"Heartfelt help for smart women who are suffering...

"

THE GAP
RETURN TO YOURSELF:
HOW TO ACTUALLY RELAX,
SLEEP, AND THINK STRAIGHT
AGAIN IN SPITE OF A
ROMANTIC CRISIS

By Carol Allen
Okay, the worst has happened
Your hair is on fire.
Your nerves are in a blender.
You lie in bed, going over and over every detail

What you said.

What you SHOULD have said.
What he said.
What HE should have said.
(Cuz its his fault, right? Of course it is!)

What you did.

What you WISH you did.
What he did and now what hes NOT doing.

(Not calling, not texting, not making plans, not being nice can you believe
that guy?!?)

Youre stunned its happened again

A man has pulled away.
A man you THOUGHT was different.
A man you REALLY want to be close to make that, NEED to be close to.

(Perhaps even a man youve been close to for years. So the stakes are
REALLY high. Gulp.)

I feel ya

Ive been there.

Ive tossed and turned, in utter agony at a disconnection with a man

From my first love, to my college crushes, to my husband of forever.

It never gets any easier.

The initial HELL of it all, that is.

Lying at the bottom of that well of terrifying emotions, unable to think

straight, focus on anything else, get anything done, or breathe unsure how
youll ever emerge from the depths and get back into the light.

Yup, even us happily married/secure attachment style types can FALL into
the Gap with a man.

(Luckily, in my case, its only about once a decade these days. But it happens!)

The good news?

You dont have to stay there.

You can pick yourself up, calm yourself down, and (super importantly!) stay
calm, cool, and collected, if you DO interact with him, so you PREVENT any
further damage to your relationship, or the rest of your life.

Its true I promise.

If youre going through painful drama with a man, you can actually be happy
in spite of it.

Whether youre a little anxious and distracted, or on full RED ALERT, you can
stop the madness and come back to yourself.

Even just doing a few key simple things can hit the RESET button in your
mind, body, and soul.

You have so much more power than you think you do.

Ive slowly dusted myself off, and done the treacherous, painful climb up and
out of this misery.

Let me help you from falling any further, and share some tools to get you
back to your best YOU, or at the very least, the best VERSION of you
possible right now.

BUT FIRST, THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND

The way youre feeling is totally normal.

Yup, its not your fault youre freaking out.

Youre hard-wired for connection. And these emotions arent rational. (Oh,
yeah. All emotions arent rational! Emotions live in a totally different part of
the brain than the rational part.)

Any time we feel a threat of some kind to our property, our social status,
our happiness the emotional part of our brains starts to become
OVERACTIVE, and LOUD.
And if youve ever experienced disconnection or rejection with a man before
(who hasnt?), then you likely have the added fun of having your emotions
now REMIND you of those other times, too.

And if one (or more) of these disconnections from you past led to a big
heartbreak, your emotions may be blinding you to the reality of this current
situation, coloring your reaction to this guy, with the unfinished wreckage
left by that guy

So youre not just reacting to this situation. Youre responding to the

accumulation of all of those memories, and all those Ghosts from
Relationships Past (even if you dont consciously remember them).

Good times!

(I know Im being Captain Obvious right about now, I just had to remind
you cuz youre not thinking straight, remember?)

So, puhleez dont fall down a rabbit hole at the bottom of that dry well
(mixing my metaphors you get the idea!) by being MAD at yourself, or
judging yourself for feeling this way.

Youre already disconnected from HIM Please dont now disconnect from
YOURSELF.

We cant control what hes going to do. But you can control what youre
going to do and even what youre going to feel. (At least to a point.)

And you can be on your own side through this. And, girlfriend, to do more
than survive this oh-so-agonizing time, you MUST be.
Which is why Ive called this little tome, Get Back to YOURSELF

Right now your brain is tricking you to think that HE is the answer to this
feeling. That he can put you out of your misery, and that you need HIM to
feel better.

But you dont. The person you really need right now is YOU

ONE OF LIFES GREAT IRONIES

If youre a spiritual, Law of Attraction type (which I am!), then you likely
believe that you get what you believe.

And that everything happening to you in your life is a reflection of your

beliefs.

And, in part, thats true

Or maybe youre an Everything thats happening is for me to learn from

kind of girl, which is a lovely philosophy of life.

But theres another Law thats as important as the Law of Attraction, and
another Life Philosophy that can better serve you now.

I dont know the name of it. I dont even know if it has a name. But time and
time again, Ive seen the truth of it.

Its probably a law of physics or nature, as you can certainly look to nature
to see evidence of it.
Lets call it the Law of Connection (and so we stay on topic).

In using the Law of Connection you find that youll feel connected to people
like you. Youll feel drawn to people who are VIBE-ing the way you are.

This can be noticeable on the outside people that VIBE as you do might
share your interests, choices in music and fashion, and political beliefs - your
external ways of being.

But to really vibe with a man, youll find that he has to share things that are
not noticeable because theyre intangible, and more on the inside your
emotional ways of being.

This goes beyond the things you like and want (though it can include those),
and gets into issues of your, well, issues themselves.

Hell have the same emotional wounds that you do, or the very ones that
seem to fit perfectly with yours (like the missing pieces of your puzzle).

- If youre always happy, he might go more dark.

- If youre a Chatty Cathy, always talking to everyone, he might be more
quiet.
- If youre super social and outgoing, he might prefer to be home with a book.

(But enough about MY relationship. Kidding err, kinda)

This can make it seem like hes the opposite of you (the old opposites
attract maxim at play), but really hes not hes the
unexpressed/unclaimed parts of you, that you need in order to feel whole.

But this Law of Connection thing goes deeper. And this is where you can
get into trouble.

Under your shared interests and wounds, or complementary ones, is the part
thats REALLY profound.

He will MIRROR back to you the way YOU feel about YOU.

If youre always putting yourself last by over working, and talking down to
yourself so will he.

If youre always abandoning yourself through over giving to others, or

denying your own needs or feelings so will he.

If youre always criticizing yourself or thinking you should be somehow

different than you are so will he.

(Cue the car crashing sound effects right about now)

This can seem like that other tired old adage that we teach people how to
treat us. Hes not treating you this way because he canhes doing so
because YOU are treating YOU this way.

How do I know? Because I see it all the time.

A woman will come to my workshop and spend two days second guessing
herself, having feelings but then talking herself out of them, minimizing her
needs and emotions, giving disclaimers every time she asks a question, and
then over give - letting everyone else have the better chair, bigger pillow,
last piece of pizza
Shell shake her head, and say to the room, I dont know why every man
leaves me.

And shell be totally shocked when I point out to her what weve all
witnessed all weekend long. That shes constantly leaving herself

Now, you might read this and say, But, Carol. Shes a giver. Maybe it makes
her happy to give. Maybe thats not her abandoning herself. Maybe thats
just her being herself.

And I would agree, except for the times where she said things like, I have a
stupid question This probably doesnt make any sense but I know
everyone else probably knows this but I know I shouldnt feel this way
I cant believe I did that with a guy. How could I be so dumb?

Get it?

Everything that came out of her mouth was her disconnecting from herself
somehow.

By continuously dismissing her own needs, wants, and emotions, she keeps
reinforcing the idea (and the VIBES) that everyone else should, too.

If she took herself more seriously, and felt more entitled to BE who she is,
THINK what she thinks, FEEL what she feels AND have that better chair,
bigger pillow, and piece of pizza (okay, she can split it with someone) just
THINK what might start happening!

Shed stop attracting men who dont make her a priority, and who dismiss her
needs, too.
Now, Im sure Freud and Jung and modern psychologists and social scientists
would have all kinds of great things to add to this

But the upshot is, WATCH HOW YOU TREAT YOU.

Watch how you talk to yourself, how you take care of your physical needs,
how you honor your feelings.

And then see what happens oooh, this will get interesting!

BUT WEVE GOT CALMING, HEALING RESOURCES TO SHARE

This is a quickie book, because when youre upset you cant focus,
remember? And now that Im lecturing you about your core life philosophies,
and the misery of how a man treats you may be a reflection of something
deeper inside of you, Ive likely REALLY lost you.

We gotta get back to the point how you can feel BETTER and STRONGER
so you can snap out of this terrible place youre in, and connect more deeply
to yourself.

(Which I hope I just made clear, is more important than connecting to any
man but has the lovely side effect of making them wanna come closer to
you, too! Yes!)

According to ancient Vedic philosophy, youre made up of spiritual,

emotional, and physical bodies. And, not surprisingly, they all work together.

When it comes to a disconnection, its likely they all could use a boost.
So, lets scrape you off the ceiling and get you some emergency intervention
CALMING resources now. There are as many ways to uplift ourselves as
there are disconnected relationships. I welcome you to research your own.

These are a few that have been utterly miraculous in my own life and the
lives of clients.

(And excuse me for being Captain Obvious again none of these are a
substitute for professional medical or psychological advice specific to you
and your situation. These are general suggestions from a lay person with
some anecdotal personal positive results. If you reeeeeally feel bad, and
these tips dont quickly make a positive difference, please bring in someone
in a white coat with framed degrees on their walls. Had to say that!)
1) Herbs
Whether you call them Erbs or use a hard H these medicinal plants work.
I prefer them dried and in tea form (or fresh and in big frozen drink with an
umbrella in it at the luau form ooops, Im confusing this suggestion with my
how to throw a great party bonus book), herbs can either stimulate your
nervous system or calm it down.

Since right now you dont need stimulation, I recommend avoiding caffeine.
(Im a huge black tea addict, and am not proud to confess would step on a
baby for a latte, but when Im anxious, I reach for the herbal teas instead.)

An amazing Ayurvedic remedy for anxiety is a calming tea called Vata Tea.
Amazon has numerous options. It almost feels like its a sedative its that
good. Make a big pot of it, and feel your frazzled neurons start to ease in
mere minutes.
2) Breathe to Prevent Anxiety
Years ago in my early twenties, I got into Multi-Level Marketing scheme,
thinking I could get rich quick. Soon I had a bleeding ulcer and a garage full
of carbon activated water filters I couldnt sell and thousands of dollars in
debt I couldnt fathom how I was going to repay. For the first time in my
young, comfortable life, I was anxious. Really anxious. One night I woke up
and the walls seemed to literally be closing in and my throat felt like it was
closing down.

Yup, an anxiety attack.

I crawled to a therapist who specialized in short term crisis counseling,

helping otherwise normally sane people get out of a tough patch in their
lives. In a few sessions I was my old self, and in a few months Id sold all the
water filters, gotten a second job, and paid back all those loans. Best of all,
the walls never seemed to contract again.
What did she do that worked so well? She taught me a breathing technique
that made it physically impossible to feel anxious! You see, anxiety isnt just
in the brain. It starts in the brain as an emotion (usually fear), that then sends
a signal to the adrenal glands to release adrenalin.

Then we feel a spike in our heart rate, and our blood pressure, which sends a
signal back to our brains that makes our fear increase, requiring we release
more adrenalin.

Pretty soon theres a loop from the brain to the adrenal glands to keep up
their secretions, and telling our adrenal glands to keep stoking our bodies to
engage our brains. In my case, the loop ramped up and up, and pretty soon an
anxiety attack took over. This can make even a small problem seem as
perilous as the front lines of a bloody war zone.

So, to stop this terrible cycle, you gotta break the communication system
between your brain and your adrenal glands.

Heres how to do that:

- Sit in prayer pose, with your palms together over your heart. You can have
your feet on the floor, or your legs can be crossed, Buddha style.
- Tighten your diaphragm (the muscles under your lungs, at the top of your
abdomen).
- Breathe in deeply.
- Exhale, and when you do make a hissing sound for as long as you possibly
can, going Ssssssssssssss like youre a snake in a Harry Potter movie.
- Repeat.
- Repeat for as long as it takes to feel calm.
I dont know the exact science of this, and lets not forget this was a long time
ago (a crazy long time ago!) and by now youve guessed from my medical
disclaimer above that Im no doctor. But the counselor was a doctor, and I
remember her explaining that when you tighten your diaphragm you block
the messages traveling from the adrenal glands to the brain and back

When you sit with your hands in prayer pose it does something with the
electricity of your body causing the energy to circle around and replenish
you.

And the effects of deep breathing are the stuff of legend, but I have no idea
why hissing somehow makes it even more impactful. I just remember that
things became better immediately, and I never had an anxiety attack again,
and I havent since.

(One of the reasons smokers love to smoke is that it makes them feel calmer,
because its also a deep breathing exercise, while at the same causing disease
in the very mechanism its powerfully using! Oh, the irony.)
3)Sleep
One of the quickest ways to impair someone is to deprive them of sleep.
Thats why its often the first form of torture used in war on POWs to get
them to crack and share secrets. Did you catch that? Being deprived of
sleep is a kind of torture

Listen, when the man in your life has pulled away, thats torture enough! But
when were upset, one of the first things to happen is (you already know
where this is going) we cant fall or stay asleep.

No wonder were so exhausted and depressed!

Ever been around a little kid thats lost its favorite toy AND missed nap time?
Thats you in this scenario. So, if youre trying to not be needy or clingy when
a man needs space then youve really gotta get some sleep!
There are a few ways to do so

Again, you can turn to herbs. The herb Valerian Root is famous for being a
sleep aid. You can get it in supplement form, or it also comes as a tea.

If you find you need something a little stronger, Ive had great success with
homeopathic sleep aids, especially Bach Flower Remedies. You can order
Bach Flower Rescue Sleep Melts at Amazon, too. (What did we DO before
Amazon?)

If these mild options arent doing the trick, dont turn to the hard stuff lets
get you to breeeeathe yourself to sleep. Yup, that again.

Theres an amazing, simple, five-step breathing technique that originated in

ancient India that I first heard about from my friend, genius Creativity and
Success Coach, Samantha Bennett. Its endorsed by Andrew Weil, M.D., too,
who calls it a natural tranquilizer for the body and is done in breaths of 4, 7,
and then 8 seconds.

HOW TO DO THE 4:7:8 BREATH TO RELAX OR SLEEP

a. Exhale completely through your mouth, with your tongue pressed against
the back of your front upper teeth
b. Close your mouth and inhale through your nose to a count of four.
c. Hold your breath for a count of seven.
d. Exhale completely through your mouth, with our tongue still pressed to
the back of your front teeth to the count of eight.
e. Inhale again and repeat the cycle three more times for a total of four
breaths.
Its recommended that you do this 4:7:8 breathing twice a day. Its been
found that when done regularly, even longtime insomniacs typically fall
asleep within the four breaths (isnt that amazing?).

If all else fails, Im a huge fan of Subliminal Programming a sound

technology set to soothing music that acts much like hypnosis, putting you
into an altered state, your brain waves so relaxed they actually go below the
level of sleep!

Ive used and recommended the recordings of a woman named Kelly Howell
for years. She has CDs and Mp3s on everything from anxiety, to depression,
to curing insomnia. Shes on Amazon, too, of course, but her full catalog is
readily found on her site at www.brainsync.com.
4)Boost Your Mood
Sometimes life is just too much and we cant seem to make ourselves feel
better, no matter what we try. Exercise, time with friends, hot bubble baths,
cuddling a cat (all my favorites, especially that last one) simply arent enough
if true depression has set in.

Now, to be clear, if youre suffering from Clinical Depression, what Im going

to suggest is not sufficient, and I urge you to seek professional help. (A
therapist friend of mine says that untreated Clinical Depression is every bit
as life threatening as a Diabetic not on insulin whew had to mention
that!)

But if youre having more garden variety Ive got the blues cuz my mans
done me wrong kind of sadness, then you may just need a little summin
summin to pick you up. (No, Im still not recommending frozen drinks with
umbrellas in them. Alcohol is a depressant, after all!)
Amazingly, there are foods - naturally healthy ones that contain serotonin,
the neurotransmitter required to maintain a balanced mood, that when in a
deficit causes depression.

Some foods are high in serotonin, while others help us produce more of it
ourselves (sadly, chocolate does not make these lists, but cheese does!)

According to the Google Gods, Serotonin-rich foods include:

Eggs
Cheese
Pineapples
Tofu
Salmon
Walnuts and Hickory Nuts
Kiwis
Plums
Tomatoes
Turkey (Though some people would find it elevates their mood more to hang
out with a turkey, than eat one)

And foods that assist in raising Serotonin levels (by providing calming B
Vitamins), among other things are:

Cereals
Whole grains
Potatoes
Pork
Liver
Kidney Beans
Chicken
Wheat germ
Bananas
Peanuts
Eggs (again)
Mushrooms
Watermelon
Grapefruit
Shellfish
Dairy products

(Whew, I dont know about you, but this is making me want an omelet, but
please hold the liver. The mere thought is making me depressed, undoing
whatever good the uptick of Serotonin might have provided.)

If youre a Vegan, or a Paleo Diet person who wont eat fruit, or are allergic to
peanuts, shell fish, or dairy products like so many of us theres another way
to get Serotonin and its pleasure inducing cousin, Dopamine.

Yup, through homeopathic sprays and tinctures.

There are several all over the web. Ive experienced great results a couple of
sprays called SerotaFlo and DopaFlo by a company called Apex
Energetics.

You used to be able to just order them through your local health food store,
or (again!) from online sources, such as good old Amazon. But now its
required that a health professional (though it doesnt have to be an M.D.) do
so for you. I get mine from my chiropractor.
5) Affirm Your Stress Away...
My favorite thing to do when Im stressed (besides hug Baby Princess
Motorhead, our Tortoise Shell Tabby cat), is to tell myself an everything is
FINE affirmation over and over.

My favorite Relaxation Inducing Mantra is, God loves me, and everything is
all right.

Think about it this one sentence covers everything anyone could possibly
need covering it says:

There is a God
He loves ME
Everything is all right

Wow.
The word everything INCLUDES everything.

So theres no thing to worry about.

Tell your monkey mind to chew on that for a while.

Now, the thought of a God might make you more stressed than ever. If thats
the case, Id recommend you come up with something else.

Every day in every way Im getting better and better, is a fun one my
college roommate used to say. Then shed look at me with a gleam in her eye
and say, I cant wait for tomorrow!

Why? Id ask, falling for it.

Cuz if every day in every way Im getting better and better, then tomorrow
Ill get better looking!

But I digress

This, too, shall pass is quite famous for reminding us at times of difficulty
that they wont last forever.

Tomorrow is another day, (as said by Scarlett OHara is, too).

If repeating things to yourself over and over only makes you feel all the more
like youre ready for the nut house then I have another suggestion.

(Dont I always?)
The topic of affirmations or mantras brings up an even more foundational
idea that its critical at all times, but especially during painful times, to
WATCH your self-talk and the temptation to catastrophize things.

Is it really the end of the world if that guy doesnt come back?

Is it really so terrible that he had to break plans?

Is it really so upsetting that hes perhaps not available right now?

REALLY?

Oh, how we love drama, dont we?

It makes us feel alive and important and like the star of the epic movie of
our life.

But if you want it to be a sweeping fairy tale, and not a slasher horror film,
you gotta get ahold of yourself.

Visualize what you want now and see the happy, loving outcome you long
for - one in which you are as close and connected with one special man (or
several!) as you desire.

Try to cultivate a connection to something greater than yourself, so you can

have some faith at these times, and not fall for the temporary situation
youre mired in
If not a higher power, than at least a brighter future you want to step into.

Okay, Im starting to get all bossy and finger waggy and thats not gonna
make anyone feel better.

So I think Ill sign off now.

But before I do how are you now?

Better?

Calmer, I hope?

Up from the bottom of that well?

Have you stopped obsessing about him, and put the focus back where
belongs on YOU, and how to make your awesome life even better?

Do you see now that YOU and your connection to YOURSELF is the very
foundation of whether or not a man can connect with you anyway?

Are you excited to get a great nights sleep, and cultivate regular, supportive
thoughts, and have some yummy, happy foods?

Do you feel more hopeful about the future?

If so, then my work here is done. For now

Thank you for letting me share some of my hard-earned resources with you.

Its my sincere with that youve found these simple suggestions helpful. I
truly hope you never need them.

But in case you do, keep this filed away in a folder somewhere (itll be our
little secret!), so youre ready no matter what life or love brings your
way.

- Carol

Carol Allen is a happily married Vedic astrologer and relationship coach whose mission is to
empower women to enjoy truly out of this world love lives. Carols been featured on E!,
Bridezillas, EXTRA, Dr. Drews Lifechangers and in Chicken Soup For The Soul, Womans World,
and Daily Candy, and is the author of Love Is In The Stars The Wise Womans Astrological
Guide To Men.

Her methods are a unique marriage of East and West, combining her training in the
astrology of India with cutting-edge, real-world relationship research.

Whether youre looking for a soulmate, want to deepen an existing relationship, or heal
lifelong love patterns, the answers are literally written in the stars and almost anything
can be made much better with your own right actions once you know the truth and what to
do about it.

Dont wait on fate - discover the awesome power you have to attract, enhance, and sustain
a great love, and make the most of your romantic destiny with Carols free newsletter and
catalog of books (get a free book!), personalized astrology reports, and relationship
programs, here: www.loveisinthestars.com.