1.

INTRODUCTION

Welcome

Leadership coach and lynda.com director of learning and development Britt

Andreatta shares her tips and strategies for having difficult conversations. In her
four-phase model, you'll discover the situations that lead up to difficult
conversations, decide when the conversation is warranted, prepare for the
interaction, and monitor outcomes to ensure success.

Along the way, learn the secrets of turning difficult conversations into successful
interactions that enhance communication and rapport. Improve both your
professional and personal relationships, finding your way back from conflict
through mutually successful outcomes.

Topics include:

 What is a difficult conversation?

 Understanding why conversations go badly
 Changing your tipping point
 Building your ladder—and climbing down
 Knowing your triggers
 Reframing your adversary
 Being prepared for the conversation
 Taking responsibility
 Sharing goals and experience
 Co-creating a solution
 Developing the action plan
 Building better feedback

Effective communication

Before we get into difficult conversations, I want to give you some simple but
powerful strategies for improving your communication in general. I recommend
using these every day, during your regular interactions. If you use them
consistently, they should cut down the situations that could build up to difficult
conversations. First, use as many levels of communication as you can. Humans
pick up a lot of meaning from the non verbal cues that we see and hear when we
interact. This is why you should be careful using email and text to convey important
information. That loss of non verbal information can have the other person hear a
whole different meaning than what you intended. The important thing here is that
they all line up. For example, if you're praising your team's efforts, don't be shaking
your head.

Or if you want to connect with some one on a personal level, don't meet in a noisy
place. Second, clearly share your intent for the communication. If you state your
goal, you'll increase the chances the receiver will hear it as you mean it. You might
say something like, the reason I am calling you is to apologize for how the meeting
went. Or, the purpose for this email is to confirm that you're coordinating the trade
show. Third, avoid over generalizing things. It's fairly common that when we care
about something we state it more strongly.

But using phrases like you always or you never, are going to create defensiveness
in the other person. Also avoid exaggerating, which is a form of generalizing. This
is when ten minutes late becomes 20, or two missed meetings becomes three.
Overstating things give the other person a place to counter you with examples, and
then you're in an argument and not focused on the goal you want to achieve.
Fourth, speak for yourself. Use something called I statements. I statements are
when you speak in the first person, to talk about your experiences and your
feelings.

The goal is to convey the impact the other person's behavior has on you. For
example, instead of saying, it annoys everyone when you're late to meetings. Say
something like, when you're late to meetings I feel frustrated because I have to
rework the agenda on the fly. This will also help prevent you from speaking on
behalf of others, which can make someone feel ganged up on. Now, let's switch to
the receiver's perspective. There's also some good strategies to use when you're
the receiver in the communication. First, be an active listener. Focus on what the
other person is saying and show that you're listening. Use non-verbal signals, such
as nodding your head to show agreement, or leaning forward to show interest.

Most importantly, avoid the temptation to start building your counter argument in
your head. The goal of active listening is to be sure you're really hearing what the
other person is trying to convey. Second, ask questions. When you're the receiver,
you're goal is to make sure you're hearing the message accurately. If something's
not clear, ask a question that will provide clarity. Third, confirm what you
understand. One of my favorite techniques is called paraphrasing, and you share
back to the person what you think they said. This does not mean that you agree.
You're just making sure that you got the message correctly. For example, you
might say, so, what I'm hearing you say is my lateness causes extra work for you
and that's frustrating.

Finally, show your perspective. Once the other person feels heard, you can now
share what you think and feel. Hopefully, the other person who is now the receiver
uses the same techniques of active listening and so on. Be as clear as possible.
Identify where you are in agreement and where you disagree. If the situation is
complex, take each piece separately. In the dialogue, you'll go back and forth using
the strategies for senders and receivers. During the conversation, you'll both
increase your clarity and understanding.

Over time, as you have more and more successful communications, you'll also
build trust. Using these strategies for everyday communication will greatly enhance
your effectiveness as well as your relationships. But difficult conversations are still
going to happen, and these strategies are not sufficient to get you through difficult
conversation. Difficult conversations are unique, because the stakes are higher
and our emotions are stronger. So, let's turn our attention to how to successfully
have difficult conversations.

Getting the most from this course

It's likely you're watching this course because you have a difficult conversation you
need to hold. That's great. I've designed it to walk you through the process step by
step so that you'll be prepared. I have some recommendations for getting the most
out of this course. First, wait to schedule your conversation until you've completed
all the chapters. Second, use the handouts in the exercise files. Throughout this
course I've created extensive worksheets for you to use, as you prepare for your
difficult conversations. These documents have been provided in the exercise files
for all lynda.com subscribers.

I've also provided a course outline for premium subscribers. I recommend that you
download these worksheets, that way you can access them easily when I
reference them during the course. Third, take time to practice. Most trainings on
this topic are eight to 16 hours long, and that's because they build the time to do
the exercises into the sessions. You'll be doing them on your own, but I can't stress
enough how important they are. Having difficult conversations is a high level skill,
and it'll take some practice to feel confident. Just like running a marathon or
learning any new skill, you'll get better with practice.

This will help you get comfortable with the strategies before you use them under
pressure. Fourth, some difficult conversations have legal ramifications. If you're
difficult conversation has the potential to involve legal action, please consult with
an attorney who knows the laws of your state and country. Finally if you can,
partner with a friend or colleague. Watch this course together, and do the
exercises, sharing your findings with each other. You'll not only gain new
understanding by hearing about their experience, but you'll be able to coach and
support each other as well. And even better, when you have your difficult
conversation and it goes well, you'll have someone to celebrate with.

1. Understanding Difficult Conversations

1.1 What is a difficult conversation

What conversations do you find difficult. This answer might be different for each of
us, but we've all experienced difficult conversations. And what is a difficult
conversation? Well, if it's challenging for at least one of the people involved, then
its difficult. Some difficult conversations are planned, and we know their
coming. And many are spontaneous and catch us by surprise. Sometimes you
might be the initiator of a difficult conversations, either delivering bad news or
confronting someone about a problem. And most of us have been on the receiving
end too.

Someone's come to us with challenging information that we've had to

hear. Obviously, difficult conversations occur in all areas of our life. They certainly
are at the heart of our professional lives. Some example include, delivering a poor
performance review, giving feedback to your boss about their behavior, talking to a
colleague who makes offensive comments, or letting an employee go. They
happen on our personal lives too. Some personal examples could be, breaking up
with a romantic partner, confronting a neighbor about noise issues, or asking a
family member to stop criticizing you.

In the exercise files, you'll find a hand out for describing your difficult situations. I
recommend identifying one in your professional setting, and one in your personal
life. That way you can see how this process applies to various real world situations
you'll face throughout your life. This course will be most effective if actively use
each video to help to prepare for the difficult conversations you need to hold. That
way the exercise files can help you build step by step all the information you need
to have a successful conversation. In addition, you can further ground the
strategies for each step as you practice them.

1.2 The matrix of difficulty

When we talk about a conversation being difficult, we're really referring to

emotions. People find conversations challenging or difficult for a variety of reasons.
For the initiator, conversations are generally difficult for two reasons. One, you're
concerned about their reaction to your message. And two, you're attached to the
outcome of the conversation. I'll get to the receiving end later in this course. For
now let's focus on when you're the initiator. First let's look at your concerns about
their reaction. This has to do with the other person's response during the actual
conversation itself.

Here are some typical concerns and there's overlaps between them. We'll be seen
as mean or aggressive. The other person will be hurt and cry. They might argue or
get defensive. They might blame us for the problem. They might yell or get
physically aggressive, or they might get back at us later. And this is exacerbated by
the relationship you have with the person. When the other person has more power
like a boss or parent you're probably more concerned about their reaction. Or if
you're emotionally close to the person you're probably more concerned than if
they're a new acquaintance.

Now let's look at your attachment to the response the other person has
following the conversation. This is actually the outcome you're hoping to achieve by
having the conversation. It's the thing you want them to change. Your attachment is
actually a measure of your personal investment in the outcome or how much it
directly affects you. Often things that rate as low attachment are issues where we
have bad news to deliver like a poor performance review, a medical diagnosis or
the ending of a relationship. The outcome is already pre-determined but we may be
concerned about the actual delivery will go or their reaction. Contrast that with
things that rate as high attachment. Usually the outcome is really in the hands of
the other person, but it matters a great deal to us.

Such as getting a key person in our life like a boss or family member, to change
behavior. High attachment reflects how badly we want or need the person to
change. If they don't hear us, or won't change, we'll be impacted in a negative
way. For example, if you're talking to your boss about her tendency to
micromanage, you're probably very attached to the outcome. Because it will
determine how you feel about your job and even your future with the company. Or
if you're talking to your spouse about money, you're highly attached because it
affects your standard of living.

There is another way to gauge your attachment, which is how upset the
other person makes you feel? With low attachment, your feelings about the other
person are not upsetting. You may feel neutral, ambivalent or even like the person,
but they don't tweak you. Think of it this way, if your feelings were a thermometer,
the temperature would be low to normal. Contrast that with high attachment
where you definitely have strong feelings, like anger, sadness or frustration. And
your emotional thermometer would be running hot. These two factors can be
mapped against each other to create a matrix of difficulty.

I've color coded the matrix to indicate intensity or strength of difficulty. Green is low
concerned and low attachment. Orange is high for either or both and yellow is
somewhere in between. It helps to map your difficult situations on this matrix
because it will help you get clear about the source of your difficulty. Let's take a few
examples. Let's say I have to deliver a poor performance review to my employee.
My attachment is probably low, because the outcome doesn't really affect my life.

But I do care about her. And I'm worried that she's going to be hurt or possibly
even cry. I would place it here, on the matrix. Or let's say that I need to talk to my
neighbor about his dog who barks all day. I work from home so I am highly
attached to the outcome, but Dan is one of the nicest guys I know so I'm not
worried about his reaction. I place it here on the matrix. And finally let's say I need
to talk to my boss about a problem that's arisen. He's the kind that shoots the
messenger so I know I'm going to get yelled at even though it's not my fault.

I'd place it here on the matrix. Issues are specific to the parties involved and are
shaped by their history together and the quality of their relationship. This happens
to be where I would place mine. Where would you place yours? Using the exercise
files, think about your difficult situations and place them on the matrix. Hopefully
this will help you sort out the source of the difficulty for each of your
conversations. You'll definitely want to use this course to prepare for anything that
rates highly on either or both areas, or the orange sections. You may also find this
course helpful for anything in the medium or yellow zone.

For the green zone, which has low ratings, review the video on
effective communication for some good strategies for navigating these lower risk
conversations. Speaking of risk, it's human nature to avoid it. Difficult
conversations can often feel risky for all the reasons you just identified. If you found
yourself procrastinating a difficult conversation or talking yourself out of your right
to say something, you're not alone. But don't worry, in this course I'll coach you
through all the steps to prepare for and have your difficult conversation.

1.3 When difficult conversations go badly

Let's see what a difficult conversation looks like when it doesn't go well. We're
going to watch Scott talk to his boss, Joe. Scott's concerned about Joe's
treatment of the staff. Over the past few months, Joe's been really critical of the
team's ideas, sometimes even demeaning or insulting them. Scott's experienced
this and also watched Joe do it to others. Scott believes this is hurting the group's
morale, not to mention his own enjoyment of his job. Scott has both a high amount
of concern for Joe's reaction and a high level of attachment to the outcome.

Scott: Thanks for agreeing to meet with me, Joe.

Joe: Yeah. But I'm not sure why this couldn't wait until our regular meeting, but go
ahead.

Scott: Well, I wanted to talk to you about the dynamic I'm noticing in our
interactions. It seems like you're getting more critical with my suggestions, and
I've gotta tell you, it's starting to make me feel like you don't value my
contributions.

Joe: That's not true. Most of your ideas were used on our last product. Or have you
forgotten that? Listen, Scott, it all comes down to the same thing. I want you to stop
undermining me in front of others. That's the real problem here.

Scott: I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's not just me. I've noticed that you're,
demean everyone's work, and it's starting to affect the morale.

Joe: Look here, that's ridiculous and you know it. I'm always watching out for you
guys, looking after you. How do you think you go that raise. It's not my fault you
have mediocre ideas. My job is make sure only best ideas move forward.
Scott: Yeah, but you don't have to insult people. Maybe if I had more time to
prepare I could come up with better ideas. I mean, you find fault in everything, and
no one's going to want to work on your team anymore.

Joe: The real problem here is that you need to adjust your attitude. The rest of our
team is producing good work, and everybody else seems happy here. I'm the boss.
This is how I lead. Take it or leave it. I gotta get to another meeting. We're done
here.

Female: Oof, that did not go well. Although it's clear that Scott communicated his
complaint, neither person is better off now than when they started. In fact, it's
probably worse. We've just watched the visible part of a difficult conversation, the
conversation itself. But did this come out of nowhere? Now, there's a history of
interactions that led up to Scott initiating this talk.

In the next video, we'll look at how Scott and Joe got here.

1.4 The pathway to problems

When difficult conversations go badly, they follow a pattern of four phases. These
are 1 the Build Up, 2 Case Building, 3 the Confrontation, and 4 the Aftermath. We
just witnessed the confrontation between Scott and Joe. But it went badly, largely
due to what happened in the Build Up and Case Building phases. Let's see how
Scott and Joe got to where they are now. As we go through these phases,
think about your own difficult situations and see if you can identify any of these
elements.

Stage one is the Build Up, the buildup is the phase when a series of things
happen that start to make you feel upset. In this case, Scott experienced
Joe talking down to him on a number of occasions. Joe's generally a good boss, so
at first, Scott chalked it up to a bad day or a misunderstanding. But it kept
happening to the point where Scott saw it as an issue. Stage two is case building.
This is where you've not yet decided to say something, but you've definitely
decided there is a problem. In this stage you start keeping an invisible list of all the
things the other person does wrong. Scott finds himself noticing every time Joe
talks down to him and he even sees it happening to others.

You know, you're in this stage when you start making snarky comments in your
head. For Scott, it was, there he goes again, tearing people down. Or Mr. insult is
in the building. Scott was wise enough to know that it could be just his issue. So,
he checked with others on the team. And he found out they felt the same
way. When others agree, it often validates our concerns. And gives the case
building phase even more momentum. For Scott, his case building expanded to
include any time Joe exhibited the behavior with anyone, not just with himself.
In fact, he didn't have to witness it. If he heard others talk about it, he added it to
the invisible bag of evidence he was collecting. People can hang out in the case
building stage for a while, but something usually pushes them to the tipping point,
which is when they want to take action. It's usually a function of frequency, the
person does the offending behavior a certain number of times. Or intensity, the
offending behavior hits a new level that's unacceptable. Either way its the
proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back and the person is ready for stage
three.

The confrontation. The confrontation is when you finally talk to the person about
the concern. But it's often in the form of accusation and blaming. Luckily Scott's
emotionally intelligent, so he didn't just go off on Joe at the meeting. In fact, Scott
wanted to approach this carefully so he did some reading about how to handle
conflict. He learned some great strategies like setting a private meeting time and
using I statement to express his concerns. He mapped out his talking points, and
he even got himself calm so he could have a good conversation. But despite these
strategies, we saw how badly it went. Even though Scott started off well, he was
still standing on the mountain of evidence he'd accrued.

And Joe could sense that, and did what most people do when they feel that they're
under attack. He got defensive. In this case, he attacked back. Thus triggering
defensiveness in Scott and we're off to the races. This scenario is quite tame in
comparison to some I've witnessed, but damage was done, nonetheless. And that
leads us to the last stage, the aftermath. In this stage, the relationship is often
harmed by things done and said in the confrontation. There's usually more
animosity and trust is damaged. And for both men, they got to confirm their fears.

Scott really thinks Joe is demeaning and doesn't want to change and Joe
thinks Scott's ungrateful and undermining his leadership. But, it doesn't have to go
this way, with just a few different strategies, Scott can handle difficult conversations
much better and so can you.

1.5 Four phases of succesful conversations

Do difficult conversations have to end badly. No. In fact, they can be some of the
most successful conversations you've ever had. I've seen relationships completely
change for the better as a result of them. From here on now, I'm going to refer
to successful conversations. The topic that you're discussing may be difficult, but
the outcome can be very positive. When successful conversations happen, the
initiator takes a different path. In doing so, they set a whole new trajectory for the
problem and the parties involved. Let's break down what the difference is.

Successful conversations also have a pattern and four phases. In this case, they're
as follows. Number one, the Buildup. Two, Reflection. Three, the
conversation. And four, the Follow Through. The first stage is still the build up, and
it's actually the same as before. A series of things happen that make you notice a
pattern. Scott sees Joe's behavior as demeaning to him and others. And you may
even engage in some case building. It's human nature to verify our views by
collecting information.

And so, that's going to happen. Some of it is necessary for sorting out which issues
really matter to us. But when you notice that an issue's building, you want to take
charge of the process and intentionally enter stage two, the reflection. This stage is
the cornerstone of the whole process, so, we're going to explore it thoroughly in
later videos. But for now, we can summarize it by saying that you'll spend time
reflecting on why the other person's behavior bothers you. More importantly, you'll
focus on getting clear about what you really want. You'll try to look at things from
their perspective and you'll use that information to prepare for the conversation.

Next, is stage three, the conversation. And it's really designed to be just that, a
dialogue between those involved to share their perceptions, identify shared goals,
and co-create a solution that works for everyone. And that takes us to stage four,
the follow through. The process now unfolds with you and the other person working
together, over the next few weeks to implement the changes you've identified. You
hold each other accountable and address any issues that arise. When this process
goes well, it builds mutual understanding respect and trust, which will carry you
through any unforeseen challenges in your plan.

Now, I know some of you are doubting that things can go that smoothly. But I'm
telling you, I've seen this process work time and time again. Even in some pretty
dicey conflicts where there were a lot of hard feelings already built up. We're now
going to cover each stage in depth, and teach you specific skills and strategies to
use so, you can have successful conversations.

2. The Buildup Phase

2.1 Changing yout tipping point
As I shared earlier, the Build Up is the phase when a series of things happen that
start to bother you. For Scott, it's that Joe has been talking to Scott in a way that he
perceives as demeaning or insulting. This is happened a few times now. Some
typical examples from home might include the spouse who leaves their socks on
the floor. Or the mother-in-law who gives you parenting advice. There are a couple
of important things I'd like you to know about the Build Up phase. The first is to not
let it go on too long. The reason is because the more you hang out in this phase
the more you're likely to start case building, which will create more work for you
later on.

To shorten the buildup phase, change your tipping point, which is the moment
when you're moved to action. We usually hit the tipping point due to frequency or
intensity. Something happens a certain number of times or it hits a level of
unacceptability. Maybe it was the twentieth day you found the socks on the floor or
the day your mother-in-law undermines your authority. One way to shorten the
build-up phase is to lower this mark of measurement. Let's see what that looks
like. In terms of frequency, lower your current threshold to a much smaller number.

I like to use the number three. When something happens a third time, I'm clear that
it's become a pattern, and yet it's not so many times that I'm deep into the case
building phase. I know I'm not overreacting, but I'm not too upset yet either. For
Scott, talking to Joe after the third incident would have really helped them both. In
terms of intensity, you also want to set a lower bar than you may have in the
past. For example, you might think about your emotional thermometer on a scale
from one to ten. If you normally act when you hit a number eight, you might want to
lower that to a four.

Obviously, this is all personal and rather subjective, but it helps to have a way of
thinking about your tipping point and then intentionally lower the marker. One of my
personal tricks that I picked up ten paint chips from a local home improvement
store. These range from a nice kelly green to a deep red, and running through light
green to yellow to orange. This gives me a great visual for knowing when
something's bothering me. I address problems when they move into the yellow
zone. This can work for either frequency or intensity. Just be clear with yourself,
which one it is.

Of course, some behaviors are very problematic. And a one time violation should
move you immediately into action. Like any type of harassment or violence. If you
feel unsafe in any way or are concerned about the safety of others, then get help
right away. The second thing I want you to know about the build up phase is that
you need to keep this focused on your experience. It's okay to check in with others
to see if they are having the same issue or perception, but you don't want to take
on their stories. Misery loves company. But commiserating with others launches
you firmly into the case-building phase.

And you can quickly take on more feelings and examples than are just yours. Also,
be careful who you process your thoughts or feelings with. You want to make sure
that they don't start case-building for you. Scott's been talking with his best friend
who keeps telling him not to put up with a bad boss. He's been telling Scott he can
get a better job and even sending him job announcements. Family, friends, and
long-time colleagues will have good intentions, of course, because they care about
you. But it doesn't really help you in the long run to have them jump on the Joe's a
jerk bandwagon.

The best kind of support is when the other person can just listen and maybe ask
some good clarifying questions. Their goal should be in helping you get clear about
how you feel, and what you want. Not convincing you of anything. Think about the
people in your support network, like family, friends, colleagues and mentors. You
want to reach out to those people who will help you move toward a
conversation rather than a confrontation.
2.2 What's undersneath the situation

At the core of the build up phase is the series of things that happens between
people. For Scott the situation with Joe has been building for weeks over several
different interactions at work. This is included team meetings one on one
discussions and even emails. But it's not always just the words that are being
said. Researchers have discovered that there are four levels to our
communication. One level is a verbal communication, which occurs in the form of
words either spoken or written. This includes modern media like email, text
messages, and kinds we've yet to develop.

If words are involved, it's verbal. Then there is the paraverbal level, which is how
the words are used. For example, shouting, or all capital letters, conveys an
intensity that adds more meaning to the words themselves. Other aspects include
tone of voice, silences, and even interrupting others. The third level is nonverbal
communication such as body language and eye contact. This kind can only be
detected by seeing the person. But this rich source of information is lost when we
communicate in writing. I'm sure we can all think of a time when an email or text
message got us in trouble because someone took it differently than we intended.
This is one of the challenges of our modern media landscape, especially when
people work remotely.

Finally, we have the extraverbal level, which is meaning conveyed beyond the
words. This may have to do with time or place of the communication, the power
level of the sender, and other aspects that also convey meaning. Whether he
knows it or not, Scott is using information from all of these levels to make sense of
his interactions with Joe, which are contributing to the conflict. One of the early
pioneers of this work was Harvard business professor Chris Argyris. He recognized
that when humans are talking, they have a whole series of things that they're
thinking, but not saying.

Now this may seem obvious. After all, cartoonists have been filling those thought
bubbles for years with all sorts of snarky comments. But Argis found that important
elements of the conflict live in those unsaid thoughts. One part of understanding
how an issue is building for you is to take a look at them. Try this exercise. Take a
sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. Now think about your difficult
situation. On the right side of the paper, write down what you each said and did
during just one interaction. Now on the left side, write down what you were
thinking. But did not say.

Here's an example with Scott doing this exercise about a recent interaction he had
with Joe at a staff meeting. Scott: Oh great. Looks like he's in another one of his
moods. Joe: Let's get started. Who has an update for me? Brook: I'm finishing up
the specs. I can have them for you after lunch. Joe: I was hoping they'd be ready
by now. Scott: Whoa man you only gave them to her this morning. Look at how
intimated she is. Brook: Okay I'll see what I can do. Scott: Hey I've been thinking
that there is a way to improve the design. I hope he listens this time I've
worked really hard on this. Joe: Unless you can show an increase in pressure by at
least 5%. Don't bother.

Scott: Why does he always have to dismiss me. He needs to listen to me. But there
are other ways to improve this product, if you'll just listen, I can explain. Joe: Look,
I don't have time to hold your hand on this. Unless you can show a big change in
pressure, don't waste my time. Scott: So he thinks I'm a kid? I hate it when he
demeans me like that. Whatever you say. This guy is a loser. Female: Interesting,
huh? As you can see, we learn a whole lot more about this conflict by looking at
the left column.

This is the window into the meaning that Scott has been making over the series
of interactions he's had with Joe. If Scott did this activity for every interaction he
had with Joe, we would actually have a map of his build-up process. Before you
move on to the next video, I highly recommend that you do this activity. If you want,
map out two to three of your most recent interactions. It will give you some good
information about how the situation is building up for you. Right now, we're just
capturing the information. We'll do more with it later in the reflection phase.

2.3 Making meaning

As we just discussed, we can read a lot into a situation. Our unsaid thoughts are a
running tally of the meaning we're making. Lots of researchers have explored how
humans make meaning. Did you know that we are biologically wired to scan for
information, sorting for danger and filling in the blanks as we go? Our brain's goal
is survival. If it can take what's happening and come up with some understanding
and even rules, we can navigate a similar situation in the future. We do this all day
long, every single day and most of it's invisible to us. Over our lives, we build up a
useful database of information and experience in our mind.

For example, we've learned that stoves can be hot and that it's impolite to refuse a
handshake. Or you may have learned that your supervisor's sensitive to critique so
now you make sure you word things carefully. How we make meaning is at the
heart of every difficult conversation. So let's take a look at what happens. Over
time, we take some facts, make some assumptions, and form beliefs about
others. This is called the Ladder of Inference. And its the model Chris Argyris
created from his research. We'll follow Scott through his process.

And for simplicity, we'll focus on how he experienced that one meeting. But in
reality, the ladder is usually built and solidified across several interactions over
time. At the bottom of the ladder are the facts. This is all of the available data in the
situation, what was actually said and done by each party including the non para
and extra verbal levels of communication. It'd be the information you could capture
on video. In Scott's situation the facts would be everything that was said and
done. Plus thousands of others details, like how the chairs were oriented to
each other, and what people wore. Use the handout in the exercise files to explore
your ladder. List as objectively as you can the facts that occurred. Pretend you're a
video camera and only write down what is observable data. The next level of the
ladder is what we focus on, or the selected data. Our conscious brain cannot track
every piece of information. So it selectively filters out huge portions.

Consider these questions. What stood out to you? And what did you focus on?

Scott: I noticed Brook looking down at her notebook. I heard Joe say, I don't have
time to hold your hand. Don't waste my time.

Female: The third rung of the ladder is the assumption we make based on the
data we've chosen to focus on. This is where we add meaning to the fact. Ask
yourself, how did I interpret what I saw and heard. What intention did I attribute to
their actions? Our assumptions are often the things that we think but don't say.

What would be in our cartoon thought bubble during the interaction? So take a
moment to jot down those things you thought but didn't say. Scott: I had several
thoughts most of which were sarcastic. Joe must be in a bad mood. He seems
annoyed with Brook. Brook sure looks uncomfortable. Joe thinks I'm a kid who
wastes his time. Female: The fourth level is conclusions which is where we add a
story to explain the situation. We add an extra level of meaning which is what
we've decided about this incident. Scott: I concluded that Brooke must be feeling
the same way I am about Joe. Joe is demeaning me and others like Brooke.

And Joe must not respect me if he can treat me so rudely. Female: Both
assumption and conclusion are heavily influenced by our own history. This
certainly includes our own experiences in the world but it also includes several
aspects of our cultural identity, things like the language we speak. Our nationality,
gender, race and even age shape how we interpret the behavior of others. Culture
can influence how we relate to the concept of time, how we manage our personal
space, how we praise others and how we approach conflict. I've seen many difficult
situations that are really a function of intercultural misunderstandings.

Take extra time in the reflection phase to also consider the role that your culture is
playing in shaping your ladder. And when you reflect on the other person, consider
how their culture is influencing their experience and perspective. Before we
continue with the rest of the ladder, use the exercise files to jot down some notes
about the facts, assumptions and conclusions you're making in your difficult
situations.

2.4 Building your ladder

Emotions play an important part in our difficult conversations. So it's vital to also
reflect on your feelings. In fact in my consulting work, I've seen emotions be so
central, that I've added this as a 5th rung to the ladder of inference. So let's take a
look at the role your emotions play. Now if you're like most people, this exercise
has reactivated some of your feelings about this person and the problem. Take a
moment to notice how it shows up in your body. Have you clenched your jaw has
your heart rate increased? What about your stomach, has it tightened? Also take a
moment to list any emotions or feelings you either had during the situation itself or
even now while reflecting on it.

Rate the strength of each emotion on a scale of 1 to 10 your

emotional thermometer here's what Scott noticed.

Scott: I get a knot in my stomach and I'm shaky in my chest. I was annoyed with
Joe's bad mood and how he treated Brooke. When he told me he couldn't old my
hand I was livid. I really hate it when people criticise me.

Female: The sixth rung on the ladder is beliefs, which get created over time. Our
beliefs are the more enduring conclusions we've made about the person that
expand beyond this one incident. Other past interactions usually come into the mix,
adding to our evidence. This is when we start to see things as the truth, when
really it's just our version of the truth.

What do you now believe about this person? Another way to figure out your beliefs
is to play fill in the blank. Complete these sentences with the first thing that pops in
your head. What I know about this person is? Scott: That Joe demeans everyone
on the team. Female: It's obvious to me that. Scott: The other team members
are bothered by it too. Female: And here we go again with the. Scott: Demeaning
behavior. Female: And finally the top of the ladder is actions which are the things
you say and do.

Consider about the actions you took during the incident and toward that person
overall. First, stay focused on this one situation. Jot down what you said and did
during the interaction and be honest. We all know when we're being dismissive or
sarcastic. Scott: I sat with my arms crossed. I probably sighed or made a face
when Joe spoke. I said, whatever you say, sarcastically. Female: Now, focus
beyond a particular incident to also explore the bigger picture.

As a result of your assumptions and conclusions, what other actions have

you taken in relation to this person or the bigger problem? Scott: I've asked other
team members if they feel like Joe is demeaning. And they said yes. During
meetings, I'll roll my eyes. I've been short with Joe when I talked to him. I've
stopped going by his office to ask him about his weekends or his kids. Female:
Wow. Doesn't this ladder seem like it's eight stories tall now? And that's just Scott's
ladder. Joe has his own ladder, as does Brooke. You can see how we build a story,
and then it starts to take on a life of its own.

Here's the other tricky thing about the ladder of inference. It has two loops built into
it. The first one goes from our beliefs back to selected data. Meaning that our
beliefs affect which data we choose to focus on. It's called the Confirmation Bias,
or Selective Perception. We start to look for the data that supports our beliefs, and
we ignore the data that contradicts them. The second loop happens between
actions and facts. The actions you take can affect future interactions, thereby
changing what happens.

For example, perhaps Joe starts to feel frustrated by Scott's sarcasm. Maybe he
comes to the next meeting determined to exert his authority. Well, we can imagine
how that will go over. Scott will have even more evidence that Joe is
intimidating. As you can see, this ladder is an active part of the build up and case
building phases. And it can provide a lot of juicy evidence for the inevitable
confrontation. But our goal is to stop that process, because it doesn't really work. It
usually just makes things worse. To create a successful conversation, you need to
work with your ladder, and actually come back down it.

This is one of the things we'll do in the reflection phase of the model.

3. The Reflection Phase

3.1 Clarifying your goals

At the heart of every difficult conversation is some kind of problem we're trying to
solve. Something isn't going as it should, and we want to make it better. The first
part of the reflection phase is to focus on what you want to achieve. This step is
really important and will guide the rest of the phases, so take time to do this step
properly. Now, the answer might seem obvious. For Scott, he might just want Joe
to stop demeaning people. And that's certainly part of it but it's not at the heart of it.
You see, when we're in a difficult situation, our perceptions get bound up by the
rungs of our ladder.

They literally box us in. To discover what we really want we have to step off the
ladder just for a moment and give ourselves permission to dream bigger. To get at
the heart of what you really want, I recommend this simple process. Again, we'll
use Scott as our example. Our goal is to get at the heart of what he really wants.
Ask yourself the question: what do I want?

Scott: For Joe to stop demeaning me and others at work.

Female: Then ask yourself, if I had that, what would it get me? Try to phrase it in
the positive, what you want, as opposed to what you don't want.

For example, Scott might initially say.

Scott: Well, I wouldn't feel so stressed about all the time, and I would feel so angry
at Joe.

Female: And he would rephrase that to.

Scott: Well, I would feel more relaxed and I'd actually enjoy my work again.

Female: Then ask it again, if I had that what would it get me?

Scott: I could get really excited about our projects and enjoy working with the
team.

Female: Then ask it again and keep going until you feel done. You'll get to a layer
where you'll say yes, that's it that's it, that's what I really want. Then write it down
as a statement starting with the words I want. For Scott he wrote.

Scott: I want to work on interesting projects with a fun and engaging group
of people, and contribute to a successful company.

Female: Can you feel the difference? This is Scott's real goal and it's much more
motivating than Joe needs to stop demeaning people. Another way to do this
activity is to imagine that you have a magic wand. When I coach clients, I ask the
question. If you could wave your magic wand, and create that perfect blank. In this
case, work environment. What would it look like? Then follow up with a few rounds
of what else, until you feel done. For some people, fantasizing about perfection is
easier than stepping back from a difficult situation.

So, pick the method that feels right for you. By the way, all of these techniques are
actually skills I learned in my coaching training. While they certainly apply to
difficult conversations, you can use them anytime you need to help yourself or
others gain clarity about something. Using the exercise files, do this process for
yourself, so that you're clear about what you really want.

3.2 Assesing what you already have

The next part of the reflection phase is to take stock of your goal. This will help you
put your difficult conversation into its appropriate context. Scott has gotten clear
about what he wants, which is I want to work on interesting projects with a fun and
engaging group of people, and contribute to a successful company. Next, you
should now assess where you already stand on this goal by breaking it into its
components. So, for Scott, he has four parts to his goal. One, interesting projects.
Two, fun and engaging people. Three, make a contribution. And four, to a
successful company. Once you've broken your goal into its components, next
assess where you stand on each of them. When Scott does his assessment
he realizes he's in pretty good shape. He really does enjoy the projects he works
on, he also feels that many of his teammates are fun and engaging people, their all
just being perfected by Joe. Scott thinks that he makes a valuable contribution to
the company and that the company is thriving and successful. So, Scott has three
out of four and talking to Joe is clearly necessary to help him achieve his goal.
After you've done your assessment, think about how it affects your feelings about
the difficult situation.
Scott actually feels allot better, he's clear that having a conversation with Joe is
really important, but he also feels like he has allot more going for him than he
realized. As you can imagine, assessing your goal can really shift your perspective.
When Scott goes to work, he can now look for and appreciate many aspects of his
work environment. Which means he's not just focusing all his attention on Joe's
faults. Your assessment will also give you some valuable information that will
become part of your conversation. But let me also chat with you about
what happens if your assessment is not positive.

I once worked with another client about a personal situation. She wanted to have a
difficult conversation with her boyfriend of eight years about him paying his share
of the bills. She already had several discussions, but she was getting really
frustrated. Her bigger goal was to be with a caring and loving man who was smart
and hard-working. She wanted them to share equally in the building of their life
together and to get married and have children. When she assessed her goal,
she discovered that she did not have several key elements. Mainly, he was not
hard-working. He had trouble getting and keeping jobs.

As a result, she carried the majority of their financial burden. And while he said he
wanted to get married and have children, he'd not yet proposed in their eight years
together. While it was difficult, she realized that even if he started paying his bills,
there were too many key pieces that would not go fulfilled. So, she decided to end
the relationship. While this seems sad, she was better off in the long run. Instead of
staying in this relationship and having one difficult conversation after another, she
was able to find a person who better matched her needs. This is why it's important
that you assess your goal.

You will provide a lot of clarity about whether or not you should have a difficult
conversation and what the topic should really be. So, assess where you are on
your goal. It's important that you take a deep and honest look at where things
currently stand so you can put your difficult situation into its context.

3.3 Climbing down your ladder

Now that you're clear about your goal, we want to revisit your ladder. This is the
next step of the reflection phase. You might want to get out the handout you
completed before on what your ladder looks like. The primary strategy we use for
this step is to question. You want to question the assumptions and conclusions
you've made, and you want to question the data you've been using. This requires
you to be willing to be wrong. I've certainly been wrong, and so, have many of the
clients I've coached through their difficult conversations. In fact, it's likely that you
are wrong at least on some level. So, you want to embrace this step with a true
spirit of curiosity. Remember, you're doing this privately, so, you have nothing to
lose. First, review the facts.
Pretend you're a video camera or even another observer in the room, you want
to look for other facts that you missed before. Ask yourself, what might others have
seen and heard? If they were looking at me, what would they have noticed? Scott
is going to unpack the overall situation with Joe, and not just one meeting. Choose
which process is most helpful to you for you difficult situation. Scott: They would've
seen me withdrawing from Joe and acting disrespectfully to him. They might have
noticed times when Joe was polite and kind to me and others.

Female: Next, seek other data. During this step, push yourself to not only look for
other data but contrary data. What are some aspects of the situation that you
overlooked or avoided before. What things about the situation might indicate the
opposite of what you assumed or concluded in the past. It's okay if you have to
make something up here, the goal is to open your mind to the opposite of what you
believed.

Scott: Joe does compliment me sometimes, like during divisional meetings.

He often surprises the team with lunch. Despite the budget cuts, he fought to
get me a raise.

Female: Next, question your assumptions. This is the wrung where our personal
beliefs and experiences added meaning to what we have observed. But we're also
influenced by the beliefs and experiences of our family, our cultural heritage and
society at large. Ask yourself, what am I assuming and why? Are my assumptions
based on my own personal experiences or what others have told me? List at least
3 other plausible assumptions you could make.

Scott: My best friend has been pushing me to not put up with a bad boss. I've been
taking on other peoples complaints, but when I think about it, their not as bothered
as I am. They described Joe as grumpy but not demeaning to them.

Female: Now, you want to challenge your conclusions. As we question our

assumption, it create space for us to challenge our previous conclusions. Ask
yourself these questions, why did I draw this conclusion? Is it based on sound
evidence and logic? And based on the three alternative assumptions you just
made, what are three alternative conclusions?

Scott: It doesn't make sense that Joe has suddenly become a mean person.
Perhaps Joe has some pressure at work that I don't know about. Or maybe Joe is
going through something in his personal life.

Female: The next step is to revise your beliefs. As the ladder further unravels, we
can now consider revising our beliefs. I know that as I have done this process in
the past, I feel more and more open as I've pushed on the confining boundaries of
my ladder. Ask yourself these questions. Based on my revised assumptions
and conclusions, which beliefs no longer make sense? What beliefs about this
person or situation am I now willing to let go of?
Scott: It doesn't make sense that Joe disrespects me.

While his behavior is different, something else must be causing it. Joe's behavior is
not harming the team.

Female: And finally, take different actions. Based on this exercise, how could you
have changed your actions during this one incident? How might or should your
actions change in relation to this person in general?

Scott: Whatever is going on, I should not be so short and sarcastic with
him. Perhaps he needs help, but doesn't know how to ask for it. Instead of
imagining things, I should connect with Joe about these issues.

Female: As you can see, Scott gained a lot of useful information from this
activity. Many of these insights will feature in the conversation he ultimately has
with Joe. Use the handout in the exercise files to go through this process for
your difficult situations.

3.4 Hijacks and hooks

Another important part of the reflection process is to look at the emotions that the
situation brings up. Review the feelings that are part of your ladder. Did you rate
any of them at a medium or high level on your thermometer? My guess is that you
did, otherwise the situation would not be all that concerning to you. Scott was
annoyed at a level five, frustrated at a level six and livid at a level nine. And were
any of your feelings accompanied by the fight or flight response. Your body has a
complex alarm system that's always on alert for potential attack.

When our brains senses danger, a walnut size piece of it called the amygdala, fires
off a signal, flooding our body with hormonal chemicals. This prepares the body to
literally fight the danger or outrun it. This happened to Scott when the though Joe
was calling him a kid. He felt a spike of anger along with a pounding heart and
clenched stomach. When were in this state, we actually lose access to the higher
functioning part of our brain. Really, the logical part of the brain shuts down as all
of our biological resources are funneled towards survival.

This whole thing is called Amygdala Hijack. This is when we tend to do and say
things we normally wouldn't in a calm state. I'm sure we can all think of some
examples. Interestingly, we all tend to have a pattern when our amygdala hijacks
us. We either go to fight or flight. As I describe the difference, see which one best
describes your pattern. The fight response is when we turn toward the threat and
we use aggression to protect ourselves. Now, aggression doesn't mean that we
start hitting people, although that is one option. It's typically more verbal Like using
criticism to attack someone's personality or character. Or a form of contempt,
where you use sarcasm or shaming to attack a person's sense of self with the
intent to insult. This can also include nonverbal behaviors like eye rolling or
sneering. The flight response is different. We're attempting to turn away from the
danger and use invisibility to hide. One type of flight behavior is withdrawing, where
we might stop participating in the interaction, or change the subject, or give
someone the cold shoulder, or use the silent treatment.

This is also known as stonewalling, and it convey's disapproval or

disconnection. Another type of flight behavior is defensiveness. Where we attempt
to deflect the perceived attack with excuses, disagreeing, or responding with
counter arguments that blame the other person. This is true in both our
professional and personal lives. Dr John Gottman has done amazing research and
has found that when couples fight, their relationship is doomed to fail if they use
what he calls the four horseman of the Apocalypse. These are criticism and
contempt, both forms of fight, and stonewalling and defensiveness, both tactics of
flight.

I would argue that all relationships suffer when these choices are used. What's
your tendency? Do you tend to get more aggressive? Or do you withdraw? Let's
look at Scott and Joe. Scott is exhibiting classic fight behaviors. He's using
sarcasm as his main form of aggression along with challenging Joe verbally. Scott
has done some withdrawing when he has pulled back from visiting Joe's office, but
under stress, Scott goes to aggression. It also appears that Joe does too. He gets
louder, stands up and uses dismissive language. Needless to say, when the two of
them get together, sparks start to fly. Using the handout in the exercise files, reflect
on your difficult situations. Identify when your amygdala hijacked you, what
happened? See if you can identify your pattern.

Do you tend to fight and go to a form of aggression? Or do you take flight and
withdraw in some way? What about the other person? What's their pattern when
they've been hijacked? Knowing about the amygdala hijack and how to assess
someone's pattern, will help you prepare for having a successful conversation.

3.5 Knowing your triggers

As we just discussed, our fight or flight response is designed to protect us from

danger. And if we're being robbed or in a car accident, this response could literally
save your life. The problem is that our amygdala goes off when we're not in real
danger. This happened to Scott. A pretty tame staff meeting had his heart racing
like he was facing a saber-tooth tiger. This is because Scott was triggered.
Triggers are the non-life-threatening situations that set off your fight or flight
response. There's a dial on this, too. You might have a reaction that builds slowly
or floods you quickly. There're four important things I want you to know about
triggers. First, it will serve you well to know what triggers you. Knowing your
triggers will allow you to navigate any kind of difficult situation more successfully.

Take a moment to think over the past year, both professionally and
personally. Identify the situations that triggered you. Scott has three major triggers,
when he feels demeaned. When he thinks someone is picking on or bullying
others. And when he feels trapped like on an air plane. Second, have a plan for
managing your triggers. As we know, the fight or flight response is completely
outside of our control. That's why you want to have two to three key things you can
do to calm yourself down. For example, you might want to focus on your breathing
for a few minutes.

For me, it helps to grab a piece of paper and jot things down like "you just
got triggered breathe girl, you're actually safe". I can do this in a meeting and folks
think I'm taking notes. I also have a photo of my daughter on my phone and looking
at her helps too. Take a moment to jot down the actions you can take when you
feel yourself getting triggered. Third, triggers are actually the land mines of our old
wounds. Let me explain this a little more. Recent research in the fields of
biology and psychology have shed light on this process.

Our bodies are continually scanning for danger and the first thing it uses is past
experiences that were harmful. When something is similar to a threatening
situation in your past, the alarm bells fire off. Literally saying, danger, danger, this
was bad before, so watch out. Interestingly, it doesn't have to have been a physical
threat. It can also be emotional. Researchers now know that our need for survival
includes three emotional areas that are core aspects of our identity. These are, am
I competent, am I a good person, and am I worthy of love? Well, it's just the human
experience that sometime in your past these aspects were threatened in some
way. For example I once had a client who'd become triggered if anyone questioned
her integrity.

This dated back to a painful experience in college and I worked with another client
who would get triggered if he felt that he was being left out of the loop. Both of
those have to do with competency and feeling like your a good person. Triggers
are our bodies' way of protecting itself. The problem is that it's not very nuanced. If
your boss has mannerisms that are similar to the kid who bullied you as a child,
you could be triggered by your boss. If you don't know it's a trigger, you could
literally feel that your boss is a jerk because he seems threatening to you. And this
is what is happening to Scott.

Joe's demeaning behavior hits one of Scott's triggers. Scott's older brother was
exceptionally cruel to Scott when they were growing up and he tormented him on a
regular basis. When we're triggered, the feelings seem like they're caused by the
person standing in front of us. But you don't want to let someone take the rap for
someone else's crime. Knowing your triggers will help you know when someone
might be setting them off. In this case, Scott now realizes that he may be over
reading mal-intent into Joe's actions. Think back on your life. What are some things
that happened in your past that could be at the source of your triggers.

Think about family, friends, school and work situations. There's 1 more thing I want
you to know about triggers. Everybody has them. Even if you were raised in the
most functional and wonderful home you still have triggers. The goal is to know
your triggers and manage them. The good news is there's ways to greatly reduce,
or even eliminate, your triggers. I've had great success with this myself, and have
also witnessed it in many of my clients. Use the handout in the exercise files to
reflect more on your triggers, and how you can manage them.

3.6 Judgements and mirrors

Another key part of the reflection phase is our judgements. Judgements are the
same as the conclusions and belief rungs of our ladder. They're the negative
decisions we've made about others. You know you have a judgement when you
feel judgmental. You have a sense of righteousness about something and may feel
that you would certainly handle it better than they do. It is also common to think
that they should or shouldn't do something. Take a moment to make a list of your
judgements. Here's some questions to ask yourself. What do you feel righteous
about? What is something you think they should or should not be doing? For Scott,
he realized that he was judging Joe for disrespecting him, and demeaning the
team. Now here's the difficult part about judgements.

You ready. Our judgements are always a mirror to something we can't see about
ourselves, always. Let me tell you more about mirrors. Mirrors come in two forms,
a regular mirror and a reverse mirror. A regular mirror is when the person is doing
something that you yourself also do. Here is an example from my life. I can be
judgemental about people who are pushy. It drives me crazy when people get
really intense about getting something done. But guess what? I do this too. It's not
easy to admit about myself, but it's true.

I tend to get pushy when I'm really passionate about something or when I've
already invested a lot of time. I just can't let it go all that easily. Now, that's all well
and good, we all have flaws, right? But the problem is that I judge other people for
the same behavior. This might work to my advantage if they don't know me very
well. I could sit on my high horse being very righteous. But if they know me, what
does my judgement do? My righteousness is shot down by the arrow of hypocrisy.
How could someone possibly take my complaint seriously when I clearly do the
same thing? But here's the problem with a regular mirror.

They are often invisible to us. Those around can see them, often quite clearly, but
we can't see our own. I'm sure you can think of quite a few people who can't see
their mirrors. And I hate to tell you this, but it's likely that you can't see some of
yours either. Think about some of your own judgements and take a closer look.
Ask yourself, how is this person a mirror to me? Are they doing something that I
also do, even to a small degree? How would another person view my behavior in
comparison to the behavior of the person that I'm judging? Scott: Well, because
Joe has been disrespectful to me, I've been disrespectful back.

Wow, what am I? I sound like a third grader saying, he started it. Yes, he's a mirror
for me on that. But I don't demean or insult others, I haven't done that to Joe. Oh,
except under my breath, huh. My sarcastic comments have been totally demeaning
to Joe. Female: And then there are reverse mirrors. This is when the other person
does something we would never allow ourselves to do. I worked with one client
who had a big reverse mirror with this co-worker. His co-worker was very
comfortable asserting her views, and asking for what she needed.

He was raised to make due with what you have. Her behavior started to bug him
more and more until he would go nearly crazy at meetings. But here's the deal. His
judgement indicated a reverse mirror. She was willing to do something he would
never allow himself to do which was to ask for what he needed. To discover your
reverse mirrors, ask yourself, "Is this person doing something I would never allow
myself to do?". What is this person doing that bothers me so much? If I were to do
that behavior, what would the consequences be? And where did I learn that?
Reverse mirrors are tricky, because they are often highlighting an area for our own
growth, but this can get quickly lost in the flurry of judgements we have. It's often
easier to make the other person wrong than to look in the mirror and see what we
need to learn about ourselves.

Again, it's not something to feel bad about, but you do want to learn more about
your regular and reverse mirrors. Here's the gift about judgements. If we're willing
to look past them to our mirrors, we have an immense opportunity to grow and
develop in profound ways. Using the handout in the Exercise files, spend some
time exploring your judgements and mirrors. It's another important part of preparing
for your difficult conversation.

3.7 Reframing your adversary

As you can see by now, the reflection phase is very important. Climbing down off
our ladder brings important clarity and insights to the process. One aspect of this
clarity is seeing what you have brought to the interaction. We all have our ladders,
and triggers and mirrors. That's human nature, and there's no one alive who
doesn't have them. Trust me, there's not been a single client I've coached or an
organization I've consulted with that didn't have these elements at play. And that
means that the other member of your difficult situation has ladders, triggers and
mirrors as well. One important part of the reflection phase is to reflect on your
adversary. In doing so, you will hopefully re-frame them to be your partner rather
than your enemy.

To do this effectively, we must approach this with an open mind and heart. This
should be easier now that you have seen all that is going on for you underneath
the interaction. Let's adopt an attitude of curiosity. And see what things look like
from their side. The first step is to find a way to connect with them. Outside of this
difficult situation, what are some of this person's strengths? Think of qualities that
you admire and past actions that you respect. Scott: Joe has a great sense of
humor and he makes the work place fun.
Joe has handled recent budget cuts very well. While other supervisors just made
decisions, Joe got our input about where to cut back. And I know that Joe has a
good heart. He volunteers almost every weekend as a Big Brother, and buys lunch
for the team out of his own pocket. Female: So, now that Scott has seen Joe more
positively, he can move on to the next step, which is to pretend that there's another
reason for the problematic behavior. This is easier now that you've climbed down
the ladder. One way to do this is to look for clues about the other person's triggers,
hijacks and judgements. If you reflect over several interactions, is there a pattern to
when the person engages in the problematic behavior? Scott: I'm realizing that Joe
is most often demeaning when folks are presenting a new idea or suggestion. I
noticed that when I critiqued or confronted Joe about anything in the past, that is
when he gets intense.

It seems that his hijack pattern is to fight because both his demeaning and
argumentative behaviors are forms of aggression. Female: Next, you want to see if
you can find some other possible reasons for their behavior. Think about all of their
good qualities and assume the best about the person. If this is a smart,
professional, and caring person, then what could be some other possible reasons
for their behavior? Scott: Joe could be under a lot of stress. Maybe Joe has
something going on personally. That would certainly explain why some days are
great and others are not.

Or it could be that Joe is threatened by the team's ideas. Or perhaps the budget
cuts are worse than we know and Joe is cutting off good ideas because we can't
afford them. Female: The key here is not to build another story, but to create
enough alternative options that you can truly let go of the ladder once and for all.
You'll know that you're there, because you will feel the shift emotionally. All of a
sudden, they shift from being the bad guy to someone whom you can feel some
compassion for. For me, I often feel this huge relief because I don't have to hold up
my imaginary sword of righteousness and my armor of self-defense.

It's like a deep sigh. This is when you're truly ready to have an effective
conversation. You've moved beyond the need to have a confrontation and are now
willing to work together with this person to move forward in a productive way. This
doesn't mean that you don't still have some feelings, and triggers, and judgments
or that it's all roses and puppies from here-on-out. But the tone and intention have
dramatically changed. And that's going to create an opening for a truly productive
interaction and not just a replay of blaming and judging each other.

3.8 Owning your role

Wow, we've covered a lot in the reflection phase. And now we're on the last step.
In this section, we synthesize everything you've learned so far. Use the handout in
the exercise files to bring all of your new insights to one place. Write down your
goal and your assessment. After completing this process, is there anything you
want to adjust or add? Next, review your ladder. At this point in time, what are your
key takeaways? Summarize the highlights. Here's Scott's.

Scott: I've been focusing only on Joe's negative moments and not balancing them
with the positive. I've been assuming Joe's intent, and also how others are
responding to him. I've also been exaggerating other's views to bolster my own. As
I concluded that Joe was a jerk, I've withdrawn my friendship from him, and treated
him with sarcasm and disrespect. And I've done all this without ever talking to the
guy about what I'm bothered about. Female: Next, consider your hijacks, triggers,
judgments, and mirrors. Summarize how your personal history is shaping the
situation. In Scott's case, he learned the following.

Scott: My experiences with my brother make me sensitive to being bullied. So,

Joe's behavior can trigger me. In particular, I'm set off by comments that I perceive
to be critical or demeaning. My hijack response is to fight or get aggressive. I do
this by challenging people and being sarcastic. I judged Joe for being disrespectful
and demeaning, and that is a regular mirror for me, because I'm doing the same
behavior. Female: You know the adage, it takes two to tango. Well, it also takes
two to create a difficult situation.

If I had said that in the first video, you might have turned off the computer and
thought, no Brit, it's all her fault. But hopefully now, you can see that it's the
intersection of their behavior and your own personal history that's creating the
dynamic. Finally, refocus on what you want. What can you do now to move
towards your goal? How can you partner with the other person to co-create a
solution? Scott: We have a lot of great elements to our work environment.
Something is going on with Joe that has him not being at his best. I want to share
what I've learned about myself so that Joe knows how criticism affects me. And I
certainly want to apologize for my behavior and to treat him more respectfully.

Female: Now that Scott has this awareness, he's much more likely to create an
effective conversation with Joe that leads to the outcome he hopes for. And the
difference in his approach will make it more likely that Joe will participate with Scott
in co-creating the solution. The last question I have for you is this. After going
through the reflection phase, do you still feel like you need to have the
conversation? The reason I ask is because it's quite common that by the end of his
phase, our upset toward the other person has disappeared. This is because we've
seen what is underneath it.

And all of a sudden we realize, they're not really the source of our problems. If so,
that's fine, great even. Don't force a conversation that doesn't need to happen now.
You can take a break and see what unfolds. If the issue starts to build up again,
then you can pick up the process at this stage and move forward. In the meantime,
see if your new insights shift your perceptions and actions, and what effect that has
on the whole dynamic. I've seen lots of difficult situations completely shift, simply
from one person doing the work of the reflection phase. If you're like Scott, you're
still clear that you want to have the conversation. But now, you should be much
more clear about what the issues really are and what you want.

4. Conversation Phase

4.1 Being prepared

All right. Here we are at the conversation phase. There's a couple of things you
need to do to get ready, so don't set up the meeting quite yet. A big part of having
a successful conversation is making sure it's set up to be successful. And this may
seem obvious, but there's a lot of things that can sabotage your plan, so we want
to address them. First, you want to set an objective for the meeting. Ask yourself
what is my intention in talking with this person? What do I hope to achieve? The
key here is to be realistic. You're probably not going to be able to solve all the
problems in one discussion. So think about what needs to happen first.

A good objective might be, I want to genuinely connect with this person, share my
concerns in a way they can hear, and start the dialogue about how we can move
forward. Second, you want to create the right environment to bring out the best in
both you and your partner. This is tending to all the extra verbal aspects of your
communication that could add meaning. Think about the time and place that is
mostly likely to encourage openness in your partner. You want them to feel as
comfortable as possible. For example, if you have power in the relationships such
as being their supervisor, you don't want to have the meeting in your office with you
behind your desk. That could convey that you're trying to remind them of their
lower status also, consider timing.

Take a moment to consider what you know about this person. If they have children
they have to pick up from school, you might not want to schedule the meeting late
in the afternoon. Or if their in-laws are visiting, you might want to wait a week or
two. Third, plan for your triggers and hijacks. This may sound funny, but often
conversations get sabotaged because we don't' plan for our own reaction, and then
we get thrown by it. Take some time to think about your hijack pattern. Do you tend
to fight or take flight? What part of your body does it start in, and where does it go
next? Make a plan for recognizing when it's happening, and calm yourself down.
One of the best tricks is to change your breathing because it can actually settle the
medulla hijack.

You want to breath in for the count of five and then breath out for the count of five.
Do this for two to three minutes try it right now so you can see how effective it is.
What I like about this is that other's won't notice that your doing it. Next, consider
what has or will likely trigger you. Think about the things they might say or do that
would get you going. You can even make a list of words or phrases they might use.
While we can't always stop our triggers, recognizing them can keep them from
blindsiding or overwhelming us. Fourth plan for their triggers and hijacks.
Seriously as the initiator, part of getting ready, is anticipating everything that can
sabotage the conversation, and the other person is part of that. Their yelling will
feel less scary, if you already know that it's likely to happen, and it's just a sign that
they're feeling unsafe, and have been hijacked. Think back over the past
interactions and ask yourself these questions. What is their reaction likely to be?
Do they tend to go to fight or flight? What seems to be their triggers? And what
counter-arguments or accusations are they likely to throw at you? Of course you
can't know for sure, but you can get a pretty good idea. The goal here is to
anticipate the reaction, so that it won't throw you. Ideally, you also want to avoid
the things you do and say that trigger that person.

So that they can be as open as possible to what you have to discuss. In a later
video, I'll cover what to do if the person gets fully triggered during the conversation.
Fifth, organize your talking points. It will really help you if you've prepared your
talking points in advance, instead of making it up in the heat of the moment. Think
about what you want to say and in what order and write it down. And finally
practice and role play. Practicing out loud will increase the chance that your words
will come out the way you intend when your under stress. The more you practice
the smoother and easier it will get.

In addition to practicing by yourself, role play with a friend. Practice different

scenarios, like it going smoothly. Then with some challenges in the middle like the
other person getting a little triggered. And then with it all going crazy, with the worst
possible reaction you can imagine. Facing your fears, and practice will do wonders
for your confidence in the end, because you'll know that you can truly face
anything, and be okay.

4.2 Opening the conversation

Now, we're going to focus on organizing your talking points. When successful
conversations occur, they usually have an order to how things unfold. The focus is
to design an environment that creates openness for both parties, so that authentic
and accurate communication can occur. Before you get into your talking points, I
always recommend reviewing three things. Your overall goal that you set in the
reflection phase, the positive qualities you've identified about the other person. And
the intention you've set for this conversation. This will help you craft your points
from a more open frame of mind.

Remember, this person deserves the opportunity to sort this out with you. So, you
want to come from a place of partnering with them, to find a way forward.
Throughout the rest of this chapter we're going to take a look at the nine
components of a successful conversation. You'll use some of the work you did in
the preparation stage to build these components. The first component is the
invitation. This is where you send the communication to the other person inviting
them to the conversation. The invitation is important because it sets the tone.
If there has already been challenging interactions between you the invitation needs
to clearly demonstrate a new direction. Also, I think it's really important to
remember that most people get a little stressed when being asked to a meeting. It
harkens back to being called to the principal's office in school or being in trouble
with parents. For me, I get a knot in my stomach, even if I know I haven't done
anything wrong. And if you have power in the relationship or if there's some
negative history between you, then it's definitely going to be a bit of a trigger.

So, phrase the invitation in a way that helps the other person to know that your
intention is positive. For example, you could say or email something like I really
value our professional relationship. I have something I'd like to discuss with you
that I think will help us work together more effectively. Or, I've been reflecting a lot
lately on our relationship and I want to genuinely connect with you about what's
been happening. I'd like to set a time where we can hear each other's experiences
and find a way to move forward. Don't those sound a whole lot more positive than I
need to meet with you to discuss an issue that's been bothering me? The invitation
is a very important part of setting up a successful conversation.

Next, we have the opening. This occurs at the beginning of the actual meeting or
conversation. Your opening should continue in the same vein as the invitation,
letting the person know you're coming from a place of openness or co-creation.
The reason is because they're likely to arrive somewhat defensive. So, you got to
counter that from the get go. Another key component of your opening is how you
set up the space. Arrange the seats for open communication. This is usually sitting
near each other, ideally without a table between you. If there is a table, just make
sure that neither of you is seated at the head since that implies power.

Let's watch Scott as he opens his conversation with Joe. As you recall, Scott is
coming to his supervisor Joe. He's concerned about Joe's treatment of the staff.
Over the past few month's Joe's been really critical of the teams ideas sometimes
even demeaning or insulting them. But after completing the reflection phase, Scott
now realizes he's been making assumptions about how the rest of the team feels.
He's also recognized that he has a trigger around this issue and has been treating
Joe disrespectfully instead of discussing the issue openly.

Scott: Joe, thanks for agreeing to meet with me.

Joe: Okay. I don't understand why this couldn't be done during our regular meeting,
but, go ahead.
Scott: I realize you're a very busy man. And I realize your time's very limited. But, I
felt like this was very important. I want you to know that I value our professional
relationship and that, I generally want to know, what exactly been going on.
Joe: Okay, what's up?
Scott: Well, first off I just want to say the I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately.
Female: You'll notice that Scott used some of the language from the invitation. That
emphasizes that he really is committed to that goal, and not going to blindside Joe
now that he's here. Scott also did a great job at not responding to Joe's initial
resistance. He's staying focused on his goal of connecting and being open.
Remember the invitation sets the tone for the rest of the conversation, and the
opening confirms your intent to connect and not confront.

4.3 Taking responsibility

In order to have a successful conversation, you need to create safety for the other
person. I cannot emphasize enough how important this is. Most of us have a
trigger about being asked to a meeting. This means that they're walking in the door
a little hijacked already, so you have to help bring that down. The best way to do
this is to take responsibility for your own role in the conflict thus far. This is the third
component of successful conversations. Taking responsibility right away
accomplishes three very important things. First, it further confirms that you really
are committed to creating an open process with them. You know have
demonstrated three times in a row, with the invitation, opening, and this
component, that you're not approaching this from a shame-and-blame perspective.

This actually goes a long way to establish some trust because your words and
actions are aligned, and trust always create more safety. Second, by owning your
role from the beginning, you change the trajectory away from the confrontation
model. They probably expected you to launch into your list of complaints, so when
you don't, it allows them a little room to lower their defenses. Some people think
that owning any blame in the situation conveys weakness, but the opposite is
actually true. By earning your role, you eliminate some of their counter arguments,
and defensive tactics before they can even use them. It's literally disarming.

Third, by taking responsibility, you role model that it's okay to do so. You
demonstrate you want to create an authentic connection, and that you're willing to
go first. This relates to something neurobiologists have discovered about humans.
We all have something called mirror neurons. Outside of our conscious control we
tend to read and mirror the emotions of others. As a result, our relationships with
others largely reflect how we approach them. They've also learned that humans
are really good at detecting inauthenticity in each other. Parts of our brain are
designed to sort through the 4 levels of communication and thousands of subtle
details to detect when someone's words and actions don't line up.

This is that sixth sense or gut instinct that clues us into things. I'm sure we can all
think of a time when that instinct has helped us know that something was not right.
This is relevant to difficult conversations because it means that we can't get by with
being inauthentic. If we're not owning our part of the problem or trying to deflect it
elsewhere, the other person is likely to feel that something is off. And that's going
to kick off their amygdala. So you truly have to own the things that you think are
yours, and sincerely apologize for them. Any fakery on your part will derail the
whole process. Let's see how Scott did this in his talk with Joe.

Scott: Well, first I just want to say that I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately.
And, I've noticed that some things have been bothering me and causing me to
have a lot of assumptions. And for that, I want to apologize to you. I know that my
frustrations may have come out in a way that seems like I'm copping an attitude.
And I know that in our interactions that I've been challenging you and being
sarcastic and I just wanted you to know that I, I'm sorry for being disrespectful to
you.

Joe: Well, thank you for saying that. I've noticed it too, and wondering what was
going on.

Scott: I mean, honestly, it's just that I've been so focused on that that it's caused
me to lose perspective on the bigger picture.

Joe: Well, we've all done that.

Scott: Well, one of the things I've been reflecting on is, what I want out of a work
environment.

Female: By taking responsibilities, Scott has shifted the dynamic with Joe. Joe is
dialed down his defensiveness and is now actually engaged in the conversation. In
addition, Scott's apology has changed the path, away from a confrontation to true
conversation. Remember, taking responsibility means that you own your role in
creating the difficult situation.

4.4 Sharing your goal

It's not quite time to jump into the heart of the issues yet. The next component of a
successful conversation, is to share your goal. This is the bigger goal you identify
during the reflection phase. In Scott's case, his goal is, I want to work on interesting
projects with a fun and engaging group of people, and contribute to successful
company. By sharing your goal, you accomplish some key things. First, you show
that you have a positive intention that is forward looking, and then you're not just
going to rehash the past. Second, you help the other person see the bigger context
that this conversation is taking place in. When you share your bigger vision, you
convey that you're focusing on moving forward and that you think the other
person's role is important. Third, it invites the other person to share how the goal
relates to their experience.

This is bound to provide some additional information that will add clarity to what's
going on. This will only happen if you actually ask for their perspective, so you
have to build that into your talking point. Let's see what we learn when Scott shares
his goal with Joe. We'll pick up the conversation where they left off.

Scott: Well, one of the things I reflected on is what I want in a work environment.
This is my goal, I want to work on interesting projects with a fun and engaging
group of people. And I also want to contribute to a successful company.
Joe: That sounds great, I think we all want that. It's just hard in these current
circumstances.

Scott: Well, I think we have it for the most part. I mean, we already work on
interesting projects and I think we have a great team. And also I love this company
and truly believe in what it stands for. Do you share some of these same goals?
What are some of the concerns that you have?

Joe: I do share that goal. I just wish we had more time and resources to do a good
job. the budget is bad, and it's only going to get worse. all the teams are competing
for limited resources, and it can get ugly at times.

Scott: I didn't realize it was this bad. And after hearing this, I realize that you do a
lot to protect us.

Joe: You have no idea. I can't tell you how much sleep I've lost over the last two
months. I am very, very stressed.

Female: Scott has gained some valuable information in this exchange. First, he
knows that he and Joe share a goal. This means, that they actually want to achieve
the same thing, so they're not at cross purposes. Second, by inviting Joe's
perspective, Scott has gained some valuable information about what's happening
for Joe. This not only creates a place of compassion and empathy for Scott.

But now, Joe has the experience of being heard. All of these create more trust and
connection. Finally, there's now a bridge to the topic of concern. In this case, Joe
has provided the bridge by sharing that he's stressed. That will make it easier for
Scott to bring up his concern. Let's watch.

Scott: Well that's the part I wanted to chat with you about. It seems like you're
under a lot of pressure. I mean some days it seems like you're relaxed, and other
days it seems like you're really stressed.

Female: Scott picked up on Joe's stress as the way to connect to his concern
about demeaning comments.

He hasn't shared those concerns yet, but he's getting ready to. But if Joe hadn't
provided a bridge, Scott can still make his own. Here's how it might look.

Scott: The reason why I wanted to share my goal, was because I care deeply
about achievement. There's one part of it that I'm worried about, and I wanted to
discuss that with you.

Female: Either way, you want to connect the conversation to your concern.
Remember, sharing your goal not only creates more trust. But it also builds a
bridge for sharing your concern.
4.5 Sharing your experience
Now, we're at the part of the conversation, where you can discuss your concern.
You've laid really good groundwork, and built some trust with your partner.
Hopefully, the interaction has also helped calm your own nerves. But don't be
concerned if you start to feel nervous again. It's common for your heart to pound or
your palms to get a little sweaty. Remember to use the five second breathing
technique to get yourself calm. This is the component where you share your
experience. Find ways to talk about your experience, but don't illicit their
defensiveness. This should be a lot easier now that you've done all the work in the
reflection phase. I discussed several techniques in the video called effective
communication. To recap, some good ones include, use I statements, so that you
can speak from your personal experience.

Avoid over generalizing or exaggerating, and share how their behavior makes you
feel. I would also add the following tips. One, it also helps to balance your concern
with places of connection. If you can authentically highlight some of their good
qualities, do so. It will further show that you've not all sudden moved into blaming
them. And don't follow it with the word but. Use and, it makes a huge difference.
Two, share one to two specific examples of the behavior that concerns you.
Choose ones that are either the most recent, or the most clear examples. But limit
it to one or two.

If you share too many, the may get overwhelmed and that can likely set off their
fight or flight response. Three, authenticity is key. I have found that the easiest
thing to do is to just tell your truth, while making sure you leave room for theirs. If it
feels appropriate, you might even share your triggers, it can sometimes make your
concerns more clear to your partner. Let's watch Scott as he navigates this part of
his talk with Joe.

Scott: Well that's the part I wanted to chat with you about. It seems like your under
allot of pressure. And some days it seems like you're relaxed and other days it
seems like you're really stressed.

Joe: I was hoping it wasn't so noticeable, but I guess it is.

Scott: It is, and it's starting to affect me. And I wanted to share that with you. I'm
hoping that we can work together and come up with some solution that works for
us all.

Joe: Yes, yes.

Scott: I know it's not your intent. In fact, you've done a lot to support my career,
and I thank you for that. But it seems like when you're stressed, you seem more
critical of my ideas. At the point, it feels like you don't value my contributions, and
sometimes I feel demeaned.
Joe: Demeaned, really? That was definitely never my intention.

Scott: I know it's not. And part of that is me. I'm a bit more sensitive to criticism
than other people. Part of that is growing up with a brother, who used to be really
hard on me to the point where it was abusive.

Joe: I'm sorry to hear that. That's not good.

Scott: Let me give you a recent example, just to compare our perceptions.

Joe: Go ahead.

Scott: The other day in the meeting, I had an idea for one of the products and you
interrupted me, and said that you didn't have time to hold my hand. Well, that made
me feel like a child. As if I was being annoying. And by itself, I know this example's
not a big deal. But it's starting to happen more and more. And normally, you're very
supportive. So I knew something was up. And I wanted to come to you instead of
making up assumptions.

Female: Scott has done a great job of sharing his experience. We don't know yet
how Joe's going to respond, but Scott found a way to be honest without blaming
Joe. Think about how you can share your experience in a way that keeps you
connected to the other person.

4.6 Inviting their perceptions

Now that you've shared your experience, it's time to invite their perceptions. You
want to approach your roll by listening in a whole new way. This is the time to
intentionally set aside your need to be heard, or to be right. In fact be willing to be
wrong. Remember you've had the benefit of this course, and doing all the steps of
the reflection phase, but your partner may not know anything about the latter of
inference, their triggers, or their judgments. Now to be clear your not going to focus
on discovering their ladder or asking about their triggers that's all really personal
and would probably make someone uncomfortable.

But you are going to play a vital role in creating an environment where new
information can come to the surface. By actively listening and asking good
questions, you can help the other person share their experience and perspective.
One of my favorite techniques is to ask curiosity questions. Embrace an attitude of
curiosity and be interested in their view. You're not focusing on the topic here, but
what is happening to the other person. I have 3 go-to curiosity questions, tell me
more about, can you say more about, or what else. Let's watch Scott do this.

Joe: Yes, I have been more critical lately. I'm getting a lot of pressure from the top
to bring forth only the most vital ideas. So I'm pushing you guys harder to step up
your game.
Scott: Yeah. Tell me more about the pressure you're feeling from above.

Joe: I'm annoyed. And it's not with you guys. I can't seem to get any clear
parameters on what they want. All the ideas I bring forth get shot down, I think I'm
bringing that frustration to our meetings and I'm taking it out on you. Is anybody
else saying anything?

Scott: Well, I can't speak for everyone, but most of us can tell that you've really
been stressed lately. What else is frustrating you?

Joe: The budget cuts aren't done yet. They're still asking us for more cost savings
in our designs and I just don't know how I'm going to do that. Then you guys come
forward with your ideas, I'm worried that I'm just setting you up for a big
disappointment.

Scott: What else is worrying you.

Joe: That's all (LAUGH). Isn't that enough? Oh and probably the fact that I've been
harsh on my team, I really feel bad about that.

Female: Notice how Scott used the curiosity questions to stay focused on Joe's
experience. He didn't get distracted by Joe's comment about pushing people, even
though he might have had an opinion about it. His sole goal was to help Joe share
his experience.

One note here. If you're not getting anywhere, change to the magic wand
technique we discussed in the reflection phase. You can often get important
information by asking them to envision their ideal situation. Ask something like, If
you could make this situation the way you want it to be, what would it look like?
And follow up with a couple questions, like tell me more, or what else, until they
feel clear. Once the other person indicates that they have shared the important
pieces of their experience, it's time to check your understanding of their comments.
This is the component where you make sure you're on the same page.

To do this, Scott is going to paraphrase what he heard Joe say. This not only
serves to make sure he's clear about it, but it also helps Joe feel heard. Let's see
what that looks like.

Scott: Okay, so I just want to be clear. You're feeling a lot of pressure about
bringing forth viable ideas but the parameters aren't clear and that's very
frustrating. And then also your worried about budget cuts and that you may have
been harsh to the team. Is that about accurate.

Joe: Yes that about sums it up.

Female: They are on the same page, but if they weren't Joe would likely provide
more information.

Then Scott would ask a couple more questions and paraphrase again until they're
both in agreement. Now is a great time for Scott to follow up on any other key
points, especially the ones that relate to his own concern. Again, he wants to invite
Joe's perception in a non-threatening way. The goal here is to find shared
understanding, not make more assumptions. Scott: Joe, you mentioned pushing us
harder, and trying not to disappoint us. Can you say more about those two things?
Joe: My biggest concern is not disappointing you guys. You all have great ideas,
but the reality is that most of them won't even get heard at this time.

Instead of just saying that, I was critical. instead of just, letting you guys know
what, what you needed to do.

Scott: That makes sense, and I definitely don't mind being pushed. In fact, I like
rising to the challenge. Trying to hit a higher target is more motivating than feeling
like I'm failing all the time.

Joe: You're right. I should've been more transparent with the group instead of
showing my stress. I was probably way too harsh on them. I know I was. Sorry
about that.

Scott: I appreciate you saying that. And it helps to know what's going on. And I
think the team would really appreciate knowing too. Joe: You're right. I need to
apologize to the team. Female: Scott did a great job in this section. He kept his
cool and stayed focused on Joe. By helping Joe unpack his experience, the two of
them together now have a more complete picture of the situation and how it's built
up. The key to this stage is balance. You need to get enough new information
without belaboring any points too much. The goal is to get enough of the key
elements of what's happening that you can see some potential ways forward.

This is probably the trickiest stage to learn, so spend some time practicing and
roleplaying with a friend. The more you practice curiosity questions and being open
to your partner's experience, the easier it gets.

4.7 Co-creating a solution

Once you've heard both people's perspectives and you know that you're on the
same page, you can start co-creating your solution. By now you should be feeling
pretty open and calm with each other. So this section's usually a little easier. But
you might have different ways of solving the same problem. Find a way to integrate
your ideas. After all you don't want to lose the progress you've made by arguing
over a silly detail. In fact, you don't even have to get into the details at this point.
These kinds of conversations can be intense, and you might both be feeling
drained. What you need at this stage is a general idea of how you're going to move
forward and some initial next steps. If you have that in place, you can pick up the
rest in follow-up conversations. Here's how Scott and Joe co-created their solution.

Joe: You're right. I probably need to apologize to the team.

Scott: That would help. This is what I know at this point. We have a great team
that's willing to work hard. But then we have some folks from above who are
pushing for some good ideas, but they aren't very clear. And this is putting you in
the middle, causing you to try to make everyone happy. You don't have to put all
this on your shoulders. We could maybe pull together some people to talk about
what information there is, and then take it to the team. I mean, just explaining that
the target is unclear could help us make better choices.

Joe: You're right. We have a great group of people here. I'm sure they can see
things I'm missing, and maybe I can get one of the execs to meet with us too.

Scott: Well, at least we could be facing this challenge as a team. Is there anything I
can do to help move this idea forward?

Joe: Yes. Set up a meeting tomorrow with you, me, and Brooke to chat.

Female: Those general parameters are good enough for now. We'll get into a few
more strategies when we cover the follow-through phase. At this point, it's time to
move into the last component, which is to create a closing for this successful
conversation. While things are certainly moving in the right direction, you want to
be sure that end the conversation with a couple of key items.

First, you want to be sure that you have a plan to specifically address the pattern
you're trying to shift. Scott wants Joe to be less demeaning. While they have a
good solution unfolding, they've not yet grounded that goal in anything. Second,
you want to acknowledge each other and the work you did together in this
conversation. This is very important. If you just fly out of the meeting after co-
creating your solution, you'll miss a vital opportunity to firm up the trust you've just
built. Let's watch as Scott brings his successful conversation to a close.

Scott: Do you need any support from me so we don't fall into this pattern again?

Joe: Just keep being honest with me. I'll sincerely try to change. but if I slip, just
call me on it. thanks for bringing this up. it's tough to hear but I really appreciate
how you handled it. I'll apologize to the team at our next meeting. And hopefully
we'll get back on track.

Scott: I'm sure we will and thanks for listening to my concerns. As I said, getting
sarcastic and not talking it through was the wrong thing to do. And you have my
word that I'll communicate directly and respectfully from now on.

Joe: Thanks. That means a lot to me.

Scott: Alright. Joe: See you tomorrow.

Female: See? That last little bit is really important. You started the conversation
with openness and you want to end it with that too. Otherwise, you walk out with a
to do list and it doesn't honor the amazing work that has just been done. High fives
and hugs are good options too. Now that you've seen how successful conversation
unfolds, I want to encourage you to let go of controlling it. Well, I recommended
this order. The truth is that every conversation is an organic thing, that's created in
the moment by the participants. You want to treat your talking points like possible
options. And the practice that you did was to get you comfortable, but not lock you
down into doing it a certain way.

The most important thing you can and must do, is to be present with your partner.
The conversation lives in the connection you build together, one sentence at a
time. If you hold on too tightly to your plan, you may go too fast or miss key
opportunities to connect to their experience and yours. Just listen to the other
person. There will be natural openings for you to make certain points. Also, this
one conversation is not be-all, end-all kind of thing. Except that, there will be points
you forget to make or ones that you want to comment on later.

That's okay. You'll pick those things up in the follow-through phase. So don't worry
about them now. Just be in the flow of what's happening and you'll be fine.

4.8 If things go offtrack

Sometimes, despite all our preparation, things can go off track during the
conversation. It's not unusual for challenges to arise. Let's look at a few common
issues and some tips for handling them. Number one, the person is clearly not
open to have the conversation. Perhaps, they got some bad news or are not
feeling well. It doesn't really matter. If they're not in good shape, reschedule the
meeting. Seriously, difficult conversations are challenging enough under the best of
circumstances. You certainly don't want to start one, when the other person can't
fully participate.

They may pressure you to continue, but just hold your ground, it's too important.
Number two, when you're taking responsibility, they jump in and start blaming you.
Remember, they have their ladder and triggers and judgments, but they've not yet
had the opportunity to unpack them. So if they're feeling hurt or angry, they may
not be able to resist taking that opening to make you wrong. Don't take the bait.
Just breathe and do your best to listen. They're probably hijacked, and if you can
listen and even validate their feelings, they'll have some space to calm down.

In fact, the best strategy is to start listening and asking them curiosity questions.
Number three, they don't agree with your goal. That's okay, you're entitled to your
goal. You're sharing it to show them how it relates to your concern. You don't have
to have the same goal to have a successful conversation. But see if you can learn
more about their goal, and what matters to them. It'll give you more information that
might be related to the situation. Number four, you get triggered or hijacked. Well
you've already prepared for this, so it's time to enact your plan.

It's very common for this to happen during a difficult conversation, so don't feel
bad. Just focus on calming yourself down. It's also okay to speak to it. You can
even say, wow, I just got a little triggered right now. I need a moment to gather my
thoughts, and then do your breathing. Number five, your partner gets triggered or
hijacked. You'll know this is happening, because they'll start to do their fight or
flight pattern. This means that they no longer feel safe. You may not know what
you said or did to set it off. But the best thing to do now, is to try to fix any
misunderstanding, and restate your intention.

This might include reconnecting to your shared goal, or apologizing for any offense
they've taken. Let's see what this would look like. We're going to pick up in the
middle of Scott and Joe's conversation, but this time things get a little dicey. Scott: I
know this isn't your intent. In fact, I know you do a lot to support my career and I
thank you. But sometimes when you're stressed, it feels like you're more critical of
my ideas and suggestions. I feel like you don't value my contributions, and I feel
demeaned sometimes.

Joe: Demeaned, are you kidding me? After everything I've done for you? The way I
watch out for the group and, and watch out for you? How do you think you got that
last raise? It's not my fault you keep coming up with mediocre ideas. Scott: You're
right, Joe. You have done a lot for me. And I, I probably don't appreciate it like I
should. In fact, I know I don't and I'm sorry. And I probably don't appreciate all the
stuff that you do to defend us.

Tell me more about that. Joe: You have no idea. The new VP wants to tear down
everything we've built and it's a daily battle to get him to see the cost of changing
things mid-stream. And accounting, they have all these regulations now where we
have to defend every penny we spend. Scott: Sounds real intense, what else? Joe:
The suggestions and ideas you guys toss out. It makes my head spin, because I
know the resistance I'm going to get when I try to move them forward. Scott: Wow,
I, I had no idea.

I mean, it makes sense why you've been evaluating our ideas so intensely. No
wonder you're being more critical too. Joe: Yes, you need to step it up. Scott: That
makes sense, and I don't mind being pushed. In fact, I like rising to a challenge. I
mean, we're both working towards the same goal, Joe. We both want to work on
interesting projects with a great group of people. I truly believe that there's a better
way to motivate this team. Joe: Sorry about that.

it sounds like I've been overly harsh. I know I have. It's, it's not my intent. yes, I'm
annoyed, but it's not with you guys. I can't get any definition of the parameters they
want. Know with these various items, they just keep shooting me down every time I
try to move something forward. I take that frustration to the meetings and I aimed it
at you. Female: Scott did a great job through this firestorm. Joe clearly got
triggered and went into fight mode. But Scott stayed calm and didn't take the bait of
Joe's digging comments. In fact, he agreed with some things Joe said and again
took responsibility and apologized.

Often, that will be enough. But Joe was really triggered, so Scott had to do more.
His next strategy was to ask curiosity questions to create a space, where Joe
actually felt heard. This allowed Joe to calm down. Once Joe was calm, Scott
restated his intention as his goal, and then reasserted his concern. You see you
don't have to give up on making your point, but you do have to wait until there in
the space to hear it. If Joe gotten triggered again, Scott would just have to do this
process again, and maybe choosing different words the next time he asserted
himself. At some point, he would have found a way to get his point across without
also triggering Joe.

And you can do the same. Triggers and hijacks may seem scary, but if you focus
on making the other person feel safer, it can actually be a time of great connection.
Just take the time to practice and role play these challenging situations.

4.9 Delivering bad news

Sometimes a difficult conversation is about delivering bad news. It's often difficult,
because we're concerned about their reaction to the news. Our attachment's
usually low, because the outcome is predetermined. As you recall, examples
include ending a romantic relationship, asking a friend to repay a loan, or delivering
a poor performance review. For these types of conversations, there's a different set
of strategies to use. First and foremost, if the conversation has legal implications,
seek the advice of an attorney who knows the laws of your state.

This is definitely true for anything involving employees. There are several
strategies that you've already learned that are useful here. You'll want to prepare
by getting clear about your goal, organizing your talking points, and even practicing
or role playing. And the next some additional strategies as you need for delivering
bad news. We'll discover that most of these are around being clear and strong.
When we care about the other persons reaction, it's human nature to soften the
blow in some way. But unfortunately, many of those ways can actually be
confusing to the other person and set them up for more disappointment.

It can also invite argumentation, which you don't want to do. First, make the
intention of the meeting clear. If it's a serious topic, you don't want to blind sight
them by starting off all warm and laughing about old times. That's not to say, that
you can't be emphathetic, but don't mislead them. Second, phrase the news as a
statement, not a question. Sometimes, we back off being assertive by cloaking the
news as a question. We say things like, can you move out by June 1st, or don't you
agree we'd be better off apart? Questions create openings for them to say no or
argue.
If there's not really a choice, then don't give them a false one. State the news firmly
and clearly. Instead you want to say, you need to move out by June 1st, or I want
to end this relationship. Third, be as accurate and clear as possible. When
delivering bad news, we can have a tendency to either exaggerate the problem or
sugar-coat the answer, both invite argumentation. Be accurate, concise, and clear.
Fourth, don't expect the other person to make you feel better. When we have bad
news to deliver, we often don't want to hurt the other person or be seen as mean.

But they have every right to their feelings and it's not their job to take care of ours.
In fact, it's likely that they may say things that make you feel worse. Seek your
comfort from others who are not in the situation. Fifth, realize that they have their
own journey. I've worked with so many clients over the years, and sometimes
people have to hit rock bottom in order to be motivated to change. This is
especially true around destructive behavior. While you may feel horrible at drawing
down your boundary, it maybe just the thing that needs to happen. Sometimes, we
can enable someone just enough to keep them from getting help. This is true for
organizations too.

I've seen employees suffer trying to save an organization from itself. They work
extra hours and do Herculean efforts to try to keep the train wreck from happening.
But organizations are like people, sometimes the train wreck needs to happen for
people to be ready to change. Finally, if you're worried for your physical or
emotional safety during the meeting, have someone with you. The person doesn't
have to say anything, but you need to protect yourself. When you do meet with the
other person, explain why your witness or guest is there. Also, it's a good idea to
establish some ground rules for the interaction.

Some effective ground rules include listening to each other without interrupting,
using I statements to speak from personal experience, refrain from name calling or
insulting, and that the use of threatening words or gestures will end the meeting.
While delivering bad news can be uncomfortable, it can still be done respectfully.
Even if they don't appreciate it, conduct yourself in a calm manner with empathy in
your heart and you'll walk away feeling good about how you handled it.

5. The Follow-Through Phase

5.1 Developing the action plan

When a plane flies from Los Angeles to Hawaii, it goes off course 90% of the time.
While pilots know where their headed, the wind and other anomalies in the sky
nudge the plane off course every couple of minutes. But the plane arrives safely,
because the pilot keeps an eye on their progress and makes small course
corrections along the way. It's the same with your difficult conversations. You need
to make small course corrections along your way in order to achieve your
outcome. You do this by developing a robust action plan, which is the first step in
the follow through phase. At the end of your successful conversation, you should
have left with some initial action items.

Now, it's time to flush that out with more details. I cannot convey how important it is
to make an action plan. While you may feel really good about having your
successful conversation, don't let that lull you into a false sense of security. Good
action plans have the following key components. First, have a clear destination.
What is it that you're trying to achieve? Articulate as clearly as you can the
outcome or outcomes you want to create. Research on human motivation shows
us that moving toward a goal is far more powerful than moving away from a
problem. So phrase your goals as ideal outcomes.

Second, it should be detailed and specific. Concretely spell out who's doing what
and by when. Both of you should participate in leading or accomplishing certain
tasks. And you may also need to involve others. You want an action plan that
builds step by step over a few months to ensure that you establish new patterns of
behavior with each other. Your difficult situation built up over a period of time, and
it's also going to take time to head to, and arrive at a better place. Third, it should
indicate how progress will be measured. Once you have clear goals, figure
out what observable data you could use as progress.

What kind of measurement is relevant? Perhaps it's about percentage of time that
something is happening. Maybe it's a measure of intensity, like on a thermometer
or a scale. Or it could simply be a yes or no kind of thing. Each situation is unique.
Your task is to find the form of measurement that best addresses your goal. Fourth,
establish follow-up meetings. It's vitally important that your action plan contain
times when you get together to assess how things are going. My personal
recommendation is that you should start with more frequent meetings, so you can
continue the momentum of your successful conversation.

You need to continue to build more trust and open communication. Once that
becomes easier and more comfortable, you can space the meetings out more.
When you meet, you'll be able to tell whether you're on track or not. When you're
off track, do something right away. Fifth, plan for mistakes and setbacks. You got
to your difficult situation by interacting with each other in ways that were not
effective and even harmful. Depending on how long this has been going on, you
may have established well grooved habits that now need to be dismantled while
building new ones.

For example, Joe had gotten into the habit of shutting down his team's ideas when
he felt stressed, and Scott had developed the habit of being sarcastic with Joe.
Both men now need to establish new ways of behaving with each other. It's totally
normal to slip back into old patterns, so expect that to happen. It doesn't mean that
all your good work is undone, but you do want to tend to it right away. Part of your
action plan should include how and when you address those setbacks. Finally,
have patience. Change takes time. Even if you're both committed and working
together, some things just take a while to change. My husband used to work on a
large cruise ship.

He told me that if something happened and the ship needed to turn around,
for example, someone fell overboard, it would take at least an hour for the ship
to come around. And that's with everyone taking immediate action and working
together. So have some patience. Depending on your situation, there may be some
momentum that will affect the pace of your progress. But as long as your making
progress your on the right track. Using the handout in the exercise files, build your
action plan with your partner.

5.2 Acknowledging efforts to change

As you make progress, celebrate your successes. This is a really important part of
the follow-through phase. Humans thrive on a sense of progress. You've probably
seen this in yourself. Finishing a task can feel really good. The same is true for
your partner and the others you work with. When you meet to assess your
progress, celebrate all of your successes, even the small ones. This will do a lot to
improve morale and motivation. It doesn't have to be a big and showy thing. Even
just a few comments or a high five will do. Also, use the power of praise to
acknowledge others efforts to change.

When you've successfully worked through a difficult situation with someone, you
want to build on that momentum. The successful conversation has probably
created more trust and openness in your relationship and now's the time to further
develop those good qualities. Praise is really the art of building others up. You've
probably experienced this. It feels good when someone acknowledges your efforts
or compliments you on a job well done. I know I feel a little boost of pride and
happiness when I receive praise. Praise is defined as using kind words, actions,
facial expressions, or touch, like hugs and high fives, which promote feelings of
self-pride, worth, and accomplishment in others.

There are numerous benefits to using praise. First, praise builds strong
relationships. Think about someone who's praised you. Don't you feel a positive
connection with that person? Praising others strengthens all of your relationships
with colleagues, family, and friends. When a person is appreciated and praised,
they become fiercely loyal, because they know that you care for them and
appreciate them. Second, praise builds trust. When humans feel seen and heard,
we develop trust. This makes sense.

When we feel that another has accurately seen and appreciated us, we feel safer
and, therefore, more open. Funny enough, this actually makes it easier to hear a
critique from that person. This has certainly been true in my life. When I feel that
someone truly gets me and can see my strengths, I'm more willing to listen when
they have some feedback for me. Third, praise allows you to contribute to another's
positive self-worth. Remember when I said that part of our survival is emotional,
and that we look for information about three core identities, our competence, our
goodness, and our worthiness of love? Well, praise directly relates to these. When
we praise people, they get information that confirms they're competent, or good, or
lovable.

People who have positive self worth treat themselves and others with respect and
kindness. They also have more resilience during challenging times, and they tend
to be happier. There are two kinds of praise, praise for doing and praise for being.
You can praise someone for something that they've done, like completing a task or
changing a behavior. You can also praise someone for who they are, like
complimenting one of their qualities or traits. The most important thing about praise
is that it's authentic. You don't want to walk around praising people if you don't
really mean it.

That can actually do damage. But if you honestly see a positive character trait or
action, praise them for it. Finally, you can use praise to help someone change a
behavior. Behavioral psychologists have known that when you want to change a
behavior, positive reinforcement is far more powerful than negative. In fact, the
ideal ratio for praise to critique is five to one. You have to reward the behavior that
you want. So the goal is to notice all the times the person does the behavior you
want and praise them for it. You don't have to do this forever, but certainly while
your establishing new behavior patterns.

Remember, celebrating your successes and acknowledging the efforts of others

will keep you moving forward to achieving your goals.

5.3 What to do if it's not working

In this video, we're going to look at what to do when it's not working. You've had
your successful conversation. You've done your best to implement the action plan.
You've participated for a few weeks, attending the check-in meetings, and sharing
your observations and concerns. But it's still not working. What do you do now?
Well, first, don't despair. This happens sometimes. It doesn't mean that all hope is
lost. It just means that there's more going on here than we initially thought. Second,
revisit the reflection phase. If things have not changed, you're likely back in the
build up phase again and maybe even doing a little case building. So as soon as
you notice that, get yourself into the reflection phase. Do the work and what's been
happening and what you're making it mean. You're going to need to have another
conversation, so want to use the same process to get ready.

Third, have another conversation. This time, you'll focus on discovering why the
process isn't working and how to get you both working together to achieve the
desired outcome. It's very likely that there's more happening for the other person
than they realize. If you can make them feel safe, you may be able to help them
get at other factors or deeper issues that are preventing progress. If they seem
open, ask them to watch this course as well. If they do their own reflection process
on their ladder, triggers, and judgements, you're more likely to get at the heart of
the matter.

Hopefully, you'll leave this conversation with more clarity, a renewed sense of
connection, and a better plan for moving forward. Except that this is going to take
more work and time. You made just need to roll up your sleeves and hunker down
for the long haul. Fourth, bring in additional support. Sometimes things are just
bigger than the two of you can handle. And there's nothing wrong with that. If you
both don't still have a feeling that this is doable or if you're not equally committed to
solving the problem, ask for help. This might be the perfect time to bring in a coach
or mediator or someone in Human Resources. You can either do this together, or
you can seek this additional support for yourself.

Fifth, adjust your expectations. Sometimes we just can't get what we want. You
know, there's even a song about that. For a variety of reasons, the outcome we
desire just isn't going to happen in the way we'd hoped. The most important thing
to do here, is to close the upset gap. The upset gap is the distance between what
we want and what we have. The size of the gap is proportional to the level of upset
we feel. What you don't want to do is leave yourself with a big gap. You've already
attempted to increase what you have, but that's not working.

So your other option is to change what you want or or lower your expectation. This
is a great time to revisit your goals from the reflection phase. Given everything
that's past, do you still have the same goal? And do you still have as much of it as
you did before? Only you'll know how you feel at this point, but it's important to take
an honest look at where things stand now. A note here. There are some special
circumstances that affect how able or willing others can be to change. There's
some factors that literally make others unable to change, such as mental or
physical illnesses.

For example, people who are on the autism spectrum or who have a form of
personality disorder are physically incapable of engaging in many behaviors that
build healthy relationships. It's not their fault. That doesn't mean that their behavior
doesn't still impact you, but it does mean that you won't be able to get what you
want from them. And some people are not willing to change, at least not yet. This is
often the case with people who are struggling with addiction issues. The draw of
the addiction may still be more powerful than the damage it's doing in their lives. In
addition, some people have a lot of psychological wounds that cause them to be
frequently triggered and hijacked.

While there's a lot that can be done to help heal these wounds, the person has to
be willing to seek out help and engage in the healing process. And this brings me
to my last point. Know when to walk away. If you're not able or willing to let go of
what you want, then you may need to walk away from the difficult situation. This
can be actually leaving, like quitting a job or ending a relationship. But it can also
mean establishing boundaries, like how and when you will engage with them. If you
decide that you need to walk away, you can confidently know that you've tried your
best to resolve this difficult situation.

And usually, this process brings great clarity. You've learned a lot about yourself
and others, as well as how to approach a difficult situation in a productive way.
Those are all things to feel proud about. But it's also quite normal to feel sadness
and loss when things don't work out. Make sure you get the support you need to
move through this transition. Ultimately, you can never really control another
person. But you absolutely do have control over how and when you let others
affect you. It might not have worked out the way you wanted, but if you focus on
taking care of yourself, things will be okay in the end.

6. Conclusion

6.1 Receiving a difficult conversation

In this course, we've been focusing on initiating a difficult conversation. But

sometimes you might be on the receiving end. If you're lucky, the initiator will have
taken this course, and they'll be approaching you from a place of openness and
connection. But it's more likely that you'll be on the receiving end of a
confrontation. That's never fun, but with a few simple strategies you can navigate it
successfully. If you know it's coming, take time to prepare yourself. Whether or not
you know the topic, you can still get yourself ready. For example, it's still good to
know what your triggers are, so that you're not thrown by them. You also want to
know what your hijack pattern is and have plans for calming yourself down.

If you do know the topic, you can also organize some talking points. But be careful
here. Sometimes when we think we know the topic, we can start building our case
and along with it our ladder. We arm ourselves with evidence that we're right and
they're wrong. There's a difference between organizing information and building
your defense, or even planning your counter-offense. Remember to question your
assumptions, conclusions, and beliefs. Also, it's vitally important that you still
connect with the other person in your mind by reflecting on their good qualities.

Next, advocate for a good time and place. Hopefully the other person has thought
of this, but if not, suggest a time and location that will be more conducive to a
productive discussion. You may or may not get it, but it never hurts to ask.
However, it's probably more common that you'll get surprised by a confrontation.
And that's okay. Try to stay calm and use these strategies. When the conversation
starts, be an active listener and paraphrase to confirm your understanding. Another
technique, especially if it is a confrontation, is to ask curiosity questions again.

If they're upset and coming at you with a lot of intensity, don't try to stop it. Instead,
shift into listening mode. And focus on truly understanding as clearly and deeply as
you can. Active listening does not mean that you agree with what they say. But if
they feel heard, it will go a long way to bringing down the intensity. Also, don't
assume that you need to respond in the moment. This is especially important, if
you feel triggered or hijacked. You can say something like, I appreciate you sharing
this with me. It's really important to me that I reflect on what you have told me
today. I'd like to take some time to think about it, and then meet again in the next
couple of days.

If they push, you can say, this topic is so important, that I don't want to rush my
response. Before you leave, thank them. Even if it was a messy confrontation,
they've still shown you the respect of bringing the issue to you. As you know, it
takes a lot of courage to finally address something. And despite any accusations or
blaming they may have done, they're attempting to resolve the issue. After the
meeting, use the tools from this course and do the reflection phase. You,
essentially, want to, now, approach this as a difficult conversation.

So you want to revisit all of the steps with the benefit of the information they've
given you. See if you can identify the ladder they've built. What data did they
select? What assumptions and conclusions have they drawn? And how did this
shape their beliefs and actions? And then, still authentically look at your role in this
too. What are the rungs of your ladder? How did you co-create this, however
unintentionally with them? When you do meet again, build it as a successful
conversation with all of the components, including taking responsibility, sharing
your perceptions, and co-creating a solution.

And again, take the lead on creating a safe space for them, noticing their triggers
and hijacks. Finally, when you've made it through this experience and you feel
reconnected, have a separate discussion about how to approach each other
around difficult issues. You'll have already reestablished trust and respect, so it's a
good time to talk about how to handle future difficult conversations. You might
share what you've learned in this course or just make some agreements about the
process you'll both use in the future.

6.2 Facilitating others

At some point in your life, you'll find yourself in the role of facilitating others through
a difficult conversation. You most likely already have. Perhaps you were not in a
formal role of leadership, but if you've ever chatted with a friend or co-worker about
a problem they've been having, then you've been a facilitator. And then, there are
times when you are officially and formally helping others move through some kind
of conflict. This often happens for supervisors who must mediate the inevitable
conflict that arises within groups. It happens in our personal lives too, where one
member of the family is often the peacekeeper among the group. When you find
yourself part of other people's difficult conversations, there are several things you
can do to help the process go more effectively. First and foremost, step out of any
case building either party is doing. To be the most effective, you have to be neutral.
If you know you're not, that's okay. But help them find another facilitator who can
be neutral. Second, establish some ground rules for your role and theirs. This will
help you all be clear about who's doing what and when. Some questions to ask
include, do they want you to be part of the actual conversation? Do they want you
to facilitate their preparation phases? And what role, if any, do you play in the
follow through phase? You'll also want to discuss the importance of honesty
because you can't truly help if either is withholding key information.

And determine what level of confidentiality you can provide. Third, encourage both
parties to follow the four phases of successful conversations. You can even
encourage them to watch this course, and then support them as they do the work
in the reflection phase. Fourth, during the reflection phase, help each party
complete all of the necessary work. Your probably be working with them separately
at this point. Make sure you don't bring them together until your confident that
they've sufficiently explored the issue, including their role in it.

Interestingly, you don't have to have them complete the entire reflection phase first.
You could have them do each step separately, and then come together to share
that specific learning. This is especially effective if the group has high trust and are
eager to resolve the issue. Then, it can actually be fun to learn together how
meaning was made and ladders were built. However, if there are bad feelings and
low trust, keep their individual reflection phases separate until they're fully
completed. They'll be much more likely to engage with each other in a respectful
way, once they seen how they've contributed to the situation.

Fifth, during the actual conversation, establish a clear process. Your role here is to
help guide and control the conversation, so that it's fair. Have a way of making sure
each person gets to express themselves and that the other person has clearly
heard and understood. You may also be the one who asks curiosity questions to
enhance clarity. You may even establish a time frame for the conversation that
you'll monitor. Sixth, recap and summarize frequently. You should be taking notes
throughout the conversation to capture the points of agreement.

As you go, confirm that all three of you are on the same page. Seventh, help the
parties manage their triggers and hijacks. Notice when someone's exhibiting their
fight or flight pattern, and help them disengage from the content to focus on
calming down. Eighth, when appropriate, bring closure to the meeting by
summarizing the key agreements and next steps. Following the meeting, share
your notes and confirm the next meeting time. You may also need to meet with
each person to help them process how the conversation went. Anything that feels
unfinished needs to be brought back to the next meeting to be resolved.

Finally, be yourself. They chose you because you probably already have a talent
for maintaining your calm in the midst of conflict. If you're willing to model
openness, trust, and compassion, you'll be able to help them develop those traits
as well.
6.3 Giving performance feedback

Whenever I talk about having difficult conversations, people say, oh, I need that
course. I have to give feedback to an employee. So let's talk about that. Giving
performance feedback can be an entire course on its own. It's tied to policies and
procedures from Human Resources, as well as state and federal laws. Ideally, your
organization has performance review process in place that's clearly understood by
managers and employees. There are legal implications for performance
discussion, so I strongly encourage you to consult with your HR and legal
professionals.

I'm going to focus on how to communicate performance information clearly and

effectively. First, start off with clarity. At the moment someone becomes your direct
report, you should have a discussion about these key items. One, the main
elements of their performance, this would be an overview of their job duties. Two,
how you'll measure that performance. Talk about what data or markers you'll use to
measure their success and at what intervals. Three, how and when you'll
communicate both praise and problems.

This might include formal reviews and informal meetings. And four, the
performance improvement process. Discuss how and when an employee will learn
that they need to improve and how long they'll have to do so. If employees are at
will, talk about what that means too. Honestly, if every supervisor had this
conversation with their employees, it would go a long way to solving things. The
worst thing that can happen is that employees are surprised during their annual
review or worse when they let go. By the way, it's never too late to have these
conversations. Clarity can only benefit performance and improve your relationship.
Second, honor the plan.

You have to meet the standard you created. As the supervisor it's your
responsibility to drive the process for performance feedback and reviews. Third,
address things early. If you're even wondering a little, about an employee's
performance, it's time to speak up. It's far better to address things early, because
that's when you have the greatest chance to make things change. Since you're
addressing things early, you'll use language like, Lately, I've noticed that... Or, I'm
wondering if we've had a miscommunication because... You don't want to make
assumptions about your employees behavior, but you do want to bring up your
questions and concerns.

Ask them for their perspective too. You may discover something important, like, the
need for some training or even a lack of clarity on your part. Your goal here is to
help them improve. They may need some coaching or more direct guidance from
you to get going in the right direction. Be sure you wrap up with a clear
understanding of what needs to change and by when. It's always a good idea to
keep a file with your notes. Fourth, stay on top of the issues until they're resolved.
The employee either will, or won't respond to your feedback. The vast majority will
get things back on track.

If they course-correct quickly, be sure you acknowledge their efforts. But for a
handful, they'll still be going astray. At this point, have another meeting to discuss
your new observations and your concern that they did not make the agreed upon
changes. The tone of this meeting should be more serious. Arrive at a new
agreement with clear goals and timelines. If they shift, praise their efforts.
Sometimes issues continue to arise. When that happens, clearly mark that they're
moving into problem territory.

The biggest mistake that supervisors make is assuming that the employee knows
when they're in trouble. It doesn't matter how many times you've talked with them.
They won't know until you say the words. Something like this is becoming a
problem. You need to address this or you'll experience the following
consequences. And then, spell those out. Tell them if it's going to effect their
performance review, raise, or ability to stay with the company. It's better to shock
them into action with firmness, then to wait too long when they can't recover. If your
clear and strong, you'll know for sure you gave them every opportunity to fix it.

In the case that they don't, you'll be more at peace if you have to let them go. Also,
when things move into problem territory, get support. Work with someone in human
resources to ensure that you're taking all of the appropriate actions. There are
often very specific stipulations you need to meet in terms of communication.
Ultimately, the goal of giving performance feedback is to help people be their best.
It's part of maximizing their potential and guiding their professional development.
Your job is to give them clear information and the opportunity to do their best. The
rest is up to them.

6.4 Next steps

Difficult situations don't just pop out of nowhere. They usually build over time, and
often over quite a long time. While you can use this process for handling difficult
conversations, it's even better to prevent them from developing in the first place.
This is true no matter what type of relationship you have. These strategies will work
for employees and supervisors, colleagues, friends, and family. They also work for
clients and customers, shareholders, and board members. Essentially you want to
create better and more frequent opportunities for authentic communication and
feedback. If you have those in place, situations can get handled early in their
development before they become burdened with too much concern or attachment.
First, build frequent opportunities for communication.

Whether this is weekly, monthly, or quarterly, setting a specific time for checking in
is valuable. The frequency should correlate to the importance of your relationship,
or the stakes of your work together. It will prevent things from building up too much.
Second, intentionally seek feedback. Don't just wait for people to bring you
feedback or complaints. Actively seek out their opinions, both good and bad, about
how things are going. Ask questions like, How am I doing? What are some things I
can improve on? Or, if I could change one thing that would make a difference for
you, what would it be and why? This is especially effective if you hold power in the
relationship.

It's often very difficult for those below you in the hierarchy to give feedback. But
when you ask for it, and provide opportunities for it to be given anonymously. You
greatly enhance the chance that you're getting real and accurate information. Third,
reward honesty. One of the problems with feedback, is people are sometimes
punished for telling the truth. This is a dangerous problem. If you make it unsafe to
tell the truth, people will just clam up. The problems won't actually go away, only
your opportunities to hear about them and fix them.

When someone has the courage to tell you challenging news, sincerely thank
them. They've actually shown you a sign of great respect. Fourth, continually
strengthen your relationships. This includes using the power of praise, as well as
making sure you're honoring your agreements. Trust is initially earned, but it also
needs to be maintained. Fifth, feedback includes praise. Tell people when they've
done something right, and you'll get more of that behavior. Sixth, learn how to give
effective feedback.

This is a challenge a lot of people face. They're uncomfortable giving negative

news, so they wait. And then, things build up and get bigger and bigger until they
seem insurmountable. Trust me. Feedback's like holding an alligator. It's much
easier to do when their small. One of my favorite techniques for giving feedback is
to use the C sandwich. You give them a compliment or praise them on something
they do well. You, then, offer the critique, being very honest and clear. And, then,
you close with another compliment. And personally, I like to garnish with another C.

I express confidence in their ability to grow. You want to be able to give feedback
to your peers, your supervisors, and your employees. In other words, in any
direction in the hierarchy. You also want to be timely in your feedback. It's most
effective when you can discuss the issue shortly after it has occurred. That way the
details are fresh and more likely to be accurate. Focus on the solution. Discuss
specifically, what to do differently in the future. That way the person is clear about
how to move forward and provide support. Sometimes people don't how to do
something differently or better. Perhaps what's needed is some training or
coaching.

Look for ways to use these strategies in both your personal and professional life. I
think you'll find that they make a big difference in helping keep small issues from
growing into difficult situations. But if they do, you're now ready to have a
successful conversation. As we know, the world needs people who can address
difficult situations effectively and compassionately. You've already done a lot of
great work by watching this course and using these practices. So keep going.
You're on the right track.
In the exercise files, I share a list of recommendations, so you can further enhance
your learning on this topic. I look forward to seeing you in my next course.