What Beasts Lurk?

Mike Ervin Page | 1

Im coming home at night. Theres a skittering in the dark. Its a skittering dog. A dog on

the loose. No leash, no human anywhere. A cocker-spaniel-sized dog. But the dogs wearing a

bandit mask.

A raccoon! I freeze! In the immediate background are the lights, the neon of downtown

5 Chicago. In the foreground, a raccoon closing in.

The raccoon darts to the left and disappears under a parked car. But I still freeze. They say

raccoons are ornery, nasty. If I move it might pounce. Can my motorized wheelchair outrun an

agitated raccoon? The front door of my building is only 10 feet away. Do I creep forward with

caution or go full throttle?

10 I opt for top speed and make it to the warmth of my lobby without objection from the

raccoon. Im safe but damage has been done. Theres a permanent psychological scar. This time it

was just a raccoon but what will it be next time? A coyote? A couple summers ago at the Quiznos

in downtown Chicago, just a few blocks from my home, a coyote walked in. It was hot so the

Quiznos door was open and the coyote pranced in and plopped down in the beverage cooler to

15 escape the heat. The animal control people took it away and they told the press they remove coyotes

from the city about 15 times a year.

People spot coyotes in the city all the time. So what happens if I turn the corner someday

and theres a coyote? A low, slow target like me makes for a quick and easy lunch for an urban

coyote on the go. Maybe my wheelchair can outrun a raccoon, but what about a coyote?

20 The only way I might ever feel safe on the streets again is if I carry around a rubber alligator

at all times. I visited a corporate headquarters once. It was a pristine, tranquil, gated suburban

compound with a placid pond as its centerpiece. But every year the serenity was shattered by flocks

of migrating geese who loved to frolic on the pond and shit on the cars. The corporate hierarchy

faced a dilemma. How could they satisfy the growing clamor for un-shat-upon cars while avoiding

25 the public relations nightmare that would inevitably accompany a goose massacre? Somehow they
 discovered rubber alligators that serve as scarecrows for geese. They put rubber alligators on the

pond and the geese stayed away.

So maybe if I menacingly shake a rubber alligator it might scare away a coyote. Or maybe

it might provoke the coyote because I tried to insult its intelligence and make matters worse.

30 Because it wasnt long before the geese got wise to the corporate trickery and they rode the backs

of the rubber alligators and shit on the cars with renewed vigor.

But even if a rubber alligator would terrify away a coyote, would it even faze a cougar?

Because a couple years ago Chicago police shot and killed a 150-pound cougar that was prowling

around outside a neighborhood elementary school. What happens if a slow-moving cripple like me

35 encounters a cougar? I suppose I could find some tips on the internet on how to scare away a

cougar but I wont bother to look it up for the same reason I dont bother to listen when flight

attendants give emergency evacuation instructions. Its all moot because if Im on a plane and the

pilot announces Ladies and gentlemen were having some trouble with. as soon as I hear that

Ill freak out and die of a heart attack right there on the spot. Even if the sentence turns out to be

40 Ladies and gentlemen were having some trouble with the latrine, itll be too late. Ill already be

dead. If you ever see the headline PLANE LANDS SAFELY, MAN DIES ANYWAY youll know

its me.

The same applies to cougars. If I ever find myself face to face with a cougar, Ill instantly

freak out and die.

45 Spring is coming, but all the joy is missing from the anticipation. When the glaciers recede

Ill be free to roam the city again. But since my raccoon confrontation Ill always be wary of what

other beasts lurk. Theres nowhere to hide, not even in Quiznos.

Life is hard when youre both a cripple and an incurable chickenshit like me.

MLA Citation:
Ervin, Mike. What Beasts Lurk? Smart Ass Cripple. Blogspot. 17 Feb 2011. Web. 15 Aug 2013.