Culture, Health & Sexuality, April 2008; 10(3): 263–276

M4M chat rooms: Individual socialization and sexual

autonomy

T. C. SANDERS

Department of Sociology, York University, Canada

Abstract
This paper uses data from twenty-one online and in-person qualitative interviews to examine the
meaning and use of chat rooms located on men for men (M4M) websites from the perspectives of
men seeking men on the Internet. This research is inspired by recent public health and social sciences
literature on gay websites and chat rooms. The data indicate that these online sites help expedite
learning about sex and sexuality and, for men who are shy or geographically isolated, to interact with
metropolitan gay communities. There is, however, a measure of stigma associated with use of these
chat rooms, particularly by men who are older or in coupled relationships. Using these data, the paper
argues that M4M chat rooms play a vital role in fostering the sexual autonomy of many men who
frequent these venues and that sociologists should devote more study to the complexity of online
social interaction.

Résumé
Cet article utilise des données provenant d’entretiens qualitatifs en ligne et en face à face, dont
l’objectif était d’examiner la signification et l’usage des forums de discussion des sites web pour
hommes cherchant à avoir des rapports avec des hommes, à partir des perspectives de ces usagers
d’Internet. Cette recherche s’est inspirée de la littérature récente, dans la santé publique et dans les
sciences sociales, sur les sites web gay et leurs forums de discussion. Les données indiquent que ces
sites en ligne contribuent à accélérer l’éducation à la sexualité et, pour les hommes qui sont timides ou
isolés géographiquement, à leur interaction avec les communautés gay des métropoles. Il existe
cependant une dimension de stigmatisation associée à l’usage de ces forums, en particulier vis-à-vis
des hommes les plus âgés ou engagés dans des relations de couples. En s’appuyant sur ces données,
l’article avance que les forums de discussion pour hommes cherchant à avoir des rapports avec des
hommes jouent un rôle essentiel dans la conquête de l’autonomie sexuelle de beaucoup de leurs
usagers, et que les sociologues devraient consacrer plus de temps à étudier la complexité de
l’interaction sociale en ligne.

Resumen
Con ayuda de datos de veintiún entrevistas cualitativas por Internet y en persona, en este artı́culo
examino el significado y el uso de las salas de chat en sitios web de hombres para hombres desde el
punto de vista de los hombres que buscan tener relaciones con otros hombres a través de Internet.
Esta investigación está inspirada en la reciente literatura de salud pública y ciencias sociales sobre
sitios web y salas de chat con un público homosexual. Los datos indican que estos sitios virtuales
facilitan el aprendizaje sobre sexo y sexualidad y ayudan a hombres tı́midos o aislados
geográficamente a interactuar con comunidades homosexuales metropolitanas. Sin embargo, existe
un cierto estigma relacionado con el uso de estas salas de chat, especialmente para hombres que son

Correspondence: T. C. Sanders, York University – Sociology, 2060 Vari Hall, 4700 Keele Street, Toronto, Ontario M3J 1P3,
Canada. Email: tcs@yorku.ca
ISSN 1369-1058 print/ISSN 1464-5351 online # 2008 Taylor & Francis
DOI: 10.1080/13691050701836936
264 T. C. Sanders

mayores o están en relaciones de pareja. Basándonos en estos datos, en este artı́culo sostenemos que
las salas de chat de hombres para hombres desempeñan una función vital a la hora de estimular la
autonomı́a sexual de muchos hombres que frecuentan estos sitios y, por tanto, los sociólogos deberı́an
dedicar más estudios para analizar la complejidad de la interacción social por Internet.

Keywords: Internet, chat rooms, M4M, gay men, Canada

Introduction
Men for men (M4M) chat rooms offer a unique opportunity for sociological research
exploring the relationship between computer-mediated communication and sexual
socialization. Since the late 1990s, M4M websites and their associated chat rooms have
become increasingly popular among gay and bisexual men seeking sex partners online.
Although there is no way to accurately gauge how many sexual encounters are regularly
facilitated by M4M chat rooms, Brown et al. (2005: 71) estimate that 35–60% of men who
use these sites arrange for sex.
The number of M4M chat rooms has grown rapidly during the past decade, with
virtually every major and mid-sized city in Canada and the USA being represented. These
chat rooms are public and cater to specific cities and geographic locales, making them a
convenient means of arranging in-person sexual encounters. Additionally, basic member-
ships are free, contain user-friendly search engines for locating other members, operate in a
real time format and boast thousands of members for most metropolitan areas. Like the
popularity of gay bars and bathhouses throughout the 1960s–1970s, M4M websites and, in
particular, chat rooms have surfaced as a contemporary outlet for accommodating
interaction among a marginalized sexual community.
Public health research has explored M4M chat rooms from an epidemiological
perspective. Biomedical interest in chat rooms began in the late 1990s as it became clear
they were facilitating casual sexual encounters among gay and bisexual men. Specifically,
health researchers noticed a correlation between use of gay chat rooms, unprotected sex
and recent increases in sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Initial studies by McFarlane
et al. (2000, 2002) and Klausner et al. (2000, 2004), for example, indicated that men using
the Internet to arrange sex had more partners than those who do not and that syphilis
outbreaks were associated with men using these sites to arrange casual sex. Similarly,
survey research by Bolding et al. (2005) reported that HIV-positive men who use the
Internet to find other HIV-positive sex partners frequently engaged in unprotected anal
intercourse.
Perhaps not surprisingly, health researchers concerned with the health of gay and
bisexual men have in consequence developed a keen interest in these chat rooms as a
potential source for studying risky sexual behaviour among men seeking men. Salyers Bull
et al. (2001), for example, suggested that publicizing cautionary evidence associating M4M
chat rooms with STI outbreaks could have educational benefit in promoting public
awareness and modifying sexual behaviour. Interestingly, these early findings have been
taken up in different ways by media outlets and the social sciences.
In some cases, media outlets have appropriated the health research findings in the service
of regulating M4M chat rooms and, by extension, gay sex. For example, it was reported
that popular webservers including America Online (AOL) and Microsoft Networks (MSN)
had been threatened with legal action for failing to comply with specific targeted initiatives,
such as pop-up windows and mass emails, intended to provide risk assessment information
of gay chat rooms (Dotinga 2004). Less reported on, however, was the concern that
 M4M chat rooms 265

imposing surveillance measures might deter gay men from using these websites and
therefore posed ethical questions around violating privacy. In other cases, the popular press
has published alarming news headlines drawing attention to the use of M4M websites and
chat rooms. In an article titled, ‘Young gays help drive HIV rise’ (Tasker 2004)
complacency and sexual compulsion among gay men using M4M chat rooms was
attributed to recent STI outbreaks. Arguably, sensational media reporting further
contributes to the sexual stigmatization that is already widely experienced by gay and
bisexual men throughout society. Concern is therefore warranted as these examples are
reminiscent of past crusades against bathhouses, which infringed on the rights and social
lives of gay and bisexual men but had relatively little effect in curbing STI transmission
(Bérubé 1996, Disman 2003).
By contrast, researchers in social sciences and health, a related field of applied study,
have considered the potential that M4M websites have for HIV education and prevention.
For example, Brown et al. (2005) suggested that the highly sexualized nature of M4M
websites substantively influences the interaction process in ways that are markedly different
from traditional gay venues such as bars and nightclubs. The expectation for sex and an
apparent upsurge in risk behaviour, they argue, have unique implications for online health
promotion and safe-sex interventions. Similarly, Rhodes’ (2004) ethnographic study of
online prevention strategies argued that M4M chat rooms are useful in distributing health
information, particularly to youth and otherwise inaccessible men seeking men. Both
studies observe that M4M chat rooms serve a vital socialization function for gay and
bisexual men and, therefore, that effective health interventions need to be culturally
appropriate and sensitive to issues of privacy.
There is also a tendency in the social science literature to explore the notion of sexual
risk in the context of M4M websites and chat rooms. Comparative quantitative studies, for
instance, have focused on the predictors of risk behaviour among men seeking men online.
Tikkanen and Ross (2003) explored sociodemographic differences between men who
never visit M4M chat rooms and those who visit them to varying degrees. The data were
then used to contrast ‘risky’ sexual behaviour among the different subgroups in relation to
STIs. In a similar vein, Carballo-Dieguez et al. (2006) compared sexual practices and
serostatus disclosure rates among HIV-positive and -negative men seeking sexual partners
online.
Much of the qualitative research has explored how men seeking sexual partners online
negotiate risk behaviour. Adam (2005), for example, used interview data to highlight the
logic of neoliberal discourse underlying ‘barebacking’ among many M4M users. Davis et al.
(2006) explored online serosorting, or using M4M chat rooms in the service of seeking out
or avoiding HIV-positive men for casual sex. Although these latter studies also touch upon
the networking and interaction opportunities made possible by M4M websites, the social
aspects are frequently overshadowed by emphases on risk and STI transmission.
In sum, there is a strong tendency in the health sciences literature on M4M websites to
focus on epidemiology and in the social sciences literature to place emphasis on social
organization of risk. Together with instances of sensational media reporting, this research
often brackets these online venues as a STI/HIV problem. As a result, the larger social
context and multitude of exchanges that occur in M4M online interaction, particularly
from the vantage point of participants, remains underdeveloped in the academic literature
(notable exceptions include Hillier et al. 2001 and Brown et al. 2005).
In this paper, the analytic emphasis concentrates on aspects of socialization and
interaction that occur among men seeking men online. The discussion offers an exploratory
266 T. C. Sanders

overview of the meaning and use of M4M chat rooms from the perspective of the users. In
particular, it illuminates how these chat rooms are used in the service of exploring the gay
and lesbian community and sexual practice. The data draw on observation and twenty-one
online and in-person qualitative interviews with gay men who frequent M4M websites and
chat rooms. The findings highlight three contributing factors and one obstacle to sexual
socialization. In articulating the sociological implications, the closing discussion borrows
from queer theory to argue that M4M chat rooms play a beneficial role in helping to
promote the sexual autonomy (Warner 1999) of men who frequent these venues.

Methods
Design and online observation
The findings reported in this paper are based on work that explored the use and meaning of
M4M websites and chat rooms from the perspectives of men who frequent them. There
were two primary means of data collection: online participant observation and online and
face-to-face qualitative interviews. This research was approved by the York University
Human Participants Review Sub-Committee.
Online observation of Toronto chat rooms on gay.com and mygaydar.com was
conducted over a three-month period during peak afternoon and evening hours. Because
of advertising campaigns, word of mouth and online keyword searches, these websites boast
hundreds of thousands of members worldwide; they host many chat rooms specific to cities
and user interests, including fetishes. The chat room dialogue was publicly displayed for the
benefit of all members, which accommodates unobtrusive observation. Although dialogue
addressed everything from global affairs to local politics, observation indicated that most
interaction was light-hearted discussion of sex, sexuality, community events like Gay Pride
Celebrations and social venues such as nightclubs. Common details and interests in user
profiles were also coded to inform later interviews (examples include: ‘sex only’ or open to
relationship; can ‘host’, or provide location to meet; seeks chat buddy or offline gym
partner). Unfortunately, public Internet chat was often unstructured and fleeting and
therefore the observation data was only useful in highlighting how the chat room
environment helped shape the communal interaction. In contrast, the influences of
individual circumstance and personal history were shared less; also unavailable were the
details of person-to-person message windows, where most private conversations and
inquiries about meeting offline occurred.

Interviews
Ten online and eleven in-person interviews were conducted with gay men living in
Toronto, Ontario, Canada, who regularly used M4M chat rooms and websites. To tap a
diverse pool of M4M members, participants were recruited through snowball sample and
online postings to chat rooms and message boards on multiple gay websites. Those who
responded to online requests were provided with a synopsis of the project and goals, either
by email or by instant message. Email was then used to arrange most interviews. For
reasons of convenience, men living downtown were more likely to agree to face-to-face
interviews whereas men living and working in suburban areas tended to prefer online
interviews. Twelve men were between 20–30 years old, six were 31–40 and three were 41–
50; thirteen men identified as white or Caucasian, four as non-white and four did not
 M4M chat rooms 267

specify. All men were ‘out’ sexually to friends and most were out to family or at work.
Fourteen interviewees lived in downtown Toronto and seven resided in nearby suburbs;
most were born in Canada but only five were originally from Toronto. There were five
university students aged 20–36 years, three of whom lived downtown and two in the
suburbs. Age was the most notable distinction between online and in-person participants.
For instance, eight of eleven in-person interviewees were 20–30 years; in contrast, six of ten
online interviewees were 30 years or older.

Procedure
The interview guide was informed by observation data and designed to explore information
typically absent in public chat. Interviewees were first asked to describe personal
background, frequency and use of M4M chat rooms. They were then asked to elaborate
on why they started using chat rooms (curiosity, sex, friendship) and whether their interests
in meeting men online had changed over time. Sessions explored how the men portray
themselves online as well as experiences with other users’ online representation.
Interviewees were asked to share examples of sexual experiences, both positive and
negative, and any related observations about the M4M community past or present.
Participants were asked to share similar experiences outside the purely sexual context, such
as how age, ethnicity or geographic location influenced interaction with other M4M users.
Interviews were semi-structured and participants were encouraged to freely expand on any
question. In the findings, interviewees are identified by two letters, their age and interview
method.
Face-to-face interviews lasted approximately 45–60 minutes whereas online interviews
ranged 1–3 hours due to pauses and variation in typing speed. Consent forms were signed
by in-person interviewees, whereas online participants acknowledged the details of consent
provided by the interviewer. Despite methodological criticisms that Internet interviews
lend to inaccuracy, deception and bias (Gibson et al. 1999, Joinson 1999), research
indicates that the online format is useful when contacting inaccessible (Koch and Emrey
2001) or marginalized groups (Binik et al. 1999, Mustanski 2001) and that deception is
neither more nor less likely during online interviewing as it is in-person (Hancock et al.
2004). Furthermore, comparative analysis by Opdenakker (2006) has indicated that
interviewing people online was as reliable as face-to-face when interpreting body language
and social cues have less bearing on the research validity. The online respondents
expressed genuine interest in the goals of the study, were thorough in their responses,
provided rich detail and were generally interactive—often jovial—throughout the interview
process.

Data analysis
In-person interviews were transcribed whereas the text of online interviews was saved in a
Word document. Data were printed and analysed using coding procedures consistent with
grounded theory (Strauss and Corbin 1998) as adapted by Charmaz’s (2006) interpretive
approach. Individual transcripts were first broken down into simple concepts using open
coding procedure; focused coding was then used to provide greater detail. Next, recurrent
concepts were compared for consistency across transcripts. Finally, axial coding
reorganised the data into analytic themes consistent with the original narratives and was
used as subheadings under the findings.
268 T. C. Sanders

Findings
A venue for sexual exploration
It is commonly accepted that adulthood involves, in part, exploring sex and sexuality to
varying degrees. Arguably, however, fewer safe venues exist for the exploration of
homosexual relations than for heterosexual ones. Men-for-men chat rooms, however, have
become a safe (cyber)space where men can explore physical and emotional same-sex
relationships. One interviewee, for instance, recalled how gay chat rooms fortuitously
informed his understanding of gay sex:

I knew what gay meant, of course, but really had no idea how it was done [laughing]. I knew when
guys had sex with each other it had to be oral sex or anal sex…and [that I] should use condoms to
prevent AIDS…but…like…what does that mean? Like, I didn’t know anything about lube until
some people online were talking about the new Eros silicone lube or something…I mean, they
don’t teach you that anywhere [laughing]…and now I can’t imagine having anal sex without lube.
Ouch! Now that I think about it, that might have been one of the first things I learned online!
(JD24, face-to-face)

This man also explained that he learned about the common use of lubrication as well as
which brands were more popular and why, simply by observing innuendos, noting casual
references and through interaction with other users. Interestingly, the interviewee
concluded by adding, ‘Can you imagine what a disaster my first sexual experience could
have been without the use of lube’? Essentially, the information he inadvertently stumbled
upon during online chat helped avoid a potentially awkward or harmful early sexual
experience.
Although anecdotal, this is one of many eclectic stories that illustrated how seemingly
mundane, free-flowing dialogue occurring in M4M chat rooms can also transmit valuable
sexual knowledge. The participant did not realise that what he thought were the basics of
sexual intercourse were actually insufficient to pleasurably and safely engage in the act
itself. In this case, he learned about an important facet of gay male sexual practice by virtue
of serendipitous online chat.
A more common chat room experience, especially among some of the younger
men, related to the exploration of sexual roles. For example, one man remembered
learning about gay sexuality and, in particular, the distinction between predominant sexual
roles:

Originally something I didn’t really know much about were tops [active or insertive partner] and
bottoms [passive or receptive partner]. I mean, I know there are versatile guys too, but I think the
basics when you’re first starting out are ‘top’ or ‘bottom’. I always just figured everyone did
both…but then I remember reading profiles and thinking, ‘most of these guys are one or the other’.
And frankly, that was a relief! I mean, I’m a bottom and I had no interest in topping. So yeah, it
was a relief when I figured out I didn’t have to. (JA20, face-to-face)

This man recounted how a misunderstanding about sexual practice was clarified. In this
instance, initially unclear terms concerning sex roles, the particulars of which are often
assumed to be common knowledge, were clarified during online chats. Another
interviewee expressed almost identical sentiments when he quipped, ‘I didn’t know there
were people who were only tops and only bottoms…I just figured you had to do both’
(DA24, online). Each interviewee originally possessed vague understandings of common
sexual practices, yet each understood his knowledge as complete and accurate. Online
 M4M chat rooms 269

interaction, however, inadvertently helped refine their knowledge of gay male culture and
the mechanics of sex in an environment regularly described by the men as safe and
informative.
Finally, interviewees highlighted the convenience and ease by which they used M4M
chat rooms to explore specific sexual interest communities:

When I first came out I was totally into jock boys, but boys like me can’t really approach them in
real life without fear of rejection or being beat up or something [laughing]. But the jock chat room
online is hot, hot, hot! They all talk about jock straps and sweaty clothes and sports…and you can
go on there and try to chat it up with them. Sometimes you find one that’s into twinks [young,
often slender men] and then you’re set! (JA20, face-to-face)

Here, the interviewee discussed his particular fetish with jocks and how he used online chat
rooms to meet men he was otherwise too intimidated to approach offline. For this young
man, who described himself as a twink, presumably there was both a risk of personal
rejection and fear of physical retaliation for mistaking a staunchly heterosexual jock for one
interested in other men. Similarly, another interviewee referred to his roommate, whom he
knew to have used M4M chat rooms to explore and to connect the local bear community, a
masculinist gay subculture that exhibit body hair and often stocky physiques (although this
is not a requirement):

My roomie is a bear but he didn’t really know where to go for that kind of thing and neither did I
’cause it’s not my crowd. He knew of one bar, but it was rough and he didn’t want to go alone. He
was shy, I guess, or embarrassed about it and just didn’t know how to find out about bears, so he
started going on this bear chat room and eventually met some daddies [laughing]. (EA22, face-to-
face)

This interviewee recapped his roommate’s membership and interest in an often exclusive
subculture of the gay community. According to the account, his roommate faced a two-part
dilemma: not only was he embarrassed over his sexual interest, but he was unaware of how
to seek information or whom to approach. In each case, the men explored their respective
sexual interests using M4M chat rooms, which proved instrumental in overcoming some
barriers imposed by lack of resources, intimidation or individual embarrassment. In short,
undeniably there are many venues that gay men can use to learn about sexual roles or
interests. These stories simply demonstrate how M4M chat rooms are one resource that is
relatively safe and increasingly convenient, especially for men who are young, recently out
or otherwise new to gay male sex.

A portal into a distant community

Scholars have noted the potential of the Internet to deliver health information and services to
geographically isolated persons (Salyers Bull et al. 2001), particularly youth (Hillier et al.
2001, Valentine and Holloway 2001). These findings were supported by testimonies that
likened M4M chat rooms to a portal into the gay and lesbian community, especially for
people living in rural or suburban areas that lacked a visible gay and lesbian presence. Three
interviewees touched upon this theme:

You can’t imagine what it’s like living in the suburbs where there are no other homos…or at least
none that will admit it. It sucks! The fact that I was out to my family and they accepted me didn’t
help me find any guys. Thanks for bringing me up in the ‘safety’ of the [sub]burbs, Mom and Dad,
270 T. C. Sanders

now how do I meet men? LOL [laughing out loud] [But] as soon as I found gay websites, I was on
there all the time trying to find someone nearby. (RA20, online)

Many interviewees were raised in suburban areas outside Toronto and remembered feeling
alienated as young gay men who lacked direct or frequent access to metropolitan gay life. In
some cases, the isolation was compounded by living in a suburban area that was overtly
homophobic. This interviewee noted that although he felt safe coming out to his parents,
this openness did not translate into immediate access to other gay or lesbian individuals or a
community. For others, participation in M4M online communities served as an early
avenue for learning about the local Toronto gay and lesbian culture. Chat rooms were a
convenient way to interact with other men seeking men, as well as arrange occasional in-
person meetings with sexual partners.
M4M chat rooms, in particular, supplied interviewees with useful information about
Toronto’s local gay ‘village’, a hub of gay-friendly bars, nightclubs, stores and high-rise
apartment buildings:

At first I didn’t know anything about the village. I knew the village was where the boys all hung out
and partied, but that’s it. I was still living in the sticks at the time, so I had no idea there were actual
apartment buildings in boystown where you could live a completely out gay life. I used to talk to
people and I learned which streets had clubs and high-rises, restaurants, pubs and stuff. Before I
ever went to the village I had a pretty clear idea of everything there was to offer. (JD24, face-to-
face)

For this man, chat rooms were also a means of learning about the local hangouts and
living areas in the gay and lesbian community. By chatting with other young men, he
discovered which nightclubs hosted ‘gay night’ and when. As well, this interviewee
credited his online friends with sharing valuable information about gay living spaces, such
as apartment buildings located in the gay neighborhood ‘filled with gay men’, which he
later said was a contributing factor in leaving the suburb where he was raised. For these
interviewees, discovering that there were places to safely congregate and freely live as out
gay men proved significant and, in the case of the second man, was a motivating factor in
moving to Toronto. Once again, although M4M chat rooms were not the sole
information source available, these technologies did serve as a convenient outlet for
these men.

Socializing and overcoming personal shyness

Men-for-men chat rooms have also developed into popular ‘global’ outlets into the gay
community. Just as the Internet can be used to book plane tickets and reserve hotel
accommodations, wayward travelers and new arrivals can also use it to conveniently access
different M4M chat rooms to interact with locals, plan future dates or meet for casual sex.
Two interviewees, who recently relocated to Toronto for work and school, discussed their
use of M4M websites in the context of being newcomers to the city. One interviewee had
recently relocated from Hong Kong and was interested in establishing platonic relation-
ships in a large and unfamiliar city. In one example, he noted that prior to moving to
Toronto he accessed M4M chat rooms to meet other men interested in weight training, so
that he could avoid interrupting his fitness regimen:

I was a newbie in town and didn’t know anyone. I didn’t even know where the local [YMCA] was.
LOL. I didn’t know where the best places to buy protein drink [for weight lifting] were or anything.
 M4M chat rooms 271

So I went into one of the muscle [chat] rooms and got all the goods on the local gyms and health
shops. (WA26, online)

Muscle men are another gay subculture who are also reflected in the larger queer
cyberculture. This man had specific interests in mind when he started visiting Toronto chat
rooms in the months prior to relocating. Not only did he seek other gay men with a
common interest in fitness, but he also wanted to probe the gym culture locals for trade
secrets concerning where to work out and buy products. According to this man, the M4M
muscle chat rooms were a convenient source of friendly, candid information that helped
accommodate his transition to a new city.
Another interviewee, a university student who moved to Toronto from the Prairies region
of Canada, also credited M4M chat rooms with contributing to an easier relocation
process. Like the previous man, this interviewee was also a new arrival to the city but in this
case specifically sought sexual partners:

My first year at university I met lots of gay people and gay friendly people, that wasn’t the issue…I
mean, there’re a million clubs and organizations to join at [University of Toronto]. But honestly I
was like really shy. I was not political in the way I felt they wanted me to be. It may sound bad, but
I really just wanted a boyfriend or sex or something. You know, good times for when I wasn’t busy
studying or just wanted to have some fun. The Toronto downtown chat room was the way to go.
Lots of hotties right in the student residences in fact. (EA22, face-to-face)

This same interviewee alluded to the idea that although plenty of gay friendly outlets
existed at his university, these did not necessarily translate into finding a boyfriend or casual
sexual partner. As a self-described introvert living in a new and unfamiliar territory, he
found that M4M chat rooms were an excellent means of arranging dates and casual sexual
encounters with other young men. Similar to the geographically isolated and sexually
inexperienced men, these interviewees, who were new to an area but eager to meet new
people, used M4M chat rooms to circumvent barriers to social interaction imposed by
demanding work or college schedules.
On a related note, interviewees who labeled themselves as shy or introverted repeatedly
emphasised the significance of M4M online spaces as a way of facilitating social interaction
that was otherwise difficult, if not impossible, to initiate. For example, one man described
how M4M chat rooms frequently provided a convenient means of easing into interaction
with other men seeking men:

Online is different than a club because when I go into a club or bar I just keep to myself. I never
approach anyone…they have to make the first move, ’cause I never make the first move. I just don’t
have it in me. But online I have no problem messaging people first, it’s so much easier and less
stressful…’cause you can’t experience the humiliation of rejection, or at least not in the same
embarrassing way it happens in a club if they’re just not into you and make you feel stupid. (RD31,
face-to-face)

According to this man, dating rituals were difficult to initiate. Even when socializing in the
company of friends, he noted that the fear of rejection prevented him from approaching
men he found attractive in public venues. In online settings, however, he had the
confidence to initiate interaction with others, instead of waiting to be contacted first.
Notably, psychological research on the relationship between self-esteem and online
interaction suggests that shy people often prefer computer-mediated communication to
face-to-face interaction because it alleviates a fear of rejection (Joinson 2004). This is
272 T. C. Sanders

reflected in the interviewee’s account of online interaction, in which the anonymous format
of online chat rooms allowed him to overcome his fear of rejection and approach men with
sexual confidence. He candidly summed up his position by stating, ‘if it weren’t for online I
wouldn’t [have sex] nearly as often’.
Ironically, although M4M chat rooms are often criticised as impersonal, their indirect
anonymous structure was ideal for the men who ordinarily struggled to meet others. Rather
than regularly imposing isolation and impersonal interaction, the data suggest that for some
men these chat rooms facilitate personal interaction that might otherwise be awkward or
impossible.

Online stigma and sexual shame

Thus far, the focus has been on how M4M chat rooms are a resource for exploring the gay
community and meeting people for dating or casual sex. These themes have been especially
salient among the men in their twenties who speak openly and without reservation about
their participation in chat rooms. In contrast, slightly older interviewees provided a different
perspective on M4M use. Although younger single men reported feeling comfortable about
seeking sexual partners online, the same behaviour was often not condoned when practised
by older men. For instance, some of the older interviewees reported feeling reprimanded by
friends and other M4M users for seeking sex online. One man articulated a discourse of
shame over frequenting M4M chat rooms. He felt that the use of websites by mature,
middle-aged men was often frowned upon for violating sexual norms:

Experience shaming? Do I ever! First, people I don’t even know think I’m trolling online, which
pisses me off since I’m not a troll [older men who pursue younger partners]. I’m just looking for a
good time. And then people I do know will also tease me about being so desperate that I have to
seek out sex online. They do it in a kidding sense, of course, but I can tell they’re being serious too.
Now I just tend to keep my online life under wraps or avoid the topic altogether around them.
(SA41, online)

This interviewee, who described himself as ‘looking older than he actually is’, typically went
online to find sexual partners but ultimately hoped he would find a boyfriend or long-term
relationship. According to the testimony, he experienced two forms of sexual shame. First,
fellow men seeking men online often formed assumptions about his sexual intentions based
solely on his age, namely that he was a ‘troll’. He later used the analogy of an ‘online sexual
predator’ to describe how he was sometimes made to feel for frequenting M4M chat rooms
for sexual partners. Second, he indirectly experienced shaming from friends, who
‘kiddingly’ questioned his social skills and sexual morals based on his interest in chat
rooms. According to this interviewee, there was a tacit implication that a man his age
should pursue a more ‘respectable’ relationship offline. As a result, when around friends the
man often felt compelled to avoid the topic of M4M chat rooms altogether, as though he
were ‘being forced into the cybercloset’.
Another aspect of shaming M4M chat room users involved social norms around monogamy
and relationships. One interviewee was in an open relationship, where each partner had
previously agreed to seek additional sexual partners online or elsewhere:

The only kind of stigma that I personally encountered online, like coming from the gay circle, is
they’re surprised to find I have a boyfriend and that I’m using chat rooms to find people for sex. So
it’s the stigma of non-monogamy. (RB36, face-to-face)
 M4M chat rooms 273

In this case, the interviewee reported being honest with people he met online about his
mutually open relationship, thus making it clear that casual sex was purely for leisure.
Despite his sincerity, however, he described many instances of being negatively judged by
others for his non-monogamous relationship. He later articulated that people with limited
knowledge of the situation often labeled his use of M4M chat rooms for sex as either
infidelity in particular or immorality in general. Later, he commented, ‘if I were fifteen
years younger the same stigma would probably not be as pronounced, as the nature of my
relationship would more likely be dismissed as youth folly or experimentation.’ In short,
this man felt strongly that dominant sexual social norms were active among many men
online and often used to call the legitimacy of open relationships into question.
Interestingly, in both testimonies stigma manifested internally from the gay and lesbian
community, as opposed to an expression of homophobia or heteronormativity from the
external heterosexual community. One possible implication is that attitudes about M4M
chat room use vary distinctly among different age cohorts. Among the older interviewees
who participated in this research, at least, the feeling was that seeking casual sex online was
viewed as more acceptable for younger gay men, whereas middle-aged men were expected
to settle down into stable and monogamous relationships.

Discussion
The use of M4M chat rooms among the gay men in this study had a profound impact on
their ability to explore sexual practice and participate in the larger gay and lesbian
community. Overall, interviewees described the chat rooms favourably, noting different
extents to which they were able to associate with other men seeking men. Although these
online forums were often used to arrange casual sex, they were also a regular means of
casual and personal interaction. For example, many interviewees credited M4M chat
rooms with fostering online friendships; likewise, they were cited as a popular means of
learning about local gay establishments, such as bars and nightclubs, as well as advertising
special events, such as parties and raves. One interviewee who had recently relocated to
Toronto even used M4M chat rooms to contact men with similar extra-curricular interests,
while other participants turned to them for advice on restaurants and shopping. Still others
described them as beneficial in alleviating the effects of shyness by acting as an online buffer
when approaching other men. Finally, men living in the surrounding suburban areas of
Toronto likened the chat rooms to portals into a larger community for which they had
limited exposure or infrequent access.
Conversely, some men reported feeling castigated for frequenting M4M chat rooms for
sex or dating. Men in their mid to late thirties or older were especially aware of the effects of
online shaming. Reproach was typically expressed in one of three ways: (1) specific norm-
based disapproval of casual sex with strangers; (2) use of M4M chat rooms as characteristic
of youth folly but inappropriate for mature adults; or (3) as a generic and cautionary
distrust of the online medium, particularly where dating was concerned. Interestingly, the
source of these stigma was typically other gay men, suggesting there is still much work to be
done around overcoming the effects of homophobia and sexual shame internal to this
community.
According to Warner (1999), a queer theorist of note, sexual moralism and shame are
only overcome through sexual autonomy, or the freedom of sexual choice secured by public
tolerance and an ethic of access to sources of pleasure and new possibility. For Warner,
sexual autonomy is not merely about the freedom to be sexual, but equally about having
274 T. C. Sanders

knowledge and unrestricted public access to the varieties of sexual pleasure, practice and
identity attained through education, culture and, of particular relevance here, through
technology. This ethic is especially important for people whose sexual desires and identities
are already disproportionately regulated and stigmatized. Building on this concept, from a
sociological perspective the notion of sexual autonomy invokes the concepts of the
individual and the social and the relationship between the two. Specifically, sociologists
continue to dispute the extent to which individual behaviour is based on characteristics of
the individual versus external social circumstance. Arguably, the freedom to choose, or
personal agency, is compromised when key options are purposely hidden or publicly
marked with shame. Thus, autonomy in the sense of individual sexual choice first
necessitates a cultural field where everyone has access to sexual variety and where social
stigma is limited. Historically, however, this has not been the case for sexual minorities. It is
in this context that the aspects of socialization reflected in M4M chat room interaction
assume special significance for the sexually marginalized.
M4M chat rooms have developed as one means by which gay men can pursue sexual
autonomy insofar as they provide an accessible and convenient venue for interacting with
other men seeking men. In effect, these technologies carve out of the dominant culture a
uniquely diverse space that promotes exploration and expression for sexual minorities.
Many M4M websites contain tens of thousands of personal profiles where members can
contact one another in real time or by email. Also, these sites frequently house chat rooms
that cater to diverse sexual desires, such as leather fetishes or the HIV-positive community.
In one example above, an interviewee described in detail how a M4M website helped a
friend learn about and gain access to the local bear community, a culture the man was
otherwise largely at a loss to explore. Other interviewees shared stories of learning about
different sexual practices, safe sex techniques and information about local men’s health
clinics, to cite a few of the examples discussed. Although the Internet is not the only place
to find such information, it is one among a still-limited selection of public outlets;
moreover, for many men it is the most convenient and discreet locus. For some of the men
who were shy or living outside metropolitan areas with visible gay and lesbian communities,
ease of access and personal comfort were especially relevant. In short, M4M chat rooms
provide a space for a host of contested personal and community interactions operating in
the service of greater sexual autonomy.
Findings in this paper complement the existing public health and social science literature
on M4M websites and chat rooms. In doing so, they offer additional insight into socio-
cultural health analyses (Kippax and Race 2003), which endeavour to bridge medical and
social science research in the interest of providing better public health awareness and more
effective information dissemination [specific cited examples include Rhodes (2004) and
Brown et al. (2005)]. They also contribute to sociological inquiry by highlighting how
M4M chat rooms accommodate socialization and interaction among sexual minorities, as
well as lending a broader insight into the influence of computer-mediated communication
on social interaction in general. This paper argues in favour of continued sociological
investigation into the multiplicity of ways these Internet sites serve gay and bisexual men in
personal and social contexts. Doing so will help further refine the current expanse of
research on M4M websites, as well as help to counteract the negative effects of a past and
current media reporting that often stigmatizes gay sex and sexuality under the guise of
public health warning.
In sum, this qualitative study of Internet use further demonstrates that M4M online
interaction is multifaceted and serves a range of interests. To this end, it behooves
 M4M chat rooms 275

sociologists to explore the scope of online interaction that occurs on M4M websites and
chat rooms. This study has touched upon only a handful of ways that these online venues
enable a marginalized sexual community to work toward a greater experience of sexual
autonomy. In taking up this topic, this study seeks to illuminate the exchanges and
interactions that are characteristic of M4M chat rooms by focusing on the kinds of
information that are exchanged, the types of activities that are promoted and the social
characteristics of the participants. In doing so, this research outlines some of the ways gay
men use M4M chat rooms in the service of exploring sexuality and to participate in the
greater gay and lesbian community.

Acknowledgements
I want to acknowledge the assistance of my supervisor, Dr. Lorna Erwin. This research was
supported by ACTION for Health. Interview and transcription facilities were provided by
the Qualitative Research and Resource Centre (QRRC), York University.

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