Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also
embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing
Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Eric! My name is Angela B. I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center Review to
improve your writing today. Let's get started!

*Writing Strength:
Your essay contains good transitional words that denote order, Eric. This is a good way to create essay
coherence. This also clarifies which drone predecessor came before the other and this ensures a
smooth reading experience for them. Here are some commendable excerpts from your draft:

The first predecessor that I would like to discuss are the drones of the 1800s, in that era
the drones didnt look like what we see today.

The second processors are the unmanned aerial vehicle (UAV), in the 1900s after Nikola
tesla created the remote control.

Main Idea/Thesis
Your thesis statement does not precisely preview your paper about the predecessors of drones:
So, during this section I will be assessing these predecessors and discuss how they
influenced the current drone that are available today.
In your paper, you talk about specific pieces of technology that precedes the modern day drone.
However, you do not mention these specific topics in your thesis statement. This might leave your
readers unprepared for the rest of your paper; they might not know what to expect from it.
Consider being more specific in your thesis statement. In it, you might want to identify the specific
topics that you cover in your paper. It might help to go over your paper again to take note of
those topics. Afterwards, you might want to integrate these into your thesis statement. Take a
look at this sample thesis statement for a similar paper:

The Roaring Twenties played a large role in modernizing the United States due to economic
prosperity, technological advancements, and artistic achievements.

This sample thesis statement identifies three specific characteristics of The Roaring Twenties. Consider
using it as a model for when you revise your own. If you need more help, you might also want to read
the chapter on Developing a Thesis from the Smarthinking Writer's Handbook.

Content Development
I am concerned about some of your points that are underdeveloped, Eric. This issue may leave
unanswered questions in your readers heads regarding the first predecessor of the drone.

A well-developed idea leaves the reader feeling that the information given is thorough and complete.
One good way to develop ideas is through making a point, providing an example, and explaining how
that point relates to your thesis. Consider following this framework whenever you develop your ideas:

P: Make a point: the way that he was able to release it was by a timed fuse.

I: Illustrate the point: What exactly is a timed fuse? How does this enable delivery?
 E: Explain how this point relates to the thesis.

*Eric 9776017 has requested that you respond to the Grammar & Mechanics:
Some of your proper nouns are not capitalized properly. This is a problem because your readers will
be confused, and they are not sure whether or not youre pertaining to a specific thing. Ill be quoting
a sentence from your draft:

From the kites and balloons of the 1800s to the delivery service drones that amazon is try to
get clearance to fly.

Proper nouns refer to specific persons, places, or things. Names are considered proper nouns;
therefore, the first letters of every word in the name must be capitalized. For example:

CORRECT: John went to the nearest Walmart to get groceries.

INCORRECT: John went to the nearest walmart to get groceries.

As you can see, company names are considered as proper nouns; therefore, the first letters of these
names must be capitalized. You may use the example above to aid you in the revision process. Also,
you can read more about Nouns in your Writers Handbook.

*Eric 9776017 has requested that you respond to the Sentence Structure:
Since content development is more urgent, I have focused on this area instead of sentence structure.
In the meantime, take a look at Sentence Unity and Clarity to learn more about it.

Summary of Next Steps:

Create a concise thesis statement.

Develop your ideas well.

Capitalize proper nouns.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision
process. Have a good day, Eric! Angela B.

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer's
Handbook.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.
Historic Timeline and Predecessor Assessment
Eric McPherson
DeVry University
 Drone technology is not a new concept they have been part of our live for the over 200

year, and in those years, we have seen many forms. From the kites and balloons of the 1800s to

the delivery service drones that amazon is try to get clearance to fly. So, during this section I will

be assessing these predecessors and discuss how they influenced the current drone that are

available today. [What are the specific drone predecessors that will be discussed in the

paper? Remember to outline the specific topics of the paper to complete your thesis and

better guide your readers!]

 The first predecessor that I would like to discuss are the drones of the 1800s, in that era

the drones didnt look like what we see today. They were not made of metal and plastic, but of

fabric and wood. In 1806, Lord Thomas Cochrane of the British Royal Navy flies a kite based

drone from the HMS Pallas so that he could distributed propaganda on the French coast. the way

that he was able to release it was by a timed fuse. Another type of drone was the balloon drones,

in 1849 the Austrian army used a balloon based drone to drop bombs on the city of Venice. Most

of the drone in this history have been used in war times, but because of those wars we have what

we have today. All it took was person that wanted to make a difference, and the kite and balloon

drones were born. And the need to control the drones better inspired Nikola tesla to create the

first remote control to revolutionize the way we interact with the drone.

The second processors are the unmanned aerial vehicle (UAV), in the 1900s after Nikola

tesla created the remote control. Branches in the military started using the UAV to do the dirty

work, they flew over enemy lines and did the following: carried bombs, and go on

reconnaissance missions. By the 1900s there was a change in style of the drones, the military

were using least and least of the balloons and kites and converting their planes to be UAVs. One

of the first drones on the scene was a biplane by the name of kettering bug, it was a small UAV

and it was used to carry a bomb of equal weight as itself. The remote control that Nickola create

was a pivotal and influential point in drone history. Because it gave people a change to control

the drones ropes an timed fuses.

The final predecessor is the recreational drones, not all drones need to be use for military

purposes. These types have been around sense in the late 2000s, and have thrill hobbyist for

years. One of these drones that people have enjoy is the Parrot AR Drone, this radio-controlled

quadcopter drone and has sold more than half a million. [What about it was a hit with
consumers? Why did this particular model sell more than half a million? Let your readers

know more about why the Parrot AR Drone was successful.] These have been influential

more in the realm of law making aspect of the technology. Because the ideas of current

companies like amazon need to be governed so people dont get hurt.

So all of these predecessor have help to change the way we uses drones today, and I cant

wait to see what is next for this unmanned aerial vehicle (UAV). Because this technology is not

slowing down anytime soon. [Where is the rest of your conclusion, Eric? This conclusion

needs more information in order to give proper closure to your ideas. Make sure you write

a conclusion that reiterates the thesis, sums up the major points of your essay, and ends on

a strong note.]