Courtship: The Traditional Filipino Way (Pre-Hispanic Period)

Vs. Modern Courtship (Present)

The Traditional Filipino Way

The Filipino way of courtship is probably among the most romantic in the world.

Tulay (go-between)
A man, no matter how much she likes the lady, cant just approach her in the street and
ask for her number or address. He would need to seek the help of a common friend who
will act as the bridge or the go-between (similar to a wingman) to ask permission from
the ladys parents to visit her in the house.

Thoughtful Gifts
When a permission to visit is granted, the man is expected to bring thoughtful gifts like
flowers, chocolates and love letters. Visiting the ladys house will then be more frequent
and consistent to show his commitment.

Paninilbihan
As the courtship advances, the frequent visits and thoughtful gifts will be accompanied
by paninilbihan or servitude. A mans sincere desire to help in the ladys house is a way
to show his good intentions for her. The usual act of servitude includes fetching water
from the well to the ladys house, chopping of firewood and pounding of rice.

Harana
Harana or serenade is also a big part of the courtship. The man would sing a love song
outside the ladys house at night and until she opens her window to see and listen to him
sing. After the harana, he is then accommodated inside the house.

Chaperoned Dates
The courtship progresses and the lady accepts her suitors love and they can finally go
out on a date but this cant be done without a chaperon. Although already in the
relationship, it is necessary the couple is not left alone; hence, a chaperon should always
be present in the couples company when they go out on a date.
Pamamanhikan

When the man feels he is ready to get married, he brings his parents to the ladys house
to formally ask for her hand in marriage. If both parties agree to the engagement, the
parents of the lady and the man will start discussing wedding plans for the couple.

Modern Courtship

Stage 1: Man asks a woman if he can court her. No matter what the woman's answer is,
the man still pursues to convince the woman to let him proceed further with the courtship.
Some people nowadays just uses online dating apps like Tinder to find their match.

Stage 2: The man will communicate with the woman through text messages or chat
messages all the time until she shows some interest - it can be a very simple text that
shows he cares about her, such as, kumain ka na ba? (Have you eaten already?); this is
a typical conversation starter for Filipinos.

Stage 3: When the woman shows interests to the man, he will ask her to be his girlfriend.
"If you like me and I like you, then we're together".

Stage 4: Once they are in a relationship, most women don't tell their parents. Filipino
parents are commonly strict and follow the traditional way of courtship. The lovebirds
usually get to know each other by going on a date, since the parents might not know
about this love affair, they spend time together in public, rather than at the woman's
house, where the parents are present or near.

Stage 5: Parents will eventually find out. So now it's out in the open, the man is allowed
to come visit her and the couple is allowed to go on dates, but sometimes with a curfew.
He must bring her home before her curfew, set by her parents.

Last Stage: The man asks the woman to get married. He usually don't have to ask the
parents, but it would be polite to do so. The woman may say yes or no, whether or not
her parents agree with her decision.
 These are just examples of how the modern courtship in the Philippines
work nowadays. There are exceptions, of course. The difference of the modern courtship
from tradition is that in the modern ways, men don't have to work as hard. Women don't
have to be that much of a pakipot (hard to get), everything eventually becomes mutual
and feelings are shared and communicated both ways. With the western influence and
recent technologies, traditional courtship has been left behind. Although some Filipinos
still follow this - they add some modern twist to the courtship.

In my opinion, I strongly think that we should bring back the traditional ways of
courting under the Filipino culture because it gives such a huge importance on the value
of respecting the woman and her family and strictly adhering with proper rules set by
society for pursuing a lady. This practice forbids men to be very forceful and aggressive
when they want the lady very much. A man cannot just talk and approach a lady in the
street and ask her number. The traditional ways would require hard work, commitment
and perseverance. The time, the energy, the effort, the thoughts and the commitment will
never be matched by a monetary value. In this way, the Filipino men would learn how to
value their partner a little bit more because they know how much work theyve put in, to
get the girl that they want.

Courting a Filipina in a traditional way is not easy and takes a real man with his
true love to endure that long and arduous process of courtship. But when it comes to
true love, as they say, its all worth it.