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PUBLISHED BY
ELDRIDGE PUBLISHING COMPANY
www.histage.com
2003 by Pat Cook
Premiere Performance
You Cant Beat the House by Pat Cook was first produced
on July 11, 2003, at the Festival Playhouse in Historic Olde
Town, Arvada, Colorado. It was directed by Charles Joseph
Ault with the following cast:
Merle - Charles J. Ault
Howie - Jim Hoover
Conrad Spears - John Kubin
Glenda Spears - Shelli Marks
Courtney Parfait - Juli Guyer
Officer Larraby - Arran Lappin
Lillian - Kristine Segura
Madame Zenobia - Donna Sweet Ault
Brittany Marie - Kimberly Horne
Fern Larraby - Jude Anderl
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(4 m, 6 w)
SETTING
PROPS
ACT I
(AT RISE: No one is in the room. After a slight pause,
MERLE looks cautiously in through the SR door. After
casing the joint, he enters on tiptoe, carrying a large
canvas bag. He then looks out the SR door.)
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HOWIE: Aw shoot, Merle, you always take such pride in
your work, I just couldnt bring myself to interrupt you.
MERLE: (Proud.) Thank you, Howie. (Hand on his
shoulder.) Nice to see that my artistry isnt wasted on
(Just then the front door opens and CONRAD and GLENDA
enter.)
MERLE: Where?!
COURTNEY: I mean does she like the house? Say, where
is she, anyway?
MERLE: Oh, well, thats the thing, see. This house isnt
really for us.
COURTNEY: But you just got here; you said so yourself.
CONRAD: Windows?
MERLE: No.
GLENDA: Walls.
MERLE: No.
CONRAD: Security system?
MERLE: Thats it. Saaay, you are a shrewd buyer, arent
you?
GLENDA: Well, he scared me, is what he did!
MERLE: I am so sorry.
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house!
CONRAD: I am not going though this again. Lets go!
GLENDA: But wont you even listen?
CONRAD: Im starting the car right now! (HE exits out the
SL door.)
For Review Only
MERLE: (Yells after CONRAD.) And well be right there!
(HE moves to HOWIE.) Lets go out the back.
HOWIE: (Watching GLENDA.) Just a second.
MERLE: Not a moment to lose, Mrs. Spears. Its a
sumptuous house; wont be on the market long. I know
youll just love it. (HE exits out the SR door.)
MERLE: Identification?
LARRABY: Yes. (HE looks out the door and nods.) Get in
here!
GLENDA: Only when you act like that. Besides, you know
how much shes wanted to find a genuine haunted house
to investigate.
LARRABY: Dowhat? Whad she say? Dowhat?
GLENDA: This house. Its haunted.
LARRABY: (Backs up a few steps.) It IS? (HE puts his
hand on his gun and looks around.)
GLENDA: (To CONRAD.) And what are you so worried
about?
CONRAD: Im worried about us buying a house and having
your mother live with us and its the same thing as what
we have now!
LARRABY: (To MERLE.) You got any houses that aint
haunted?
MERLE: No, we have a ghost installed in all our properties.
Some people want more closet space, some want a
headless horseman. You go with the market.
LARRABY: (Still looking around.) Ask a silly question ....
HOWIE: If I may interject a tad, just how DO you investigate
a haunted house?
LARRABY: Yeah, Id kinda like to hear this myself.
CONRAD: You dont want to know. (HE moves to the
couch and sits sullenly.)
GLENDA: Oh, there are many ways to investigate, detect
and, if necessary, exorcise spirits. And there are many
types of spirits as well. Theres poltergeists, theres full
apparitions, theres roaming entities -
LARRABY: Well, I swan.
MERLE: Speaking of which, and not that Im trying to tell
you your duties, shouldnt you be out patrolling the area?
LARRABY: Huh? Oh, yeah, I guess I better. (HE moves to
the front door with MERLE.) The last thing we need is for
someone to turn in a missing person report on a missing
policeman. (HE laughs broadly at his own joke. MERLE
joins in briefly.)
HOWIE: (To CONRAD.) Now, ghost-hunting, that sure
sounds like something a couple could do together.
CONRAD: Right. If it was only a couple!
HOWIE: Hmm .
LARRABY: (Opens the door and turns.) Oh, one other
thing. Theres a flyer out right now about a couple of
suspicious characters.
MERLE: Huh?! A couple of sus-
LARRABY: I dont remember just now much about them, but
you keep your eyes out for any odd goings-on around
here. Any weird characters show up, you give me a buzz
on the horn.
MERLE: Youve seen everybody weve seen.
LARRABY: And whos to say whats odd these days, right?
(HE smiles.) Ghosts! (HE stops smiling and looks out.
He draws his gun and exits. MERLE closes the door.)
MERLE: (Quickly to HOWIE.) Were going to have to move!
HOWIE: (Sprints over to MERLE.) I got an idea!
MERLE: We havent had this many eye-witnesses since that
time we woke up in a store window.
HOWIE: Was that a party or what?
MERLE: Idea?
HOWIE: Oh yeah. Listen, you work on the husband and Ill
work on the wife.
MERLE: What?
HOWIE: I know we can do this. Find out whats eating them
and then we smooze them back together.
MERLE: Maybe they have too many people butting into their
lives.
HOWIE: Follow my lead!
MERLE: Wait!
HOWIE: (To the OTHERS.) As I was saying, you two have
so much in common.
CONRAD: You were saying that?
GLENDA: We do?
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(The front door opens and LILLIAN enters.)
CONRAD: Oops, thats me. (HE pulls a cell phone from his
jacket and opens it.) Hello?
LILLIAN: Something?
GLENDA: Mom! We got moaning in the living room!
LILLIAN: I knew it. (SHE moves around the room.) This
room! This is the heart!
MERLE: (To HOWIE.) You want to let go of me now?
HOWIE: Ill take it under advisement. (MERLE extricates
himself from HOWIES grasp.)
CONRAD: So, the house is creaking a little.
GLENDA: You just wont believe in anything, will you?
CONRAD: Glenda, I believe in us. Doesnt that count for
anything?
GLENDA: (To LILLIAN.) Oh, listen to him! And just after he
called me a liar!
LILLIAN: Men! (CONRAD shakes his head and sits on the
couch again.) Sounds just like your father used to.
GLENDA: Now, Mom, Dad did put up with a lot. Before, you
know, he lost his mind.
MERLE: (Swallowing.) He lost his mind?! (To HOWIE.)
These are the people you want to help?
LILLIAN: He didnt lose his mind! We just sort of had to
commit him.
CONRAD: Sort of! He thought he was a vacuum cleaner!
HOWIE: Well, it couldve been worse.
CONRAD: Yeah? You didnt have to smell his breath!
GLENDA: So, hes in a rest home.
LILLIAN: I still say hes pretending.
CONRAD: Wonder why?
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next plan of action. (To MERLE.) You! Window climber.
MERLE: In the flesh. (HE looks around.) Apparently, one
of the few here who can say that.
ZENOBIA: Is this the kitchen?
CONRAD: Why dont you ask a spirit?
For Review Only
GLENDA: (Sits next to CONRAD.) Hon, if you cant say
something nice about someone, dont say anything at all.
CONRAD: What difference does it make what I say?
Theyre dead, arent they?
LILLIAN: Yes, but we dont want to hurt their feelings. (To
ZENOBIA.) Lets just say theyre post-alive.
MERLE: Sounds like a mailbox for spooks.
(Just then LILLIAN and GLENDA bolt out the UPS door and
slam it behind them.)
LILLIAN: Yeah.
ZENOBIA: Now, they want us to stick around!
End of Act I
ACT II
(AT RISE: It is a few minutes later. CONRAD and
BRITTANY are now sitting at the dinette, going through
some papers. GLENDA is standing next to CONRAD.
LILLIAN is DSL next to ZENOBIA, who is rubbing her
temples with her fingers. Sitting on the couch is LARRABY
and MERLE. As the LIGHTS come up, everyone is
speaking at once.)
LARRABY: (Hand also up.) And I had the bagel with peanut
butter! (MERLE looks at HIM.) You know, I always
wondered; how can you tell when a bagel gets old? I
mean, theyre already hard.
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HOWIE: Madame Zenobia?
BRITTANY: (To CONRAD.) Why dont we send in the
contract and say the final version will follow?
CONRAD: Youll have to type that one.
BRITTANY: (Realizes.) Oh, yeah.
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ZENOBIA: What do you have?
HOWIE: Pimento, tuna and one bagel with peanut butter.
Thats spoken for.
ZENOBIA: The cop, right?
(HOWIE exits into the kitchen with the tray and sandwiches.)
HOWIE: I can feel the spirit! (HE clutches his throat.) Its
taken over my entire body! It It (HE falls to the
floor)Oh!
FERN: I had a cat that used to act like that.
LARRABY: Mom, you have seventeen cats; sooner or later
one of them is bound to go off.
ZENOBIA: (Moves to HOWIE.) Hello? (SHE looks down at
HIM.) Can you hear me? I am speaking to the angry
spirit; can you hear me?
LILLIAN: Talk louder.
BRITTANY: (Wide-eyed.) Yeah, it may be long distance.
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for which we all yearn.
CONRAD: Wait a minute here - (HE jumps to his feet.)
HOWIE: You are life itself. You are romance. You are
passion and compassion. You are love and in love.
CONRAD: I think this has gone on far enough! I cant
For Review Only
believe -
HOWIE: (Turns to CONRAD.) Do you deny it?
CONRAD: Well, no.
HOWIE: That you love this woman deeply.
CONRAD: Of course!
GLENDA: You do?
CONRAD: Hon, you know I do!
GLENDA: Its awfully nice to hear, though.
FERN: Hes coming for me! The spook is coming for me!
ZENOBIA: What?
LARRABY: Mom, I dont think -
FERN: Keep it away! Keep it - (Hic.) Make it - (Hic.) Oh!
(SHE suddenly has an attack of hiccups.)
LILLIAN: What is the matter with the woman?
LARRABY: Its those hiccups again; she gets them
whenever she gets excited. (HE kneels next to FERN.)
CONRAD: Hon, I am so sorry about all the arguing.
GLENDA: Me, too.
FERN: Ill be (Hic.) all right! (Hic.) Oh, me! (Hic.)
LILLIAN: Cant you do something?
CONRAD: Its just all this stuff about ghosts and spirits I
dont buy.
GLENDA: But, hon, you dont know everything?
CONRAD: No, but this is a lot of hooey!
GLENDA: (Turns away.) And here we go again!
HOWIE: (Sees this.) No!
LARRABY: Mom! Take it easy!
FERN: Im (Hic.) trying! (Hic.)
LARRABY: (Gets to HIS feet.) Only one thing will work. We
need to put a bag over her head. She breathes into that
and it stops em every time! (HE rushes to the kitchen.)
There must be one in here! (HE exits out the kitchen
door.)
GLENDA: You just cant leave well enough alone.
MERLE: What?
CONRAD: What do you mean, for the sake of the baby?
You dont think that Glenda is (HE turns to GLENDA,
who is now watching him.) Hon? Youre not I mean,
are you are you ...? (Slowly, GLENDA nods.) You
are?!
LILLIAN: (To HOWIE.) Wow! You do have the power!
CONRAD: And youll be - (HE lifts HER off her feet and
swings her in a circle.) This is wonderful!
LILLIAN: Youre going to be a mother? That means Ill be a
grand a gra eeeyyeee (SHE looks down at
FERN.) Move over! (SHE shoves FERN over and flops
on the couch.)
GLENDA: Careful, hon. Youre swinging two of us, you
know.
CONRAD: Oh. Oh! (HE gingerly places HER down.) What
am I doing?! This is so great! Is it a boy? Or a girl?
GLENDA: Yes.
ZENOBIA: (To HOWIE.) How did you do that?
MERLE: (After a beat.) Howie?
HOWIE: I see I see we will meet a stranger who will
bring us tidings
ZENOBIA: Oh, thats good; thats just vague enough to
mean anything.
FERN: (To LILLIAN.) Whats with you?
LILLIAN: I see this bright light at the end of this looonng
tunnel.
FERN: You want to try this? (SHE holds up the bag.)
CONRAD: You need to sit down! Get off your feet!
GLENDA: (Almost laughing.) Im fine, hon, really! (SHE
hugs HIM and they kiss.)
CONRAD: This is the best news Ive had in a long time.
BRITTANY: (Moves to CONRAD.) Oh, he says that all the
time. He said that when I told him I was being moved to
another department.
GLENDA: You are? (SHE looks back at CONRAD.) She
is?
CONRAD: (Nods.) Mr. Blakes idea.
MERLE: You going to tell us or not?
HOWIE: I see I see you giving your partner much more
respect in the future.
ZENOBIA: Ah, now hes padding his part.
MERLE: Uh huh.
GLENDA: (To BRITTANY.) Well, I hope youre happy in
your new post, Miss Marie.
CONRAD: Hon? Thats not really her last name.
FERN: Milo, you just got a call from the station house.
LARRABY: What? What did they say?
FERN: (Moving to LARRABY.) Something about they
caught those two they were looking for.
MERLE & HOWIE: They did?
FERN: Got them on counterfeiting and several other things.
They wanted to know how you knew this was their house.
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will be provided to you by the state.
LARRABY: Thats the stuff. (HE ushers COURTNEY to the
front door, followed by FERN.) Lets get you downtown
where we can book you.
CONRAD: Wow, we may get on the news tonight.
For Review Only
BRITTANY: Again?!
(GLENDA and CONRAD hug and exit out the front door.)
END OF PLAY