C.J.

Mahaney
Sex,Romance,andthe
GloryofGod:WhatEvery
ChristianHusbandNeedstoKnow

Introduction
AlthoughtheredifferentviewsregardingtheSongsofSolomon,therearesomewhobelieveitis
simplyaboutsexualintimacy.InawayitreflectsGenesis2:25,Andthemanandhiswifewere
bothnakedandwerenotashamed.

Sowhatcanwelearnfromthisbookaboutintimacyinmarriage?

CommunicationandCreativity
Thefirstthingweneedtonoteis:

Inorderforromancetodeepen,youmusttouchtheheartandmindofyourwifebefore
youtouchherbody.

Toooftenwereversetheorder.Wetouchherbodyprematurelyandexpectthatshewillrespond
immediatelyandpassionately.Normallythatsnothowitworks.

BaseontheSongsofSolomonourcanwemodelourcommunicationforeffectiveintimacy:

1.Communication:TheLanguageofRomance
AclearlessonfromSolomonsSongisthatspeechandsexareintimatelyconnected.

DuaneGarrettwritesoftheloversintheSong:

Theyrelishtheirpleasureineachothernotonlywithphysicalaction,butwithcarefully
composedwords.Loveis,aboveall,amatterofthemindandheartandshouldbe
declared.

Weshouldspeakoftenandopenlyofourjoyinourspouse.

2.CarefullyComposedWords
SolomonsSongcontainsthefinestexamplesofcarefullycomposed,romanticwordsIknowof.
Forexample:

1:15-16Behold,youarebeautiful,mylove;behold,youarebeautiful;youreyesare
doves.Behold,youarebeautiful,mybeloved,trulydelightful.Ourcouchisgreen;

Thewordsweusneedtobehighlyintentional,creative,provocative,anderotic.Thepurposeof
thesewordsistoarouseromanticpassiontoinflame,slowlyandintentionally,allthewhile
honoringanddelightingonesspouse.

Thebestsexbeginswithromance,andthebestromancebeginswiththekindofspeechweread
intheSongofSolomon.Itbeginswithcarefullycomposedwords.

3.CreativeCompliments
Let'sreadfrom4:1-7

Theversesbeginwithadeclarationofthebeautyofhisbeloved.Butgeneralitiesarenotenough
forhim,norshouldtheybeforus.Inthispassagealonehepraisessevendifferentpartsofher
body,usingclearandcomplementaryanalogies.Thisissomeseriouscreativity!

Whiletryingtobecreativeweshouldnotethatthroughoutthepassagesinwhichonelover
describesthebodyoftheotherforthewomaninSolomonsSongalsocomplimentsherman
therearebothbeautyandbrilliance.Inthesephrases,themostprivateemotionsaboutthe
mostintimatepartsoftheloversbodyareexpressedappropriately,romantically,erotically,and
tastefully.Thereisnomedicallanguage,nocrudeness,andnoprofanityanywhereinthebook.
Everywordistenderandsensual,andcarefullycomposedtoproduceappropriateand
passionatearousal.

4.IntentionalExaggeration
Throughthebookwereadalotofexaggeration.Forexample:

4:7Youarealtogetherbeautiful,mylove;thereisnoflawinyou.

Now,ishelying?Isheflatteringher?Isheblind?Notatall.Heisnotdescribingsomuchwhat
shelookslike,buthowhefeelsabouther.Thereisahugedifference.

Thereis,andshouldbe,amarkeddifferencebetweenanemotionaldescriptionofonesbeloved
andanobjective,factualdescription.Amanmaysaytohiswife,Mydarling,youarefive-feet
seven-and-one-halfinchestall,ofmediumbuild,withabirthmarkonyourleftshoulderblade,and
youaremildlyallergictoshellfish.Inthis,hemaybeentirelyaccurate,buthewillnotbetelling
herhowmuchshemeanstohim.Andhecertainlywontbeaddinganyfueltothefiresof
romance.

Learning
Tolearnhowtotouchyourwifesheartandmind,youmuststudyher.Herearetwoliststhatmay
behelpful.Youcanprobablyaddtothem.

Doyouknowhowtosurpriseanddelightyourwifeinspecificwaysineachofthefollowing
areas?

Clothingsizes,styles,andstores
Jewelry
Health
Exercise
Booksandmagazines
Movies
Thearts
Sports
Food
Music
Entertainment
Placestovisit
Intellectualinterests
Hobbies
Vacations/Getaways
And,ofcourse,sex

Doyouknowhowyourwifeisfaringineachoftheseareas?

Theologicalknowledge
Practiceofthespiritualdisciplines
Growthingodliness
Spiritualgiftsthatcanbeusedtoserveothers

Localchurchinvolvement(OnthevitaltopicseeStopDatingtheChurch!)
Children
Parents
In-laws
Friends
Personalretreats
Fears
Hopes
Dreams
Disappointments
Temptations

Howmuchofthisinformationdoyouhavereadilyavailabletoyou,preferablyinwrittenform?
Howmuchdoyoureallyknowaboutyourwifeineachoftheseareas?

ProcessingandPlanning
Studyingourwivesandgatheringinformation,ofcourse,isonlystepone.Wemustnotconfuse
beinginformedwithbeingtransformed.Transformationdoesntjusthappenautomaticallyor
effortlessly.Itisthefruitofapplicationandaction.

Oneexampleofapplyingwhatyouhavelearntaboutyourspousetotopickaday,likeSunday,
andidentifynomorethanthreeimportantgoalsyoucanaccomplishthatweek,andplanthem
intoyourschedule.Thesemaybeadatenight,asurpriseyoucanbringher,ascheduledtimeto
discussanissueyouknowisimportanttoher,orsomethingelse.

MakingItAllHappen
Timeandenergy,lovinglyinvested,willincreaseromance,whichwillincreasemaritalintimacy.
Butwhat,exactly,shouldyouplanfor?

1. Datenight
2. Phonecalls
3. Notes,Cards,Letters,andEmail
4. Gifts
5. Music
6. Getaways
7. Surprises

TheGiftofMaritalIntimacy
Therecomesapointwhenwehavestudiedandplanned...whenwehavespokenourtender
andprovocativewordsoflove...whenwerereadytomovebeyondverbalforeplay.Letus
touchon3areas:

1. Kissing:Isuggestyoutakeinventory.Howoftendoyoukiss?Howlongdoyoukiss?How
passionateisyourkissing?Askyourwifewhatshethinksofyourkissing.Whatdoesshe
likeordislikeaboutit?Howdoesitcomparewithyourpastkissing?Howcanyou
improve?
2. TouchingandCaressing:IntheSongsofSolomonwewanttoencouragetofrequently,
imaginativetouchourwives(asappropriategivenyourlevelofprivacy).Touchingour
wifeinavarietyofcreativewaysisnotjustawarm-uptoournextsexualencounter.When
practicedregularlyasagenuineexpressionofaffection,love,andpassionitcontributes
toaclosenessandintimacythatcanhelpfuelyourromanceandsexlifewellintothe
future.
3. UltimateIntimacy:Finallyletchapters4and5oftheSongremindyouthat,whenyou
makelovetoyourwife,thetwoofyouarenotalone.Godispresent,andheispleased
whenyouandyourwifefinderoticsatisfactioninoneanother.Indeed,heencourages
youwiththesameunqualifiedapprovalwithwhichtheywereencouraged:Bedrunkwith
love.

MutualFulfillment
Areyouaskillfulandunselfishlover?Dontassumeyouknowwhatyourwifelikes,orwhat
arousesher.Sheisarouseddifferentlythanyouare.Youmustdiscoverwhatarousesherand
whatdoesnotbyengagingherinextendedconversation.

RealisticExpectations
Onthesubjectofsexualexpectations,someonenamedDouglasWilsonhaspointedoutthat
whilesomemealsaresteaks,andsomearemacaroniandcheese,bothareenjoyable.Thats
wisecounsel.Soletyourexpectationsberealistic,andenjoy.

TheLoveBehindtheSex
Inclosing,althoughsexualintercourseiscertainlyanultimateexpressionofamarriedcouples
eroticencounter,itisnottheoutstandingcentralfeatureoftheSong.Thebookisnotaboutthe
actofsexualintercourse.Rather,itisabouttheremarkablenatureofthecouplesoverall
relationshipinallitsromance,yearning,desire,sensuality,passion,anderoticism.

Thesetwodesperatelydesiretobetogether,butnotsimplysotheycanexperiencesexual
gratification.Theywanttobetogetherbecausetheyareinlove,andthesextheyenjoywithone
anotherisanexpressionofthatlove.Theirmutualattractionisnotprimarilyhormonal.Itis
primarilyrelational.

Discussion
HereswhatImean.Ifherbodyishisandhisbodyishersandeachhasauthorityovertheothers
body,thenhehastheauthoritytoaskhertodosomethinghewouldfindpleasurable,andshe
hastheauthorityoverhisbodytoaskthatheincreaseherpleasurebynotaskingthatshedo
that.

Howdoweresolvethestalemate?