Thank you so much for your kind response.

I am really touched
with your love and compassion. Love is being in harmony with one
self. We will understand love only when we are in communication
with our inner self. Since we all are in love with the concept of
love we have created, love remains far from us. Our distorted
version of love separates us from the cosmos. This love is far from
love, because love is not supposed to turn into pain, insecurities,
fear and hatred. In fact love turns hatred into love. Our love is
mere personal preferential attachment. It may seem perfect in the
beginning but soon turns into conflicts, pain, envy, anger, and
hatred.

With distorted concept of love we set out looking for happiness in

some person and chattels. We seek love frantically and get
involved in pursuit of happiness. We think, only if we get some
one to look after our happiness than we will be done. We hope,
only if we acquire something we will be happy. But achieving
perennial source of joy becomes impossible because no one can be
responsible for our happiness. This distorted concept of love
creates a lot of pain and confusion. We become vulnerable and
frustrated. Our moment of ecstasy cannot be stretched more than
certain period of time because attachments do not have the
potential to sustain love.

In the beginning romantic love comes with a promise of happiness

but soon it manifests into possessiveness, jealousy, control,
resentment, the need to be right, and insecurity. We like romance
because it makes us feel very important, suddenly our existence
become meaningful. Some one needs us desperately. We have
become the source of love for someone and some one has become
the source of love for us. We feel intensely alive. Our whole world
revolves around each other. We feel incomplete without each
other, it becomes like a habit to be with each other, and this
dependency can be killing if one of the partners gets over with the
feelings. Rest of the world cease to exist for us, but love does not

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separate us from the world. Love is inclusive not exclusive. With
time it turns into slavery of a different kind; it gets us like a habit
we can’t get enough. Even the thought of losing our partner can
drive us nuts. Any other person coming close to our partner can
burn us in jealousy. We experience intense fear, fear of a lonely
tomorrow. We become doubtful.

When we feel like we should be honest to ourselves let’s ask. Is

this love that is making me feel like this or fear driven by my
insecurity is making me grasp and clingy. The thought of losing
the perks, fear of losing the grip on our partner, fear of being alone
makes us feeble, miserable, frail, pathetic, dependent, irritated,
angry and cranky. Nothing assures us, neither our children nor our
marriage certificate or a friend’s advice.

So we cling on to our children, parents and friends. We cling to

those who say yes to us but the moment some one gives us the
right advice, we avoid them. Our mind makes us feel so unsure of
our self, so suspicious and apprehensive that nothing comforts us.
Even our partner’s words do not assure. So we look for reasons to
justify our doubt. We blackmail, accuse, manipulate, lie and use all
the weapons of emotions. We become total imbalanced lunatics.
Even if we separate from our partner, we still nurture intense
resentment and grief. This is the cycle of intense romantic love. In
fact this is the cycle of all our attachments whether it is name, fame
or wealth. In the end it only gives us disillusionments. Love is not
like this; if we are in love we feel complete. So let us think before
we say I love you, this is not the way to make love happen in our
life .We have to be honest to ourselves.

We have the tendency to look for the fulfillment of our physical

and the psychological incompleteness in our relationship because
subconscious is always longing for wholeness that gives rise to the
desire for love because it’s only love that makes us feel fulfilled.
But we do not know what love is all about and how to love. We

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identify our self with our egoistic mind, which is incompetent to
guarantee us blissful life because love comes from our inner
presence. What we experience as love is human emotions rising
from attachment. Love is encompassing.

“One who serves me with constant devotion and love,

Rises above the three modes- gunas

And acquires the ability to become Brahman.”

Bhagavadgita.

Attachment comes to us in an attractive package called

excitement, momentary happiness, romantic love, attraction, need,
and lust. We get blinded and don’t want to be aware to recognize
these disguises. If we are honest to ourselves we will immediately
know it, but we don’t want to be honest .We lie and fool our self
.We are so attached to the illusionary projection of this world ,we
rather deny it. If we accept it as an attachment and not call it love
and be honest to our self, we can still avoid confusion and lead a
fairly normal, peaceful life. But instead of saying am attached to
you, am helpless without you, we say no one loves me the way I
do.

Until we access our own being we will never be able to give love.
If we look around consciously we will realize that we have
immense potential to hate the person we claim to love the most.
The moment conflicts begin we start oozing poison, all kinds of
emotional poison, hostility, hatred, deceive, lies, more the
intimacy, more the pain. It takes such an ugly turn one cannot even
imagine once there was love. We seek completeness in our partner,
but he himself is incomplete how can he help us become complete.
He is also seeking love in the wrong place. Soon enough low
empty feeling engulfs both the partners. Which turns into
depression, resentment, anger, fear and indifference.

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We tend to look for this wholeness in children, in parents, in
friends, in business and in possessions. They are just a part of our
life, not the source of our salvation. Subsequently we pass our fear,
hatred and insecurities to our children, friends and also our parents.
We give what we have ….law of nature!

This does not mean we should avoid any relationship or

possessions. Action in it self is not right or wrong, it’s the intention
and the wrong expectation from the wrong source which causes the
friction. Accepting things as they are is just the expression of life.
But distorting the concept and then accepting it is unnatural. And
we all do that.

In love, our intensity and love will increase with time. We will not
take our partner for granted; there will be respect and love for what
our partner is doing. We will also respect our partner’s freedom,
desires and give space. We will forgive mistakes because we
know, no one is perfect. Like we forgive our child’s mistake. We
will not judge our partner for being so incompetent and dishonest.
We will have immense acceptance rather than trying to prove our
partner wrong. If we cannot do that we should gracefully move
away, not manipulate. We should be honest to tell the truth no
matter what may be the consequences.

If we want to enslave and shackle our spouse, parents, children and

friends we are not looking for happiness and love. Love is based
on willingness, willingness to surrender, willingness to give space
and willingness to accept. Willingness to do good and forget.
Willing to be thankful. If we cannot tolerate our partner being
happy with anyone we have no right to expect happiness either.
Even mother feels jealous of her son’s happiness, sister feels
jealous of her brother’s happiness, and daughter feels jealous of
her father’s happiness what kind of love is this? This is insecurity,
not love. If we recognize this willingly there comes a shift in our
being. We will be touched by love. Our major problem is not being

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able to accept what we do not like. Its natural not to like something
but to resist that is a huge leek of energy. Like pain is a natural
process but suffering is self-created. Try it; if you accept your pain
with out resentment, it goes away sooner than you expect it. But
we have the tendency to make it larger than it is by getting hyper,
by saying why only me? We suffer more than we are needed to
suffer because of our resistance. One’s karma needs expression…
let it happen.

In true sense we really do not need any reference point to love, we

don’t need any object of love to be loved and to love us. Our object
of love is just a catalyst to evoke attachment. We can love just like
that by being love it self. When we become like this, our true
nature reveals itself. We will love everyone and everything around
us without any expectation, without any judgment because we are
willing to understand why they are like this. We will never have
dearth of love in our life, no need to chase love, and it will come to
us, trust me.

“One who sees me every where and everything in me. I watch him
all the time and he also looks at me all the time.”Gita.

Alas! We identify ourselves too much with this body, mind and
intellect .We forget the essence of our being. This mind makes us
dislike such love because mind needs to feel exclusive. He should
only love me, I am extraordinary, and my mother should not love
any other children because she belongs to me. Wife does not allow
husband to love his own mother; mother does not like her son
being loved by his wife. What if God becomes like us. We have
even made God exclusive to ourselves that is why we fight in the
name of God. One touched by god’s grace knows no difference
between the worshipper of stone and devotee of God. For him,
both are fundamentally correct so there is no conflict, no
contradiction and no fight. That is why love has become rare.
Some time we do get glimpses of love, when we do some actions

5
without any calculations, without any selfish motive and intention.
When we are in certain situations where there is no time to think
what’s there for me. When there is a silence in the flow of mind.
We feel touched by something and experience tears of bliss. We
experience the joy of our inner bliss. Such sensation of great joy
unexpectedly appears in the most unlikely places. We get so
touched and moved that we experience smile and tears at the same
time. This is love. Why it is so difficult to love? Our potential to
love depends on our connection with our being. Love is
experience. You have to practice love. Love does not need any
justification or explanation. Love is not mean or insecure, love is
generous, love is profound, love is magnanimous, and love gives
freedom to encompass everyone. Love does not punish, Love does
not make one feel guilty. Love is god.

Only a loving heart can do a compassionate act. We should not

even do charity from a superior plane. Charity is an act of
compassion done only out of love. One is not coming from the
space of pride. The intention and the motivation makes the action
negative or positive.

It is not necessary to be rich, to do charity. If we have the spirit to

share, we can do charity no matter who we are. A cousin of mine
Yanki immensely moved by the idea of charity wanted to be of use

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for a good cause, not necessarily by being monetarily charitable to
some organization. She got a fabulous opportunity of going to
Tharpa Choeling Nunnery in Muktinath, Mustang a part of Nepal
bordering Tibet to teach English to the nuns there. Her sojourn in
that amazingly beautiful place was an overwhelming experience.
As shared by
her, the nuns
aged between
12 to 25 yrs
had not much
exposure to the
outside world;
their world in
which they
happily and
contently lived Yanki with nuns
actually had an
air of
compassion, love and respect for all sentient beings. Their every
little act spoke volumes about their compassion toward their fellow
mates, the people residing in the neighboring village, animals,
insects, and the nature that surrounded the nunnery. It was amazing
to see all these women living together in harmony for others with
no expectations from anyone. By the end of Yanki’s stay in the
nunnery, she had more to take back home than the nuns who
passionately tried learning English.

Like I said, you have to be honest to yourself. Many opportunities

come on your spiritual path. When our act of sharing evokes sense
of deep faith and bliss i.e. charity. When the act of giving evokes
pride that is ego. The kingdom of heaven lies within us but we are
always begging. Our prayer is nothing but begging our spiritual
pursuits end in some sort of demands from a higher source. We
beg and we teach our children to beg. If we are a giver we will
always be a giver and if chose to be a beggar we will always be a

7
beggar no matter how much we have in our treasure. You learn the
art of giving, you kill the beggar in you. Always remember a
beggar can never be happy. Choice is yours what you want to be.

Charity is not indiscriminate distribution of wealth. Indiscriminate

charity has resulted in lot of social beggars under the garb of
N.G.O. It hurts me to see how inhuman we humans can get. True
charity emanates from compassion not from the mind of a greedy
being. Shanti deva:

Whatever joy there is in this world

All comes from desiring others to be happy.

And whatever suffering there is in this world

All comes from desiring myself to be happy.

An honest lady once said, “ I love the concept of compassion but

the moment I have to offer prayer for my enemy I just clamp”. If
we look deep inside we are not doing any favor to any one by
being compassionate. We are doing investment to be happy now
and we are doing long-term investment to change our future
destiny. If you want to be selfish be selfish this way. Who knows
our present parents must have been our past enemy and our past
enemy may be our present parents. We do not know the karmic
link. We all are here to purify ourselves, to get rid of our karmic
cycle. We are lost in the world of illusion, with feeble and fragile
life beyond our comprehension. We have no urge to understand
neither life nor death, distracted by our attachment and need we
come back again and again to live our karma. Our heaven and hell
is here. Light in the heaven does not come from any where it is just
the glow of the pure spirits; we are the light of the pure land. It
takes millions of birth, to glow. All of us are the potential light.

8
Who glows here will glow there too… please trust me.
Unconsciously living has caused immense danger to humanity and
cosmos. Live while you are alive.

I have been in the construction business for a long while now, with
both parents working on the site, their children are brought to the
construction site and left unattended because of no option. They
often become victims of fatal accidents likely to occur in such an
environment. If they escape from accidents, it’s the unhygienic
surrounding and hunger that leaves them tormented. Since then I
wanted to come up with a facility where such parents could leave
their children without having to worry about their safety, where
their time is utilized in the best possible way.

This thought gave birth to Anki Home, an NGO. My mission in

establishing this crèche is not only to provide them a roof in
absence of the parents but also making sure that their valuable
childhood is not wasted. Anki Home started with 23 children and is
currently taking care of about 65 children aged between 3-12yrs
and has its door and heart open to any child in need. Here the
children are fed with proper nutritious food, three times a day,

9
which includes breakfast, lunch and a healthy snack before they
head back home. The children in the crèche have been given
proper immunization.

Laden an old friend of mine

recently was in Delhi for 15
days; this was after the demise of
my children Karma and Dechen.
Her only reason to be here was to
check how I was doing after the
loss of my children and to
encourage me to have another
baby. She is not the only one
who thought so. When she came
here she was not only surprised but also happy to see that I am
beautifully coping with my life without any regrets or self-pity. I
explained to her I need not have another baby to feel parental love
and we must accept the good and the bad, happy and sad situations
in our life equally. Acceptance is the mantra to no confusion. Life
is a continuous cycle of 3 state of consciousness. We all go
through these states of waker, dreamer and deep -sleeper. When we
leave the waking state we enter the dreamer state when we leave
the dreamer state we enter the deep sleep state. The dream world is
totally different from the waking world. It exists only for the
dreamer and not for the waker or the deep sleeper.

Dream world consists of the things, beings, existence, emotions

and thoughts appearing in the dream state. It is totally different
from waking world because it exists only for the dreamer. The
deep sleep experiences emptiness or shoonya in this state we
merge ourselves with our divine self. We tend to ignore or dismiss
the state of emptiness or nothingness. In fact this nothingness is
our real source of life because of which we continue to exist with
our individuality. Anki sleeps and wakes up as Anki with all the
identification of Anki, this continuity is provided by this

10
nothingness. Everything arises out of this nothingness .We ignore
the experiences of dream world and deep sleep worlds or we just
dismiss it as mere rest for the body. If we understand these three
states of our consciousness it will be easier for us to understand the
pure state of consciousness, which gets totally ignored. Due to that,
we do not understand our self and the creator or that emptiness we
all have arisen from.

In true sense even waking state is nothing but a dream. If dream

world and deep sleep worlds are unreal even waking world is not
real. Our life revolves around these three states of consciousness.
Each of them exists only during the period of its state of
consciousness, not before or after. When we are dreaming we do
not acknowledge waker world, only dream world is true for the
dreamer. Dreamer goes through all the experiences created by
dreamer’s mind emotions fear, insecurity, lust, love, deceive,
greed, pain every thing that happens in waker’s world happens in
dream world. But when we wake up dream world cease to exist.
Even the experience we feel we dismiss as untrue. But if we are
aware we can learn so much from our dream, one most important
thing I learnt from my dream is to protect myself from the
unnecessary suffering we go through in our waker world. Like
when some one insults me in my dream I don’t burn myself in my
anger and hurt when I wake up. And I guess all of us do the same.
But I practice the same thing in my waking world; I can chose to
accept the insult even here. If something hurts me even due to my
own mistake, I learn the lesson and accept the pain. Try it, when
we accept we realize the illusive nature of our reality. It’s our
resistance that gives its reality. We should not limit our love only
to our family, friends and the people we care about. By doing so,
we are only making our world smaller. We have abundance of love
within us why not share it with everyone. I love every one with the
same kind of intensity not expecting anything in return. With so
much love in me, how can I not be happy with myself? So when
Laden left after a short stay with me, she did not go back sad. In

11
fact, she said she wouldn’t call me often, as before because she
knows that I am okay. And I know for sure she will change her
attitude towards life.

Anki Home Class Room

Anki Home also functions as a pre school for these children so that
their time in the crèche is equally divided between studies and fun.
The teachers and the nanny of the crèche make sure that the
children are proper tutored, fed and looked after. My dream is to
have 100s of such day care in all the construction sites in India
because this problem is unique in underdeveloped countries. And if
the situation permits I yearn to have residential care centers before
my husband and children throw me out of the house (joking). I aso
take this opportunity to say sorry to my family, my friends, my
beautiful children and all my loved ones for being busy and not
being able to take out time for them, especially my in-laws. What
can I do? There is only 24 hours and I have so much to do in every
moment. I am being greedy and selfish because I know time is
running out, I am only approaching towards the end of this tenure.
But without your support it would have been very difficult.

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Recently Varsha, age 4,
went for a surgery, which
changed her life
completely. The day Anki
Home took her in she had
a huge tumor on her right
cheek, which sordidly
covered a portion of her Varsha (before surgery)
innocent yet malnourished
face. I decided on
getting it operated though
her parents were not so
keen, also because she is
not a son. Parents were
more than satisfied that
they had a place to leave
their children while they
work.
At Medanta Medicity Varsha with Doctor (after surgery)
Hospital she was diagnosed
with Right cheek Vascular Malformation.She had a history of
swelling in her right cheek since birth that had been increasing
ever since. Her surgery was done by Dr.Rakesh K Khazanchi
MBBS, MS, MCH (plastic surgery), Director plastic, Aesthetic
&reconstructive surgery. The entire surgery which would have cost
us close to 4 lacs, was performed for an amount of Rs.50,000/.
This was made possible by Dr. Rakesh K Khazanchi to whom we
are highly obliged. Varsha now lives a happy childhood without
the baggage of carrying the tumor on her face. She now appears
more energetic and happy.

We have another bundle of joy called Dichen who stays with us.
Apparently her mother eloped with another man, leaving three
children behind and taking with her every penny they had. She is
under nourished; in spite of being slightly more than 2yrs anyone

13
would mistake her for a
six month old. When we
first brought her in, she
was traumatized, would
Dichen (maid)
not smile or respond.
Dichen is being medically
treated, an extreme case of
malnutrition, however she
is recovering quicker than
expected, an x ray report
also shows a small
fracture
on her left wrist. For some
reason she was very
scared of men, when we
initially got her. God only knows what this little kid must have
gone through. Now she is being taken care and loved by everyone
and we are slowly breaking the ice. She is steadily beginning to
trust people around her, and has started laughing.

Like Varsha and Dichen there are

many more children wanting to be
given an opportunity of a better and
a normal life. If you want to meet
them come to Anki home and share a
lunch with them. Not everyday we
get an opportunity to do something
worthwhile for others without any
reservations or expectations. Don’t
ever miss the opportunity to show
your compassion and to convey your
attitude of gratitude to the universe.

To thank divine for helping us do the right thing, to gain right

karma, to craft right destiny that we are the giver not the receiver,

14
let’s join hands and take a pledge to make an effort to do what we
can for these little children. And if you want to make a difference
to your self, do it now. Your one noble thought can make a
difference to many lives. Let us be the light, not the source of
darkness for ourselves.

Anki Home Children enjoying golf cart ride

We have lost our depth to

life. We have become
flippant by focusing our
attention only on things
easy, convenient,
profitable and pleasurable
for us. We want shortcut
to everything, even to
enlightenment. For a
profound experience, we need deep dedication, enormous focus
and awareness. Saying I’m happy, everything is all right in my
world will only lead to more confusion. Life has to find its

15
expression. If we suppress it, it will give rise to some other issue.
Pain is a natural process, suffering is in our hands. We cannot deny
life its expression. This will create more karma. We have to
consciously drop all our tendencies and all physical and mental
identifications in order to see and experience our inner nature,
which is so badly clouded by them. Karmic account is not recorded
somewhere else in some other realm it is in us. Imagine your self
like a walking talking chip of karmic account. Its beyond our
comprehension to imagine the memories knowledge and
information it carries. We carry it in our mind, body and energy. It
is a very different kind of recording, still physical. We have to
learn to dismantle all our mental and physical tendencies and
identifications or else we will keep on coming back to fulfill our
unfulfilled desires. Because of this chip we are bounded by the
limitations of our body, mind and intellect and subject to law of
impermanence and suffering of samsaric mind. Remember all the
recording is longing for expressions. But the truth is we are
eternally free. All the suffering and the bondage and samsaric
nuisance are imaginary as that of a dream. Brought about by the
ignorance of our waking state of illusive mind. Our inner being is
absolute, immaculate, and ever blissful. Human being a supreme
pathological case because we believe all our lies as the truth.

Being aware is being alive. What is awareness? Awareness is

mistaken for attentiveness or alertness. Mental alertness is not
awareness. It is not intellect either. Awareness is not convenient.
Awareness makes us aware of things that we usually perform
unconsciously for example, we don’t need awareness to become
angry but we need immense awareness to control anger. We don’t
need any awareness to become irresponsible being but to become
responsive and responsible being needs awareness. We must also
understand awareness is not suppression. When we are extremely
hungry we may over eat, but to stop our self from overeating is
awareness. Dieting, fasting, jogging, mountain climbing, working
above all, spiritual practicing is not suppression. Do not

16
misunderstand anything before you understand something
properly. Our preconceived notion sometime keeps us away from
beautiful beings and phenomena.

Lets be aware of the cosmos, let us not separate our self from the
cosmos, we are the parts of the cosmos, allied with each other with
the veins of interdependent karmic cycle and the law of
impermanence, sustained by birth and death permanently flowing,
like a river, if we break it, its just a weak hand full of water but
together it’s a river with immense energy power and spirit.

Anki

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