Door to book deal with Forge for Moratorium.

The

Door 79 mass market edition of April's Clinical Trial

is on the Albertsons and Fred Meyer
bestseller lists, a "top-5 'lane-blocker' at
Safeway, and a "Rising Star" in the S.E.
Winter 2001-2002 aeionline.com News Group.
thewriterslifeline.com  AEI deal for Paul Grangaard’s for The
Grangaard Method: The Revolutionary Way
of Accumulating and Managing Retirement
Funds with Putnam-Perigee (John Duff).
 John Scott Shepherd's “Joe Somebody”
(starring Tim Allen, Julie Bowen, Jim
Belushi; directed by John Pasquin; produced
by Ken Atchity & exec prod Chi-Li Wong,
with Kopelson’s Matt Gross; see p. 10)
premiered 12/17 in Kansas City (p. 12) and
12/19 in Los Angeles, and hit theaters
nationwide 12/21. John’s Henry's List of
Wrongs has been sold to Japan and Germany
at the Frankfurt Book Fair. JSS has signed a
deal with Revolution Studios to write AEI
client Suzi Parker’s “Genie in a Bottle” (see
p. 12).
 Steve Alten was interviewed for two hours
on the Art Bell show, and appeared on
http://stygianstar.homestead.com/main.html.
His ADOPT-AN-AUTHOR program is now
being utilized by over 700 classrooms across
the country and will be featured in both
Barnes & Noble and Border's upcoming
Teacher Appreciation Events. Steve’s
forthcoming Goliath (20,000 Leagues
Under the Sea meets 2001; Tor) has been
sold by AEI/Baror to Germany and Japan at
the Frankfurt Book Fair.
 AEI deal for Gary Buffone’s Choking on
the Silver Spoon with ReganBooks (Cal
Morgan). Gary’s The Myth of Tomorrow
was sold to McGraw-Hill (Nancy Hancock).
 AEI deal for April Christofferson's
Moratorium and a second yet-untitled
thriller, with Forge (Natalia Aponte).Two-

1

 Gary and Joy Lundbergs' Marriage, for
Better not Worse was the subject of a major
feature in the Utah Standard Examiner on
September 1, 2001: "Book lists 'Fourteen
secrets to a Happy Marriage” p. 5). Their
Education Week address was chosen for
broadcast by BYU-TV.
 John Robert Marlow’s Nano has been
judged a finalist in the Nicholls Fellowship
competition.
 Rosalyn McMillan’s This Side of Eternity
made Billboard’s bestseller list. In the
September issue of Essence magazine,
Eternity is number three for fiction.
2
 AEI deal with Laurence Mark’s Productions
for Shirley Palmer’s Danger Zone.
Shirley’s Veiled Journey will be republished
by Mira in May 2002.
 AEI deal for Mary Taylor’s Art of
Seduction to Three Rivers/Random House
(Carrie Thornton).
To JSS: You talk faster than the human 
thumb.—10/20/01 telcon
I’m   paranoid,   but   I’m   an   optimist.   I’m   a 
paranoid   optimist.—K.M.,   9/22/01 
road 
It’s   natural.   They’re   treating   us   exactly 
like   the   50­lb   gorillas   we   are.—
9/11/01, Maple Grove, to CLW
I used to look younger, when I was younger.
—A. McK. 9/3/01, Curson
If I could live my life over I wouldn’t have 
time.—Bob Hope
I don’t have enough money to have a crutch 
on   my   shoulder.—John   Robert 
Marlow 11/17/01
Your grandson is so gorgeous you could 
eat him with a spoon.—CLW 
11/25/01, Curson
It's slave labor [screen writing] and what
do you get for it? A lousy fortune.--
S. N. Berhrman
You   had   me   at   “Get   Lost.”—Jack   Black, 
Shallow Hal
Hide whatever that new drug you have is…I like 
it.—Sam, “Life as a House”
KJA: Would you mind giving me a respectful bow?
KM: Not yet. Wait until I see box office.—12/3/01

JSS: I thought Joel was dating someone.
KJA:   He   is.   That’s   why   he’s   late.   He 
stopped by to date her on the way 
over.—8/3/01 Curson

All true lovers have spirits too free. It keeps us 
fastened eternally to ecstasy and the wild flashing 
colors of pain.—Erin Kamler, Runway Sixty-Nine

You have something that is not derivative. 
Don’t push it till it is.—Terence M. 
to JRM, 11/19/01

Do not forget: A man needs little to lead a 
happy life.—Marcus Aurelius

Death  is  when  you don’t eat molasses & 

chips   anymore.—Jack   Kerouac, 
diary, quoted in Atlantic November 
1998

Warren   Z.:   They’re   taking   my   blood   for 

another test.
KJA: Come on, everyone in town knows you 
don’t have blood.—8/3/01 telcon

I look like an innocent Asian girl…don’t I?—
K.M., 10/25/01, Broadway Diner, NYC

KJA: Have you been to one of those blow­job how­to 
parties?

Valarie P.: I don’t need to go to those parties.—
10/19/01­­Telcon

3
 Unfortunately, I found a parking ticket on 
the windshield of my shaded car, a 
twenty­five   dollar   penalty   for 
neglecting to move it by ten a.m. for 
the  street  sweeper,  even  though  it 
probably hadn’t come through yet
—since the road was filthy as ever. 
So now I owe twenty­five bucks for 
not   moving   in   time   for   someone 
that didn’t bother to show up at all. 
This is the crux of what is wrong 
with this world. We’re fucking with 
the   wrong   people   for   the   wrong 
reasons.—Jay   Ashkinos, 
Everything Else Is Real (MS)

4
Harvard? These guys never even finished  This motherfucker’s so cool when he goes to bed 
kindergarten. They were drafted.—Frenchie Fox,  sheep count him.—Mamet, “Heist”
“Small Time Crooks”
Men vs. Women
For a true writer each book should be a
new beginning where he tries again for Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like
something that is beyond attainment. grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep
He should always try for something them in the dark until they mature into something
you'd like to have dinner with. -- Kathleen Mifsud
that has never been done or that
others have tried and failed. The best way to get most husbands to do
--Ernest Hemingway something is to suggest that perhaps they're too
old to do it.
Justina S.: This is the smartest thing I’ve ever  -- Ann Bancroft
read. Fix it.—10/10/01 telcon with JRM
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are
Jan A.: We were authorized by you to be ourselves! completely equal partners," is talking about either a
law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby
KJA: But who knew this was you?—9/18/01 
I think men who have a pierced ear are better
Lorraine
material for marriage. They've experienced pain
and bought jewelry.-- Rita Rudner
When the hole becomes so deep that you can’t see 
out, how do you know which was is up?—Jay  Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half
Ashkinos, Everything Else (MS) shut afterwards.-- Benjamin Franklin

I could go farther if my body wasn’t there.—Sara A.  I was married by a judge. I should have asked

for a jury.-- George Burns
9/29, Lorraine
When women are depressed, they either eat or go
Guest: I loved the way you carried yourself across  shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole
the woman. different way of thinking.-- Elaine Boosler

May Sloan: You can’t carry yourself across the 
room. That’s basically not possible.—“Small 
Time Crooks”

Girl: Wait for me!

Jay: What, here?—Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back

Kill with a borrowed knife.—“36 Strategies”  
(Chinese) [via Robert Cantrell]

5
 At a party, one woman said to another, "Aren't
you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I
married the wrong man."-- Anonymous #1

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them

were just napping.-- Rita Rudner
[via Danny Aguillard]

If you are wise, you will mingle one thing 
with the other: not hoping without 
doubt, not doubting without hope.­­
Seneca

6
Take it easy, baby. That stuff will rot your   On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying
stomach lining. over the Parliament building is an American
flag.
But I get to drink it first.—“Heist”
 All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction"
are stuck on 4:20.
Be of good cheer; after sad and evil days   No word in the English language rhymes
hurries the happier hour of gentle  with month, orange, silver, or purple.
joy.—Sextus Propertius  “Dreamt" is the only English word that ends
in the letters "mt."
 All 50 states are listed across the top of the
What a small portion of infinite and  Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
immeasurable time is allotted to each of us. It is so   Almonds are a member of the peach family.
quickly swallowed up by eternity. How small is   Winston Churchill was born in a ladies'
the clod of earth on which you crawl about.  room during a dance.
 Maine is the only state whose name is just
Remember all these things and consider nothing  one syllable.
great but this: Do what Nature bids you, and   There are only four words in the English
suffer what Life brings.—Marcus Aurelius language which end in "dous": tremendous,
horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
Don’t even think about it. I will shock you so bad  Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de
your tongue will turn black.—can anyone identify Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de
this quote? Porciuncula."
 A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
Hindsight is like foresight without a future.  An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
—“Life Is a House”  Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
 In most advertisements, the time displayed
on a watch is 10:10.
Think You Know Everything?  Al Capone's business card said he was a
used furniture dealer.
 Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.  The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame
 Peanuts are one of the ingredients of Street were named after Bert the cop and
dynamite. Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a
 There are 293 ways to make change for a Wonderful Life."
dollar.  A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
 The average person's left hand does 56% of  A goldfish has a memory span of three
the typing. seconds.
 A shark is the only fish that can blink with  A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
both eyes.  It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes
 There are more chickens than people in the open.
world.  The giant squid has the largest eyes in the
 Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown world.
in New Jersey.  In England, the Speaker of the House is not
 The longest one-syllable word in the English allowed to speak.
language is screeched.

7
  The microwave was invented after a
researcher walked by a radar tube and a
chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
 Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
 The average person falls asleep in seven
minutes.
 There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf
ball.
 "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is
typed with only the left hand.
[via Danny A.]
 about what you think was right at the time. (beat)
Editing Hemingway was like wrestling with a
god.—Tom Jenks [via thewriterslifeline.com]
The miser does no one any good, but he treats 
himself worst of all.—Publius Syrus
KJA: Do you find most people who drive that way
are women?
K.M.: Definitely.
KJA: How do you explain it?
K.M.: Menstruation.—10/10/01, Wilshire Blvd
I’m not in any position to judge anyone, Will. It’s 
 
And what you’re willing to live with.—Hillary 
Seitz, “Insomnia” 

Kid: What’d you say to him? Peter O’Toole told me I should find a woman I hate, 
Brautigan: Oh, just intellectual chitchat among men  give her my house and skip the rest of it.—Ben 
of goodwill.—“Hearts in Atlantis” Affleck
Come on, don’t have willpower now!—A. McK.—
KJA: You didn’t think on your vacation?
9/3/Curson
Valarie P.: I didn’t think at all. All I did was read.
Julie G.: He hypnotized her. I’ve never seen a KJA: That’s says it all.
writer do that to another writer before.— V.P.: You’re not going to quote me on that!
Intermedia, 8/3/01
KJA: You’re doomed.—9/9/01 telcon
He lives doubly who also enjoys the past.—
Marcus Martial If you’re looking for pity, it’s in the dictionary 
between pathetic and pube.—“Slap Her, She’s 
And so, at this time, French” Lamar Damon & Robert Lee King
   I greet you.
Not quite as the world When evil times prevail, take care to 
   Sends greetings, preserve the serenity of your 
But with profound esteem heart.­­Horace
   And with the prayer September 11, 2001:
       That for you,
    Now and forever, TRY TO PRAISE THE MUTILATED WORLD
        The day breaks,
Try to praise the mutilated world.
And the shadows flee away. Remember June's long days,
    Take heaven.—John Robinson, Heaven on Earth,  and the wild strawberries, drops of wine, the dew.
MS The nettles that methodically overgrow
the abandoned homesteads of exiles.
You must praise the mutilated world.

8
You watched the stylish yachts and ships;
one of them had a long trip ahead of it,
while salty oblivion awaited others.
You've seen the refugees heading nowhere,
you've heard the executioners sing joyfully.
You should praise the mutilated world.
Remember the moments when we were together
in a white room and the curtain fluttered.
Return in thought to the concert where music flared.
You gathered acorns in the park in autumn
and leaves eddied over the earth's scars.
Praise the mutilated world
and the gray feather a thrush lost,
and the gentle light that strays and vanishes
and returns. [New Yorker, via KM]
I hate the fuckin’ Swiss. They make these little
clocks. Two cocksuckers come out and whack
each other on the head with fucking hammers.
What kind of sick mentality is that?—“Heist”
When I want to read a good book, I write
one.—Benjamin Disraeli
Don’t you want to hear my last words?
I just did.—“Heist”   
I’ll be as quiet as an ant pissing on cotton.
I don’t want you to be as quiet as an ant pissing on
cotton. I want you to be as quiet as an ant not even
thinking of pissing on cotton. –“Heist”
Money has never made anyone rich.—Seneca
KJA: Congrats on your first porn film.
Warren Z.: Isn’t it great publicity?
KJA: Plus great extra income.
Warren Z.: I had nothing to do with it, I
swear.
KJA: Sure. 8/5/01 telcon
Just as the office worker dreams of murdering
his hated boss and so is saved from really
9
murdering him, so it is with the author; with his
great dreams he helps his readers to survive, to
avoid their worst intentions. And society,
without realizing it ... respects and even exalts
him, albeit with a kind of jealousy, fear and even
repulsion, since few people want to discover the
horrors that lurk in the depths of their souls.
This is the highest mission of great literature,
and there is no other. --Ernesto Sábato (b. 1911),
Argentinian novelist, essayist. Independent
(London, June 20, 1992) [via JSS]
He’s getting pasty-looking like someone who’s
been feeding exclusively on is ego.
Everywhere chance reigns, just cast out 
your line and where you least 
expect it, there waits a fish in the 
swirling waters.­­Ovid
LIFE'S LAWS
1. The two most common elements in the universe
are hydrogen and stupidity
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for
you.
3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes
misery easier to live with.
4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this
bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally
ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than
a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a
unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research
causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will
forget your book.
11. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test,
you will forget where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first
time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is
simply to serve as a warning to others.
14. TJ's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty
than brains because the average man can see better
than he can think.
comes due.” But Bill still trembled in the presence
of this powerful, yet portable insrument.” And as
for this,” the Devil continued, “it’s merely a
convenience. You have no idea of the paperwork
generated by the selling of even one soul.” With
that he tapped again and a second machine began
spewing a fully formed contract of servitude. The
terms called for a prosperous period equal to Bill’s
life of misfortune to date plus five, twenty-five
years in total. It was decided Bill’s fortune was to
come at the hands of the very object that had caused
his great fright, in par because the Devil saw Bill’s
fascination with the product and also because the
Devil was a fan of irony, O. Henry being the first
author he ever signed. The deal was consummated
with saliva rather than blood, a final generosity
extended on account of Bill’s squeamish nature, it
being common knowledge he became nauseous
even cutting his toenails.—“The Devil and William
Gates,” Jon Stewart, “Naked Pictures of Famous
People.”

16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have

little or no influence on society.

17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by

moving from where you left them to where you
can't find them.

18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is

that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Bill entered the bedroom with trepidation.

He knew the Devil lorded it over an empire of
unspeakable evil, and had also caused Flip Wilson’s
Geraldine to do some incredibly sassy things. But
today the Devil was all business. The fiend pulled
out a rectangular object, no bigger than a common
notebook, flipped it open and tapped a pointed
finger onto its lettered keyboard. The doohickey
hummed to life and Ol’ Bill about jumped through a
window in fright. “Spare my life, Satan, I’ll serve
you however you please!” implored Bill, cowering
from the eerie luminescence of the machine’s face.
“Fear not,” the Beast said calmly, “For you have
many years of prosperity ahead, before your bill

10
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