Running head: THE FEARFUL FRIENDS FRIEND PROBLEM

Response to the Fearful Friends Friend Problem

Mikayla R. Locke
Bryant University
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Abstract
This letter will address the interpersonal communication problem of the fearful friend.

This letter is in response to a classmate whose friendship is deteriorating due to the friends

romantic partner and other external factors. Interpersonal communication research and scholarly

articles help to provide ideas on how to maintain the friendship and provide information about

the commonness of this interpersonal issue and how it can be resolved.

Keywords: interpersonal communication, same sex friendship, relational maintenance,

relationship dissolution, turning points

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Dear Fearful Friend,

I would like to express my deepest compassion and concern for the challenges you are

facing between you and your best friend. Although I cannot completely understand your feelings

and the dynamic between the two of you, I have gone through similar challenges with my

childhood best friend. As we both know, close relationships should fulfill interpersonal needs

such as the need to belong to a social group and to feel loved and appreciated (Guerrero,

Andersen, & Afifi, 2014). After reading your letter it is clear that these interpersonal needs are

not being met and because you do not want to lose your lifetime friend, I have some suggestions

on how to maintain your friendship.

First I would like to express to you although this interpersonal communication problem

is unfavorable that it is common for friendships to experience turning points that lead to the

dissolution of those relationships. Research has suggested that friendships are more likely to

terminate than other relationships because there are few external pressures to continue the

friendship and because alternative friendships are available (Johnson, Wittenberg, Haigh, Wigley,

Becker, Brown & Craig, 2004). A study conducted by Jones et al. (2004) on turning points in

friendships that had ended found that mutual friends and the negative influence of a friends

romantic partner were common turning points. The turning points that were associated with

increased closeness were shared activities, spending time together, and sharing common interests

(Jones et al. 2004). The study by Jones et al. (2004) concluded that in friendships that ultimately

end, many do recover and reach high levels of closeness before ending. That being said, although

you do not wish to terminate your friendship at this point, there are opportunities to mend the

challenges you face between you and your friend in the meantime. If you find that after you

enact relational maintenance behaviors the situation remains unchanged, you should find comfort
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in knowing that these types of turning points are common and termination of a friendship does

not mean that those feelings of caring go away.

You mentioned that you need to find a good way to talk to your friend to fix the issue you

are facing and I think your friend would appreciate the effort you are putting in to maintain and

even improve your friendship. Based on information presented in the text about maintenance

behavior in same sex friendships, research shows that both men and women value self-disclosure

in their relationships, even though males tend to engage in more shared activities than women

(Guerrero et al., 2014). Based on those findings I would suggest speaking to your friend about

the importance of you and him spending time together doing shared activities that involve sports

and traveling. If you both decided to spend time together doing the activities you both enjoy, you

then could create a plan that involves just the two of you and would allow for communication

and relationship maintenance.

A study conducted by LaBelle and Myers (2016) on relational maintenance behaviors in

sustained adult friendships described three types of friendships. I believe that you fall into the

commemorative friends category which is defined as having many memories of that friend,

minimal contact between friends, and the friendship itself exists due to a memory that reflects

past moments when two individuals were heavily involved in each others lives (p. 311). This

type of friendship uses less relational maintenance behaviors than active friendships which are

characterized by mutually negotiated habits of availability, satisfactory contact, and emotional

commitment (LaBelle & Myers 2016). I believe that if you were to enact the maintenance

behaviors that are used in active friendships, you might be able to move your friendship into a

more satisfactory state and the risk of you losing your lifetime friend would be reduced.
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The study by LaBelle and Myers (2016) indicated that individuals in active friendships

used understanding, self-disclosure, assurances, and task relational maintenance behaviors more

frequently than those individuals in commemorative friendships (p. 314). The study also found

that maintenance behaviors such as positivity, relationship talks, and spending time with social

networks was used among all types of friendships for maintaining the relationship (LaBelle &

Myers 2016). You may be using some of these maintenance behaviors in your friendship now

but if not, I would suggest increasing the use of these behaviors to communicate to your friend

that you want to improve the condition of your friendship. The best way to start off with might

be a conversation so your friend knows that you want to work on improving your relationship

with him. I realize spending time with each others social networks is a challenge, so I would

suggest spending time with just the two of you, as joint activities are another prosocial

maintenance behavior.

LaBelle and Myers study (2016) found that as frequency of contact and closeness

increased so did patience, forgiveness, commitment, and sharing of activities. Based on those

finding I would assume that by communicating frequently with your friend and planning times

when the two of you could spend time alone, it would improve your friendship and allow the

opportunity for you and him to discuss the other challenges you face in your friendship.

I wish you the best in your decisions regarding your friendship with Mr. X. I hope that I

have provided you with some tools and ideas which will assist in opening the lines of

communication with your friend and improving the connection between the two of you.

Sincerely,

Your classmate
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References

Guerrero, L. K., Andersen, P.A., & Afifi, W. A. (2014). Close Encounters: Communication in

Relationships (4th Ed.) Los Angeles: Sage.

Johnson, A. J., Wittenberg, E., Haigh, M., Wigley, S., Becker, J., Brown, K., Craig, E. (2004).

The process of relationship development and deterioration: turning points in friendships

that have terminated. Communication Quarterly, 52, 54-67.

doi:10.1080/01463370409370178

LaBelle, S., Myers, S. A., (2016). The use of relational maintenance behaviors in sustained adult

friendships. Communication Research Reports, 33, 310-316.

doi:10.1080/08824096.2016.1224164