Series 7 Episode 16 – The
Table Polarisation
Scene: The apartment
Howard: I’m thinking about growing a
goatee.
Raj: Oh, actually that’s a Van Dyke. A
goatee is just hair on the chin.
Leonard: Oh. Wait, then what is it if you
just have hair up here?
Raj: You mean a moo-stache?
Leonard: Moo-stache.
Howard: He said it.
Raj: Ha-ha, very funny. Make fun of the
foreign guy. For your information, there
are four times as many Indians as there are
Americans, so the way we say it is right.
Howard: Say what?
Raj: Moo-stache.
Leonard: Moo-stache.
Howard: He said it.
Bernadette: Guys, you’re being childish.
Sheldon: Yeah, she’s right. You’re grown
men, the kind who are perfectly capable of
growing your own moo-staches.
Amy: Hey, you were funny on purpose,
good job.
Penny: Hi. Sorry I’m late, I was at an
audition.
Leonard: Oh, I’m sorry.
Sheldon: You’ll get ’em next time.
Penny: How about instead of assuming I
failed, you ask me how it went?
Leonard: Sorry. How did it go?
Penny: Just shut up.
Raj: Here, you can have your seat.
Penny: No, no, no, stay there. I’m fine on
the floor.
Bernadette: Have you guys ever thought
about getting a dining room table?
Amy: Yeah. You actually do have room for
one up there.
Raj: Oh, sure, I sit on the floor for years, no
one cares. The pretty white girl’s there ten
seconds, and suddenly we’re all running to
IKEA.
Sheldon: No one is running anywhere.
We’re not getting a dining room table.
Leonard: I know you don’t like change, but
it’s not a terrible idea.
Penny: Yeah, you guys never use that space
up there. Why not get a table?
Sheldon: Do you want the long answer or
the short answer?
Howard: Hey, how come we never get that
option?
Sheldon: Chaos theory suggests that even
in a deterministic system, if the equations
describing its behaviour are non-linear, a
tiny change in the initial conditions can
lead to a cataclysmic and unpredictable
result.
Penny: Translation?
Leonard: Waah. I don’t want a table.
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, Penny and I are gonna go
shop for a dining room table. You want to
come with us?
Sheldon: You know, I’d love to, but, um,
I’m too busy falling back in love with
Windows 98.
Leonard: Seriously? You haven’t used this
desk in years. The second I want to get rid
of it, you’re up here working?
Sheldon: I can’t talk right now, I have
several thousand updates to install.
Leonard: Are you really gonna sit here all
day?
Sheldon: Think of me as Arthur Dent in
Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, lying in
front of the bulldozers to protect his home.
Leonard: If you’ll recall, the Vogon fleet
blew up the Earth anyway.
Sheldon: It’s a made-up story, Leonard, I
don’t even know why you’re talking about
it.
Leonard: I’m putting all this stuff in
storage. We don’t need any of it.
Sheldon: You, how can you say that? You
show me one thing in here we can live
without.
Leonard: Oh, hang on. Check your in-box.
Sheldon: Wait. Is this really worth it?
We’ve lived together for years with nary an
argument.
Leonard: Huh?
Sheldon: But we start talking about a table,
and suddenly we’re at each other’s throats.
Leonard: Nary an argument? Nary?
Sheldon: Well, that means not one, or not
any. Maybe instead of a table, you should
buy a dictionary. Well, I don’t know if I won
that, but at least he’s upset.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s
apartment.
Howard: Check it out.
Raj: Magic wand TV remote?
Howard: Yeah, I can control all sorts of
stuff.
Raj: Did Bernadette think it was cool?
Howard: Not when I said mute and pointed
it at her face.
Raj: Oh, uh, let me try. Uh, channelis
changeroni. This might be my second
favorite brown magic wand.
Howard: Well, that’s the last time I play
with that. (Phone rings) I have to take this.
Hello? 00:04:24,137
Raj: Uh, off. And on. And the Oprah
Network. This is so much better than
watching TV like a muggle.
Howard: Okay. Thank you. We’ll be in
touch. You’re not gonna believe this.
Raj: What’s going on? Oh. Wait. On. And
off. What’s going on?
Howard: That was NASA. They want me to
go back up to the space station.
Raj: Wow. What did you tell them?
Howard: I told them I’d be honoured.
Raj: A second trip to space, I’ll miss you.
Howard: And I’m gonna miss you, too.
Raj: And I just want you to know, I’m happy
to look in on Bernadette while you’re gone.
Howard: Thank you.
Raj: And if anything were to happen to you,
we will name our first born son Howard.
I’m just kidding. We’ll name him Dalib,
after my grandfather.
Scene: A furniture store.
Penny: Ooh, this one looks nice.
Leonard: No. Sheldon doesn’t like
reclaimed wood.
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: He’s afraid the original owners
will come back.
Penny: Yeah. Well, Sheldon’s not here.
Leonard: Well, he is here. So unless you
want to dig him out with a bone saw and a
melon baller, there’s nothing I can do
about it.
Penny: All right, sweetie, you’re paying for
this table, and it’s your apartment, too.
Leonard: I know, but…
Penny: No buts. You got to stop letting him
boss you around.
Leonard: You’re right. I mean, he decides
what TV shows we watch, what food we
eat, who my favourite hobbit is. I wanted
Frodo, but we can’t both have Frodo, so
guess who’s stuck with Samwise Gamgee.
Penny: See? Right there. You’re a grown
man, you should be able to pick whichever
hobbit you want. Wish you wouldn’t, but
one problem at a time.
Leonard: You make a lot of sense. I like this
table, and I’m getting it.
Penny: Really? This one?
Leonard: That one? Damn right I like that
one.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s
apartment.
Bernadette: Hey.
Howard: Good news. Someone in this room
gets to take a ride on a rocket.
Bernadette: Fine. Can I at least shower
first?
Howard: No, not that. Although you
already agreed to it, so no take-backs.
Bernadette: What are you talking about?
Howard: Sit down. NASA called. The
telescope mount I installed on the space
station got damaged, and they want me to
go back up and fix it.
Bernadette: Wow. Well, what did you say?
Howard: What do you think I said? I said
yes. Why do you look surprised?
Bernadette: Well, it’s just, after last time, I
didn’t think you’d ever want to go back.
Howard: Are you kidding? It was the
greatest experience of my life.
Bernadette: Really? ‘Cause I kind of
remember a lot of complaining and wishing
for it to be over.
Howard: I think you have me confused with
what’s gonna happen when you get out of
that shower.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Hey, all set. What do you think?
There’s plenty of room for everybody, a
view out the window.
Sheldon: My spot on the couch has a great
view of a window. Sometimes I can see
space battles through it. It’s called a TV.
Penny: Give it a chance, Sheldon, you
might actually like it.
Sheldon: You’re absolutely right. Nope.
Penny: Well, you can’t say he didn’t give it
a fair shot.
Sheldon: So, when can we get rid of it?
Leonard: We’re not.
Sheldon: What about the roommate
agreement? It specifically states that any
changes in furnishing have to be approved
by the Furnishing Committee. Which only
sits on alternate years. Yeah, and by the
way, it sits over there.
Penny: Come on, that is ridiculous.
Leonard: She’s right, a committee that
important should meet more often.
Penny: That’s not what I’m saying.
Leonard: Oh. This is the thing about me
standing up to him and not letting him run
my life?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: That.
Sheldon: Okay. I think we’ve found the
problem here. It’s not the table at all. It’s
you.
Penny: Me?
Leonard: Well, it’s always me, take one for
the team.
Sheldon: I have spent years turning this
lump of clay into an acceptable conduit for
my will, and then you came along and
reshaped him, with your newfangled ideas
and your fancy genitals.
Penny: Are you gonna let him talk to me
like this?
Leonard: Fancy sounds like a compliment.
Penny: Okay, I have not tried to change
Leonard. That’s just what happens in
relationships. Look how much Amy’s
changed you.
Sheldon: That’s not true.
Penny: Oh, please. When I first met you,
you were incapable of touching another
human being. Now you’re holding hands,
you’re going on dates, you even made out
with her on a train.
Sheldon: She told you?
Penny: Of course she told me, it’s the most
interesting thing that’s ever happened to
her in her entire life.
Leonard: You’re too close to it, but Amy
has had a huge impact on you.
Sheldon: You’re right. Without realizing it,
I’ve allowed that woman to alter my
personality.
Leonard: Mm, Sheldon, you didn’t have a
personality, you just had some shows you
liked.
Sheldon: No. No, I’ve changed. Like the
frog who’s put in a pot of water that’s
heated so gradually he doesn’t realize he’s
boiling to death.
Penny: Or you’re the frog who’s been
kissed by a princess and turned into a
prince.
Leonard: Or you’re just a tall, annoying
frog.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I have to break up
with my girlfriend.
Penny: Oh, Sheldon, wait.
Sheldon: No. You’ve opened my eyes to the
truth. Amy has made me a more
affectionate, open-minded person. And
that stops now.
Leonard: Well, we should call her.
Penny: Yeah, mm-hmm. Amy, it’s Penny.
Hey. Just a little heads-up. Leonard bought
a dining room table. Yeah. Sheldon’s
breaking up with you.
Scene: Amy’s apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock,
knock) Amy? (Knock, knock,
knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock)Amy? I’ll
get right to the point. I think we need to
end this relationship, so just sign this with
your finger, and, uh, please don’t cry on my
iPad, I didn’t get AppleCare.
Amy: I’m not surprised you want to end the
relationship. I’m a little surprised you
didn’t get AppleCare. Anyway, enjoy your
life. Where do I sign?
Sheldon: At the bottom. I must say, I’m
relieved you’re not making more of a scene
out of this.
Amy: Oh, I’ve already moved on. Besides,
this breakup has nothing to do with me.
Sheldon: It doesn’t?
Amy: Of course not. This is just Leonard
trying to take the focus off that dreadful
table by sowing discord in our relationship.
He’s manipulating you like he always does.
Sheldon: Wait, wait, now, hang on. You
think he manipulates me?
Amy: All the time. And he knew that, as
your girlfriend, I wasn’t gonna stand by and
let him bring a table into your apartment. I
mean, a table? Come on?
Sheldon: It is hideous.
Amy: Well, thankfully, I won’t have to see
it, ’cause I won’t be your girlfriend
anymore. Amy Farrah Fowler. Why, yes, I
would like to take a survey.
Sheldon: Wait. You were really gonna
stand by me against the dining room table?
Amy: Of course I was.
Sheldon: Wait. How do I know that you’re
not manipulating me right now?
Amy: I think if I were manipulating you,
you’d be smart enough to see it.
Sheldon: How do I know you’re not saying
that as part of the manipulation?
Amy: I think you’d be smart enough to see
that, too.
Sheldon: Okay. I’m sorry I gave you such a
hard time, I just had to be sure.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s
apartment.
Raj: It’s pretty exciting that NASA wants to
send Howard back up.
Bermadette: Yeah, exciting. Can I ask you
something?
Raj: Course.
Bernadette: He hated that entire
experience. Does it make me an awful wife
if I don’t think he should do it again?
Raj: Not at all. He’s forgotten how
miserable he was the entire time he was
up there. It’s like me in those moments
when I miss India.
Bernadette: So you’ll talk to him?
Raj: Why me?
Bernadette: Well, I’m his wife, I don’t want
to ruin it for him.
Raj: That’s the dynamic, I’m the fun one,
you’re the buzzkill.
Bernadette: Since when am I the buzzkill?
Raj: Do you think this is cool?
Bernadette: No, I think it’s stupid.
Raj: Aha.
Bernadette: You’re right, it’s great.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: Oh, hey. You guys didn’t break up.
Sheldon: No. Sorry to disappoint you, but
Amy pointed out that you were only trying
to manipulate me.
Amy: Which you also figured out by
yourself.
Sheldon: Which I also figured out by
myself.
Penny: Well, I’m glad you’re still together.
Sheldon: Yeah, okay, you can stop trying to
make this about our relationship.
Amy: Which is stronger than ever.
Sheldon: Which is stronger than ever. This
is about you trying to change my
environment, which was perfect the way it
was.
Howard: But it got the way it was through
change. The-the-the spot that you love to
sit in, that no one else can sit in, only exists
because, despite your objections. I bought
this couch. Me. So explain why that change
was bad and this change was good.
Sheldon: Um.
Amy: You don’t need to explain yourself to
him.
Sheldon: I don’t need to explain myself to
you!
Amy: You’re sick of his nonsense and ready
to move in with me.
Sheldon: Keep the table. We don’t use that
space.
Amy: Damn it, I got cocky.
Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s
apartment.
Howard: Hey, Bernie. I’m home. Hello.
Bernadette: Hi, honey.
Howard: What’s going on?
Bernadette: Maybe you should have a seat.
Howard: Um, okay. I know my mom’s not
dead, there’d be balloons.
Raj: Um, okay. First off, know that we all
love you and cherish you.
Mike Rostenkowski: Well, I wouldn’t…
Bernadette: Daddy.
Mike R: You’re great.
Mike Massimino (on skype): Can I say
something?
Raj: Oh, of course.
Mike M: Hey, Fruit Loops.
Howard: Massimino? Why are you here?
Mike M: Well, I heard you were thinking
about going back up to the space station,
and as someone who’s been there with
you, well, you know how astronauts need
to have the right stuff?
Howard: Sure.
Mike M: The stuff you have is wrong.
Howard: You don’t think I did a good job up
there?
Mike M: You did a fine job. It’s just, you
were scared and miserable the whole time.
Bernadette: I think what we’re all trying to
say is, you don’t seem to be remembering
how traumatic the experience was for you.
Raj: Like how women often forget the pain
of childbirth.
Mike R: Like a woman. Great analogy.
Howard: Fine, maybe I was a little scared.
Mike M: You peed in your space suit.
Howard: You’re supposed to do that.
Mike M: Not during the fitting.
Mike R: Son, do I need to remind you what
you asked me to do before you went up
last time?
Howard: Hang on. That was just me joking
around.
Mike R: You wanted me to shoot you in the
foot.
Howard: Come on, how is that not a joke?
You got to get me out of this. Shoot me in
the foot.
Bernadette: Don’t forget all the other
astronauts picking on you.
Raj: And how you threw up in zero gravity,
and it floated back in your mouth. And you
threw up again. And so on and so on.
Mike M: That was funny.
Howard: Okay, so I wasn’t exactly John
Glenn up there, but I’ve changed. I’m a
different man now. Yeah, and I’m a little
insulted that you guys don’t think I can
handle it.
Mike M: You know you’re gonna have to go
through survival training again.
Howard: Really?
Scene: A doctor’s surgery.
Howard: You’ve got to get me out of this.
Doctor: What do you want me to do?
You’re perfectly healthy.
Howard: Check my blood pressure again. I
can get it higher. just give me a
second. (Dials phone)
Mrs Wolowitz (on phone): Hello?
Howard: Hi, Ma. How are you?
Mrs Wolowitz: How I am is not dead, but
you wouldn’t know that, because you don’t
love me enough to pick up the phone.
Howard: Go, go, go.
Mrs Wolowitz: For all you know, I could
have slipped in the tub and drowned.
That’s what happened to your Aunt Ida.
Doctor: Wow.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Howard, I’m so sorry your blood
pressure was off the charts.
Howard: Oh, me, too. I mean, the doctor
was willing to fudge the results, but it just
seemed so darned dishonest.
Leonard: But the mission wouldn’t be for at
least a year. Isn’t that enough time to get
your blood pressure under…
Howard: Look, my blood pressure’s too
high, okay? Drop it.
Penny: You know, my aunt changed her
diet, and in a few months, she…
Howard: Went to space? I don’t think so.
Now, pass the soy sauce. Hey, not the
green one, the red one.
Penny: Sheldon, Amy, will you please come
join us?
Bernadette: Yeah, it’s fun up here.
Leonard: So why are you trying to ruin it?
Sheldon: No, thanks. We’re fine. I mean, if
you people want to eat at the table, then
that’s what you should do. I like eating
down here because this is how we’ve
always done things. But if those days are
gone, they’re gone. It just makes me sad.
Bernadette: Now I feel bad.
Leonard: Oh, don’t anthropomorphize him,
he’s got big eyes, but his feelings are not
like ours.
Bernadette: No, it just seems silly for us to
sit in two groups.
Leonard: Well, it’s not silly if you think of
that group as being led by a big, evil baby.
Bernadette: Look at Amy down there.
Should we go?
Penny: Yeah, let’s go.
Leonard: But Penny, this was your idea.
You said that I should stand up to him.
Penny: Forget it, Leonard. It’s over.
Leonard: Fine.
Amy: Rajesh?
Raj: Screw that! I sat on the floor for seven
years. I’m staying right here.
Bernadette: Come on, Raj, it’s not the
same without you.
Raj: Fine. But no more making fun of how I
say tings.
Howard: You mean tings like moo-stache?
Sheldon: Well, isn’t this nice. Sometimes
the baby wins.