A new start..

 
 
I am standing in a point of my life where I could see 
garbage dumped all around me. Why is this? Why am I here? 
Wait a minute! Am I dumped here too? Am I a waste? 
All my life I thought that I knew Jesus, I knew God. If so, 
why is it not showing in my life? Why am I here in this 
garbage if I knew Jesus? Or should my question be “Do i 
really know Jesus”? 
 
When I look around, I could see two kinds of people. First live 
their life with Jesus which we can call Jesus group, and 
another with the world and with all its pleasures, let's call 
them worldly group. When I introspect, a question that 
disturbs me is “To which group do I belong”? 
 
How could I take the world’s side against my Lord? I know 
Jesus died for me and through His grace I’m saved. I study 
bible, I go to church, I attend fellowship and I do many 
things for my God. So I should be in first group, isn't it?  
Or it can be like this, I am a sinner, who never took God’s 
love seriously, did not keep His commandments, never been 
completely out of this sin, Who always falls and deep inside 
has a dark spot filled with anger, lust, jealousy, envy and a 
number of things that count me on worldly group. 
 
May be I will be between these both groups, which could be a 
third group. I am saved but still in sin. In whose mind 
thoughts like “I know that I am not suppose to be like this, 
and Jesus is gonna change me! I will be good tomorrow!” 
  
No this can't be! there can not be a third group. Either Jesus 
or the world. Is the invention of this third group my excuse 
to be in the worldly group? I always try to be in Jesus group. 
I feel it very difficult, hard to keep up. Where I always 
fail, where I am not stable. I remember Jesus saying His 
yoke is light to carry. Then why do I still feel burden? Why 
do I feel difficult to be His light in this world? Why I am 
able to do worldly things with ease? I effortlessly sin! Why? 
Am I not a child of God? 
On the one hand I want to be in Jesus group, where I am 
not and I feel stuck in the worldly group from where I 
want to escape. The words of Jesus ring in my ears, “if you 
love Me keep my commandments”. I didn't, Am I not loving 
Jesus? Again He said, “You are the light of the world” Alas, 
my deeds does not comply. They never glorified God. 
My life reflects the eyes that looks at the light but 
perceives darkness. I am puzzled, I am not doing the right 
deeds because I am unable to or I don't want to. From one 
side I hear that I am weak to overcome the world and can 
not be with Jesus but from the other that I am strong 
and God is with me. which one should I accept?  
I know the answer, but you know what really happens here. 
What am I supposed to do here? What better can I do 
here?  
 
When I hear people giving testimony of how they walk with 
Jesus, I feel like “that's not my case, I have a different 
situation, for my situation I don't hear any solution. People 
say about great heroes from bible who walked according to 
God. Sounds fantastic! But my situation does not match 
theirs. I see God speaking to them directly, I open the bible 
it really do touches my heart, but (yes, there's always a but). 
And then there is this question which baffles me,“is God 
really talking to me?”. By the time I try to find out the 
answer I will come to know that I am lacking in my prayer... 
I have to find out the answer through my prayer. I do pray. 
But not every day. May be I am not able to pray everyday. 
No I can not pray everyday. Somedays I may have more 
interesting things to do. Somedays I am not worthy to pray.. 
My sins tells me that I am not worthy to pray. Now what 
should I do here? I feel easier to be in worldly things than 
to be with Jesus. To put an example watching a movie, I 
spent hours, may be I watch movie without sleeping all night. 
But when I sit for praying I feel hard, it’s tough, sleep is 
uncontrollable, pop’ing notifications which feels much 
important, and my mind takes on wings and flies away from 
me unconcerned that I am sitting to pray. So, I think 
watching movie is much easier than praying, isn’t it!! 
 
So the most important question here is “where am I and 
where am I supposed to be? 
I know the answer.. I know where i am supposed to be and 
where I am right now! 
 
But how do I really be there. In Jesus group?? 
 
I think know how to be in the Jesus group. I have heard 
read and known many times. I have to confess my sin,i have 
to put my priorities, I have to self sacrifice, read bible, pray 
everyday, the list goes on. It's not that I have never done 
these things before. But my real concern is that I always 
fall short. When i start over my first week be like the holy 
week then slowly things change, prayer reduces, again back to 
sin. I know many has the same problem. But never heard a 
solution for this sinning again and again when I try to be 
holy. I am not able to continue in holiness. I cannot keep up 
to my resolutions. Like Wake up early, pray, read bible, have 
quiet time, love and forgive, keep away from the anger, 
greed, lust etc.I am successful for few days the somewhere 
it slips off. And then it goes upside down. Nothing good 
happens, resolutions are in my dustbin, I see devil in the 
mirror, again unworthy and the cycle continues. 
 
Yes this is what happens. When in me devil reaches too high 
then I realise I should stop and start again “GOD IS 
MERCIFUL”. Then I will take a help of church, a devotional 
book, a devotional video, a camp or a christian friend to 
start again a holy life. When ​I ​start again i be like the 
best christian ever in the world. Talking to God, speaking in 
tongues, fire breathing prayer, praising God with my songs, 
feeling pity on the people who don't know Jesus and best one 
, I am ready for second coming of Jesus. Days like this won't 
continue the same for long. Devil comes up and proves to be 
strong again in me.  
 
This is my real problem. I am not able to be in Jesus group 
for a long. I slips. It goes wrong.Then all a sudden prayer 
reduces, bible study reduces, good deeds down, worldly deeds 
come up, i am reduced!! 
 
Everytime i sit before evil, i hear God’s words whispering in 
my ears. Earlier at least i used to try to fight against evil 
when i hear whispers of God’s word. Though i win or lose i 
tried at least or maybe i acted like trying. But now it has 
reached a point where i feel like loser even before the test. 
I feel like i won't be able to resist the evil. May be because 
i fall back on sinning every time Or because i know last time 
even though i resisted i failed, so maybe this time also i may 
fail eventually. 
 
So what should i do? 
Should i come out of this garbage or let myself be dumped 
here? 
 
And I tremble to think, when i feel people around me are 
looking at my failure, my weakness,my pain, my ungodly deeds 
and come to conclusion that my God isn’t true, or HE may 
not be the powerful ONE, or HE does not love me. I know 
that's my life has to present my GOD to this world. But how 
do i show people around me that my GOD is the best, the 
awesome GOD through my life? 
 
The repeated cycle of being in good and evil in my life takes 
to me a point where to find out a solution to the question 
“how can I be with Jesus forever in any situation of my life. 
 
I think i have to find a solution from Jesus Himself…. 
 
 
 
….To be continued