Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Young people,
sex and Islam
W e are all brought up with the idea that we are not allowed
to have sex. Even mentioning the subject could suggest
that you are sexually active. This state of affairs prevents many
young people from bringing up the subject of sexuality with their
parents and vice versa. The feelings of shame and boundaries
of respect are very different to those in a Dutch family. Whereas a
Dutch father would consider making a comment like “Wow, you’re
bum is starting to get quite big!” run of the mill; a Moroccan or
Turkish father would not even consider using the word “bum”,
let alone making such a remark.
Jihad Alariachi
(ex-)columnist of the Islam and Sexuality subsite on Maroc.nl,
De Meiden van Halal [The Haläl Girls], a Dutch TV programme
Table of
contents
The Islam and Sexuality Internet Survey 8
1. Sex according to Islam 10
2. Sex according to young Muslims 16
3. Sexual experiences 22
4. Is safe sex important? 28
5. Choice of partner 38
6. Girls and boys 54
7. Homosexuality 62
8. Sex education for young Muslims 72
Thirteen Q&A’s on Sexuality 86
Further Reading/Surfing 106
Glossary 111
Bibliography 112
The Islam and sexuality
internet survey
How do young Turkish and Moroccan Muslims deal with sex and what roles do religion and
culture play? These questions were answered during the Islam and Sexuality survey which
was carried out by Maastricht University in 2005 on behalf of STI Aids Netherlands.
The results of the survey can be found in this booklet.
Q uestions that young people dare not ask at home – out of respect
for their parents or on account of the “taboo” on sex - can be asked
on the Internet. They can remain anonymous and thus do not need to be
afraid of social control or loss of reputation. In addition, the Internet forms
an enormously popular means of communication between young people:
97 percent of all young Turks between the ages of 15 and 24 use the
Internet and 85 percent of their Moroccan peers do the same.
About the websites
M aroc.nl had 200,000 hits and Lokum.nl (which was online for a much
shorter period of time) attracted 3,000 visitors. STI AIDS Netherlands
wanted to provide information on sexuality and relationships through these
subsites. They wanted to make these issues a subject of discussion so that
young people would be able to make well-considered choices when it
comes to relationships and healthy sexuality. Some of the subjects discussed
were; virginity, safe sex, homosexuality and loverboys (pimps). By means of
“Frequently Asked Questions”, an ABC of sex and a quiz, the visitors were able
to gain knowledge and submit questions by e-mail to Imam van Bommel (over
six hundred questions) or to one of the two Public Health Service employees
(over one hundred questions each). They were also able to submit questions
to the AIDS STI Helpline and hold a discussion on the forum. A liaison group
consisting of representatives from organisations such as Forum, Yoesuf, the sites
themselves and the Rutgers Nisso Groep gave advice during the project.
Young people from the target group submitted texts for the subsite.
Representative?
O ther sources for this booklet are Sex under the age of 25, a large-scale
and representative nationwide investigation, and other research.
> 11
“Sex and Islam do go
together. Within Islam
sexuality is not only intended
for reproductive purposes.
It is also regarded as
something spiritual, even sacred.
Sexuality is a healing
and healthy pleasure,
a human need.”
Imam Abdulwahid van Bommel in ‘Islam, liefde en seksualiteit’ [Islam, Love and Sexuality].
“P eople just don’t say what they do, or do what they say,”
the scholar, lecturer and writer Piet Vroon once aptly
said. This also applies to Muslims. In spite of the fact that many
Muslims claim to find clear answers regarding sexuality in their
religion, theory and practice appear to be miles apart. Rules are
not always obeyed (by everyone) and Muslims do not always
hold the same views.
> 13
Is it a matter of religion or culture?
W hen it comes down to discussions about sexuality and Islam many things are often attributed
to religion. Nevertheless, they are actually a matter of culture. Islam has often adapted to
the culture of its followers. For example, Turkish Islam differs from Moroccan Islam, also in the
Netherlands. In addition, differences in liberal temperament and, possibly, educational level are of
significance. What is labelled religious do’s and don’ts by one person is regarded as no more than
cultural prohibition by another.
A n increasing number of young people in the Netherlands study the Qur’an. Some young
people have trouble keeping religion and culture separate. In some cases, the tradition of
the country of origin, as opposed to Islam, is decisive for their views. Not everything that is argued
from the point of view of religion actually has Islamic roots. Some parents present rules of conduct
as Islamic when they actually concern cultural traditions. For instance, fathers who arrange forced
marriages for their daughters often claim that Islam bids them to do so. In reality, Islam strongly
disapproves of forced marriages; both parties have to consent to a wedding.
> 15
2. Sex according to
young Muslims
Virginity is the norm for young Muslims. Many Islamic people agree with this. However, are
you allowed to make love to your future husband/wife?
> 17
Solo sex
M asturbation and religion are like chalk and cheese. Solo sex is undesirable, if not forbidden,
in Christianity, Judaism and Islam. This is a subject that is rarely discussed but the subject of
‘masturbation’ caused feelings on the forum on Maroc.nl to run high for quite a long time.
Non-religious, predominantly native Dutch, visitors were of the opinion that it is obvious that solo sex
results in sexual gratification. However, several Islamic visitors denied that they were able to derive
pleasure from masturbation. While some visitors regarded solo sex as a way of preventing illegal sexual
acts, such as having an affair or premarital sex, many Islamic visitors felt that masturbation encourages
sinful behaviour. “As far as faith is concerned, it can weaken your imaan (...). Masturbation can result
in even greater haräm (sin). It can, for example, result in zinã. You could become more interested in
pornography and look at photographs containing obscene images which could lead to zinã. You could
also miss out on prayer time because you had to perform ghusl (the major ablution) and get lazier each
time.” (woman, Muslim)
> 19
> Sex according to young Muslims <
Talking about sex
myself ever since other person wants, being confident about your appearance and
performance and being able to draw the line and respect the other
I learned what person. These skills are required to render sexual contact pleasant
masturbation was. and safe for both partners.
But alright, I’ll
have to answer
your question if
I want you to
answer mine: No,
I don’t engage in
masturbation.”
*In the Netherlands, Turks, Moroccans, Surinamese and Antilleans form the largest
(woman, Morocco) groups of migrants.
> 21
3. Sexual experiences
Most young Muslims claim that they abide by the religious rules. However, do they apply
those rules in practice? Here is a summary of the statistics.
O n average, young people start their sexual career with French kissing. They
then move on to caressing under each other’s clothes and petting in the nude.
Sometime later this is followed by sexual intercourse. The step-by-step version can be
seen relatively often among native young Dutch people and highly educated people.
Not all young people develop their sexuality in this order. For example, some have
sexual intercourse before kissing or caressing. Young Moroccans, Turks, Surinamese and
Antilleans are more likely to have what is referred to as a ”non-linear” sexual career.
boys girls
21% 82%
18% 81%
raised a Christian,
religion slightly important 21% 83%
36% 73%
raised a Muslim,
religion slightly or very important 10% 40%
Maroc.nl
* Y oung people who are no longer a virgin or are a virgin and do not entirely rule out the possibility
of having premarital sex.
> 25
Lokum.nl
Safe sex
• Young people who had sex the first time round without using a
condom were not as well prepared, had more negative intentions
and attached more importance to the ‘virginity norm’.
• Within Maroc.nl, the number of boys who indicated that they did
not fall exclusively for girls is considerable: thirteen percent of
242 boys are homosexual or bisexual, and 2.4 percent are not sure
of their sexuality. These boys are more likely to have had an STI on
more than one occasion, are less likely to be Muslim and do not
think highly of (the use of) condoms.
> 29
The Pill
Abortion
“I ’m talking about the honour and pride you once had but
wasted. And now you’re in a big mess. How do you think
your family is going to react when they find out that their
daughter is pregnant without being married?”
(woman, Muslim)
> 33
D iscussions on the Internet have revealed that a number
of Moroccan and Turkish girls are aware of the mythical
nature of the hymen. Still, there are also girls who are concerned
about bleeding on the wedding night. Young boys particularly
continue to believe in it. Some boys even threaten their bride-to-
be if she should fail on the night in question. Dutch Muslims are
starting to change their views on the hymen. Notwithstanding,
hymen reconstructive surgery is carried out several hundred times a
year. Since this operation is carried out as “vaginoplasty”, there are
no exact figures on the actual number. Experts have estimated the
number at five hundred a year. This largely concerns young Islamic
and Hindu women.
> 35
5. Choice of partner
An Islamic woman is not allowed to marry a
non-Muslim, whereas an Islamic man is. In
practice, things are not this simple.
> 39
“Both the Qur’an and the
Prophet allow cousins to marry.
At the same time they strongly
encourage marriage outside
the family circle. The Prophet
himself not only married
women from other tribes,
but also women of other
races and religions.
> 41
Islamisation
3 The enchanted marriage takes place during the holiday where the
person marries in a flush of excitement after the family and
acquaintances have done their best to ensnare them. When he or
she returns to the Netherlands regret is felt and the participant
pleads temporary insanity.
Free choice
> 45
that their parents are not in favour of a potential partner. The fact
that young people take their family into account to such a high
degree when selecting a life partner does not necessarily mean
that they lose sight of their personal wishes – friendship, like-
mindedness and love; they look for a partner who is a good match
for themselves as well as their parents. To make this choice easier,
the engagement period is increasingly protracted. As a result you
are better able to get to know your potential partner and, possibly,
to call off the engagement without losing too much face.
O n the other hand: more and more young people are aware
of the fact that many girls and women in their countries of
origin aren’t all that pure. For instance, some of them offer sexual
favours from necessity or in the hopes of entrapping a European
husband.
> 47
> Choice of partner <
“Honestly: imagine, you have got
a Dutch husband. He’ll never be
able to understand your culture
or vice versa. Let me tell you
this: the differences will bring
about arguments and rifts in
your relationship. This is why
your parents don’t want you to
go out with such a person. They
don’t want you to break your
heart since you are their daughter
and they love you. You’re parents
always know what’s best for you.”
(woman, the Netherlands, Muslim)
> 49
“I am a Muslim woman and am involved with a Christian
boy. I have been going out with him for four years now
and love him very much. The problem is that my parents don’t
accept him. I don’t know what to do. I know I don’t want to lose
him, but I don’t want to lose my parents either. Has anybody
been through this and, if so, were you finally able to make a
decision? Who can help me?”
(woman, Muslim)
> 51
6. Girls and boys
Muslim boys have a relatively high level of sexual
experience. In contrast, Muslim girls are restricted in their
sexual freedom.
> 55
Boys
W hether you are a boy or a girl, you cannot but face the
prospect of marriage. Marrying and raising a family is seen
as a (religious) duty.
> 59
7. Homosexuality
The word ‘homosexuality’ does not appear in the Qur’an.
It is nevertheless clear to most Muslim boys that homosexuality
is ‘wrong’. But what if a young person turns out to be gay
or lesbian?
> 63
The Qur’an
“I say that there is no such thing as being born “gay”. Neither are
people born rapists or murderers. But alright, suppose there is
someone who has certain desires, that person should not give in to them.
It’s simple. If this person is mentally unsound, and thus unlike normal
people...can learn to improve himself for Islam (just as someone who
swears or shouts a lot can learn not to do this in order to become a better
Muslim). The least these people can do is refrain from performing these
indecent acts. If that person does so anyway on account of the fact that
“he was born that way and Allah will forgive him for it”, I mean: come
on, that’s not how it works!”
(man, Muslim)
> 65
“The occurrence of texts in the Qur’an
and written tradition is proof that
homosexuality was not unknown, just
that it was known by another name.
Although this is not undisputed, it is
argued fairly often that homosexuality
corresponds to the description of the men
of the people of Lot, who approached
each other lasciviously. One example:
“What?! Of all the creatures you
approach men lustfully. You leave your
women whom your creator created on
your behalf? This reduces you to a race
which oversteps all boundaries.”
> 67
Opinions of young people
> 69
8. Sex education for
young muslims
What makes sex education for young Muslims different?
This chapter helps teachers, youth workers and others who
provide information on sexuality. It offers items for
consideration. Please note that this is not intended as
educational material on its own. There are special sex
education programs on the market for this purpose.
> 73
> Sex education for young Muslims <
Sexual knowledge
> 75
Sexual experience
lokum.nl 87% 5% 8%
> 83
13 Questions and answers
on sexuality
Frequently occurring questions on sexuality and Imam
Abdulwahid Van Bommel’s answers to them have been
summarised on a frequently asked questions page.
> 87
3 Is masturbation allowed in Islam?
The opinions of Islamic mullahs with regard to masturbation
are very divergent. However, neither contemporary nor past
Muslim scholars forbid masturbation entirely. In order not to fall
into adultery or fornication, al-istimna bil-yad or masturbation is
allowed, though it remains objectionable. However, masturbation
is not regarded as zinã (fornication or adultery), not even when a
man is satisfied manually by a woman who is not his wife. Some
scholars are more sceptical of their own hand than the hand of a
female slave. However, public disclosure could result in disciplinary
action especially if the motivation was lust. A question was
asked about this in connection with providing medical care in the
hospitals of Cairo. The sheikh at the time (al-Azhar) allowed it.
We have found that the school of Abu Hanifa holds the most
balanced views on the subject of masturbation. As far as
masturbation is concerned its way of thinking is parallel to way of
thinking in regards to the level of obligation to get married.
It is forbidden when it is a result of self-induced lust. However, in
case the feelings of lust become too powerful, and he or she is not
married, it will not be considered objectionable. According to the
hanafites, it is even a duty if there is a real risk of adultery.
All schools condone masturbation if there is a long period of
solitude and/or a risk of homosexual contacts, such as in prison.
> 89
5 Are you allowed to engage in premarital sex?
Girls and boys who are not yet married are expected to lead
a chaste existence according to Islam. Things are very different
in reality. Of course you recognise that there is a great difference
between short-lived “lust affairs” or one-night stands and the
intention to truly become man and wife. Since Islam is not
inhumane in its rules of the Sharia, all the schools have provided
a kind of repentance (tauba/istighfãr) and forgiveness (maghfirah)
with retroactive effect to the solemnization of a marriage or
aqdatū-nikah in situations where prenuptial relationships have led
to marriage. When the faqïh or imam is aware of the premarital
affair, he separates the bride and bridegroom for a symbolic
period of time so that they can become reacquainted according to
the traditions which they wish to follow. As mortals, we cannot
determine whom Allah will or will not forgive. Only He can make
that decision. We can perform du’ã’ on your girlfriend’s behalf so
that she may be granted forgiveness.
> 93
7 Are you supposed to shave your pubic hair?
In two of the prophet Muhammad’s traditions, peace be with
him, which slightly overlap, he explained that man is naturally
predisposed to cleanse himself. The following seven practices
are part of man’s fitra: the circumcision of a son, the removal
of underarm and pubic hair, cutting your nails, trimming your
moustache and rinsing out your mouth and nose. It therefore forms
part of the sunna, and should be part of the natural hygiene of
every Muslim.
> 95
> Meer weten? <
> 97
9 Is abortion forbidden in Islam?
The word ‘alaqah’ literally means ‘something which hangs’, i.e.
the fertilized egg cell nestles itself into the wall of the uterus.
This view of the onset of life is of course of great importance
to Islamic law with regard to abortion. As far as the parental
contribution to the reproductive process and the various
developmental stages of the foetus is concerned, the observations
of the Qur’an, the prophet Muhammad and modern science are
quite similar. Al-Ghazzâli and Ibn Qayim stated in the eleventh
and fourteenth century respectively that the animation of the
foetus in the fourth of the forty-day cycles can only be known with
certainty to a divinely inspired prophet, by means of a revelation.
This particular moment is also pointed out in the creation of the
first man: “When your Creator said unto the angels: “I am going to
create man from clay, and when I have shaped him and infused
him with My spirit...”” (38:71-72)
In Islamic guidelines, this period of 120 days is of overriding importance in decisions regarding abortion.
Abortion is ruled out after this period, except when the mother’s life is in danger. However, there is
also no consensus of opinion among the various schools and scholars with regard to abortion in the
period prior to the infusion of the soul (breath of life). Most Malikitic jurists forbid abortion completely.
They agree, theoretically speaking, with scholars from other schools that the period of animation is 120
days, but assume that the embryo is intended to become a complete human being and that the germ
of life is sacrosanct from the moment the fertilized egg cell nestles itself into the uterus. Many jurists
from the Hanafitic school allowed abortion up until the end of the fourth month. Some even allowed it
to take place without the husband’s permission, provided the reason was sufficiently important. Many
Hanbalitic and Shafi’itic scholars went along with the Hanafitic scholars’ tolerant attitude to a large
extent, but often limited the period within which a legal abortion was still possible to forty or fifty
days. We can therefore regard Islamic religion in this area as reasonably tolerant.
> 99
When we link the Qur’anic verse “He or she who finds himself in
an emergency will not be committing a sin if he or she applies
something which is not allowed” (2:173) to the prophetic
pronouncement “Abortion is only allowed when the woman’s life
is at risk”, it becomes clear that abortion is allowed in the case of
rape. “Since”, Muslim scholars said as far back as centuries ago,
“a woman does not only consist of a material body, but also of a
spiritual body.” For rape victims, the pregnancy which may come
about as a result is unbearable. Rape victims require spiritual help
from the initial period following the terrible ordeal and for years
afterwards. It is highly desirable to provide immediate medical
assistance to victims. A doctor should examine victims for any
venereal disease, Aids, the likelihood of pregnancy, etc. Timely
assistance and taking action is called for. It will be much more
difficult to answer the question about “rape within a marriage”
since, due to the privacy of Muslim families, we are much less
aware of what goes on in this area than in the relative openness
of Western family life.
> 101
In practice, this ablution is performed after the example of the
Prophet, namely as follows: Say the words bismillãhir-rahmãn-ir-rahïm
(in the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful) and then wash:
1 The hands three times, interlocking fingers so that the fingers of one hand
cleanse the part which lies between the fingers of the other hand. While
doing so, contemplate the reasons for performing the wüdhü and beg Allah
for purity.
2 Rinses the mouth three times and clean the teeth with a miswãk, a brush
or, if need be, a finger.
3 Wash the nose three times by sniffing some water in and out.
4 Then, wash the face three times, from the hairline to below the chin and
from ear to ear. If you have a beard, comb it with a damp hand.
5 Subsequently, wash the arms up to and including the elbows three times,
starting with the right arm.
6 Then, using damp hands, wet at least a quarter of your head. It is best to
cover the whole of the head using both hands, starting from the forehead
and back again.
7 Without stopping, continue washing the ears by massaging the inside with
your index finger and the outside with your thumbs. You are allowed to
wash your fingers again.
9 Then, wash the feet and ankles three times, starting with the right foot.
Meaning:
Oh Allah! I truly wish to perform the major ablution, to cleanse
myself of that which I abhor and which is impure. Oh Allah! Cleanse
my heart and my body of impurity and that, which provokes
abhorrence.
> 105
Further reading
Bommel, A. van, Handboek Islam en de rechten van
vrouwen [Handbook Islam and Women’s Rights]. Handboek
voor empowerment van moslimvrouwen [Handbook for the
Empowerment of Muslim Women]. 3 vols.
Forum Utrecht, Bulaaq Amsterdam, 2005.
> 107
> Further surfing <
Further surfing
www.soaaids.nl www.veiligehaven.nl www.pharos.nl
STI AIDS Netherlands is the For boys and girls with an A knowledge centre for
national expertise centre in the ethnic background and refugees, migrants and health.
area of HIV and other STIs. homosexual, bisexual, lesbian
or transgender feelings. www.rng.nl
www.maroc.nl A knowledge centre in the area
A website for young Moroccan- www.forum.nl of sexuality.
Dutch people. The Islam and A national expertise centre
Sexuality subsite on Maroc.nl in the area of multicultural www.coc.nl
provides information on love, development. Brings out An organization which
relationships and sexuality, but several publications in the area promotes the integration of
also on Islam. of relationships and sexuality homosexuality.
and the role which Islam plays
www.lokum.nl here. See: the bibliography.
A website for young Turkish-
Dutch people. On the Seni www.yoesuf.nl
Seviyorum subsite, you will A knowledge centre for Islam
find information on love, and sexual diversity.
relationships and sexuality, but
also on Islam. www.islamenburgerschap.nl
A steering group which
www.youXme.nl stimulates the debate on
A website for young Turks, norms, values and citizenship
Moroccans and Hindus which and the role which Islamic
provides information on organizations can play here.
sexuality and the social,
religious and societal aspects www.schorer.nl
of relationships and partner A knowledge centre for
choice. homosexuality and health.
> 109
> Glossary <
Glossary
Allah God Kaaba A cube-shaped building in Mecca
Al-istimna bil-yad Masturbation Khalifa The delegate of God
Al-wüdhü’ Minor ritual ablution Qur’an The book of revelations of Muslims
Ahãdith Prophetic tradition (plural of hadïth)
Aqdatü-Nikah Solemnization of a marriage Maghfirah Forgiveness
Aya A Qur’anic verse Miswãk A piece of wood by means of which you clean
your teeth
Bikr A virgin Muhammad The prophet of the Muslims, the receiver
Bismillãhir-rahmãn-ir-rahïm In the name of God, the of the Qur’an
Most Gracious, the Most Merciful Muslim Someone who subjects himself to God
> 111
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> 113
Colophon
Jongeren, seks en islam [Young people, sex and Islam]
is a publication of STI AIDS Netherlands.