Hi Audrey,

1. Introduction: Try to start your story with a dialogue only if you can come up with
something unique.
It would be better to start your introduction with an action or sensory detail instead!
E.g. It was five minutes past our next lesson, and the merciless clock was still ticking. We
picked up our footsteps as we scurried through the hallway, in a bid to race with time.
(notice how this entire sentence is an action. You start the story with your main character in
the midst of an action, this would capture the readers attention.)

2. You should show not tell the moment by adding more sensory details (especially
sight and sound) to paint a clearer picture in readers minds. (I noticed that you like
to use I to start your sentences. I heard/I hid/We chatted) This is telling instead
of showing the reader.
Instead of I heard someones voice you can try
E.g. A thunderous voice filled the hallway (the use of the adjective thunderous will tell the
reader that this voice is very loud. In a way, this is how you add sensory details to your
story.)

3. Same thing here, instead of the sound of the tearing of clothes, you should expand
it and add more sensory details.
E.g. As Donald bent down to retrieve his tie, the sharp ripping sound of his clothes tearing
struck the silence (Again, the use of the adjective, sharp and the verb ripping helps to add
sensory details to your story)

4. Adding Simile. Instead of Donald then bolted away, faster than a cheetah, you
could use this opportunity to add a literary device Simile.
E.g. Donald then bolted away, as fast as a cheetah
Hi Yan Rong,

1. Introduction: I like that you started with an action, but the action must make sense
and flow with the rest of the introduction. The major problem here is sentence
structure.
I would prefer that you remove the word As. In this sentence : As Weasley trudged
into the school, the students went into their respective cliques, it makes it seems as
if Weasley caused the students to move into their cliques, which Im sure is not what
you intended to write. Instead you can try this.
E.g. While Weasley trudged to school alone with his head hanging down, the rest of the
students gathered together in their respective cliques. One of which is Barren and his gang.
They dominated the school with their sturdy and overbearing presence.
Body Language: Notice how I added in body language of Weasley to paint him as a
shy and timid individual and there is a contrast with the body language of Barren and
his gang.

2. Like above, there are a few problems with sentence structure. Instead of, Weasley
had been oblivious that this was his territory. But Weasley had ignored him and
continued. It would be better to write
E.g. Even though Weasley had been oblivious that this was his territory, he ignored him and
continued to enter.
Also, the sentence By this instance does not exist. Instead you should write
E.g. Upon seeing this,.

3. You use a lot of precise verbs and adjectives, and also some simile. Thats good!
You can take it a step further and add in Body language of character (as above) or
even interior sensations of the character.
E.g. Barren felt his face flush red and hot from embarrassment.
Hi Shang,

1. Your use of adjectives and verbs and even the use of symbol of the prefect tie is
great! Now to take it a step further, you could expand on this part He bent down
to pick it up, but his trousers split into half. Try to show not tell this event. Add
in sensory details.(sight, smell, sound,etc.) You need to imagine the scene in
your head and paint a vivid picture of how this is going to happen. Add in precise
adjectives and verbs to do so.
E.g. He immediately bent down to pick it up, but a resounding ripping sound pierced through
the room. Trump felt an exceptional gust of cold wind pass through his bottom. He reached
out to feel the bottom of his pants and the fabric just between his butt cheeks was missing,
the seam of his trousers split into two!

2. Next we can Show not tell the characters emotions. Instead of just telling that
His face turned from pride to fear and embarrassment, try to use for example,
interior sensation (your 5 senses) to show the reader exactly how Trump feels.
E.g. Trump felt his face flush red and hot from embarrassment.

3. Instead of He turned from bully of the school to the bullied by the school
(wrong sentence structure)
E.g. He turned from being the bully of the school, to becoming the joke of the entire school.
Hi Grace,

1. Sentence structures: Quite a few problems with sentence structures. For example,
He and his gang had always humiliated me as I had gestures like girls. Gestures like
girls is not a proper sentence. If you have difficulty linking the sentence, always split
them up. A better way to put it would be,
E.g. Having feminine traits made me an easy target for Ben and his gang. They would always
seize the chance to humiliate me.
Other problems with sentence structures: I had no choice as I was so urgent that I
entered the girls toilet. Split the sentence up.
E.g. I felt as though my bladder was about to burst. I needed to use the toilet immediately!
Given no choice, I entered the girls toilet.

2. You should show not tell the characters emotions (I noticed that you like to use I
to start your sentences. I tried, I was, I had) This is telling instead of showing the
reader. Instead of I tried to run through Ben and his gang but they immediately
closed up the gaps you can try writing about the characters inner sensation to
expand on how he felt at that point of time.
E.g. My heart throbbed loudly and my mind was in a whirl. My legs immediately kicked off as
I tried to flee the scene. At that instant, Ben and his gang swiftly proceeded to close the
gaps, preventing me from escaping.

3. Show not tell the moment by using sensory details. (sight, smell, touch, sound etc.)
He bent down to pick the tie up and guess what, his trousers split. You are telling
the reader what happened instead of showing it. Instead you should try to add in
sensory details to show the moment! Paint a vivid picture in readers minds. Add in
precise adjectives and verbs.
E.g. He immediately bent down to pick it up, but a resounding ripping sound pierced through
the room. Trump felt an exceptional gust of cold wind pass through his bottom. He reached
out to feel the bottom of his pants and the fabric just between his butt cheeks was missing,
the seam of his trousers split into two!
Hi Alexandra,

1. Story structure: Every story has to have a beginning, middle and an end. So split your
story into minimum three paragraphs. This is so that the reader can follow the flow
of the story better. I see that you do have three paragraphs in your story, but each
part must have a purpose. For example, the first paragraph needs to be introduction
of the story. Your 5W1H needs to be mentioned.
Your middle paragraph/part of the story has to have a climax (most eventful part of
the story)
The conclusion should link back to the topic, the lesson learnt. (Your conclusion does
not have that, please link it back to the topic of arrogance.)
E.g. He learnt the hard way never to be arrogant.
Try not to use Firstly, Secondly, as you are telling the reader what happens in the
story and not showing. To show what is happening in that moment, use sensory
details to show the reader, add in precise verbs and adjectives to paint a vivid
picture in the readers minds. Use your 5 senses as well.
E.g. The toilet was dead silent, Trump stealthily peeped into the toilet and his keen eyes
surveyed the surroundings. Upon confirming that there was no one in sight, he stood upright
and guarded the door like a watchdog. This was his territory.

2. Dialogue : This is one of the bigger problems for you. Please do not use dialogue to
write your whole essay. Use dialogue only when you want to show, for example, the
way a particular character behaves or if it serves other important purpose you want
to convey in your story.
E.g. I am a prefect, so you need to listen to me! Trump declared, as he flaunted his tie in
front of Ben.
Notice how through this dialogue, the reader is able to see how boastful Trump is as
a person.

3. Furthermore, who is this man? if you are going to use this character for the rest of
the story and there is going to be a conflict (clash) between both of them its better
to introduce the character at the start.

4. Your sentences are very long. You need to put proper punctuations like commas, full
stop etc.
E.g. As the man tried to reach for his tie, Trump accidentally dropped his tie on the floor. He
immediately reached down for it. As he got up, a resounding ripping sound pierced through
the room. He had split his pants!

5. Said is a baby word, use other words to replace it!

Hi Summer,

1. Sentence structure: I can see the attempts to use precise adjectives and verbs to
describe events. Good! However, some sentences are not used correctly. For
example, Jadens silky, indigo tie was brandishing. Is incorrect. Brandishing is a
verb, an action. You should use it as a verb instead.
E.g. Jaden brandished his silky, indigo tie.
Yet, it did not look good of its worth on him is not the correct way to structure your
sentence. Instead you should highlight (make clearer) the difference between the tie and
Jaden.
E.g. Yet, the elegance and nobleness of the prefect tie was not fitting for the proud and
conceited (arrogant) Jaden.
Soon it was my turn to be dominated at is not correct sentence structure as well. I
suggest you write it this way. Notice how I used precise verbs and adjectives to paint a
picture of this scene to the reader. I also added in facial expressions of the character to
show the reader how he felt at that point of time.
E.g. Jaden was slowly inching towards me, and his eyes were set on me. I was next in line! I
rolled my eyes in resentment and anticipated his torment.

2. Show not tell the reader, Instead of Jadens face of arrogance immediately
changed to a picture of shock, try to describe and paint a clearer picture in readers
minds of how his face looked like. To do this, add in precise adjectives and verbs or
add in sensory details (5 senses)
E.g. The smug grin on Jadens face immediately disappeared as his mouth hung wide open,
unable to move due to his state of shock.

3. Show not Tell the characters emotions as well! To do this you can use interior
monologue, or even interior sensations, facial expressions as well. I see you used
Body language here, sat down in his seat, looking at his feet. Thats good! Now you
can try other ways, like facial expressions as well
E.g. His face still as red as a beetroot and radiated heat like a hot pan
Notice how I used simile as well.
Hi Joel,

Great use of adjectives, verbs, good language and use of literary devices at times.
1. However, main problem here is story structure. Every story has to have a beginning,
middle and an end. So split your story into minimum three paragraphs. This is so that
the reader can follow the flow of the story better, and you can spend time
developing each part better. You only have two paragraphs in your story!
The introduction started off well, the middle paragraph also showed the climax of
your story. However, your conclusion was lacking. This is because you crammed
your conclusion into the same paragraph as your middle paragraph (the climax).If
you wrote the conclusion in one paragraph on its own instead it would be easier to
develop your conclusion.

2. Show not tell : I like how you used precise verbs to describe events happening
here. He dragged him to the female toilet, shoved him in, promptly locking the
door.
However, you could have expanded on this part a little more : This turn of events
left Mu Kwan greatly shocked. Instead of telling the reader how Mu Kwan felt, try to
show the reader. To do this, you can use interior monologue or you can use interior
sensations (how they feel) of the character or you could use both as shown below.
Use precise adjectives and verbs in order to do so.
E.g. (a) Mu Kwans heart palpitated. Unable to contain this surge of adrenaline, his lips
quivered uncontrollably. Hes going to kill me, he thought, fearfully.

3. Overall flow of the story is not there. I believe your second paragraph was the climax
of the story, but there was a jump from begging to be let out to Many believe that
Matthew did these to gain attention. Always use connecting words like Therefore,
Also, Next etc. to connect the flow of your story better.
Also, your conclusion has to link back to the overall topic that you are writing about.
In this case, it was arrogance, so please try to link it back.
Hi Julia,

1. Story structure : It seems as if the group of boys mentioned in here are actually more
boastful and arrogant than the main character, Jason. Be careful of the verbs and
dialogues you use to describe the boys, and Jason as well! Jason seems to be the
victim here. It is hard to empathize (feel sorry) for the boys in the story. Try to use
precise adjectives and verbs to describe Jason, and paint him as more of the bully.
E.g. Jason puffed up his chest arrogantly to let everyone see the gleaming badge pinned on
his shirt. He walked around the classroom, taunting the students as he passed, snickering in
satisfaction.

2. The use of excessive dialogue in the story

You should use dialogue only when you want it to serve a purpose (used to advance
the plot or develop the character). Good dialogue lets the reader know something
about the person speaking it. Make sure dialogue isnt overused or boring or
unnecessary. If possible, try to stay away from using dialogue too much for now.
Instead, try to write your story using precise adjectives and verbs to describe your
character. You are telling a story to the reader, remember that!
E.g. While Weasley trudged to school alone with his head hanging down, the rest of the
students gathered together in their respective cliques. One of which is Barren and his gang.
They dominated the school with their sturdy and overbearing presence.

3. Grammar/Punctuation ]
Certain grammatical errors throughout. For you, you have difficulty differentiating
the words from past tense to present tense. I have corrected a few on your script
already. Just try to read more, and it should come naturally to you.