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As Alex walked into his new school for the first time, he was shaking in his shoes.

He

knew he wasnt what society considered attractive. Alex was overweight with cystic acne and he

wore glasses; he was the kind of nerd that movies portray. He had anxiety which made talking to

people hard, even the guidance counselor. Hello! Earth to Alex! said Sherry, the schools

guidance counselor. Oh sorry, I guess I was zoned out, replied Alex. Thats okay. First day

jitters! Little did she know that is how nervous Alex was all the time. Well I just called two of

our star students here at AHS to give you a tour of the school! Suddenly, two muscular guys

wearing lettermens walked through the door. This is Chris and Paul. They will show you

around and make sure you have a good understanding of the layout of the school, said Sherry.

Alex felt nauseous. The last thing on earth he wanted was to walk around with two guys like

Chris and Paul.

The guys gestured towards the door and Alex started to walk through it when he suddenly

felt a foot in his back; he pummeled to the ground. Chris and Paul started laughing, kicked him

in his sides and said, stay out of our way you fat pig, this is our school. As Alex laid there, he

didnt have any desire to get up. All he could hear was the comments from all the kids at his new

school. Look at that hippo dying on the floor, haha! Yeah he is such a fatty, he probably eats

two Big Macs for a snack. Alex quickly got up and gathered his things. He wanted to go home

and set out his plan for tomorrow. With tear stained cheeks he headed home soaking in every

comment. He wanted to end his misery for good.

How was your first day sweetie? asked his mom when he ran through the door.

Terrible, how else would it have been? replied Alex as he rushed upstairs to write his note. Not

only did Alex want to end his misery, he wanted to stop his family from being ashamed as well.

He knew that his parents were embarrassed to take him in public. He felt worthless and did not
want his parents to feel the same way. Alex sat down at his desk, grabbed a pen from his

bookbag and a piece of paper from his notebook. His shaky handwriting stated:

Dear mom and dad,

Its not your fault, alright? You didnt make me this way. It is just who I am. I am a burden

to everyone that I know and life would be better without me. I am hurting. I am miserable. I am

living in hell. Love you always.

After writing the letter, Alex felt relief. He knew his pain would be over soon. Alex had

been dealing with bullies his whole life and he was so tired of feeling this way; he didnt

necessarily want to die he just didnt want to feel pain anymore. Alex tucked the note under his

pillow to sleep on it. He knew his parents would not be home after school tomorrow so that is

when he planned to carry it out. The next morning, Alexs mom said, Wake up sweetie. Its time

for school. Im up, yelled Alex. There is actually something I wanted to talk to you about. You

seemed pretty upset after school yesterday and I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I

am fine mom, dont worry about me. Alex got out of bed, got dressed, and left for school. Just

one last time he thought. As soon as he walked into school, a girl approached Alex. She looked

short and frail. Alex felt insecure because she was so small and beautiful. He was certain that

whatever she had to say to him would not be pleasant.

The girl said, Hey Alex! So I saw you yesterday and I felt bad that is how you got introduced to

AHS. Im Marie. Sit with me at lunch?

Is this one of those practical jokes or something? replied Alex.

Marie started to giggle, No its not a practical joke, I am new here too. Ive been attending

school here for about a month now and I know what jerks people here can be. Im always

looking for new friends. So, whats the answer?

For the first time in a long time, Alex felt hopeful. Alex felt wanted. I mean I guess if you want

me to.
Thank god! Cant wait to see you there! replied Marie excitedly. As Alex went about his day,

waiting for 11:30, he ignored the hateful comments with ease. He knew that at least one person

in the world wanted to be his friend and for him, that was enough.

When the clock hit 11:30 and the bell rung; Alex rushed to the lunchroom. Fat cow!

yelled someone but he didnt care; he just wanted to see Marie. When he arrived to the

lunchroom she was already sitting there waiting for him. He sat down and she said, You know, I

was like you once. I got bullied day in and day out. I wanted to kill myself and my mom made

me go to the therapist. She told me that bullies pick on easy victims, people that they know it will

affect. Once I stopped caring what they said about me the bullying stopped too. A single tear

ran down Alexs cheek. He was so excited all day that he forgot about his after school plans.

Whats wrong? muttered Marie. I was planning to take my life after school today. It is so hard.

I cant deal with this pain any longer. I thought this school was going to be a fresh start but my

life has only gotten harder. Marie got up and sat right next to Alex. After school, You and I are

going to the movies and we are going to throw away all the bad thoughts. We are going to have

a blast. As Alex exhaled, the only thing he could say while the tears streamed down his face

was Okay. Relief washed over Alex. Maybe it doesnt have to end, he thought.

Rubric rating submitted on: 12/14/2017, 10:54:23 PM by danielle.cook@redstreaks.org


5 4 3 2 1 0

Introduction 5 = Fully 4= 3= 2= 1= 0 = No
W.3.a and Demonstrat Attempted to Attempted to Attempted to attempt
Your score: creatively ed demonstrate demonstrate demonstrate made
4.5 demonstrate Engages ; a couple ; a few ; several Engages
d and orient errors exist errors exist errors exist and orient
Engages the reader Engages Engages Engages the reader
and orient by setting and orient and orient and orient by setting
the reader out a the reader the reader the reader out a
by setting problem by setting by setting by setting problem
out a (conflict), out a out a out a (conflict),
problem situation, or problem problem problem situation, or
(conflict), observation (conflict), (conflict), (conflict), observation
situation, or and situation, or situation, or situation, or and
observation determines observation observation observation determines
and its and and and its
determines significance. determines determines determines significance.
its Establishes its its its Establishes
significance. one or significance. significance. significance. one or
Establishes multiple Establishes Establishes Establishes multiple
one or point(s) of one or one or one or point(s) of
multiple view and multiple multiple multiple view and
point(s) of introduces point(s) of point(s) of point(s) of introduces
view and the narrator view and view and view and the narrator
introduces and/or introduces introduces introduces and/or
the narrator characters. the narrator the narrator the narrator characters.
and/or and/or and/or and/or
characters. characters. characters. characters.

Rising 5 = Fully 4= 3= 2= 1= 0 = No
Action & and Demonstrat Attempted to Attempted to Attempted to attempt
Climax creatively ed demonstrate demonstrate demonstrate made
W.3.b,c,d demonstrate Uses ; a couple ; a few ; several Uses
(1) d dialogue errors exist errors exist errors exist dialogue
Your score: Uses and Uses Uses Uses and
4.5 dialogue description dialogue dialogue dialogue description
and (characteriz and and and (characteriz
description ation) to description description description ation) to
(characteriz develop (characteriz (characteriz (characteriz develop
ation) to experiences, ation) to ation) to ation) to experiences,
develop events, develop develop develop events,
experiences, and/or experiences, experiences, experiences, and/or
events, characters. events, events, events, characters.
and/or Uses and/or and/or and/or Uses
characters. pacing, characters. characters. characters. pacing,
Uses reflection , Uses Uses Uses reflection ,
pacing, suspense pacing, pacing, pacing, suspense
reflection , and reflection , reflection , reflection , and
suspense foreshadowi suspense suspense suspense foreshadowi
and ng to and and and ng to
foreshadowi develop foreshadowi foreshadowi foreshadowi develop
ng to experiences, ng to ng to ng to experiences,
develop events, develop develop develop events,
experiences, and/or experiences, experiences, experiences, and/or
events, characters. events, events, events, characters.
and/or Sequence and/or and/or and/or Sequence
characters. events so characters. characters. characters. events so
Sequence that they Sequence Sequence Sequence that they
events so build on one events so events so events so build on one
that they another to that they that they that they another to
build on one create a build on one build on one build on one create a
another to coherent another to another to another to coherent
create a whole and create a create a create a whole and
coherent build toward coherent coherent coherent build toward
whole and a particular whole and whole and whole and a particular
build toward tone and build toward build toward build toward tone and
a particular outcome a particular a particular a particular outcome
tone and (e.g. sense tone and tone and tone and (e.g. sense
outcome of mystery, outcome outcome outcome of mystery,
(e.g. sense suspense, (e.g. sense (e.g. sense (e.g. sense suspense,
of mystery, growth, or of mystery, of mystery, of mystery, growth, or
suspense, resolution) suspense, suspense, suspense, resolution)
growth, or Uses clear growth, or growth, or growth, or Uses clear
resolution) transitions resolution) resolution) resolution) transitions
Uses clear frequently to Uses clear Uses clear Uses clear frequently to
transitions help develop transitions transitions transitions help develop
frequently to the frequently to frequently to frequently to the
help develop sequencing help develop help develop help develop sequencing
the of events. the the the of events.
sequencing Uses a sequencing sequencing sequencing Uses a
of events. precise/stro of events. of events. of events. precise/stro
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ng words phrases, ng words ng words ng words phrases,
and telling and and and telling
phrases, details, and phrases, phrases, phrases, details, and
telling sensory telling telling telling sensory
details, and language to details, and details, and details, and language to
sensory convey a sensory sensory sensory convey a
language to vivid picture language to language to language to vivid picture
convey a of the convey a convey a convey a of the
vivid picture experiences, vivid picture vivid picture vivid picture experiences,
of the events, of the of the of the events,
experiences, settings experiences, experiences, experiences, settings
events, and/or events, events, events, and/or
settings characters. settings settings settings characters.
and/or Develops a and/or and/or and/or Develops a
characters. theme and characters. characters. characters. theme and
Develops a weave it Develops a Develops a Develops a weave it
theme and throughout theme and theme and theme and throughout
weave it the weave it weave it weave it the
throughout narrative. throughout throughout throughout narrative.
the Presents the the the Presents
narrative. and narrative. narrative. narrative. and
Presents develops Presents Presents Presents develops
and complication and and and complication
develops s to lead up develops develops develops s to lead up
complication to the climax complication complication complication to the climax
s to lead up and s to lead up s to lead up s to lead up and
to the climax develops a to the climax to the climax to the climax develops a
and clear climax and and and clear climax
develops a or turning develops a develops a develops a or turning
clear climax point in the clear climax clear climax clear climax point in the
or turning narrative. or turning or turning or turning narrative.
point in the Uses point in the point in the point in the Uses
narrative. figurative narrative. narrative. narrative. figurative
Uses language in Uses Uses Uses language in
figurative the narrative figurative figurative figurative the narrative
language in to develop language in language in language in to develop
the narrative the plot, the narrative the narrative the narrative the plot,
to develop characters, to develop to develop to develop characters,
the plot, events, the plot, the plot, the plot, events,
characters, and/or characters, characters, characters, and/or
events, experiences. events, events, events, experiences.
and/or Uses at and/or and/or and/or Uses at
experiences. least one of experiences. experiences. experiences. least one of
Uses at the Uses at Uses at Uses at the
least one of following: least one of least one of least one of following:
the irony, the the the irony,
following: symbolism, following: following: following: symbolism,
irony, multiple irony, irony, irony, multiple
symbolism, plots, symbolism, symbolism, symbolism, plots,
multiple paradox, multiple multiple multiple paradox,
plots, archetype, plots, plots, plots, archetype,
paradox, flashback, or paradox, paradox, paradox, flashback, or
archetype, stream of archetype, archetype, archetype, stream of
flashback, or consciousne flashback, or flashback, or flashback, or consciousne
stream of ss. stream of stream of stream of ss.
consciousne consciousne consciousne consciousne
ss. ss. ss. ss.

Rising 5 = Fully 4= 3= 2= 1= 0 = No
Action & and Demonstrat Attempted to Attempted to Attempted to attempt
Climax creatively ed demonstrate demonstrate demonstrate made
W.3.b,c,d demonstrate Uses ; a couple ; a few ; several Uses
(2) d dialogue errors exist errors exist errors exist dialogue
Your score: Uses and Uses Uses Uses and
4.5 dialogue description dialogue dialogue dialogue description
and (characteriz and and and (characteriz
description ation) to description description description ation) to
(characteriz develop (characteriz (characteriz (characteriz develop
ation) to experiences, ation) to ation) to ation) to experiences,
develop events, develop develop develop events,
experiences, and/or experiences, experiences, experiences, and/or
events, characters. events, events, events, characters.
and/or Uses and/or and/or and/or Uses
characters. pacing, characters. characters. characters. pacing,
Uses reflection , Uses Uses Uses reflection ,
pacing, suspense pacing, pacing, pacing, suspense
reflection , and reflection , reflection , reflection , and
suspense foreshadowi suspense suspense suspense foreshadowi
and ng to and and and ng to
foreshadowi develop foreshadowi foreshadowi foreshadowi develop
ng to experiences, ng to ng to ng to experiences,
develop events, develop develop develop events,
experiences, and/or experiences, experiences, experiences, and/or
events, characters. events, events, events, characters.
and/or Sequence and/or and/or and/or Sequence
characters. events so characters. characters. characters. events so
Sequence that they Sequence Sequence Sequence that they
events so build on one events so events so events so build on one
that they another to that they that they that they another to
build on one create a build on one build on one build on one create a
another to coherent another to another to another to coherent
create a whole and create a create a create a whole and
coherent build toward coherent coherent coherent build toward
whole and a particular whole and whole and whole and a particular
build toward tone and build toward build toward build toward tone and
a particular outcome a particular a particular a particular outcome
tone and (e.g. sense tone and tone and tone and (e.g. sense
outcome of mystery, outcome outcome outcome of mystery,
(e.g. sense suspense, (e.g. sense (e.g. sense (e.g. sense suspense,
of mystery, growth, or of mystery, of mystery, of mystery, growth, or
suspense, resolution) suspense, suspense, suspense, resolution)
growth, or Uses clear growth, or growth, or growth, or Uses clear
resolution) transitions resolution) resolution) resolution) transitions
Uses clear frequently to Uses clear Uses clear Uses clear frequently to
transitions help develop transitions transitions transitions help develop
frequently to the frequently to frequently to frequently to the
help develop sequencing help develop help develop help develop sequencing
the of events. the the the of events.
sequencing Uses a sequencing sequencing sequencing Uses a
of events. precise/stro of events. of events. of events. precise/stro
Uses a ng words Uses a Uses a Uses a ng words
precise/stro and precise/stro precise/stro precise/stro and
ng words phrases, ng words ng words ng words phrases,
and telling and and and telling
phrases, details, and phrases, phrases, phrases, details, and
telling sensory telling telling telling sensory
details, and language to details, and details, and details, and language to
sensory convey a sensory sensory sensory convey a
language to vivid picture language to language to language to vivid picture
convey a of the convey a convey a convey a of the
vivid picture experiences, vivid picture vivid picture vivid picture experiences,
of the events, of the of the of the events,
experiences, settings experiences, experiences, experiences, settings
events, and/or events, events, events, and/or
settings characters. settings settings settings characters.
and/or Develops a and/or and/or and/or Develops a
characters. theme and characters. characters. characters. theme and
Develops a weave it Develops a Develops a Develops a weave it
theme and throughout theme and theme and theme and throughout
weave it the weave it weave it weave it the
throughout narrative. throughout throughout throughout narrative.
the Presents the the the Presents
narrative. and narrative. narrative. narrative. and
Presents develops Presents Presents Presents develops
and complication and and and complication
develops s to lead up develops develops develops s to lead up
complication to the climax complication complication complication to the climax
s to lead up and s to lead up s to lead up s to lead up and
to the climax develops a to the climax to the climax to the climax develops a
and clear climax and and and clear climax
develops a or turning develops a develops a develops a or turning
clear climax point in the clear climax clear climax clear climax point in the
or turning narrative. or turning or turning or turning narrative.
point in the Uses point in the point in the point in the Uses
narrative. figurative narrative. narrative. narrative. figurative
Uses language in Uses Uses Uses language in
figurative the narrative figurative figurative figurative the narrative
language in to develop language in language in language in to develop
the narrative the plot, the narrative the narrative the narrative the plot,
to develop characters, to develop to develop to develop characters,
the plot, events, the plot, the plot, the plot, events,
characters, and/or characters, characters, characters, and/or
events, experiences. events, events, events, experiences.
and/or Uses at and/or and/or and/or Uses at
experiences. least one of experiences. experiences. experiences. least one of
Uses at the Uses at Uses at Uses at the
least one of following: least one of least one of least one of following:
the irony, the the the irony,
following: symbolism, following: following: following: symbolism,
irony, multiple irony, irony, irony, multiple
symbolism, plots, symbolism, symbolism, symbolism, plots,
multiple paradox, multiple multiple multiple paradox,
plots, archetype, plots, plots, plots, archetype,
paradox, flashback, or paradox, paradox, paradox, flashback, or
archetype, stream of archetype, archetype, archetype, stream of
flashback, or consciousne flashback, or flashback, or flashback, or consciousne
stream of ss. stream of stream of stream of ss.
consciousne consciousne consciousne consciousne
ss. ss. ss. ss.

Falling 5 = Fully 4= 3= 2= 1= 0 = No
Action & and Demonstrat Attempted to Attempted to Attempted to attempt
Conclusion creatively ed demonstrate demonstrate demonstrate made
W.3.e demonstrate The ; a couple ; a few ; several The
d problem, errors exist errors exist errors exist problem,
Your score: The situation, or The The The situation, or
4.5 problem, observation problem, problem, problem, observation
situation, or is clearly situation, or situation, or situation, or is clearly
observation resolved. observation observation observation resolved.
is clearly Provides a is clearly is clearly is clearly Provides a
resolved. conclusion resolved. resolved. resolved. conclusion
Provides a that follows Provides a Provides a Provides a that follows
conclusion from and conclusion conclusion conclusion from and
that follows reflects on that follows that follows that follows reflects on
from and what is from and from and from and what is
reflects on experienced reflects on reflects on reflects on experienced
what is , observed, what is what is what is , observed,
experienced or resolved experienced experienced experienced or resolved
, observed, over the , observed, , observed, , observed, over the
or resolved course of or resolved or resolved or resolved course of
over the the over the over the over the the
course of narrative. course of course of course of narrative.
the Reflects the the the Reflects
narrative. upon the narrative. narrative. narrative. upon the
Reflects theme(s) in Reflects Reflects Reflects theme(s) in
upon the the upon the upon the upon the the
theme(s) in conclusion theme(s) in theme(s) in theme(s) in conclusion
the to leave the the the the to leave the
conclusion reader with conclusion conclusion conclusion reader with
to leave the a lasting to leave the to leave the to leave the a lasting
reader with message to reader with reader with reader with message to
a lasting take away a lasting a lasting a lasting take away
message to from the message to message to message to from the
take away story and take away take away take away story and
from the apply to life. from the from the from the apply to life.
story and story and story and story and
apply to life. apply to life. apply to life. apply to life.

Mechanics, 5 = Fully 4= 3= 2= 1= 0 = No
Usage & and Demonstrat Attempted to Attempted to Attempted to attempt
Style creatively ed demonstrate demonstrate demonstrate made
W.1.c,d & L. demonstrate Sentence ; a couple ; a few ; several Sentence
1&2 d variety and errors exist errors exist errors exist variety and
Sentence word choice Sentence Sentence Sentence word choice
Your score: variety and is effective variety and variety and variety and is effective
4.5 word choice and word choice word choice word choice and
is effective sophisticate is effective is effective is effective sophisticate
and d. and and and d.
sophisticate A formal sophisticate sophisticate sophisticate A formal
d. style and d. d. d. style and
A formal objective A formal A formal A formal objective
style and tone is style and style and style and tone is
objective established objective objective objective established
tone is and tone is tone is tone is and
established maintained established established established maintained
and & and and and &
maintained Writing is maintained maintained maintained Writing is
& clear, & & & clear,
Writing is concise, and Writing is Writing is Writing is concise, and
clear, strong. clear, clear, clear, strong.
concise, and Sentences concise, and concise, and concise, and Sentences
strong. demonstrate strong. strong. strong. demonstrate
Sentences correct Sentences Sentences Sentences correct
demonstrate usage, demonstrate demonstrate demonstrate usage,
correct punctuation, correct correct correct punctuation,
usage, capitalizatio usage, usage, usage, capitalizatio
punctuation, n, and punctuation, punctuation, punctuation, n, and
capitalizatio spelling. capitalizatio capitalizatio capitalizatio spelling.
n, and n, and n, and n, and
spelling. spelling. spelling. spelling.

Comments:
Total: 22.5 x 2 = 45/50

http://talkandcomment.com/p/1e52e6cf7552e16e4a9a2a6b (voice note)

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