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Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also
embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing
Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Diana! My name is Angela B. I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center
Review to improve your writing today. Let's get started!

*Writing Strength:
Your thesis is clear and concise, Diana. This allows your readers to understand the content, purpose,
and organization of your paper. Good job! Heres your thesis:

The Things They Carried can be appreciated as an initiation narrative, in which the reader
observes the initiation of Jimmy Cross from an immature young man at war into a true leader
for his platoon.

Content Development
Some of your paragraphs conclude abruptly. Let me show you what I am referring to:

Although there is different perspectives on the concept of an initiation story, The Things They
Carried definitely fits in this category since the reader can appreciate clearly the development
of Jimmy Cross as he realizes that his obligation was not to be loved but to lead (OBrien
577).

The excerpt above is not an effective concluding sentence because it simply provides additional
information in the form of a supporting detail (information from an outside source) due to your use of
an in-text citation. This revision is needed because a proper concluding sentence can help give your
readers a sense of closure regarding the paragraph, and using supporting details might raise more
questions than answers due to providing additional information.

For example, your readers might wonder what this information means in relation to your main idea. In
order to improve your concluding sentences, you can either:
Further explain the supporting detail you provided, summarize the paragraph, reiterate the
paragraph's main point in your own words
Introduce the next topic in order to give your readers a sense of closure, which seems to be
about the beginning of the story.

Give these options a try, Diana!

Introduction/Conclusion
Your conclusion does not effectively reflect on the larger implications of your main idea. Your readers
are waiting to find out what the implication of your main topic is in the long run. However, they are
not given this experience because your conclusion is a general recap of the discussions without giving
much of a reflection on them. I will be quoting an excerpt from your conclusion:

At the end of the story the reader can witness a new version of Jimmy Cross, a man who cares
about his soldiers and does not allow distractions, a man who resulted from a difficult
initiation.

This merely restates the gist of your paper without further explanations on the larger implications of
your essay. Your draft will benefit from a conclusion that answers the following questions: What do
you want your readers to realize after reading your essay? What can we all learn from Jimmy Crosss
trials and tribulations? Revise your conclusion accordingly. You can also view the lesson on
Conclusions for more information on how to craft an effective conclusion.
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*Diana 9305884 has requested that you respond to the Grammar & Mechanics:
Some of your sentences are missing commas. Using commas to separate words and ideas is important
because it allows your readers to have a smooth reading experience. Failure to use commas when
needed can cause confusion. Take a look at this excerpt from your draft:

At the beginning of the story it is clear that he does not take his responsibility as a leader
seriously. . .

Words, phrases, and clauses placed before the main clause of a sentence are known as introductory
elements. Most often, these introductory elements tell when, where, why, or how the action occurred.
A comma shows readers that the introductory element has ended and the main sentence follows. So
you may understand the revision need better, I have created a parallel example below:

In the story, the protagonist showed how a little honesty goes a long way.

Please check your draft for similar errors. You may read more about Commas in your Smarthinking
Writers Handbook.

*Diana 9305884 has requested that you respond to the Sentence Structure:
Since content development is more urgent, I have focused on this area instead of sentence structure.
In the meantime, take a look at Sentence Unity and Clarity to learn more about it.

Summary of Next Steps:

Avoid using supporting details as concluding sentences.

Create a strong conclusion that presents the larger implications of your essay.
Separate introductory elements from the main sentence by using commas.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision
process. Have a good day, Diana! Angela B.

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer's
Handbook.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.

Diana Medina

Prof. Flynn

ENGL 1302-111

29 Apr.2017

Initiation of Jimmy Cross on The Things They Carried

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The Things They Carried by Tim OBrien is the story of a platoon during the Vietnam

War. Throughout the story, the narrator describes what each one of the soldiers carried and by

this description the readers get an insight of the personalities of the soldiers and what their lives

in war were like. Along with this, the reader is able to witness the evolution of the characters

during the story. The most notable example of this evolution is Jimmy Cross, one of the main

characters of the story. The Things They Carried can be appreciated as an initiation narrative,

in which the reader observes the initiation of Jimmy Cross from an immature young man at war

into a true leader for his platoon.

The concept of an initiation story has a variety of meanings depending on who is defining

it, but all concepts agree that an initiation story is a story in which a character experiences an

event that is life-changing, just like Jimmy Cross on The Things They Carried. Mordecai

Marcus, an English professor at Purdue University, claims that an initiation story shows adult

society deliberately testing and indoctrinating the young, or shows the young compelled in a

relatively universal manner to enact certain experiences in order to achieve maturity (Marcus

222). In this case Jimmy Cross, a young immature men is tested by the catastrophes of war in

order to achieve manhood and accept his reality as a lieutenant of a platoon. Casey Clabough, an

American writer, puts is another way, she suggests that the origin of the initiation narrative is the

protagonist's existential predicament, a problem that needs be understood but is predestined to a

limited resolution (Clabough 57). In this occasion, Jimmy Cross existential predicament is that

he was not only fighting in the battlefield, but also in his heart. He had to decide between his

beloved one and his platoon. Although there is different perspectives on the concept of an

initiation story, The Things They Carried definitely fits in this category since the reader can
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appreciate clearly the development of Jimmy Cross as he realizes that his obligation was not to

be loved but to lead (OBrien 577).

Jimmy Cross, the main character of The Things They Carried, is a young, immature

men who ended up at the Vietnam War out of an impulse. He is in charge of a platoon and

throughout the story the readers can appreciate the evolution of this character regarding his role

as a leader. The storyline begins with the narrator relating that Jimmy Cross carried with him the

letters of Martha, a girl whom he is in love with but who did not share the same feelings. At the

beginning of the story it is clear that he does not take his responsibility as a leader seriously, as

he spends most of his time daydreaming about Martha, wondering what she was doing,

wondering if she was a virgin. It is evident that his love for Martha had crossed the limits; the

narrator relates how Jimmy Cross would sometimes taste the envelope flaps, knowing her

tongue had been there (OBrien 564). Martha was a junior at Mount Sebastian College in New

Jersey, and she did not only was the woman he loved, she represented home back in America and

his desires to go back and be normal, but that was not his reality. The letters and the lucky charm

she had sent him were little pieces of home for Jimmy Cross. Fantasizing with Martha was

Jimmys way to escape his reality, war. When he thought about Martha he was no longer in the

middle of a Vietnam Jungle, he was back home in the Jersey shoreline. Jimmys obsession with

Martha would end up costing him the life of one of his soldiers. This tragic event would make

Jimmy reflect and rethink his role as a leader.

What sets in motion Jimmy Cross initiation into a man is the tragic death of one of his

soldiers, Ted Lavender. During the war, one of the missions of Jimmys platoon was to search

and destroy tunnel complexes. No one wanted to be the one to perform the job, so they would

draw numbers. Lee Strunk was the one without luck on one occasion. [What made him seem as
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the one without luck? What happened to him after they drew numbers? Clarify this for

your readers.] While the other soldiers waited for Lee Strunk, Ted Lavender, who was the most

scared of death, took a tranquilizer and went to pee. Jimmy Cross went close to the tunnel to

examine it, then he suddenly started to think about Martha, as usual. Lee Strunk got out, and

moments later Ted Lavender was shot when he was on his way back. Lieutenant Jimmy Cross

felt guilty for Lavenders death because instead of being there for his soldiers, he was thinking

about Martha. Cross had loved Martha more than his men, and as a consequence Lavender was

now dead, and this was something he would have to carry like a stone in his stomach for the rest

of the war (OBrien 572). This event makes Jimmy Cross come to a realization. Lavenders

death was a wake-up call for Lieutenant Jimmy Cross; he realized he was not in Jersey, but in

war. Tina Chen explains in her analytical essay that this heartbreaking event forced Jimmy to

realize that the romantic fantasies produced by an exilic consciousness longing to return home

to America are unable to meet the exigencies of combat experience in Vietnam (Chen). He had

no time to be daydreaming about a girl, after all, he was the one who carried the most, as he

carried the lives of his soldiers. Jimmy Cross had to choose what was worth carrying. He took a

decision and there was no looking back, his obsession had cost him Ted Lavender his life. The

only way Cross found to live with the guilt was to become a real soldier and lead the platoon

wisely, without the distraction of a girl who did not love him.

After Lavenders Jimmy took the decision to become a better leader, he would eliminate

any distraction that could keep him from being the leader that his platoon deserved. He felt

extremely guilty because he knew that it was his responsibility to take care of his man, and

although he still loved Martha, he hated her because of it. He did not only blame himself for

Lavenders death, in some sort of way he also blamed Martha. In response to Lavender's death,
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Jimmy Cross burned Martha's letters, this was his way to represent change and prove to himself

that now he would become the soldier he was supposed to be. As Rena Korb puts it in her

analytical essay, The Things They Carried, Jimmy Cross had concluded that his imagined

world has put the lives of his men at risk (Krob). She also explains that Cross sees the events in

stark, black-and-white terms: Martha or his men (Krob), which is particularly true since the first

thing he does after lavenders death is to blame himself and Martha because he realizes that the

distraction is making him an incompetent leader. Now, Cross was determined to shape both

himself and his platoon into ideal soldiers, he would request more discipline of them. [How

exactly did he request more discipline from them? Illustrate an example in order to prove

your point. Make sure that you are able to relate this point to the thesis.] He is not

concerned with weather his men would be happy with this new attitude because he understand

that he has to be a good leader and keep them alive rather than making them happy. This shift in

Jimmys attitude as a leader, shows the strong impact that the death of Lavender had on him and

is the result of the initiation he went through.

The Things They Carried by Tim OBrien illustrates the initiation of Jimmy Cross form

an irresponsible man to a true leader. Cross had to overcome the personal dilemma of choosing

between the girl he loved and the lives of his soldiers, and although it was a painful transition he

came to the realization of what he had to do. Whether he liked it or not, he was at war and he had

to face it as man. It was necessary the death of one of his soldiers for him to understand his place

and what he had to do. At the end of the story the reader can witness a new version of Jimmy

Cross, a man who cares about his soldiers and does not allow distractions, a man who resulted

from a difficult initiation. [ This sentence contains an introductory element that isnt
 Medina 7

separated from the main sentence. Use commas to separate them from each other. (e.g. In

the end, it did not even matter.)]

Works Cited

Chen, Tina. "'Unraveling the Deeper Meaning': Exile and the Embodied Poetics of Displacement

in Tim O'Brien's 'The Things They Carried.'." Contemporary Literature, no. 1, 1998, p.

77. EBSCOhost, 0-

search.ebscohost.com.libcat.sanjac.edu/login.aspx?direct=true&db=edsglr&AN=edsgcl.2

0584821&site=eds-live.

Clabough, Casey. "The Primary Story: George Garrett's Initiation Fiction." Texas Review, vol.

28, no. 1/2, Spring/Summer2007, pp. 57-80. EBSCOhost, 0-

search.ebscohost.com.libcat.sanjac.edu/login.aspx?direct=true&db=lfh&AN=32774068&

site=eds-live.

Korb, Rena. "The Things They Carried." Short Stories for Students, Gale, 2002. Literature

Resource Center,

go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do?p=LitRC&sw=w&u=txshracd2544&v=2.1&id=GALE%7CH1

420022973&it=r&asid=94a01e833623de3676d58dfc2653dc5b. Accessed 16 Apr. 2017.

Marcus, Mordecai. "What Is an Initiation Story?." The Journal of Aesthetics and Art Criticism,

no. 2, 1960, p. 221. EBSCOhost, 0-

search.ebscohost.com.libcat.sanjac.edu/login.aspx?direct=true&db=edsjsr&AN=edsjsr.10

.2307.428289&site=eds-live.

OBrien, Tim. The Things They Carried. The Norton Introduction to Literature, edited by

Kelly J. Mays, Shorter 12th edition, W.W. Norton & Company, 2017, pp. 564577.