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General personal safety concepts

Protect your boundaries assertively.


Perpetrators want easy access to their potential victims. They generally do not want to be yelled at, outsmarted,
hit back, or held accountable for their actions. Displaying confident and decisive behavior can show a potential
attacker that our personal space will not be violated easily. In short, it helps to seem difficult to an attacker.
This can be accomplished through several forms of assertiveness.
Physical assertiveness
Upright posture and relaxed body movements make you look comfortable in your body and not easily
intimidated. Looking at and listening to what is happening around you makes you appear difficult to catch
by surprise. Taking up extra space when sitting and standing makes it appear that you have strong physical
boundaries that you will protect. Making brief eye contact with a neutral facial expression says, I see you
and Im not afraid. Breaking eye contact by looking to the side looks more confident than dropping your
gaze towards the ground. Avoid direct eye contact with those who you believe could misinterpret it as a
challenge, or as an invitation into your space.
Verbal assertiveness
Typically, attackers do not expect us to verbally confront them. Having the willingness to speak up in your
defense can go a long way towards preventing or ending an attack. A variety of verbal strategies can help
send a message that you are not easily intimidated. De-escalating can calm down an agitated attacker,
increasing safety for you. This includes using a calm voice, no sudden body movements, and a convincing
message of sympathy and agreement (even if you dont really feel that way). Deception & distraction can
buy some time or create an opening for escape, e.g. changing the subject, asking questions. Negotiation can
modify a perpetrators demands or create an opportunity for escape. Clearly and repeatedly saying NO
communicates your unwillingness to comply with demands. Naming the offensive behavior can
communicate that you recognize what the attacker is trying to do and you are not being fooled.
Directives/commands can take the perpetrator aback and make you appear in control. Yelling can send a
message that you are not an easy target, and can attract attention from others that might help.
Mental assertiveness
Self-confidence, self-love, and self-respect are the internal foundations that allow us to show physical and
verbal assertiveness to the external world. Mental assertiveness also includes trusting your intuition and
having the ability to talk yourself through a bad situation. (Im going to be OK. I can handle this.) It also
includes awareness, active thinking, and pre-planning. When a persons confidence has been damaged by
previous abuse, they often do an acting job- they pretend to feel confident. Many have reported that after
they pretend to feel confident for a while, they actually do feel more confident. Many people experiencing
domestic violence use mental assertiveness when it is not safe to use physical or verbal assertiveness.

3 Step model of Assertiveness


1. Name it! (Name the Behavior)
2. Frame it (Put a boundary the behavior)
3. Change it (Enforce the boundary)

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Trust your intuition, and act on it.
Trusting intuition is the exact opposite of living in fear. Gavin DeBecker
Our intuition is our internal alarm system, and it alerts us to dangers that are not obvious, but are nevertheless
real. We may experience intuition in many ways, such as a gut feeling, a little voice, an uh-oh feeling, feeling
of dread, a hunch, a doubt, or with physical sensations like a tightness in the stomach, hair standing on end, or a
racing heart. When you sense that a situation is bad, resist the temptation to hope for the best, or to wait for
some proof. The sooner you act, the more likely you can get away from the danger. This might mean doing
something embarrassing or risking being disliked. Acting on our intuition, regardless of the criticism,
embarrassment, or inconvenience that may result, can help prevent assaults.
You might ask yourself, What is the worst thing that could happen to this other person if I act on my intuition
and Im wrong? Their feelings could be hurt. What is the worst thing that could happen to me if I dont act on
my intuition? I could be attacked, and decide which is worse.
It is possible for people to become influenced by previous traumatic incidents, or by prejudice, or by inaccurate
information. They may experience what at first feels like intuition, but is actually prejudice or worry. If this
happens, you may find that your fears unnecessarily keep you from doing things you want or need to do. When
you find yourself having a fear reaction again and again to a whole group of people or a whole area of town, it
would be a good idea to try to determine why you are having the reaction. Once you are out of the specific
situation, ask yourself: where did this fear come from? Is it based on real evidence? Is it helping or hurting?
Doing this can help you recognize, accept, and act on your true intuition.

Maintain a degree of healthy distrust.


Giving people the benefit of the doubt is commonly accepted as a standard of social politeness. However,
expecting that people should earn our trust is a safer standard. Make reasoned decisions about who you will
allow into your personal space, who you will provide with personal information, and with whom you will be
alone. Ask yourself first, do I have good reason to trust this person?

Get in touch with your anger if people try to harm you.


You have the absolute right to live your life free of violence. Your anger can help you to overcome fear and has
the potential to scare off an attacker.

Get educated about violence.


Learn to recognize where danger truly exists and where it does not. Learn warning signs. Realize that people
we know, not strangers, perpetrate the great majority of the violence that occurs. While it is a good idea to take
precautions with strangers, it is more important to take precautions with people we know. There are many good
sources of information about violence suggested in this packet.

Make some plans.


Instead of trying to ignore your fears of violence, face them head-on. What am I most afraid of? What are the
chances it will actually happen to me? What can I do to prevent it from happening? If I cant prevent it, what
can I do to deal with it if it happens? Facing your fears and doing some safety-planning can both free you
from constant worry and make you better prepared in the event something actually happens.

Develop your skills.


Practicing in a safe environment is a great way to prepare for situations we may encounter. Take self-defense
classes from multiple programs. Practice your skills with friends. Give yourself assignments. (For example,
This week, I will practice making eye contact with people as I walk by them on the sidewalk.)

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City of Portland, PPB
Get organized and work for societal change.
Interpersonal violence is at least as much a societal problem as it is an individual one. Dont give in to hopelessness-
there is a lot you can do! Get to know your neighbors. Support your local domestic violence shelters and sexual assault
centers with your time, money, or donations of clothes and household items. Refuse to give up on a friend who stays in a
relationship that you think is dangerous. Lobby politicians to support anti-violence programs. Write a letter to the editor.
Join Neighborhood Watch. Teach your kids their bodies belong to them. Working together, we can make a difference!
Be aware of common attacker strategies and pre-plan your defense. Many perpetrators use Isolation, Surprise,
Intimidation, and Silence against their intended victims. Frequently, isolation and surprise are used together,
and intimidation and silence are used together. Often, all four are present. Strangers, acquaintances, and
intimates may use these, in public and in private.

Strategy & how it might be used What might help


Isolation Buddy system (although its not always available)
It is much easier for an attacker to attack someone who is Identify some safe places to go when you are out and about,
isolated, and the attacker is less likely to be caught. e.g. friends houses, stores, bars, supermarkets, fire stations,
Physical isolation: alone in home with abusive partner; alone in police stations
car with pushy date; alone on street, in parking lot, in building, Call attention to yourself- make noise, make a scene
etc. Use technology to reach out, e.g. cell phones, regular
Psychological isolation: abusive partner limits or does not phones
permit contact with others. Make sure people know where you are, and with whom, or
create the impression that they do in the mind of the
attacker.
Ask a stranger who feels safe for help. If they wont help,
ask another person.
If in a relationship, continue to maintain ties with family,
friends, co-workers, etc.
Surprise Awareness of surroundings: this means visual awareness
Physical surprise: Attacker hides behind something and jumps (look all around you), and auditory awareness (you might
out, or approaches very quickly. want to turn down your stereo headphones or take them off
Some attackers pressure their intended victims to drink or take entirely if you are in an isolated place or your intuition tells
drugs, or secretly slip them drugs, because it is easier to you to.)
overwhelm an intoxicated person. If you choose to drink, be very selective about where, when,
Psychological surprise: When someone we never expected to be and with whom you drink, and how intoxicated you are.
violent is violent. Often the result of stereotypes about who is/is Using alcohol and/or drugs makes it much harder to protect
not a criminal based on race, income level, educational level, yourself.
neighborhood, etc. OR, in an abusive relationship when the Respond to gut feelings about behavior rather than
abuser is constantly changing the rules. stereotypes about appearance.
Intimidation Breathing slowly and deeply and doing positive self-talk.
Can be very obvious (pointing a weapon, saying something Responding in non-verbal and verbal ways that maintain
threatening) or more subtle (leaning over someone, clenching dignity but do not escalate the interaction. Could be as
jaw muscles). Mean facial expressions, putdowns, etc. subtle as sitting up straight, making some eye contact, and
Attackers very often are power trippers, who try to make trying to calm someone down, or as straightforward as
others feel small and powerless so they can feel big and telling the attacker that their behavior is unacceptable or
powerful by comparison. yelling loudly.
Silence You dont have to be silent just because someone tells you
Trying to get a person to be quiet before, during, and after an to. You could de-escalate (calming the person down),
attack. Dont make any noise. Dont tell anyone about this. negotiate, deceive, name the behavior, yell... Let your
intuition be your guide.
Never talking about an attack is not a good long-term
strategy. Even if our gut feeling tells us to be quiet during
an attack, it is a good idea to tell someone as soon as we are
safe after the attack- a friend, counselor, police, crisis
hotline worker, spiritual advisor, or a diary.

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Email: womenstrength.pb@portlandoregon.gov Web: www.portlandonline.com/police/womenstrength
City of Portland, PPB
Consider your own personal Escape Options.
Everyone has a self-defense toolbox with them at all times. While your toolbox may contain some physical
objects, such as weapons, it will mostly hold skills and knowledge. The more tools we have in this toolbox, the
more likely it is that we can end an attack. In fact, research on assaults against women indicates that women
who use multiple strategies during an attack are more likely to escape with less harm or escape entirely. All of
the following six escape options work some of the time; none of them work all of the time. These options are in
no particular order.

Running can mean literally sprinting away from an attacker; it can also mean walking away, jumping out of a
moving car, climbing out of a window, hiding under a piece of furniture, or leaving an abusive relationship.
Running is anything that moves us from a dangerous place to a safer place. If you decide to physically run
away, there are two things to consider:
(1) Can I outrun this person? (How far can I run before I am exhausted? What is my physical conditioning
relative to this person?)
(2) Is there somewhere to run to? (How far away is help? How accessible is help? Will the attacker be able to
find me?)

Verbal defense is virtually always a component of an escape. Nothing can communicate anger, strength, and
the need for assistance like the human voice can. Yelling at an assailant can startle him, potentially loosening a
hold. Yelling causes our adrenaline to rush, giving us energy and helping us think clearly. If anyone is in
earshot, yelling can call attention to our situation. A targeted person angrily yelling NO! or BACK OFF! or
LEAVE ME ALONE! is not consistent with the fantasy that most attackers have likely had of a fearful and
compliant victim.
Talking is another form of verbal defense. It could cause an attacker to reconsider, and has the potential to buy
us some time to try more strategies. Talking can include lying (My mom is going to be home in five
minutes.); naming the behavior (You keep trying to kiss me when I have already told you no. You are
ignoring my feelings.); negotiating (Ill be quiet if youll put on a condom.); or de-escalating (You seem
very angry, and I can really understand why. Id be angry too.)
Verbal defense is most likely to help if it is done assertively rather than aggressively. Assertiveness focuses on
the persons behavior, using clear, non-blaming statements. (I dont like the way you are touching me. I want
you to take your hands off me now.) In contrast, aggressiveness focuses on the person, using insults,
putdowns, and cussing. (You are such a #@*%# loser! You make me sick!) Attackers may not respond to
our assertiveness with an apology, but they are much more likely to retaliate for our verbal aggressiveness.

Waiting means making an active choice to do nothing right now, but it is not the same thing as consenting to
the attack. Waiting gives us an opportunity to choose the safest time to escape or try other options. It might
mean waiting partway through an attack until we are able to use some other options, or waiting out the entire
attack and getting help afterwards. Waiting gives us time to observe identifying features if the attacker is a
stranger, or to leave behind or take something that would prove we were at the location of the assault, or to just
breathe and think about what to do next. It is a strategy commonly used by women who are abused by their
partners. Any option that enables us to get through a situation alive or with less physical or emotional damage
is a skill worth having in our toolboxes.

Unexpected Behavior can distract an attacker and may buy us some time to try other options. It is a large
category that includes anything that confuses the attacker and/or makes them want to get away because they
dont know what to expect from us. Some examples that might work: yelling when we are expected to be quiet;
de-escalating when we are expected to struggle; pretending to know an unknown attacker; and pretending that
someone is nearby who might help us. To be most effective, unexpected behavior needs to be truly surprising

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and convincing and not leave us in a more vulnerable position. (Some forms of unexpected behavior, such as
pretending to have a medical condition, vomiting, or acting mentally ill, have worked for some people, but also
increase vulnerability and can backfire badly.) If you are creative and a good actor, unexpected behavior might
be a great option for you.

Weapons can be conventional weapons (guns, knives, pepper spray, etc.) or weapons of opportunity (hot
coffee, keys, pens, umbrellas, heavy books, aerosol sprays of all kinds, a handful of sand or dirt, etc.) Weapons
of opportunity are usually more available than conventional weapons. Weapons have the potential to
incapacitate an assailant, but must be available and ready to use. They can be taken away and used against us,
or they may not work as expected. For example, pepper spray doesnt always work on someone who is
intoxicated. To be effective with a weapon, especially conventional weapons, it is very important to get training
and practice with that weapon, and to be committed to hurting an attacker badly, to the ultimate potential of that
weapon. We may feel OK about using a weapon on some people (e.g. stranger) but not OK with using it on
others (e.g. partner, child). Or, we may not feel comfortable using any weapon at all. Think about what you are
and are not willing to do ahead of an emergency.

Fighting is the option about which there are the most misconceptions. It is untrue that women who fight a
potential rapist are more likely to be killed. And it is untrue that women must be black belts in a martial art to
fight effectively. If we choose to fight, we must be completely committed to incapacitating the attacker.
Sudden, well-placed strikes to vulnerable body parts are our greatest tools to create an escape with fighting.
Research indicates that immediate active resistance in the face of a threat increases our chances of getting away,
and with less damage. The downsides of fighting are that it is likely that we will be hit back, and we can only
use fighting for very escalated situations. Something like verbal defense can be used at any stage of an attack,
at any level of danger, but fighting is only appropriate for highly-dangerous emergency situations. Just as with
weapons, some people are not comfortable with the idea of hurting another person and dont want to be in that
position. Also, fighting may not be the safest of our options against an attacker who is also our intimate partner.

You may have noticed that there is some overlap between these six options. For example, if an attacker
expected a woman to be quiet and she is yelling, that is both unexpected behavior and verbal defense. Also, if a
person knows how to fight, they have weapons with them all the time- their hands, feet, knees, elbows, etc.
Are any of these escape options already in your toolbox? Which ones? Are you good at them, or do you have
room for improvement? Would you like to add any of them to your toolbox, or take any of them out? Are there
any other tools you can think of that are not on this list that might work for you?

Techniques for De-escalation


Calm yourself.
Breathe slowly & deeply.
Use positive self-talk.

Display a confident, calm, sincere demeanor.


Make eye contact with soft gaze.
Keep face neutral.
Keep posture calm & relaxed, but alert.
Move slowly
Seem sincere.

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Position yourself for safety.
Minimum of 2 arms-lengths away.
Behind a barrier if possible.
Look for escape routes.

Use your voice to create calm.


Keep voice calm, firm, low, slow, even.
Use short, simple sentences.

Use your words to establish connection.


Use the principle of Me too! Find agreement and perception of commonality
Listen actively. Use uh-huh and nod. Really listen to what the person wants and feels
Communicate Clearly: use their name
Acknowledge their feelings: acknowledge, agree, express regret, and empathize.
Redirect attention: Is there any way to distract them without being annoying?
Brainstorm solutions: Solicit constructive feedback
Validate feelings: If I were in your situation, I would feel the same way. Validate the emotion, not the
behavior. If validation is rejected (Of course your going to say that, you dont really mean it!), then
validate the rejection. (I can understand why you feel that way)
How to interrupt without destroying rapport: Use their name, tell them you are going to interrupt, tell them
why. Neil, I am going to interrupt you because I want to tell you.

Other Options
Use Humor Carefully. It can de-escalate, but it can also escalate. Use humor that unites, not separates.
Define behavioral limits. If you are going to shout and use obscenities, we will have to talk about this
another time.
Depersonalize. Shift the focus of their anger from you onto the situation, the rule, the red tape, etc. (Not
onto someone else!). It can be shifted to us against the thing as opposed to them against us. I know
this is upsetting to you, but these are just the rules we have to operate by. I understand why they are
frustrating.

AVOID: escalating behaviors such as arguing, ignoring, making threats, hurtful remarks, arguing, commanding,
shouting, personal space invasions, obscenities, competition, self-righteous attitude, threatening gestures, belittling,
or excessive friendliness (it can be interpreted as manipulative).

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Email: womenstrength.pb@portlandoregon.gov Web: www.portlandonline.com/police/womenstrength
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The What-If Worksheet

The What-If:
Think of a situation that scares you. What is that situation specifically? Be very detailed in your description.
What is the attacker using against you? Isolation? Surprise? Intimidation? Silence?

Prevention:
What could you do to prevent the situation from happening in the first place? What are the benefits and risks of
those options? Are you willing to accept those risks? Are you willing to accept those restrictions on your life?

Survival:
What if, despite your best efforts at prevention, the situation happens anyway? What could you do to end the
attack or decrease the harm done? Could you use any of the escape options? Which ones? What are the
benefits and risks of those options? Are you willing to accept those risks?

Healing:
What could you do afterwards to take care of yourself and heal? Who can you talk to? Which friends, or
community resources? What actions can you take to help you feel safe and strong again?

Follow-through:
Are you satisfied with the options youve identified for yourself? Do you feel you have enough skills and
information about this subject? If not, where could you get the skills and information you need?

WomenStrength (503) 823-0260 Fax (503) 823-0269


Email: womenstrength.pb@portlandoregon.gov Web: www.portlandonline.com/police/womenstrength
City of Portland, PPB

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