DEALING WITH HOMELESS PEOPLE IN YOUR HOUSE

These pages have been written from our own experiences with homeless people in
our house. The first time we offered shelter to a homeless person, turned out to be
quite a stressful event, and we ended up feeling empty and frustrated afterwards.
The second time was already much better, as we remembered where the frustrations
were the first time and made sure to lay down some boundaries to the people staying
with us. Still, the problem of privacy and lack of basic social adaptation from their
side remained.

What I am writing here is not at all meant to be objective. These are conclusions and
lessons learned with the temporary housing of gypsy youngsters on the street in
Romania. I would see the same mentality and pattern with them, but this mentality
and pattern might not apply to homeless people in other countries.
A lot of these youngsters have grown up in impersonal, uncaring orphanages, where
they learned to survive, not to have a life. Often their parents are still alive and they
even know them and visit them regularly. So, they were raised in orphanages, while
not being a real orphan. They were just not wanted at their own home. Maybe
because of poverty. Maybe because they were bastard children, maybe because the
parents were too drunk or stoned to take care of them. Maybe because they had a
slight handicap and would mean an extra burden to the parents. There are many
reasons why they ended up in such homes. But the fact is that they grew up in the
most horrible conditions, where they were actually meant to die. They probably also
would have if the Revolution in Romania, against the communistic and dictatorial
regime of Ceausescu would not have changed the country’s course in 1990.

I was mentioning that with the second time round, having a couple from the street in
our house, the problem of privacy and lack of basic social adaptation from their side
remained. For instance, it’s very discouraging, when you try to your house
maintained, to have others just eat their food where ever in the house and having to
broom up the crumbs and sorts all through the house. Or to believe it normal to gather
hairs from a comb or brush and throw them in the garbage bin of the toilet, or in the
toilet itself and flush, but then finding that your charity guests do not think twice to
drop the hairs from the comb to the floor and leave it for their hosts to broom them
up. We had to start realizing that these people never lived in a home before and are
not used to having to clean up after them. They only care for some personal hygiene
and clean clothes when they have the chance, but they don’t feel anything for
maintaining their environment clean. They will generally not bother to put things
back in the fridge, throw empty packaging in the bin or clean up the kitchen after
them.
In contrast to that, they will offer to help you with dishes or other, even before you
would ask them, but this generally serves as a unconscious way to guarantee their
stay with you, or even get a personal emotional hold on you, where after it becomes
generally harder for you to set any sort of boundaries to their movement inside the
house, or to the time they stay under your roof. Why would one otherwise offer to
help you out with anything, but not clean up after oneself? It’s because they want you
to notice they ‘offer’ to help out, as if not to want to be a burden.

Then we had to realize that there are many things they do, that are wrong, but are
normal in their eyes. We would consider what they are doing at times as stealing,
lying and manipulating. They would just consider their need to survive and their habit
of thinking of themselves only. The end justifies the means with them.
To say that you don’t have money for transport when they do have money, is a way of
not having to spend money they have themselves on something else than themselves.
They find it a waste of money to spend it on rent, transport, copies and papers, and
such. They find it only useful to spend it on themselves, especially cigarettes and
booze, and more or less expect or at least try their best to have others spend money on
their needs apart from those first needs they have, namely tobacco and alcohol

They were sharing with us that they sometimes earn 40 lei a day. When mentioning
that that is not bad, they remark that that money is all gone by the end of the day
because of food alone. They wanted to point out they can’t save or spend money on
anything else but food. Knowing that we, as a family of 2 adults and 2 small children,
spend not more than half of this amount each day, I started to wonder. Upon asking
further questions I found out that when they have this kind of money for food, they
spend it on food in the fast food, each day, 3 times a day, until they can not afford this
anymore. Knowing that we, as a family of 2 adults and 2 small children hardly get to
eat out once a year, I was shocked. Someone later on pointed out to me that a large
portion this food money actually goes to cigarettes and booze. It radically changed the
way I looked at them and their situation. Sure, they don’t have a home, so nor do they
have a stove to cook on, but they can buy things from the supermarket and spread
bread with something, instead of dining out. Apart from that, they often turned out to
receive food from some fast food restaurant that people from our church worked at.
Food that had been wrongly ordered or food that was left over. Good food. Not junk
food. Soups and mashed potatoes with veil, left over French rolls, etc…
So they often didn’t even have to pay their meals and saved money that way.
They also made it clear to us that they never pay for the tram. They just get on it and
try to avoid checkings. Where I had thought they would at least have expenses on
transport in a month, they turned out to not have this at all, or very little. They hitch-
hike rides, walk a lot and hitch rides on the tram without paying a ticket.
So now the 40 lei spent a day started to really become bothersome.
If they would save half the amount each day, they could find a small room to rent
after a month for this money. They guy of the couple was not a real worker; didn’t
like to be employed. He preferred odd jobs here and there. She was the one having or
finding steady jobs. But if they would both work steady jobs, they would have enough
money to have a roof over their heads, especially in winter, and also pay heating and
other bills, plus having money for food and personal care, be it off course in a
different class than what they were used to on the street. They might need to live from
bread and fat with onion or Jam.; to do without meat for most of the month, but they
would no longer be ‘surviving’ but starting some kind of life.
It started to dawn to me that if they really want to get out of this kind of life, they
could. They would surely need some guidance, but financially things certainly were
not helpless. My whole outlook on what kind of help they should really be offered
also changed. I was suddenly able to set boundaries to them, and able to lose this
excessive feeling of pity and idea that I should meet all their needs.

All the regulations and guidelines below have been gathered, remembered and put
down on paper through own experiences. It’s not being said that these are the only or
best guidelines you could find. But they are ours. And they really help us to be able to
offer relief to certain people for short periods of time, and still not take upon
ourselves the burdens of the whole world.

If they want their situation to be changed, they need to start some kind of program of
saving money for rent. Have them keep it with a person they trust, maybe the church.
If they do not want to set apart a portion of their money, or ask it back again after
some weeks, they are not serious with being helped in the right way. They are then
just continuing to feed their selfish greedy and unregulated life-style.
Our church has tried several times to help by advancing rent of an apartment for some
of these people. But when the time came for them to pay the second month, or pay
back the first month’s rent, they always had an excuse. Either their employers didn’t
pay them, or their money was stolen, or they hadn’t been able to find work, etc…
They were even admitting to have used it on drugs or alcohol, but still expecting a
second chance. But a second chance gets messed up again, if it doesn’t cost them
anything of themselves.

Maybe some of you find it harsh for me to call their life-style selfish and greedy since
they always seem to be in need. But we can find this type of life-style too with people
that have a roof over their head and seem to struggle in spite of having a regular job.
Now, I do not want to judge them and say they should not be helped. Nor would I
want people to go about just mentioning what is wrong in another person’s life.
People like these need to be shown the consequences of their actions, and then to be
shown the possible alternatives they have if they change patterns, way of thinking and
priorities.
But to make the comparison now: they have no money to buy a tram ticket, but they
did buy a TV or a camera the other day. They smile when you ask them how they got
it, and tell you that they put this on their credit cards. They will have until next month
to pay it off. In the mean time they won’t eat a slice of bread less because of this
purchase, so all seems fine. These people, even though not from the streets - too were
lured to purchase and live for the moment, by the notion of needing to have what they
like immediately. Very often, the next month these people won’t be able to pay off
the TV. Either the TV gets returned, or a credit to finance the debt to the TV payment
will be arranged. Maybe they had forgotten that they would lose their jobs half way
through the month as a result of which they can’t pay off the credit. And since they
probably don’t like maintaining their house or equipment, they end up having experts
to see about their equipment regularly, or spend money on repairs or cleanings that
could have been easily prevented, had they only taken the effort and discipline to
maintain things, and put them away instead of lying around the living room where the
kids got hold of those things and broke them.
Sure, we can all make mistakes in this area, and not everything is preventable.
Also, one does not become an irresponsible person by some irresponsible action now
and then. But a lot of people that ‘need a break’ are having structural problems with
how they should live, we find.

Below you will find the list of guidelines and rules that we found helpful.
We hope they will be of use to you, as you go about them, adapt them to your own
situation and views. Everything that is mentioned below is based on two adults
staying in your house, having a separate bedroom and toilet area. And things are also
based on a couple of nights stay only.
When the sharing of your house/apartment becomes more crowded, because you
don’t really have a separate bedroom for them, but only the living room for them to
stay in, or when the period of stay will be much longer than a couple of days, some of
below's rules will need revision.
RELATION / ATTITUDE ESTABLISHMENT

• You are a person who’s being offered a specific favour. This favour consists of
you having a roof over your head, a place to sleep during the night, and get
freshened up. We offer you this charity for 2 nights only. Nothing else,
nothing more. With this in mind, do not offer to help us out with anything that
we didn’t request you to do, like doing dishes for us, cleaning the house or car.
We are not the ones that need or asked for your help. You are.
Do not ask to borrow anything from us or expect us to finance transport or
food for you, as this is already asking for more/bigger charity than we just
verbally agreed to offer you. Do not touch any of our stuff in the house that
you don’t have business with, whether equipment, books or other lying around
the house.

• You are NOT an invited guest or friend. Do not show specific interest in our
lives, work, or routines. Do not expect us to be interested in your lives, work
or routines either. Do not buy little gifts or tokens for us, as friends or
invited guests would show politeness, thanks and respect. This would be
inappropriate since you do not fall in the category of invited guests or friends.
We are also NOT going to exchange phone numbers, or give out door keys at
your better convenience. Specifications about what times we expect you to
enter this house and leave the house will follow.

• You are NOT a part of this family. Do not interfere in, socialize with, or
mingle in our family interactions, the kids, or neighbours. Eat your meals
quietly, remain in the background when our family members are sharing the
kitchen at the same time with you. After finishing meals, and leaving the
kitchen without the traces of your use of it, don’t linger around in the kitchen
or living room area to socialize or watch TV. The right thing for you to do, is
then to either go out and find work or other in the city, or disappear to your
upstairs department.
SOCIAL REGULATIONS

• No smoking in the house or on the veranda. Smoking is allowed outside our

garden area only. Do not exhale the last breath of smoke on our veranda or in
our house. Do this outside our garden area as well.
• No drinking in or around the house and garden
• No invitation of friends at or around the house or garden.
• No littering in or around the house and garden
• We do NOT allow you to use the stove in the kitchen
• We do NOT allow you to use any electrical equipment for either
personal care, organization of your life, or entertainment.
This includes the computer & internet, and ventilators during summer
periods.
• We do NOT borrow you things for transport, like bikes.
• You will NOT bother us with needs for repair of things or clothes, or
errands that you need to run, medicines you need, or any medical treatment
you lack or such.
• Do not flush anything else through the toilet than toilet paper. Any personal
hygiene items, or wet wipes or other, should be disposed of in the garbage
cans that are at your disposal upstairs.
• Any hairs you gather from your comb, you will dispose of in the toilet or in
the garbage cans. Do not leave them on the ground.
ROOM REGULATIONS

• The upstairs room and toilet are facilities at your disposition, without having
to ask permission from us. When being in between a meal and going to bed, or
between a meal and leaving the house, you will spend your time in these
rooms. You will also leave all your stuff here and make sure nothing is lying
or hanging around in the downstairs part of the house, except your shoes.
= We wish you to be quiet in your use of the upstairs rooms. No stamping,
hollering or raised voices, music, or whatever else might cause disturbing
noises.
= We wish you NOT to use any equipment you find in your bedroom, or re-
arrange the room. You will just use the bed and the bed linnen, the towels,
combs and washing gloves or other provided by us, and what you find in
the toilet.
= You will use the garbage cans upstairs for disposing of your garbage, but
make sure there is a plastic bag in the garbage can before using it.

• The downstairs rooms and living / kitchen area, is not at your disposition.
o The kitchen will be accessible to you, three times a day, at fixed hours, to
have meals and drink something. Upon finishing dinner, you wash
whatever you used to eat with, clear the table from the things you used,
and you broom the floor afterwards. If you need to use electrical
equipment to warm up food, make coffee or tea, you will ask permission
and help. Whatever permissions and instructions are given at that time,
you will follow up on.
o The living room area, and down stairs bedrooms are not at your
disposition at all!
o The bathroom downstairs is only accessible to you, upon receiving
permission from us to use it. Permission to use it is only given in order for
you to shower or put dirty clothes in the washing machine. Do not touch
any of our stuff you find in the bathroom, like crèmes, perfumes, deodo-
rants or other, when having permission to use that room.
 OUR PERSONAL EXPECTATIONS

• We expect you to be out of the house, latest by 8.30 in the morning, and to be
back between 19.00 and 23.00 in the evening. We would advise you strongly to
use this time to find a job in the city, and/or a place to rent. But this is entirely up
to you.
Should you be later in the evening, it should be because you discussed this with
us and we agreed upon this. If not, once you find the door locked, you will have
to remain outside, return to the city, and return the following evening on time.
We do not want you to linger around the house in case you are late and find the
door locked.

• We expect that you will support yourselves during your stay with us.
If you have no money to go into the city, you will have to walk there.
If you don’t leave for the city, but hang around in or outside the house, for
whatever reason, the charity offered to you by us will be stopped as per
immediately.

• The day you leave, after you have breakfast, we expect you to broom your
bedroom and toilet, empty the garbages in the main garbage outside. We expect
you to do this quietly, and not yell to each other in communication, from one
house level to another.

• You can have 1 shower/bath only. And one laundry done. Any clothes or other
that is being given to you to replace your own, or as practical use during your
stay, you will return to us the morning you leave. This includes combs, alarm
clocks, or personal care items. After your bath, you will open the bathroom
window and use a mop to dry the floor. Towels used you will hang outside over
the veranda to dry. Make sure they don’t fly away when there is a lot of wind.
(use a large stone as weight on the towels). When the towels are dry, you will take
them upstairs with you, to be used in the toilet upstairs.

• We do not wish you to linger around the house within a 5 kms ratio, bothering
anyone with your needs or presence, and causing anti sympathies for you,
people from the street in general, or us as a family!
This includes that we don’t want you to ask for money, clothes or food to anyone
in this village, or look for work in this village. Nor that you should ask anyone to
borrow you anything.

By Esther Gergely
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