CJ Reed

Mrs. Anderson

English 111

September 28, 2017

Question: Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal

growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

It was a scorching hot day in June as I stepped through the old creaky door into London Commented [1]: Make it a clear story by separating
ideas into paragraphs. (a clear beginning, conflict, and
some form of resolution)
Bridge Baptist Church. I shivered as chills shot through my body, overwhelmed by the amount
Commented [2]: _Marked as resolved_
of animated chatter in the room. I scanned the room of joyous kids and couldn’t help but smile, Commented [3]: _Re-opened_

taking notice of the uniqueness of every one of them.

As I finished my scan, I took notice of two kids, who unlike the rest of the kids, were off

sitting by themselves, discluded from the rest of the Young Life Capernaum Summer Camp. Commented [4]: use the introduction to set up the
story without giving it away. Make the reader curious as
to where you are going.
Immediately, flashbacks raced through my head as I reminisce on my first day in highschool,
Commented [5]: _Marked as resolved_
feeling excluded from the predeveloped cliques. I immediately knew how the two campers must Commented [6]: _Re-opened_

be feeling, so I moseyed my way over to Graham. Eyes wide with nervousness, the lonely

camper noticed me coming over and curled up into as tight of a ball as possible, wanting nothing

more than to maintain his solitude. Motivated by the desire for him to enjoy his time at camp, I Commented [7]: I like this sentence, but would
consider re-wording it.. its structure is awkward
plopped down into the folding chair next to him. My heart sunk as my unsuccessful attempts to Commented [8]: _Marked as resolved_
Commented [9]: _Re-opened_
get him to talk got me no closer to knowing the high school boy. I stood up to go try my luck

with the other camper when Graham yanked surprisingly hard on my arm, pulling me back to

him. Grinning from ear to ear, I knew I had gotten through his stubbornness. The two of us

chummed it up, questioning one another about the other’s life and rapidly became best friends.
 Reed2

All of a sudden a hint of guilt hit me across the head; I had forgotten about the other kid!

Pulling Graham by my side, we hurried over. Unlike Graham, Brian eagerly accepted the

attempts of friendship. Eyes gleaming with the desire for companionship, the three of us instantly

connected. Graham and I found out everything there was to know about Brian, especially the fact

that he had a supermodel girlfriend. The three of us were inseparable, so much so that we

squeezed into a single rider water slide together, ignoring the rule against doing so. Nothing

could stop our shenanigans as the following day we ran amuck through the petting zoo, striking

fear into the heart of every goat in our paths. Commented [10]: bahaha - I love this image.

I loved every hour of adventure I spent with them. Nothing could top the feeling of true

friendship when they sprinted to me every morning, wrapping their loving arms around me. I

can’t put into words the amount of joy that courses through my body as I cherished every second

of their embraces. Knowing Graham and Brian were both alone, not only at their high schools

but even at a camp surrounded by kids who had similar disabilities, I knew how much they

valued our friendship. They are in my life as a constant and vivid reminder of how much I must

cherish my friendships and serve as a reminder to reach out to kids, alone and misplaced, like I

was freshman year. These boys showed me how I can use my outgoing personality to change Commented [11]: I know what you mean here, but I
think the wording could still use some work.
people’s lives as well as my own. The last day of camp I fought to keep my rollercoaster of Commented [12]: _Marked as resolved_
Commented [13]: _Re-opened_
emotions in check, and as tears of joy well up in my eyes, I muse over the new life purpose

these two put in front of me through their unique friendship. Commented [14]: CJ - this essay brings me joy. I am
glad that you met Graham and Brian.

Exemplary (A)
Content Focus on topic is clear and
definite. Effective and appropriate details
create a vivid picture. Writing “shows”
rather than “tells.” Fresh (uncommon)
approach to topic holds the
reader’s attention.
Organization Memorable introduction and
conclusion are clearly linked and establish
focus. Sequencing of details is effective and
logical (chronological). Transitions
effectively tie the ideas of the paper
together..
Voice The writer’s personality is
expressed; confidence and
feeling are apparent. Individual, powerful
commitment to the topic is obvious.
Connection to audience and purpose is
excellent.Writing evokes strong
emotion in the reader.
Word Choice Precise, vivid natural
language creates a clear and
complete picture in the reader’s mind.
Powerful verbs, precise
nouns, appropriate
adjectives and phrases
enhance meaning.Original phrasing and
memorable
language prompt reflective thought and
insights. Dialogue sounds natural.
Conventions A strong grasp of the
standard writing conventions
is apparent: capitalization is
accurate, punctuation is
smooth and enhances
meaning, spelling is correct
even on more difficult
words, grammar is
essentially correct,
paragraphing enhances the
organization of the paper. (0-5 errors)
Mastery(B)
Focus on topic is clear. Sufficient
details create a
picture showing some
knowledge and insight. Fresh
(uncommon) approach adds to the
reader’s understanding.
Effective introduction and
conclusion are clearly linked
(may be explicit or implicit)
and establish focus. Sequencing of
details is
logical. Transitions attempt to tie the
ideas of the paper together.
Writer’s personality pokes
through; confidence and
feeling fade in and out.A commitment
to the topic
is apparent. Connection to audience
and purpose is appropriate.The writing
evokes some emotion in the reader.
Correct, adequate word
choice creates a clear picture
in the reader’s mind. Lively verbs,
specific nouns,
and appropriate adjectives
and phrases add to the
meaning. Some colorful language and
unusual phrasing encourage reflection.
Dialogue sounds appropriate.
A strong grasp of the
standard writing conventions
is apparent: capitalization is
correct, punctuation is
smooth and enhances
meaning, spelling of
common words is correct;
more difficult words are
generally correct, grammar is
essentially correct, usage is
generally correct,
paragraphing works with the
organization of the paper.
(6-10 errors)
Reed3
Progressing(C) Commented [15]: Great rewrite. CJ!
Focus on topic is somewhat
defined. Underdeveloped details
show little knowledge and are too
general to create a picture.Fresh
approach to topic is attempted yet
lacks support which will aid the
reader’s understanding.
Introduction and conclusion
attempt to establish focus.
Sequencing of details is
limited.Transitions are limited.
Writer’s personality is
undefined; writing is
cautious. Commitment to topic is
limited.Connection to audience and
purpose is limited.Writing evokes
limited
emotion in the reader.
Ordinary word choice attempts to
create a picture
in the reader’s mind. Verbs, nouns,
adjectives,
and phrases are adequate.Language
choice and phrasing lack
inspiration.Dialogue sounds forced.
A basic grasp of the standard writing
conventions is apparent.Errors in
conventions may impair readability.
(11-15 errors)