Series 7 Episode 15 – The
What are the
Locomotive Manipulation
Scene: The apartment.
Amy: Item 28, your pet name for me.
Time’s running out on this. You need to
make a decision.
Sheldon: I submitted you a notarised list.
Amy: I’m sorry, but Gollum and Flakey are
not acceptable.
Sheldon: Well, you don’t like Princess
Corncob, you don’t like Fester, you’re just
impossible to please.
Amy: We’ll come back to that one. This
brings us to the final item in our annual
State of the Relationship Summit. Item 29,
Valentine’s Day.
Sheldon: Ah, the worst for last. Hmm.
Classic Flakey.
Amy: Before you get upset, I believe I’ve
come up with a way for us to celebrate the
occasion that we both can enjoy.
Sheldon: People usually start a meeting
with a joke, but you go ahead, end with
one.
Amy: I propose we spend a weekend at a
bed-and-breakfast in Napa Valley.
Sheldon: I hate every word in that
sentence. Including in, at, we and a.
Amy: Come on, Sheldon. Why not?
Sheldon: For starters, a bed-and-breakfast
forces you to eat with strangers at your
table.
Amy: One step ahead of you, Bernadette
and Wolowitz are going with us.
Sheldon: Oh, very well.
sleeping arrangements? We’ve only been
dating for three years. If we were to share
a room, people might talk.
Amy: I got you your own room.
Sheldon: What if my room has a claw-foot
bathtub?
Amy: It doesn’t. I know it makes you feel
like you’re bathing inside a monster.
Sheldon: Look, I appreciate the effort, but
I’m still unclear how this trip is supposed to
be enjoyable for me.
Amy: We’re going to have Valentine’s Day
dinner on a fully functioning vintage train.
Sheldon: Vintage? Be specific.
Amy: An Alcoa FA-4 diesel locomotive
leading a train of meticulously restored
1915 Pullman first-class coaches.
Sheldon: Wow. I’m feeling the urge to hug
you. And one, and two, all right, Gollum,
we’re good.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Bernadette: Are you sure you guys don’t
want to come with us to Napa? You could
probably still get a room.
Penny: No, I think we’re just gonna have a
quiet weekend at home.
Leonard: Plus, I’m not sure it’s a great idea
to take Penny to where wine comes from.
What? It’s a joke. Oh, come on. We bust on
each other. I wear dorky glasses, you might
have a problem, it’s all for laughs.
Penny: That would really piss me off if I
didn’t have a buzz going on.
Sheldon: Howard, which pocket watch will
you be wearing for dinner on the train?
Howard: I’m sorry, what?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m afraid if we wear the
same pocket watch, it will be
embarrassing.
Howard: I don’t own a pocket watch.
Sheldon: Oh, my. Well, then my apologies
for bringing up this sore spot.
Raj: Since you two are gonna be around for
Valentine’s, would you mind watching
Cinnamon?
Penny: You have Valentine’s plans? Which
came out sounding way more surprised
than I meant. Here, let me try that again.
You have Valent… See? I can’t do it.
Raj: I don’t have plans which is why I
booked time on the big telescope that
night.
Amy: Well, an evening looking at the stars,
that’s still kind of romantic.
Raj: Except I’ll be alone.
Amy: I’m trying to put lipstick on a pig
here. Work with me.
Leonard: We’d be happy to watch
Cinnamon.
Penny: Yeah.
Raj: Thank you. Oh, and I’d like for at least
one of us to see some action, so if you guys
happen to have sex, it’s cool if she stays in
the room.
Penny: Hey, same goes for the two of you
with Amy.
Scene: The Pullman dining car.
Amy: What do you think, Sheldon?
Sheldon: It’s magnificent. This is going to
be the best Valentine’s Day ever.
Amy: I’m so glad you like it.
Sheldon: I’m prepared to say I love it, as
soon as I confirm there are no hobos
aboard.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard (on phone): Okay. Raj, I got it.
Bye. (To Cinnamon) That was your daddy.
He wanted me to say that he misses… Why
am I doing this?
Penny: Happy Valentine’s Day.
Leonard: Ooh, flowers and chocolates?
Somebody’s trying to get me out of my
panties.
Penny: Don’t be surprised if you find five
chocolates missing and three gross coconut
ones with a bite taken out. It came that
way when I bought it.
Leonard: Got you a little something, too.
Penny: Aw, jewellery. Oh, my God, Lakers
tickets?
Leonard: It gets better. Instead of me, you
can take someone who will actually enjoy
it.
Penny: Aw. You are the best boyfriend
ever.
Leonard: Thank you. Seriously, please don’t
make me go.
Penny: Should we take this little party to
the bedroom?
Leonard: Mm, don’t have to, we have the
whole place to ourselves.
Penny: Oh, that’s true.
Leonard: In fact, if you want, we can do it
right here on Sheldon’s spot.
Penny: That is the least sexy thing anyone’s
ever said to me.
Leonard: To the bedroom.
Penny: Yeah.
Scene: The dining car.
Waiter: And for the entrée, tonight’s
special is a seafood risotto. Do you have
any questions?
Sheldon: Uh, I do. Uh, does this train car
have the original link-and-pin coupler or
the Miller Hook and Platform?
Waiter: I’m sorry, I meant questions about
the food.
Sheldon: Oh, of course. Um, is the seafood
risotto being served on a train car with the
original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller
Hook and Platform?
Amy: Uh, I think we’re gonna need a
minute.
Man in seat behind: Fun fact, it’s neither.
They actually use the AAR type E coupler. If
you listen carefully when the locomotive
disconnects, you’ll hear the characteristic
click-pshht-thunk of the knuckle.
Sheldon: Get out of town.
Howard: Fun fact, I’m gonna jump off this
train.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, Cinnamon, guess who just
did it human style.
Penny: Oh, my God.
Leonard: It’s a little late, but I’ll take it.
Penny: No, Cinnamon ate the chocolates.
That’s really bad for dogs.
Leonard: Oh, crap. What are we gonna do?
Penny: We gotta get her to a vet right now.
Leonard: I don’t have a vet. I have a
podiatrist, an optometrist, an allergist, a
dermatologist, a urologist. You’d think I’d
have a vet.
Penny: Okay. There’s one not far from
here. Come on. Let’s go.
Leonard: Okay. Koothrappali was right. We
should have let her watch.
Scene: The dining car.
Sheldon: Do another one, do another one.
Man: Okay. Here’s my impression of the
Amtrak Acela barreling down the Eastern
Corridor. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-
wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-
shhhh.
Sheldon: It’s like there’s a train in your
mouth. Howard: Oh, yeah. I’ve got one.
Um, the Amtrak Wolverine coming into
Chicago. Bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch,
bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch. Ooo-ooo.
Man: I’ve been on that train. And I just was
again.
Amy: See if you guys can guess this one.
Bang. Splat. Thud.
Sheldon: How many trains have you been
on?
Man: Tons. A box fell on my head at UPS six
years ago. Now I just collect disability and
ride trains.
Sheldon: Wow. Your life’s amazing.
Man: Not always. A box fell on my head at
UPS six years ago. Now I just collect
disability and ride trains.
Amy: Why do I even try?
Bernadette: I’m gonna fix this right now.
Howard: Okay. Just make it look like an
accident.
Bernadette: Excuse me. You are at
Valentine’s dinner with your girlfriend.
Now get back over there and be with her.
Sheldon: You’re right. That was insensitive
of me. I have to go back to my table now.
You should join us.
Man: All right.
Bernadette: Great. Now there’s two of ’em.
Scene: A vet’s surgery.
Lady Vet: How much chocolate did she eat?
Penny: A whole box.
Leonard: Well, to be fair, you ate a lot of it
before you gave it to me.
Penny: So the point is I may have saved her
life.
Vet: I’m sorry, is this a joke to you?
Leonard: No. Maybe to her.
Vet: How big a box of chocolate was it?
Penny: Uh, something like this. I don’t
know. It came free with a full tank of gas.
Leonard: Really? Do you know how much
those Lakers tickets were?
Penny: Do you know how much gas is?
Vet: Hey.
Penny: Sorry.
Leonard: Sorry.
Raj: Oh, my God, Cinnamon, are you okay?
I can’t believe you two. You do whatever it
takes to save her life. If she needs new
organs, I’ll buy any dog necessary and
scrap them for parts.
Vet: You’re the owner?
Raj: Owner, father, soul mate, and if
anything happens to her, your worst
nightmare.
Vet: Well, she’s not throwing up, which is a
good sign. So, I’m gonna take her in back,
put her on fluids and give her something to
absorb the toxins.
Raj: Okay. Okay, thank you. Oh, if she’s
scared, you can sing to her. She likes Katy
Perry. Oh, but don’t do Firework, that gets
her all riled up.
Vet: Got it. Should have been a dentist.
Scene: The dining car.
Man: Okay, what was the best four-ten-
four U.S. Locomotive ever built?
Sheldon: Trick question. There never was
one.
Man: Or was there?
Sheldon: What?
Man: In 1944, the Pacific Railroad built
number 6131, which rearranged the drivers
and cylinders, solving the problem of the
Q-1, creating a duplex-drive four-four-six-
four.
Sheldon: In what world is a four-four-six-
four a four-ten-four?
Howard: A world I don’t want to live in.
Seriously, I no longer want to live in this
world.
Man: Hold on to your conductor’s hat. You
crank the second and third axles, creating a
pair of internal connecting rods, and boom,
four-ten-four. If you think about it, the Q-2
was like the four-ten-four America never
made.
Sheldon: I may never stop thinking about
it. Amy, what are the odds we run into this
guy?
Waiter: Better than you think.
Man: You know, if you ask nicely, they’ll let
you visit the engine room.
Sheldon: I never want this day to end.
Amy: It’s feeling like it never will.
Sheldon: Come on.
Man: Hey, did I tell you what happened to
me at UPS?
Scene: The vets surgery.
Raj: As if Valentine’s Day wasn’t bad
enough, you try to kill my dog? And with
cheap chocolate, no less?
Penny: It wasn’t cheap. It was free.
Leonard: We’re really sorry. It was an
accident.
Penny: Yeah, we weren’t even out of the
room that long.
Leonard: Oh, no, come on. It was a while. It
was a while.
Raj: Oh, is Cinnamon gonna be okay?
Vet: She’s responding well. We just want to
keep her a little longer for observation.
Raj: All right. Uh, would, would it be okay
for me to see her? We’re usually in bed by
now, and I want her to know that I’m here.
Yes, we sleep together, and sometimes we
spoon.
Vet: It’s okay. I sleep with my dog, too.
We’re not supposed to let people in back,
but I think I can make an exception.
Raj: Thank you.
Vet: Come on. By the way, I sang her Katy
Perry.
Raj: Oh, yeah?
Vet: And I don’t care what that obnoxious
parrot back there says. I crushed it.
Penny: I think there’s something going on
between the two of them.
Leonard: Maybe, but you also think nine
minutes isn’t a while, so what do you
know?
Scene: The dining car.
Howard: You okay?
Amy: Why? Because my boyfriend’s off
playing choo-choo with some weirdo?
Howard: Well, to be fair, they’re both
weirdos.
Amy: I don’t know what made me think
tonight would be any different.
Bernadette: Well, just the fact that you got
him up here still says a lot. To be honest, I
bet Howie 200
bucks it wasn’t gonna happen.
Howard: I’m going to the Lego store to get
a big-ass R2-D2.
Bernadette: See? It’s not just Sheldon.
They’re all idiots.
Howard: She’s right.
Bernadette: So, your boyfriend’s a fixer-
upper. Most of them are. I mean, look at
this guy. You think he came like this? When
I met him, he was a hot, goofy mess. Now,
he’s been to space. That’s all me.
Howard: I had a little to do with it.
Bernadette: Oh, sure you did. Who’s
Mama’s big space man?
Howard: I am.
Scene: The vets surgery.
Leonard: They’ve been in there, like, half
an hour.
Penny: Yeah, for future reference, that’s a
while.
Leonard: How long should we stay?
Penny: I don’t know. I’m kind of hungry.
Leonard: I saw a Thai place next door.
Penny: Oh. Okay. Oh. Oh. Hey.
Leonard: How’s she doing?
Penny: How is everything?
Leonard: Yeah.
Raj: She’s gonna be okay; they’re gonna let
me take her home.
Penny: Oh, good.
Vet: So I want you to keep a close eye on
her for the next 24 hours. Here are a few
warning signs to look out for, and if you see
any of them, don’t hesitate to call.
Raj: Oh. Thank you for taking such good
care of my little girl.
Vet: My pleasure. Have a nice night.
Leonard: Yes, thank you for all your help.
Penny: Yeah. I’m sorry if you didn’t think
we were taking it seriously. We love
animals.
Vet: Oh, do you guys own any pets?
Penny: No.
Vet: Good.
Scene: The dining car.
Howard: I love you so much.
Bernadette: I love you, too.
Howard: Sorry.
Bernadette: Sorry.
Man: You guys missed a pretty great time.
Sheldon: The conductor and I have the
same pocket watch.
Man: It was crazy.
Sheldon: Dare I say loco? Oh, and, Amy,
guess what? The conductor said as soon as
he gets off work, he can come back to the
bed and breakfast and play his banjo for us.
Amy: Okay. I need to speak to my
boyfriend in private, like, right now.
Howard: There’s a car with a glass roof.
Want to go look at the stars?
Bernadette: Oh, that sounds so romantic.
Amy: Oh, give it a rest.
Bernadette: Let’s go.
Amy: Why are you still here?
Sheldon: Excuse me. I think you’re being a
little rude.
Amy: I’m being rude? You’ve been rude to
me this entire evening.
Sheldon: How is that possible? I’ve hardly
spoken to you since we got on the train.
Man: I’m detecting a little friction between
you two, and I don’t want to be a third rail.
Get it?
Sheldon: I get it.
Amy: Leave.
Sheldon: What is your problem?
Amy: It’s Valentine’s Day. We’re supposed
to be having a romantic weekend.
Sheldon: Oh, really? Because I remember
you saying that this trip was going to be
something we could both enjoy. Did you
mean that, or were you just trying to trick
me?
Amy: Fine, it’s true. I deserve romance, and
I didn’t know how else to make it happen.
Sheldon: Well, if you want romance, then
let’s have romance. Oh, look, there’s wine.
Mmm. Grape juice that burns. Uh, now
let’s gaze into each other’s eyes, hmm?
You blinked. I win.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Let’s see. What’s next? Oh,
kissing’s romantic.
Amy: That was nice.
Sheldon: Good. Um, the conductor said if I
come back to the engine room, he’d show
me how to bring the train through a
crossing.
Amy: Okay, have fun.
Sheldon: Do you want to come with me?
Amy: Really? I do.
Man: Hey, guys, wait up.
Scene: Raj’s apartment.
Raj: There you go. All cozy wozy. Here, let’s
see what the doctor says to keep an eye
out for. Hmm. Rajesh, I was dreading
Valentine’s Day. Thank you for spending it
with me. Yvette. Cinnamon, she-she gave
me her phone number. If I’d known it was
that easy, I would have considered
poisoning you months ago. Oh, what
should I say? Oh, I know. I’ll point out her
name’s Yvette, and that she’s a vet. That’s
hysterical. She’ll love it.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: Oh, hey. You’re back. How was
your trip?
Sheldon: It was wonderful.
Leonard: Great. What did you do?
Sheldon: I made a new friend who likes
trains as much as I do, uh, I kissed Amy on
the lips, and, uh, the conductor played his
banjo for me. Good night.
Leonard: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I’m gonna need more details.
Sheldon: Oh, well, my new friend’s name
was Eric. Um, Amy lips tasted like the
brownie we had for dessert. Oh, and the
banjo-playing conductor was missing a
finger, but he made up for it with his can-
do attitude.
Leonard: No, hang on. Hang on. Are all
those things equal to you?
Sheldon: Hmm. It never occurred to me to
pick a favourite.
Leonard: Well, give it a go.
Sheldon: I can’t answer that without
collecting additional data.

Leonard: Additional data. You dog.

Sheldon: I’m not sure how listening to

other nine-fingered banjo players makes
me dog, but all right.