn't wrire last night. nOI afier the day I had! And nOI
because I MD a woman in -otJ~(u's almost a miracle
I'm nota woman in T-R-A-C-T-I-O-N). I feel like
a Pawn of Fate. Delete all that crap about God lovillg me.
Nothing in Illy ttfe is easy. Nothing ill my life goes Ihe
way u's meant 10. (HOLD EVERYTHING! I have
co gec a cup of lea 1.0calm my nerves before I piu rlus
excruciating tragedy down in purple and white. I'll be
righl back.)
 I'm back! Firsl of all, I should've known lliis wasn't going
10 be the Dale of My Dreams from the momenr I woke up
and discovered Ihat something had gone RADICALLY
WRONG with my hair In the nigh I. (I reckonthere mUSI
be some cosmic law Ihal says Ihat the more important the
occasion, the worse your hair is golng 10 be.) Elvin said
he'd meet me by tbe station in Hampstead. This ruined my
pion of laking the rube. I dldn't wam him to see me
coming OUIof the station, nOI afler all our I.ill: about how
greal it is 10 ride a bike, etc, On the other hand, there was
no w.y I was riding up Haverstock Hill, even if I could
140 have done il withour bursling a lung. NOl only did I nOI
want to arrive for our firsl date .11swealY, bUI also I was
bit weak since I'd eaten ALMOST NOTHING since
Friday niglu so I wouldn't feel 100 fal. Even walking, it's a
bloody sleep hill! I was beginning 10 think that they'd
moved Hampstead (like 10 Finchley) by Ihe lillie I finally
gOI 10 the top. I was v happy 10 see Ihal Elvin is a man of
his word (I think rcllabtllty is important in " nun). He was
wailing outside the lube with his really flash bike (it made
me wish I'd painted mine black and silver, bUI I thouglu il
would impress him more if it looked rcalll' used), I gal on
before he spoiled me and rode 10 the corner. He started
laughing as soon as he saw me, Iilvln said he hadn'l seen a
bike like mille ill EONS. He said II looked like they'd
reinvented the solid-steel frame, BUIhe seemed impressed
thaI I wasn't even out of breath, He said I was v lit and
must have incredible thighs (Disha agrees that this was a
v flirtatious remark).
The first forty-five minutes were PERFECT. We went to
this little QJe before we aauilly started dolng ony
strenuous exercise. I ordered herbal tea. (I felt prelly
pleased with myself thaI 1remembered.) Elvin ordered a
double espresso. My tea tasted the way the water looks
when you wash your krtid:ers by hand, but it didn't mailer
because I felt about rwenty. A sophisucared twenty. I 141
reckon if you're a sophisticated twenty, you con pUI up
with laundry water. Elvin told me some more abour the
film he wonts 10 make. He wonts il 10 sbow the side of
Ufe thaI you don't see in Hollywood movies. I said, "You
mean, no guns?" and he laughed and said what a good
sense of humor I have. It was all smiles and meaningful
looks after that. We should've ended the date on minute
forty-six, bUI we didn't. We went outside 10 gel our bikes,
Elvin explained the route we were "king (up there, first
right, first ngln, firsr left-that son of thing) and I nodded
thoughtfully even though I hadn't a clue where we were
going, (To tell you the truth, I've always found Oxford
Street more tmeresuug than Hampstead Heath. I mean,
 Once you've seen a tree, you pretty much 'get the Idea,
don't you?) I watched Elvin take ofT. He was faster than the
trallic, I gOt on my bike. I hadn't had any trouble riding
the couple of meters to the comer the tube station's on
(push down on the right pedal, push down on the left
pedal, eic.). but for some reason this time I pushed left
and pushed right and then I more or less fell over. (I
reckon il was nerves because now I was with Elvin. Or sort
of with Elvin, Elvin actually shot through a yellow light
JUStbefore I tipped over. I thanked God. I didn't need any
more of all audience t1WI I had.) The next time I ma".ged
142 to stay upright. I was wobbling a bit, but I was .150
moving forward. Elvin was waiting on the other side of the
lights, and as soon as he saw me he set ofT again. I
couldn't go nearly as fast as he was going without being
able to fiy (I think he said his bike weighs about a pound).
but at least I stopped wobbling. Everyhody was right: You
Never Forget How to Ride a Blke. Unfortunately there's
another thing that's true, and that's that Engbnd never
forgets how to rain. [ was just sort of beginning to almost
enjoy myself when it started to pour down. I rang m)' bell
so Elvin would know I WaShaving a good time (and also
so he wouldu'i forgct I Was there). He turned round ,"1(1
waved. And then he went right and disappeared. ) went
after him, J couldn't remember if I was rncam to rake lhc
firs! lefi or the fir<! right then, but he definitely w.,n't
ahead of me, so I went right. where there were more trees
and Jess rain. It was the wrong cboice. The only thing in
froot of me now was DOWN.
1 don't think I'd ever seen such a v perpendicular hill
before in my life! Aside from the fact that 1 was more
hurtling than gliding down the hill, 1 wanted to stop
before I went too for so I didn't have to walk back up. I
touched my brakes. Absolutely NOTHING happened. I
touched them again. If anything, I was picking up speed.
This time I squeezed both brakes so hard 1 thought I was
going to bend the handlebars. I started ringing my bell, but 141
that didn't slow me down either. 1 closed my eyes and
REALLY screamed. Elvin said I was lucky not to have
broken anything. He said it was tOObad my brother wasn't
with me because he would've loved. photo of my race as
1came down that hill (I made a mental note to tell Disha
nor to talk about my family to Elvin until I've had a chance
to prepare him myself).
Being a gentleman, Elvin insisted on coming back with me
to make sure I was all right. This was FINE with me.
Sigmund had a group, the Mad Cow was OUI with Nan,
and Justin's never home on a Saturday unless he's ill. My
spirits rose even more when on the way home Elvin said
that if I wanted, he'd come back next Sallllday and fix my
 bike for me. I wasn't actually planning to ever get on the
bike again, bill I said that would be v kind of him and I'd
even fix him lunch. He reminded me that I had my yoga
class on Saturday afierncon (what a memory!). I said I'd
changed it because Saturdays are just too busy.
And that's when all the good news stopped, because nOI
only was Justin at home; he was watching a film on the
lillie telly in the kitchen. Elvin Immediately introduced
himself and sat down. Following his practice of
ALWAYS HUMILIATING ME IF HE CAN, Justin
144 said. "Costello or Presley?" After I told him It was ElvinnOI
Elvisand he should consider having hts ears syringed. I
went to change 11110 something dry. And W do something
about my hair and my makeup. BUIwhat did I sec when J
looked In the mirror? NOI onl), was I soaking wet and
slightly bruised (my hair looked even worse than it had
when I woke up-I think I may CUIit rNlly short and dye
it plum). hut MY FACE WAS STREAKED WITH
BLACK! I looked at my hands. They were black too. I
looked down at my trousers. They were still black, but the
scltching wasn't, Now it \V.'tS gray, r even held ink on Itl)'
legS!
By the lime I got back 10 the kitchen. Elvin and the
Abominable Brother weren't watching the film .''')'1'0''';
they were IOlklngabout some photographic exhibition
Justin's going to see next weekend! Really!!! As if
anybody's interested, Trust my brother 10 be mure for most
of his adolescence and then decide 10 make up for all those
years of silence the first lime I bring a potential boyfrtend
home .. I PUI the keule on. 1 suggesled thot Elvin and I
could hove our lea in my room. bur Elvin said he was fine
where he was. 1drank my lea and watched the film while
Iustln tried 10 bore Elvin to death. I could feel depression
descending, bUI I acted cheerful and normal. I don't want
Elvin thinking I'm moody this early on. And W 1hove
10 consider my skin. My skin always erupts when I'm 145
depressed-e-because of the stress. As soon as the film was
OVU, Justin said be hod Sluff 10 do and leli.
ALONE AT LAST! I wanted 10 cry out loud with joy!
BUInOI for long because then Elvin said he had Sluff to do
too and better shake. leg. As SOOn as Elvin leIi, Iwent 10
Justin's room 10 kill him, but he was already in his
darkroom (that locks, of courser). so instead 1 went 10
Disha's for the night. (I used 10 wish Ihal the Paskis would
adopt me, bUI since the Nighl of the Fire Engines Mr,
Paskt's been more ill the mood to have Disha adopted than
take me on.) Dlsha said what happened with the ink was I
didn't use 0 laundry marker; I jusl used 0 colored pen. It's
all the Mad Cow's fault because we didn't have a I.undry
 marker, did we' Sometimes I think she does these things
on purpose,
Disha says she doesn't remember saying anything to Elvin
about my brother taking pictures. She thinks Calum must
have, I'm beginning to see some advantages to having a
brother who doesn't speak.
MONDAY 11 MAR(H
146
The Chinese film was well wicked! Neither I nor Dish.
really likes martial arts films (one rime over at Nick's the
boys were all watching a Bruce Lee movie and Disha and
I talked through it because it was 5000 cheesy and boring,
and they told us to leave). Fight scenes are as tedious as Car
chases if you ask me. But this was different. This was more
Iike a cross between Jane Austen and Peter Pan because there
were two great love storles in it and the people could fly.
And also thc fighring was absolutely brilliant and not just
the men, which, if you think about it, is still preuy
unusual. The boys liked it too. even though it was a love
siory. There was, however, a bit of an incident. (Didn't I
tell you nothing's ever easy') The others went to find Our
seats while Marcus and I bought the snacks, It was a long
queue, and we started messing around. I was trying to get
my wallet from behind his back and I wound up pressed
against hls chest, but when we broke away most of my
purple glitter bat was on Marcus! (Disba says maybe
it's because ir got so Wet on Saturday.) It wouldn't come
off Marcus though. would it? When we got ba.ck to tbe
others Disha said it looked like we'd been snogging with a
definite amount of :/'o4;,;on. Really! At the snack counter?
And also I never got a chance to interrogate David about
Camona because he left right after the 6hn for some reason.
141
TUESDAY U MAR(H
I had to go to the library this afternoon because I got
another notice about overdue books. I told the old bag I'd
brought them back, and she said not those, the other ones.
I said I didn't even remember taking that lor OUt, and she
said one of the most astonishing dungs she's discovered
in her hundred years as a school librarian is the high
perCeIitage of teenagers who suffer from amnesia. I said I'd
look for them (the books, not the teenagers). When I gOt
home the Mad Cow and Sappho were in session ill the
 kitchen. There was One of those sudden mhnlngful
silences when I shut the froll( door behind me. "Shhh! The
child's home! Don 'e lee her hear wlw we were saying
about sex!"
Anyway, by the time I goe co the kiechen they were going
.g.in at full volume, but now, of course, Ie wasn't about
sex; ie was about food, Simple as peasanu. this 101, u's
almost unbelievable. I shouted "Hi!" and they looked up,
.ceing surprised co find me in the house, Sappbo said hi
back, but the Me gave me chis Sickly smile hke she was
148 lr)'ing co be brave and asked me If I'd had a good day.
Needless co say, ie wasn't real question. Before I could
even open my mouth co answer. lhey went back co
banging on about root vegetables. Boring or what? I waited
for someone co remember I was watung 10 speak. lr's juse
as well I wasn 't holding my breach. "Did someone ask how
my d.y was!" I asked loudly. "Well, co tell )'OU the truth.
ie was pretty damn awful." Sappho reminded the Mad Cow
that she was going co do her chan for her and said rhar
maybe they should go somewhere quter. This was .\ hint:
they wanted me co vanish. I cold ehem not co bother
getling up: ( was going 10 Illy room to commit suicide.
WEDIUDAY 14 MAR(H
DL,h. goe her period last nighl and didn 'r feel like coming
co school today (HER mother is v sympatheeic about these
things. unlike some). I was on my way co see her lhis
afiemoon when I bumped imo David. He said he was
going 10 Camden co gel his mother something for her
binhday, and I said if be wanted some feminine help I'd
be glad 10 I.g along. He was excrucbtingly graceful (even
when ie isn'l Christmas, boys hare shopping!!!), Now thac
I finally had biro alone, I didn't know how co stan about
Carnona, Valenlioes Day seems a long time ago. So we 14'
ralked about the film we saw on Sunday (which he dldn't
seem 10 remember much), and school and scuff like ehac,
and then I said he seemed co be hanging out a loe with
Catriona Hendley lacely-dead casual-like. He said,
"Really!" He said he's always hung out with her; he's
known her since they were six (she Seems co have known
every attractive male in London since Ihey were l!cele-if
she wasn't so stupid you'd assume she musr've planned Ie).
Then (v telhngly if you ask me) he quickly cried co change
the subject co how chummy Marcus and I seem co be
lately. Since I definitely don't wane David chinking I'm
interested in Marcus (in case he says somcthlng co
Carriona, who says something co Elvin), I said we weren't
 any chummier than usual, and I explained >.iboul the glitter,
As I expected. he laughed v loudly, which I look as "'I
admission that he'd had the wrong impression. It pUI him
in such a good mood that he treated me to a coffee.
Naturally, rhe firsl dung I did when I finally reached the
lI~usr~rIIm~rwas ring D. I said I reckoned we sbould set
up in the matchmaking business, since David and Carnona
are obviously all their way 10 being an ITEM, I mean,
David denied it so much he might as well have admlued it.
Disha, however, disagrees, She says I have no corroborating
ISO evidence, I think she's warcluug loa maul' pohcc dramas,
Disha says Lila hasn't said anylhing about it, and we all
know whar a BIG MOUTH Lila has: there's no way she
wouldn't at least drop a him if Ihings were hatting up
between Catriona and David, And also Lila did say Ihal
they'd always hung alii logelher, like David said, BUII'm
the child of a psychoiheraplsr. and I believe ill
psych.ological evidence, Psychological evidence isn': based
on what people say, bUI Oil what Ihey mighlbe s'ying,
FRIDAY 16 MAR(H
Bethslieba rings al least twice every day, but lonight she
rang FIVE TIMES! I was the one who had 10 answer
the phone, because I was the only one home excepl Nan.
I didn't want her to answer in' case it was Elvin about
tomorrow. I don't want him exposed to the darker side
of my family life until we know each other beuer, say in
a year .0. tWO, (You can bet your last Rolo that Catriona lSI
Hendley's grandm.olher isn't any mare embarrassing dian
the rest of Catriona's incredibly perfect family. Catriona's
grandmother isn't a [esus freak: she's a baroness.)
Anyway, even though I told Bethsheba that Justin wasn't in
and that I'd give him a message, she kept right on ringing,
Ifinally unplugged the phone and went to take a bath. As
per usual, the Mad Cow yelled at ME when she got horne
and realized the phone was disconnected, What if she'd
been trying to get through? What if there'd been an
emergency? I said what if she bought me a new mobe so
she'd know dlat she could always get me if she bad to, and
she said what if I started ironing my own clothes and the
moon turned blue?
 You can see why people seeking cnllghlennfent usually
live in caves by themselves. (If it weren't for the lack of
electricity and the snakes and scorpions [ mlghl consider
il myself.) [ really find coping with my family v draining.
[ hope I can survive long enollgh 10 gel my own place. It's
nOI easy 10 pursue a lif~ Ih.1 is intellectually slimulaling as
well as spirimall)' fulfilling in a house where everybody
else is submerged in Ih~ Iriui.1Jand the 1IUU14ant. Mobile
phones ... ibe menopause ... a llule dye in the washing
machine-what are these things compared 10 the greal
books, the greal music. the grul id~as? NOTHING.
In that's what, BUIhow can I concentrate on ;:(iglt~r:J1,inlJ'
when I'm consrantly being brougfu down 10 below ground
level by the Bandrys?
SATURDAY 11 MAR(H
MEGA DISAPPOINTMENT! Elvin rang this
morning 10 say he can 'I fix my bike today afler all. He said
he was REALLY SORRY lnu he had 10 do somelhing
with his falher lhal he couldn't gel OUI of. I told him lim,
having unreasonable parents of my own, I understood. So
I won 'I find 0111 If we're desuncd 10 'lid/ill Lon' until
next weekend,
To cheer myself up, I went over 10 Disha's. The other
Paskis were all OUI.Since I've gOI WHOLE WEEK
before I see Elvin again I decided 10 use it ccnsuucuvety
and asked Disha 10 CUImy hair-.fl~r all, the DP is a ume
for experimentanon, [t look EONS because al firsl she
was SO terrified of taking 100 much ofT that she hardly CUI
it at aU. Since Mr. and Mrs. Puld were out W~ then moved
Into their room, where there are IWOMAJOR minors,
so I could monitor both from and had: ibe whole time.
Th.1 worked pretty well unul Disha gOl so obsessed with
making II TOTALLY even thaI she nearly exposed my
EARS (one of them is slightly imperfect). We called it
quits after that, I think it's 100 short. bUI Disha says Ir's
v trendy and immediate. (Wbat else is she going to say?
That I look like my head's been mown!) We mighl've had
a 6gbt, but then Dtsha remembered the dope we liberated
from Calum's desk. I pointed OUIIhOl we didn'l have any
tobacco. but Dish. said she had a few fags stashed away.
I asked Disha when she started smoldng. and she said she
didn't really smoke. she [ust liked 10 have one now and
then when she felt messed. and she could stop anyume
she wanted. I said did she mean like Sigmund (who SlOpS
at least twice a year) and we borh laughed. We gOI some
snacks and pUt a film on, and then we gOt the hash 0111
from under the carpel. We weren't sure how much 10 use,
so we used the 101. I was trying v hard 10 follow the film,
so I dtdn'i nonce when Dish. feU asleep. I>'didn'l even
notice Ihal I ATE ALL THE SNACKS (a family bag
of crisps, a famil)' bag of tortilla chips, and an emir. packer
of custard creams) either. We both decided th.. thls Is not
our drug. I definitely can't afford somerhing th.. turns
me into a human Hoover. I walked all tbe way home (the
REALLY LONG WAY) because I reckoned I needed Ihe
exercise. Stopped ofT at the shops and boughl some hair
dye (.P,lip/I" if>a,,,rioll),
SUNDAY 18 MAR(H
Privacy being as rue as film stars in our house, I was
v excited lonlght to more or less 1I,,'e the entire fl.. to
m)'SCIf.Sigmund was Out solving other people's problems,
tile Mad Cow was with Sappho. Justin bad a dale with
Bethsheba (I know thar's where he went because when
I asked him where he was off to be told me 10 mind my
own iug business. I wonder if J should tell this poor
deluded-and possibly blind-girl Ih.1 [ustln wei the bed
I ill he was len before she gels 100 involved). and Nail was
passed OUIill from of the Icily (jUSt for ,I change). 1\',' had
a coul,lc of Ihlngs I've been wanting 10 do clw demand
soluud e. The ft", W3S '0 fUlaUy move my di,uy to rNlly
secure location. Every day I put II somewhere different in
my room, and 1 always Slick a hair or a piu'e of thread
between the pages so I'U know if someone's been reading
it, but even though there's been no sign of rampering it
makes me v nervous. 1 had such a premonnion that the
MC was trawling through my room on Friday, wanting to
see what I'd written about her, that Ms, Staples asked me
something twice before 1 realized she was talking to me,
After class she puUed me aside to ask me if everything was
all right because I seemed distracted lately. 1 told her it
was because 1 was working on a story with a v good but
complicated plot. She said she'd love to read it wben it's ISS
finished. (I hope she forgets about It, or 1 may actually
have to write something, which I'm MUCH tOObusy to
do at the moment, No wonder Catrlona sticks to poems.
How long do they take?)
So anyway, 1 fin.Uy CUIle up with the perfect hiding place.
The garden! It's easily accessible, and since it's a1w.ys
raining no one ever really goes there. Even Sigmund's
once-a-year barbecue extravaganza has been permanently
postponed because last year he WaSso determined that the
burgers were going to be tOI>Uycooked 011 the barbecue
and not finished ofT in the kitchen, as per usual, lhat be set
one of the deck chairs on nrc. The other lhing I wanted to
do was DYE MY HAIR purple. I did the hair first
 because you have to leave it on for twenryrminutes. so I
could hide my diary while I waited, I went to the kitchen
and gOt an empty flowerpot and a smaller pot with, plant
in il. TIleD I wrapped my diary in a lot of plastic. PUt it in
the empty flowerpot, and put the pot with the plant on
lOp, Brilliant or wh.t?!! It was raining, of course, SO I stuck
a curler bag over my head so the dye wouldn't drip all
over, then I nipped 0111 and hid it in the shrubs, The wind
banged the door shill behind me, but I didn't think
anything of It, Not until I tried 10 get back in. That's when
I remembered that it locks automatically, (what'd I tell you
1~6 about being born under a curse? Of all the billions of
famlltes In the world, I had to be born to the one lhat pUIS
a Yale lock on the garden door. It can't be an accident!
There HAS to be a God, The only thing I don't
understand is why He has it in for ME!) I couldn't exactly
haul myself OVC!the wall and go next door since all I was
'\Turing \,,~Sone of Siglllund's shins And a CArrier bAg over
my head, so I banged on the kitchen window and shouted.
Sometimes I think if it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have
.lny luck ill all. The storm was making more noise than [
was, and there was no \\'.1)' Nan would've heard Inc even if
she'd been awake. nOI with the ICUyblaring away (nol
unless I was whispering somcrlung I didn't want her 10
hear). I fclt like ,1 ghosl looking in at hci old life, unseen
and unheard. ;\s the seconds turned to J11inlHC!J, I $.1\\' IU)'
whole life shimmer before me in the steam from the kettle.
Well, maybe not all of it, but A LOT, Mainly they were
happy memories. I saw me and Disha walking in the rain
in our frog weJlies when we were lillie, and the beach that
summer we went to Greece and the MC got sunburn
poisoning (you should've seen her feet-they looked like
she'd nicked them from a purple elephant), And also I saw
all my friends' faces 80ating over the stove, smili.og, And
Elvin! I hadn't even tasted his sweet lips yet and now it
would never be. BUII thought to myself, well, if I have to
die so tragically-before I even reach my prime-at least
my last Sight is a happy one! 151
Miraculously Nan shuffled 1.010the kitchen before I died of
rx..,.rr iI1II-nin9, Of course, then I had to sneak back Out
again to rem eve my diary since I had so much to tell The
MC W>S.D'tthe tiniest bit sympothetic or worried that I
might have got pneumonia, All she was concerned about
was what I was doing in the garden in the dark, I can see
I'll have to keep my diary indoors after all. I can't keep
popping in and out, Not when my mother has such a
IUSpiu,us l41ituT,
 MONDAY 19 MAR(H ..
The curse continues to work! Wben I woke up this morning
I SCREAMED OUT LOUD when I saw myself In the
mirror. I couldn'r've been more SHOCKED AND
HORRIFIED if I'd grown a second head. (Which is
probably the only lhing that could be WOrsethan what has
happened.) My hair has turned an EXTREMELY vivid
magenta. rill sure it's because of the bOlUSI spem in the
garden. There musr've been a chemical reaction with
something they're putting in the rain. TIle Me said it was
us lucky 1cut it so short Or I might have blinded half of
London. I cried not to let her negativity discourage me, I
decided to make myself. llr.unollitSultll1l'nl.I dressed totally
in black and wore Ill)' biggest silver earrings (PERFECT
for the OP or wh.t?!!). It's a shame my new boots fdl
apart like thJl. because lhey would've been the killer touch.
Dish. said 1slill looked v striking. David said he never
realized I wore earrings before. Marcus said I reminded
him of the girl in TheMatrix,except that her hair wouldn't
stop traffic,
The Me ABSOLUTELY REFUSES to believe tl!.lt
the Abominable Brother has a girlfriend. She reckon'
he would've told her if he really W,lS gOIl1& OUI with
Bethsheba. (I don't see why: he doesn't lell her anything
else.) 1said then why is she ;t!ways ringing ill' like be's
the l;Uking clock and she doesn't Own a w atch? She said
maybe Bethsheba hasn't realized th.t Justin Isn't interested
in her in thotw.y. It's truly anu.zing tho! I haven't been
permanently struck DUMB, living with these people. like
the girl's pursuing Justin?The Me re;t!ly is losing touch
with realiry in a v frightening way.
TUESDAY 10 MAR(H IS9
Sappho asked how the vegerananlsm was going, and I told
her it was going well except I seemed to be g1ining
weight. not losing It like you'd expect, How can you put
On weight when you're toting soya burgers, soy.. rashers,
and chicken nuggets instead of hamburgers, bacon,
and pork chops? It doesn't make sense. Sappho said,
"McDonald's chicken nuggets?" She said there's twice as
much fat per ounce in McNuggClSas in a hamburger. 1was
shocked. 1mean, it's chicken! How call you have fat in
chicken? Sappho says it's chicken the way the Matterhorn at
Disneyland is part of the Alps, She says that in America
McDonald's chips have beef additives, She read all about it
 in some book. Sappho says you can't be roo-careful.
Obviously not. It's Incredible the things people don't tell
you, They don't tell )'OUthere are Great Women Artists and
they don't ttll you there's aU that fat in chicken. Wlw else
aren't they telling us! If you ask me, life should come with
a book of instructions, D agrees. She says if you think
about it, adults are INCREDIBLY irresponsible, nOt to
mention lhc}r He a lot-even lO each other. We can't
decide whether adults never had any principles, or if Ihey
lost them when they sold their souls for rhelr mortgages
and crap like that.
160
WlDHHDAY H MARCH
Disha wanted to know why I didn't go 10 the gallery with
the guys last weekend, I asked her what gallery and wlw
guy., She said some photographic gallery in the West End
and Elvin and jusun. She overheard Calurn and Elvin 1.lking
about it. I said she gOI it wrong. Justin went to some
photographic exlubirion on Saturday, bUI Elvin couldn't
have gone because he had to do something with his Iaiher.
Dish. gave me her "oh yeah?" look. It's One of her more
irl'italing habits. Like Elvin would dump me 10 go oui wnh
Justin, right! Whit docs she Ihink! TIw they're GAY? And
why would Elvin lie to me! It's nor like we're even going
out together yet, is It! I mean, Sigmund's always tdling the
MC untruths (e.g., last Sunday when he said he was doing
something with bis dependencies group, he wasn't because
one of them rang up to find out If It'd been changed 10
Tuesday or Wednesday!!!), but they're married, You expect
that SOrtof thing from people who have lived together
long enough to feel suffocated,
16f
THURSDAY 11 MARCH
Went for pizza with the usual suspects after school, except
for Disha. I thought Dlsha'd given up on tennis, but she
said she had a lesson lonight and wanted to go home and
do her homework firsl. So it was up to me to watch for
psychological SIGNS between David and the Hendley.
And Ihey were there! David and Catriona made sure they
didn't stand next to each other or anylhing (in a v poimed,
let's,aa,like-we,bardly,know,cach,other way!), At first the
conversation was monopolized by Nick and Marcus in
PlaySlation mode, and then David started banging on about
the pizza he makes at home. (I hadn'. realized he's. New
 Man. Justin, the Neanderthal. can barely microwave a
crotssam.) Marcus didn't find it tOOthrilling either. He
started talking to me about Some lillie an gallery near his
place that he thought I should see. I wasn't TOTALLY
listening because I was keeping watch to sec ifDavid and
Carrion. made eye contact. We had a v good time. Marcus
did an impersonation of Ban Simpson accepting an Oscar
that cracked us up so much we all had tears in our eyes.
I can't believe it! Turns out that the lesson Disha went
to wasn't tennis-it was yoga. She said she'd beard me
161 and Ms. Staplesbanging on about it so milch that she gOt
interested. And also she saw something on relly. 1 said
if she was going to join a class. why hadn't she asked me
to go too. and she said she had. She said I said I wasn't
interested in a class because I had my book and it was
cheaper. I don't remember this conversation AT ALL!!!
Disha said. "And (0 think you're like this and you've only
taken drugs the once. I thought you had to do it for a
while Deforeyou lost your memory." I still think she's
making it lip.
SATURDAY 14 MAR(H
The devil Nan's alwaysgoing on about woke up this
morning in a really shnry mood and decided to gJveme a
small taste of what hell is Uke.First of all, I meant to get
up early because I bad a lot to do before Elvinarrived
to fix my bike. I wanted to run through my yoga (so if
be asked me what I'd been doing, I could say my yoga).
I wanted to take a shower with the shower gel Sappho
also gave the Mad Cow for the winter solstice (so if he
noticed how good I smelled I could tell him I smelled
politicallycorrect). And I reckoned it might be a good idea 16l
if I didn't greet him in my pajamas so I needed to dress.
And also get everything ready for lunch. Bm I musr've slept
through the alarm, because I didn't wake up till nearly ten.
It took me an hour JUStto find something to wear, so I
had to skip the yoga. Then when I opened the frjdge I
discovered that the Mad Cow hadn't done a proper shop
yet. There was nothing to eat unless you liked bendy
carrots and mustard a lot. So then I had to change into
something I didn't mind sweating in and run to the shop. I
bought cheese, bread, tomatoes, and a large bag of crisps.
Toasted cheese sandwichesare my speciality.That and
peanut buner. As soon as I gOthome I changed again. I
was still looking for the sandwich toaster (microwaved just
isn't the same in my opinion) when the doorbell rang.
 Elvin! Electricity shot through me. I had 3 'big smile on my
face and was already saying hello when [ answered the
door. The smile vanished. It wasn't Elvin. It was Bethsheba.
I was a bit taken aback. She wasn't at all whn I was
expecting. I was expecting someone rather pathetic who
probably lives under a rock, but she was trendier looking
than even Carriona Hendley. And v auraeuve in an
emaciated art student son of way. She wanted to know if
Justin was in. I was too stressed to deal with her, and also
if Justin was in his room, I didn't want him coming out
164 while Elvin was here, so I said no. She wanted to know
if I was sure. I said he'd left eons ago, Then she suned
screaming for him from the doorway. There wasn't any
response, of COUISe,so then she Slid to tell him she'd been
by and that he should ring her, I Went back to looking for
the sandwich toaster. Justin strolled into the kitchen with
his camera over his shoulder, I said I tllought he'd gone
out; didn't he hear Bcthsheb. SHRIEKING for him? He
said who hadn't? He reckoned the whole road had heard
her. He called her Bloody Bumshtva and said he wished
she'd leave him alone, and I said why not tell her that
instead of pretending not to be home. and he said wh,u
made Inc think he hadn't told her .t le,lst ,I hundred times!
[ said because he never tells anybody ,,,,ything, and he said
well, here was a firsr, then. I could tell Elvln,lhat he
couldn't wait for him because he bad to go out. And iIS if
this wasn't surprising enough (1 mean, why would Elvin
think Jusrin was going to wait for him? He was coming to
see ME!!!), Justin then made a quick exit through the
guden. I was watching him heave himself over the b.lck
wall when Ibe phone rang. I picked it up because I thought
it mighr be Elvin. It was Marcus, ringing to tell me nor to
eat lunch because we could gel something after the gaUery.
I said whar gallery? He said the gallery I'd made a dote
with him to see today because there are paintings In It tmt
reminded him of my stuff. I acted all sbk4 IIIIIIIIrriAtt 165
(which 1son of was, though 1 was also roo preoccupied
with my date with Elvin to get THAT enlotionally
involved), and said I'd forgotten all about it. I said my nan
had fallen again and we were all pretry upset and It had
totally put it out of my mind. I said I couldn't go today
because my parents were both out (uue), and I had to
look after my nan (would've been true if Nan were home).
Marcus said well, what about next SalurdilY, and 1 said OK
because the doorbell was ringing. This time it was Elvin
(FINALLY!). I still hadn't found the sandwich toaster,
but he said just a plain cheese sandwich would be great. (I
like men who are flexible; I think that's another tmporum
quality to look for.) He wanted to know where Justin was
 and I rold him he'd [ust climbed over the garden wall. I
think he Ihoughl I was joking at firsr, I put the lunch smff
on the uble and Elvin said be couldn't cal the cheese
because it wasn't vegetarian, I said of course it \\'U
vegetarian: It was cheese. He said no, they weren't
necessarily the same thing. He said cheese isn't veget.. ian
unless it has. green V or something on the packer to
prove Ihal it isn't made with animal glop. (And how was I
meam 10 know a thing like that") I said OOPS, I forgot. I
haven't been a veggie that long. Elvin said vcgcrarlans have
10 be rcally careful, and, so he didn't think I was
166 TOTALLY clueless. J said il was worse for vegans because
mv aunt's a vegan and she reads the labels on
EVERYTHING before she eats it, including salt. AI lost
being related 10 S.ppho has paid om!! Elvin said he
admires vegans. He said I had. v interesling famil)" Since
this isn't true, and since even if it were true he wouldn't
know it since he's only met Justin, I knew he was talking
about me, I pretended 10 pick something off the Aoor in
case I was blushing.
Aflcr lunch Elvin took a look at my bike, bUI even Ihough
he had a b.lg full of tools it turned OUIhe didn't have Ihe
right one whh him, so he said he'd come h.1C1. next week.
I IhOlighl mavbe he'd suggest doing somelhing else bUI he
didn't. After Elvin lcfi, I rang Marcus back, nUL he'd gon,'
Out. I decided to go to Disha's, When I gOt outside,
Beihsheba was sitting on Ihe step like that creepy bird in
tho! Edgar Allan Poe poem, God knows how Geek Boy
knew she'd be Out there-~.rcepllon isn't one of his
strong points. I told her Justin wasn't back yet and she
gave me this Mona Usa smile and said she knew. Didn't I
say someone who was interested in Justin had to be
REALLY STRANGE?!!
SUIDAY IS MAR(H 16J
Sappho and Mags rolled up unexpectedly tonight with a
bottle of organic champagne. Sigmund (who is a BIG
FAN of the gra~) musr've known somehow that there
was going to be free wine on offer because he wras actually
home for a change. Psychologists aren't known for their
sense of humor either, and Sigmund is no exception
(unless it was marrying my rnorher), bUI he still tried
10 make a joke. "What's the occasion? You scalp another
while man?" The Mad Cow. Sappho, and Mags all told him
10 shut up. Sappho said she had a malor announcement.
Turns out Sappho and Mags are pregnant! Well, one of
them's pregnant (I Ihink u's Sappho, bUI I gOI a litde
confused wirh all the shrieking ihts announcement caused),
 Once dungs had seuled down a bit, justinJ(ledded to make
a joke. He wanted to know if it was an immaculate
conception. Instead of telling him to shut up (he way
they did Sigmund, Sappho said yes. and the), all laughed
hysterically (except for Nan, who said it was blasphemous
and made her lips into a straight line), While lhey were.
laughing, Sigmund poured himself another glass of
champagne (a big one). Then Nan decided she'd given
them the silent treatment long enough and got back into
the act. She couldn't understand bow Sappbo (probably)
could be preggers when she's One of Them! Things
168 weren't like this in her day. In her day people knew what
tbey were meant to do, and if they didn't want to do it,
tbey didn't make a big deal of it and have sperm injected
into them. Sigmund told her not to Start (which was preuy
ridiculous, since she was already in full swing). Nan said
she hoped they were going to have the baby baptized, the
poor little thing. Sappho told her what she thougln of that
idea, and Nan stomped off to pray for everybody (she
made sure she took her champagne with her though).
I hope Sappho isn't making a Big Mistake. I mean. she's
only JUStstarted liviDg with Mags. What if it doesn't work
out? (It's never worked out before.) It seems like a prcuy
major step to take. Dish. agrees. She says it's like marf)'ing
somebody on the first date. You'd think that .someone
who's been to university and is so pollrically sussed, like
Sappho, would have a little more common sense, but Disha
says tbat common sense is llIce the CulM)' Islands. There
aren't any canaries left on the Canary Islands, and there's
noihing common about common sense, Sometimes D can
be v profound.
Sappho said I should've known about the cheese not being
vegetarian because she'd told me often enough. She wanted
to know if I ever listened to anything she said, and I said
sometimes. 16'
MOIDAY 16 MARCH
It never ends, does it? What would everyone do if I
weren't around to rake the blame for everything? David
was in a mood today because Disha and 1 didn't turn up
for his pizza p.my On Saturday night. I said I didn't know
about any pizza party. David said I did and that I said it
sounded great when he invited everyone the other day.
I don't consider some casual remark made when at least
four other people are talking at the same time even close
 to a ,,,,I Invitation. Who could really heat him? And also
be was going ON AND ON about pizza (it's bread,
basically:there isn't thatmucb to say), and he didn't make
it excruciatinglyclear that he mean. LAST S.turday, NOt
'0 ME! I apologized abjectly and promised lba. even If
Prince William Invited me to a mega do at the palace on
the same night I'd be al David's next pizza party. David
was appeased. He said OK, it's a date. Next Saturday.Eight
sharp, I wrote It on my band, and later I made Disha write
it down on paper so we don't forget.
IJO Tonight when the phone rang justin said that if it was
BumshivaI should tell her he wasn't home. I was
SHOCKED AND HORRIFIED that he expected
me to lie for him. He said he still had the negative of me
sleeping with my mouth wide open and dribbling, and if
I didn't want Elvinto sec it I should just do what he said,
I told him that was blackmailand it made him. crlminal
and he laughed,
TUESDAY 11 IARCI
It's. world of surprises, isn't it? Came home from school
to lind the Mad Cow going through Sigmund's office,She
had duster in her band to make it look like she was
cleaning, but she was definitely turning it over. I told her
he didn't hide his cigarettes In his office, and she said she
wasn't looking for cigarettes:she was dusting. She said it
like she wouldn't care if he smoked himself into an iron 111
lung. (I'm not sure what an iron lung is, but it doesn't
sound good. I mean, it doesn't sound IIh something you'd
wisb on the ,u," o.IJfmr ift, or even your busband.)
Maybe I'll never get married, if this is what happens, All
tbe :/>auion and :Rmnan" goes, and there's nothing lefi
to keep you together but the mongage. l almosr felt like
saying to her (woman to woman), "Jocelyn, don't you
remember how your blood used to race when you beard
his voice? How your skill uugled at his touch? How you
used to lie awake, imagilling he was beside you? Where
did all that passion go?" But I didn't. If she ever did feel
like that (which does seem a bit unlikely) she'll have
TOTALLY forgotten by now.
 D agrees that marriage sucks the romane! out of a
relationship. She says this is why Great Artistsand Writers
have traditionally been opposed to it. Tbe @{ollL is always
)'earning to be free, and sociery'salways'trying to chain it
down. Docs that mean that the creative impulse is innately
opposed to the needs of society' If man works on rules
and the rest of the universe works on chaos, docs society
go against our TRUE nature? Questions, questions.
questions'!' Sometimes I feel as if the Dark Phasemay give
me a permanent migraine. Watched some old Frimols videos
to calm my overworked mind. FriendsI can understand,
In
WIDHISDAY 28 MARCH
HOT NEWS FLASH!!! Sara Dancer DID IT!!! She
went to a party on Saturdayand made it with some bloke
from New Zealand. I said she'd been keeping prcny quiet
about it, and Sara said that even though she definitely felt
LIKE A WOMAN now there really wasn't that much to
talk abom, She sald she'd had a few beers and did" 't
remember it all that well. I said I hoped she remembered
using a condon, and she said no. She said ,IS a roptc of
conversation condoms hadn't exactly come up. (JUSt the
penis did!!!)
THURSDAY 19 MARCH
Mrs. Kennedysaid she wouldn't need me next week, but
she wondered if I could mind the twins from Friday night
to Sunday the weekend after next, At first I said no. I'm
not totally sure about having the twins for long periods of
daylight on my own. 'I'd have to do things with them and
keep them entertained, which could be quite draining. And
instiJlcttold me that the Mad Cow would object. As you In
know, she's not v keen on Mrs. Kennedy, but she's even
less keen on leaving me with ME on my own for a whole
weekend-never mind with someone else's small children.
Mrs. Kennedysaid she only asked because ber mum usually
takes them when she needs a break, but she's gone to
Australia.Mrs. Kennedysaid it was a sbame I couldn't do
it because she was going to pay me double time, but she
certainly wouldn't want to upset my mother after all my
wonderful father's done for ber. Double ti.me!I don't like
maths, but I do appreciate that it can come in v bandy
from time to time. A quick calculation told me that what
Mrs. Kennedywas offering me was FREEDOM AND
PRIVACY in the shape of a new mobe. So I threw
caution to the wind and said I'd do it. I reckon the
 simplest dling is nOI 10 tell the Me. Wliatshe doesn't
know can '{ SLOp me.
fRIDAY JO MAR(H
This afiernoon Marcus said he hoped I hadn't forgouen
that we're going 10 the gallery tomorrow. I said of course
I hadn't. (II had TOTALLY gone OUIof my mind, which
is understandable considering all the STRESS I've been
114 under lately.) I told him I was really sorry bUI I still
couldn't go, because of Nan's relapse and all. Marcus was
v sympathetic (unlike anyone I'm related 10), He wanted
10 know why Iusun couldn't look afier the old bag for,
couple of hours and J said oh, come on now, you've met
my brother: justin's 100 selfish 10 do anylhing like thai.
SATURDAY JI MARCH
If Shakespeare's righl and the (;tJ/II:re(!/Ji1lt' Eor(' is
rougher than a (Tall up Mount Everest. then 'he rc('Jings
Elvin and ( are going to experience (if we ever have ten
minutes alone) will be the llroe,fl O/i<' thai's, ever existed.
I am THWARTED al every 111m.
First of all, the Me did another one of her vanishing acts
this morning without so much as a word 10 ANYONE,
God knows where she goes, but it definitely isn 'r
Sainsbury's since she's out ALL DAY and doesn't have
any food wuh her when she gets back, It WaSJUStas weU I
shopped for lunch yesterday, This time I bought pasta,
pasla sauce with a big green V on it, and a bag of salad at
me health food store, so I felt prelly calm about mat at
least. Nan was taking one of her afternoon naps, and 115
Sigmund, as per usual. was working his lingers to the bone
to pay my bills, so I was feeling V POSITIVE, But then
Iusnn Bandry, the boy who thinks home is where you
sleep, wouldn't leave the flat today no matter how much I
begged him. I was rushing round, trying to get ready for
Elvin, and Justin even made me check to see if Bumshiva
was "lying in wait" for him out front. (Melodranmic or
what? Men really are the most incredible prima donnas!!!)
She was. justin said that in that case he wasn't going
anywhere unless there was a fire. (How TEMPTING is
that? If I wasn't afraid it might spread to mine, I'd torch
his roomt) I said I didn't see why he couldn't go through
the garden, which is what he's been doing for DAYS, and
 he said the man at the back booby.tuppell his border so
he can 'I land in il anymore. I told him Ihal in Ihat case
he'd beuer slay in his room or I'd invite Bcthsheba in for
lunch. I reckoned Ih.1 would keep Geek Boy our of the
way. Which was jusl as well because the doorbell rang and
it was Elvin.
The firsl Ihing Elvin said when I opened the door was had
my hair .Iw.ys been thts color! I satd InISI a filmmaker 10
be SO observam. He obviously Ihoughl this was another
example of my gre.1 sense of humor, so I laughed 100. He
116 wanted 10 know if Iustln had gone over the garden wall
again and I s..id no, he was in his room, but he was
excrucialingly busy. Everything was V COZY .fter that. I
gOt lunch ready while Elvin fixed my bike, JUStas if we
were a real couple. When he was done he came into the
kitchen, all triumphant, I said that was brilliant, cos now
we could finish that bike ride, and he said sure but not
today. Elvin read the label on the salad dressing while I
drained the pasta, He couldn't eat tlla! either, because it
had anchovies in it. I WaS already thinking about how I
was going to describe the afieruoon to Dish" when [usttn
appeared, nose twitching (he's gOt the sense of smell of a
police clog). I gave him every sign.1 I could to make him
go aw"y (eyes, hands. eyebrows, IlIcntaltelep,\lhy-thc
lot), but except to ask when lunch W.lS goll1g to be ready
be TOTALLY Ignored me, Isaid should I be putting out
four plates, and he g.ve Ole this big cheesy g;ln and said
001 to worry because Bumshiva had left, Elvin wanted to
know who Bumshiva was. Justin started explaining that she
was io a couple of his classes and had Ihis fixauon on him
(ego or wh'I!!!). and 10 my surprise Elvin not only didn't
laugh al this piece of fanlasy but acted all sympathetiC. I
was tempted 10 tell Justin what I'd like to do with his
lunch. but I didn't want Elvin to see my harsher side just
yet. NO( until we've at least bad our first DSS. So I put out
three plates. And guess what? Dish. was right about Elvin
going 10 that exhibition last weekend, because th.IS all In
they talked about while they shoveled my lunch Into tMr
gobs. As soon as they'd fintshed eating, Justin asked Elvin
if he wanted to see what he was working on in his
darkroom. As sweetly and meaningfully as possible, I told
Justin that Elvin had come over 10 fix my bike. not look
at his pictures. And whar did Elvin s.y! Elvin said he'd
already fixed the bike and he'd LOVE to see Justin's
pictures. (If Justin shows Elvin even ONE of me-even if
I look. Slone lighler than I really am and am MIND-
BOGGLINGLY GORGEOUS in ii-I swear I'm
going 10 destroy his bloody darkroom.] I know Elvin was
only being polite. He probably thinks he has to be nice to
my brother even though he's the biggest pain In the bum
thai ever lived. bUI I was so ENRAGED [ had 10 force
 myself 10 remain pleasarn. As soon as I heard jusuu's door
close, I raced omsidc 10 see if maybe Bethsheba had come
back, bUI (NA'IURALLY!!!) she hadn't. JUSIwait 1IIIIhe
next lime she calls round. We'll see who lies for Geek 80y
then. lUng Marcus, but he'd gone OUI,so I'm going over
10 Dlsha's. I don't rrust myself 10 be alone with my
brother,
SUNDAY I APRil
118
Dtsha, Marcus, Nick, Siranee. and I all rurned up al David's
al '-'ighl o'clock last nighl, as requested. David opened the
door, and then he sort of stood there. half smiling .r us as
if he ihouglu he was on C4ndidComtr. or something. The
boys were hungry, as per usual, so Ihey son of barged in
and the rCSIof us followed. David said somethiag' about
checking the dough and dragged me into the kitchen with
hlm. I've never seen hun so angry. Not even the rime he
gOI thrown into Ihe biology pond ill his while suit. He
wanted 10 know if this was some SOrtof April I'ools' joke
Or something. I said, "Um, duh, ):ou invited us over for
pizza. remember? t even wrote ir down:" David said he
was under the tmpression thai he only invited me over for
pizza. I said, "Really?" He said really. He said now we
were going 10 have 10 order more plzzas and I could pay
for them, whieb was preuy unreasonable If you ask me.
David said he thought II was more unreasonable 10 invite
four people 10 dinner at someone else's house without
bothering 10 tell him. ( told him 10 look on the funny side.
I mean. considering the faci Ihal OUIof the 101of us D,,1d
and I arc the only IWOwho speak English as our first
language, it's preuv ironic Ihal we can't seem 10
communicate, David said I'm the one who can't
communicate.
11'
10lD1Y 1 APRil
I'm still pIeuy irked by whal happened wnh Elvin on
Saturday. I know iI's .11Justin's fauh, bUI I can 'I help
thinking that Elvin could have shown a hule more interest
in ME. Disha thinks ( may be misinterpreting things.
She says maybe by ignoring me he was showing 110W
Interested he reaUy is, Dish. thinks Elvin feels so
comfortable with me Ihal he doesn't think he has 10 make
any special effort and JUSt acts normal. Like we've been
seeing each other for eons, BUIwhal about {Passion and
ilOIllORC"? Thai's what I want 10 know. I mean, I know
lunch for three isn't the same as a candlelit dinner, bUI he
 could at leasr've talked lO me a bil!!! Because"! was so
HURT AND DISAPPOINTED) decided lO ask
Marcus if he wanted lO go lO lhal gallery afier school one
day dus week. Marcus said the exhibition WaSover. He
said il like It was my fault.
TUHDAT J APRil
Will I ever find peace from the slings and arrows of
180 Outrageous Fortune? (It's beginning lO look like the answer
to that questlon is NO!!!) Between school. EMn. Davtd,
Marcus. my f.mily . nd lrying lO keep my sanilY and sense
of humor despue .U of them, I found it v difficult 10 get 10
sleep last night. II was raining preuy bard, so even the
wind chimes weren't as soothing as usual. I never count
sheep (I don't know about anyone else, but I can never gel
the sheep 10 jump over the fence), but eventually ) was so
desperate that I started going through my multlpllcatlon
tables. ) reckoned Ihal should do ii, since It's usually only
with SUPERHUMAN eITorl Ihal I nMnage 10 my
awake in marhs, I was soaring Ihrough rhe lives when I
heard someone ourstde. AI firsl Ilhoughl II W,IS a car.
Then il made another noise. and I knew Ih,\I if II was ,I
cal. h wasn't your dvcr.lge sort of cat: it 'V,lS 1110rc like a
PUMA. I was .1 the window in a flashl.There was JUSl
enough lighl from the other fI.ls for me 10 make OUIa ~
sinisltr IigII't crouched like. v luge puma on the garden
wall. All those lectures from the Me about what lO do In
an emergency finaUy paid off. I quickly squeezed through
my door, raced into the kitchen, and dialed 999. Then
I went to wake up Justin, (He's always had more of a
sense of adventure than the parents. and he acu wnhout
thinking.) Justin wasn't asleep; be was working on SOme
project for college at his desk. He grabbed his camera
and ran to the kitchen. I gr~b~ his heaviest tripod and
followed, The rest, as they say, is hislOry. [ustln was JUSl 111
stepping OUlof the garden door with a lea lny over hts
head when I gOl lO the kirchen. He shouied something
threatening like "Don't move!" and then he started
snapping. I reckon it was the firsl flash lhat caused
the intruder to faUoff the wall, I ran inlO the garden
brandishing the tripod and warnlng him lhal Ihe police
were on their way, Iusun yelled al me 10 be careful of his
tripod. and the dark sinisler figure roared, "For @#$%s
sake, Janel, are you Irying lO kiU me?" It was Mr. Burl. My
wind chimes were driving him BONKERS and he'd
hauled himself lip on the wall to try and cut them down.
He stabbed himself in the calf wllh his pockerknlfe when
be fell oIT the wall.
 ...,
WlDHlSDAY 4 APRil
Everybody at school was v impressed by the way I tackled
Mr. Burl last night. And also they tllouglll it was the
funniest story they'd ever heard. Not so ar home. though.
Sigmund was APPALLED by the behavior of both of his
children. He said no wonder Justin's always being injured
in the line of duty. I no longer even Iry to make any sense
IS} Out of what these people say. but I did muller oh right,
nly brother the law enforcer. Signlund said he meant
taking pictures. Like that black eye. Somebody decked him
for taking his photo. GET THIS!!! Apparently the
Abomina ble Brother is sort of famous for taking photos of
street people (although they don't always appreciate it).
He's even had his work in some gallery. (You really would
think SOMEONE would tell me. wouldn't you?!!) All
this time I thought Justin was just really clumsy. And as for
me. Sigmund couldn't decide if I was JUSIincredibly stupid
or if I'm criminally insaue as well. The Mad Cow thinks I
should offer to walk Mr. Burl's dog for a week to show
him how sorry I am. The police. on the other hand. said I
did the righl thing and that Mr. llurl had no business
skulking Mound in Ihe dark like th,H. and I'm wuh them.
The only one who's shown any pride in my quick dlinking
and resourcefulness is Nan. She said it was what she
would've done. She said next rime to wake her up too.
THURSDAY SAPRIL
The stress just doesn't end! I was just selecting my supper
(vegetarian stir-fry dinner or pasta with salmon] when
Disha rang in a PANIC! Elvin turned up, looking for
Calum, bUI Calum was 01\1 and Elvin decided that rather 18)
than wail around wuh Mr. and Mrs. Paski. he'd walk her
10 our yoga class. I said what yoga class, and she said the
one [told him we go 10 together. Whal a memory! It's
lucky Elvin fixed the bloody bike, that's all I can say. [ told
Disha to walk SLOWLY and I raced to the yoga center.
I'd already pill my mat al the back when they arrived. I
acted well surprised 10 see them. And then, as if I wasn't
under enough stress already, Elvin decided 10 stay for the
class to see if it was as greal as we said. We staned our
with some breathing (easy). and chanting (dumb but
easy). and then even though it was almost night w~
Greeted the Sun (not too hard and vaguely familiar). All
was well until we had to stand on one leg and stretch out
our other limbs. Well, we're not flamingos, are we? l lost
 my balance and Greeted the Floor. Mary. the inslruclor.
said she didn't Ihlnk my lip was cut as badly as the amOUR!
of blood gushing from it would make you believe. You'd
think I'd deserve a quiet nighl afier thai. bUI God wasn't
through with me yel. ( had an encounter with the law on
the way home. A mororcyde cop pulled me over for nOI
baying lighls on my bike! Sappho's right-Ibey should usc
raxpavers' money to hunt down criminals.
lB4 fRIDAY' APRil
Ms. Slaples wanted 10 know if I'd finished Ihal story I was
working on. since she was hoping 10 read il over the
Easler break. ( .. id nOI yel. ( said I was trying 10 do some
,. complex Ihlngs with 1'101and sryle, which was holding
me up a bit. ( said ( was aiming 10 finish il over Easrer,
when ( had more free lime. She said she can't wail.
Came siraighl horne 10 pack for m)' secret weekend across
he road, Nan and justtn were silling on the sofa. Geek Iloy
doesn't usually have any expressions except asleep and
awake, but IOd"y he acrually looked WORRIED. In the
kitchen the Me and Signlund were reenacting the war ill
Kosovo. ( asked what was happening. Justin said Sigmund
bad [ust informed the MC u.al he had a conference 10 go
10 this weekend and had only come home to get his kil
and the MC went BA.LLlSTlC. Nan said that even
thougb Sigmund's her son she wouldn't blame my mother
if she beat him to death with bls elecromc organizer.
(Spoken like a true Chrtsrlan. right?!!) I said thai personally
( couldn't sec wbat she was all wound up about since be
was never home anyway. Justin found another
expresslon-e-comempt-e-and said he reckoned that was Ihe
whole point. Even baby-sluing the twins has got 10 be less
stressful than dealing wllh rlus 101!!!
115
SUIDAY I APRil
( think il was Ibal Scottish poet Roben Bums who said thai
no mailer how well a mouse or a man plans things. they
don't always turn out the way Ihey were meant to, He
speaks for me. ( planned ihe weekend carefully and preuy
Rawlessly, J told the Mad Cow Ihat Dlsh's pareDls had
invlted me to rbeir cottage for the weekend (no phonel) .
She didn't PUI up any objection, Afier Sigmund skulked
oIT011Friday and the smoke cleared, ( kissed her and Nan
goodbye and walked out of the from door with my satchel
over my shoulder.
 The twins and I spent Friday nigh t alone, ['-W3.sn'. '00 bad,
because Mrs. Kennedy IcC. a lorryload of food for us and
the twins were \valching videos in their room tln),,"vay. so I
spent most of the nigh. on the phone. Disha (heavily
disguised jus. in case she bumped into my mot her on the
street) came over on Saturday morning, II was Ius, as well
Dish. WaSthere, because the rwtns are defini.e1)' more
active in daylighl. They wanted '0 go outside (which. of
course, was OUT OF THE QUESTION). so we had '0
work v hard .0 keep them occupied. We were both
EXHAUSTED by lunchtime. And then the doorbell
186 rang. Dlsha looked a. me and I looked at her, I told her no.
.0 answer u. in case i. was my mother (you never can 'eli,
righ,!). The doorbell rang 'gain, DEMANDINGLY.
Paying no attention to a.nyone else. .15 per usual. the twins
ran out of the fl '0 answer it. Jus. in case it W,lS the Mad
Cow. I tried to work out a plausible excuse for being
Mrs. Kennedy's and no. in Wales as 1 raced af.er them,
The good news was .ha. i. wasu 't Ill)' mother. By the time
1 gOt down the stairs, the (wins had opened the from door
to a pair of policernen. It's amazing how policemen .a.J\\I.a)IS
look like policemen. even when they're not iii uniform.
isn't it? All [could .hlnk of W,lS now what have I done?
Shane \,'1\ shrieking thal his 11\\1111 wasn't home, The
policeman warned to know if his dad was in, They weren't
afler me! 1nearly collapsed with relief "He's in Jail." I said
from the stairs. The policeman said. "No. anymore. he's
no." Can you believe i.! Mr, Kennedy's escaped! Once I'd
made it clear .ha. neither Mr. nor Mrs. Kennedy was home.
more policemen materialized. They couldn '. believe 1
dldn '. know where Mrs. Kennedy was. so 1 explained ,ha, 1
hadn', expected a raid, had I! Bu. 1 did have. phone
number.The Mad Cow was so SURPRISED when J
arrived home wlth Disha, .he twins, and approximately half
the police force of north London ,ha, she didn't make a
big deal ,ba, Disha and 1 weren't in the countryside. Af.er
the police lef., the MC said she though. she should call 18J
Mrs. Kennedy '00. so she'd know 1I1eboys were all rlgh'
and all. So I gave her the liSl of emergency numbers Mrs.
Kennedy'd lef. She stared a, i. for. few seconds. and
then she wen. over '0 the memo board and stared at the
number Sigmund had left for a few seconds. and then she
said maybe 1 should ring; she was going .0 .ake a barh.
She was in there for ages. Dlsha thinks 1should REALLY
consider a career in literature, no mailer wh Ms. Staples
thinks of my plots. because you JUStcan', make this
Sluff up.
Acting TOTALLY QU' of character (and much to my
amazement) he MC said she wasn't going '0 boil me in
oil or any,hing like .ha. for lying '0 her about going '0
 ~
Mrs. Kennedy's. She said tlUI in future she'd appreciate it if
I made some vaglle attempt lell her rhe truth, but all in
10
all she though; Ihal compared 10 some people I hadn't
actually done anylhing wrong. And also I'd coped pretty
well with the cops and all. and al leasl I was Irying 10 earn
money 10 buy a phone and wasn't nicking Cars or doing
drugs or worse (whatever she thinks WORSE could be!!!).
MOIDAT 9 APRil
188
LISTEN TO THIS!!! TIle police rhlnk Mr. Kennedy
escaped because he found OUIMrs. Kennedy is fooling
around with another nlan!!! Is that DRAMA or what? It's
like somethlng out of a Quentin Taran1ino movie. except
so far dozens of people haven't been brutally murdered.
JUSIin case. Ihough. the cops have Mrs. Kennedy and the
twins in biding rill tile)' gel Mr. Kennedy back. Sigmund
gOI home well late 1.51 nlghl. afier ev~rYlhing had prelly
much simmered down. He 'vas v upset 10 hear what had
happened. though he didn't hear II from rhe MC since
she's even angrier with hill) now thetll she \'1,\$ on Frid,\y
and nOI onlv refuses 10 speak 10 hhu bill has moved back
into her bedroom with N,H'!!! Signuuld wanted to know
if the police hMI considered the poihllit)' of Mr. Kennedy
coming after HIM. since he's been Irylng 10 help Mrs.
Kennedy sort OUIber life. Tbe Mad Cow happened 10 be
within earshot and said the only words she'd spoken 10
him since he got home, which were lhal II hod occur red
10 her. and she only hoped thaI Mr. Kennedy was a re aUy
good shot. The menopause is giving ber a v black sense of
bumor.
Since it's the Easter holidays and all. and since he seems 10
have forgonen thai we never really finished Our bike ride.
and since I'm ABSOLUTELY desperate for sornethmg 10
do. I rang Elvin and suggested that we pick up where we II'
left off. He said he'd love 10. He'd REALLY. REALLY
love to. But he hurt his hand doing wing fu or c1l11og
Xu or whatever it is he does. so he's incapacit1led 11 the
moment. He'll ring me as SOOnas the swelllng goes down.
AI last ( have something 10 smile about.
IUUDAT 10 APRil
NOI only is the tension belween Sigmund and the MC
GINORMOUS, bUI Sigmund's aCling even more
peculi ar than usual. For months we've hardly seen him
because he's always working. bUI now he's canceled
 EVERYTHING and refuses to leavethe house. I asked
the Me what she thought was wrong with him and she
said (AND I QUOTE!!!). "He's a roul jerk. that's what's
wrong with him." I WAS SHOCKED. Really. It's one
thing me slagging him ofT-after all. being critical of your
parents is pan of the teenage experience. isn't it! But
Jocelyn's mani'" to him. Also. she's my mother. I don't
think it can be healthy for a child to have one parent
telling her what a tot'" waste of space and air her other
puent is. It feels like It breaks some rcall)' major rule.
People on the same team are meant to be loyal co one
190 another, aren't they?
Most of m)' mates have gone .wa)' for the E.tster holidays
(inclUding Disha, whose parents were lent .. cottage in
France for a few days and decided 10 go at the last
minute). So since 1'111 well BORED (there is no phone in
the French cOllage and D was forced 10 leave her rnobc at
home) and feeling very STRESSED by the war between
the Bandrys, I decided 10 forgive David for the pizza
incident (time really is the great healer. isn't it!) and asked
him if he wanted to spend the day with me. lie wanted to
know who else I'd invited "Iollg. and I said no one. We
went bowling up l'insbury Park. I wid David all about Mrs.
Kennedy and the pollee and cv<~rYlhiJlg.He could hardly
stop laughillg.
WEDNESDAY 11 APRil
Rang up Sara Dancer to see if she wanted to hang out,
but I never got a chance. SIT DOWN AND GRASP
THIS!!! Sara Dancer thinks she's PREGNANT!!! Her
period's DAYS late,I said don't be ridiculous; you can't
gec preglUllt from just ONE time, and Sara wantedto
know what I was doing during sex educauon-e-havtng one
of my out-of-body experiences? I said but THE FIRST
TIME? That really docs seem a bit harsh. Sara said It's not
like learning co skate or something like that: you don't
nero a few cries before your body gets the hang of it. I
asked her what she's going to do and she said gct a I"
pregnancy test. so. since I had nothing better to do
anyway, I went wuh her to buy it. She tnstsied on going
somewhere where it would be IMPOSSIBLE for us to
bump into anyone who knows either of her parents, which
largely left us with the options of Mayfair and Stoke
Newington. Mayfair's easier to gel to. I am tra happy that
I'm not the one who needs a pregnanc)' tcst, but r have to
say that tile whole experience made me feel v grown IIP-
like a heroine in some depressing reallsrlc novel. We got
a bit lost coming back and ended up caught in all rhe
tourists wandering round in confusion outside the V8:.A
with their cameras and their guidebooks. SM,I and [ were
discussing the fact that we haven't been in the V8:.Asince
 primary school when I suddenly noticed a fa~iliM face
in the middle of. clurch of Japanese tourists who were
b,,;ng their picture taken on the steps of the museum!
"Good God," I cried, "there's my brother." Sara wanted 10
know who his dishy friend was. Isaid what dishy friend
and she said the one taking everybody's picture, CLAMP
YOIJR MOVTH OVER YOIJR DENTlJRES! II
II was Elvin! He was holding the camera with TWO
HANDS!!! Which suggests that either he's made a
MIRACIJLOIJS RECOVERY or he was LYING
TO ME!!! I told Sara I didn't know who he was, I was
191 MIJCH TOO STVNNED 10 speak!!!
I decided to have a few words with the Abominable
Brother tonlghl, I asked him what he thought he was
doing. hanging out at the V&;\ with Elvin, who, .uler all,
is meam to be MY friend. jusun wanted to L'IloWif there
was something about him lhat attracted insane women or
if \\Ie were all insane.
I've been Ihinking A LOT about Sara Dancer. I decided
that at our age pregnancy is a bit like death, You never
really Ihink II's going II) happen 10 YOIJ!!! And also
although rill sure there must be TONS or Great (or even
just excruclanugly good) Women Anists and Wruers who
have also been rcrrific mothers. I couldn't think of an)'
offhand. so I Bipped through you, dear diuy, 10 see if
I could find any. I couldn 't, As an experienced child
minder, I know how demanding and time-consuming even
children who don 'I need Ihelr nappies changed can be.
When would you have lime 10 CREATE if you had a
baby? How could you devore yourself 10 your work if you
were tied 10 the schedule of an infanl? Sara Dancer wants
10 be a fashion designer nOI an artist. bUI I reckon it's not
THAT dlfferent, You still need .prtJr~oll"filpi~/lo get
your ideas and all, Plus fashion designers have 10 go 10 lots
of shows and celebrity parties and Sluff like that, wbich is
bard 10 do if you're breast-feedlng. 1'1
TIUI5DIY 111PIIl
I can't tell you how relleved I was this morning wben
Sara rang to say the lest was negarlve. She sounded preuy
relieved 100. She said if she'd known II was going 10 be
negative, she would've boughl some condoms while we
were in the chemlsr' s.
I was just geutng ready 10 scule down 10 writing my slory
when Marcus rang 10 say he's returned 10 Ye Olde London.
He asked me 10 go to the Tate Modern wuh him, so I said
 I'd been dying to go but somehow had never'gor round ro
it, [t was all righl. The bulldtng's prelly cool, But Marcus
and [ agreed thaI even though we're .)1lI1II~(lilt! r '{Mill'
{jan/r we're nOI really into modem art. Marcu, says Jim/
has been replaced by mere cleverness. [ was v impressed. I
thought that was a v profound pcrce pnon and said so.
Marcus said what did I think. that he was jusl another
e.'luordinarily handsome face. and I said no. I never
thought Ibal. (Sometimes we re..lly crack each other up!!!)
We go< v bored of soulltssolI1 In a "cry shon ume, so we
wem om for coffee. I told Marcus .11 abom Mrs. Kennedy
194 and the police. of course. and he I.ughed even more than
David had.
To show you exactly how TENSE the atmosphere is
at home and how desperate we all arc for some neutral
conversation. [ustin .ctually asked me how [ liked the Tate
Modern at supper. I sald I thought some of it was preuy
cool. but lhal Oil the whole I felt that modern art had
replaced soul ,\lith lucre cleverness. [usdn Solidhe'd read
that piece in the Guurdian too.
SATURDAY 14 APRil
Nm's all wound up because she read In the paper lh.t
according to some poll nearly 50 percent of the
population has no ide. why we celebrate Ea.uer. I sald I
thought it had somethlng to do with the founding of
Cadbury. Both Justin and the Me laughed. which is preuy
much a firsl for one of MY jokes. Nm sald she just hoped
I "'cIS joking.
(ISHR DIY I"
lnstead of the Easler Bunny. the Easter Bethsheba turned
up al the door with a v peculiu-looldng hard-boiled cgg
for my brother. She said she made it herself. I said it
looked like it'd been cooked in tea and she sald It was, in
Darjeeling. Then she wanted to know If Just was back from
Greece yet. (So THAT explains why she hasn't been
haunting our road I'lciy!!!) It took me a few seconds to
absorb (his. I was about to say oh yes. he's back and he's
siuing in the kitchen right now. when Nan suddenly
loomed up behind me and shout ed right in my ear dlat
something had gone wrong with jusun's flight and we had
 no idea WHEN he was getting hack. Bethstleba said oh.
but before she could say .nything else Nan shut the door
very firmly In her face, I said to Nan that I was
SHOCKED that she'd lied like that. I said is that what
Jesus would've done? Nan said no, of course He wouldn't.
Jesus would've zapped Bethsheba like a fig tree or turned
her into salt,
The Me said th.t so we could .11 eat the same thing she
was declaring Easter a no-meat holiday and she made fish.
You'd think that even Sigmund could carve salmon without
196 too much trouble, bill you'd be wrong. He was Imt about
to make the first Clll when. CArbackfired In the street. He
hit the floor as though he'd been shot. Eve.rybodythought
it was HILARIOUS, except Sigmwld, who said 11 was
obvious none of us read the papers or we'd realize )"SI
how violent a SOCIetywe live in.
MONDAY 16 APRil
There was some [ubilarlon in the Rancho Bandry tonight
because Nail', lin"lly gone home, Sigmund was '0 cxcued
that he actually volunteered to drive her, but the Me <a,,1
,he W", going om ",)'wa)' and she'd take her, Sigmund
said what about supper, and the Me said that she reckoned
a fifty-five-year-old mao with three psychology degrees
should be able to manage supper on his own, Fornm.ately I
don't have to sit around half the night while Sigmund tries
to find the pasta because Dish. 's finally b.ck and I'm going
over there. ( feel like someone being released from prison.
Or a bird released from its cage, Ie wouldn 'r've been so
bad if ( could at least have talked to her On the phone.
God kIlOWShow anyone survived before the telephone was
invented. I may have to name my firstborn Bell.
",
TUlSDIY 111PRil
I can't teU you how good it was to see om I feel like I've
been living in the wilUmtss without her. Than}: God there
was no one home when I gOt back. I don't think I could
BEAR to interact wuh my f.mily nght now. Ir's only
afier finally talking to someone who understands me and
thinks and feels as ( do that ( realize what. strain I've been
under this past week,
Life really is full of SURPRISES, isn't it? Hang on 10
your wig- YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELieVE
WHAT'S HAPPENED NOW!!!
 After 1filled you in on recent events, 1s'.lJ'u;d working
on some sketches for an, (I wish I'd gone to sec those
paintings with Marcus, Which of my slyles is it?) Atl)"\'~y,
1 gOt preuy immersed in that. (Art is all-consunung, after
all.) 1 heard justin come home (he was )'clUng at
someoue-e-presumably Bethsheba-e-to leave him alone),
and then 1 heard Sigmund come in (he was singing some
old song). Nex, rime 1 looked up it was nearly seven, 1 was
famished. 1 went to the kitchen [0 see bow long it was lill
supper, Sigmund was silling at the table, drinking a glass
of wine and smoking a cigarelle and suring Imo space, 1
198 asked him if he was planning 10 feed us anytime lonighl.
He told me to gel the rake-away menus, "Wbere's Mum?"
1asked. He said didn't 1 gel the leiter she lefl me in Ill)'
room? 1 said 1 hadn'l seen any leiter, but I went 10 look
just to keep him happy. 1 reckon j musr've been in what
Sigmund cans denial. because it didn't even occur to me
that the MC had abandoned ship (well. it wouldn't, would
it?). 1suppose what 1 v.guely reckoned was that she
musr've taken a sudden holiday, After all, i.'s. well-known
facl that middle-aged women who are sick of their boring
lives oflen go on holiday to Greece and have oln:tirs wlrh
gigolos, walters, or fishermen, (It's "ImoSI romantic In a
depressing sort of way.) And also menopausal women are
known 10 he impulstvc and unpredictable '00. The leuer
\V.1~ on top or In)' chc~( of drawers. under some >;tu(f I'd
decided not to wear, She basn'l gone '0 Greece. She's gone
to Hackney '0 Stay with Sappho and M'gs!!! You could've
knocked me down with. paper clip, REALLY!!! The
first time j read it, 1 thought It was jok.e until 1 got to the
end and realized there wasn't any punch line, The second
time 1 read iI, 1didn't know what 10 think. It might as
well have been written in code for all the sense it made,
Then, obviously unsettled by this unexpected and shcckmg
news, [ made an UNPRECEDENTED move!!!
1 showed my leuer to Iustln. He had one '00, though be
didn't seem as shocked and surprised as you'd think. The 199
letters are pretty much the same. They both say that the
M.d Cow's sorry '0 leave 1I$ like this, but she's been
feeling very unhappy and confused lately, and having Nan
around was too much added stress, so she's decided she
needs break. She'd be rhrtlled if we wanted '0 call ber,
but she can understand If we're angry and upset and don't
want to speak to her jllSI yet. She said if justin and 1were
rounge,r she wouldn't have gone, bUI we're old enough
now to be able to gel on without her for a while, 1said 10
[ustin, "I don't get I!. She didn't need 10 leave 10 get away
from Nan. Nan's gone back 10 Clapham," justin said she
didn't leave because of Nan: she lefl because Sigmund's
such. jerk, 1said bUI he's ,\Iways been a jerk, and justin
said, "Wake lip, janet. The man Mrs, Kennedy's been
 dlealing with is dear old Dad." I was so golfsmacked I
didn't know what 10 say.
RighI after the take-away Justin sloped off as usual and
Signlund. clutching his wine and muuering about how
the MC could al least have lefi him the car, staggered off to
the Bunker. I don't know if they thought I was going 10
clean up the mess from supper, bUI if they did they were
REALLY deluded. As soon as r was alone I rang D 10 tell
her what'd happened, As one would expect. Dish. was
SHOCKED AND HORRIFIED. She said imagine
100 Mrs. Kennedy (who looks like she was invented for SEX)
havtng it ofT with Sigmund (who looks like he was
invented 10 wear old clothesjtn And also D said she'd
always thouglu of my mother as being so STABLE and
family-oriented. And what day was that? Dish. said no
really, Who did I think kept everything rogerher! Sigmund
can', even find the coffee wuhout help, And then D
remembered that she had said the Me seemed tense. wluch
is true, Isaid Isull reckoned that leaving me with Sigmund
and the Abominable Brother is V DRASTIC, D said at
least I have 10 admit I have au uucresung life, She says if
I don 'I become a major novelist I should consider wriling
for the soaps!':
WIDIUDAY 18 APRil
A. firs; I was v calm and philosophical about the MC
leaving home. And, anyway, I was preuy shocked by
Sigmund's behavior-you expect more from a
psychorheraptsr, especially if he's your father, BUI D and
I have already discussed how everyone has a secret self,
so I wasn't totally unprepared. In reality, we are on our
own in this life and have 10 learn .0 deal with that and be
independent and responsible, (Thar's One of rhe really good
things about being in the DP: you're .not looking a. the
world through the rose-tinted glasses of a child. You 101
appreciare how drtp, aNI polinfu[ life can be.) I could tell from
my reaction that the lasr few months have &EALLY
matured me, But IOnight I was lefl alone io the kitchen
wuh the dirty dishes (AGAIN) and il finally hit me what
the Me's done!!! She's ABANDONED ME!!! Me, her
only daugh.er!!! If you ask me, she mighl as well've left
me in a skip with a note pinned '0 my nappy On the day
I was born, In fact, ir would've been a KINDNESS!!! AI
least it would've saved me all those years of
DELUSION -of Ihinking I was wanted. cared for, and
loved! I mean, what does it mailer what she wrote in her
lwer? She. didn 'I give one nanosecond's thougbi to how
Ihls would AFFECT ME!!! If thar's 1101 MEGA
SELFISH I don't know what is, I burst into tears. I jusl
 sal there at the table, surrounded by the enipl)' containers
of fast food. weep.illg like an orphan. my ,foil/ bowling.
HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME? Eventually1
pulled myself together. After all. 1 am adult enough to
accept the f.ct that 1am ON MY OWN.
THURSDAY 19 APRil
I'm going to get a T-shirt made that says liDmeh lieU.
202 When 1 got up this morning, not only were all the dirty
dishes. etc., exactly where they were last night. but
Sigmund was still in the Bunker playing Bob Dylan at a
volume more appropriate to dance music. Loyal friend that
she is, D caine found to console rue. She wanted to tid)'
up. but I said 1reckoned Sigmund should do it, since it's
his fault the MC left. Neither of us could stand the dJlom and
gloom Or Dylan for long. so we arranged to meet Marcus
and David for lunch so I could get my mind ofT my woes.
That didn't exactly happen. since my woes were mainly
whar we talked about. David and Marcus were well
shocked about SigUlluld and also about the MC's behavior.
The)' agreed with me that though leaving home is preuy
typical for MEN, mothers aren't meant Co do things like
that. If you ask me, u's unnatural for J. 11101her to JUSt walk
out on her children wuhour even a little wapting. 1can
understand her abandoning Justin -if you ask me. she
waited eighteen years more than sbe should have-but I'm
her DAUGHTER. How could she do this to me? Neither
Marcus nor David knows the answer. to that question. (The
only one who disagrees is Disha, who is showing some
feminist tendencies heretofore unsuspected, D says she
reckons rhe mistake the Mad Cow made was in not tarring
and feathering Sigmund before she left!!!)
Anyway. we had a v interesting discussion about marriage
over lunch. 1 said the thing that really got me was how 10J
,SUI:lDEN this all was. 1mean, my parents argued a lot,
but they al"ays argued a lot, especially lately, so bow was I
meant to know it was dffferem lbis time? That's what
married couples do. isn't it? Tbey argue. Everybody agreed.
Marcus said his parents once had a four-day argumenr over
tbe nghr way to boil an egg. and David said his mother
once threw a Weight Watchers chicken dinner at his dad.
straight from the microwave. Even Disha agreed that
though the government's always telling everybody that
they should be married, it's probably a lot less stressful to
join an army in combat.
 fRIDAY 10 APRil
Despuc the fact thar be never spoke 10 her when she was
here, Geek Boy rang the MC tonlglu, probably 10 tell her
that we're running out of food and there's no washing
powder left. (Sigmund, as per usual, was in the Bunker,
He seems 10 be going rhrough all five hundred Bob Dylan
albums in chronological order. which means he won't be
0\11 till the weekend at the earliestttt] After he finished
grunting into the phone, Justin said the Me wanted
10 talk 10 me, bUI I said 10 tell her I was busy. In an
104 UNPRECEDENTED geSLUreof sensitivity and
diplomacy, [usrin put the phone on hold and said I should
talk [0 her Or I'd hurt her feelings. I said what was he
Irying 10 do, make me try' What about MY feelings'
Then be said I was aCling like a child!!! Is that rich or
what? J said I wasn't the one who ran away from horne.
I'd LITERALLY jusl hung up from lalking 10 D when
the phone raog again. I practically [umpcd!'! It was Sappho.
She said the MC was really hurt that I wouldn't talk 10 her.
I said she wasn't the only one who was hurl. l-10\\1 did she
think I feiL?Sappho said maybe I should Ify 10 PUI myself
in the Me's place. and r said thai was not a location [ ever
wanted to be in.
As you know, I was v traurnarizcd when I ~aw Elvin at the
V&A with my parents' other child. But I have had Lime (0
think -abour it and I realize I mal' have overreacted, JUSI
because Elvin didn't LOOK as if be were In pain doesn't
mean tim he wasn't, Riiling a bike and holding a camera
aren't exactly the same thing, are they? And maybe he was
suffering when I spoke 10 him on the phone, bUI his hand
started 10 heal rather spectacularly after that. So I decided
10 put it behind us, and after I raiked to D I rang up Elvin,
As a Serious Filmmaker (and an older man) I reckoned
he mtgh; have some valuable advice. for me during these
diffieulLtimes, His mother said he wasn't in. I said could 105
she tell him [anet rang. She sald janet who? I said Bandry.
And do you know what she said?!! She wanted 10 know if
I was justin's sister!'! Maybe I should encourage Geek Boy
10 visit India for a couple of years, He'd love India. It's
absolurely FILLED with poor people who live on the
street.
I couldn't gel to sleep so finally I decided [0 see if
Sigmund bad left any wine in the fridge. I reckoned a glass
of wine would help me relax. II was one in the morning,
but tile lighl was still on in the Bunker. At first I thought
Sigmund had thoughtfully turned his stereo down really
low, bUI then I realized the sound l.could hear was him
la!king on the phone so I uptoed down the hal) 10 listen. I
 reckoned he was lalking 10 Mrs. Kennedy. HI: wasn't, He
was Ialklng 10 Mrs, Bandry!!! Even more AMAZING, he
was begging her 10 come borne, I can only assume u's the
car he's ~fler,
Everybody was going 10 David's rornght to watch videos,
but I sraved home, When you have a major upheaval In
your life 0ikc your female parent running away and your
father having it off with a neighbor), it nukes YOIl
lnlrosprctivr ~lIdrrfiulivr, NOI for me the brighl Iighls of
Hollywood and the Innocent clntchat of my friends over
l06 snacks and fizz)' drinks, The crisps would have turned '0
ashes In my mouth. My mood demanded the comforting
glow of candles, the warm seen, of sandalwood, and
anguished [azz squeezed from the JOll4 the notes flowmg
through the night like blood.
~UHDAY 21 APRil
Sigmund has emerged!!! lie doesn't look grea" bUI a' lcasr
he's turned off rhe stereo and he says he's going to go
back (0 work IOlnOrrO\\I. Apparently Mr. Kennedy's been
apprehended, J said did this mean Mrs. Kennedy was back
and I'd be baby-silting the twins on Thursday, and
Sigmund jusl sbook his head v slowly but didn't say
anything. I'm taking that as a no,
Bethsheba was back In her usual position on the front
steps when I got home from D's thts afternoon, Since
I'd more or less forgouen about her, I was v surprised,
She said she'd been trying 10 ring Justin for days, bUI the
phone was always engaged so she decided to come over
in person. I said she should ring him on his mobe because
there were other people In the Rat besides justin who also
needed to use the phone, I sald anyway, I was under the lOl
impression that they'd broken up, and she said no, it
was JUSta misunderstanding. She said I must know how
dlfficulr Justin can be, TELL ME ABOUT IT!!! I told
her if she was wailing for justin to get home she was
going 10 have a long wait because he'd gone round to our
aunt's. Sbe wanted 10 know where Sappho lived and I told
her, If you ask me, it serves justin ngbl. If he spent more
lime with his own friends he wouldn't be spending time
with MINE!!!
If somebody doesn't do tlte dishes soon 1I0t only are we
going to run out of plates and cutlery-e-we won't even be
able to have a cup of tea!!!
 .
I was watching Icily lonighl 10 lake m)' mind off all
01)' problems, (I dOIl'1 believe one can be a TOTAL
rNTELLEC1VAL 011 of the lime; there Me limes in life
when simple amusement is necessary. which I reckon
explains why so many Gre>! Wrilers and AniSlS are also
alcohotlcs.) I musr've Sat on the remote because suddenly
the set switched ilself On standby, That was when I realized
that Sigmund was on the phone in the Bunker again,
Steahhy as a cal, I moved towards his door. This lime ( was
ABSOLUTELY sure he was talking to Mrs. Kennedy
because he kept saying the L-word. And then I heard him
108 say my mother's name, l couldn'i make OUIwhat else he
said, but al a guess it was probably tim be thougln there
was someone outside the door because he suddenly yanked
il open, I satd I was looking for 01)' earring and he
believed me,
MONDAY B APRil
[usrin threw a major wobbly when he gOI horne Ihis
afternoon. He marched into Iny TQOln without even
knocking, I <,llelexcuse me, bUI you can't [ust barge lmo
a person's room like that. and he went DEEP red and
started <hokanghkc a Chihuahua, Then he suncd
screanting!!! (He's oIways been v volatile and emouonally
unstable, but if he keeps this up he 'U have a heart mad
before he gets OUIof on school.) He wanted to know what
was wrong with ME!!! I snd ME? What did I do? He
said I was the MORON who told Bumshi where he
was yesterday. Was I OBLrVIOUS? Or did I really live
on my own planet? Didn'l I see lh.t Bumshlva's a mad,
deluded creature who's been st.lking him? It was JUS!as
well I was already lying on my bed or I would've collapsed
from laughter, If 1'011ask me, Ihe Abominable Brother's
been watching lOOmany movies, SI.lking! ( mean, really.
get. life, It's preuy obvious tI,al the girl isn't worlting 10'
with a complete deck or she wouldn't be interested in
Justin in the firsl place, bUI STALKING?!! People wbo
stalk aren't trendy art students; they're usually bolding
losers with bad dress sense and worse breath, Justin said it
wasn't funny, He spent the nlgbt .t Sappho's because even
though he told Bethsheba 10 go away she stayed outside
the house and he didn't want to end up trying to ger.home
from Hackney with her in the dead of night, I said I was
under the impression that he and Bcthshcba were back
together, which was why I told her where he was, and he
asked me who told me Ihal. I said well, who did he think I
He said I was a con man's dream, Wah till he 6nds OUI(
gave her his mobile number,
 Disha says it's possible rhat Bethsheba reall)"'ls stalking
Justin, She says she thinks certain sons of stalking can
happen to anyone. like measles or something. She says
you'd have to .have .0 obstssi~t ptrSon~liIy,but artists often
do. I said give me a BREAK Who could get obsessive
about a boy who shops in Oxfam and always smells of
developer? Disha said apparently Bcthsheba.
TUlSOAY 24 APRil
210
Nan rang last nigh' 10 find OUIwhy no one's rUllg her to
see if she's all right. Since the only persall who would
think to ring her isn't here anymore, I admitted that the
MC had TUnaway from horne. Nan said she always knew
something like this would happen, right from the moment
Sigmund rurned up at the church in a wedding coat and
high-laps. She offered to come back and look after us.
Personally this struck me as a reasonable idea, since Nan
believes in vtcionan values like meals and household
maintenance, but Sigmund looked like tlus was all the
good news he needed for the rest of his life and lied
and said we were doing just fine on our o\vn-he's not
INCOMPETENT, is he? (I couldn't hear Nan's answer,
but even though she's old she isn't exacrly srupidf} Then
he said i, wasn't as if the MC'd lefl for good: she was just
taking a leave of absence, I jus, hope the MC knows that,
WEO.ISOAY H APRil
There are some disadvantages to being a motherless child
that I haven', thought of before, For one thing, there's the
fcod.Tm the first 10 admit thai ti,. MC's one of the worst
cooks 10 ever make IUllIPy gravy, bur at least she does
cook. Now that she's living it up in Hackney, nobody 211
Can be bothered to go shopping, SO we're slililiving on
lake-away. (Take-away's all righl for a couple of days, but
you'd be AM.A:ZED how quickly tile charm wears off,
I mean, jt'S not what you'd want as a steady diet.
Especially nOI when your choice is pretty much pizza or
pizza: if you don't want to do the dlshcs.) So, since no
one's shopping, we're 001 only OUIof food, but ,ruff like
detergent and bog rolls as well (we're reduced 10 using
newspaper-I can't tell you how GROSS thar is). And
also I had a 'report 10 typ,. up for history, and even though
Sigmund can Iype almost as well as the MC he
REFUSED to do it for me. It took me EONS with only
IWOfingers! The other 'hing is that rhe health and
sanltauon standards of 'he flat have slipped so much thai
 it's gelling v hard to find things. and if )'OUPUl
something
down you have to check first that you' re not puuing it in
something disgusting. I said to Sigmund. didn't he rhink il
was time he found the Hoover. and he said why dtdn'i I
find il? (Yeah. rigln! If he dunks I'm going 10 be his
SKIVVY he tan think again.) Ihope he is right and the
Me will come back once she's calmed down or I may have
to move '0 Hackney too!!! I don't think I couJd survive
indefinnely with Sig'lllmd in charge.
Disha says '0 look on the briglu side. 1 asked her what .h.,
112 is. Disha says that this is meant '0 be our year of spiruual
and intellectual growth. and I'm definitely doing that. And
also it's pretty dark. I said that if I gel stuck living on my
own with Sigmund for the res' of my life u's going to be
more like a black hole than a Dark Phase. BUl I can see she
has a poim.
THUR~OAY 16 APRil
I 'old Disha how selfish I thin k 'he Me is being. and she
sald have I rhouglu about how I'd feel if I were in the Me's
place? I said she was beginning 10 sound like Sappho .. mel
she said no REALLY. Wh., would I do if I found (>111
my husband was running around wlth '11l(\lherwoman-
cook him supper? I said nOI likely. If I cooked him suppc.r
it would. only be 10 dump it over hls.head. D saki
EXACTLY!" She said if I'm going 10 be pissed ofT wtth
anyone. it should be Sigmund.
fRIDAY II APRil
Disha's gOt. point. Sigmund's always lelling me I'VE gOI
a long way 10 go before I'm an adult, bUI if you ask me so 1IJ
has he. He doesn't DO anYlhing! He just goes 10 work and
then he comes home and goes back 10 meBunker to listen
'0 1Rr. lJ",m oUld~m. (I should've dumped all his Dylan
albums ill the bin while he was OUI,)
I decided 10 break down and ring the Me tonight. It's
ironic considering how she drives me crazy. but I'm really
slarting 10 miss her, And besides the general quality of life
descending quickly into Third World levels. I don't know
where my Pc kit is and L gOI yelled al again by Mrs. Wisl
today. The Me sounded surprised 10 hear from me. I said I
wasn't angry with her (which is more or less In' e. though
I'm sull v irked). [ said I'd been thinhng about it and if
I'd found out my husband was runuing 'around with
 ~
another woman I would've gone too. And then I. sked her
when she was coming back, She said, "For God's sake,
janet, I've only just left." I sald no, re.Uy, I said if she
didn't want to live with SignuUld anymore (and who could
blame her?), wouldn't it make more sense to make him
move out? The MC laughed, but not AT me (for a
changet). more like in surprise, She said my Dark Phase
must really be changing me because I'm '(1u.II)' sounding
more mature, If you ask me, It's the MCwho's changing
(I've ALWAYS been v mature for my age), but I didn't
say that to her. I said it's. well-known fact that children
114 of divorce grow up suddenly (I bend It on Opr.h),
~ATURDAY 18 APRil
Dish. was hauled .way for the weekend by her parents.
and the usual suspects (David and Marcus) arc doing
sornethlng male and Juvenile logether tonighl, so I S3I
myself down and went into ("l'ulir(' ';flollt" It's true what
the pOCtSsay about it being a REALLY rouen wind IhM
doesn't blow some good somewhere, isn't it? With the
exception of people like Tolkien and jefl'rey Archer, lOISof
writers use their O\VI1 lives {or rhe basis of ficuon, btu up
till now I'd always felt Ih.1tIny life wasn't BIG enough for
that yet, But after what 0 said about not being able to
make up the stuff tbat happens to me, I decided to give
it a try, It's about a girl whose self-centered f~ther uses her
to mind his lover's children whlle they go to cheap hotels,
and then the lover's psychotic husband brew out of prison
to avenge himself on the self-ceruered f.ther, but when the
girl captures the psychotic prisoner and becomes ~ hero,
her mother finds out what's been going on and leaves
home, I'm c.1IIingit "Reasons Never to Get M~rried,"
liS
~OID1T 191PRil
Tbere wasn't any milk in the lIat this morning, so Ihad to
go out and get some, AGAIN, I'm going to sun keeping
a record, An)'way, it's not even eight in the morning and
the first thing I see when I step outside is the 9lt11ritnd
from
htU!Since I gOt all th.t grief from [ustln for JUSttalking to
Bethsheba, Idecided to ignore her, She called my name,
but I kept right on walking, When I gOt back with the milk
she was standing in front of our door, I told her [ustln was
still sleeping, and she said how nice it would be if she
could have a cup of tea while she walled, I told her there
was a care nearby, She didn't budge, I said would she
mind stepping aside so Icould get into my own home,

and she srarted crying and going on about how she
LOVED Justin and how if only she could talk to him they
could patch everything up. (Till about drama queenttt)
NOI only was I DYfNG for a cup of tea, but I was gOlllg
to have to dig a cup OUIof the sink and wash it before I
could have one, so I was less than MEGA sympathetic. I
told her tha! as far as I could see. Justin had even less
interest in her than he did in translating MansJidd PorkInto
Sanskrit, I advised her to get a life.
That's when she Went for me! [Literallyl!l} I know this
116 may sound naive, but I really wasn't expecung to be
auackcd on Illy own doorstep. Which gave Berhsheba the
advantage. She lunged straight al me and knocked me over.
(If you ask me, it's a miracle I wasn't wounded.) It's just
as well Sigmund's a light sleeper. He charged out in
nothing bill his boxers (which is nos a preu)' sight-if
photographs of Sigmlllld in his boxers were given out in
sex ed there'd be a whole lot less pregnant teenagers in
this country, believe me), shoming like a kung fu warrior,
Of course, It wasn't SolIJn'! spJwn be was shrieking at. It W.lS
ME-the iunocent victim!!! What the hell are YOI1doing?
Yadda y"dda yadda , .. What I was actually doing, besides
trying 10 push the stupid cow off me. was open the milk
so I could tr)' 10 drown her. Sigmund gOI us both inside
and then he went lO wake lip Justin, but [usnn had already
escaped through the garden despite the IJo9by traps.
Sigmund, of course, was TOT ALL Y oblivious to what
had been going on, but Bcthsheba was excruciatingly
happy to fill him in. Anywoly, Sigmund was all Mr.
Concerned Puent and Comforllng Shrink, while I (of
course!!!) got stuck with making the tea and washing OUt
THREE cups, etc,
Eventually Bcthsheba calmed down enough to say she was
sorry for trying to Cut my promising life short, but she was
in a v emotional state (11m,duh , , , really?1/) and she
couldn't believe I told her to GET A LIFE wben that was 111
what she had. Neither Sigmund nor I knew what she was
on about. We looked at each other, and then we looked at
her again and Sigmund said, "Pardon? I'm not certaia I
uaderstand=-" and Bethsheba started crying again, HANG
ON HARD TO ANYI'HING THAT ISN'T
CEMENTED DOWN!!! Bclhsheba, through a
churning ocean of tears. s~d tholt what she meant was that
she's carrying Justin's child! Even Sigmund didn't have an
answer for that one. He JUStsat there like a beached fish,
staring at her, I took advantage of this moment of
SHOCK AND HORROR to pretend I had to go to the
100 (nor that either of them noticed). I walked straight OUI
of the front door and went to Dish. '5. (What would I do
WITHOUT HER? I ask you!!!) D called it the Auack of
 ..
the Killer Cow. She said did I rc.lly think Justin would be
srupid enough to get Bumshiva knocked uJl and I asked her
if shed mel my brother. I was going to stay over at D's,
but in the end I decided to come home and work on my
story. It's so ABSOLUTELY true that suffering fuels
creauvny, isn't it? let's face it: shallow. happy people write
Burger King jingles, bUI deep, unhappy people write War
end Peact.
218 MONDAY 10 APRil
Iustin suyed al Sappho's again last nighl and the Mad Cow
brought him home Ihls afiernoon. She said she reckoned h
was time the four of us sat down and had a SERIOUS
talk, Sigmund said 100 bloody righl and immediately
started going on about justin being. disgrace. The MC
wanted to )a10\V what he was on about. and when
Sigmund explained she and justin boih fell about laughing,
which made Sigmund go into morally superior mode
(which is probably his favorite). He said he was shocked
that the MC. of all people. would condone justin's
irresponsible behavior. justht stopped l.ltIghing long
enough to say that he wasn't like Sigmund and didn't
indulge in irresponsible behavior. Sigmund said th,lI getting
your girlfriend pregnanl and then dumping her like a hot
polalo was pretty Irresponsible In his book. [ustln Solidfirsl
of ill Bumshiva'd NEVER been his girlfriend and Ihu
second of all she WASN'T PREGNANT; she was jusl
insane. Sigmund said. "That's what you say." Justin said it
was. The Mad Cow had ...tready heard the whole tortured
tale from Justin (obviously), and she TOTALLY believed
him. Sigmund gOt all haughlY and raised an eyebrow and
alI1il:e he'd completely forgouen he was meant 10 be
trying 10 enconrage the Me 10 like him again and said
REALLY? The Me said REALLY. She said If Belhsheba
actually was preggers it was either an immaculate
conception or the father was someone we dldn't know,
Sigmund asked her how she could be so sure, and the Me
said because Iustin W'SO'I a compulsive liu like the only
other male in this family!!! I jusl sat there, observing .11of
this llke a Great Writer would, bUI I have 10 admit I was v
Impressed by my mother. l'd never seen her like litis
before. Then she said that anyway. Bethsheba's histrionics
weren't what we had to talk about. YOII could lell from the
way he immediately started nodding and looking v serious
like someone on N(lVsnight that Sigmund thought thts meant
she was ready 10 come horne for good. But I was walchlng
the NEW jocelyn Bandry and I had my doubts (and also I
noticed she didn't have a suitcase with her). You should've
seen Sigmund' s face when the MC said she was corning
 home, bUI only because he was moving ouf. (If he
doesn't SlOp looking like a dying 6.sh I may have 10 change
his name 10 Troul!!!) Sigmund wanted 10 know where this
brilltam idea came from but the MC jusl smiled and gave
me a look.
TUHDAY 1 MAY
I gave !vis, Slapies my SIOrytoday. It's over TEN PAGES.
110 Ms. Staples said no wonder il look me so long 10 write. I
said I KNOW how busy she Is and .11 (apparently
teachers. like whales, are an endangered spectesut). bUI I
would REALLY appreciate il if she could read il .5 soon
as she has a chance. Now that my creativity has been
turned on, it needs FEEDBACK Ms. Staples said she'd
do her best.
WlDNlSDAY 1 MAY
I'd like 10 Iltillk lh.1 ihe new [ocely Baudry owe,
somelhmg 10 me and the Dark Phase. I mean. u's IX5lble.
,m'l il? She ....w me Strugghng 10 hve deeply and
meaningfully and she was inspired. She looked at her own
life and she saw its sh4UllUlnrss
andIriuialUy,and she was
lin.lly ready 10 face the pain and remake herself. The Dark
Phl$e has DEFINITELY affecled Disha. I have a1w.ys
known thaI I will never have a beuer friend than Dish.
Paski-ool if I live 10 be a MILLION (though, really,
who would wam 10?)'-OUl now she has surpassed herself.
How? I hear you ask, And this is how. To stop my torment
Disha look direct action. She just carne rigbl OUI10d asked
Calum if Elvin WAS interested in me or not, Calum ....id Or
not. Dish. said she was woodering because Elvin had SOrt
of made a play for me, and Calum said. "Oh, that." D 111
wanted 10 know oh what. Turns OUIElvin was hoping that
if he gOI friendly with me he could gel Justin 10 help him
with b.is film. My ooly consolation is Ihal Elvin's stupid
film is also the reason he was cooing round Catriona,
Because of her father. He was hoping he could gel It on
Icily. I'm DEVASTATED! Mine is a rrusung nature. I
can't believe someone could be so duplicitous, Disha says
well, live and learn-thal's wh .. life's all about, isn't ill
(She really has MATURED!!!)
 .,

THURSDAY J MAY fRIDII4111

NOTHING lasts for ever, that's the truth. LaStweek
1 was a motherless child, and now I'm a fatherlessone.
Sigmund moved out tonighr. lthough. as Justin says. it
isn't as 'fhe's gone FAR. He's gOta flat ill KemishTown.
The Me's saying this is a trial separation. but Sigmund
couldn't have been halfway up the road before she was
III rearranging their bedroom. Alreadythe living standards
have risen. There's bog roll in the bathroom and we had
meatballs and s!"gheui for supper. 11wasn't as bad as 1
remember, but LIla! could just be because I've been on the
Sigmund SaJldryStarvationDiet. Now that Elvinhas proved
nor to be a Man of Principlesbut a Sn.1litin the GrollS 0( lDut,
I've started uting meat again. I mean. really. why not?
I AM DEFINITELY ON MY CREATIVE WAY!!!
Ms. Stapleswas v impressed with my story. She says it's
funny. inSightful,and ORIGINAL. She even wants to
publish it in the school magazine. She did say we'll have
to sit down and discuss It IN DEPTH, of course. She
says she still feels I have a problem with implausible plots.
III
I said it's not MY problem-It's LIFE'S.

David rang tonight to see if I wanted to go to a film on

Saturdaynight. I said yes. He said JUSt)'OU and me. right?
I said of course. At least I know that David is an honest
persoll and Interested ill ME-not my brother. And also
(since rill not COMMITIED to anyone yet) I've
already arranged to go tce-skanng on Sunday with Marcus.
 GLOSSARY

999 U.K. equivalent of 911

ALEVEL HATH$ Advanced-level exam in
marhematlcs. usually taken at age 18
A-Z street map of London
BANGING ON (colloq.) talking endl essly

a,SCUITS cooues
OLOKES (colloq.) noen/boys
BLOODY (colloq" vulgar) very: used as an
all..purpose Intensifier
BlOODY-HINDED (colloq; vulg.r) stubborn.
pighe.ded
lOG ROll (colloq.) toilet paper
BOXING DAY the day after Christmas
BRILLIANT very good. excellent
CAPITAL Got..o British radio station:
plays oldy-moldles from the sixties
CARRIER BAG plasuc shopping bag
C H E HIS T phanllac),
CHIPS french frtcs
CHUff ED (colloq.) pleased
cow PAT pile of (;O\\! dung
C"IS', CRISP WRAPPER potato chip: b<lg
of potato chips
CROUCH ENO il neighborhood in nonh LoH'don GIVEA TOU (colloq .. "ulgar) care
CUPBOARD closet GOI. (colloq,. vulgar) mouths
DINNER LADY a woman who cooks or serves food GOasHACKIO (colloq .. \'\Ilgar) astounded
in .i school rnetcna, GONE Off gone bad; spoiled
DISHY (colloq.) vcry good looking; cute HAlf.TI""one-week mldsemester vacauon
DRIBBLING drooling HAVINGIT Off (colloq .. vulgar) Iuving sex
ow ..... (colloq.) n.. de-up word III(:>nln&gecko HEATH, HAHrSTEAD HIATH big put in
idiot north London
.-srHORJ popular SQ.1popera set in London's Hlas, HII, HINt, ouas (colloq.) her place. his
F..1,. End place, DIy place. our place
FAGS (colloq.) cigareues HIGH IT,,'IT ?-.Uin SUett: the main road in a town
FANCYING(cotloq.) Iuving. crush Oil HOLIDAY, HOLIDATS \'<lallon
FIT (colloq.) good-looking uraeuve HOTTINO u, becomlng more intense
FIVER five-pound note JELLY ).110
FLASH (colloq.) flashy. glitzy JUMPtR s,Ye~ler
FLAT apanment KIT doth es andlor equlpmen! assembled for.
FROG WELLlfS rubber boots with frog f.tees specific purpose
011 rhcm KNICK I'" underpants
GAROENb~(kYilJd LOO (colloq.) loilet. lav.lory
GCSEs General Centric.itt ofsondAr)' EdU(';Utori Loor British magazines and web servtee ad\'C1tising
CX,UllS. usuaUy raken ,I "ge 16 used goods for sal.
GET OUT borrow or take our. as a IIbr.1ry LooonOAO (colloq.) rruckload: a large qu.nlity
book or video MARKS'" SrENCER Brhish department store:

GINOR"OUS (colloq.) made-up word: "f.mily" store, ,he kind of place your mum
;un.llg.lIllltion of gtganll( and mormou'; \'Cf)' big drags you '0 for "bock'IO-school" clothes
HAT" (colloq.) friends PUSHCHAIIitS strollers
M 15 the United Kingdonl's security intelligence QUEUE (verb) slmd In line
.gency QUID (colloq.) pound
HI NeE ground beef USH"S rhtn 'trips of meat, especially bacon
HIND babysi; (in this cu. soya)
HO (abbr.) mobile (cell) phone RIZlAS brand name for Cigarette papers
NAFF (colloq.) cheesy. I.c.ky ROUNDED ON (colloq.) turned on: sIMI.d .u.tkl.ng
NAPPIES diapers verbolJy
NEWS AGENT'S small shop selling newspapers, "ow. "OWING .argument. uguing
andy. CigMetles. and such SAATCHI GAlLI"Y contemporary an g.illuy in
NfWSNICHT current .rr~irsprogrlIn on British London
television SAINSIURY'S Ia_rgeU,K, supermarket chaln
NIC O (colloq.) stole SARKY(colloq.) ,.,casllc
NIPPED OUT stepped out SAS (abbr.) Special Air Service
OVERGROUNO above-ground trJins SE"VIETTI na.pkln
OXFAH charitable organtanlcn b...sed in the U.K.; SIXTH FO"" VIA'" lut 1''0'0years of school
funs shops .selling third ..world-produced and before uDivenlty. equlvalent 10 twelfth and
secondhand goods thirteenth grades
PE KIT clothes worn for Ph)'S. Ed. Dumpster
Sit I"

PHONE 80X phone booth SKIVVY (colloq.) servant

PISSING DOWN (colloq., ,\llga.r) relining hCJ,,"Uy SLAGGING OF' (colloq" vulgar) Insulting.

PLASTICINE J. 50(' modeling mnerlal deriding. criticltlng

!fOUND basic monetary unu of rhc United Klugdom SHOGGING (colloq.) kissing passionately

f'UOOIN<; dessert SNOOKER a "'"deIY of the ganlc of pool

 .-
SODS (colloq . ,,,,Ig.. ) p.ins in the bun; people who WILLI .. high. w.lerproof rubber boou; . 1so ailed
are bcing delibeutely .nnoying Wellinglon.
SOLICITOR lawyer WICKED (colloq.) cool
STONE: measuremen; of wetgfu. approximately WINO ur push one's buuons
14 pounds WO .. LY (colloq.) tantrum
SUSSlD (colloq.) knowledg ea ble Woou.', (colloq.) dTeaiolUl< term for
T...e-...W...V tUe-OUl Woolworth' ch>in of five-mddlme stores
TALKING CLOCK telephone service thol' gi\'C:s the that no longer operales in the U.S. bUI ls still in
lim. of d'l' business In the U.K.
TATE HOOERN gallery of modern art in London YO"KSHIA, PUDDING similar 10 J popo ..'cr. baked
TELLY (abbr.) relevlston either muffin Slyle or in > fbI pan: Indhlonilly
TENN (colloq.) len-pound note served with TOUI beef
TERH school semester
TINNED, TIH canned. can
TORY member of the Conservative PArlY
TRAINER$ sneakers
TRO'-LEY shopping CJrt

TUIE London sub\\'''Y

V \'cry
V &A (abbr.) Vlelori nd Alben Museum
VEGGIE \'cgct.\rlan
WARDROBE external closer
WASHING powoe" detergent
WATER 81SCUITS thin. plain crackers
WELL (colloq.) "cry
: ,

-,
"