Contents

Foreign Policy ............................................................................................................................................................2

Sleepless vs. Syphilis ................................................................................................................................................3
Neighbor ....................................................................................................................................................................3
Mother in Law ............................................................................................................................................................3
Drunkard ....................................................................................................................................................................4
Jumbo Patel Writes to MIT ........................................................................................................................................4
Friendship ..................................................................................................................................................................5
Fat Man with a Sense of Humor ................................................................................................................................5
Fairy Tale ...................................................................................................................................................................6
I am Balding ...............................................................................................................................................................6
Occurring World .........................................................................................................................................................7
I am Santa Claus .......................................................................................................................................................7
God as a Manager! ....................................................................................................................................................8
Pablo the Salesman...................................................................................................................................................9
Foreign Policy

Euro and China

In the frying pan

South Asia, Korea and Japan

Is the Trash Can

Blow the Arabs up

And England will always suck up

South America will take it laying down

And Canada will think it wears the crown

Iraq for oil

In Central Asia for bases we toil

Russia be tumbled
Iran will be humbled

Africa is always in my hand

And is as docile as Australia and New Zealand

Our policy is always right

If you oppose we fight

If we are good
You look good
And we make you invest in Coke, Weapons
and Hollywood
Sleepless vs. Syphilis

The difference between SYPHILIS and SLEEPLESS is quite obvious in the way they are spelled and pronounced by
a non stutterer. Besides the way they are used in the first person narrative mode illustrates the difference further like
"I AM sleepless" vs. "I HAVE syphilis". One is the state of being something and the other is having something.
However the vital difference between them is that if you make someone sleepless then you can be happy about it and
sleep well but if you give someone syphilis then you might become sleepless.

Neighbor

I wish I was in hell because that would mean you as my neighbor would be there too. I hate you! I hate you not only
because of what you have done but also because what you have not done. Like you don't chain your dog and he
keeps jumping on me like I am his bitch. He tried to hump me that day, when I was sunbathing! I would have forgiven
you for that but the fact that you have not yet got rid of your wife is unforgivable. She keeps on telling on me to my
already suspicious wife and my wife has kept me under surveillance. My wife thinks that I have affair with another
MAN because she is fat. Yes my wife has gained a few pounds but I told her it's just that some mass has shifted from
her brain to her belly. Happens all the time!! I am sure you are familiar about that, it seems this is quite common in
your family. Your son keeps the volume of the music high and that too at night. He said that he is trying to send signal
to aliens. Though I believe that it is true because he looks a lost member of some alien tribe from some remote
galaxy where 'UGLY' is 'BEAUTIFUL'. Your daughter keeps on competing with my daughter on everything from
grades to size of dress and everything else. She keeps on teasing my daughter about the fact that my daughter has
no boyfriend. The fact that your daughter is 25 years elder than mine doesn't matter to her. My daughter is just 3.
Leave her alone!! Your father has to be institutionalized. I swear I saw him eating grass. When I asked him about
that, he said its good for health. That is perfectly normal considering its your family but what makes me say so is that
he was eating grass at 3 am and that too the grass below my bedroom window. Everyone is scared of him! Why
don't you rent him as an extra to any horror film crew? He would be the perfect cast for castrated zombies. You can
try there as well. Your mom tries to hit on me. She tries to call me home to fix one thing or other. She told me that her
husband is not interested in doing anything but would like to WATCH anything, absolutely anything. She is 88 years
old and says she is only 69 because she likes 69. She keeps on humming 'Summer of 69 when I am around. And
you, you steal my mail, why would you do that? The ones hanging around my house are not cylindrical bulbs but are
cameras. We have a slideshow of you alone stealing our mails. Now you have trained your dog also to do so!! The
only member of your family who doesn't disturb us is your aunt who is buried in your front yard. I am sure
she committed suicide. But dude she stinks and do you even know why your dog has a new bone to chew every day.
I hate you all!!

Mother in Law

You can choose your husband but not your mother in law and that is one thing common between all types of
marriages . Some women are fortunate if the mother in law is dead before she is married and if you are one of them,
then the rest of the monologue is not meant for you. Probably you wouldn't be even present in this crowd. You would
be living a life of your dreams. If there is anything where destiny or karma does a play a role and mostly a negative
one then that is when you have a mother in law. Imagine a girl is playing with her favorite doll and you snatch it away
and start playing with it. Will that girl be ever ok with that? Probably never! That is what you did to your mother in law
by marrying her son. So by default a mother in law has to hate you and it is but natural for you return the hatred. Now
returning hatred by hatred is fun and that is why human beings have been indulging in it for centuries. In an ideal
world a man should have had to stop talking his mother from the day he got married but this world is less than ideal.
Even killing your mother in law is not considered as a legit act of self defense and you are charged with man
slaughter. Now you have this person who is going to criticize you in everything that you do. This is that person who
would constantly compare you with her herself before your husband. Even after being someones wife she doesnt
understand that heart is not exactly a mans weakest part. Good food is not what a man always wants. She doesnt
get it that a man can do without his mother but not his wife. Mom is the past and wife is the future. So on many things
that Mom In LAW doesnt want to understand. If you trouble her she will fall sick and extend her stay in your house or
worst consider your house as hers. If you listen to her she will bore you to death. A Mother in law is like a tail bone in
human body, it is just there , once may be it served some purpose but not today. I can't find provide a solution , the
only thing I say is that one day you would be a mother in law too and harass your son's wife and get even. May be
that is what is going on ...

Drunkard

I don't have a name. In any case even if I had one I am sure I wouldn't remember it. So if you would have called my
name then someone else would have responded to it and that would have resulted in to an identity fraud. In today's
world personal identity is only useful for storing shopping preferences or maintaining credit scored and I am not
interested in it. So it is good that I don't have a name! I believe that we are all one and that naming a person takes us
away from each other because then you feel special. You can drink to feel special! Everyone should be assigned a
number and that would be good for keeping records too. I drink so much not because I have any sorrow lingering in
my heart but I drink because I like it. I like that because I am able to express my opinions and the world allows me to
express them only because they think it is some drunkard speaking. I also have a family like most of you
unfortunately have but I am lucky that I can't remember their faces. And I don't want to see their faces because all I
see in them is disappointment. I asked them to join me for a drink so that they can share my joy instead they chose to
stay sober and pity me. Yes, I am drunk, but it is only my body which is drunk and my mind which is unstable but I am
wide awake. For when the mind is confused can my soul rise and speak.

Jumbo Patel Writes to MIT

Please take me in the college as I want to fly high in life. I can only fly high in life by admonition of your college. My
marks are super good and my behavior is jolly good. My father is a man of great repetition and all people say hi,hello
and namaste (indian hi hello) to him. He is of the position in the income tax commissioners for the cities of Mumbai
(earlier Bombay). I roamed on your website and found that you are wanting to outsource your college to Mumbai and
so mine father can be your beast friend. I got a little less marks than passing in the exams but can you judge anything
by examination? Tell me how many medical examinations revels the truth. Yet I send you my marks attacked to this
letters and hope you would turn a blind eyes to them and see my spirit in this letter. Anyways, i want to be a computer
graduate in ur school. I love computer from day my teacher said "a typewriters typing power and a calculator's
calculating power when comes together it makes the superpower called computer". I thought wow, i love power and if
i master this superpower than i become all power. so I took interest in computer. now i had twice choices either to be
going in to hardwear or softwear. I thought hardwear is not much changing , I mean fatter the computer it is desktop
and thinner the computer it is laptop. that seemed to be goring to me. so i chose softwear and i choose the topic of
artifecal intellingence. i thought what iff computers wud think? he wud do all work by himself and us humans do
anything not at all. imagine computer telling homeworks , helping love matters, listening to a wifes nagging and
comforting her. the applications of the artifecalness is too much to wonder for all us by now. I started learning
languages that computer understands and got better at it day by day, soon I was able to add, multiply and write big
essays using Microsoft languages like MS Word and MS Excel. Then I learned Powerpointing language ohh boy so
much colorful way of learning. My teacher said that now I am the bruce Lee and jackie Chan of soft wear. That made
me gayful and gladdening in exasparance. So I thought why dont I not to apply to MIT ? MIT is the bestest school on
earth and people say that they only take aliens. I said now they will take an earth man. MIT should be watching out
for people like me and I am the person looking to be in admission of MIT. I have said enough and if u dont take me
and then your president complains about the reclining education standards of USA then dont complain. Take me and
see the difference I bake.

Yours Positively
Jumbo Patel
(Everything is so Jumbo about me)
Mumbai, India

Friendship

Our friendship was always like the friendship that is seen between a crow and a buffalo. Biologists would call it a
symbiotic relationship but I prefer calling it friendship. I due to my size,obstinance and lethargic nature would
obviously be the buffalo and your weak constitution and cleverness would suite you to be the crow. People saw me
carrying you on my back and that was not a good sight but it prevented from me being served as dinner. I thank you
for that. You used to eat the insects of my back and I used to give you a free ride. Ohh! what a friendship we had.
They say, a crow on your back is worth two in the sky, but you are worth a thousand ravens my friend. Be my friend
forever. Whenever I used to enter the river to cross over to the other side you used to fly and reach there before I did
to sit on my back again. You used to sit on my back only when I am grazing on land. I understood that your instinct
for survival is much stronger than our bond of friendship. I craved for your company and you craved for your status.
At least the craving part was common between us. Be my friend forever! You didn't tell me about it, ehh, I thought I
was becoming fair. The white spots on my body, YOUR SHIT, soon they became stripes. People soon started calling
me a fat zebra. A few female and even male zebras wanted to mate with me. Of course I refused! But you did
increase my chance of getting laid. Now that's what I call a friend. You never warned me about the leopard. I guess
you wanted me to run for my life and slim down. For you knew about the danger, as you used find any excuse that
you could think of to leave my back. Sometimes that used to be cue for me to be alert of something lurking in the
bush. I do miss you, but I am sure wherever you are, you would have found another buffalo to befriend. If there are
no buffaloes left other than me then I know what happened to the dinosaurs. You and your species used to sit on
their back. Any way you would find another buffalo the world is full of us!!

Fat Man with a Sense of Humor

Yes, I am a fat man with a good sense of humor. You would have seen me being extra helpful and cracking jokes in
the gym and doing nothing else there. You would see me allowing other people to get in to the line at checkout
counters so that they listen to my jokes. You would have seen me near the extra large size section of clothes in the
mall. Yes I know you would deny this saying that you have never gone to that section. But you would have definitely
seen me trying to entertain kids of single mothers. Now I don't love kids but the single mothers dote on their kids and
don't mind sharing a little of their love with the person whom their kid likes. I wish all women were born as single
mothers!! I am never found in clubs and always in Food Marts as the chance of finding a single mother with kids am
more in a mart than a club. Though I am fat by today's standard but do you know that just till 20th century being
overweight was the most happening thing. Look at the black and white photos and you will see all are well fed and
healthy. You would have heard comments from your grandmother like Poor Timmy Uncle was so thin, we were
afraid he would not live long". The same Timmy would have a hot granddaughter today with the right size who would
be acting in some commercials promoting some healthy product which would prolong your life. Now if you don't find
me funny then please understand that I am not funny by birth but I became funny. I distinctly remember that I was
about 8 years old and was eating a huge or rather gigantic banana split and cracked some cream-over-banana kind
of joke and a girl burst out laughing. Looking back I think she laughed at sight of me eating the sundae rather than the
joke. Most people are more in to slapstick comedy anyway; because that is the only thing they can understand. From
that incident I understood that if I am funny I can have both the gigantic sundae and the girl. So from that time I just
started watching comedies and funny sitcoms and I think about 5000 hours of these can make even a paraplegic
funny. While watching TV I happened to dunk in to oceans of sodas, mountains of chips and god knows how much
other junk food. Before I could realize anything I could only see my feet in the mirror. Looking down from my neck all I
see is some undiscovered planet of the solar system. I began to lose my remote if I sat on the sofa and the remote
would smell stinky later. I was a little sad about the condition in which I was but one day an opportunity came my way
and I made the most of it. A company trying to produce energy from renewable resources got inspired by a Sci-Fi film
and decided to use humans as a source of energy. Instead of connecting the pods to the brain they found that
inserting it in some other place gives a better shot at what they are trying to achieve. They approached me to produce
electricity from my farts; I was their first human subject it seems. Of Course! I said yes!! When the tests were
successful one me I told them I know a lot of people who are like me and I can get them to you and all I want to be is
a business partner. And Ladies now I am a millionaire too and I work from home. If you want to stay with me please
just for your own sake leave me alone while I am working and we will have a great life!

Fairy Tale

Jack and Jill went up the hill and then Jill's lover Humpty pushed Jack down the hill and then Jill came tumbling down
so that nobody could suspect her. But then Jack's body was nowhere to be found and that is only because he was
still alive. Soon Jack took revenge by pushing Humpty Dumpty down the wall. This made Jill very angry and so she
sent Humpty (..now disfigured face) to Jack with Magic Beans and then Jack sowed them and a tree grew on which
Jack climbed and he had to face the Giant and he being Jack outwitted the Giant and came down the bean stalk with
the Giant following him. Jill thought that this is a good way to get rid of both Jack and Giant and so she cut down
bean stalk. Yet Jack survived and the giant died because of the head injuries suffered from the fall. Jack showed Jill
all the treasure and Jill now knew that Jack IS the MAN she always wanted - a rich man. But Jack knew that Jill is
planning against him all along because Snow White who stayed in nearby forest told him that she had seen Jill with
Humpty in a jungle (...FLASHBACK) and so he asked the Wolf who had just served a prison sentence for trying to eat
Little Red Riding Hood to eat Jill. But when the wolf was about to eat Jill, Jill said that she had really fallen in love with
Jack and that she had lost money in the recently happened race between hare and tortoise where she bet on the
hare winning but the tortoise won and Humpty told her that he would pay her debt if she marries him. Then Jack told
her that actually Humpty and he had asked the snake to gulp down the hare when he was sleeping so that tortoise
could win and they made a lot of money and the Humpty didn't want to give him his due share and so may be Humpty
would have planned all this all along. So Jack tells Jill that Rapunzel who is locked in a 'tower' was also promised by
Humpty that he will rescue her from there and they will get married and that they should tell Rapunzel the entire thing.
Rapunzel on listening to everything becomes a woman who is hell bent on vengeance and so this time when Humpty
Dumpty is using her long hair to climb the tower she cuts the hair off and Humpty falls down and breaks in to pieces.

I am Balding

Yes I am balding and I know that. Rather I should say that I was the first person to know that; when drops of rain hit
my head directly instead of shining on my hair I knew that the family curse has started to act on me too. But you
people keep on staring at me as if I am some kind of a retard who has murdered his entire extended family and is in a
permanent state of denial and needs to be reminded of it. No I am not, I am balding and it can mean anything but it
does not that my wife is available. Since the day I started losing hair I see people become more and friendlier to my
wife. She gets these amazing discounts when I go out with her for shopping and she attributes that to her intrinsic
ability to get a good deal. No, it is my brain that gets the money that she spends and it is my now shining head that is
helping her save. It's just me, me, ME, I am still important. Balding is not the end of the world. People can now see
more of me; my presence in this world has increased. I don't need to spend money on shampoo and oil. Who knows,
these might be the things causing cancer on this planet? So don't show me your concern and sympathy and don't hit
on my wife or else remember that once a man has lost his hair and then his wife in that sequence then he has
nothing else to lose and he can come after you like a rabid dog runs after a school going kid.
Occurring World

For a white guy a zebra is a white animal with black stripes. For a black guy a zebra is a black animal with white
stripes. For a Chinese a zebra is more difficult to cook than a chicken. For an Arab a zebra doesn't exist because he
is not mentioned in the holy book. For a Mexican a zebra is a white animal which used to roam around a lot of
construction sites and cement fell on him. For an Indian what a zebra is completely depends upon the ethnicity of his
boss. For a Pakistani a zebra is an animal which would not be suspected to be a suicide bomber.

I am Santa Claus

Imagine the amount of junk food I need to eat and no shaving for a year and you wonder why I am single? After God
decided to outsource toy manufacturing to Asia I have to deal with all the unemployed elves in North Pole (I mean the
part which has not melted or whatever is left of it). Now an elf is just another word for what you call a zombie in your
world. So you might want to consider the importance of keeping an elf busy. On Christmas eve I have to go to China
and get all the gifts from my Chinese elves and then go around the world distributing them in a single day. What do I
get to deliver them? Reindeers!! Reindeers are the least confident among all the birds. They need counseling for a
whole year to believe that they can fly and they need a lot of alcohol on the day that they have to fly. They simply
don't want to acknowledge the fact that they can fly and I believe that the fact that they are birds has not dawned
upon them yet. And what do I get for delivering gifts? There are no chimneys now a days and I have to get in through
the windows. Sometimes people make videos like 'Raccoon entering my house' when I try to sneak in and they
almost beat me to death as a raccoon, that you won't see on the video. Sometime people call 911 and looking at my
beard the cops question me about being part of some terrorist organization. They think that the reindeers are camels.
That day I tried to get in through the window and the theft alarm went on. I found myself at the end of a barrel of gun
held by a seven feet tall guy and to say the least I was his bitch till New Years Eve. He even made me cook reindeer
meat for him. The children, they just want more and more. They scream when they see that their sibling has got a
better gift. What can I do? If your brother or sister knows what to ask and you don't, that is not my fault? Last year a
million children asked god to shoot me dead for getting them the gifts that they had asked in the first place. God
warned me to do my job properly or else he will fire me. Fire me and replace me with whom? The North Pole as it is
melting; I applied for asylum in USA. They refused to accept I exist even after a personal interview. You believe in
God and not in Santa, why is that so? Seeing that I can sneak into any country unnoticed some other nations were
ready to provide me citizenship. All they wanted me to do is to carry some things which cant be necessarily
categorized as gifts. I refused that offer.

All I ask is that you believe that I exist!! This is not person trying to impersonate Santa Claus. I am Santa Claus, I am.

This year I have composed this new Jingle Bell too, hope you like it!!

Once I got a gun

And then I shot a nun

I went shooting all the way

And Boy it was fun

Jingle Bell

Jingle Bell

Jingle All the Way

All you guys

If you want

I will do an action replay!!

God as a Manager!

A God is like a manager who will never take the blame. He is just perfect and you are reporting to him and its always
your fault. If there is something wrong going on then it is YOU who are responsible and not God. If you didn't cause it
then you didn't take steps to stop it. If you took steps to stop it then you were not proactive enough to stop it from
happening. If you caused it then are either your actions or inactions. If you can't identify what caused it then it is your
karma that caused it. If nothing then your manager is just testing you for some after life award. What is this after life
award? Speculate! Speculate! Manager makes sure that the award remains a secret. No one who has got it can give
an interview or write a reveal all memoirs. He is remotely managing everything. Nobody knows where 'remote' is.
YOU work and then someone else gets your paycheck .It is again your fault, you didn't make sure that you should get
paid or maybe you didn't deserve it. What GOD does? What are his responsibilities? Does anyone know that? Worst,
God never told us what we should do? Imagine being hired at a place and you don't know what to do. Yes there are
manuals called 'Religions' but they confuse you more. A manual often contradicts the other. If the manual doesn't get
you killed then another employee who is reading some other manual or may be the same might kill you. It is said that
Manager's son once showed up and got himself crucified for your mistakes. Mistakes which you could not have done
because you were not even hired in the first place. Still worst, in here everyone fears a sudden promotion.
Pablo the Salesman

Would you want to buy any of these?

1) Burn Me Not- Lava Protection Suit

With so much seismic activity going on below the surface of earth the chances of you getting caught in Lava in really
high. Tested in Vesuvius, one and only 'Burn Me Not- Lava Protection Suit' (Made in China)

2) Jesus Shoes - Help you walk on water, why do you want to spend time and money on learning swimming?

3) Hurry Cane - Makes your old man walk faster

4) Anti Vampire Bite Stainless Steel Neck: Fools the vampire and breaks the teeth of the vampire if it tries to bite
you.

5) Chameleon Protection Lotion: Changes the color of your skin and confuses the chameleon!

6) Moody-Go Mood Equalizer: It will give an appropriate fortune cookie to make you a little sad when you are very
happy and a little happy when you are very said. Extreme emotions are not that good!

7) Crayons Turn-ons: When your child is busy painting with these crayons, the crayons will turn on the parents and
you can plan more kids while your kids are painting.

8) Vending Machine Locator: It will help you locate the nearest vending machine. No more staying hungry!

9) Pincher: Press it and it will pinch you and if you feel the pinch then you are alive.

10) Salt-O-meter: Set it once and it will tell you whether the amount of salt is as per your taste or not.

11) Television scope (Telev-scope): It makes you feel your tv is much bigger than it actually is ..

12) Tea Coffee Converter: How embarrassing it is when someone has asked for coffee and you have made tea. This
machine will convert tea in to coffee and vice versa.