Chick Dissection | Its Your Life

Author: J Crowley | 1/5/2007 @ 5:10 am | Filed under:

Dissections
Jack Chick

This aint a Tract for the broken hearted. A silent prayer for faith departed. You
aint gonna be just a guy handing out Christian comics at a college, Im gonna
hear your voice when you rant your fundie knowledge

Its your liiiiiife, and its now or never. Youre not gonna live forever! You just
wanna live while youre alive. Youre heart is like an open highway. Like Jesus
said, you did it your way. You just wanna live while youre alive. Its. Your. Life.

Sorry.

What amuses me about this one is that on the list of Tracts on Chicks site, this is
one of several noted as being Adapted for black audiences. I guess that means
ssh! Pass this one out to the darkies. Is black salvation different from white
salvation? What must, for instance, Mexicans do differently from, say, Inuits in
order to achieve salvation? And how do Asians fit into Gods plan?

Read on to find out! (Hint: Or not!)

This ones about, I dunno, black people being black, doing black things, getting
their black on, blacking it up, and Jesus. Or something like that. For blacks.

Is he inflating her head? Whats going on? It looks like hes playing her skull like a
trumpet.

WHAAA? I think his confusion stems from the fact that hes clutching the wrong
side of his chest, which is, yknow, kind of where a person wouldnt expect to be
having a heart attack.

So, he drops the wine glass straight down in the first frame, yet in the second, it
looks like it ends up about four feet above the head of his fallen corpse, somehow
managing to displace itself approximately nine feet. SURELY THIS IS A MIRACLE
OF GOD. And why wouldnt they have carpeting in their seemingly otherwise very
comfortable room?

Id like to know, by the way, what the aforepictured woman is doing during all of
this.
Regarding the Bible passage in this panel and the previous one: In other words,
dont spend your last night enjoying what little you have left of your life be
miserable instead and spend each moment dreading your inevitable demise!

You know, this is an interesting angle and all, but it just looks like they buried
him with his legs sticking out of the ground. And, I dunno, some rabbit ears or
something.

So wait a second: Only after hes been carted off to the mortuary, embalmed, laid
out in his finest suit, and finally buried in the ground for an indeterminate amount
of time does his soul finally leave his body? What in fuck was it doing all that
time?

What is he, in the ground, on the ground? I dont get it. And why does he have to
be naked, Jack?
Uhh, did we skip a line? The word judgment hasnt been mentioned in any of
the dialog until this point.

Wait, no, seriously, Jack must have taken out a panel. This just doesnt make any
sense at all. Suddenly the guy is standing up and theres an angel there and
instead of being all HOLY WTF ANGEL, he just yelps JUDGMENT? like it had
been brought up in conversation.

Come, you have an appointment. Due to weight restrictions, Im afraid I can

only take your head, right arm, and shoulder.

Im sorry we had to leave most of your body behind. Its just really hard for me
to fly with one big wing on my back and one tiny wing growing out of my left
ear.

(Yes, yes, I know Jack (or, actually, his stand-in illustrator, in this case, I believe)
is trying to do perspective and all, but even so, that wing is way too small, too far
forward, and seems to be growing out of a spot somewhere in the air behind his
head.)
Ive led a really good life! Here, let me rub your shoulders to demonstrate such!
Er, though, wait, how is he doing that with those wings in the way? Somehow
hes standing between the angel and the angels own wings. And hes got a really
stumpy left upper arm.

No, not one! Not even Jesus! Seriously! Fuck the whole lot of you! Filthy, filthy,
filthy! Romans 3:11

Ah, so by Adapted for black audiences, Jack means that he made God slightly
grey.
With Ralph Edwards!

Wait, review? But I thought once you go black, you can never go back. (TIP
YOUR WAITRESS)

The kids not even playing the drum, its just sitting near it and shaking.

So after youre dead, you have to watch your whole life all over again on a movie
screen in space? Gah, how fucking boring. Isnt this just like that really, really
bad trip described in Philip K. Dicks A Scanner Darkly? Your sins will be read to
you ceaselessly, in shifts.

Id imagine the difference is that in hell, you have to watch it over and over and
over and over again forever.
Hey, God here. Yeah, remember that time you got a boner? Well, unfortunately,
because of that, youll be having hot coals shoveled into your rectum while
centipedes run races through your urethra, for the rest of time. Oh, and that
whole finding a woman attractive thing doesnt help your case, either.

Im confused: Im not supposed to want to fuck guys, but Im not supposed to

want to fuck women, either? Should I even ASK if I should be wanting to have
sex at ALL?

UMMM NICE Hes not masturbating he doesnt even look aroused. He looks
taken aback, and angry.

Whoremonger? This guy was a pimp? And since when is whispering considered
a sin? I guess horse whisperers must be ESPECIALLY on Gods shit list.

I tell ya, its a good thing there arent any fundamentalist Christians who exhibit
any of these traits. They make the world such a pleasant and peaceful fuckin
place, huh?
Im beginning to think Jack only really knows about a dozen passages from the
Bible, tops. There are the two vague references to homosexuality, a few about
hell and the devil, one or two particularly prescient ones pertaining specifically to
Dungeons and Dragons, a few about Noahs ark, a few about Genesis (post Peter
Gabriel), and this one, which appears in every single fucking Tract.

If he has this negative an attitude, why is he even bothering to go? Ah, right, so
that Jack can claim that the guy was, in fact, informed about Jesus. Because
fundies seem to have trouble arguing why God can justifiably send a person to
hell whos never even really heard of the whole Jesus salvation thing, so they
tend to avoid the topic entirely. GOD IS LOVE.
Wait, Gods white again. What happened to his grey tone from a few panels back?
Guess Jack is (or his readers are) just a little uncomfortable having a black man
demonstrating authority, or something. I wonder if the missing panel earlier on
was something that was whitewashed as well.

Nobodys name appears from the look of it, that book is blank.

Get in the box.

Ooh, I like their muscle-tissue-patterned wallpaper.

Hrm, I think its still technically life eternal, even if youre being tortured
throughout all of it. I mean, youre continuing to exist in one form or another,
even if youre having your anus raked with molten sporks.

Hold on do only the sinful things you do before you die count? I mean, if you
jerked off to internet porn in heaven, would you get kicked out? If so, what in
fuck is the point of this whole judgment process, then? If not, why not? What
makes pre-death sins so important? And if you cant jerk off in heaven, is it really
paradise?
Oof, and the genitals are the first thing to hit the flame. Ouch.

So, based on their little film reel, all this guy did in his life was tell dirty stories,
be attracted to a woman on TV, ignore a priest, and vibrate while sitting next to a
drum. Now, even if those were the only things he ever did, and he never did
anything kind or nice or thoughtful or selfless for anyone else, why do his actions
bear the consequence of eternal torture? I mean, man, God is really going
overboard with this whole love thing, huh?

Totally ripped off from the movie Clue. I can even hear the music playing over it.

Thats how it could have happened

But what about this?

I guess what this passage from the Bible is saying is that God created people to
be incredibly stupid, self-centered, insatiably horny, and easily affected by the
world around them, down to the most trivial of experiences, and its some kind of
arbitrary game they all have to play to find their way back to him like lost idiot
sheep he scattered far away from himself and confused with an illusory world.
What the fuck is WRONG with this guy? And how come I always get arrested
when I try to do the exact same thing with children in my basement?

Jesus said, verily, verily, verily, verily, life is but a dream. John 3:3

So the key to redemption is to be a gullible moron wholl believe anything anyone

tells them about some system of arbitrary protocols that exist outside the range
of human observation.

Oh, and by the way, which part, exactly, of the Bible do you believe? The one
part, or the part that contradicts the first one, or the other part that contradicts
and is contradicted by both of those? Or the other parts that all do the same
things to each other? I mean, if you believe it all equally and fractally, youve got
to be one confused motherfucker.

DO MORE MUNDANE TASKS! CONTINUE TO BE INCREDIBLY BORING! MORE

EMPTY SYMBOLISM! HUAGAULGUALUALGUALUAUL! Sayeth the Lord.
You know, I, too, got on my knees and asked God what he wanted me to do. He
said MORE CHICK DISSECTIONS. So there. He also said he was going to give
me a pony and a Chevy Nova.

By fine, of course, sir, I mean very thin. Hes the perfect man to take over
running wires through the walls!

What the hell is he clutching at now? Is he having a thyroid explosion or

something? What the fuck? Maybe hes giving birth to some kind of trachea-
parasite alien. The striking chest effect does, after all, make it look like theres a
large bulge forming under his hand, like somethings about to pop out.

WELL DONE! A WINNAR IS U! U WON LIFE! LOLZ! ENTER UR INITIALS! 1

Corinthians 13:37

Gods black again. I havent quite figured out the pattern on that one. Whatever.

As Janet points out: WELL DONE, THOU GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT! Way
to go, Uncle Tom! Yeah, a Tract that praises servitude is something thats really
going to appeal to black people.

Yeah, standard Chick fucknuttery. The thing about this one is that I really dont
understand why he had to specifically note that this was for black audiences.
Why couldnt he have just had this one be about this black guy and his life and
death without any specific mention of target race? There have been plenty of
people of various races and ethnicities in his other Tracts, and he hasnt made
special mention of it as targeting some specific group or groups. And why was
God seemingly of darker complexion from a distance, but white up close?

Anyway, if it turns out God exists, and hes so fucking petty that he plays a movie
of my entire life, nit-picking every little pedantic trifle like an obsessive ex who
secretly tapes and then transcribes all of your conversations to throw in your face
in the event of your breakup, Im just going to politely ask him to stop the tape
so that I can dive off the cliff into hell without any further ado. Sheesh.

Until next time. (Hopefully next week.)

Jabberwock

Comments (32)

32 Responses to Chick Dissection | Its Your Life

1. Paul Litterick Says:

January 5th, 2007 at 7:42 am

This is just a blacked up version of Chicks original Its Your Life. I never realised
Chick was so multicultural. Even the angel is black.

Great site, by the way.

2. Kat Says:
January 5th, 2007 at 12:54 pm

Wowwhy did the first panel look like it was from another time period?

I am so glad I found you site

3. Field Marshall Stack Says:
January 5th, 2007 at 1:50 pm

I dont know what to think of the whole white people get white angels, black
people get black angels convention. It sort of almost implies that in Chicks
theology, theres a separate Black Heaven.
 4. sykodoughboy Says:
January 5th, 2007 at 2:46 pm

ok in panel 14 he claims hes a teenager on the film-o-life but it looks like hes
35-40 years old WTF, and i think that Chick thinks heaven is still stuck in the 50s
pre-Rosa Parks where everythings segregated they get (refering to another
dissection) their own personal jesus, god and angels.
5. Craig Says:
January 5th, 2007 at 7:56 pm

Welcome fucking back, man! Youve been gone so long I was emotionally bereft. I
tried dissecting my own Chick tracts, but it just wasnt the same.
6. Jabberwock Says:
January 5th, 2007 at 10:33 pm

Hah, sorry about that. Went through a busy spell on top of a lazy spell and then
went on vacation for the holidays. Things will hopefully be back and running
pretty regularly again. Im not going to make any promises, but Im hoping to pull
off a Chick Dissection a week, or every 1.5 weeks or so.

Flattering that I was missed. Thanks! And thanks for continuing to read.
7. wattly Says:
January 6th, 2007 at 12:16 am

Hah, sorry about that. Went through a busy spell on top of a lazy spell and then
went on vacation for the holidays.

And then he realized his wicked ways and repented, accepting Chick into his heart
cross hairs once again.
8. Vlad Shadeu Says:
January 8th, 2007 at 1:04 am

liked it started cackling in stitches like i always tend to do when something is

over normal funny, but thaats both good and normal.

i first discovered chick was an idiot in dark dungeons but now i laugh at his lousy
artwor and terrible, unstudied plotline on any dissection.

i think jack will be rather surprised when He looks into the boook of life and
discovers his name AINT IN IT!

i think hes racist.

9. madpuppy Says:
January 8th, 2007 at 10:11 am
It sort of almost implies that in Chicks theology, theres a separate Black
Heaven.

Unfortunately, I think in Chicks theology, if you have to spend eternity with any
of the darker races, it really cant be called Heaven.
10. Ryan Says:
January 16th, 2007 at 10:08 pm

I know Chick started adapting his tracts recently, and for the life of me I dont
know why. His latest one didnt even change the name of the Star. So let me
get this straight; the same cleaning lady happened to lead two seperate actors
named Douglas Ford to Christ in exactly the same way? Incredible!

Good to see youve started doing these dissections again, BTW. I love em!
11. Saritasoji Says:
January 22nd, 2007 at 7:55 pm

On the why God changes colour when far away and up close, I got the answer!
Maybe you have seen those stickers with the funky cartoon character that
changes position depending on which angle you see it? I believe its the same
concept.

And, the joy of being with God is moving from one side to the other, trying to find
the angle were both black and white are seen together What? Its not like they
said heaven would be all about four-foot trophies and hand-jobs.
12. seb anthony Says:
January 29th, 2007 at 12:25 pm

it seems god doesnt lift him from the grave so much as propel him with explosive
diahrea (panel#4)
13. John Chance Says:
February 15th, 2007 at 2:39 pm

You are getting way to sacrcastic on this one.

But yes, Chick-and other Fundies-know only a few scripture quotes-mostly taken
out of context and pieced together.

Most claim to read the Bible, more like a dozen, out there and in space vacuum
14. Djur Says:
February 25th, 2007 at 1:07 am

But yes, Chick-and other Fundies-know only a few scripture quotes-mostly taken
out of context and pieced together.
Its such a pity that they pick and choose which parts of the turd theyd like to
eat, when everyone knows that you have to eat the whole pile of shit to really let
the Lord into your heart.
15. LemonMango Says:
March 3rd, 2007 at 5:56 pm

On page 13 were the guy is wondering about the game in church made me think
of a quote from Homer Simpson. There was that episode where he decided to
stop going to church and then he started talking to God and asked him Why
should I sit through an hour of church each Sunday to be told how Im going to
go to Hell?

And its funny how being disobedient to your parents is presented as being so
shameful to God (page 12). Its a part of growing up for petes sake, every kid
does it.
16. DJ Says:
May 9th, 2007 at 8:20 pm

Anyone else reminded of the game Altered Beast witht the Arise! panel?

and anyone check out the people in the background of the eulogy scene
(particularly the guy with the huge afro)?
17. Felis Says:
June 1st, 2007 at 11:07 am

THIS IS j00R LIFE!!!!!!!OMGLOLZ1111111onehundred!

WE HAVE 2 GET TEH LITTLE RED BOOK OUT LOLZ!!!!!cheese

That black dude is fucking rolling in it. Is he supposed to be George Foreman? If

not, who? He looks like a stretched version of Gary Coleman in the first panel.

Whos the guy supposed to be looking at on the tv screen? Tatyana Ali? Seems
Chick-boy has more racist stereotypes than we imagined. He seems to assume all
black people like Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Speaking of that, the angel looks like an
older version of Will Smith.

Now what the feck is the look on Foremans/Colemans face supposed to be? Hes
sweating. That looks liek the sort of expression characters have when theyre
suddenly suprised.
He soesnt look suddenly suprised-hes known about hell for a long while by now.

Personally, Id expect to see a large stream of brown vapour arching over the cliff
edge and coming from his ass where hes just shat himself with fear and it all
then evaporated.
18. Felis Says:
June 1st, 2007 at 11:08 am
Meaning evaporated in the fires of hell.
19. ericmushroomwilson Says:
June 9th, 2007 at 1:55 pm

WELL DONE! A WINNAR IS U! U WON LIFE! LOLZ! ENTER UR INITIALS! 1

Corinthians 13:37

That was hilarious. Chick Tracts are already funny enough (unintentionally
(presumably)) funny enough on their own, but your commentary just makes
them funnier. Keep up the good work!

Also, I think this ones kind of racist in a way. I mean, what, does he think black
people cant relate to anything unless everybody in it is black?

And theres the whole blah blah blah thinking about sex and telling dirty jokes is
a sin worthy of eternal torment blah blah yackity smackity thing going on in this
one, too. Jesus, God is harsh. Am I going to go to hell for telling a dirty limerick
or something? What a jerk.
20. ericmushroomwilson Says:
June 9th, 2007 at 1:56 pm

How do you do that quote thing?

21. Jabberwock Says:
June 9th, 2007 at 6:42 pm

<blockquote> </blockquote> around whatever you want to quote.

Youre right, separating black understanding from white understanding is

rather a racist sentiment. Hes actually going through and redoing a bunch of his
Tracts as modified for blacks, for some reason. I cant quite figure out why.

Anyway, thanks, glad you found it funny.

22. ericmushroomwilson Says:
June 11th, 2007 at 8:14 pm

Hes actually going through and redoing a bunch of his Tracts as modified for
blacks, for some reason. I cant quite figure out why.

Hes probably doing it to try and convince people hes not racist after he said
something racist or something.
23. Walter Lovecraft Says:
June 26th, 2007 at 7:42 pm

Wait, when was the Grim Reaper a part of Christian theology? I thought it just
kind ofhappened, pretty much independent of religion, just because of how
people cut withered crops. I think this is the only time the Reaper is ever
portrayed in a tract.
24. Cacaoatl Says:
August 7th, 2007 at 1:07 am

Did anyone else notice that in the opening panels the main character is dressed
like a king of some pre-industrial African nation? The rest of the time (when hes
not naked)he is dressed like some sweaty slob? And where in the Bible is shaking
near a drum described as a sin?
25. Nazne Says:
August 16th, 2007 at 1:39 pm

Uhdude. God is Lord Voldemort. That explains the really, really white (but well-
outlined) face, his baldness, and lack of facial hair or a nose. And why he hates
muggles like us.
26. Technomad Says:
September 29th, 2007 at 11:18 pm

As I understand it, these were originally intended for people in English-speaking

black countries (Jamaica and some parts of Africa, for example.) Missionaries
have reported that not presenting Christianity as white makes their work easier.

Keep on dissectingjust wanted to get that straight.

27. joeengland Says:
December 26th, 2007 at 12:41 am

Whats the point of reviewing a whole life if just doing the acceptance ritual is the
only important thing?? They didnt show that missionary couple getting their life
reviewed. I guess Chicks God knew hed have to sit through seeing a whole
bunch of redeeming, beautiful acts of kindness, and he really doesnt give a shit
about that stuff. He just wants to rub your nose in it if youve sinned all your life.
28. JuuuuuliA Says:
August 7th, 2008 at 2:33 pm

haaaaaaaaaaaa. i have this tract in spanish. and everyones white.

29. Laura Says:
August 12th, 2008 at 9:15 pm

I acknowledge Jesus Christ as my Lord and personal savior

Hey, the names Christ. Jesus Christ. Call me JC. Lost? Yeah. You look lost. Im a
personal savior. $40 an hour, but tell you what, I like you. Make it $20. Heres
my card.
30. Fenris Says:
October 23rd, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Not surprising. This is an adaptation of his first tract This was your life! (Some
cultures can only speak in present tense, of course.) This tract exists in 65
languages, with facial alterations for respective races.
31. Fenris Says:
July 16th, 2009 at 6:10 pm

Page 1: Okay, Jack, time for scrutiny by a graphic designer: it generally helps to
finish your drawings before publishing them. Either shade the rest of the picture,
or leave it at line art.

Page 2: Thanatos. Jack Chick not believes in Thanatos but he believes Thanatos
wears what appears to be a burlap sack on his head.

Page 4: I estimate that projectile shit weighs 12.2 Courics. No wonder hes
wearing that expression; hell probably be leaving his ass back on earth like a
launchpad.

Page 5: Tell meis my deodorant still working?

Page 10: Because sitting naked in front of a drum and vibrating is sinful! SINFUL!

Page 19: No kidding. Muscle-fiber wallpaper mustve been in vogue in 2006.

32. Stacy Says:
September 13th, 2009 at 5:10 am

Actually, look close. Not /all/ of the characters there are black. Panel 21 (I think,
the one right before the second version of the death scene thats showing all the
mundane life stuff). The guy whos calling him one of our best workers is white

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