TALKING TO THEM UPSTAIRS

By E. J. Ward

This is your last trip they said

And we strongly advise against it
It is too soon
You are still depleted from the last time round
And have not got the strength

It cant be helped I said

This soul that was my child has married foolishly
And is at risk
I have to go to her and be her baby

You cannot help they said

She has chosen a path of suffering
And is deluded
She will sacrifice herself in vain

Nevertheless I will do what I can I said

I will have a go
Make the best of it you know
Put on a brave face and cheer her up a bit

You are a fool they said weak and rebellious

You always have been volatile and reckless
You have made enemies who will target you
And now you are in danger

Nothing new there then I said

Cant sit around all day you know
Have to get moving
Show him I know who he is

Then this is your last chance they said

To try to get it right
Well display the available options
And you must choose blindfold

Carry on Old Sport I said

Display away
Ill probably make a hash of it
I usually do

Then over here is Worldliness they said

It will make you Successful Rich and Famous
Keep you in the public eye
And always on the tele

OK I said that looks a lot of fun

Bit of a strain too though I should imagine
Always on show rather an effort that
High maintenance you know what I mean
This is more in keeping with your temperament they said
It is Exploration Adventure Soldiering the Outdoor Life
But youre so depleted after the last time round
You havent got the strength and are rather ill

Thats a shame I said

I should have enjoyed that
But maybe I can have adventures in a wheel-chair
Whizzing about a bit you know

You ought to stop larking about they said

For you will be consistently at risk
Targeted and assailed by unseen forces
Wounded by those you trust implicitly
And powerless to resist because you love them

Youll attract weak and helpless men they said

Because you need the injured to ease your suffering
You will know more than can be of use to you
And not enough of what serves your interests best
For you look into the eyes of others and see their pain

You will try several times to come back they said

But will not succeed
For you will live much longer than you planned for
In hopes of achieving the unachievable

Though this is unlikely they said

For in our view you have not the qualities to survive
Let alone achieve
And we repeat we advise against this journey

Blindfold you chose your gifts they said

The bare necessities needed to survive
And these are the options you have selected
TENACITY FORTITUDE HONESTY and COMMON SENSE

We are happy with these options they said

And believe you have chosen wisely
For in spite of all we have said we love you dearly
And wish you Bon Voyage

As this is your final trip they said

You are offered a BONUS gift
Which is not chosen and cannot be exchanged
You may open this gift at the moment of departure

Thats great I said Im very grateful

Im sure it will prove most useful
And as the voyage was under-way
I opened up the bonus to look inside

The gift was RAPTURE

xxxxxxx
But I am in pain I cried
Is there no remedy
And they said
Stillness is the remedy

Morning and evening

Seated with the back straight
Allowing the mind to encounter itself
Going and coming back
Stillness will overcome pain
This is the road to Enlightenment

But how will I know I am Enlightened I cried

And they said
There will be a sign

And for ten years I did this

But I am so sad I cried

Is there no remedy
And they said
Stillness is the remedy

Morning and evening

Sitting with a straight back
Allowing the mind to encounter itself
Going and coming back
Stillness will overcome grief
This is the road to Enlightenment

But how will I know I cried

And they said
There will be a sign

And for ten years more I did this

But I am exhausted I cried

Overworked and assailed on all sides
Is there no remedy
And they said Stillness is the remedy

Morning and evening

Seated with a straight back
Allowing the mind to encounter itself
Going and coming back
Stillness will overcome weariness
This is the road to Enlightenment

And they said

There will be a sign
So for ten years more I did this

But I am so ill I cried

My body is broken and my legs are weak
Is there no remedy
And they said Stillness is the remedy

Morning and evening

Sitting with the back straight
Allowing the mind to encounter itself
Going and coming back
Stillness will overcome ill health
This is the road to Enlightenment
You will know by the sign

So for ten years more I did this

But I am in pain I cried

Forty years of sitting still with a straight back
Have given me haemorrhoids and I am done for

And they said

This is the sign
xxxxxx

(from SHIVAS DANCE)

I heard the crying in the night again My Lord. It woke me up.
Someone weeping you mean?
More of a keening sound Lord, like small animals mourning a loss.
Not your dog was it?
Thats what I thought at first, but he was fast asleep.
Ah.
It seemed to come from the place itself Lord. A grieving for what was gone.
Yes. Youre um sailing close to the wind Old Lady.
You think I imagined it Lord? Im having a nervous breakdown perhaps . . . ?
No, no, no, weve been into that . . . you know you cant have a breakdown . . .
Why not Lord? Other people do.
Youre too stable Old Lady. You know that.
Well how about a collapse of some sort? People do fall apart in a crisis . . .
Youre too strong.
You mean I simply have to keep going? Just as I am?
Thats it.
But Im all alone.
Are you sure about that?
Im sorry My Lord. That was foolish of me . . . and rude . . .

Theyre alright you know, the swallows. Theyre not dead or anything. They are
just living somewhere else.
Will they ever come back?
I dont know.
YOU dont know My Lord?
They are birds arent they? They have their own agenda. Do you expect me to
interfere?
I suppose not.
Why does it matter so much Old Lady?
They are my children Lord. I felt their excitement when they lined up on the wires to
train for the journey each autumn. To fly thousands of miles Lord, through ocean
storms and burning deserts to visit my sister in South Africa . . . . knowing they would
come back . . .
Dont cry Old Lady.
I heard their voices first the twittering of relief at their homecoming. They would
greet me from the telephone wires. I knew them! I used to write in my diary The
swallows are back! Because it was always an act of faith always a miracle. And I
always feared deep down that one day they would not return . . .
Dont cry.
But it has changed everything. The Great Tree was a landmark for migrating birds,
and when it came down it was not an accident My Lord. They waited eighteen months.
It was a premeditated act calculated to destroy the beating heart of this place, the
centre of its power. He said: If you meddle with my affairs I will ruin your life. And it
wasnt even their tree!
So what do you do now?
I dont know.
Do you ever ask why this is happening to you?
I cannot imagine asking any question whose answer would interest me less.
Maybe you should have some lunch.

Im afraid I have been rather rude My Lord, and I feel I should apologise.
I am so unused to conversing with elements at your molecular level that I have no
idea if you have been rude or not. The concept is alien to me. Perhaps it is for me to
apologise?
Certainly not My Lord; that would just confuse us further. I can only plead my anguish
and despair at what seems to me to have been a wanton act of destruction.
I suppose my Dance of Destruction is hard to understand. Does Creation also seem to
you a wanton act?
Good Heavens. It is true that the world is dreadfully overpopulated. But it would
depend on the context I suppose.
Would it?
I mean, on whether the outcome is generally beneficial or not.
And who is to judge that?
I suppose the outcome itself will justify the process. As being beneficial or not.
And what is beneficial? In your opinion?
What produces the greatest happiness for mankind I imagine.
But we have been discussing small migrating birds and very large fir-trees. As
opposed to an apparently effective method of producing greater happiness for
mankind.
Yes.
And you seem to care more about the lives of small birds and a giant pine tree than
the people next door.
Oh yes. I do. They are my family you see. Were my family.
So what happened to love thy neighbour?
Moral entropy Lord, and a credibility gap. They are too close for comfort Im afraid.
Fitjof Capra understood the process very well, as he is a particle physicist. He saw
that my Dance of Creation and Destruction manifest at a subatomic level. And its
difficult to ascribe moral values to particle physics. But you saw it too didnt you?
I did My Lord. I will never forget it.
And what did you make of it?
It was overwhelming a revelation of the system and how it works.
And did it seem to you to be beneficial? Or not?
These words have no meaning Lord. It could not be evaluated in that way.
So how do you suppose you were able to see it?
I dont know. Do you think, as a small cog, I may be part of the process in some way
Lord?
I do not think. I dance.

xxxxxx

(from PARADIGM SHIFT)

And they said
If you wish to survive
You must go out
And come in again by a different door
Leaving your rubbish behind

Oh but my rubbish is so interesting

So vibrant and remarkable
Especially that pile there I call my suffering
I cant survive without that

And I cannot be asked to throw away my crutches

My worries and alarms
The daily struggles to remain intact
That give me my identity

And what is it like out there

Will I need extra blankets
A warm pullover
Shall I get enough to eat

And anyway whos going to feed the cat

Mow the lawn
Water the plants

You see it cant be done

Its a nice idea this survival of yours
But Im better off as I am
I know the ropes you see
I know how to stay alive

And they said

Ah but the rubbish smells awful
The wrongs you carry are heavy and hard to bear
Diminishing you and making you ineffective
Are you redeemed by this back-breaking labour
Or by giving it up to come in through a different door

And I said Is this dying

And they said No
It is the Unmaking of the Soul

An unmaking through Grief

Through Sorrow
And through Loss
Through Loss of Sound
Loss of Self
And Loss of Meaning

An Unmaking through Silence

Through Space
And through Nothingness

It is Unmaking and Remaking

A Remaking through Music
Silence Remade
A Remaking through Stillness
Sound Remade
A Remaking through Being
Nothingness Remade
It is not Death
It is a Remaking of the Soul

They said You may enter now

You are Remade
And I entered

So this is who I am
An Old Reborn
Already wise
With things forgotten

Did I believe things then

Had I the nerve
The energy
The effrontery to do that

The Past recedes to vanishing point

I do not wave
For it is already out of sight
And I remember nothing

I have no Agenda now

No to-do-list
Nothing in my diary
(What is a Diary)

Have I brought nothing then

No Lifestyle
No Habits
No Routines
To prove that I have lived

Have I done nothing then

Fought no battles
Engaged in no disputes
Achieved no resonance
No echo to my name
(What is my name)

I know one thing only

This Me Here Now
Is a place I have always wished to live
And now I live here

And they said

Now you are Remade
Perhaps you will become a better person

And I said
I am more likely to become the person I am
Only more so

And they said

You are drunk

And I said
I am not drunk
But the person I am reserves the right to be drunk
If she wishes

And they said

You ARE drunk
And you are a bad person

And I said
I may be a bad person
But it has taken me a Lifetime to get here
And a little drink from time to time
Helps me survive the Apocalypse that surrounds me

And they said This is Hyperbole

And I said It is better than Preaching
And they said You are so RUDE
And I said RUDE YOURSELF
And they said Clearly you need Remaking again

And I said
Before you start knocking the shit out of me once more
Perhaps you could remind me of the purpose of this exercise

And they said

We would have thought that was obvious
It is to make you into a better person

And I said
But it doesnt seem to be working does it
Why dont you try being nice for a change

And they said

Oh we will be nice to you
Once you have earned it
Once you have shown you are a better person

And I said
Suppose I dont want to be a better person
And they said
Then we will keep knocking the shit out of you until you do

So I said I admit I am an unruly woman

Given to tantrums and hyperbole
Leading a Life of Noisy Desperation
Violent and foul-mouthed

I said I admit I am embarrassing

Over-emphatic and delusional
Falling in love with dead Italian poets
Demanding they love me back
I said I admit I am ebullient
Unseemly in a person of my years
And should for Gods Sake quieten down a bit
And take it easy

But Life has me by the throat I said

And wakes me up in the night to hug the Moon
And shows me the Underside of things forbidden
That make my blood sing

And they said Thats all very well

But when are you going to do something
When are you going to stop boring us all to death
With your indefatigable charisma
And grow up

And I said
This Remaking of the Soul is Dying Remade
It is the Underside of Things
The Soul cannot Unmake
It IS Death
It really IS

xxxxxx

(from SHIVAS DANCE)

CULTIVATE YOUR GARDEN they said. Well show you how to do it. How to create a
secret Paradise, hidden away where no-one can see you Dont design it, dont get in
its way, gardens design themselves, theres nothing to it, a bit at a time a day at a
time, meticulous labour, an infinite capacity for aching pains, dont mess with the
plants - they know what to do, they will grow into hedges, eleven hedges, with
trellises, ten trellises and pergolas, seven pergolas, and lots of gates, nine gates, with
seven terraces for tables and chairs and sun umbrellas: a concrete breakfast terrace
under the awning outside your front door, two others under the apple-trees, one
stone-paved, one wooden, the others grass; with four barbecues, (real ones, built out
of stones surrounding holes in the ground so you can get a good blaze going to cook
on half-an-hour later) and a large pond with gold-fish and Water-lilies and Irises and
a little sandy beach with two chairs and a caf table to talk to the fish and dragonflies,
and lots of little stone paths, crazy-paving and slabs, leading you up hill and down
dale and round corners to the next garden seat or shower-bower or tree-seat, and a
huge cliff-face with a Lovers Leap over-looking the pond to create a Fish-watch station
with a panoramic view of the garden below, and a summer work-station by the water
with a writing table under a sun-umbrella and a sun-lounger under a little stripy
parasol, and lots of stone steps with hand-rails leading you up and down the steep
banks, and four water-taps, and an amazing tiled shed created by a little man who
grew up in your house, (who is probably an angel), and a conservatory overlooking a
water-garden to catch the outflow from the guttering which will lead underground
through pipes to a soak-away, and four compost heaps strategically placed, and a
huge wood-pile for fire-wood from the forest. And you will have to bring in all the top-
soil from the woods in barrow-loads because nothing grows here - it is rocky yellow
clay. So that means chopping down saplings and opening up the ancient lane through
the forest with a hand-saw, for your electric chain-saw wont reach that far. And you
will learn never to buy plants, just jam in your own clippings and cuttings and water
them for three years - after that its up to them - and you will have a forest of hardy
perennials: Fuchsias and Wild Roses, Honeysuckle and St-Johns-wort, Bushy-ragwort,
Pyrethrum and Laurel, sweet-scented Elaeagnus hedges, Climbing Hortensias, Jasmine
and Virginia-creeper, Grapevines, Wisteria, Rhododendrons and Azaleas, Roses and
huge Hydrangea bushes, Camellia trees, and a ground-cover of pink-flowering
Bergenias, with wild Euphorbia, Solomons Seal and Love-in-a-mist, Montbretia and
luxuriant ferns. In the spring Daffodils and Narcissus everywhere, and a Buttercup
meadow left uncut to bring back the bees, with Clover lawns, and Primroses and
woodland Violets, Daisies and Forget-me-nots on the banks, and fragile Aconites and
Bluebells, and ten huge Yucca plants flying upwards to flower in an embarrassing way
flaunting shameless white ice-cream phalluses. And little dry-stone walls containing
the borders, and little wooden palisades to protect the paths, and Ox-tongue ferns in
pots with occasional Geraniums left over from the good old bad old days when it was
all tidy and under control. And everything designed to cut down on the mowing and
make things easier for an old lady who knows nothing about gardening and has not
got green fingers
And I was so overwhelmed, intoxicated and transported by the beauty of my garden
and the hedges were so high that I could no longer see the neighbours

xxxxxx

(from THE NEW ORDER)

But I am in pain I cried
Is there no comfort
And they said
Seek Comfort and you attract Pain
It is the Law
You must go beyond Comfort
To the Source of Comfort
Where All is One
Be Still

But here there is Hatred I cried

I need Love
And they said
You must go beyond Love
To the source of Love
For if you seek Love youll attract Hatred
It is the Law
Be Still

But I am weak I cried and know nothing

And they said
In your Weakness is Strength
In your Ignorance is Understanding
It is the Law
Go beyond these things to their source
Be Still

But it is so Dark I cried

Bring me some Light
And they said
Where there is Light there is also Darkness
For the greatest Light casts the greatest Shadow
You must go to the source where the Dark and the Light are One
And Be Still
Be still and know that I am what is lost and not recovered
That I am where you never expect to find Me
That I am what you did not know was lost but have discovered
And unbind Me.

Be still and know that I am always dancing

Over the void you fear but cannot resist
And that when I seem most to retreat I am most advancing
Let Me exist.

Be still and know Ill arrive when you least expect Me

That I will always come to you unbidden
That you most invite Me when you most reject Me
That I am hidden.

Be still and know that I am the rising waters

That I am the ghastly vision that makes you ill
That I am the fearful dreams of your sons and daughters
And in the name of God BE STILL

xxxxxx

(from LITTLE AUDREYS STORY)

And it is a man I am holding.
A real living breathing man.
And he is smiling.
And I know him.
And I say It is you.
And he says Yes.
And I say You have waited for me?
And he says Yes.
And I say But who are you?
And he says
I am The One
The One the One Thou Seekest
I am Thy Self.

And then he says

Close your eyes and Ill tell you a mystery

A mystery breathing gently close your eyes
In the kingdom inside the inner kingdom lives
A shining egg on a throne of gold
He is not lonely so there is no worry
He is not waiting so there is no hurry
He lives there only and he is very very old.

With eyes closed breathing gently oh so gently

Let us go into the silence deep inside
Let us go gently together gently
And I shall be your guide
Listening to the shining of the silence
Watching the breathing of the silence shining
In the kingdom inside the inner kingdom we will bide.

(from MESSAGES FROM THE EDGE)

You are nearing the end of your journey they said
And are taking the time to reflect
What are the things you have learnt
That have proved most useful?

I have learnt I must be alone I said

To encounter the moment fully
And understand the nature of the pain
I have been gifted with

I have learnt the value of small things I said

And that the struggle to achieve these things
Is their own reward
For I was given the prize before I started

I have learnt to learn nothing I said

For the state of unknowing
Is a space fulfilled already

I have learnt a bit about money I said

That it is a tool to be used
Not a commodity to be owned
So not to be feared but used strategically

All that I cherished has been taken from me I said

My jewellery has been stolen
My favourite clothes devoured by moths
And my new bed linen eaten by mice

For you cannot own things I said

But you can certainly enjoy them
For the pleasure they give
And watch a kitten play

I have learnt about physical pain I said

For it has been with me all my life
And it does not own us
But knows us intimately and is faithful unto death

I was given a bonus gift before I started I said

So Rapture has been the colour of my days
It has saturated me with the Natural World about me
And filled my life with praise.

(copyright E.J. Ward 2017)